The Surprising Secret Behind Kid’s Resistance and Opposition

Why is it that young children can lock down in protest at the mere suggestion of getting dressed or undressed? Why do school-age kids seem to resist directions and expectations when homework needs to get done? Why do some teens oppose and rail against rules and limits around technology use, driving them to push back at parents? At first glance, these scenarios seem unrelated … except for their capacity to ignite parental frustration and persistence. But they all share similar roots.

Kids come with an instinct to resist and oppose, or do the opposite of what they are told but this isn’t news to parents or teachers. What may be surprising is that resistance can stem from the counterwill instinct that is innate to all humans.

The term ‘counterwill’ was first coined in the German language by Otto Rank, a Viennese psychoanalyst and student of Freud’s. This construct was further developed by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, using the lenses of attachment and development.

Counterwill refers to the instinct to resist, counter, and oppose when feel controlled or coerced. You can feel it arise inside of you when someone tells you want to think, do, or feel.  This isn’t a mistake or a flaw in human nature, and, like all instincts, serves an important function. The challenge for parents is that immaturity makes a child more prone to expressions of resistance.

Counterwill is an innate response designed to protect the self when feeling coerced or when facing separation. Children are designed to be directed by people they are attached to – which makes them prone to resist people who they are not connected to. If a stranger starts to tell a child what to do, they should be resistant to their directions. Not just anyone was meant to ‘boss’ a child around. This is a good thing, and preserves a parent’s natural place in a child’s life as being the one to care for them.

Why do kids resist parents they are attached to, though? The answer is because our ‘have to’s’ have become greater than the child’s ‘want-to’s.’ In other words, their instinct to resist has become greater than their desire to follow – which could be due to the amount of control or coercion they are experiencing, a reflection of the depth of their attachment to a parent, or their level of immaturity. A child’s resistance doesn’t mean we have to abandon our agenda, but it does mean we will need to figure out how to hold on to our relationship while steering through the counterwill impasse.


The counterwill instinct is also important in helping pave the way for separate functioning and becoming a unique self. Part of figuring out who you are involves placing a moratorium on other people’s views, agenda’s, wants, and wishes. When other people’s voices are louder than your own, the counterwill instinct helps to create some space through resistance so that you can develop your own perspective. While it may be problematic for parents to be resisted, it can serve an important developmental role in helping a child develop their own mind.

Counterwill responses in kids are not confined to the home and occur to other adults like teachers. The younger and more immature a child is, the more important a working relationship with their teacher will be in order to learn from them. Attachment is what opens a child’s ears to real and lasting influence – not coercion, bribes, threats, rewards, or punishment.

The more responsible a parent feels to lead a child and to care for them, the more provocative acts of resistance and defiance can seem. It is sometimes challenging for parents not to react out of their own counterwill instinct when their children are locked into resistance.

What is true is that the more you push a child who is resistant, the more they can push back and exhibit greater opposition. This can lead to an escalation of tension and conflict that erodes your relationship – ironically exactly what is required to render resistance less prevalent in the first place. Constant battles can create insecurity and anxiety in kids and can adversely impact their development.

The challenge is not to take resistance personally and even expect it. The challenge is to remain in the caretaker position and lead through the counterwill storm. Some of the strategies below require maturity in the parent and the capacity to see the big picture. It is relationship that opens a child’s heart to being influenced by us and serves to create the ideal conditions for development.

So what are you supposed to do when your young child refuses to get dressed, or when your child refuses to do homework or obey technology rules?

  1. Focus on connection first.
    What makes a child amenable to following a parent is connection. Before we direct them, we need to get into relationship by collecting them – that is, catching their eyes, getting a smile, focusing on what they are attending to – all before proceeding with our requests. If we need to talk about something that isn’t working, like homework time, then it is best to collect them first to make them amenable to influence.

  1. Reduce coercion when directing.
    Sometimes when we make requests of our kids we are talking in a coercive manner to counter their resistance before it begins. Statements like, “You have to …” or “You must …” or “You need to …” all serve to raise the counterwill instinct. Consequences are also commonly used to get a child to comply, with statements such as, “You need to do this, or else,” which only exacerbates a child’s resistance.

  1. Press pause, side-step, and revisit the issue when in better attachment.
    If you are locked into a counterwill battle with a child, then it is often better to take a tactical retreat to prevent wounding to the relationship and to avoid using force to get a child to capitulate to your demands. It is also important to maintain an alpha position in doing so. For example, “I’m going to give you some time to think about this and I will be back to talk,” or “I’ve decided this is not a good time to address this issue.”

  1. Make some room for their own ideas and initiative.
    If a child is old enough to get dressed or organize their homework, then perhaps it is time to put them in charge of these things? If they are eager to have their own mind and exert their own wishes and wants, then carving some spaces and turning over age-appropriate tasks to them may be a helpful strategy. The types of activities that you would not want to turn over to them would include anything to do with their caretaking such as food, or who they spend time with.

