When Play Ends and Boredom Begins

Understanding boredom in kids is serious business. A mother of a 7-year old boy sat in my office, clearly distressed and said, “I take away my son’s technology and tell him to go play but he has no patience and becomes frustrated which turns into aggression directed at his younger brother.” Nothing seemed to be working to dislodge his lack of enthusiasm and it was starting to take a toll on everyone in the house.

It’s not only parents who are concerned with boredom but researchers as well. Boredom is associated with an increase in rates of depression and anxiety (3), as well as triggering binge-eating leading to obesity (1). It can interfere with learning in the classroom and contributes to school drop-out (2). A survey of US teens revealed that those who reported being bored were 50% more likely than their peers to become involved with illegal drugs, alcohol, and smoking (1,4).

Unfortunately, boredom is prone to being misunderstood and leads to failing solutions such as reducing screen time, altering structured activities and instruction, as well as trying to resolve boredom by letting kids sit in it for a while. When boredom becomes characteristic of a child, we cannot afford to take it at face value. Engagement with the world is one of the best gauges of vitality and overall psychological health. When boredom is reported on a more frequent basis by a child, it can be a sign that development may be getting stuck.

What is boredom?

To answer the question of boredom, we need to first consider what is missing in a child who repeatedly tells us they are bored. A child over the age of three should ideally show signs of wanting to ‘do it myself’ with budding autonomy and independence becoming evident. They should also indicate an interest in learning about new and unknown things.

Kids who are thriving will often be able to shift into play or creative solitude when they are apart from their adults. Signs of vitality include having one’s own ideas, initiative, intentions, and interests. Children should be known for their imagination and curiosity, all of which go missing when a child is characteristically bored.

According to Gordon Neufeld, the problem with kids who are bored is one of emergent energy (5). The bias that drives a child to become their own separate person or independent being is missing or subdued. The word boredom comes from the word ‘to bore,’ indicating an internal void where energy should be coming from. Humans are born with instincts and emotions that should propel them towards seeking and engaging with their environment. Boredom indicates a lack of emergent energy or venturing forth spirit, a necessity if a child is to grow to become independent.

One of the problems with boredom is that when kids experience this void, they start looking for things to fill the internal hole and as a result, we mistakingly believe they need more stimulation. The more stimulation we give a bored child, the more we will miss what is driving their lack of emergent energy in the first place.

What gets missed with boredom is that there is no energy coming from within the child. The bias to become their own person is missing or flat lining. Instead of springing into action there is little energy or signs that they assume responsibility for their decisions or direction for their life. The problem is that the bias to emerge is a fragile energy that thrives only under the right conditions.

How can we help the bored child?

The answer to boredom that has become characteristic of a child is not to tell them to go play or to let them sit in this state, which will only widen and deepen the child’s internal void and lead to further agitation. While it is true that we will all likely experience boredom from time to time, special attention needs to be given to kids who consistently seem to dwell in this place.

The best measure to helping a bored child spring back to life needs to aim at the level of emotions and instincts. We need to get underneath boredom and focus on fueling what propels a child forward in the first place.

The most critical human need that drives seeking and engagement in one’s life is not the provision of food or shelter but of relationship. When a child is vacant and missing it will be their relationship with caring adults that will nourish them back to life. It is releasing them from their preoccupation with relational hunger that will free them from their greatest hunger. These caring adult relationships may need to help a child find the tears they need so that once emptied, they can start the process of feeling full again.

As a child goes missing, it is the adults in their life that will need to keep them moving – from getting them outside, to playing, to reading or doing schoolwork together. Instead of expecting them to figure things out, an adult will need to take the lead and compensate for what is not there until a child is restored to vitality again. It is also important to consider the reasons for the lack of emergent energy in a child – from too much separation in their close relationships, a lack of deep relationships with adults, or wounding from peers that has hardened the emotional system.

While the reasons for a child’s stuckness varies, the pathway to finding a way through does not. It is about filling them up with relationship so that the void inside is filled with us. When we kick start their heart, it will surge back to life and bring with it the spontaneous engagement in life that we long for. When a child has their emergent energy restored, they will venture forth and figure out who they are.

What every bored child needs is an offer to fill them up with an offer they can’t refuse – that of relationship and rest. It seems so simple but is yet so profound, the place that our children spring forth from is the same one where we are firmly planted.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Center. For more information www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

References

Maggie Koerth-Baker, January 12, 2016, Why boredom is anything but boring, Nature.com, http://www.nature.com/news/why-boredom-is-anything-but-boring-1.19140
Ulrike E. Nett, Elena C. Daschmann, Thomas Goetz, and Robert H. Stupinsky. How accurately can parents judge their children’s boredom in school? Front. Psychology, 30 June 2016, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00770
Shane W. Bench and Heather C. Lench, On the function of boredom. Sci.2013, 3(3), 459-472.
Michael Spaeth, Karina Weichold, Rainer Sibereisen. The development of leisure boredomin early adolescence: Predictors and longitudinal associations with delinquency and depression. Developmental Psychology, Vol 51(10), Oct, 2015. pp. 1380-1394.
Gordon Neufeld, 2013, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids. Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, neufeldinstitute.org.

Five Things You Might Not Know About Human Emotion

Humans are some of the most complex emotional creatures on earth. From our teenagers who roll their eyes in disdain to our toddlers who cry in frustration – raising kids has few emotional dull moments. What are we supposed to do with their emotions? Why are they so emotional in the first place?

Developmental science continues to unearth the pieces of the emotional puzzle, shedding light on why our kids are so emotional and how we are meant to help them. According to leading neuroscientist, V.S. Ramachandran, emotional development in humans is as sophisticated as the development of logical reasoning. There are a number of key principles that are not well understood when it comes to emotion with the top five listed here.

Emotions and feelings are not the same thing.

We often use the word emotion and feeling interchangeably but they refer to different things. Emotions are the raw impulses, chemical reactions, and action potential that is created when we become activated by something in our environment. The brain has a complex emotional system to deal with arousal which spurs our bodies into action.

Feelings on the other hand are the names and words we give to describe our emotion arousal. A feeling is the subjective appraisal we make for what has happened in our body that has stirred us up. The capacity to name our emotional state and give it a feeling name is something unique to humans and allows us to communicate with others and get our needs met. In short, emotions are the raw underpinnings that stir us up and feelings are how we use language to share this state with others.

Emotions are part of the unconsciousness.

Freud argued for the existence of an emotional unconscious and saw it as instrumental in influencing human behaviour. He eventually abandoned trying to prove it’s existence given his lack of tools and technology to study the brain. I believe Freud would have devoured the neuroscientific evidence today that highlights how we are not always aware of what emotions have stirred us up.

Humans possess an emotional unconscious that we are not always able to access and for good reason. Emotion has work to do. Emotions are what drive us forward to solve problems and effect change when needed. Awareness is a luxury in an emotional system that was designed to work at getting our needs met. A child who cries is not always aware of what is not working for them. This doesn’t stop their emotional system from creating signs of distress so as to bring caretakers near who can help them. In short, emotions are not problems – they are trying to solve them.

Emotions are not always expressed in the situations they were created in.

Emotions can come out of our kids in the strangest of places and at the most inopportune times. Emotions can be displaced such as when our kids explode in frustration after school or when they become agitated before bed time. This is not a mistake but part of a sophisticated design to ensure emotions come out when it is safe for them to do so. It is often better for a child’s emotional system to press down on strong emotions at school as it isn’t always wise to express how you feel among peers.

Doorways to emotional expression can happen at any time or place, with big reactions coming out in the face of small upsets. Emotional displacement can be confusing for adults as they are left to piece together why their child has come undone. The emotional system is like a pressure cooker in many ways. When things get pent up too much or when there is an opportunity provided to open up, the lid can come off.

Emotions need to be expressed.

Emotions are energizing and are meant to fuel us in moving towards getting our needs met. They can be expressed in a number of ways in order to discharge emotional energy. Emotions are expressed when kids play, move, scream, dance, or use their words. While they don’t always have control over how emotions are expressed because of immaturity, kids are moved to ‘get it out.’

Adults seem to hold onto the idea that if they give a child some room to express their emotions then that child might never stop expressing. The idea that expression leads to bigger emotional problems is faulty and fails to understand how emotion seeks expression in the first place. It is by helping a child ‘get it out,’ and dissipating the emotional energy that is trapped inside them, that we help them come to rest again. The biggest problems are not created by expressing emotions but in the absence of this.

Emotions can go missing.

