Ten Things Not To Do When a Child is Frustrated or Having a Tantrum
Every child seems to have their own signature move when it comes to lashing out in frustration including screaming, kicking, yelling, throwing, stomping, name calling, to self attack. Knowing how to lead a child through their emotional storms can feel challenging.
Frustration is an emotion that is hard wired into the brain at birth. It is the emotion that fuels us to change what doesn’t work and sometimes, we will have to be the one that changes too. Frustration is a powerful force that lies dormant, ready to be activated when needed.
The good news is children should naturally develop more self control when frustrated between 5 to 7 years of age (7 to 9 for more sensitive kids), if brain development is unfolding well. They will begin to be able to make choices as to what to do when they are frustrated rather than acting impulsively on their emotions.
Part of the challenge is that untempered frustration can turn to aggression and be harmful to the self or to others. Diligent adults want to teach and show a child the right way to respond but in the process, can make matters worse by doing one of the following ten things. Not only can these increase frustration, they can prevent a child from developing a sense of impulse control around this powerful emotion.
- Don’t increase a child’s frustration by threatening them or using punishment – When kids are frustrated they are emotionally stirred up. The use of consequences, threats, or time-outs adds to their frustration thereby increasingly the likelihood of further eruptions of attacking behaviour. While we can’t let a child simply attack or hurt others, we can convey what isn’t working by simply stating the obvious, e.g., arms are not for hitting, and find a way to allow for eruption without repercussion to others. While we are firm on our limits and restrictions, we need to deescalate the situation rather than increase frustration and aggression.
The problem is some adults believe this type of approach rewards a child or ‘lets them get away with it.’ This view stems from a behavioural approach and ignores the role of emotion in behaviour. Conversely, from a developmental and relational perspective, one of the most important tasks an adult has is to help a child with developing self control and being able to use civilized forms of expression to communicate their feelings. When we increase a child’s frustration we become an adversary and lose our relationship in the process, the very thing that we need to help them become more mature. - Don’t convey you don’t know what to do with the child – When a child is frustrated and an adult tells them, “I don’t know what to do with you,” or “you are too much for me,” it reveals they feel impotent in the face of their child’s big emotions. Not only can it fuel greater frustration, it can also lead to insecurity in the relationship.
- Don’t convey there is a problem with the feeling of frustration – Frustration is a powerful emotion that is meant to fuel change or the process of being transformed by what cannot be changed. For example, a child learns they can handle not getting another cookie, losing a game, to getting a bad mark from their teacher. When we convey to a child that they need to stop feeling frustrated we will thwart their understanding of this emotional reservoir that helps them change things. The problem with frustration is not the ‘feeling itself’ but in not being able to control it and unleashing it on others. Frustration that is channeled in a civilized way, will be the driving force for change when needed. We don’t want out children to stop feeling frustrated – we want them to steer through it in a mature fashion.
- Don’t fail to lead a child through their frustration – While frustration needs to come out, adults still need to be responsible for keeping others safe, including the child. They should consider the environment they are in and whether they need to move a child to a place that is better suited for their emotional upset. We may need to consider whether we need to leave a public place or to hold onto the toys they are throwing at others, while also conveying we will take care of them. Adults need to lead and not ignore a child who is frustrated in the hopes that they will just work it out.
- Don’t use logic to solve a child’s emotional problem – When a child is frustrated they are having a powerful emotional response but this doesn’t stop adults from trying to use ‘logic’ to solve it. We may ask them ‘why are you upset’ or remind them that we have ‘told them 100 times’ as if a rational approach is the answer. We don’t need to talk our children out of their upset; rather, we need to lead them to their sadness and disappointment about the things that cannot change. When we focus on the head and reason, we usually lose their heart in the process, and with this the rest that only their tears can deliver.
- Don’t punish them after the frustration and tantrum – As if frustration wasn’t bad enough, the idea of going back around and punishing a child after a tantrum is part of the behavioural approach as well. There is an underlying belief with this method that punishment is what grows a child up. What kids need after the fact is to understand what they were feeling, why they acted a certain way, that you are there to help them, and to offer direction on what they could do differently. When you have a child’s heart they are inclined to follow your lead. If you lose the lead in the relationship by focusing on punishment, you are rendered an adversary. When punishment aims to control a child’s actions, you end up losing the capacity to influence them doing something different the next time around.
- Don’t identify the child with their attacking behaviour – When a child is lashing out in frustration, adults can be quick to say things like, “good girls don’t hit,” or “why are you so mean?” This type of language is shaming and suggests that there is something inherently wrong with the child. A shift in direction can depersonalize their attack by saying things like, “your legs want to stomp because you are frustrated,” and “you have screams because you are upset.” Not only does it help the child see you as someone who will help them, it also allows them to connect frustration with their bodily reactions. When they are able to connect the dots this way, they will be better able to feel their frustration rising before it moves into action.