  1. Make amends when needed.
    If our reactions to a child’s counterwill have created distance in the relationship, then giving it time and returning to the child to make amends may be necessary. It can be simply done with an apology and an indication that you wish things would have gone better in the discussion.

While our children may claim, “You’re not the boss of me,” we don’t have to take it to heart or react to it. We just need to lead through the counterwill storm, knowing we are their best bet and that they should feel safe and secure in our care. It is okay for our kids to have their own mind, but this doesn’t mean they will always get their own way. One day the child will be the ‘boss’ of him or herself and until our job is done, we need to make some room for them to flex their wings, but not let go of our caretaking responsibilities.

For more information on dealing with counterwill in kids, please see the Making Sense of Counterwill course through the Neufeld Institute, and read Chapter 9 in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one).

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Morning Mayhem: Getting Out the Door with Kids

If there was one common experience in parenting it would be the morning dance of the frazzled parent and the child moving at a snail’s pace. It seems the more urgent a parent is with their request to hurry, the slower a child’s feet and hands are inclined to get dressed, eat, and even walk. Some kids even pull out the full stop and fall down, going ‘boneless.’

One day I looked at my daughter shuffling her feet to the car and I couldn’t help but think that if there was a chocolate waiting in her seat, she would be running at light speed. Even getting her out of the car could elicit the same resistant response. With eyes closed she told me one day, “I can’t get out of my seat, I’m sleeping.”

If there was one thing that makes the morning a mess it would be the resistance of a child and a parent’s fervent persistence to get them to hurry. The nagging, yelling, bribe wielding, consequence driven madness of a parent desperate to get out of the house can leave everyone on the edge. I am sure if cortisol swabs were taken, stress hormones would be significantly higher in everyone, including the pets.

Is there an easier way to surviving the morning routine? The good news is yes, but it won’t be without an adult seizing the lead and figuring out where the impasse comes from and how to steer through it.

Some things to consider …

  1. Parents have agendas and kids often have completely different ones. While a parent needs to get to work or a child to school – that child may not want to go to school. Sometimes they are avoiding getting ready because they are they having a hard time separating from a parent, they might just want to play and not work, or they are fighting with a friend and want to avoid the turmoil altogether. When you can make sense of what is underneath their resistance and help them through it, things may naturally start to go a little smoother in the morning.

  2. Parents can’t lead kids who do not follow them – and not just in the morning. If is generally difficult to get a child to attend to the rules, to do as requested, or to take their cues from adults then the issue may not a ‘morning’ one but a relationship one. A child who is not attached to a parent or has moved into a position of dominance over them (coined as an ‘alpha child,’ by Gordon Neufeld), is often to difficult to lead and mornings can be a struggle. Alpha kids are often bossy, commanding, or can feign helplessness in order to orchestrate their parent’s actions. They are allergic to being told what to do leading to morning battles and the escalation of yelling and threats by their parents. For more information on the alpha problem see Chapter 5 in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers or the Alpha Children Course through the Neufeld Institute. Until the relationship problem has been addressed, a child will not readily follow their adult’s wishes in the morning.

  1. Humans are hardwired with a natural instinct to resist when feeling coerced. The harder someone pushes their agenda on us, the more likely the counterwill instinct will be activated leading to a push back on their agenda. Young children, starting around 2 ½ years, can grow increasingly resistant to being hurried or moved along. The more their ‘own mind’ starts to develop, the more ideas they have about what they would like to do and when. A child’s agenda at this age often conflicts with the wishes of their adults but is indicative that healthy development is underway. The only thing that makes a child want to do as told, follow the rules, or make things work for their parent, is by being actively attached to the adult who is giving them the orders.


Three Strategies to Quell Morning Mayhem

  1. Orient them– Talking to kids the night before and filling them in on what will happen the following day can help ease into the morning routine. Kids typically love to be told “the plan for the day” and it can help orient them as much as draw off their resistance. A child’s reaction to the plan can alert a parent to the parts they find hard or are not in favour of.

  2. Solicit good intentions – When you tell a child the plan for the next day you can follow this up by soliciting their good intentions. This means specifically asking them, “can I count on you get dressed, to come for breakfast, and to do your part to make tomorrow morning work?” If there is resistance to the plan, it will likely appear at this time giving a parent an opportunity to address it. By soliciting a child’s good intentions you are trying to enlist cooperation and to get them onside in making things work, while leaving some room to figure out where there might be challenges to this.  When or if they start to resist the plan the following morning, the parent can remind them of their discussion and their commitment, while also acknowledging that we all have good intentions that are sometimes hard to realize.