We seem to operate under the false assumption that we are always capable of feeling our emotions in a vulnerable way. This is not true and unsupported by science. For example, children can get hurt yet appear unaffected. They can lack tears when faced with things that should upset them. Teens (and adults) can lack shame in the face of things they should be embarrassed by. The emotional system can press down on strong emotions when needed, and this is not part of conscious awareness. This is not a sign of a faulty system but one that is working hard to prevent vulnerable feelings from coming to the surface. The brain has its own reasons for numbing out emotions, but over the long term this poses challenges for healthy development. When hearts have become hardened, the goal is to render them soft again.

Carl Jung said that one of the most fascinating things to make sense of was the human psyche. I couldn’t agree with him more. The mysteries of the mind beginning with the complexity of the emotional system are what make humans unique. Emotional immaturity poses some challenges when raising kids as they will likely be stirred up often. Their emotional reactions can stir us up too. The goal in raising kids is not to join them in their emotional immaturity and to bear in mind that growth takes time and patience.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.

What Kids Worry and Fear at Different Ages

Kids have worries – from monsters to natural disasters. They can appear at random or may be triggered by everyday events. Their increasing awareness of the world, who is in it, and being able to anticipate bad things happening, can all increase their alarm.

Many of children’s fears can be existential, meaning they are indicative of a child’s growth and development as a separate being. Separation is the most impactful of all experiences and stirs up the emotional center of the brain and can create feelings of fear. As a child becomes increasingly independent, they are less dependent upon their caretakers which may foster some worry. As a child ages, this fear is often transformed into different themes but shares this common root issue.

Worries and fears that ebb and flow are part of the human condition, in fact, a lot of the brain’s energy is spent on evaluating incoming information for threats and sending out signals to the body. We don’t always know when we are afraid and have an emotional unconscious that operates outside of our conscious awareness. Joseph LeDoux, one of the world’s leading neuroscientists who studies anxiety, has shown that it is possible to be full of fear yet rendered speechless.

Common Fears and Worries

The following list contains some of the common fears and worries children may express at different ages. Many of these things are related to developmental changes and immaturity. Sometimes children may not able to articulate what their fears are and strategies for helping kids with higher levels of anxiety can be found in Helping the Anxious Teen or Child Find Rest and When the Worry Bugs are in Your Tummy.

0 to 6 months – Babies can show signs of fear at loud noises given they are unexpected and surprising. The loss of physical, visual, and auditory contact with their adults can also lead to alarm because the parts of the brain responsible for object permanence are not fully developed. When they lose contact with someone, they don’t know that this person will return as they lack an understanding that objects are permanent in time and space.

7 to 12 months – A child at this age can show signs of understanding that objects are permanent as well as causality. They realize that their adults can reappear and that they do have some influence on the actions of others, for example, when they cry someone will come to pick them up. At this age, it is common for them to display stranger protest which indicates their brain has developed enough to lock onto one person as a primary caretaker. This can result in playing shy with people they are not in contact with on a regular basis as well as showing preference for being in the company of their primary attachments. They are still often frightened by loud noises as well as objects that suddenly appear or loom over them.

1 year – Separation from parents is a common source of alarm and fear at this age and continues until 6 years of age. A young child is still highly dependent on adults for caretaking, therefore; they can be alarmed when distant from them. They can also be frightened if they get hurt, as well as loud sounds such as toilets flushing.

2 years – Young children at this age often exhibit some fear or animals as well as large objects. Their smaller size as well as lack of understanding about these things likely increases their alarm level. They may also state they are afraid of dark rooms with separation at night becoming increasingly challenging. Young children often feel most comfortable with structure and routine so changes in their environment can be potential source of concern for them.

3 to 4 years – With the increasing development of their brains, a young child’s imagination and capacity to anticipate bad things happening to them or others can increase. Their dreams may become more vivid with monsters appearing as well as other scary things. They can be afraid of animals, masks, the dark, and can seek comfort in the middle of the night when worried. There can be a heightened level of separation from parents because of their increasing independence, as evident in their exclamations of “I do it myself” and “No, I do!”

5 to 6 years – At this age a child may voice fears of being hurt physically as well as of ‘bad people’. Their play may reflect these themes as they start to imagine bad things happening that are not based in reality. They may voice concerns over ghosts and witches or other supernatural beings. Thunder and lightning may also stir them up too. Sleeping or staying on their own can still be provocative as they are just coming to the end of their development as a separate self.

7 to 8 years – Common fears include being left alone and can lead to wanting company, even if they are playing by themself. They may talk about death and worry about things that could harm them, for example, car accidents to plane crashes. They may still struggle with fears of the dark, as an extension of their growth as a separate being.

9 to 12 years – The ‘tween’ they may express worries related to school performance including a fear of tests and exams. They may have concerns with their physical appearance as well as being injured, and death. As they become more of a separate and social being, they can consider and compare who they are against others which can create some alarm. They may state their discomfort that they are growing up and don’t want to while other kids seem eager to leave childhood behind. It is important to note that the more peer oriented a child is, the more anxiety they may experience at this age as they turn to their peers for understanding who they are, When Peers Matter More than Parents.

Adolescence – For the teenager, personal relationships can be a source of confusion, worry, and fears. As they venture forth as a social being they still need to be anchored to caretakers at home to help them make sense of school issues including their friendships. They may voice fears over political issues given their increasing awareness of the world and movement towards adulthood. Some teens show signs of increasing superstition in an attempt to reduce some of the fears they have at this age too. Anticipating the future and what it holds for them can become a source of worry, along with natural disasters, and other themes related to growing up.

Strategies for Dealing with Worries

For the young child their fear is often alleviated through connection with caring adults who provide safety and reassurance. As a child ages, their increasing maturity will mean they will need to find both courage and tears to face their fears. This growth can be cultivated with the help of adults they trust and can count on.

Connection – When kids are worried, the best sources of support will come from their closest attachments. Listening to a child’s worries, acknowledging how they are feeling and coming alongside them can help to lessen their fears. Coming alongside means to listen with full attention and to reflect what you have heard instead of problem solving or negating what they have said. If a child’s level of fears and worries are more persistent and chronic, then taking steps to tackle anxiety may be appropriate.

Play with fear – One of the ways a child’s alarm system develops is by interacting with the world around them. While they may be startled, or show signs of fear, being able to play at this experience can help to diffuse its intensity. As a child plays their brain can integrate the signals as fear is less likely to hijack their emotional systems. Traditional games that can help include hide and seek, peek a boo, board games, to stories that include risk and fear.

Courage and Bravery – Children under the age of 5 to 7 are unable to exhibit courage because of the lack of integration in their prefrontal cortex. They are only able to feel one intense emotion at a time, so their fear can overwhelm them and when pushed, they can become frustrated, resistant, or attack. When a child is 6 or younger, it may be better to use a relationship with someone they trust to walk them into things that might be new or scary. It is important not to let their fears take the lead in terms of deciding what they should or should not do. For kids who are older, helping them to express what bothers them is helpful. When they can find their words for what scares them, they are better able to articulate their desires that will help them be courageous in the face of what alarms them.

Tears – Fears can also be alleviated by helping a child express their sadness about the things that worry them. For example, they may talk about a friend who doesn’t always play with them to not wanting to grow up. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to cry or feel one’s disappointment in the face of one’s fears. This will result in a release of the fear as well as some resiliency in the face of one’s worries.

The brain is a sophisticated alarm system that is meant to be activated when separation is anticipated or real. As a child ages, the shape and form of their fears and worries can change in reflection of their increasing development. The role of adults in their life is to cultivate deep connections with them, listen and acknowledge that they are afraid, help them be cautious, find their tears, or be moved to courage as the ultimate answer to their alarm.

When the Worry Bugs Are in Your Tummy: Helping a Child with Anxiety

When my daughter was anxious she used to tell me, “Mama, my tummy feels like it is making butter.” After ruling out sickness, I told her tummies sometimes get upset when there are worries in them. She replied with, “I don’t know what I am worried about.” I took her words at face value because the reality is we don’t always know what stirs us up. The brain has its own reasons for activating emotional arousal and we are not always conscious of why this is so. Alarm and fear are like this – they have a way of getting so big we are blinded as to their true source.

One of my niece’s told me at the dinner table the other night that she felt sick to her stomach as she ate. After asking her some questions I told her I thought they might be ‘worry bugs.’ I asked her to sit on my lap and I put a hand on her tummy and said it felt like worry bugs to me. I asked her if she knew what she was worried about? She said, “I am not worried at all!” I replied that when the worry bugs are in your tummy and not in your head, we usually don’t know what they are about and this is okay. I said thought the worry bugs would move and eventually come out of her mouth if we just gave it time.

A half hour later my niece said the worry bugs had moved and were no longer in her tummy. I asked where they were located and she said, “in my throat.” I asked her to open her mouth and then looked inside it and said, “oh yes, they look like worry bugs alright.” I let her know that I thought they would come out soon too. Later on that evening she came to find me and said that she thought I was right, that she really did have worry bugs in her tummy. She said she realized she was worried about watching the movie the kids had picked out because it looked scary to her. She said that after she watched a little of it she thought she could handle it. I asked her if there were any worry bugs left and she said, “No, they are all gone now.”

