Growing Pains: Five Things Teens Need From Parents

If someone asked you what period in human life is likely to be the loneliest, what would you say? Fortunately there are loneliness researchers who care about this common experience and have answers for us. You might think this topic is frivolous but the link between social isolation and emotional and physical vulnerability is a serious issue. According to researchers, loneliness should be viewed the same way as physical pain but on a social level.

When it comes to being lonely you might have guessed seniors and you would have been right. Forty percent of seniors say they feel lonely sometimes which is correlated with increased cardiovascular, blood pressure problems, dementia, and other mental health issues. But surprisingly, seniors were not the loneliest group of people – teenagers were. Eighty percent of teens said they felt lonely sometimes. What is this about and how do we start to make sense of this?

Adolescence can be a time of turmoil given that one’s identity should be changing (think of it like a house that is undergoing renovation).When you are in the midst of transformation you no longer have the comforting sureness of knowing yourself as well as you once did. The teens relationships with others and oneself is changing and they can second guess others as well as their own actions. They see possibilities where things used to be certain and they can feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities that come with getting older.

While parents hold onto the idea maturity that is around the corner, the process of getting there with a teen can feel messy, emotional, and unpredictable at times. One minute a teen can seem agreeable but they can easily switch to being disagreeable to parental suggestions. Loneliness seems to come out of the blue despite the number of friends a teen has or the amount of social interaction in their life. But why so much loneliness – where does this come from?

There is a natural distancing from adults that is both welcome and daunting in the teen years. In one breath the teen acts like a child and longs to be cared for by a parent, only in the next moment to crave their independence and freedom. The dilemma for the teen is they are neither child nor adult – they are in the ‘in between place’. They are somewhere on the bridge crossing the divide between childhood into adulthood. I feel for them, I remember being there, it often felt agonizing. The anthem for teenage years should be – “Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same” (compliments of the band Keane), but of course the irony is that it is actually the teen that is changing the most of all.

HELPING TEENS TRANSITION INTO ADULTHOOD

How can we help our teens transition into adulthood? What do they need from the adults in their life as they take the steering wheel in their own life? What role do we play in helping them give birth to their adult selves? Given that many teens wouldn’t know how to articulate what they need due to overwhelm or that sometimes they are trying to ‘do it themself,’ I have included 5 things here that I think they would really like the adults in their life to understand about them.

Provide room for self-reflection

For the teen to (re)discover who they are, they will need room to reflect. Teens need muses to help them along this path – from music, to art, writing, dance, or nature – and the freedom to explore these things without feeling the need to produce something. Giving birth to a new identity is an active process that requires movement and expression and must be free from the pressure to perform. This means they need to have space preserved away from distractions like screens, peers, siblings, work, and school. They need room for the voids in their life to emerge and to be filled with a sense of who they are. And it is in this vacuum – where things are not filled up, nor overflowing with things to do or learn – that teens can discover who they are.

The role of adults in their life is to hold back the tide of distraction that threatens to drown out a teens emerging voice. It is the role of the adults not to push for performance nor fill up their lives with activities. Yes, teens will still have work to do at school or at a chosen activity, but there is a corresponding need to give them room for play and creative solitude without adult pressure and expectations.

Draw them out and affirm who they are

Adolescent development brings with it changes in the brain and an increased level of awareness. Teens can become more self-conscious and wonder if their new thoughts and feelings are okay. They also have an explosion of ideas and need to test out their theories and how they are making sense of the world. Drawing them out and listening is one of the best gifts you have to give them. Showing an interest in their ideas doesn’t mean you agree with them. Trying to understand their point of view doesn’t mean you have to change your own. Taking a genuine interest in your teen and being curious about how they are making sense of the world will help the teen put the pieces together better in their own head.

Teens don’t often like to be pressured to answer questions. They are more likely to be drawn out by just being together in natural ways like walking the dog, going for a drive to do errands, or after school chats over a snack. When teens feel pressured to talk or to share they often close up. Parents who draw their teens out do so by making it safe to talk but not demanding it. They also create a space where a teen feels validated for having their own views without judgment nor fear of reprisal.
Create space to experience disillusionment naturally

Teens are some of the most idealistic people around. They are keen observers of the distance between rules and how adults they fail to live up to them. They also set idealistic goals for themself and are blind to the challenges that may lie in their path. It’s hard to argue with a teen who thinks they are right and who has the moral high ground.

Everyday life has many wonderful lessons in store for the teen and it is important to allow them to learn these naturally. They need to be able to make mistakes and experience the disillusionment on their own – like realizing you really can’t leave all of your homework to the last minute! They may tell you something is going to be easy for them (e.g., finding a job), only to discover that it can be hard. They may think someone will allow them to do whatever they want only to find out that the rules state otherwise. Teenage years are a time to allow a child to bump into the everyday realities we live with as adults and to support them through the disappointment and frustration that may come with this

Normalize sadness

From a teens changing identity to the changing relationships with others, there are many normal losses that come with growing up. While there is freedom on one side, there is also the responsibility that feels heavy and cumbersome. Teen years bring with it a roller coaster of emotions. When adults normalize these feelings of loss they can help reassure a teen that this is to be expected, that they aren’t broken or messed up, and that they need to face their feelings with courage and to express them however they can. Teens often believe that they are the only person their age who feels sad or worried about their future and the changes happening. Understanding that this is what comes with the rite of passage into adulthood helps bring some ease and reassurance, as well as confidence to face things head on. A teen’s emotions often feel up and down but if a parent notices that sadness isn’t moving through a child and depression is starting to weigh them down, then it may be time to speak to health professionals for help.

Be generous with patience and caretaking

For some parents, the teenage years can be a time of sadness too as they watch their child strive towards independence and in needing them less. For others, it is a time of celebrating the maturity they see or conversely, worrying if their teen will ever grow up and be less self-absorbed. There are many feelings both for the teen and the parent. What is clear is that teens need parents to be patient and to just keep taking care of them. We don’t need to retire ourselves too prematurely, nor should we cling to them out of our own emotional needs. The good news is that a teen still need parents to lean on, we just need to try and keep a sense of humour as they switch from acting mature to being immature in a matter of minutes. I still laugh remembering my teenage niece argue with her mother that the signs on the side of the road that said to “beware of the bears” were a complete sham and that there were no bears in the area. My sister realized arguing with her was pointless, so she just let her talk and vent her feelings and thoughts. A couple of hours later a bear wandered by their cabin – a perfect message to the mother to hold on and to laugh at the absurd ways of the teen.

What teens can’t say and parents need to know is that our job is not done yet – but we do need to think about how we go about caring for them a little differently. We need to find ways to be less direct, to listen more, validate feelings and thoughts where we can, give them room to discover who they are, and keep our relationship strong. Finding ways to be close to a teen without being pushy is imperative as is talking to them without being full of commands. Relationships are for life and when our teens change, we need to change too, and to find new ways to hold onto what is most important to us.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 7 languages.

Super Shy! The Protective Power of Shyness

*This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Summer 2018

Shyness isn’t a problem, but we sure treat it as one. Shy kids can be called rude and antisocial especially when their reaction to people getting too close can mean hiding behind legs, sticking out their tongues, making strange faces, or even refusing to speak when spoken to. Since we typically tend to place high value on qualities like independence and social sophistication, the actions attached to shyness, especially in children, remain terribly misunderstood. Shyness isn’t a problem to be fixed, rather it is the part of healthy development meant to ensure our children trust the right people.

Shyness is an instinct that moves a child to resist getting close to people who are outside of their relational village. Children are not supposed to follow just anyone and need to be led by those who are responsible for them. Shyness closes the door to attachments that compete with a parent for their child’s attention and guidance, and it keeps a child at home where they are safe and will be cared for.

Shyness instincts emerge between 5 and 6 months when they start to display stranger protest and separation anxiety. Before this age they can happily pass from one person to the next until their brain develops the capacity to lock onto the primary attachment who best meets their needs. When a child’s brain decides on a primary attachment, often they will automatically start to resist contact and closeness with others. The only people a child will usually accept at this point are familiar ones to whom their primary attachment has introduced them to.

WHY SHY?

You might wonder why nature created shyness instincts in the first place. To understand shyness, you have to make sense of how it protects and preserves a child’s greatest need: attachment. Shyness is meant to close the door to relationship with some people, so that it can bring the people you are attached to into better view. Shyness sets up exclusivity in a relationship, allowing it to become deeper and more personalized.

When a young child is shy with other children, parents may worry that their child isn’t making friends or fitting in socially. Young children don’t really need attachments with peers in order to grow; they need deep connections with adults. The pressure for early peer socialization is not in keeping with developmental science, which tells us that children need to first know who they are before they can be a good friend to others.

The focus for young children should be on knowing their own dreams, desires, needs, and preferences before they are made to focus on other people. Shyness with other children in the early years keeps the focus on their development and cuts out competing stories that would prevent them from forming their own.