  1. Collect and engage the attachment instincts- When a child is attached to a parent it should provoke instincts to follow, obey, want to please, measure up, and take their cues from them. Kids, especially young ones, will struggle to listen to people who have not collected their attachment instincts first. Collecting a child means finding your way to their side, trying to engage their eyes, and feel a sense of warmth or connection between you. After a child has been asleep or playing, their attachment instincts may not be directed at the parent and engaged. If a parent tries to give the child orders, they will be met with resistance because the counterwill instinct will be stronger than their attachment instinct. Collecting a child means warming up the relationship in the morning by reading to them, cuddling, or taking time to chat. One father used to wake up and collect his kids by giving them a math question!

The good news is that when a morning has slid sideways, there is still plenty of opportunity to do it better – tomorrow is indeed a new day. In fact, some off our best parenting moments come from realizing when something isn’t working and needs to change. Sometimes it is us who needs to change and sometimes we need to work on others to change. What is for sure is that if anyone can change the trajectory and tone of a morning – it is the parent. This is not usually done in the heat of the moment but upon reflection in the guilt ridden remainder of the day following the frazzled morning.

 

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Why Kids Resist and What We Can Do About It

If there is one thing you can count on when you are a parent is that your child will be resistant and oppositional at some point. For example, Sam is a ten year old who rolls his eyes when told to lay the table and help with dinner. Meghan is a seven year old who erupts in verbal attack when told to clean up her room. Sara is a four year old who has decided she can dress herself and doesn’t want help as she empties her closet full of clothes. Felix is a three year old who was sent for a hearing test due to a lack of listening but his parents were told he was fine and it was a case of not obeying. The common thread between all of these children is one of resistance and opposition with their parents often infuriated in the wake of it.

Blurred boy holding a piece of paper with the word No in front of her.

What is not well understood is why do kids resist in the first place? It stems from a human instinct called counterwill first coined by a student of Freud’s named Otto Rank. The counterwill instinct is naturally activated when a child feels coerced or controlled by others. It is the reason why they slow down when you tell them to speed up or why they do the opposite of what they are told. The more you tell them not to use potty language – the more they seem to want to use these words.

One might think nature is playing a cruel joke on parents to program them with this instinct but it actually serves an important function. Kids are only supposed to follow and obey the people they are attached to. In other words, they were meant to be ‘bossed around’ only by the people that are responsible for them. This comes in handy when a stranger tries to tell them what to do but the question remains as to why they routinely resist their parents directions?

A young child is usually resistant as a result of not being attached to a parent in the moment when a direction was given. Young children only have the capacity to attend to one thing at a time and if they are focused on something else, their parent has little ability to engage their instincts to follow. In fact, if you ask a young child to do something without engaging their attachment instincts, then expect to be resisted. The only thing that trumps the counterwill instinct is that of the attachment instinct. That is, when a child is connected to a parent, the instinct to follow them is stronger than their instinct to resist. The key to dealing with resistance in a young child is to engage their attachment instincts by collecting them before requests are made. This could be done by coming to the child’s side and focusing on what they are doing for a moment and trying to collect their eyes, a smile, and a nod before proceeding to give orders.

With older children we often forget they still need to be collected routinely before we tell them what to do. The counterwill instinct actually helps grow a separate self that forms one’s own ideas, preferences, wants, wishes, and desires. As my friend said to me once, “when I was three my Mom and I got along, as soon as I got my own mind my Mom and I had troubles.” Kids will have different agendas from their parents and this is to be expected. What is important is how we preserve the child’s dignity as well as ours in the face of disagreement. The more we push, the more they will resist. The more they resist, the more we will want to push. Counterwill in both parent and child can escalate until a big eruption happens or a child just capitulates in order to preserve the relationship with their parent. This will be a sacrifice play on the part of the child and is done to preserve a parent/child relationship but leads to other problems. If counterwill and resistance is chronic and does not ebb and flow, it could be indicative of a more systemic relational issue with a parent such as a dominance problem or peer orientation.

Dealing with Resistance and Opposition

There are a number of strategies that are helpful in dealing with the resistance and opposition in kids of any age. It would be next to impossible to never provoke this instinct in raising a child but the main objective is not to let your relationship suffer in the face of it. Here are a few simple but effective ways parents can steer through these battles as well as side step them, more is discussed on counterwill in Chapter 9 of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts likes one).

1. Don’t parent cold – collect the attachment instincts before directing them – If counterwill is meant to protect against outside influence and direction then parents need to be on the inside of the relationship in order to get a child to acquiesce and to follow directions. Before giving a child instructions, a parent can move into their space and engage with them in a friendly way. When they feel the child is receptive they can convey what they would like them to do. While it may sound simple, collecting a child is a good way to not only build a relationship but preserve it in the face of counterwill. For example, if you want a child to help you clean up toys, collect them before you direct them in order to elicit their agreement without a battle.