- Don’t tell a child to cry or NOT to cry –While tears are usually the best remedy to foul frustration, we cannot force or command a child to cry. While we can convey we understand they are sad about what cannot change, our role is simply to pave the way for disappointment to occur naturally. At the same time, telling a child they should NOT cry only increases their frustration and the chance that it will turn into aggression. The idea that tears are not allowed conveys to a child that vulnerable feelings are not tolerated or supported. This is a dangerous message in the face of frustration, and one that can contribute to aggression problems.
- Don’t tell them about your frustration in order to teach them about their own – The idea that we have to share our frustration with kids in order for them to understand their own misses the mark. When we make them focus on our feelings, their attention is no longer on their own. While we may think our emotions provide a ‘teachable moment’ to a child, it can also serve to confuse and alarm them. The goal is to help support a child understanding their emotions so when we add ours into the mix it can be overwhelming. This isn’t to suggest that we can’t talk about having frustration but the idea that we share our problems with our kids can turn them into our caretakers and reverse our roles.
- Don’t tell a child to ‘cut it out’ or ‘stop being frustrated’ – Perhaps the hardest of all to realize about emotion is that it needs some room for expression. For the toddler it may be the screams, the preschooler the stomps, the kindergarten the words, or for the teen, the eye rolling. We all get frustrated and we all still lash out despite knowing better. The answer is not to cut out your frustration (which is impossible), but to find one’s caring in the face of it. When our caring is bigger than our frustration, the attacking forces are neutralized and we will find a more tempered response. It is the absence of caring that makes frustration more difficult and wounding. Kids under the age of 5 to 7 (7 to 9 years for sensitive kids) can’t experience caring and frustration at the same time so we will need to have to wait for brain development to deliver more impulse control. Until then, it will be our impulse control that helps lead kids through the emotional storms.
While there are many things that do not work and create more problems when our kids are frustrated, there are a number of things that will help. We need to give some space and room for emotional expression and to help them find words to match their internal feelings. While we can’t control an out of control child, we can change the circumstances we are in – such as leave restaurants or the dinner table. Walking a child to their tears is an important part of managing frustration. More information can be found in the article, You can’t always get what you want – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency.
When a child is full of attacking energy, we often lose our intuition as to the frustration that is driving it. With insight and awareness, we can ‘dance’ with our kids when they are frustrated and convey to them that we are there to help with these big feelings too.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.
Five Things You Might Not Know About Human Emotion
Humans are some of the most complex emotional creatures on earth. From our teenagers who roll their eyes in disdain to our toddlers who cry in frustration – raising kids has few emotional dull moments. What are we supposed to do with their emotions? Why are they so emotional in the first place?
Developmental science continues to unearth the pieces of the emotional puzzle, shedding light on why our kids are so emotional and how we are meant to help them. According to leading neuroscientist, V.S. Ramachandran, emotional development in humans is as sophisticated as the development of logical reasoning. There are a number of key principles that are not well understood when it comes to emotion with the top five listed here.
- Emotions and feelings are not the same thing.
We often use the word emotion and feeling interchangeably but they refer to different things. Emotions are the raw impulses, chemical reactions, and action potential that is created when we become activated by something in our environment. The brain has a complex emotional system to deal with arousal which spurs our bodies into action.
Feelings on the other hand are the names and words we give to describe our emotion arousal. A feeling is the subjective appraisal we make for what has happened in our body that has stirred us up. The capacity to name our emotional state and give it a feeling name is something unique to humans and allows us to communicate with others and get our needs met. In short, emotions are the raw underpinnings that stir us up and feelings are how we use language to share this state with others.
- Emotions are part of the unconsciousness.
Freud argued for the existence of an emotional unconscious and saw it as instrumental in influencing human behaviour. He eventually abandoned trying to prove it’s existence given his lack of tools and technology to study the brain. I believe Freud would have devoured the neuroscientific evidence today that highlights how we are not always aware of what emotions have stirred us up.
Humans possess an emotional unconscious that we are not always able to access and for good reason. Emotion has work to do. Emotions are what drive us forward to solve problems and effect change when needed. Awareness is a luxury in an emotional system that was designed to work at getting our needs met. A child who cries is not always aware of what is not working for them. This doesn’t stop their emotional system from creating signs of distress so as to bring caretakers near who can help them. In short, emotions are not problems – they are trying to solve them.
- Emotions are not always expressed in the situations they were created in.
Emotions can come out of our kids in the strangest of places and at the most inopportune times. Emotions can be displaced such as when our kids explode in frustration after school or when they become agitated before bed time. This is not a mistake but part of a sophisticated design to ensure emotions come out when it is safe for them to do so. It is often better for a child’s emotional system to press down on strong emotions at school as it isn’t always wise to express how you feel among peers.
Doorways to emotional expression can happen at any time or place, with big reactions coming out in the face of small upsets. Emotional displacement can be confusing for adults as they are left to piece together why their child has come undone. The emotional system is like a pressure cooker in many ways. When things get pent up too much or when there is an opportunity provided to open up, the lid can come off.
- Emotions need to be expressed.
Emotions are energizing and are meant to fuel us in moving towards getting our needs met. They can be expressed in a number of ways in order to discharge emotional energy. Emotions are expressed when kids play, move, scream, dance, or use their words. While they don’t always have control over how emotions are expressed because of immaturity, kids are moved to ‘get it out.’