Labels of shyness usually come from adults who don’t know a child and who are held at a distance by them. My children’s teachers would often remark at how quiet my children were only to be shocked to learn they were loud and boisterous at home. What we fail to realize is that children should be wary of sharing themselves with just anyone – shyness ensures they can trust the people they open up to.

Shyness isn’t a mistake. It’s nature’s way of ensuring that the adults who are responsible for a child have the most influence on them. The biggest mistake we make is trying to talk a shy child out of their instincts – making them feel uncomfortable with who they are. This is a dangerous message that can serve to override the natural instincts that are meant to guide them, keep them safe, and allow them to operate with integrity. The real problem is our own impatience with and misunderstanding of shyness.

WELL THAT DIDN’T GO WELL…
There are many unhelpful responses to shyness – notably ones thatnsuggest there is a problem with a child.

Some people will crash into a shy child with forceful interactions, making statements like: “Look at me when I’m talking” or “What is the matter with you that you can’t say hi?” When we force a child to engage and don’t honour their shyness instincts, it can lead to pushback or alarm in the child.

With my own kids out in public, it was inevitable that a friendly person would say hi to them. Their responses ranged from yelling, “Go away!” to hiding behind my knees, or my eldest would move in front of her sister to protect her. I often wanted to tell people that while I understood their intentions were friendly, kids are not programmed to warm up to strangers for very good reasons. When strangers push a young child’s boundaries, threatening their sense of self, it makes them more resistant to connecting with new people.

When we don’t understand the function that shyness plays, it can make it hard for other family members who want a relationship with a child. If Grandma or Grandpa hasn’t seen a young child in a while, there can be a strong shy response when they visit. Hurt feelings can ensue with complaints that there are not enough visits happening. The solution is to help them develop relationships rather than disparage their shyness.

The more adversarial or demanding a person becomes for a child to speak up, the more a child will resist talking or sharing their ideas. This is often the case in the classroom when a child feels coerced to speak up but doesn’t have a solid connection with the people they are speaking to. Shy children are often mislabelled as anxious in these contexts when the truth is they lack a relationship that would bring them out of their shell. It is not a child’s job to build a relationship with an adult – it’s up to the adult to invite the child, patiently, into a relationship with them.

A NATURAL TRANSFORMATION

Just as nature built shyness instincts into kids, it also provided a natural resolution to it. While the instinct to shy away from others may never leave, the simultaneous push towards wanting to relate to others helps to counteract it.

The more a child becomes their own person, the more they form their own ideas and desires, many of which include interacting with others. If they love playing soccer and want to join a team, natural shyness instincts will take a backseat. The more a child loves to act and sing, the more their shyness instincts will be overrun by the desire to be seen and heard on the stage. There are many young children who, despite the instinct to shy away from others, will proclaim that they are ready for school and bravely climb on the bus for that unforgettable first time.

Healthy development is the answer to dealing with shyness instincts. As a child’s dependency on their adults decreases, their willingness to seek the guidance and company of other people increases. The more mature they get, the more they can disagree with their shyness instincts as well. While one part of the child might be inclined to avoid contact, another part longs to reach out and share experiences with others around them. We don’t have to force a child out of their shell – nature has a plan to help them emerge naturally.

CONNECTING WITH SHY KIDS

When you understand the purpose of shyness instincts, you are less likely to make matters worse and can use these strategies instead.

Be a matchmaker

The key to matchmaking is to use current attachments to form new ones. New people need to get an introduction to a shy child through someone they know and trust. When we share our childcare responsibilities with others, we cannot leave it up to chance that a relationship between the child and the caretaker will form.

We can foster relationships between a child and an adult by focusing on something they have in common and by having the child see that we like the person we are connecting them to. When the child notices that the caretaker is endorsed by their trusted adult, their shyness instincts won’t be as necessary and they will be better able to follow and connect with their new person.

Develop transition rituals

When shyness instincts are present, rituals and routines can help a child feel comfortable and settle more easily into someone’s care. When we take time to say hello to their caretaker, allow some time to adjust before leaving, and then head out in a predictable manner, it can help a shy child feel more at ease with their teacher or babysitter, knowing how the day will progress.

A daycare director I work with was delighted at the new pick-up and drop-off area she had renovated in her centre. One staff member was always assigned to greet kids and help with the task of putting their things away, saying hello and goodbye to their parents, and leading the child to their classrooms. Having a special space to orchestrate this transition and a ritual around it was transformational. The staff, parents, and kids all found their rhythm in entering and leaving the centre.

Build bridges and normalize shyness

If a child is reluctant to talk to you then wait some time, chat casually with their parent, and convey that you understand that it just doesn’t feel right to say hello yet.

When I went for a meeting at a colleague’s house one day, he tried to say hello to my young child and engaged her eyes to get a smile. When he was met with a “stay away from me” face, he gently said, “She has lovely shyness instincts in her,” and he let her be. As my daughter saw me engage with my colleague, who wisely bridged the distance by showing acceptance rather than opposition, she naturally let down her guard and followed suit.

Our children need to feel secure with the adults who are responsible for caring for them – this wasn’t meant to be left to chance or move from person to person, but is part of nature’s design to ensure they don’t follow people to whom they are not attached. If our social expectations were in keeping with what children really need, we wouldn’t see shyness as a failing but would recognize it for the important role it plays in allowing them to develop their values, relationships, and sense of self at their own pace and under their trusted caregivers’ watchful eyes.

The Emotional Roots of Anxiety

Originally printed in the Summer 2018 Edition of EcoParent Magazine – www.ecoparent.ca

The Emotional Roots of Anxiety: Healing Through Connection

From waves of panic to uneasy feelings that rise up from the gut, anxiety is a universal human experience. It comes as no surprise then, that anxiety continues to be one of the most commonly diagnosed mental health issues in children and adults today, with the World Health Organization naming it as one of the leading concerns among children ages 4 to 17 worldwide.

What is anxiety? It is usually accompanied by symptoms such as agitation, incessant worrying, trouble focusing, panic, feeling full of fear, nightmares, and clinging behaviour. My 5-year old daughter once asked, “Mommy, why does it feel like my tummy is making butter?” That churning feeling that comes with anxiety, along with many other physical and emotional symptoms, alerts us to the fact that we are stirred up. Despite reassurance from others that there is nothing to worry about, anxiety can sink its teeth in deep and hold on.

When the mind and body are in turmoil, anxiety will follow wherever you go – from your bed to the dinner table, and to school. The problem is that its symptoms tell us very little about what is at the root of the feelings. Parents often turn to their kids for answers asking, “What is the matter?” When they are met with blank stares, puzzling explanations, or protestations of, “I don’t know!” it can elevate a parent’s anxiety as well.

The problem with anxiety is we cannot make headway unless we can make sense of it at its root level, as asserted by Gordon Neufeld, an internationally respected developmental and attachment-based psychologist. There is an epicentre to anxiety, but we often dance around its symptoms instead of reaching into its core, where the real problem lies.

Perceiving past the symptoms

The key to understanding anxiety is to name the emotion that drives it: alarm. When a threat is detected by the brain’s surveillance system, it responds by releasing a cascade of chemicals that literally changes our physiology and enables us to quickly respond. When separation has opened up, the brain will respond with increased alarm, frustration, and pursuit in order to close the distance.

To do this, we need to first identify the most fundamental need of all humans. The one non-negotiable thing that all children and adults require for healthy emotional growth and well-being is attachment. As an interdependent species, we were designed to hunger for contact and closeness from each other, and it is through attachment that we are able to raise children, to care for each other, and create a civil society.

The purpose of attachment is to ensure that children depend on their adults to guide and protect them and that we, in turn, provide these things. When children lean into you for caretaking, they are willing to follow, listen, attend, orient to, and obey. The deeper a child’s attachment roots, the greater their capacity to reach their potential as a social, separate, and adaptive being.

If relational attachment is the greatest of all human needs, then what is the most impactful and alarming of all experiences? The answer is separation—to find yourself apart from your attachments, which pushes the brain’s alarm system into full tilt as it tries to close the void that has opened up. You can witness a young child’s desperate pursuit to get back into attachment when you tell them it’s time for bed and they begin clamouring for one more drink of water, a snack, a trip to the bathroom, another story, or plead, as one clever boy told his father, “Please come back—the spiders keep throwing me out of bed.” Separation is provocative because attachment is key to our survival.

What sets off alarm bells?

There are many sources of separation that children can experience, from the obvious ones like moving houses, starting school, parents divorcing, or the loss of a loved one. But there are other surprising sources such as healthy growth, which pushes the preschooler to explore and use their imagination, the middle-schooler to try new things, and the teenager to figure out who they are and what they want to do with their life. At every age there are different developmental issues to face, each bringing an element of existential alarm with it. As Gordon Neufeld states, we don’t teach 3-year-olds about monsters which they then become afraid of, it is their fear that creates the monsters in the first place.