My niece was afraid yet rendered speechless about it. She is also very sensitive and things can stir her up easily. She didn’t have words for what made her afraid, only nameless worries in her tummy. The answer is not to tell a child to calm down, to tell them to make the worries go away, or to have them think positively. The goal is to invite the child to express what is stirring them up through words. It is our invitation to them to express their worries that helps bring the emotional system back into balance. It is the increased awareness of what stirs them up along with being able to make sense of it that helps bring emotions to rest.

Inviting Emotional Expression

If we want our children to have a relationship with their emotions and find feelings names to attach to them, then we will need to start by inviting them to express themself. The biggest obstacle to expression is believing there will be some repercussion to one’s relationship for speaking one’s heart and mind. If sharing a piece of yourself leads to further distance from someone you wish to be close to, then the brain is faced with a dilemma. The hunger for attachment wins over the need to express oneself and the self is supressed for the sake of preserving a relationship. In other words, children won’t share their feelings with us if it interferes with getting their relational needs met. This is not intentional nor done consciously but is instinctive in origin.

There are a number of strategies that are helpful in encouraging a child to express their heart’s contents but they all rely on being in right relationship with a child. This means the parent is considered to be a warm, caring, and generous caretaker that the child can rely on. A child must be deeply attached so as to want to share their secrets in a vulnerable way.

Invite expression by conveying warmth and a willingness to listen – If we want a child to communicate their internal world to us we will need to listen with our own emotional system. This is where our intuition and capacity to read a child’s emotions and needs is critical. We will need to convey a desire to hear what they have to say and listen with full attention.

Make room for expression – There needs to be enough time and space for a child to be able to consider their internal world. This might be done when they are free to play and are not preoccupied with peers, screen time, schooling or instruction. To bring emotions into consciousness requires not only an invitation but room. Jaak Pankseep, a leading neuroscientist, states children need ‘play sanctuaries’ for the purpose of emotional expression.

Come alongside their feelings – When a child is expressing their feelings or thoughts the goal is to listen and come alongside them. This will increase the likelihood that they will tell us more and be able to feel in a more vulnerable way. Coming alongside means we acknowledge what a child has said, for example, “yes, worry bugs come when we are thinking about scary movies sometimes.” To come alongside means we don’t discount, negate, judge, problem solve, or try to teach them a lesson when they are sharing their experiences. The goal is to communicate that we are hearing them which helps to bring the emotions into full consciousness.

Hide your own emotional needs – When we are trying to help a child with their own emotions then it is important not to trump this with our own emotional expression. Parents need to hide how they are stirred up in order to make the focus on the child’s internal world. If a child sees or believes that what they share will be too hard for a parent, they may preserve their relationship and supress their feelings. Our job is to hold onto their feelings and guide them in finding their way through them. Our own emotions will only serve to cloud the picture and likely alarm or confuse them.

Help a child name their emotions with feeling words – Emotions are the raw impulses that arouse us based on stimuli from the environment. Our feelings are the names that we give these emotional states, such as fear, upset, sadness, or frustration. Humans are unique in their capacity to be able to reflect and become aware of their instincts and emotions. This development takes time and needs support from adults who can guide kids to give names to their emotions.

When it comes to emotional expression we think the answer is to calm our kids down when what helps them find a way through is to become conscious of what stirs them up. We cannot control our emotional arousal – it happens to us. What we can do is to help our kids get their hands on the steering wheel and form intentions about what to do with their feelings.

Anxiety is part of the human condition, we need not pathologize it. We were meant to be stirred up – sometimes with ‘worry bugs’ or with ‘tummies that make butter.’ The emotions that challenge us the most are the ones that have no names and no room for expression.

Our emotions are not problems, they are just trying to fix the problems in our life. We need to teach our kids to listen to their internal emotional world by guiding them and having faith that balance and stability was never achieved by cutting out feelings but by letting them loose.

When we are confident that there is a way through, our children will follow us. Resilient kids are those that feel a lot, have names for their feelings, and believe that facing what upsets them is the surest way through the storms in life.

Playing Matchmaker: Cultivating Relationships with Teachers and Adults Who Care for Our Kids

When we give birth to a child, we also need to cultivate the village of adults that will help us raise them. This community may consist of daycare workers, teachers, coaches, instructors, to extended family. This is critical as children flourish in environments where there is a seamless connection or invisible matrix of adults surrounding them. The challenge is parents can’t leave this formation to chance, they must introduce and matchmake one’s children to the adults who are responsible for them.

Matchmakers are agents of attachment who are not afraid to take the lead in fostering human connection. While the word matchmaker is usually associated with romantic relationships or business partnerships, it serves another role when it comes to caring for kids. Matchmakers connect two people who are unknown to each other and foster a sense of relatedness.

Why is matchmaking so important? Children have natural shyness instincts that move them to resist contact and closeness with people they are not attached to. As an attachment instinct, shyness ensures that a child follows, obeys, listens, and shares the same values as the people they are closest to. Children should naturally shy away from people who have not been sanctioned by their closest attachments.

When we look for people who will help us care for our children we consider many things such as their background, training, facilities, and demeanour but one of the most important thing to consider is whether we can foster a caring relationship between them and our child. If a child, especially young ones, do not feel at home in their adult relationships, they will be difficult to care for and may turn to their peers over their adults in terms of connection.

5 Ways to Play Matchmaker

The essence of matchmaking is being able to introduce a child and adult in a way that engages their attachment instincts and desire for contact and closeness. There are a number of strategies one can employ as a matchmaker; yet, it is as much about the science of attachment as it is the art of cultivating relationships.

Take the lead

To be a matchmaker a parent needs to feel empowered in this role and be a little arrogant that they are the answer to ensuring two people have a relationship. For example, at a dentist or doctors office a parent needs to take the lead in introducing their child. When we have the attachment lead with a child, we need to guide them to other caring adults and show them we approve of the connection. We can’t assume that adults will collect our kids and start building a relationship with them. If we allow others to do the introductions for us, we are not in the lead. We were meant to point out to our children the people we believe to be their best bet for leaning upon.

Look for sameness and similarities

One of the ways children feel connected to adults is through sameness, meaning they feel they have something in common with them. Being the same as someone is not as vulnerable as having to share your secrets or heart. As a matchmaker, parents need to work to prime the relationship, pointing our similarities and working hard to highlight areas of likeness. For example, one mother said her four year was having a hard time settling into kindergarten so she approached his teacher for help.

“I spoke with the teacher the other day about bringing my son in early so he could settle in when there was no one else around. He seems to be anxious when things are busy so we left early to get him there before all of the kids started trickling in. We then packed his dinosaurs to bring to school and spoke about how wonderful it was to bring things to share with his teacher and friends. His teacher noticed his tote when he walked in the class and asked questions about it and that seemed to make him super happy! And then they walked to the carpet and set up his toys. I gave him a high 5 and said his teacher and friends were going to be super happy to see what he brought! He then turned to me and waved goodbye!!! No tears, no fuss!”

There are many ways to draw out similarities, from similar interests, experiences, to desires. When kids feel that they have something in common with people that care for them, they are more likely to be more receptive to their care. The challenge is that a sense of sameness is often easier with their same aged peers which could come at the expense of their adult ones. This can lead to a host of problems including peer orientation where they are more influenced and take direction from their friends rather than adults.

Foster a sense of approval and connection between the adults

When a parent demonstrates that they like another adult, a child will often follow their lead. On an instinctive level the child’s brain says, “If you like this person then I will like them too.” When they see us expressing warmth, delight and enjoyment to another person, they are likely to follow our lead. This requires us to be thoughtful in our conversations regarding the adults in their life and ensure what they hear preserves these relationships. For example, when a child has a new teacher it will be important to express approval and interest in this person, encouraging a child to share their daily experiences with them. It is important to not judge what these adults do in front of the child as we will run the risk of thwarting their relationship. If conversations are required regarding the child, then it is often best done without them being present.

Create routines and rituals to foster connection

Creating a culture of attachment is best done through routines and rituals. Routines are great at orienting kids to the transition between their adults such as at drop off and pick up. This could include a standard hello as well as some simple conversation about everyday events like the weather or plans for the day. When a parent feels the child has connected to the adult they can say their goodbyes and leave swiftly. Hanging around to talk or prolonged goodbye often agitates young children as they don’t know who they should orient too.

One father told me his drop off included pretending he was a knight and telling his 4 year old that, “The warm hearted maiden, Angela, will care for you in my absence. You are in good stead with her my son.” With a bow to Angela and his son he left promptly. His son looked forward to each morning’s goodbye and Angela felt empowered in her caretaking role.