Adults seem to hold onto the idea that if they give a child some room to express their emotions then that child might never stop expressing. The idea that expression leads to bigger emotional problems is faulty and fails to understand how emotion seeks expression in the first place. It is by helping a child ‘get it out,’ and dissipating the emotional energy that is trapped inside them, that we help them come to rest again. The biggest problems are not created by expressing emotions but in the absence of this.
- Emotions can go missing.
We seem to operate under the false assumption that we are always capable of feeling our emotions in a vulnerable way. This is not true and unsupported by science. For example, children can get hurt yet appear unaffected. They can lack tears when faced with things that should upset them. Teens (and adults) can lack shame in the face of things they should be embarrassed by. The emotional system can press down on strong emotions when needed, and this is not part of conscious awareness. This is not a sign of a faulty system but one that is working hard to prevent vulnerable feelings from coming to the surface. The brain has its own reasons for numbing out emotions, but over the long term this poses challenges for healthy development. When hearts have become hardened, the goal is to render them soft again.
Carl Jung said that one of the most fascinating things to make sense of was the human psyche. I couldn’t agree with him more. The mysteries of the mind beginning with the complexity of the emotional system are what make humans unique. Emotional immaturity poses some challenges when raising kids as they will likely be stirred up often. Their emotional reactions can stir us up too. The goal in raising kids is not to join them in their emotional immaturity and to bear in mind that growth takes time and patience.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.
7 Picture Books That Can Help Kids Learn About Feelings
Learning ‘feeling’ language to communicate one’s emotions is a critical developmental milestone in the early years. The following picture books are some of my favourites when it comes to helping kids take a step back from their emotional world and learn words they can use to describe it. What I appreciate most about these books is they do not categorize feelings into ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but take a shame free approach to describing their character’s emotions which helps to normalize them. The first steps in emotional development is being able to express your feelings and be able to give names to your emotions – these books help set parents and kids on the right track.
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
by Judith Viorst, illustrated by Ray Cruz Atheneum, 2009
A humorous walk through a bad day with a relatable character named Alexander. Kids and parents will be able to sympathize with his plight and can use it to draw on in real life bad days.
Angry Dragon
by Thierry Robberecht, illustrated by Philippe Goossens Clarion Books, 2004
The frustration in this child is big, so huge in fact that it threatens to swallow his parents. The images are outstanding and help convey the alarm that kids feel when their frustration and attacking energy is present. The answer is tears which eventually come and help to quiet the angry dragon inside the little boy.
The Chocolate-Covered Cookie Tantrum
by Deborah Blumenthal, illustrated by Harvey Stevenson Sandpiper Books, 1999
One of my favourites and something every child and parent can relate to – hearing ‘no’ when you really want a ‘yes’ when asking for a cookie. The story takes you on a journey through a child’s tantrum until the child relinquishes their pursuit of the cookie that will not be. In the end it is the tears that save the day.
Finn Throws a Fit!
by David Elliott, illustrated by Timothy Basil Ering, 2011
I laughed out loud reading this book. Finn doesn’t want peaches for breakfast and proceeds to express foul frustration in response to his parent’s efforts to feed him. Finn takes us through the horror of a tantrum, rich with imagery that conveys the strength of his emotion. In the end it is his tears that help him face his peaches and decide that he really does want them after all.
In My Heart: A Book of Feelings
by Jo Witek, illustrated by Christine Roussey Harry N. Abrams, 2014
The layering of a child’s heart in this book is beautiful and takes us on a journey to the center. This is a well loved book in my house.
Happy
by Mies Van Hout Lemniscaat, 2011
Beautifully illustrated, each page portrays a fish experiencing a particular emotion. From happy to sad, this book can serve as a prompt for discussion on how kid’s may feel on any given day.
My Many Coloured Days
by Dr Suess, illustrated by Steve Johnson & Lou Fancher
The colour of each day conveys different feelings from grey days to yellow ones. Feelings are nuanced with the rich use of images and colour, conveying a range of emotions and a language to go along with it.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Why Tears are the Secret to Fostering Resiliency in Kids
There is much talk of how parents need to avoid overprotecting their kids and allowing them to experience failure as a part of routine life. The idea that adversity teaches resiliency is an important one but only tells part of the story. Why is it that some kids thrive despite the hardship they face while others struggle to survive under the same conditions or better? How do we account for people who face adversity but do not rebound or recover? While hardship is the catalyst for change, it is not the driver of it. Our emotional system is what holds the secrets to human transformation and is where we need to look deeper as we search for answers.
Adversity only teaches when what doesn’t work sinks in. It is our capacity to feel sad in the face of all that cannot change that allows us to become transformed by the experience. It is the acceptance of what is futile that leads us to surrender and changes us in the process. In our quest to cultivate happy, resourceful kids, we cannot eclipse the essential role of sadness and tears in this process.
The Science of Tears
All tears are not created equal. Some are benign like those cried to cut onions. Some have an angry raw edge to them that leave little doubt that someone is full of frustration. Then there are the tears that are soft and sad, where the hurt has happened and the emotional system is pushing towards release and repair. It is these sad tears that make us distinct from other mammal species. It is these tears that hold the secret to adaptation.