Other sources of separation for kids include discipline that uses what a child cares about against them, euphemized as “consequences”, “tough love”, or “time-outs”. These techniques use separation to alarm a child so that they will behave better but they backfire as they render an adult an adversary and, with this, reduce a child’s desire to please or work towards meeting their adult’s expectations. Relationship is the vehicle for getting a child to drive in a different direction, but separation discipline throws this off course and leaves relational insecurity in its wake.

Separation alarm is also created when our children fuse with friends to the exclusion of their adults. Referred to as “peer orientation”, this gives rise to children with alarm problems because their peers are largely immature and impulsive, sometimes hurtful, substitutes. One day your child belongs in the group, the next day they don’t, and the fickle friendships and wounding ways of kids especially hurt those who are more dependent on their same-age friends than their adults. Friends are important, but children weren’t meant to be the answer to each other’s fundamental attachment needs.

Separation alarm can also be attributed to physical separation like the loss of a parent to a new job, travel, injury, sickness, or the introduction of a new partner. Even success can create alarming feelings as the child lives in fear that they could lose the advances they have gained. Sensitive children who feel they are too much for their parents to handle are often full of anxiety because exasperated adults convey they don’t know how to take care of them, leading to insecurity.

Separation alarm has the power to drive temporary anxiety symptoms to more chronic levels that can pervade all areas of life. The fall-out from chronic anxiety may lead to additional behavioural problems such as anger, agitation, feeling overwhelmed, disconnection, and depression, which can be misinterpreted, or overreacted to, by adults. While the symptoms of anxiety and sources of separation for kids become better understood, concurrent research suggests that if separation is the problem, then surely connection will be the cure.

Bridging the void

What if we stopped for a moment and considered whether anxiety was, in fact, exactly what the brain wanted and intended? What if we looked at the emotion of alarm as having a very important job to do by noisily alerting parents that something isn’t right in a child’s world? And what if the brain is actually working well when it is alarmed and the problem is not the alarm, per se, but rather how long and how hard the brain has to work to gain our attention by way of anxiety symptoms, which serve to draw people close to increase connection and close painful separation voids?

There are many things adults can do to increase connection and reduce alarm, but the guiding objective should be to bring a child to emotional rest. This can be facilitated by coming alongside and conveying a desire to be with them, to show care and read their needs, and take the lead in fulfilling them wherever possible. For example, if they are anxious at night-time, being generous with contact and closeness will help them rest better. When a child closes their eyes at night, they are separated from you. Bridging this divide can involve telling them about the plans for the following day, staying with them until they fall asleep, or tying invisible strings around your beds to hold you together; if only in your child’s imagination. Making room for their alarm and letting them know it’s your job to worry about their sleep—not theirs—can go a long way in helping your child see you as in-charge, and able and willing to care for them.

If a child is anxious, it is also important to shield them from further causes of frustration wherever possible—from relationships that don’t work well to avoiding introduction of new sources of separation. When a child is alarmed, it is a time to prune out unnecessary separations and focus on tethering them to the adults in their life. This can be achieved by orienting them to the invisible matrix of adults that will care for them. For example, telling a child, “When I take you to school, your teacher will take over for me. They are in charge, I trust them to care for you, and they know how to reach me if you need me. I will look forward to picking you up, too,” helps to assure them that they are safe and loved, can feel connected to the adult who will take your place in your absence, and that you are never far away for long.

If separation discipline is being used in the home, it is also necessary to move away from time-outs and punitive consequences to more attachment and developmentally-friendly discipline, such as collecting a child before directing. This involves getting into their space in a friendly way, interacting with them in a positive manner, engaging in conversation, or paying attention to what they are focusing on, until you can feel the child warm up, start to listen, and want to follow. Using structure and routine to help them navigate their day also helps them feel safe. Kids who are anxious love ritual because it’s predictable, thus, providing security.

Letting out

Tears are the antithesis to alarm because they serve to drain the system and allow rest by neutralizing the chemicals associated with it. One of the most important ways we can bring our children to emotional rest is to facilitate tears when they are up against things that frustrate them. From the small things to the big upsets in their life, if an adult is willing to come alongside a child and make room for some tears, this can temporarily reduce restlessness, fear, and agitation.

To help a child to their tears, we need to meet them with empathy and warmth. Focus sincerely on what is upsetting them, despite how small or insignificant it may seem to us. Sometimes a parent may become upset by what they hear from a child, but it is best not to show these emotions and to find another adult to debrief with. Every child needs to feel confident that they are not too much for their adult to handle, that their feelings aren’t too big or scary to express, and that there is no situation that they won’t receive support with.

When a child is anxious, what we cannot lose sight of is how separation instigates the alarm behind it and that relationship is the vehicle through which healing occurs. When a child can safely feel their fear in a vulnerable way, they will be on the road to making sense of the emotions associated with alarm. When they can see and name what it is that stirs them up, and can freely express their emotions, they will be brought to emotional rest and find the courage to face the hard things. This process of holding onto and guiding them through alarming feelings and times will help them reaffirm the faith they have in their caregivers to love and take care of them exactly as they are.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and resource centre for families.

Why Kids Don’t Need Attention but an Invitation for Relationship

A parent asked me whether I thought her child just needed more attention from her? Her daughter was anxious, restless, easily frustrated, and prone to resistance. The mother questioned whether a lack of attention was at the root of the issue?

What this mother knew was that she needed to take the lead in finding a way out of the impasse with her daughter. I suggested a different question might be more helping in providing insight. Instead of focusing on the attention she gave her daughter I wondered if she could consider whether her daughter was receptive to a relationship with her and if not, how this could be gained or strengthened?

This caring and responsible mother had no shortage of attention for her daughter – to address when she behaved poorly, to make sure her homework got done, and to get her out of the house each morning. Mom spent a lot of time in battles with her daughter, in dealing with upset siblings, and in trying to find a way to have ‘quality time’ with her. Attention from this mother wasn’t the source of the problem.

Giving kids attention

It turns out that attention is not the place we grow from – it is fleeting and impermanent – a quick fix that diminishes as soon as the focus is no longer on you. What our kids need is something more nourishing that can go the full distance into adulthood. They need an invitation for relationship that dances them to the resting point.

Humans come with an innate drive to seek contact and closeness with others. The late neuroscientist, Jaak Pankseep, called it the ‘seeking instinct’ and said it could be found in all mammal species. The seeking instinct is behind a child’s desire to be close and drives them to hold onto us. Their high need for affiliation isn’t a mistake but part of nature’s plan to keep them close for the purpose of caretaking. The old adage that a child is simply trying to get some attention doesn’t understand this instinctive hunger for connection.

It is natural for a child to demand attention in a myriad of ways from physically clinging to us, emotionally demanding our focus with eruptions, or simply telling us – “I need some Mommy time.” The problem is not with their hunger for connection but rather in how it is fulfilled. Giving a child what they ask for and simply responding to their demands doesn’t help them rest in our care, in fact, in can make them more restless and insatiable. They were not meant to be in charge of commanding our attention but rather taking it for granted.

Debates on the quality vs. quantity of time misses the mark and traps us into conversations about time spent instead of focussing on the invitation given to a child. Relationships cannot be broken down into units of time and seconds. What is missing in these units of measurement is whether we impart a desire to be with a child, a warmth that comes from being together, and a genuine enjoyment that our time is well spent with them.

If our time with a child is based on counting down minutes or moving from one event to the next, then time becomes the unit of measurement instead of the emotions between us. What we need to ask is:

Do we have a desire to understand them, to take their emotional pulse, and to see the world through their eyes?
Do we do more than simply respond to their demands and instead, take the lead in caring for them?
Do we count down the hours we spend with a child or do we consider a deeper question as to whether our child is counting on us?

The invitation for relationship

We cannot release our children from their hunger for relationship by simply responding to their calls for our attention. We need to seize the lead in providing for them, to give more than is being pursued, and to take responsibility for fulfilling their hunger for connection. If they have to work to get our attention, then they cannot rest in it and can become enslaved to the performance required to get it.

When this mother started to understand that giving her daughter attention wasn’t the answer, she found her way to offering her an invitation for something much deeper. She gave her a generous invitation to rest in her care and to be released from the greatest hunger the human heart has. It was an invitation for relationship that her daughter didn’t have to work for, nor be good enough in order to keep. It was an invitation to be heard, to be seen in a vulnerable light, to matter, to be held onto, and to share secrets.

Limits, restrictions, and saying no to her daughter’s requests were also included in this mother’s invitation for relationship. The mother’s generosity went to her daughter’s emotions – for her frustration, resistance, and upset without fixing or changing it. While guidelines for behaviour and treating others were conveyed, there was also room for her daughter to have her feelings about what did not go her way. As her mother became better able to invite her daughter’s upset without getting triggered, as she was more calm in the face of her daughter’s resistance, and conveyed that no behaviour nor emotion could tear the relationship apart – her daughter felt a deeper sense of what it meant to be held onto.