2. Expect resistance and make room for it – When counterwill has been provoked, one can simply acknowledge it and proceed forward without increasing coercion. You could acknowledge that no one likes to be bossed around and then reaffirm what needs to happen, for example – “I know you don’t like me telling you to make your bed, it still needs to be made though.” It may also be a good idea to sidestep the battle temporarily without giving up the lead, telling them you will talk to them about later – which could be just a few minutes later with a young child.

The more immature a child is, the more likely they will operate out of the counterwill instinct. From a developmental perspective, expect it to be in full force in both preschooler and teenage years. These periods both involve time to develop as a separate person so the views of others are naturally resisted to make space for the child to have their own.

3. Cultivate routines and structure for the child to attach to – Setting up a daily structure is helpful as a child will feel less coerced and controlled once they attach to the routine. I used to watch my daughter’s preschool teacher get 20 children to clean up their toys by singing them a simple song each day. When you don’t have time to actively collect a child, then put a routine in place to collect their attention and direct them accordingly. Routines are helpful around transition times such as going to school, doing homework, and getting ready for bed.

4. Put them in charge wherever appropriate – Sometimes the best way to avoid battles and court a child’s desire to ‘do it myself’ is to put them in charge of things that are developmentally appropriate. They may want to dress themselves, choose what books they read, or toys they play with as a means of self-expression. It would be important not to put them in charge of decisions about food or anything to do with separation or attachment with you as this relates to caretaking, which is the parent’s role.

5. Repair fallout from counterwill battles – If you have had counterwill battles between you and your child, a simple repair and acknowledgement may be needed. When tempers have cooled, an apology by the parent is helpful in conveying the relationship is intact and you will continue to care for them.

The more a parent takes their job seriously, the more likely they will be upset by signs of resistance and opposition in their child. If you can see their resistance as stemming from the counterwill instinct it may help in not taking things so personal. The instinct to resist and oppose is in all of us and has important work to do in making sure we stay close to those we are attached to. Counterwill also paves the way for a child to grow as a separate person and when they are 20 years old, you will be at last grateful for the fruits that appear from this place.

 

Copyright 2016   Deborah MacNamara, PhD 

Deborah MacNamara, PhD, is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Why Your Teen Reminds You of a Preschooler

Sometimes parents lament to me in a humour filled way, that they see similarities between raising teens and toddler/preschoolers. What is it that makes them feel similar? What do they need from us as we steer them through these developmental periods? There are three key developmental dynamics that are inherent to both tots and teens, despite their differences in maturity levels and performance. The more we can make sense of what drives their behaviour, the more we can help them on their journey towards becoming independent beings.

Happy enthusiastic children1.Separation Alarming Stemming from Increased Independence

Both young children and teenagers can be stirred up and alarmed as a result of their growth towards personhood and increasing separation from caretakers. For the preschooler their declarations of “I do it myself” thrust them towards independence and being able to figure things out for themselves. While this growth is healthy, it serves to create distance or separation from the adults who care for them because they need us less. The antidote to separation alarm in the young child is to foster a deeper relationship with them so they can better hold onto us when apart. The deeper the attachment roots, the farther a young child can stretch towards their potential, losing themselves to play, to their interests, and discovering the world around them (1).

Healthy development in teens can also bring increased separation alarm stemming from their growth towards separate functioning. Teenage years should bring greater self-sufficiency, the need to make decisions about their future, and taking the steering wheel in their own life. A teen once told me, “I don’t want to grow up and be an adult. I feel all this responsibility to make decisions and to get things right. When I look at my parents they don’t seem very happy and all they do is work.” The teen’s reflection on adulthood was imbued with sadness and separation alarm as she moved towards assuming greater accountability for her own life.

2. Resistance, Opposition, and the Counterwill Instinct 

Parents often lament how their young child seems to instantly slow down when they are told to hurry or how they become resistant to parental directions like brushing their teeth, wearing clothes, or fastening their seatbelt in a car. It is as if young children have opposite buttons that become activated at whim, sending their parents into action pressuring them to comply with commands. The instinct to defy parental orders is often the result of having activated the counterwill instinct in young kids – the automatic response to resist coercion and control by others (2). The reason young children are allergic to coercion is that this instinct paves the way for them to develop their own meanings and intentions. The first step in having your own mind and becoming your own person is countering the will of others. Their resistance isn’t personal but often developmental. They won’t ever outgrow this instinct to resist – only the need to operate out it once a solid sense of self is formed. When a young child starts to use “I” language, the counterwill instinct is on it’s way in paving the way for their growth as separate individuals (3).