For adaptation to occur we need to cease from pursuing things that are futile. For kids there are many futilities in life, from siblings that don’t go away, losing, not being able to turn back time, limits and restrictions, good things coming to an end, and not being able to someone change someone’s mind. When the futility of these pursuits sink in, the brain is rewired accordingly. Neurons that fire together wire together – futility clips the pathways that do not lead to success.
When a child accepts that something is really futile, it can bring feelings of sadness and disappointment or the release of tears. These feelings or tears don’t harm a child but are a sign that healing is underway and are the best indicators of emotional health. It is these children who will be best able to realize their potential as adaptive beings.
Children who cannot experience sadness are often full of aggression and foul frustration. Anxiety and attention problems often occur with stuck tears along with opposition, defiance, and even bullying. It is our tears that make us fully human and humane. Children who lose the capacity to cry tears don’t need lessons but adults who can restore their emotional systems and make them vulnerable again. Failure is only a gift when you have your tears.
What is the role of parents?
The biggest losses in life are matters for the heart and not the head. It is feeling the sadness around what doesn’t work that leads to resiliency, recovery and resourcefulness. The challenge is that these feelings can be overwhelming and children need support if they are going to express them.
In a National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, Michael Resnick and his colleagues found that the single most significant protective factor against emotional distress in a sample of over 90,000 adolescents in the United States was a strong caring relationship with an adult. Resiliency isn’t something we have to teach our children, it is a byproduct of healthy adult relationships. What matters is who a child turns to when upset, who they share their secrets with, and who they shed their tears with.
We need to have our children’s hearts if we are help them to their tears. We need to invite them to express what doesn’t work without trying to fix it. We need to make space for their disappointment instead of problem solving and strategizing solutions. We need to help them name what isn’t working, and to rest from futile pursuits. We need to help them sit in the vulnerability of surrender and communicate that we are confident there is a way through.
Five reasons for why we have a hard time letting our kids cry or feel sad
There are many reasons why tears are unwelcome in children and as a result, can be suppressed or ignored by parents, thwarting their potential as adaptive beings.
- The more a parent believes happiness in a child is a sign that they are parenting well, the less they will be inclined to make room for sadness. The underlying belief that sadness is a problem instead of a normal emotion will serve to inhibit expression.
- Some parents may feel their children’s tears are too distressing or too frustrating to listen too. We all come to parenting with a different relationship to our own tears and children will act as a lightning bolt in revealing where we are at. As parents we need to make room for the emotions our children stir up in us.
- In our quest to raise independent children, there can be a belief that tears are a sign of weakness. Hardiness stems from being able to experience vulnerable emotions and allows a child to bounce back when facing hardship or adversity.
- There was a time when tears in men were a sign of virtue and character but this is no longer the case in most cultures. Notions of masculinity and gender stereotypes have made it less acceptable for boys to show these feelings. As a result, boys are not as likely to experience encouragement nor be invited to express these emotions.
- Sometimes there is an overreliance on logic and positive thinking which can get in the way of promoting sadness and disappointment. In dealing with adversity, problem solving and fixing things becomes the modus operandi instead of making room for all the emotions that go along with the experience too.
Emotions need to be expressed, feelings need names, and kids need people to share their stories with. When we communicate there is something wrong with tears or emotions, we can prevent children from having a relationship with their emotional world.
We need to affirm for our kids that getting hurt is part of life but the answer lies in facing one’s fears, finding one’s tears, and holding onto someone who is holding on to you. We can’t spare our children from all that comes with the world they live in—this is impossible. It is our job to make sure we don’t send them into it empty-handed.
When we help our kids realize that they can survive what doesn’t work, it can open the door to new possibilities that might. Adversity doesn’t teach on its own, it is the emotional transformation that we undergo that does. We need to be the tear collectors our children require.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Why Kids Whine
Research on whining confirms that it really is the most annoying sound to the human ear – more so than the sound of a screeching table saw or a Vuvuzela football/soccer horn resembling the sound of an elephant. (1) You can witness this first hand as you listen to frustrated parents proclaim to their children, “I can’t understand you when you whine,” or “I don’t speak whine.”
There is a purpose to whining and nature was not ill intended. Whining vocalizations are also found in other mammal species and are part of the instinctive and emotional etchings in the emotional system geared towards eliciting attention from others. In other words, if your child’s whining hijacks your attention system and stirs you up then this sounds about right. Whining is meant to get your attention but the question is why and what do our kids need from us?
The Emotional Driver Behind Whining
When a child is whining their emotional system is stirred up with frustration. Frustration is the emotion of change and it usually indicates a child wants something to change or something to stop – ironically, the same as the parent of that whining, frustrated child! Before tackling ‘what to do’ with a child’s whining we will need to make sense of the frustration that drives it.