Rituals foster connection and a sense of community – from celebrating holidays to special occasions. When children see adults sharing food, eating meals together, gathering, playing games or going on outings, the sense of being cared for by a village is further highlighted. For young children gradual entry and school orientations are also important rituals which allow a child to warm up to a teacher or daycare provider and feel comfortable with them.

Maintain a hierarchy of attachments

It is fine to introduce children to many adults as long as we keep their attachment hierarchy in place. The parent(s) need to be at the top of the hierarchy with all other adults falling under them. To ensure this, a parent needs to explain to whom a child should go to for help when needed.

If a child sees a parent being reprimanded, dismissed, or treated poorly by other adults, it can threaten their attachment hierarchy with the parent at the helm. If a parent needs support then it is best to do it in a way that preserves the parent role in the eyes of a child. Admonishing parents in front of their child can hurt a child in the long run. They need to feel and believe their parents know how to care for them, even if the parent needs support in being able to do this.

Hellos and goodbyes can be provocative for kids but they are made less so when kids feel connected to adults at each of these junctures. We can’t blame our kids for missing their favourite people but we can help them feel at home with other caring adults. What children need most is a network of caring adults. If we devote even half of our energy to this instead of focussing on peer to peer relationships, we could build a seamless attachment matrix around them.

Parents need to play matchmaker and introduce one’s children to the supporting cast of adults that will help raise them. Children shouldn’t have to question who is caring for them. They need to be free to play and focus on learning about who they are and what they can do.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and Director of the Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The One Thing Every Kid Needs in their School Backpack

A friend told me her son couldn’t understand why a young child he knew had such a hard time being away from his mother while at school. The kindergartener would cling to her mother’s hand and in tears, voice protestations to being left behind. My friend explained to her son that the 5-year old felt scared to be separated and left with people she didn’t know well. Her son, still confused, looked up at her and said, “but why doesn’t she just talk to her Mom in her head?” Astonished, my friend looked at her son and said, “is that what you do?” He replied, “Yeah, I talk to you in my head all day, it helps me not feel so lonely and I don’t miss you as much.”

What every kid needs to take to school is an adult they hold onto psychologically. It is the sense they carry with them that there is someone to return home to, share their secrets with, and feel a sense of significance, belonging, and caring towards. It underlies their capacity to be resilient, resourceful, and survive adversity. It allows them to face the challenges that school will present, from learning new subjects to persevering on tasks that are difficult. It will be critical to helping them deal with tricky peer groups, friends that turn into enemies, and bullies that are on every playground.

The beautiful design inherent to attachment is that we don’t have to be physically close to someone to feel connected; rather, we need to make sure we are firmly planted in their heart. A strong relationship with at least one caring adult is the answer to resiliency in our kids – not skills they have to learn, having to act tough, or to ‘suck it up.’ We don’t need to work at preventing our kid’s from facing adversity but make sure they don’t face it alone. Relationship is the natural home for the human heart.

The Shielding Effect of Adult Relationships

When a child has a strong relationship with an adult, their heart is shielded. The emotional system is protected from the wounding words and ways of others because a child cares more what their closest adult attachment thinks about them. What kids say doesn’t hurt as much, it doesn’t feel as toxic, personal, nor as deep. The best inoculation against ‘mean’ kids is an adult who is holding onto a child. It is an adult who should offer a child an invitation for relationship that is gracious, generous, forgiving and unwavering.

While adult relationships shield kid’s emotional systems from the worst parts of their day, there will still be tears that may need to be shed. There will be emotions that are stirred up and need to be expressed as well as problems to be solved. It is through relationship they are invited to rest from all that does not work so that they can embrace what might.

As a parent it feels like my homework each night involves gathering my kids and trying to take their pulse emotionally. I aim to help them make sense of their disappointments, hurts, as well as excitement and joy. Sometimes the stories and day’s events spill out of them spontaneously, or sometimes they need space, quiet, food, or to play before I can engage them. At dinner my kids sometimes compete for airtime or can be mute, alerting me to the fact that a bedtime chat is likely the best place to connect. I care little how or when my children and I engage on the day’s event and only that we do. I keep my eyes on our relationship and an ear to their emotional world, vigilant to when I am needed most. I take faith that what my kids need most in facing the world outside are the relationships that anchor them to home.

How to Cultivate Strong Relationships with Kids

The recipe to cultivating a strong relationship with a child cannot be reduced to a set of instructions, directions, or mantras to hold onto. Relationships at their root, are an invitation that is offered to someone. It is an invitation to depend, to trust in, be guided by, and feel at home with someone. We cannot dictate how relationships are forged and protected but we can be certain that it is the answer to the problem of facing separation and adversity.

Tragically, there are too many kids who are not tethered to an adult home and will look for substitutes to hold onto. They often lean on their friends for connection which usually leads to issues in terms of their emotional vulnerability. An immature child is a poor substitute for the caring relationship an adult can offer.

The good news is it is also possible for a teacher or another adult to anchor a child’s heart as well. The sense that someone cares for them and offers them an invitation for relationship goes a long way when they face rejection, separation, or are shamed by their peers. From the educational assistants who encourage kids to keep trying to the counsellors that are a soft place to land when days are hard – these adults can make a difference to kids when home is challenged to offer what they need most.

The following strategies are key to building strong relationship with kids and protecting them from competing attachments such as peers or technological devices.

Collect their attention and engage their attachment instincts

We all seek connection – it is the primary driver in our attention system. The goal is to get their first with kids, meaning we need to collect their eyes, smile or a nod in agreement. We need to engage them each morning by checking in, talking about the plans for the day, to sharing a funny story – anything that puts you into relationship with them. Feeding them is a wonderful opportunity to collect their eyes and to invite them to depend on you.

Cultivate loyalty and a sense of belonging

When a child perceives an adult as being disloyal to them by not taking their side, understanding their perspective, or using what they care about against them through consequences or the use of time outs – the relationship can take a hit. When there is a sense that an adult is not for them, a separation is created in the relationship. The challenge is there are times we cannot abide by a child’s actions or their words, when their behaviour is clearly inappropriate and we will need to act. Finding our way through these situations while maintaining a sense of belonging and loyalty can be achieved by coming alongside the feelings and thoughts that have stirred a child up. While we make note of what isn’t okay, we can cue the child that we do understand and are there to help with what isn’t working for them. It doesn’t mean we have to change what isn’t working, but we can give them some room to express it.

Family rituals, structure, and routine

As kids face the separations that are part of life, they need to regularly return to things that ground them. Rituals and structure are these anchors, providing a regular hum and predictability to contact with their key relationships. From the morning routine that starts with a hello and ends with a goodbye to the dinner time that starts with a hello and ends with a goodnight – these are the rhythm’s that connect kids to time, place, and people. If separation is the problem, then holding onto to the connection that comes from rituals, structures, and routines is the answer.

The reality is we can’t perfect a child’s world or ensure they never face adversity. Venturing away from home is an important part of life. School often represents the first bold steps in this direction but we need not be alarmed by what awaits them. We just need to work at making sure they have our relationship to hold onto that will shield their heart from wounding. Relationship is the home of the heart and when we understand this, we won’t ever fear that our kids will ever be too far away from us.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Softening the Hardened Heart

Hearts can grow cold and become hardened, something poets, artists, and musicians have always claimed. From children to adults, emotional numbing is part of the human condition and reveals the inherent vulnerability in a system that was built to feel deeply. As Hank Williams lamented, “Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?” The loss to human functioning is tragic as it is our caring that makes us fully human and most humane.

Today we have neuroscience mapping out how emotional inhibition occurs within the limbic system. At last Freud’s theory of how we can be driven by unconscious emotions has gained its neuroscientific footing. Every brain comes equipped with the capacity to tune out what distresses, repress bad memories, dull the pain, suppress alarming feelings, and be divested of caring and responsibility (1). The anthem of the emotional defended is, “I don’t care,” “doesn’t matter,” “that doesn’t bother me,” or “whatever” and resounds loudly among our kids (and many adults) today.

Being defended against vulnerable feelings is an equal opportunity problem not confined by geography, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, or education level. It is a quintessential human issue given our unique capacity to reflect on our emotions and assign feeling names, unlike other mammal species. The three or four year old who suddenly bursts out with their words instead of their hits, “I frustrated! I need HELP!” reveals the developmental sophistication in this system. We were meant to develop a language of the heart, one that takes us towards civilized relating around emotional content.