When it comes to the teenage years there is also a healthy resurgence of resistance and opposition stemming from the counterwill instinct. In ideal development, the instinct to counter another person’s opinions and ideas is meant to pave the way for the teen to claim their own meanings and preferences in the midst of so many people and competing viewpoints. Teens often go through a period where they are allergic to the agendas of others and will fight against them. It is not uncommon for the teen to resist the directions of their adults, in fact, it is often best to try and communicate parental values as much as possible before the age 13 so as to avoid uphill battles afterwards. As Mark Twain once wrote, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” There can be additional reasons why a teen is resistant and full of opposition and not all of them are due to healthy developmental, such as peer orientation where their closest attachments have become their friends. Underlying healthy resistance in both tots and teens can be summed up in Louise Kaplan’s statement, “The toddler must say no in order to find out who she is. The adolescent says no to assert who she is not.”

3. The Need for Play or Creative Solitude

Preschoolers need time to play as it forwards their development as separate individuals by fostering emotional expression, allowing creativity to surface, as well as helping them discover their particular interests. Play should be a space free of consequences that accompany the ‘real world’ so that a child is able to experiment unencumbered by expectations of others. Play is an act of self creation and adults need to foster the freedoms necessary to allow a child to play such as freedom from hunger, screens, peers, too much instruction and structured activities, as well as having to work at getting their attachment needs met. Play for the young child is meant to be an act of self creation.

Teens also need to play but it often takes on a different form due to the difference in maturity level. Ideally, creative solitude starts to appear where a teen is able of fill their time with their own personal endeavours such as music, drawing, running, writing, or some other form of expression and exploration. Creative solitude can look different for every child but the purpose is to help them discover who they are through the process of reflecting inward and outward on the world. I remember watching my 11 year old hold her hands out in the rain after a long dry sunny stretch and tell me, “Mom, I forgot what the rain felt like, it’s so wonderful.” Teens need time and space unencumbered by other people’s expectations and demands.  Teens need the same freedom as young children do in order to foster creative solitude including the freedom from screen time, peers, too much instruction and activities. When a teen’s primary focus is on what other people are doing, there is little space and time left to reflect on who one is in relation to the world – the hallmark of maturity.

What Tots and Teens Need From Their Caretakers

 As adults we can celebrate our child’s evolution as a separate being but for them it will involve some sadness and alarm as their identity shifts towards greater independence and away from the security of good caretaking. There are a number of things we can do to help make this journey better for them.What is true for all children despite differences in age, is that the deeper their relational roots with caring adults, the greater their capacity to grow as socially and emotionally responsible people.

Outdoor portrait of mature mother with her teenage daughter - backlit with sun

  1. Collect their attachment instincts – Both tots and teens still need adult relationships and although this may be expressed differently at each age, the need is still there. Our children need to see there is a desire to be close to them, warmth as we listen and give them our undivided attention, and tangible signs that we are holding onto to them. We need to find our way to their side and continue to cultivate our relationship with them, from shared hobbies to activities like eating dinner or playing together. There is no right way to communicate to a child we care, it is about letting our relationship evolve so that we are still the refuge they seek and are positioned to help them with feelings that arise as a result of healthy growth.
  2. Structure and Routine to Counter Resistance and Opposition – The counterwill instinct to resist and counter directions is strong in both tots and teens as a result of being in the midst of critical periods of identity development. Focusing on more implicit ways to direct them is less likely to provoke strong resistance and opposition, for example, instead of saying – “you need to brush your teeth,” a parent could ask, “what story do you want to read once you are done getting ready for bed?” This naturally implies that teeth brushing is part of the routine. For a teen, the regular structure and routine around homework or chores is often a better strategy than telling them each night to do their work. Structure and routine are more subtle forms of control that can be decided on by parents in advance and are less likely to provoke strong counterwill reactions when they become habits.
  3. Carve out space and time to play – One of the most important roles a parent has is to create a healthy environment for a child to grow in. For parents this means buffering against societal expectations, cultural pressures, and their own child’s desires as they foster time and space for them to play or engage in creative projects. Controlling the amount of screen time a child or teen has, the number of playdates or sleepovers they go on, and ensuring they have time to be bored and to play or engage in creative projects is critical. While we can’t make our kids play, we can try to lead them there by making sure nothing competes with their attention and giving them the materials they are naturally drawn to. Whether it means getting out the lego pieces to help them create their structures, having paper on hand so they can fill it with pictures or stories, or getting them out into nature and away from competing stimulation – we need to lead our children to the places where they can express and reflect on who they are.

What is remarkable about both tots and teens is how they are developmentally being thrust forward to evolve as separate beings. For the toddler a sense of self is just beginning, while for the teen, they should be moving to assume a critical role in their own unfolding as a separate self. Despite the age difference between them, the goals in parenting them are still the same: to support them and be patient with their immaturity, offer warmth, and be generous in our caretaking. While their bodies and psychologies are getting more robust, they still need what they have always needed from us. As I watch my two children move into their teenage years I feel as Jodi Picoult once wrote, “I would have given anything to keep her little. They outgrow us so much faster than we outgrow them.”