Why do kids get frustrated? Because they want something we have said no to – like another cookie, staying up past bedtime, or wanting to play when we are busy making dinner. For the older child the whining may be about getting more screen time or to change our mind. A child can be frustrated because they are feeling sick and don’t have words for it or they had a hard day at school and are overwhelmed by it. The point is – there are too many sources of potential frustration to name and we don’t always have words for these experiences or conscious awareness. We don’t always know what our children’s emotional system is experiencing but we are meant to be cued to caring for it when it needs us most of all. What is clear is when our children are stirred up and frustrated, their whining is a call for parental action.
The problem with statements such as, “I don’t speak whine or can’t understand you,” is that it conveys to a child that you don’t know how to help them or you don’t care to unless they behave in a certain way. Frustration is a hard emotion to control at the best of times. It takes sophistication and strong development in the prefrontal areas of the brain, as well as caring feelings to temper one’s reaction in the face of it. Acting in a mature way when we are frustrated is a challenge for anyone – ask any frustrated parent of a whining child. It is natural for kids to struggle with a civilized response but it isn’t a problem when a 7 year old whines but certainly is when a 21 year old still does.
Coming Alongside and Transforming Frustration
There are two possible outcomes to frustration – we change something for a child or we help them accept what they cannot change. This last path often involves tears but if a child cannot feel their sadness about what cannot change then the whining will likely continue along with other frustrated actions. When we respond to a child who is whining, one of the things we want to avoid is adding to their frustration by letting our own frustration take the lead.
Whining is the emotion of frustration and in order to help draw it out, make room for it, get to the bottom of it, release and quell it, we will need to come alongside it. As Gordon Neufeld states, in coming alongside a child we purposively move ourselves into relationship with their emotions and try to put some words to them. The key issue with whining is we want to focus on the frustration and not the behaviour (which we often don’t want to condone), so as to normalize their feelings.
We can come alongside a child’s desire to see things change and help them effect change wherever we can. For example, we might say, “I can see you are tired and hungry, I am going to help you with that.” Sometimes we will need to come alongside the things that won’t change and normalize their feelings of frustration about this, for example, “I know you want to have more screen time and you are frustrated with my ‘no.’ You will have more screen time tomorrow, it is not going to happen right now and it’s okay to be disappointed about this.” When we are clear about what cannot change we invite a child’s emotional system to surrender their frustration to sadness. This typically isn’t a smooth transition by any stretch of the imagination and may take some time. As a child routinely faces things that are futile and realize they can survive all the no’s in their life, whining should abate around these issues.
When a child is up against the things they cannot change, it is only sadness that will release the emotional system from the whirring energy of whining. When tears fall, especially when they are invited by adults and acknowledged by them – the energy in the child will shift and the emotion of frustration is brought to rest. In other words, the transformation of frustration into sadness moves a child to accept what they cannot change and how they become increasingly resilient and resourceful.
It is ironic that in writing this article I experienced two different whining episodes from my own kids. Despite being able to make sense of it through developmental science, I have to confess it still feels like someone is taking a cheese grater to my limbic/emotional system. While knowledge helps buffer my annoyance, it doesn’t quell my stirred up emotional system and that is the whole point. What whining does is it motivates me to get to the bottom of my kid’s frustration and either change what isn’t working for them or help them find their tears about what cannot change. This is not a mistake in human emotional design but is part of the beautiful dance that is meant to tie parent and child together.
Interestingly, as one of my kids started whining, the other one turned to me and pleaded, “Just make her stop will you! That sound, I can’t handle it – she is so annoying!” This leads me to conclude that whining is annoying to everyone except the person doing it. If nature was so intent in ensuring whining grabs our attention, then perhaps we really need to find a way to listen and deal with all that is underneath it.
Reference
(1) Rosemarie Sokol Chang and Nicholas S. Thompson, “Whines, cries, and motherese: Their relative power to distract,” Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology 5 (2011): 131–41.
Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents and professionals based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency
There seems to be a lack of cultural wisdom as to the significance of tears in bringing a child to rest from the things they want but cannot have. While internet searches on tantrums top parenting concerns, the tears that are meant to quell futile pursuits or frustration seem invisible in importance. Yet it is tears that offer relief from the disappointments that are part of life, the upsets that will come, and the hurt that is felt. It is sad tears that signals a child has surrendered to the limits we impose on them such as no more cookies or ice cream, or our inability to fix or find something they want. Life is full of disappointment such as not being first, not winning, not getting what we want, and not being able to hold onto the people you want to stay close to. Tears are the ultimate answer and resolution to the frustration that comes in the face of life’s futilities. As Althea Solter states, “When children cry the hurt has already happened. Crying is not the hurt but the process of being unhurt.”
All tears are not created equal – there is a difference between mad tears and sad ones. It is sad tears that underlie adaptation and resiliency. Sad tears are the ones cried in response to realizing something cannot be changed. It is where frustration melts into surrender, where whining or attacking energy subsides and there is rest from futile pursuits. It is here resiliency is born in realizing you can survive not getting what you want. Mad tears on the other hand, are fuelled by foul frustration and common in young kids with each one having their own signature move(s) including: kicks, hits, screams, pinches, bites, with sensitive ones prone to attacking oneself. When we focus on a child’s attacks we miss the frustration that is driving it, and with that, an opportunity to melt their frustration into tears of sadness.