Children don’t just need our attention although this may be part of what we do to convey an invitation for relationship to them. What they need to feel is an invitation to be close even when they have fallen short of our expectations. What they need to see is that our desire to be with them endures, is generous, unwavering, unconditional, personalized, exclusive, and protected from competing attachments.

What do we give our attention to?

Growth in a child is fuelled from a place of rest, that is, when they can take for granted that they don’t have to work at getting an invitation for a relationship with us. We cannot meet their needs if we simply respond to their demands. When you have to work for love, you cannot rest in it as Gordon Neufeld states.

We need to extend a deeper invitation for relationship that stems from that place inside of us that yearns to be the answer to a child’s needs. It means we will need to stretch to be more gracious and forgiving in light of all the things they do not do. It means we will need to be generous in inviting their emotions when we thwart their agendas and take the lead in caring for them. It means that we will need to convey to them that this relationship is for life and is the foundation upon which they can rest.

When we work at giving our kids relational rest then nature will push them to play and grow. They will be free from the deepest hunger that lives inside each of us and one that can only be answered by resting in someone’s invitation for care taking. Love was meant to be a gift that is freely given by people who care for us and this is something that is worth paying attention to.

True Play: Why Kids Need Play Sanctuaries for Their Emotions

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Spring 2018. View the original article here –

Part 1: play sanctuaries Part 2: play sanctuaries

Play is not urgent. It will not wake a child up in the middle of the night like a bad dream or a bladder in need of release. Play isn’t something that hijacks a child’s attention like an empty stomach in need of food or an injury in need of first aid. While the instinct to play is inherent to all mammal species, it isn’t bossy nor does it demand the space it requires.

Play is often pushed to the side when other things take over, such as structured activities, shopping, or screen time. Play is often seen as frivolous, something that happens when more important things like math or reading are finished. While we readily accept that getting ‘lost in play’ should be part of childhood, it is often treated as a luxury and undervalued.

However, play is critical to a child’s overall development; it is like oxygen. Play gives children the space to master life skills. It also fosters brain integration and creates a networked system that will be used in problem solving and creativity. When a child is at play, they are leaping ahead developmentally and forming a sense of identity and self-agency. Play serves a purpose, but we fail to recognize nature’s intention in hard wiring the play instinct into us.

True Play

It would be a mistake to assume that all play is created equal. Based on the relational and developmental approach of psychologist Gordon Neufeld, true play does not involve work or a focus on outcomes, such as task mastery or learning. True play is also not for real: there are no consequences that come with their actions, like pretending to burn their food, get married, or crash race cars. True play allows a child to project what is within on the things that surround them; for example, animal figures may come alive with frustration while pretend babies feign helplessness.

True play also requires a sense of safety, the type where one is not subject to being emotionally wounded by others. Play is engaging and holds one’s attention, unless other pressing matters jump into view. Finally, in play there is a sense of freedom that one is not bounded by the limitations inherent to the human form, because anything is possible in our imagination.

There are many things that masquerade as play but do not meet the criteria for true play, such as video games or structured activities. Video games are built on someone else’s story line or algorithms, while structured activities like soccer or swimming have specific outcomes. The type of play children need is not based on putting things into them, but drawing out what already exists inside. In play, the goal is not to push a form onto a child but rather to free their spirit to explore, discover, and to express itself.

Play Serves Emotion

One of the most important functions play serves is in the development of a child’s emotional system and preserving psychological well- being. According to neuroscientists, emotional development is as sophisticated as cognitive development, but it needs a playground to grow and evolve in.

Children are born with immature systems and cannot differentiate among their emotions. This is why young kids are known forspontaneously spewing out intense emotion and being surprised by their own outbursts. They often lack words to explain or make sense of what has stirred them up. Sophistication in managing one’s emotions relies on being able to express emotion, translate emotion into a ‘feeling word’, feel vulnerably, and on having sufficient brain development so as to temper one’s reactions and reflect on them.

The challenge is that this type of growth occurs best when the emotional system doesn’t have to work at solving problems for a child in real life – like getting someone close to you, or when you are scared and frustrated and need help. Brain integration is most formidable when the child is not preoccupied with survival needs, like attachment and safety. The beautiful thing about true play is that it provides the brain with the rest it needs to forward development. True play is not work, not real, and is expressive, which allows it to act as a shield for emotional expression. Play is rest, and this permits growth.

Play affords a child the room to safely examine an emotion and to experiment with words and actions to go with it. For example, as a child expresses frustration in play they come to know it better in themself, and when they care for their ‘babies’, they unlock the caring instincts that will fuel their own parenting one day. As Gordon Neufeld states, curiosity is ‘attention at play’ and children will naturally seek to have a relationship with the emotional currents that move within them.

Play Allows For Emotional Expression Without Repercussion

In his book Playing and Reality, the paediatrician Donald Winnicott wrote that whatever exists needs to be expressed. Emotion is like this: it constantly seeks expression. Emotions are the workhorses of the motivational system; they are not themselves problems, but they are trying to solve them. For example, if a child is scared, the emotional system will jump into gear and launch a child to cling to someone for safety or to retreat in fear. When a child is feeling pushed or coerced, the emotion of resistance will jump to the surface to thwart being overrun by someone else’s agenda.

The beauty of true play is that it allows a child to express emotion without being judged. There should be room to express all emotions in play – from frustration to resistance – and a child should be able to ‘get behaviour wrong’ because it doesn’t count. Hitting someone in reality will bring consequences, but experiencing the desire to hit or rather to free eir hurt something imaginary or lifeless in play should not. Being scared in play doesn’t require that one hide for safety. Being sad in play doesn’t activate real tears because the loss is pretend. ‘Better out than in’ is the modus operandi of the emotional system, and it doesn’t mind at all that it comes out in play. In fact, the more it comes out in play, the less emotion needs to come out everywhere else.

The actions and emotions present in play are re ective of how a child is stirred up. When frustrated they may build and construct things, change and control how things unfold or evolve. Frustration play can also include destruction too, with crashing and burning to the ground as evidence of not everything going according to plan.

Play can be fuelled with the emotion of alarm and fear with scary creatures and villains emerging. For example, while working with a family where a mother was undergoing cancer treatment, her son was constantly frustrated and alarmed. The father started to create a safe place for his son to play out his emotions. His son loved cats, so the father played ‘lions’ which included growling, snipping and snarling, as well as dealing with the constant fear of being attacked. His son’s emotional system jumped into action, took the bait, and expressed itself all over the place in lion form. It provided much healing, rest, and resiliency for the child, and it never required him to connect the dots to cancer in his family.

One of the beautiful things inherent in play is that it ultimately answers to whatever expression is required in the child at the time. After my children witnessed a theft at a retail store they broke out in alarm-based play at home. Unsavoury characters like “Stick up Steve” and “Break out Bob” started to appear. When Steve and Bob were eventually caught after much crashing, banging, and screaming, they were given a lecture and trapped under the stairs so that they couldn’t hurt anyone else. In an effortless and timely manner, play answered their emotional world and provided release with safety included.

When deprived of true play, emotional expression will be thwarted, leaving a child’s behaviour increasingly restless and more prone to outbursts. The emotional system needs to move. When it comes to a standstill, it is catastrophic for functioning and well-being: pent-up emotion takes on a life of its own, leading to potential explosions of great intensity. One of the best prescriptions for a child’s troubled emotional world is play. It is nature’s true therapy.

In play, the goal is. not to push a form onto a child but rather to free their spirit to explore, discover, and to express itself.

Creating Play Sanctuaries for True Play

The late neuroscientist Jaak Pankseep argued that children need play sanctuaries to serve their emotional systems. Why? Because true play has become increasingly endangered in a work- and outcome-driven society. The idea that rest brings growth or that freedom from work is a requirement for well-being is denigrated for the sake of getting ahead, achievement, and the pursuit of material goods. While we acknowledge the need for play on one hand, we are concerned our kids will get ‘left behind’ if we don’t make them work at academics, participate in structured activities, or perform.

The word sanctuary means a place to protect and preserve something that is sacred. A sanctuary is a haven, oasis, harbour, or shelter, and is meant to provide immunity from external pressures. Just as play doesn’t demand time and space, neither will sanctuaries appear on their own. We need to take an active stance in fostering natural reserves in a child’s life, so that play doesn’t get lost – and emotional maturity and well-being with it.

Play is a spontaneous act and cannot be summoned on command. We need to provide emotional support so that kids can get there and create bounded spaces that provide the freedom to play. Here are two key strategies to do just that:

1/ Focus on relationship

The bias to explore, express, and release oneself to play is activated when a child’s relational needs are met. A child is free to play when they don’t have to worry about whether their hunger for contact and closeness will be lled. When they can take for granted that an adult will provide for them in a generous and consistent way, separation anxiety will not hijack their attention.