 

Copyright 2016 Deborah MacNamara, PhD

Deborah is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Notes

(1)  Gordon Neufeld, Neufeld Intensive I: Making Sense of Kids, course (Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, 2013), http://neufeldinstitute.org/course/neufeld-intensive-i-making-sense-of-kids/.

(2)  E.J. Lieberman, Acts of Will: The Life and Work of Otto Rank (Amherst: University of Massachusetts Press, 1993); E.J. Lieberman, “Rankian will,” American Journal of Psychoanalysis 72 (2012).

(3) D.W. Winnicott and Claire Winnicott, Talking to Parents (Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1993).

Who’s In Charge? Reclaiming the Lead with an Alpha Child

There is a growing problem among children that is not commonly understood despite being insidious and far-reaching. It serves to make parenting and sometimes teaching a challenge, if not a nightmare.  The problem is one of dominance – when the relational dance between an adult and child becomes inverted.(1) The child is attached to the adult but not in the right order or hierarchy.  Instead of seeing their adult as the one to lead them, the child is emotionally and instinctively moved to displace their parent’s alpha role. This is not something the child has learned, rather; it is rooted in human instinct and emotion.

The challenge lies in seeing the alpha problem for what it is – a child driven by instincts to avoid the vulnerability of depending on their closest attachments for care taking.(2) They have taken their attachment needs in their own hands.

Alpha children are often described by their adults as bossy, commanding, demanding, and insatiable. Alpha children see themselves as the ones who should call the shots and tell adults how to take care of them. Children who have risen to the alpha position with adults are consistently full of resistance and opposition for those who try and lead them. They are often very frustrated, lashing out often, and can be filled with anxiety. They steadfastly see themselves as the boss of the house and don’t understand when others try and tell them what to do as if they were in charge. The issue for children in the dominant or alpha position is not one of strength as it is often misperceived; rather, one of desperation. For some reason the child has lost faith in their providers to take care of them so their only instinctive recourse is to do it themselves.

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons why children lose faith in their caretakers. It is easy to appreciate how children whose parents are neglectful or consumed with their own pursuits and addictions can convey the message that children would be better off taking care of themselves.  If these were the only conditions under which we were seeing an increase in Alpha children then the problem would seem clear cut and obvious enough. Dominance issues are also found in loving and caring homes with parents who are dedicated to helping their children grow up to be socially and emotionally responsible individuals.  What is giving rise to the increasing numbers of children in the dominant position and how can we start to make sense out of this?

What is at the Root of Alpha Problems in Children? 

In order to make headway we need to go back to the beginning and ask, what does a child need most in life?  The answer is attachment, the invitation to exist in another’s presence, to be seen and loved for who one is, and to feel a sense of belonging, loyalty, and similarity to those they are connected to.  The critical piece that often gets missed in understanding attachment is that its role is to render a child dependent on those around them. This means being dependent on someone for their care taking and well-being – an incredibly vulnerable position to be in.

As an adult it is easy to lose sight of the vulnerability involved in depending on another but I am reminded of it every time I get into a taxi or an airplane. I find myself questioning whether I can trust this person to safely deliver me to my destination and take good care of me.  It gives a whole new appreciation to the phrase “back seat driver.”

When we are dependent on another we scan and look for signs that our trust and care is well placed. Is there something solid in this person that we can lean against and find fertile ground in? We might think we are conveying this message as parents but the question is whether it is believed by our children? Sometimes children are born too sensitive for this world and see and feel too much, making it hard to have them feel someone is indeed big enough and can take care of them.

There are many other reasons why children seek the dominant position in their relationships with adults including adverse experiences with too much separation-based discipline, egalitarian parenting or when parents struggle to find an alpha stance in the home that is both firm and caring. Sometimes it is a tragic accident or a big loss for the child that turns the tables in the home, where the child becomes unsure whether anyone can truly keep them safe.  There are many reasons why alpha problems appear and it is found in all types of homes regardless of ethnicity, parental education level, socioeconomic status, and approach to parenting.

When a child feels in charge of orchestrating their care taking the biggest mistake we could make is to confuse this display of strength with maturity or independence. It simply is not so, it is an act of desperation and the need to bring this child to rest in the care of others is great. The critical issue is that when children are in the lead they cannot take care of their attachment needs and also attend to the business of growing up – there is a sacrifice play to be had. Attachment trumps maturation any day and the need to survive and take care of oneself rises to the fore at the expense of rest, play, and further growth.

 Restoring the Parenting Lead with An Alpha Child

The good news is there is much that can be done to restore our rightful place with an alpha child. Parenting was never meant to be a nightmare and there is much hope to turn it around when it has become so.  Underneath an alpha child’s dominant behaviour is a hidden desperation to depend on someone who will assume responsibility for them.  The task is to convincingly demonstrate through an adult’s caring dominance that they are their best bet and indeed the answer they seek. The challenge is to regain the lead in the caretaking dance so the child can be freed from their alpha stance.