When Caring Goes Missing

Caring feelings are a luxury in a world that feels like it is coming undone. There are sometimes too many acts of uncaring for a human heart to bear in today’s ‘connected world’ when self centered actions dominate, combined with an absence of shame or fear, and no tears in the face of all that should make us weep. As T.S. Eliot pens in his poem, “The Hollow Men,” vulnerable feelings often go missing not with a bang but with a whimper. We were meant to care deeply – and not just about ourselves but about others too. The hunger for connection is what should hold us together but there are times we seem so intent on tearing these relationships apart. The vulnerable feelings that make us most vital and human go missing for the sake of survival.

When the emotional system flatlines, not only does fear disappear but joy, delight, and enjoyment too. Some of my counselling clients would tell me, “I don’t need anybody, I don’t really care I am on my own” with little emotion. It created problems attaching to others and preventing the love that was there for them in getting through the wall of defenses their brain had erected. They could not feel, despite being aware on some level that they really should be. As one teen said to me, I know I should be happy but I just don’t feel anything right now. When the emotional system operates in a defensive mode, the caring feelings go missing along with their tempering effect on frustration, upset, alarm, and impatience.

How to Revive Hardened Hearts

What is critical to remember is when a heart becomes hardened, the brain has its own reasons for pressing down upon vulnerable feelings. To feel sets the person up to get hurt and the brain is geared towards survival at all costs. To bring emotional defenses down, the heart must be softened. The question is how can this be done? The heart won’t be resuscitated through logic, cognitive manipulation, or behavioural interventions. When our kids lose their caring (or adults), it is the warmth and caring of others that offers the best chance of melting emotional defenses.

According to Gordon Neufeld, a heart can only be softened with the cultivation of safe and caring attachments with others. It is relationship that offers someone the promise of safety, warmth and dependence. It is attachment that is the ancidote to facing too much separation and leads to wounding. The human heart will spontaneously recover and experience vulnerable feelings again when emotional defenses are no longer needed. It cannot get there with a pill, prodding, pushing, cajoling, rewarding, or punishing but only through the warmth of another human being.

What every person needs most of all is a guardian for their heart. As one ten year old said to her mother, “I don’t what it is about you Mama, but when I talk to you I feel such comfort.” One of my clients said her sixteen-year old son said, “Mom, you always seem to know what to say to help me when I am really scared.” This is the job of parenting – to hold on to our kid’s hearts and shield them. As adults, the hope would be that we can rest in the care of another.

Three Keys to Melting Emotional Defenses

Lead into Vulnerable Territory – If we are going to soften emotional defenses and increase vulnerability we will need to lead someone there but this can’t be done without cultivating a strong relationship first. When I trained new counselors they would often ask me for the ‘techniques’ to elicit emotional responses in clients. I would lecture them on how they were asking me the wrong question. The most important part of their role was not a diagnosis or a technique but about showing up as a human being. Psychology does not own suffering, humans do. We cannot expect someone to share their heart with us if we have not earned a place in their life first.

When we have built a strong relationship with someone we can lead then lead them towards vulnerable territory, ever so gently. With a young child it might be reading picture books about characters with big feelings, taking an older child to see a movie such as “Inside Out,” or having chats with teens about the songs they are listening to or the ‘heros’ they admire. It is our job to use our relationship to come to their side and invite them to share their world with us. When appropriate we can reflect back what we have heard in increasingly vulnerable ways such as, “sadness saves the day – who ever thought that would happen!” It is the slow, but consistent message that all of a child’s feelings are welcome and that the relationship can handle what needs to be said, that will slowly bring the defenses down.

To lead someone to their vulnerable feelings we will need to be caring ourselves and model an openness to vulnerability. This doesn’t mean we tell our children our feelings about them but rather reflect on vulnerability as a strength and as being valued. We can then increasingly touch emotional bruises in their life in a gentle way as needed.

Shield with a safe attachment – When a child has a caring attachment that they can take for granted, their heart will be shielded by that relationship. What we forget with our kids is just because we are their guardian, it doesn’t mean they have given us their heart for safe keeping. If a child is truly at home with someone, the hurts in their life can be experienced and made sense of with this person. We cannot protect our children from being hurt all the time, but we can make sure they are not sent out into the world to deal with it on their own. It is our love and caretaking that buffers them against rejection, betrayal, and heartache.

The beautiful design in attachment is that our hearts can shield another’s from injury – it is the ultimate cure and protection. As my children lament about their school day and harsh words from friends, I collect their tears and remind them that they are never too far from home. As I listen to their emotional injuries, my balm is to tell them not to take it into their heart, and to look at me, the one who knows them best. When we feel overwhelmed and lost it is about who we look to that will help ground us, to center us, and to bring us back to ourselves. It is caring that is meant to tie us together and make us caretakers for each other’s hearts.

Protect from emotional wounding and facing separation –If the brain has erected emotional defenses then we can try to reduce the need for them by creating shame-free zones. Typically these would be protected spaces against peer and sibling interactions that are wounding. It would mean minimizing involvement in places where there was a lack of invitation for connection, e.g. a family member that is unkind to a child, or a classroom full of kids who bully.

If the child’s world is too much for them emotionally then we will need to consider how we change their world to reduce the need for defenses. While this may lead to some hard choices, until the heart is back online, there will be problems with behaviour and development can be at a standstill. When the heart is flatlining, resuscitating it become the first order of business.

In reducing wounding we would want to scan the child’s world to see where they face too much separation. This can include forms of discipline that are separation based including time-outs and the overuse of consequences. Moving to more attachment based and developmentally friendly forms of discipline can help to reduce wounding. When problems occur, finding a way to hold on to the relationship in the middle of the storm is the best way through, for example, “this isn’t working, we will talk about this later,” or “I can’t let you do this, I see you are frustrated, I will help you figure it out.” When there are emotional defenses that are stuck, it will be common to have behaviour problems to have to work around until more vulnerable feelings come back on line. It will involve protecting others, including the dignity of the parent and child involved.

What is clear is we cannot ‘will’ emotional defenses to rise or fall, this is not for us to say. However, it is within our capacity to move into relationship with someone, to take up a relationship with their feelings, and to convey that despite everything, it is our relationship that is most secure in their life. If hurting too much is the problem, then surely love is the answer. It is a solution as old as time but one that needs to keep being retold in a world that continues to come undone.

Reference

(1) Gordon Neufeld, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids, 2013, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC. www.neufeldinstitute.org

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents and professionals based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The Trouble with Time-outs

The Trouble with Time-Outs

Time outs have become a popular disciplinary practice, aimed at replacing spanking and broadly supported by health and parenting professionals. Like a magic wand, they seek to immediately change a child’s behaviour but rarely is the question asked, “Why do they work and at what cost to the child? From the naughty chair to sending a child to their room, time-outs typically involve excluding or isolating a child from others and/or activities. Time-outs are hailed as a ‘success’ when a child returns from one willing to listen and behave but what is the long-term impact on a child’s development and their relationship to adults? Based on the last seventy years of research in developmental science, it is clear the reason time-outs ‘work’ is the same reason we shouldn’t use them in the first place.

The problem with disciplinary advice given to parents today is it is often disconnected from developmental science and fragmented, not taking into account how a child grows and matures. The benchmark for measuring disciplinary success is whether problematic behaviour has stopped with the belief that a child has learned a lesson. Changing a child’s behaviour in the moment does not equal maturity – one is a short-term solution – the other is a long-term proposition. We have become preoccupied with what to do in the moment and have lost sight of the bigger question. We need to consider how our approach to discipline helps to foster or erode the relational conditions our children require to grow as socially and emotionally responsible beings. Discipline doesn’t make our kids more mature, it is what we do to compensate for the fact that they are not. Discipline is how we provide order to the chaos that immaturity brings. The question is not whether we remove our children from others and activities that are clearly not working, (e.g., having a tantrum in a restaurant), but how we can do this while preserving our relationship with a child as well as their emotions.

Why do Time-out’s ‘Work’ to Extinguish Behaviour?

Time-outs work because they trade on a child’s greatest need – connection. The emotional system in a child is geared towards preserving proximity with their closest attachments and trumps physical hunger. Attachment is defined as the intense pursuit for contact and closeness with an adult, feeling significant, that they are cared for, known and understood. As Urie Brofenbenner the founder of the Head Start Program, said, “Every child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about him or her.”¹ The womb of personhood is a relational one and it is our connection to our children that unlocks their potential to mature.

Parent and child relationships are critical when it comes to being able to care for them as it fosters dependence on us, should create a sense of safety and protection, enable us to impart our values, and point our children towards civilized relating when required. As a result, a child’s emotional system is designed and governed by impulses and instincts to preserve connection with their caretakers. It is the hunger for connection that time-out’s prey and rely on, exploiting a child’s greatest need.