Children under the age of three are largely preoccupied with their attachment needs so play is typically done in short bursts with adults and others nearby. When they become more independent and want to venture out on their own, they are more likely to get ‘lost in play’ for increasing periods. By the time a child is 5 years of age, they should ideally be able to play for extended periods – on their own and with others.

To foster play, adults can collect a child’s attention and engage them for the purpose of connection. This could involve feeding them, talking to them, sharing an interest or activity with them, or telling them the plan for the day. When a child is connected, the adult can then move them towards a space created for play, and retreat when the child’s play has taken over. The space could contain anything children are free to express themselves on, from a sheet of paper for colouring, to pots and pans to bang on, to a playground with slides and things to climb on. The best environment is one that allows a child the freedom to explore without being overly prescriptive as to what this should look like, other than ensuring reasonable safety parameters.

2/ Create empty space and embrace boredom

We can set the stage for play by not allowing things that interfere with it to get in the way, such as screens that entertain or provide information, instruction, schooling, and structured activities, and by playing with others where the child is in a passive position. The key is to create a space that is free of work, responsibilities, or performance. When we do this, all that is left is for children to sit in the empty space that we have created.

When we remove all of the things that distract a child and which create noise around them, it allows them to tune into the noise that is within. Sometimes this is uncomfortable and kids might say “I’m bored”, which is really about vulnerably feeling the void that has opened up. When we allow them to sit in the boredom, the play instinct should take the lead and move them to expression.

Instead of seeing boredom as something we need to fix, we need to reframe it as the child’s internal world calling them to play.

For children who are chronically bored and their play instinct doesn’t take over in the spaces we create for them, we can lead them into play through our relationship (while also considering why a child is emotionally flat-lining). For example, while doing yard supervision at a school, I noticed a 6-year old standing on his own. I asked him why he wasn’t playing and he said he was bored. This became a repetitive story I heard each lunch-time as I checked in with him. One day I told him I had some special fall leaves to show him and that all the kids were playing in them. He still wasn’t interested but followed me to have a look. With some playful prompts from me, he followed as I marched through the leaves and copied as I threw them into the air. While he could not initiate play on his own, he could be drawn into play through relationship.

Carl Jung wrote, “The creation of something is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct.” Human development is one of those creations and won’t be achieved by thinking our way into maturity, but rather by playing our way there. We need to create play sanctuaries to protect this invisible force that lies waiting and dormant inside of us. We also need the courage to release our kids and ourselves to play, and to let it carry our hearts when they are hurting the most.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Spring 2018.

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Three Irreducible Needs That All Kids Need to Thrive

Raffi Cavoukian , a children’s singer, songwriter, and child advocate, wrote a song titled – All I really need – which beautifully captures from a child’s perspective their most essential needs. Raffi sings, “All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family.” Every time I listen to this song I hear an unspoken message directed at adults as to what our children really need in order to thrive.

Developmental science is also clear on the three irreducible needs of kids – the need for play, tears, and relationship. These three things are critical ingredients in helping kids grow to become socially and emotionally responsible individuals capable of setting their own goals, adapting to their environment and being resilient in the face or adversity, and feeling empathy for others. This is what maturity should look like but without the right conditions, this growth cannot be assured.

We all know people who look like grown ups but behave like preschoolers. There is a difference between being young at heart and being immature – such as blaming others for one’s problems, having a hard time not getting their way, demanding and commanding others as to how to take care of them, and behaving impulsively. How do we explain this lack of maturity? When there are deficits in a child’s environment in providing for their irreducible needs, then development can be impacted and maturity hampered.

The Irreducible Need for True Play

Play is the birthplace of personhood. It is where a child gets their hands on the steering wheel of their own life and experiments under the direction of their body, heart, and mind. Kids need a place that is free of consequences in order to practice and explore.

Humans come with an innate desire to make sense of things, to pursue goals, and to discover who they are. We cannot force a child to play or do it for them, it is an instinct that drives them to emerge as their own person that can only be unlocked in play. As any three year old will declare while in the process of figuring things out – “I do it myself!”

We don’t have to teach our kids how to play – it is innate. Our job is to create the space for them to play that is contained, safe from emotional wounding, and allows for the freedom of movement and expression. In other words, playgrounds often have gates and fences around them leaving kids free to explore the space that is within.

Some kids are drawn to movement and to use their bodies to jump, climb, dance, or run. Others like to explore and examine, while some like to take items in their world and design something new. Each child has a particular bent for expressing their internal world, it is our job to facilitate the expression of it by creating spaces where this can be unleashed.

What gets in the way of children’s play? One of the main challenges to play is the push towards academics, particularly in the early years. The trend towards early instruction and schooling is alarming and unfounded based on decades of research in developmental science. For example, in my community there are children showing up in kindergarten unable to play, that is, they look at their teacher and say they don’t know how when told it is time to. Upon closer examination, their preschool years have been full of instruction, schooling, and structured activities. Instead of hearing parents sound alarm bells about the loss of play (the teacher did!), there was a sense of pride that a child could read or do math at an early age. Earlier is not better – not according to science. We can train and make kids work and perform at early ages but at what cost to their development? What happens when kids are made to work instead of play?

Play affords a child a safe space for emotional expression and this is critical to well-being and maturity. Kids go through many types of emotions in play, acting out their feelings in the safety of pretend and make believe. When play isn’t ‘for real,’ then the consequences of emotional expression are minimized and offer them the freedom to release whatever is stirring them up. The loss of play has been correlated in research with increasing rates of attention, anxiety, depression, and aggression in kids. Play preserves children emotionally.

The problem is we don’t value play the same way we do work and outcomes. Play is viewed as something kids do in their spare time and even this has become endangered. Children’s time is increasingly filled with screens, structured activities, and instruction. While screens have become easy targets in bemoaning the loss of play, research suggests that one of the biggest losses in kid’s time is due to the increased amount of time they spend shopping – a 168% rise over a 15 year period.

Without play our children cannot grow. There are no shortcuts here, no substitutes, and no pill that can serve as a substitute for what play provides. Parents need to be a gatekeeper to the things that erode time and space for play. Children need to have a song in their heart as Raffi says, because this is the sound of play inside of a child that is seeking expression in the world around them.

The Irreducible Need for Tears

Humans are born with the inherent capacity to be adaptable and resilient. We should be able to thrive despite adversity, to handle not getting our way, survive lack and loss, and be transformed in the process. This is the potential that exists in each of us and it will only be realized when we have a relationship with tears and sadness.

The capacity to feel sad is one of the best indicators of emotional health in a child. When vulnerable feelings can be expressed it indicates that a child’s environment is helping to preserve or protect a child’s heart. Emotions are what drive a child to mature when they care about others and themselves, care about learning, care about their behaviour and how they act, and care enough to face their fears.

Tears signify loss and separation from something we desire or when we are up against the things we cannot change. When it registers in the brain that something is futile – it cannot be or cannot change – then there is an emotional download and sadness is the end result. It is here, in this place where we have to let go of our agenda and feel the upset around it, that we are changed by the emotional shift. When it vulnerably registers that we can’t always get what we want, it will also resonate that we can also handle adversity. Tears are not something to be feared but something to be embraced in the process of learning.

What gets in the way of supporting kid’s from expressing sadness or in crying? Sometimes adults are too impatient, busy, or frustrated which leaves little patience and room for a child’s emotional needs. Sometimes the messages we send kids is that we value happiness and ‘positive feelings’ more and suggest that sadness or upset is not welcome or warranted. Phrases such as, “turn that frown upsidedown,” or “you are not filling someone’s bucket today,” can put the focus on people pleasing instead of emotional integrity. We cannot tell our children to be honest, speak their mind, and tell us their secrets, while at the same time tell them to change or deny what they are feeling because it doesn’t serve them or us.

Many parents tell me that when they were a child they were not raised being able to cry or express sadness when things didn’t work out. They often feel that because they were not supported this way, they are therefore unable to support their own kids too. But the capacity to help someone when they feel sad or upset is not something you need to learn, rather, it is something we already know how to answer with comfort, contact, and closeness. We just need to show up and be present when our kids need to feel vulnerably and express what they are going through.

You don’t have to agree with a child’s thoughts or actions in order to help them find their tears either. We can come alongside their emotions and make room for their expression without condoning that immature behaviour is okay. We can acknowledge that something is frustrating for them and welcome the tears that need to drain the frustration that is built up. Saying no is part of an adult’s role in a child’s life – and so is helping them find their tears when they can’t change the no’s that are there.

If a child can no longer say they are sad, upset, or lose the capacity to cry, it will be the adults in their life that will need to consider how to lead a child back to a place where they can feel vulnerably. When caring feelings go missing, it can be for many reasons including inhibition by the brain in order to preserve emotional well-being. If caring about something hurts too much, the brain simply responds by inhibiting the experience of caring feelings. Sometimes hearts can harden but there is much adults can do to help them thaw.