By the time a child is 4, physical forms of attack may start to be replaced with words instead – a good sign indeed! It means they have developed the capacity to use words to express their emotions instead of physical means. It’s important to remember they won’t have self-control when they are emotionally charged until the ages of 5 to 7 with ideal development – and more like 7 to 9 for more sensitive kids. When a child is full of foul frustration, it is only their sad tears that will bring rest and emotional balance to their system again.
The Science of Tears
William Frey, a well-known researcher who has studied the chemical composition of tears states sad tears are not benign like the ones we cry when cutting onions. Our sad tears are full of toxic proteins that are being shed by the body for the purpose of bringing the emotional system back into balance (1). Ad Vingerhoet’s book, Why Only Humans Weep, pulls together the science of crying and the complex interactions in the body (2). The nervous system is responsible for allowing tears to flow and the experience of rest with special neurotransmitters governing this interaction. When the futility of something registers in the amygdala in the limbic system, it shifts gears in the nervous system and the parasympathetic system is activated. Tears may fall or disappointment and sadness will be experienced. These states are also accompanied by a release of oxytocin, the attachment chemical that dampens the biological stress chemical of cortisol. When children cry and receive comfort from attachment figures, it is their engagement that increases oxytocin levels and decrease stress related ones. Tears are not a problem but a child’s signal to us that they are having one so they get the support they need.
If a child has lost their capacity to express sadness or does not show upset, disappointment, or talk of being lonely or scared, we should be concerned. The expression of tears or sadness is key to taking stock of a child’s vulnerable emotions and whether they experience them. If you don’t feel sad, then caring may also be inhibited too. This isn’t a mistake in the child but a response to an environment that is too wounding, thus emotional defenses have been erected by the brain (4). A child who has stuck tears will be frustrated – a lot – with attacking behaviour often present. In such cases, when an adult focuses on the attacking behaviour with punishment, it will further exacerbate the frustration and attacking emotional energy. What is needed is to come back to the emotion that is driving the attacking behaviour – to the roots of frustration that is fuelling it.
Adults as the Ultimate Comforters
Our role in helping our children’s tears flow is to accept that they need to come out. Our focus on reason and rationale is lost on them, it is about their hurt feelings and disappointments. It is about the generous invitation they need from us to welcome their tears and all that it means for them. While we might not see a broken toy, losing a game, not getting another cookie as a big deal – it is for them – especially the first time around. What they need from us is room for their tears to fall and their disappointment to be felt in a non-shaming or non-punitive environment. They don’t need our discomfort with their upset to stop what must come out of them. They need adults who can hold onto them through the emotional storms so that mad can turn into sad as they accept the limits and restrictions they are up against. It is in how we offer a hug or soft words, a warm presence, an invitation to be close and room to cry, and patience to wait it out. It is in these tears where transformation and adaptation occur – where they realize they can survive what didn’t work, can’t work, won’t work, or shouldn’t work – and that they are okay despite this. It might be cookies and ice cream today but it paves the way for the big disappointments that will come – a poor grade, a job they don’t get, to loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
Young children weren’t meant to take care of their feelings, they are just starting to learn names for them. We need to stop outsourcing our responsibility for a child’s upset onto their shoulders with statements such as, “control your temper,” “calm down,” “why can’t you figure this out,” “I have told you a hundred times,” “stop being like that,” “cut-it-out,” “you need to think more positively,” or the classic line, “why are you crying – I’ll give you something to cry about.” We need to step in to take care of their frustration and tears, they are the clearest signals to us they need help. Helping a child understand what is behind their tears is the goal but they will not lower their emotional defenses for just anyone.
What we do in the face of our children’s tears, both mad and sad ones, will communicate to them what type of caretaker we are and whether we can be trusted to take care of their heart. Can they trust us with their hurt feelings? Can they trust us to guide them through their foul frustration to their tears? If we can’t hold onto them through these storms then they will not hold onto us. We cannot guide a child towards maturity if they don’t follow us.
What I find truly ironic is that when we make room for our children’s tears we will find that it transforms us too. When we have to stretch emotionally to make room for the emotions our children stir up in us, it grows us up. Our love for them can make us more emotionally mature by forcing us to temper our strong reactions. If you have ever had to hold onto your frustration in the face of your child’s, you will know exactly what I mean. My hope would be that when we are faced with our children’s tears we would be close enough to our own so that we would instinctively know what they needed most from us.
(1) Aletha Solter, “Understanding tears and tantrums,” Young Children 47, no. 4 (1992): 64–68.
(2) William H. Frey and Muriel Langseth, Crying: The Mystery of Tears (Minneapolis, MN: Winston Press, 1985).
(3) Ad Vingerhoets, Why Only Humans Weep: Unravelling the Mysteries of Tears (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2013).
(4) Gordon Neufeld, Making Sense of Kids Course, (Vancouver: Neufeld Institute, 2013).