What a time-out can represent to a child is that the invitation for relationship is withdrawn unless conduct and behaviour changes. This is the essence and definition of a conditional invitation for connection. If a child deems the relationship with the adult as being worth preserving, their alarm system will press down on other emotions in order to tuck them back into relationship with this adult. In other words, if the emotions you are experiencing and expressing lead to a disconnection with your adults, the brain will strategically move to depress these and move a child into restoring contact and closeness with a parent. The reason a child returns from a time-out willing to behave, to listen, to be ‘good as gold’ is because their emotional system has been hijacked by alarm and they are driven to preserve connection by being ‘good.’

Time-outs are the ultimate sacrifice play when it comes to a child’s emotional world. Developmental science is unequivocal in its findings that both relationship and emotion are the two most important factors in healthy development. Time-outs in the way they are used to separate a child from others and activities can injure both the relationship and emotions in a child. The child’s hunger for attachment as well as emotional expression collide upon each other but the need for relationship takes the lead. It is not uncommon to see alarm problems or frustration pop up in other places in a child who is stirred up this way. It can be released on a sibling, a pet, another child or objects, whenever an opportunity presents itself. It can also provoke defensive instincts to back out of attachment and to numb vulnerable feelings.

Time out’s work because we use a child’s greatest need against them, the disconnection pushes their noses into their hunger for connection and boomerangs them back into behaving. There are many forms of time-out’s given to kids today from giving someone the cold shoulder, withdrawal of love, tough love, counting to three, and ignoring. Each of these convey a conditional invitation to be in our presence according to behaviour and conduct.

Why Time-Out’s Don’t Work for Every Child

Time-outs don’t extinguish problematic behaviour in all children. They are often too provocative for sensitive kids and can evoke a strong alarm response. This may lead to the child defensively detaching from their adults altogether, for example, running away or hiding.

Time-outs also won’t ‘work’ well with kids who don’t have a strong enough attachment with an adult who is using them. If there is little desire to be connected or good for that adult then the separation caused through a time out will not activate a child’s pursuit for connection. There are many reasons for a lack of relationship but it be a sign that a child has defensively detached from an adult if there had been a prior connection.

How to Move Away From Using Time-outs

The question I am often asked is “what do I do instead of time outs,” and “what do I do if I have been using them?” There are many online resources I have added at the end of this article meant to help with this question. One of the easiest ways to discipline is to supervise kids and provide direction. If a child doesn’t listen or want to be good for an adult, it may be less of a discipline issue and more of a relational one. Cultivating a stronger relationship with a child and collecting them before directing them should help in many scenarios.

If time-outs have been used then a parent or adult can start going with a child to quiet space or a different place or choosing to remain exactly where they are in the face of incidents. Trying to focus on the relationship and what is stirring a child up is key, with potentially moving the discussion about an incident to when strong emotions have subsided.

The following 5 Guidelines for Handling Incidents created by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and used with his permission, are from the Neufeld Institute’s Making Sense of Discipline Online Course. They are particularly helpful in situations where emotions are involved, rather than at times when simply instructions will suffice in redirecting a child. The aim is to not try and make headway in the moment but in aiming to do no harm to the relationship until things can be addressed later.

In addressing the violation we are cueing the child to what is appropriate and not appropriate when it comes to behaviour. For example, we might say, hands aren’t for hitting, toys aren’t for throwing, and it isn’t okay to talk to an adult that way. As Neufeld states, we can drop the “infraction flag” and point out what isn’t working without identifying the child with their behaviour. We can bridge the problem behaviour by conveying we still desire contact and closeness with them despite their actions. This doesn’t ‘reward’ a child for problem behaviour, it merely ensures that you can use your connection with a child later on to influence them in acting a different way or in helping them understand their emotions, name them, and respond in a more civilized manner.

When a child is out of control we often try to control the child instead of the circumstances. If a child is too frustrated in playing with others we can change the circumstances and provide some reprieve. If they have jumps in them or are overly active, instead of getting them to sit down and relax, we can help them move by playing outside. When a child is most stirred up emotionally, our attempts to control them and their emotions often backfire. We may need to compensate and bide our time, changing the circumstances around a child until we, and they, are in a better place to make headway.

We can also let the child know we will debrief or talk about an incident later. In the heat of the moment we are often not able to proceed in a way that can protect and hold onto our relationship with our kids. They are often too stirred up to hear what we have to say. Simply letting the child know when something hasn’t worked out and that you will follow-up with them later, helps them understand that something needs to change and you are there to help them with this.

If a situation is emotionally charged and adverse, exiting from the incident sooner than later can be beneficial. Emotions tend to fuel further emotions such as frustration and alarm and when we are stirred up it is best to pause from proceeding. While we take a break from the incident, it is important to convey that the relationship is not broken. While we may need to be firm on behaviour, we can be easy on the relationship.

What the practice of time-outs cost us long term are the strong relationships with our kids that we will need to steer them towards maturity. We need to become more conscious of the risks to their development as well with how time-outs can evoke defenses against emotions and vulnerability. As Gordon Neufeld states, our kids need to rest in our relationship and not work to keep it. We must be the ones to hold onto them and what is clear is that time-outs make our kids work for love. There is a better way.

For more information on discipline that is attachment based and developmentally friendly for young kids, see Chapter Ten in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one) and/or take the Neufeld Institute course, Making Sense of Discipline with Dr. Gordon Neufeld.

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

References

Larry K. Brendtro, “The vision of Urie Bronfenbrenner: Adults who are crazy about kids,” Reclaiming Children and Youth: The Journal of Strength-Based Interventions 15 (2006): 162–66.

Resources

Discipline for the Immature, Chapter Ten in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one)
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
https://www.amazon.com/Rest-Play-Grow-Making-Preschoolers/dp/0995051208/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467908921&sr=8-1&keywords=rest+play+grow

Making Sense of Discipline, Online Course, Neufeld Institute
By Dr. Gordon Neufeld
See a preview of the course here — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK7qui2BsfY
Course Description

Making Sense of Discipline

Are Time-outs an effective form of punishment? Video from Kids in the House
Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Founder of Neufeld Institute https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So7sJW23xM8

Positive Parenting Alternative to Time-outs and Grounding,
By Nicole Schwarz at Imperfect Families
http://imperfectfamilies.com/2016/07/04/9-positive-parenting-alternatives-timeout-grounding/

Pulling Weeds: Shifting from Discipline to Nurturing the Whole Child,
By Rebecca Eanes (author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide)
http://www.positive-parents.org/2016/05/pulling-weeds-shifting-from-discipline.html

The Problem with Consequences for Young Children
Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/the-problem-with-consequences-for-young-children/

Soliciting Good Intentions: A Discipline Strategy That Preserves Relationships
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/soliciting-kids-good-intentions-a-discipline-strategy-that-preserves-relationships/

Why Kids Resist and What we Can Do About It
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/why-kids-resist-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

Helping the Anxious Child or Teen Find Rest

As a parent it is challenging when you feel helpless to effect change for a child who is suffering or anxious. Parents often ask their kids “Just tell me what’s wrong,” or “what can I do to help you,” only to stare into blank faces or be given reasons that defy understanding. As a child’s anxiety grows, so does a parent’s. The more a child is full of worry, the more a parent can question their ability to help them feel safe.

Parents sometimes look to professionals to alleviate their child’s anxiety or to calm them down; however, one of the most important sources of rest for a child is usually overlooked – a strong caring attachment with an adult who is responsible for them. The challenge with anxiety is it can displace a parent from seeing they can still the answer to their child’s needs.

Anxiety is considered one of the biggest health issues in children and teens worldwide. Despite its prevalence, the root cause of anxiety is rarely discussed beyond genetics, neurotransmitters, behavioral symptoms, disorder, or dysfunctional cognitive patterns. Part of challenge is it is difficult to put one’s finger on the source of anxiety as it feels nebulous, ephemeral, and vague. What is anxiety and where does it come from? Why does it strike out of the blue, can last for short or long time periods, is more prevalent in some kids and not in others? In order to make sense of these questions we need to consider what anxiety is in the first place.

What is Anxiety?

The word anxiety is associated with the symptoms that go with it including restlessness, agitation, stomach aches, clinging and clutching behaviour, apprehensive feelings, problems focusing, racing thoughts, or hyperactivity. A young child once told me, “it feels like my tummy is making butter right now.” That churning feeling is due to an activated alarm system in the body. The human brain is a sophisticated alarm system that is highly tuned to perceiving threat in one’s environment. It filters through stimuli and detects potential danger, providing an expedient warning system through a heightened sense of alarm when a threat is near. Sometimes there are false alarms and sometimes the danger is imminent or ongoing leaving the autonomic nervous system heightened.

It begs the question what type of threat does the brain remain vigilant for? We commonly think about danger to physical well-being but routinely miss distress when it comes to matters of emotional well being. Developmental science has firmly established how human beings are creatures of attachment – it is one of our greatest hungers and needs. The experience of being separated from who and what we are attached to is the most provocative and impactful of all human experiences (1). According to Gordon Neufeld, it is separation alarm that is most often at the root of anxiety and has the capacity to stir a child up and hijack their attention systems.

