Ten Things Not To Do When a Child is Frustrated or Having a Tantrum
Every child seems to have their own signature move when it comes to lashing out in frustration including screaming, kicking, yelling, throwing, stomping, name calling,…
Portfolio Categories: Futility
Five Things You Might Not Know About Human Emotion
Humans are some of the most complex emotional creatures on earth. From our teenagers who roll their eyes in disdain to our toddlers who cry…
7 Picture Books That Can Help Kids Learn About Feelings
Learning ‘feeling’ language to communicate one’s emotions is a critical developmental milestone in the early years. The following picture books are some of my favourites…
Why Tears are the Secret to Fostering Resiliency in Kids
There is much talk of how parents need to avoid overprotecting their kids and allowing them to experience failure as a part of routine life.…
Why Kids Whine
Research on whining confirms that it really is the most annoying sound to the human ear – more so than the sound of a screeching…
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency
There seems to be a lack of cultural wisdom as to the significance of tears in bringing a child to rest from the things they…
Hardened or Hardy? Holding Onto Kid’s Hearts
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld states there is a difference between a hardened heart, which does not feel vulnerable emotion, and one that is hardy and feels…
The Roots of Resilience and Recovery
At the heart of raising resilient children is understanding that our job as parents is not to make everything work for them but to help…
There are many types of tears, those of pain, anger, joy, and even those cried to onions. The type of tears we shed are important. The tears shed in surrender to the things we cannot change such as losing or rejection are significantly different. In fact, they serve to cleanse the body of all the big emotions that have been stirred up. When tears of futility are put under the microscope, there are enough toxic proteins in them to kill a small rodent.
The irony is our strength comes from our vulnerability. Not only can we be wounded deeply by others and overall life experiences but it is this capacity to feel that is at the heart of healing. By finding our tears, we can find our way through and can adapt. Resilience comes from knowing you can survive when things don’t go your way.
So how do we help our children find their tears of surrender when they are up against things that will not go their way, for example, getting another cookie? As parents we take up dual roles of agent of futility and angel of comfort, presenting to the child what won’t work or can’t work while also comforting them. The child might ask, “Can I have another cookie?” and if your answer is no then we present them with this futility. The reasons for the lack of a cookie is not necessary as our logical answers only court a child debating with us. For example, if you start a discussion about how “it will spoil your dinner” they will of course reply, “no it won’t” and we end up in a circular conversation aimed at changing our mind. While presenting futility we also offer comfort, “I know you like these cookies, I understand you are upset,” and when they then ask “can I have a cookie then?” we still come back with “no more cookies,” until the tears of acceptance come and they are at rest again.
Parents sometimes tell me that it seems like we are provoking a child. I know that until a child has had their tears about that which they cannot change, i.e. have another cookie, there is no rest from this pursuit. They will go on and on in their pursuit of the cookie, be filled with frustration, even lash out in anger until their limbic system registers the futility and they start to cry tears of surrender about the cookie that will not be.
A parent once said to me, “So you want me to let my 5-year old son lose at chess to help him build resilience?” I replied that I would much rather my child learn they won’t always be first or the smartest from me than to learn this from their peers. We need to make room for their disappointment and collect their tears so they can realize they can survive.