The Irreducible Need for Relationship

Children cannot thrive without relationships. They need relationships with adults who generously invite them to be in their presence, who display an unwavering capacity to hold onto them despite conduct and performance – while at the same time, lead the child to behave in ways that are civil, mature, and emotionally responsible towards others.

While I was at a hockey game the other night, I watched a father and his 7-year old son interact as they sat in front of me. It was clear his son was excited to be at the hockey game as well as impatient in only being able to move within the narrow confines of his chair. I watched the boy move around in his seat and buzz with energy as he watched the game, engaged with his Dad, and playfully interacted with his friend. I watched as his father gave him some space to express his energy until it crossed a line where it became too much and annoying to others around him – like when he started to kick the chair in front of him. The father leaned down, brought his head to his son’s ear and gave him direction, “I need you to stop kicking the chair and to sit in your seat for 10 more minutes.” The effect was immediate but what was remarkable was the warm yet firm way the father dealt with his son. It was clear to me his son was moved to obey his father not out of fear but respect – this is relationship at it’s finest.

What healthy relationships deliver to children is the ability to rest and trust in the care of an adult to lead them. A child’s immaturity means they will behave poorly at times and express themselves inappropriately. What kids need is to lean on adults who can lead them through these impasses while preserving their relationship. It is a child’s dependency on an adult that facilitates their growth towards independence. In other words, unless you are rooted relationally, you cannot stretch and grow towards your own human potential.

There are many ways we can facilitate healthy relationships with our kids including:

Engage them in conversation and listen with full attention
Do things together that bring out your enjoyment in being with them
Remember what is important to them and surprise them with your knowledge
Get there first when it comes to meeting their needs, that is, come before they call you for another kiss goodnight or be ready to feed them before they get ‘hangry’
When they are not behaving well, convey what isn’t okay while also conveying that your relationship still is
Don’t be afraid to lead them and call the shots when appropriate, inviting tears when needed

What Raffi seems to get so clearly in his song, All I really need, is how adults are partners in playing midwife to a child’s maturity. Kids have songs in their hearts because they should be instinctively moved to play. They need food in their bellies and love in their families which is about their hunger for attachment and to be cared for. Add in some tears and the capacity to feel sad and you have the three irreducible needs that all children require based on decades of cultural wisdom and developmental science. Simple? Yes – but these three things require a great deal of time, energy, commitment, and patience on the part of adults.

If you take the long view on human development you quickly realize there is no pill that can substitute for maturity. Nature has a plan to grow our kids up and of we do our job then we can trust in nature to do the rest. We need to play midwife to the potential for maturity that lies within each of our children.

How to Cultivate Gratitude in Kids

Words matter, and so do the feelings that fuel them.

We can teach a child to say ‘thank you’ and cue them when they need to say it, but this doesn’t mean they feel gratitude. Words of appreciation that are said without caring are usually done for performance reasons – it pleases the adults in their life, or people will think highly of the parent.

The problem is we can train our children to say the right things but this usually falls apart when the ‘right’ people are not watching, and doesn’t nourish anyone else in a deep way. When we encourage kids to say words that are devoid of caring, we push our kids to give and accept substitutes for real sentiments and push them towards superficial relating. Furthermore, the feeling of caring is one of the most important emotions that drives development and overall social and emotional maturity. We should not want to detach caring words from the caring roots that should drive them.

If we want to grow kids up to have empathy for others, show consideration, and act in a caring manner, then we will need to make sure their caring words are anchored to their caring feelings. How do we do this?

The first thing we need to realize is that gratitude is not something you can teach directly, rather; it is something you can help a child express when they feel cared for by another person. We can start by orienting the child to their own feelings and to help them stop for a moment to consider how someone has cared for them.

Children under the age of 5 are often impulsive and move quickly through their emotions. They are routinely unaware of how their feelings drive behaviour. Helping a child land on one feeling at a time will help them recognize and feel the caring that is behind gestures. For example, my eldest used to bring her sister part of her treats that were shared on special occasions in school. She would run towards her sister with half eaten cookies or cupcakes and when I asked her why she always remembered her sister she said, “Because she doesn’t get these treats and I know she likes them and I don’t want her to be left out.” My youngest never had to be told to say thank you to her sister. The huge hug she would give her in seeing the treat was all that was required to let me know the caring gesture had been received and acknowledged.

Where we need to focus our energies is on nurturing a caring spirit in our children. The capacity to care about others is instinctive and is unlocked when a child feels cared for. When a child is cared for by others, there is more caring in that child to give to others.

Caring behaviour doesn’t need to be rewarded either – it is fulfilling all on its own. The more we reward caring behaviour, the less caring it will be.

A chronic absence of caring in a child is not something that can be simply returned by commanding caring words or performances. A lack of caring in a child is an aberrant condition and one that requires us to pay close attention and work at softening defenses that inhibit emotional expression.

When it comes to giving gifts and celebrations, to the everyday acts of sharing with others – there are number of things we can do to nurture a child’s caring spirit. When a child is full of caring, it is this that will spontaneously move them towards expressions of gratitude.

Strategies to Cultivate Gratitude

Explain what gifts really mean.

Provide some context for gift giving and orient kids to what gifts are about. Too often a child is focussed on the
nature of the gift and whether they like it. To give someone a gift is about demonstrating through some tangible token, that you care about them. It should be the caring that matters and not the ‘item’ itself. The problem is that in a material, accumulation based, and consumer driven culture, the focus is always on “what did you get?” If we want to cultivate caring kids we need to focus on “who gave you this and why?” This is one of the ways we can orient our children to give from their heart and to recognize when others have as well.

Don’t ask kids “what do you want for a gift?”

We need to do more than ask kids what they want for their birthday, Christmas or any other occasion where gifts are given, and just simply respond to their lists of desires. If we give someone a gift then it would make sense that we should know them well enough to give them something thoughtful. If you have to fish around for ideas behind their back, this also preserves the caring because you spent time to find out about who they are. What we often forget in the act of giving a gift is that the element of surprise matters. When someone gets us what we asked for we are essentially caring about ourselves. When someone surprises us then we are more likely to feel cared for in a deeper way.

When we step back and consider what it means to be cared for and what gratitude should be about, it is clear we cannot get there from simply responding to our kids demands for things. We can’t invite our kids to rest in our care if we can’t figure out how to care for them on our special celebrations in life.

Homemade gifts really are the best.

A homemade gift is something special and serves to make someone feel significant. Why is this so? Because in making something for another person, it means you thought about them, sacrificed time to make something with your own hands, and created something unique for them. When a child makes a gift for someone they are oriented to the relationship they have with this person and the feelings they have for them. Homemade gifts should be closer to the heart than something they bought. This helps to keep the focus away from the material collection of goods and towards the generosity that underlies gift giving, and therefore, the gratefulness for them. The gifts that I treasure the most are the ones that have been made for me, like my children’s drawings or my husband’s thoughtful words on anniversary’s or birthdays.

Prime a child to say thank you instead of commanding a performance.

You can cue a child to situations where expressing gratitude is important and socially expected without pushing them to give false performances. This is done by reminding them that others will be generous towards them such as giving them a gift, helping them, or, taking care of them. You can remind the child that when we feel cared for by others we can show our caring back with a thank you or hand shake or whatever gesture is appropriate for the situation. It is better to ask them, “Do you have any thank you’s in you right now? This would be a good time to give them to that person,” rather than commanding, “You need to say thank you.” It is also helpful to prime a child towards feeling gratitude by encouraging them to create a card or letter of appreciation to other people when they feel thankful. Sometimes our kids need help in understanding how to express their caring feelings in civilized ways.

5. Live your family values out loud.

The statement that it is better to give than receive is an important one to orient kids towards. We can do this by talking about this value at the dinner table, and telling stories about family members who embody this and about their acts of generosity. When kids see that generosity matters to their adults, it should resonate and be clear that the spirit to care for others is alive and well in their family, and something to be treasured and honoured.

It is not simply enough for us to talk about the importance of generosity or gratitude – this is a performance on our end. We need to live these values out loud for our children to see, and not in a bragging and boastful way. I still remember the quiet generosity of my father as he donated his time and money to families and to his community. He was never one to boast about these things but it was my mother who told us, and reminded us that our father cared about not only us, but about others too. He and my mother have been steadfast in their example that it is better to give than to receive. By constantly demonstrating their generosity towards others, they orient my family towards knowing that caring about people is what matters most – not the things we accumulate or hold onto as substitutes for love.

The word integrity means that our actions and words are congruent with our thoughts and feelings. We need to guide our children towards this goal so that they can become whole. Integrity is what allows them to grow up as authentic beings, and to be the socially and emotionally responsible adults of tomorrow.