Copyright 2016 Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Deborah is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Hardened or Hardy? Holding Onto Kid’s Hearts
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld states there is a difference between a hardened heart, which does not feel vulnerable emotion, and one that is hardy and feels a lot. (1) Those with hardened hearts seem impervious to pain and suffering, withstand emotional wounding, exhibit invulnerability, and are short on empathy or caring for others. People with hardy hearts feel and express their vulnerable emotions such as sadness, caring, fear, shame, disappointment, or dependence, and continue to thrive despite facing adversity. The absence of vulnerable emotion is not a sign of health but one of human stuckness.
The human being is built to care deeply and an absence of caring is indicative of an emotional problem. Research on empathy in youth by Sara Konrath found a 48% decline today in comparison to 30 years ago, as well as a 30% decline in their capacity to consider other people’s perspectives.(2) There are increasing signs our childrens caring and empathy is going missing, along with their tears. Statements such as – “I don’t care,” or “It doesn’t matter,” or “whatever” pervade youth culture and have become too common. As guardians of our children’s hearts we need to take a step back and ask why? Where are their vulnerable feelings going and how can we keep their hearts soft?
The Neuroscience Behind Soft Hearts
Neuroscience is now paving the way to support what Freud once postulated – the emotional system is capable of defending the human heart from too much distress (3). When the emotional system is overloaded it will spontaneously evoke defenses to numb out, tune out and detach from the things that evoke vulnerable feelings. In other words, whatever we don’t see or feel can’t hurt us. This is not a sign of a brain performing poorly but a strategic move that allows someone to function and survive wounding environments. The problem is it takes all emotional expression with it – including love.
The capacity to feel is what fuels growth and makes us fully human and humane. The problem is that when vulnerable feelings go missing, the resulting behaviour will often lack caring and consideration. A child may seem to lack fear or isn’t moved to caution when they should be. They seem less conscientious, more easily frustrated, distracted and restless. There is usually an absence of tears indicating sadness and a lack of remorse or shame. When the human heart is defended against feelings, we often miss what has gone missing and become preoccupied with uncaring behaviour.
The clearest sign our children are under emotional distress is when their vulnerable feelings are no longer palpable. It means their brain is equipping them to deal with a world that is too wounding or too much for their heart to bear. A child who cries and tells you they are sad, afraid or even worried isn’t in trouble emotionally despite the troubles they face. Their upset is a sign their emotional system is working hard to find an answer to the distress they are under.
It was never our job as parents to calm kids down but to restore emotional balance and to transform their feelings when needed. The kids who lack upset, who appear to be the most ‘calm’ or quiet may actually be the ones who are the most defended against their vulnerable emotions. I don’t long for calm in my children but the emotional storms that are part of life so that I can help their heart understand it can survive distress. Our children will face adversity – they just weren’t meant to face it alone and if there were one secret to keeping their hearts soft it would be this.
How Can We Keep our Children’s Hearts Soft?
While the brain is able to erect emotional defences to preserve the heart, there is a stronger force that can keep it safe. The answer lies in human attachment. It is human relationships that have the power to heal and preserve the heart. The challenge is we cannot take care of a child’s heart if they have not given it to us.
The path to a child’s heart is through extending an invitation for connection that is generous, warm, and unwavering despite conduct and performance. While we may need to be firm on a child’s behaviour, we are soft on the relationship and seek to preserve this most of all. There are many ways to preserve our children’s soft heart but the following five are some of the most effective ways of doing so.
- Shield a Child’s Heart with a Safe Attachment
The world is a wounding place – our children will face rejection, taunting, separation, shame, failure, and places where they are not invited. What they cannot endure is facing these things on their own. Their hearts are too vulnerable when left unattended. Whoever a child gives their heart too has the power to protect them with their own – it is a brilliant design. What matters most is who a child tells their secrets too, who they trust to lead them, and who they seek comfort from. We need to cultivate deep relationships with our children. We need to hold onto our kids all the way into adolescence so their hearts seek home when they are most lost.
- Lead the Child Into Vulnerable Territory
We will lead our children to their emotions when we convey there is value in being vulnerable and reflecting openness to hearing their feelings. If children are mocked or their feelings discounted, it will do little to suggest there is safety for their heart contents. When we reflect on a child’s experiences, we are inviting them to share what weighs them down. For example, when my children talk about kids who are struggling with behaviour I often ask them what they think is going on for that child? They are often astute in saying a child needs attention, is struggling to fit in, or that their parent pressures them to succeed in school. By asking our children to pause and reflect on how emotions and feelings impact behaviour, we convey that there is more than just what meets the eye. We cue them to consider the source of emotional distress and to give words to the vulnerability inherent in being fully human.
- Protect the Child Against Experiences that are Too Much to Bear
Part of preserving emotional well-being is knowing when to protect a child from experiences that are too wounding. This does not mean we shield them from facing upset but recognize that some wounds are too big and are best avoided. In other words, if a child requires emotional defences to live in their world and there is a clear absence of feelings – then we may need to change their world in order to restore emotional functioning.
For example, if a child is attached to friends who are routinely wounding we will need to thwart contact, build strong adult relationships for the child, and court healthier peer relationships. We may try and move the child into hierarchical peer relationships where they are cared for by older kids and become a caretaker figure to younger ones. When their world is too wounding, adults cannot stand idly by but must take an active role in shielding a child’s heart.