The challenge lies in seeing the alpha child for what they are – a child driven by instincts to avoid the vulnerability of depending on their closest attachments for care taking. This is not a learned problem but an instinctual and emotional one. Many people confuse their behavior with independence and leadership rather than understanding the desperation that drives it. Alpha children are trying to take care of themselves and feel safe in the world – a task too big for any child to take on.

The behaviour problems that arise are symptomatic of the underlying issue of being moved to take charge. They can’t be told what to do because they are moved to tell others how to take care of them. They resist control because they must be the one to call the shots. They are frustrated because their relational needs aren’t being met, and they often won’t eat from their caretaker’s hands because that would court dependency on them. If we do not see the root of the problems with the alpha child as an attachment one we will attack the symptoms, often exacerbating the alpha complex.

The only lasting solution that can render an alpha child unstuck is to regain the lead in the parent/child relationship. To do so requires a parent to focus on inviting the child to depend upon them and establishing a caring dominance – in spite of the behaviour problems. An alpha child is a stuck child. Everything works in reverse with their closest attachments bearing the brunt of the worst behavior. Natural parenting instincts no longer guide and work with an alpha child; one is usually baffled to make sense.

Six Steps to Inviting an Alpha Child to Depend 

Given the intense resistance and opposition of the alpha child along with frustration and aggression, it is common to hear that the child needs a ‘harder hand’ to teach them a lesson. Alpha problems do not arise from failed lessons but from a lack of reliance on a caretaker. If the response to an alpha child is to exploit their dependency, remove things, punish, lord one’s authority over a child, this will do little to court reliance on a parent. At the same time, you cannot give in to demands or fail to lead through the storms that occur. The place that one must lead an alpha child from is caring dominance – the parent is in charge and the child will not experience their care as adverse and unsafe. It is only through warmth, generosity, and being able to set limits while dealing with upset that will convincingly demonstrate that a parent is their best bet.

  1. Find your alpha stance – One of the biggest strategies for taming an alpha child is to lead from one’s own alpha stance. You need to convey to the child at every turn that you can take care of them. Finding the place inside of you that wants to take care of them, sees yourself as being strong enough, and able to take care of them is a must. You may not always feel this way but putting your best foot forward in this respect is critical. If a child with an alpha complex sees they baffle and defy their caretakers, the trust in their care will not be gained. While there will be times a child gets very frustrated because you won’t give in to their demands, the feeling of being too much or overwhelming for their caretakers will only reinforce their alpha stance.

2. Invite dependence – To invite dependence the parent must make it safe to be depended upon. Adversarial relating only exacerbates a child’s alpha stance. When parental authority is used to control the child by taking things away or denying agreed upon privileges in order to gain compliance, this will do little to build trust. Time outs and other forms of separation based discipline can convey to the child the relationship is conditional and based on good behavior only. A parent must steer through stormy behavior by not using their power in an adverse way or in coercing compliance. A parent must lead through the storm and convey they can handle the child and will find a way through. In the middle of conflict, sidestepping the battle and talking about the child’s feelings and behavior after the fact can go a long way to preserving both the dignity of the child and the parent.

3. Take the lead in activities – An effective strategy with an alpha child is to find windows of opportunity where the child must depend on their adult for care. Leaving the house and taking the child on an outing can achieve this. Many alpha children refuse to go out of the house largely due to the request coming from their adult (putting them in charge) and because their house is also their safe kingdom. Despite their protests, getting them out and leading them to a new place can dislodge their alpha stance temporarily. Activities outside of the house can buy the parent a window of opportunity to get into the lead and demonstrate to the child they can be trusted to take care of them. It is also a great time to capitalize on a child’s need to depend on you for care when they are sick or in trouble. Jumping into a strong care taking mode and helping them get better or find a way through their problems conveys a sense you can be counted upon.

4.  Meet their needs instead of demands – One of the challenges with an alpha child is they will make many demands of their caretakers. You cannot take care of a child by meeting their demands because they are still in charge of orchestrating their care taking. What is required is to meet their needs instead of their demands. One strategy to achieve this is to actually trump their requests by giving them more than they ask for. For example, if an alpha children demands a parent dress them by putting on their socks and shoes (despite being able to do it themself), instead of meeting their request and complying, you can trump them and make it your idea in the first place. You could tell the child you were just about to do this for them or how much you love getting them dressed and that everyone just needs to feel taken care of sometimes. When the parent trumps the demand and provides for the underlying need (to be cared for), it communicates to the child that the parent understands them, can take care of them, and can be counted upon. While some parents have a hard time moving to trump their demanding child, it is the one of the best ways through with an alpha child. You cannot meet their demands but must meet their needs and lead.