False performances of caring are cheap substitutes for the real thing and are an insult to the deep relationships that are life giving and fulfilling to all of us. We need to nurture the caring spirit that exists inside our children. We need to orient them to the true nature of gift giving and the joy that it brings to others when done it is with caring.

Boys Need to Do More Than Cry

The sentiment that boys need to cry is a common cliche but it eclipses a more important truth beneath it. Emotional expression in males is a social issue and boys need to do more than shed tears – they need to feel all their emotions.

Emotional vulnerability is at the root of what makes us fully human and humane. It is caring about others that fuels empathy and consideration. It is caring in the face of fear that moves us to display true courage. It is caring when we are frustrated that creates patience. Caring is one of the most important emotions that serve to civilize us. Tears are significant but they only tell part of the emotional story.

The better question to ask when it comes to boys (and girls too), is whether they have a ‘soft heart’ and can express their vulnerable feelings? This is what underlies tears and is at the root of emotional well-being and maturity. Tears are one of the best indicators of a healthy emotional system but there are many others feelings such as shyness, embarrassment, shame, fulfillment, emptiness, insecurity, appreciation, compassion, concern, apprehension, guilt, and being hurt. In a longitudinal, meta-analysis research study of the rates of empathy in youth in the US, a decline of 48% was noted over a 30-year period(1). What we should be focusing on is how to keep our boy’s heart’s soft and to figure out why their caring is going missing in the first place.

According to Tom Lutz, author of Crying: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears, part of the challenge are the differing perceptions on the value of having a ‘soft heart.’ Lutz offers two categories of thought when it comes to tears, that of the ‘criers’ and the ‘dry eyed.’ Criers value tears and the release of emotion but this belief is routinely pitted against the ‘dry eyed’ group who display contempt for tears and sentimentality, as well as feeling manipulated when others cry. Men are most likely to fall into the ‘dry eyed’ group states Lutz.

On the surface, it would seem a change in values might be enough to encourage and promote tears among the dry eyed but this is too simplistic and doesn’t get at the heart of the vulnerability problem. Responses to tears that are dismissive or devaluing often have more to do with a hardened heart and signal emotional defenses against vulnerable feelings. In other words, the brain has the capacity to press down on emotional awareness and expression, coined by neuroscientists as ‘emotional inhibition.’ A lack of tears and contempt for them is the anthem of the defended and hard hearted.

Emotional suppression is part of the brain’s sophisticated sacrifice play to ensure that anything that would be too overwhelming, interfere with attachment needs being met, or would get in the way of fixing a problem, doesn’t become conscious and felt vulnerably. It is important to recognize there is a difference between not expressing emotion and being defended against feelings. Feeling safe and trusting other people with vulnerable feelings is a matter of attachment. Unless a close relationship exists, we should not expect someone to share their feelings with us.

There are five signs to look for that indicate emotional numbing and inhibition may be present:

They no longer talk about what distresses or their hurt feelings
They no longer feel unsafe or alarmed when they should be
They no longer see rejection from others or they can’t stay out of harm’s way
They no longer adapt to the lacks and losses in their life, which is often accompanied by increased frustration and aggression
They no longer feel emptiness or desire, just a chronic level of boredom

How to Keep Boy’s Hearts Soft

If there were a goal with boys it would be to ensure that there is an invitation for all their emotions. If we construct notions of masculinity that do not include an invitation for caring or sadness, we do a disservice to our boys just as we do for girls when we focus on being nice and supressing their expressions of frustration or resistance. The more room we give our children to communicate to us about their emotional world, the less likely their brain will suppress their vulnerable feelings. The more our children can feel, the more caring they will be.

There are five things we can do to help keep our boy’s hearts soft:

Shield the heart with a caring attachment – When a child feels they matter to adults, then what others think or say about them will matter less. It is attachment that shields the emotional system from being critically hurt by rejection, betrayal, and a lack of belonging. While adversity is part of life, it is the experience of being alone while facing it that can be the most emotionally wounding for a child. Kids need to believe their adults are loyal to them.
Protect from wounding experiences where appropriate – If it is clear a child is in a relationship that is emotionally wounding, it is time to consider whether you can reduce contact, help them attach to others who are safer, or to provide alternative activities to decrease wounding. By changing the context for a child, you can prevent the brain from needing to protect against emotional wounding.
Lead into vulnerable territory – Kids adopt the values of the people they are closest to so if their adults lead discussions into more vulnerable territory, they are likely to follow. We can’t always expect a child to come to us when they are upset, it is the role of the adult to take notice and to draw them out when appropriate.
Display warmth and invitation for expression– The expression of warmth, delight and enjoyment for a child can draw them near and encourage them to open up. It is safety in the relationship and a belief that it won’t be withdrawn if they were to share vulnerable feelings that matters most. If a child is shamed or belittled for voicing their feelings, they will be less likely to reveal them again to their adult.
Validate and support displays of sadness, including tears – Boys can feel sad without shedding tears and it is important to meet them where they are at. It is also important not to force contrived expressions of sadness or suggest they are not doing something right when it comes to their feelings.

We don’t need to tell our boys to cry and we don’t need to become preoccupied with whether they have shed any tears. If we do our job well and keep our boy’s hearts soft while inviting their emotional expression, then nature will do the rest and naturally move them to their tears. We don’t need to work on our boys but on our relationships with them. When they feel we are holding onto them, they will lean on us emotionally.

References

(1) Sara H. Konrath, Edward H. O’Brien, and Courtney Hsing, “Changes in dispositional empathy in American college students over time: A meta-analysis,” Personality and Social Psychology Review 15 (2011): 180–98.

Ten Things Not To Do When a Child is Frustrated or Having a Tantrum

Every child seems to have their own signature move when it comes to lashing out in frustration including screaming, kicking, yelling, throwing, stomping, name calling, to self attack. Knowing how to lead a child through their emotional storms can feel challenging.

Frustration is an emotion that is hard wired into the brain at birth. It is the emotion that fuels us to change what doesn’t work and sometimes, we will have to be the one that changes too. Frustration is a powerful force that lies dormant, ready to be activated when needed.

The good news is children should naturally develop more self control when frustrated between 5 to 7 years of age (7 to 9 for more sensitive kids), if brain development is unfolding well. They will begin to be able to make choices as to what to do when they are frustrated rather than acting impulsively on their emotions.

Part of the challenge is that untempered frustration can turn to aggression and be harmful to the self or to others. Diligent adults want to teach and show a child the right way to respond but in the process, can make matters worse by doing one of the following ten things. Not only can these increase frustration, they can prevent a child from developing a sense of impulse control around this powerful emotion.

Don’t increase a child’s frustration by threatening them or using punishment – When kids are frustrated they are emotionally stirred up. The use of consequences, threats, or time-outs adds to their frustration thereby increasingly the likelihood of further eruptions of attacking behaviour. While we can’t let a child simply attack or hurt others, we can convey what isn’t working by simply stating the obvious, e.g., arms are not for hitting, and find a way to allow for eruption without repercussion to others. While we are firm on our limits and restrictions, we need to deescalate the situation rather than increase frustration and aggression.