One can only understand separation alarm to the degree they understand attachment. There are many ways we attach to people and things – through the senses (touch, taste, smell, see, hear), being the same as someone, feeling a sense of belonging or loyalty, wanting to be significant, being in love, or sharing one’s secrets. Separation is what comes when there is a threat to being with, like, belonging, significant, loved, or known by another. The separation can be real or imaginary, and is impacted by development. It is difficult to talk a three year old out of being afraid of the monsters that live under their bed or the teen who feels everyone is looking at them all the time. At these ages children can experience separation alarm in becoming their own person and maturing.

There are many sources of separation and it is based upon a child’s perception. Some are sad when their teeth fall out or they get upset at bedtime – the biggest separation of the day as they lose consciousness. Typical experiences of separation can include the birth of a sibling, a move, going away to camp or school, parents going to work, transitioning between two homes, or realizing bad things can happen to the people one is attached to. There are many hidden sources of separation including feeling responsible for your parent’s feelings or actions. When a child feels they are too much too handle or they don’t measure up to expectations, they may feel distant from their adults. If a child becomes peer oriented they will experience a sense of separation from their parents. When a child doesn’t feel their parent’s can keep them safe or prevent bad things from happening to them, their feelings of alarm can emerge in a strong way.

Parents need to make sense of a child’s alarm by considering where a child is at developmentally, what separation they are experiencing, and through their relationship with them. Efforts to talk a child into wellness will be short lived at best as alarm stems from activation in the emotional regions of the brain. It is not logic that holds the keys for unraveling an alarm problem but in understanding how the emotional system works.

Why is Fear Important?

Fear is the oldest human emotion and is meant to ebb and flow as things in our environment activate it. It is meant to move humans to caution when necessary and gives rise to conscientious, concerned, and careful behavior. Parents routinely use discipline techniques aimed at alarming a child such as yelling, threats, or punishment; which rely on scaring them into compliance. The overuse of fear based discipline techniques can contribute to or be a source of anxiety in a child. The alarm system works best when not overly provoked or used.

Sometimes there are things that scare a child or teen that cannot be changed – a pet dies, friends move away, or parents get divorced. Sometimes it is tears that are the answer to alarm and bring with it resiliency to handle the adversities that are part of life. Alternatively, sometimes what is required in the face of alarm is courage. It is the mixing of feelings of fear and desire that give rise to courage and push one towards action. While a child may be afraid to write a test, it is their desire for a good mark that gives them courage to try. While a teen may be afraid to be part of the school play, it is their desire to have this experience that propels them forward. Fear is not a problem to get rid of; rather, it is a way of moving us forward to caution, to tears, or to courage. It is a lack of fear that poses a bigger problem in children or teens as this emotion can no longer do the work it is supposed to by keeping them safe.

Why Does Fear Take Over and Create Anxiety?

While fear is a key emotion that needs to be felt in a vulnerable way, sometimes it can’t be. Sometimes the thing that alarms a child is too big to name, too overwhelming to think about or to discuss, and their brain starts to numb out these feelings so as to provide a defense against them. In other words, when life is too scary, the brain is designed to release chemicals to numb out the sensation of fear. When a child is anxious it doesn’t mean the emotional system isn’t working properly but that it may be working exactly as it should be. For example, in the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling, the children refuse to refer to the evil ‘Voldemort’ by name. They refer to him as “the one that cannot be named” as his real name creates too much vulnerability as it brings him to consciousness along with thoughts of death and destruction. As the children refer to him in a vague way, they are shielded from the worst of the emotional distress and continue with everyday functioning despite their heightened alarm level.

Anxiety is created when a child’s emotional system defends against seeing the things that would make them feel too afraid. If they don’t see it or feel it – they are safer. In short, anxiety could best be seen as being alarmed without eyes because seeing would make it hurt too much. The defenses provide a veil to shield against the alarm child but as a result, a child can no longer find their courage or cry in response to the threat because it has disappeared from plain view. This is why our children tell us they feel afraid but don’t know why.

What Are Some Strategies to Reduce Anxiety?

The strategies to reduce anxiety have little to do with reason, talking a child out of their fears, or telling them to calm down. They are focused at the root of the issue -– separation alarm — and put a parent back in the driver’s seat in bringing a child to rest.

Reduce Separation

Anxiety can be heightened when a child has to separate from a parent – going to school, daycare, or to sleep. A parent can reduce physical separation with a child by keeping them closer at these times. They can check in on a child at lunchtime or drop off a lunch, reduce the amount of time spent in daycare, or send notes with them as they head off for their day. At night, a sense of contact and closeness can be provided by staying with the child until they fall asleep, checking in on them repeatedly, or sleeping near them. A further way to reduce physical separation is to temporarily stop all non-essential attachment activities such as playdates or structured activities, although sports and movement are a great way to reduce alarm.

Adults can also reduce emotional separation by refraining from all discipline techniques that isolate or exclude a child from the people or things they are attached to. A parent will need to lead through disciplinary issues by ensuring the relationship stays intact while they also take responsibility for the problems that arise. Furthermore, if a child has people in their life that present separation by either rejection or not being liked, a parent is wise to reduce contact where necessary and shield from further wounding interactions. When a child is anxious, a parent needs to communicate at every turn when the next point of connection will be, who will take care of the child, and lead the child with confidence. If separation is the problem, then relationships with caring adults will be the cure.

Provide for a Sense of Rest and Safety

Adults can provide a sense of safety and rest to a child who is full of anxiety by strengthening their relationship. The expression of delight, enjoyment, and warmth by an adult will help a child feel nourished. An adult can present oneself as the answer for comfort, helping when they feel lost, and inspiring trust and dependence on them. They can take charge of situations concerning the child such as deciding where they go and what they do as well as take the lead in solving problems for them as appropriate. A child needs to see their parent knows how to take care of them so one should refrain from asking too many questions that could convey otherwise. When a parent repeatedly asks a child what is wrong or what they can do to help, it will do little to inspire confidence in their care taking.

Accept the Alarm

When a child is anxious they may exhibit a number of symptoms that can be alarming and confusing. Adults need to convey they are not alarmed by the appearance of these symptoms and to avoid battling their appearance. Rather than trying to talk a child out of their fears or claiming they are irrational, a parent can take a strong lead and convey they know how to take care of the child and the circumstances around them. If a child can’t sleep a parent can tell them it isn’t their job to worry about it. If a child is worried about what will happen the following day, the parent can tell them they will lead them through it. A parent can normalize a child’s distress with comforting words such as, “what child isn’t afraid of monsters at night?”

If a parent makes room for the anxiety and anticipates it, then the alarm will be better managed and diminished. For example, if a child is afraid to go out of the house, the parent can convey they want to hold their hand and stay close to them. When a parent is not alarmed in the face of their child’s anxiety, it will serve to reduce or at least manage the alarm symptoms better. Too many anxious children are made to feel responsible for their symptoms instead of being reassured by adults that it is natural to feel uneasy or scared.

Find Acceptable Substitutes for the Alarm

Parents need to try and reduce things in a child’s life that create too much separation alarm as well as introduce substitutes to help deal with it. Exercise helps to release the alarm chemicals stirred up in the body as well as activate the parasympathetic nervous system associated with rest. Rocking, watching flames flicker or fish swim in tanks can also be soothing because of the repetitive motion involved. Human touch and massaging a child can also activate chemical pain relievers in the body through oxytocin and opiate receptors. Chewing gum can also relieve anxiety or walking outside and spending time with pets. One of the best ways to release a child’s emotions is through play so they should be afforded lots of opportunity to do so on their own or with parents.

Help them Find their Tears

Tears provide a wonderful release to alarm and parents shouldn’t be afraid to let their child cry when needed. Small things may turn into big upsets and but it is likely the alarm feelings have found a doorway through which they can be released. It is less vulnerable and easier to cry about the small disappointments in life than having to name the big things that hurt too much.

Sometimes children are too overwhelmed by their alarm and frustration is likely to be expressed instead of tears. If a parent can provide some room for frustration to be released safely, they are likely to get to the more tender ones underneath. It takes patience and time to melt a child’s frustration into tears but when you do, a child will find some rest from the alarm, temporarily or more permanently. Sometimes a parent will need to help a child find their words for the things that frustrate them in order to help them get to their tears.

Cultivate Courage

When a child is capable of mixed feelings and thoughts, typically at the age of 5 to 7 or later for more sensitive children, they will be able to use courage to deal with their alarm. A parent can help by leading the child to consider the desires they have to face situations that are alarming such as reading in front of their class or going to school each day. When a parent helps a child find their anticipation and apprehension at the same time, they will have fostered courage as a powerful antidote to their fears. A child needs to be given room to be apprehensive and not told to think positively or talked out of being afraid.