- Immunize Them Against Experiences that Cannot be Avoided
When our children have to face things that are adverse such as taking a test they are afraid of, getting a needle, or having to separate to go to another parent’s house, we need to prepare their heart for what will come. In the days ahead of the event we can mention that something will come to pass and as they seem upset we can help draw out their vulnerable feelings. As they face their distress in small bite sized pieces, they will be better able to face the event when it happens. The separation to another’s parent’s house is tempered with tears of upset that have already been shed and acknowledged. Small doses of upset better immunize a child against the big upsets that are ahead.
- Lead them to their Tears and Cultivate Resilience
When our children are up against the things that cannot change and cause distress – a friend that is uncaring, a pet that has died, a bad mark, and a parent that travels or lives in another house – we need to help them find their tears. Feelings of upset or alarm need to be transformed rather than calmed down. Frustration and alarm need to melt into tears of sadness where there is release and rest.
Resilience is cultivated when our children are led to their tears and realize they can survive things not going their way or that hurt them. When we are able to cry with someone and they bear witness to our feelings, there is often healing. This is why we need to lead our children to their tears and not be afraid of the upset that will ensue.
Why are some children far less wounded and hurt than others? Because they have human shields that are cultivated and strengthened by love. When adults become guardians of a child’s heart, the need for emotional defenses is lessened. This is why children need strong caring relationships to tether themselves too as this preserves and protects their soft hearts. While caring deeply about others sets us up to get hurt, it also has the power to save us.
References
- Gordon Neufeld, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids, 2013, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, www.neufeldinstitute.org
- Michael Resnick, Marjorie Ireland, and Iris Borowsky, “Youth violence perpetration: What protects? What predicts? Findings from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health,” Journal of Adolescent Health: Official Publication of the Society for Adolescent Medicine 35 (2004): 424.
- Mark Solms and Oliver Turnbull, The Brain and the Inner World: An Introduction to the Neuroscience of Subjective Experience, New York: Other Press, 2002, p. 104.
Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara
Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counsellor and educator, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and author of Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She has more than 25 years experience working with children, youth, and adults and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, childcare providers, educators, and mental health professionals. Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org.
The Roots of Resilience and Recovery
At the heart of raising resilient children is understanding that our job as parents is not to make everything work for them but to help them with the things that don’t work. We are in a unique position as their caretakers to help them thrive despite facing disappointment and adversity.
Discoveries in neuroscience have shown us that our adaptation is not the result of logic but of emotion. It is about being able to surrender when facing something that doesn’t work, like a job we don’t get, a test we do poorly on or a friend who doesn’t want to play with us. When we are faced with that which is futile, there is nothing left to do but feel tremendous sadness and disappointment. Our limbic system may send signals to the lacrimal glands and the eyes may begin to water. 
There are many types of tears, those of pain, anger, joy, and even those cried to onions. The type of tears we shed are important. The tears shed in surrender to the things we cannot change such as losing or rejection are significantly different. In fact, they serve to cleanse the body of all the big emotions that have been stirred up. When tears of futility are put under the microscope, there are enough toxic proteins in them to kill a small rodent.
The irony is our strength comes from our vulnerability. Not only can we be wounded deeply by others and overall life experiences but it is this capacity to feel that is at the heart of healing. By finding our tears, we can find our way through and can adapt. Resilience comes from knowing you can survive when things don’t go your way.
So how do we help our children find their tears of surrender when they are up against things that will not go their way, for example, getting another cookie? As parents we take up dual roles of agent of futility and angel of comfort, presenting to the child what won’t work or can’t work while also comforting them. The child might ask, “Can I have another cookie?” and if your answer is no then we present them with this futility. The reasons for the lack of a cookie is not necessary as our logical answers only court a child debating with us. For example, if you start a discussion about how “it will spoil your dinner” they will of course reply, “no it won’t” and we end up in a circular conversation aimed at changing our mind. While presenting futility we also offer comfort, “I know you like these cookies, I understand you are upset,” and when they then ask “can I have a cookie then?” we still come back with “no more cookies,” until the tears of acceptance come and they are at rest again.
Parents sometimes tell me that it seems like we are provoking a child. I know that until a child has had their tears about that which they cannot change, i.e. have another cookie, there is no rest from this pursuit. They will go on and on in their pursuit of the cookie, be filled with frustration, even lash out in anger until their limbic system registers the futility and they start to cry tears of surrender about the cookie that will not be.
A parent once said to me, “So you want me to let my 5-year old son lose at chess to help him build resilience?” I replied that I would much rather my child learn they won’t always be first or the smartest from me than to learn this from their peers. We need to make room for their disappointment and collect their tears so they can realize they can survive.
Futilities and adversity exist and abound in our lives. Our strength lies in our vulnerability. To feel deep sadness when facing futility is the essence of adaptation and recovery. When we grieve what will never be it allows us to open the door to what can be. In its wake a sense of resilience forms, these are the gifts of our tears.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.