The problem is some adults believe this type of approach rewards a child or ‘lets them get away with it.’ This view stems from a behavioural approach and ignores the role of emotion in behaviour. Conversely, from a developmental and relational perspective, one of the most important tasks an adult has is to help a child with developing self control and being able to use civilized forms of expression to communicate their feelings. When we increase a child’s frustration we become an adversary and lose our relationship in the process, the very thing that we need to help them become more mature.
Don’t convey you don’t know what to do with the child – When a child is frustrated and an adult tells them, “I don’t know what to do with you,” or “you are too much for me,” it reveals they feel impotent in the face of their child’s big emotions. Not only can it fuel greater frustration, it can also lead to insecurity in the relationship.
Don’t convey there is a problem with the feeling of frustration – Frustration is a powerful emotion that is meant to fuel change or the process of being transformed by what cannot be changed. For example, a child learns they can handle not getting another cookie, losing a game, to getting a bad mark from their teacher. When we convey to a child that they need to stop feeling frustrated we will thwart their understanding of this emotional reservoir that helps them change things. The problem with frustration is not the ‘feeling itself’ but in not being able to control it and unleashing it on others. Frustration that is channeled in a civilized way, will be the driving force for change when needed. We don’t want out children to stop feeling frustrated – we want them to steer through it in a mature fashion.
Don’t fail to lead a child through their frustration – While frustration needs to come out, adults still need to be responsible for keeping others safe, including the child. They should consider the environment they are in and whether they need to move a child to a place that is better suited for their emotional upset. We may need to consider whether we need to leave a public place or to hold onto the toys they are throwing at others, while also conveying we will take care of them. Adults need to lead and not ignore a child who is frustrated in the hopes that they will just work it out.
Don’t use logic to solve a child’s emotional problem – When a child is frustrated they are having a powerful emotional response but this doesn’t stop adults from trying to use ‘logic’ to solve it. We may ask them ‘why are you upset’ or remind them that we have ‘told them 100 times’ as if a rational approach is the answer. We don’t need to talk our children out of their upset; rather, we need to lead them to their sadness and disappointment about the things that cannot change. When we focus on the head and reason, we usually lose their heart in the process, and with this the rest that only their tears can deliver.
Don’t punish them after the frustration and tantrum – As if frustration wasn’t bad enough, the idea of going back around and punishing a child after a tantrum is part of the behavioural approach as well. There is an underlying belief with this method that punishment is what grows a child up. What kids need after the fact is to understand what they were feeling, why they acted a certain way, that you are there to help them, and to offer direction on what they could do differently. When you have a child’s heart they are inclined to follow your lead. If you lose the lead in the relationship by focusing on punishment, you are rendered an adversary. When punishment aims to control a child’s actions, you end up losing the capacity to influence them doing something different the next time around.
Don’t identify the child with their attacking behaviour – When a child is lashing out in frustration, adults can be quick to say things like, “good girls don’t hit,” or “why are you so mean?” This type of language is shaming and suggests that there is something inherently wrong with the child. A shift in direction can depersonalize their attack by saying things like, “your legs want to stomp because you are frustrated,” and “you have screams because you are upset.” Not only does it help the child see you as someone who will help them, it also allows them to connect frustration with their bodily reactions. When they are able to connect the dots this way, they will be better able to feel their frustration rising before it moves into action.
Don’t tell a child to cry or NOT to cry –While tears are usually the best remedy to foul frustration, we cannot force or command a child to cry. While we can convey we understand they are sad about what cannot change, our role is simply to pave the way for disappointment to occur naturally. At the same time, telling a child they should NOT cry only increases their frustration and the chance that it will turn into aggression. The idea that tears are not allowed conveys to a child that vulnerable feelings are not tolerated or supported. This is a dangerous message in the face of frustration, and one that can contribute to aggression problems.
Don’t tell them about your frustration in order to teach them about their own – The idea that we have to share our frustration with kids in order for them to understand their own misses the mark. When we make them focus on our feelings, their attention is no longer on their own. While we may think our emotions provide a ‘teachable moment’ to a child, it can also serve to confuse and alarm them. The goal is to help support a child understanding their emotions so when we add ours into the mix it can be overwhelming. This isn’t to suggest that we can’t talk about having frustration but the idea that we share our problems with our kids can turn them into our caretakers and reverse our roles.
Don’t tell a child to ‘cut it out’ or ‘stop being frustrated’ – Perhaps the hardest of all to realize about emotion is that it needs some room for expression. For the toddler it may be the screams, the preschooler the stomps, the kindergarten the words, or for the teen, the eye rolling. We all get frustrated and we all still lash out despite knowing better. The answer is not to cut out your frustration (which is impossible), but to find one’s caring in the face of it. When our caring is bigger than our frustration, the attacking forces are neutralized and we will find a more tempered response. It is the absence of caring that makes frustration more difficult and wounding. Kids under the age of 5 to 7 (7 to 9 years for sensitive kids) can’t experience caring and frustration at the same time so we will need to have to wait for brain development to deliver more impulse control. Until then, it will be our impulse control that helps lead kids through the emotional storms.

While there are many things that do not work and create more problems when our kids are frustrated, there are a number of things that will help. We need to give some space and room for emotional expression and to help them find words to match their internal feelings. While we can’t control an out of control child, we can change the circumstances we are in – such as leave restaurants or the dinner table. Walking a child to their tears is an important part of managing frustration. More information can be found in the article, You can’t always get what you want – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency.

When a child is full of attacking energy, we often lose our intuition as to the frustration that is driving it. With insight and awareness, we can ‘dance’ with our kids when they are frustrated and convey to them that we are there to help with these big feelings too.

What Young Kids Wished You Understood About Them

Parents are routinely confused when their preschooler (aged 2 to 5) promises they won’t hit or scream only to turn around and hit or scream again. Part of the problem is young children don’t think twice nor contemplate the consequences of their actions in the heat of the moment. I can assure you this is not part of a secret plot to drive parents crazy and it isn’t personal either. Preschoolers know much better than they can behave and are impulsive by design.

The parts of the brain responsible for self-control are still under development in young children. The brain is only 20% developed at birth and will ideally become more integrated in the first 6 years of life. In other words, the brain is still forming connections that will allow for the various parts of the brain to communicate with one another. Once the brain is integrated and the prefrontal cortex is connected across the left and right hemispheres, preschoolers will be better equipped to control their strong emotions and actions.

I remember a distraught father asking me, “when will my 3-year old learn to stop hitting her brother?” This wasn’t about learning but the requirements for brain development. I explained that his daughter was like a fast car that didn’t have any brakes. She could speed up and head in different directions (and crash), if she didn’t have an adult close by to help guide her. When the prefrontal area of her brain became better developed, she would naturally be able to apply her internal brakes to temper behaviour.

Given that preschoolers can only focus on one thing at a time, when they get caught up in the moment, their adult’s instructions can be eclipsed by what is in front of them. You can call them to come for dinner but their attention is elsewhere making it hard to collect their attention. When preschoolers zero in on something, they can ‘forget’ what they were doing a moment before – including parental directions. They don’t have a back of the mind or conscience that creates internal conflict and yells, “hey stop!!” or “pay attention,” which is why they are so impulsive.

What every parent wants to know is at what age can they expect a preschooler to become more tempered and able to control their actions? Based on the work of the developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, the phrase the “5 to 7 year shift” was coined to refer to the age when a preschooler’s brain should be able to mix conflicting feelings and thoughts. It is the conflict among two opposing feelings or thoughts that puts the brakes on impulsive reactions.

When a child starts to experience internal conflict, their frustration will be tempered with caring, their fear with desire, and they will be able to consider someone else’s needs along with their own. You can witness this conflict first hand as they may shake and shudder but not erupt in the same uncivilized fashion. It is the capacity to experience mixed feelings that puts a standstill to the most impulsive ways of the preschooler. They will be able to think before they speak, and even keep a secret, as well as tell a real lie.

Attachment-Safe, Discipline Strategies for Preschoolers

What every toddler, preschooler, and kindergartener would really like their adults to know is they really do look up to the people they are attached to and generally want to meet their expectations. At the same time, they live in the moment and parental directions can easily get lost when their attention is grabbed by something else. They would like their parents not to hold it against them that they are impulsive and instinctive beings who act upon the impulses and emotions as they arise inside of them.

The following five strategies for discipline with preschoolers are attachment safe and developmentally friendly, buying time for the young child to grow up.

Collect before you direct – Before directing a child on what you want them to do, it is helpful to engage their desire to follow you through engaging their attachment instincts. This means getting in their face in a friendly way and trying to collect their eyes or ears, for example, noticing and talking to them about what they are engaged in. It is this gentle, yet effective way of commanding their attention and making them receptive to direction that avoids a lot of the challenges associated with ‘not listening,’ and resistance.

Structure and routine – Having predictable routines and an order to the day helps orient young kids to what is expected without having to ‘boss them around.’ Songs can be used to signal when it is time to clean up as well as when it is time to getting pyjamas on or teeth brushed. Routines help to compensate for the lack of awareness preschoolers have as to the bigger context and can help orchestrate their behaviour in an attachment safe and developmentally friendly way.

Solicit good intentions – One of the best discipline approaches with young kids involves getting ahead of things they will struggle with, for example, not wanting to hold hands on an outing or sharing toys with others. Instead of waiting for trouble to start, it can be helpful to solicit their good intentions before heading out. After collecting them, you can ask, “Can I count on you to hold hands when we go out?” to which they will give an honest reply. If they say yes, it can be enough to remind them when you are on the outing, that they promised to hold hands. If the child says no, then you can simply help them see why it is important to hold hands to elicit cooperation. When we work ahead of problems and get a young child onside, it can prevent dealing with big reactions and upset in the moment.

Avoid time outs and other forms of separation based discipline – We need to preserve the desire in our preschooler to follow and obey us and this means not using what they care about against them. Separation is the most impactful of all experiences and time outs to 123 magic type approaches do more harm than good when it comes to our relationship with them. Part of being able to work with a young child and capture their attention so as to direct them, relies on keeping one’s relationship strong.

Teach a language of the heart – One of the ways a young child needs help is in matching their emotions to feeling words. When they can their words to describe their internal states, for example, “I am frustrated,” then they will be less inclined to use their bodies or screams to communicate their needs. If we want a young child to express themself in a civilized way, then we need to start by giving them some words to use.

Preschoolers represent the wonder and beauty inherent in human development. They evolve from impulsive beings into civilized ones in a matter of years. Parents have an important role to play and this involves compensating for their immaturity, directing them towards civilized ways of expressing themself, and continuing to care for them throughout. When we do our part, then nature will surely do the rest and help us grow our kids up.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.