An anxious child is an alarmed one. They should never be made to feel responsible for keeping themselves safe nor to battle alarm on their own. Parents are the best pain relievers around and it starts with giving them a generous invitation for contact and closeness.

References

(1) The information in this article is from Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s, Making Sense of Anxiety Course, offered online through the Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, www.neufeldinstitute.org. For more information, you can also view Gordon Neufeld’s talk on anxiety at Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education, Making Sense of Anxiety Talk

This article first appeared in Nurture: Australia’s Natural Parenting Magazine, Autumn, 2016.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and a counsellor in private practice. She specializes in child and adolescent development, working with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals to make sense of kids through developmental science. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.

Why Your Teen Reminds You of a Preschooler

Sometimes parents lament to me in a humour filled way, that they see similarities between raising teens and toddler/preschoolers. What is it that makes them feel similar? What do they need from us as we steer them through these developmental periods? There are three key developmental dynamics that are inherent to both tots and teens, despite their differences in maturity levels and performance. The more we can make sense of what drives their behaviour, the more we can help them on their journey towards becoming independent beings.

1.Separation Alarming Stemming from Increased Independence

Both young children and teenagers can be stirred up and alarmed as a result of their growth towards personhood and increasing separation from caretakers. For the preschooler their declarations of “I do it myself” thrust them towards independence and being able to figure things out for themselves. While this growth is healthy, it serves to create distance or separation from the adults who care for them because they need us less. The antidote to separation alarm in the young child is to foster a deeper relationship with them so they can better hold onto us when apart. The deeper the attachment roots, the farther a young child can stretch towards their potential, losing themselves to play, to their interests, and discovering the world around them (1).

Healthy development in teens can also bring increased separation alarm stemming from their growth towards separate functioning. Teenage years should bring greater self-sufficiency, the need to make decisions about their future, and taking the steering wheel in their own life. A teen once told me, “I don’t want to grow up and be an adult. I feel all this responsibility to make decisions and to get things right. When I look at my parents they don’t seem very happy and all they do is work.” The teen’s reflection on adulthood was imbued with sadness and separation alarm as she moved towards assuming greater accountability for her own life.

2. Resistance, Opposition, and the Counterwill Instinct

Parents often lament how their young child seems to instantly slow down when they are told to hurry or how they become resistant to parental directions like brushing their teeth, wearing clothes, or fastening their seatbelt in a car. It is as if young children have opposite buttons that become activated at whim, sending their parents into action pressuring them to comply with commands. The instinct to defy parental orders is often the result of having activated the counterwill instinct in young kids – the automatic response to resist coercion and control by others (2). The reason young children are allergic to coercion is that this instinct paves the way for them to develop their own meanings and intentions. The first step in having your own mind and becoming your own person is countering the will of others. Their resistance isn’t personal but often developmental. They won’t ever outgrow this instinct to resist – only the need to operate out it once a solid sense of self is formed. When a young child starts to use “I” language, the counterwill instinct is on it’s way in paving the way for their growth as separate individuals (3).

When it comes to the teenage years there is also a healthy resurgence of resistance and opposition stemming from the counterwill instinct. In ideal development, the instinct to counter another person’s opinions and ideas is meant to pave the way for the teen to claim their own meanings and preferences in the midst of so many people and competing viewpoints. Teens often go through a period where they are allergic to the agendas of others and will fight against them. It is not uncommon for the teen to resist the directions of their adults, in fact, it is often best to try and communicate parental values as much as possible before the age 13 so as to avoid uphill battles afterwards. As Mark Twain once wrote, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” There can be additional reasons why a teen is resistant and full of opposition and not all of them are due to healthy developmental, such as peer orientation where their closest attachments have become their friends. Underlying healthy resistance in both tots and teens can be summed up in Louise Kaplan’s statement, “The toddler must say no in order to find out who she is. The adolescent says no to assert who she is not.”

3. The Need for Play or Creative Solitude

Preschoolers need time to play as it forwards their development as separate individuals by fostering emotional expression, allowing creativity to surface, as well as helping them discover their particular interests. Play should be a space free of consequences that accompany the ‘real world’ so that a child is able to experiment unencumbered by expectations of others. Play is an act of self creation and adults need to foster the freedoms necessary to allow a child to play such as freedom from hunger, screens, peers, too much instruction and structured activities, as well as having to work at getting their attachment needs met. Play for the young child is meant to be an act of self creation.

Teens also need to play but it often takes on a different form due to the difference in maturity level. Ideally, creative solitude starts to appear where a teen is able of fill their time with their own personal endeavours such as music, drawing, running, writing, or some other form of expression and exploration. Creative solitude can look different for every child but the purpose is to help them discover who they are through the process of reflecting inward and outward on the world. I remember watching my 11 year old hold her hands out in the rain after a long dry sunny stretch and tell me, “Mom, I forgot what the rain felt like, it’s so wonderful.” Teens need time and space unencumbered by other people’s expectations and demands. Teens need the same freedom as young children do in order to foster creative solitude including the freedom from screen time, peers, too much instruction and activities. When a teen’s primary focus is on what other people are doing, there is little space and time left to reflect on who one is in relation to the world – the hallmark of maturity.

What Tots and Teens Need From Their Caretakers

As adults we can celebrate our child’s evolution as a separate being but for them it will involve some sadness and alarm as their identity shifts towards greater independence and away from the security of good caretaking. There are a number of things we can do to help make this journey better for them.What is true for all children despite differences in age, is that the deeper their relational roots with caring adults, the greater their capacity to grow as socially and emotionally responsible people.

Collect their attachment instincts – Both tots and teens still need adult relationships and although this may be expressed differently at each age, the need is still there. Our children need to see there is a desire to be close to them, warmth as we listen and give them our undivided attention, and tangible signs that we are holding onto to them. We need to find our way to their side and continue to cultivate our relationship with them, from shared hobbies to activities like eating dinner or playing together. There is no right way to communicate to a child we care, it is about letting our relationship evolve so that we are still the refuge they seek and are positioned to help them with feelings that arise as a result of healthy growth.
Structure and Routine to Counter Resistance and Opposition – The counterwill instinct to resist and counter directions is strong in both tots and teens as a result of being in the midst of critical periods of identity development. Focusing on more implicit ways to direct them is less likely to provoke strong resistance and opposition, for example, instead of saying – “you need to brush your teeth,” a parent could ask, “what story do you want to read once you are done getting ready for bed?” This naturally implies that teeth brushing is part of the routine. For a teen, the regular structure and routine around homework or chores is often a better strategy than telling them each night to do their work. Structure and routine are more subtle forms of control that can be decided on by parents in advance and are less likely to provoke strong counterwill reactions when they become habits.
Carve out space and time to play – One of the most important roles a parent has is to create a healthy environment for a child to grow in. For parents this means buffering against societal expectations, cultural pressures, and their own child’s desires as they foster time and space for them to play or engage in creative projects. Controlling the amount of screen time a child or teen has, the number of playdates or sleepovers they go on, and ensuring they have time to be bored and to play or engage in creative projects is critical. While we can’t make our kids play, we can try to lead them there by making sure nothing competes with their attention and giving them the materials they are naturally drawn to. Whether it means getting out the lego pieces to help them create their structures, having paper on hand so they can fill it with pictures or stories, or getting them out into nature and away from competing stimulation – we need to lead our children to the places where they can express and reflect on who they are.

What is remarkable about both tots and teens is how they are developmentally being thrust forward to evolve as separate beings. For the toddler a sense of self is just beginning, while for the teen, they should be moving to assume a critical role in their own unfolding as a separate self. Despite the age difference between them, the goals in parenting them are still the same: to support them and be patient with their immaturity, offer warmth, and be generous in our caretaking. While their bodies and psychologies are getting more robust, they still need what they have always needed from us. As I watch my two children move into their teenage years I feel as Jodi Picoult once wrote, “I would have given anything to keep her little. They outgrow us so much faster than we outgrow them.”

Deborah is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Notes

(1) Gordon Neufeld, Neufeld Intensive I: Making Sense of Kids, course (Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, 2013), http://neufeldinstitute.org/course/neufeld-intensive-i-making-sense-of-kids/.

(2) E.J. Lieberman, Acts of Will: The Life and Work of Otto Rank (Amherst: University of Massachusetts Press, 1993); E.J. Lieberman, “Rankian will,” American Journal of Psychoanalysis 72 (2012).

(3) D.W. Winnicott and Claire Winnicott, Talking to Parents (Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1993).

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Why Your Teen Reminds You of a Preschooler

Dr. Deborah MacNamara

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