5. Don’t court alpha battles with a child – Things to avoid with an alpha child include negotiating with them as if they were an equal and consulting with them on matters regarding their care. Sometimes parents ask too many questions related to care taking, e.g., are you hungry, tired, feel like going to the park, instead of reading the child’s needs and providing for them. Leading a child means conveying you know what they need and moving to take care of them from this place. Furthermore, conveying one’s fears or that a child hurts you only reinforces their alpha stance as well.

6. Hide your needs – Hiding one’s needs is critical or the child will read the parental fears or concerns and potentially move them to take charge or care of their parent. If a child moves to take care of a parent then communicating to them that this is not necessary and that it is the parent’s job to take care of them will reinforce the caretaker’s position. While life may be difficult and hard for parents, leaning on other adults and shielding a child from one’s adult-size troubles can protect the parent/child relationship from inverting. It can be challenging to hide one’s emotions and reactions in light of a child’s difficult behaviour. It can be helpful to bear in mind that the child is moved to assert dominance and it is nature’s way to preserve the child when they have lost faith in their provider.

It is also important not to give up hope and be consumed with guilt and grief about where things have come to with one’s child. The way through is to live and breathe each step forward with the alpha child as if you were their answer. It may mean that you have to discover the alpha parent in you. It may also mean that you have to lean heavily into your love for the child and form strong intentions to turn things around. It will mean you will need to believe in yourself as the answer to your child and lead them to seeing you as their best bet. It will require searching for answers to making headway inside oneself with insight and understanding guiding you.

If we can see the alpha child for what they are, we can better demonstrate to them we are the answer they seek. When an adult regains the lead through caring dominance, the child will rest in the caretaking offered and be freed of their hunger for connection.

References

  1. Gordon Neufeld, Alpha Children: Reclaiming Our Rightful Place in Their Lives, course (Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, 2013), http://neufeldinstitute.org/course/alpha-children/.
  2. The construct of the ‘Alpha child’ and hierarchical attachment is part of Gordon Neufeld’s unique theoretical work and contribution to developmental and relational science. For more information please go to the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org or see Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate’s book – Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents need to Matter More than Peers.

 

Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara

Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counsellor and educator, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and author of Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She has more than 25 years experience working with children, youth, and adults and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, childcare providers, educators, and mental health professionals. Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information.

“Me-Do” – Fostering the Bias in Children to Become their Own Person

Attachment is the womb of maturation and one of the fruits of a deep and nourishing relationship is the bias created in a child to become their own person. What does this bias look like and how can we support it? If you have ever heard the words ‘me do’ then you have witnessed the simplest example of this energy in a child. When a child’s attachment needs are met their energy shifts towards exploring, being interested and curious, forming their own ideas, and even setting some goals. For a preschooler this may be expressed as “me do”. For my 3 year old it means she has to put on her own seatbelt in the car. For me, her ‘me-do’ means another 5 minutes that I have to account for when trying to get anywhere – but I can’t help but smile watching her wrestle her 5-point harness.

When you see a child with this type of energy you know that someone somewhere in their life is fulfilling their relational needs. The need for connection, warmth, safety, and belonging are intense in young children and achieving this level of attachment fulfilment is quite an accomplishment. Strong relationships serve to root children securely to the ground so they are well anchored as they reach forward. Strong attachment opens up the bias to become their own person and they start to move through their world with their own preferences, meanings, ideas, and initiatives in tow. When a young child tells you they want to ‘do it myself’, they are trying to stretch the boundaries of who they are. The life force to grow into a unique and independent person exists in every one of us but the key to unlocking it lies in these fulfilling relationships.

One of the number one values parents have for their children is independence and responsibility. This is not something we can teach to a child but we can facilitate it in unfolding. The path to ‘me-do’ and independence lies in first meeting their dependency needs. When they can take us for granted they can leap into new surroundings of their own making. They are free to discover new places knowing there is always a home to return to. We all need to feel anchored and relationships are the things that hold us in place. If we want our children to spring forth and discover what they really can they can do then we do not have to push but rather provide for their needs. When they are full of everything we have to offer they will look at us with much defiance and dignity and say, ‘no – I do it myself’.  We need not take offence but rather see it as the fruit of our care taking.

The goal of parenting is to help our children become separate viable human beings. While the “me do’s” of today may seem small and insignificant, they are the building blocks for adolescence and adulthood tomorrow. In adolescence they will use this ‘me do’ bias to cross the bridge from childhood to adulthood. They will fill the void that emerges at this time, along with the diminishing attachments to parents, with the ‘me do’ energy of the preschooler. When you watch a young adult full of this energy it is absolutely delightful and one can’t help but wonder about the parents that stand behind this success. These are parents that met their child’s attachment needs for all of those years and gave them the room to become their own persons. Celebrate and make room for the “me-do’s” in your child today for they are the promises of ‘me’ tomorrow.

 

Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.