Who’s in Charge Here, Anyway? Why Dominant children need parents to Lead
Bossy, commanding, demanding, insatiable, frustrated, restless, and resistant are just a few of the words used to describe the behaviour of children who act like they are in charge of their adults. These characteristics are not genetic, learned, nor can they be punished out of a child. They are the result of emotions and instincts that are fueling a child’s behaviour, making taking care of them difficult and exhausting. These behaviours are a result of a growing phenomenon in our homes and schools where our kids are taking the lead in the adult-child relationship.
The number of children with dominance problems has steadily grown over the last thirty years, overturning the natural adult/child relationship that has existed for centuries. Without understanding the roots of how the relationship has become upended, adults are left to chase down rabbit holes and ineffectually focus on the myriad behavioural symptoms.
When there are dominance problems a child is driven (emotionally and instinctively) to displace their parent from the leadership role, and to act and talk like they are in charge. Instead of resting in their adult’s care and following their lead, they insist on “fairness” and adherence to their version of the “rules.” They can also be clingy, must have the last say, and claim superiority. While the child is attached to their parent, they are attaching in the lead position instead of a dependent one. Children cannot rest, play, or grow if they are in the lead, making it the work of the parent to regain their role as the caretaker.
A LOSS OF LEADERSHIP
There are many reasons and ways parents can lose the lead when it comes to caring for their kids, including a lack of cultural support and a lack of confidence in what they can offer a child. Four of the more common reasons are:
Our love of independence
We all want to raise our children to become separate, social people who will be self-sufficient and goal-driven. The problem is not in wanting these things but in how we seek to get there. Children need to depend on their adults given their immaturity, which was always nature’s intention when it came to raising a child. We are meant to be the ones to guide and orient them, share our values, look out for, protect, nurture, and defend them when necessary.
Children were not meant to take the lead in caring for themselves until they are mature but we can prematurely push this along. Adults were meant to slowly retreat to a consulting role by the teen years, but this does not come from pushing kids to grow up. Examples of this include expecting babies to soothe themselves or preschoolers to be able to self-regulate strong emotion, or when we push young kids into early academics instead of allowing them to play. When we push independence before our children are ready, we communicate to them that they better care for themselves.
Our love of independence is eclipsing from view the necessity of inviting our children to depend upon us. All growth emanates from being deeply rooted in a trusting relationship and this is our role in raising a child—to ensure they are rooted in our relational gardens where we can cultivate them to mature, civilized ways of being in the world.
Offering too many choices
Promoting premature independence in kids often begets the parenting practice of asking our children to make choices about their caretaking. What do they want to eat? Do they want to go to bed yet? Do we consistently surrender to their relentless demands for playdates and sleepovers? There are many ways we lose our rightful place as leaders, especially when we over-consult with them on what they need. That being said, there are age appropriate areas our children can show healthy leadership, such as taking care of a younger child or pet, deciding what they want to play with, or how much food their body wants to eat. The problem is with our belief that we have to ask our children questions to make them independent, when what they hear is that we don’t know how to care for them nor know how to take the lead. A child will feel most secure when we read their needs and move to provide for them.
Too much separation
Parents face many stressors and competing attachments ranging from work responsibilities and financial obligations to divorce and health challenges. Kids need to count on their adults to provide routine, consistency, and stability. When parents are not available, and when they do not generously provide warmth and attention to their child, then insecurity may flourish. The more things that detract parents from their caretaking role, the more a child loses an emotionally safe, dependent relationship they require to grow. Further, while there often exists unavoidable separations parents and children face from each other given work and school demands, the role of surrogate adults in the child’s life becomes just as important to ensure the child feels cared for.
Alarm-based parenting
Parenting is not for the faint of heart. While we have been caring for children for centuries, today’s parents receive conflicting and contradictory advice, making the job seem even harder. Fear and lack of confidence in parenting stems from feeling like we don’t have all the answers to deal with their tantrums, learning needs, or how to discipline them correctly. When we parent from a place of fear— being overprotective, never saying no, negotiating as if they were equals, distracting them from their upset, or making everything work for them—we rob them of the secure base they would instinctively lean on when facing adversity. We need not worry that we don’t have all the answers as long as we see ourselves as the answer to their needs.
THE MARKS OF A LEADER
Staying in the lead means inviting the dominant child to depend on us. We cannot force a child to rest in our care, but we can work to create the conditions that will foster it by accepting the work of the relationship and assuming the alpha role in the child’s life.
To accept the work of the relationship is to keep our finger on the pulse of whether our children feel close to us, depend on us, and trust us. If our relationship feels strained or weakened, we need to repair and protect it and refrain from using separation-based discipline methods. Our relationship alone is what should influence a child’s desire to obey, follow, attend, listen, and share the same values as us, and parents must take the lead in preserving it.
To claim an alpha role in a child’s life is to act as their compass point and to help them make sense of the world around them. It means we don’t simply meet their demands but anticipate their needs, and we seize the lead in nurturing and comforting them when they are facing futilities that are part of life. To invite a child to rest in our care we need to portray a strong alpha presence so that they feel we are in charge and can handle whatever comes our way, from tantrums, to resistance, to emotional outbursts.
Given the intense nature of the alpha child, it is common to hear that they need a “harder hand” or to be “taught a lesson.” If the response to an alpha child is to exploit their dependency, remove things, punish, or lord one’s authority over them, this will do little to court reliance on a parent. At the same time, you cannot give in to unreasonable demands or fail to lead through the storms that occur. The place that one must lead an alpha child from is one of caring dominance where the parent is in charge but the child will not experience their care as adverse or unsafe. It is only through warmth, generosity, and capably setting limits while dealing with upset that will convincingly demonstrate that a parent is their best bet.
RECLAIMING LEADERSHIP
There are three things we can do to give our kids an invitation for relationship that they cannot refuse.
Reassert your caretaking stance
One of the most important strategies for managing an alpha child is to lead from one’s own alpha (read: caring and firm) stance. You need to convey to the child at every turn that you can take care of them. Finding the place inside of you that wants to take care of them, seeing yourself as strong and able enough to take care of them is a must. You may not always feel this way but by acting in this role every day, small gains can be made. If a child with a dominance problem recognizes that they can defy and baffle their caretakers, they will not trust in your caretaking. While there will be times a child gets very frustrated because you won’t give in to their demands, the feeling of being too much for their caretakers will only reinforce their alpha stance.
Invite dependence
To invite dependence, a parent must make it safe to be depended upon. When adversarial parental authority is used to control the child by taking things away or denying privileges in order to gain compliance, this will do little to build trust and will only exacerbate a child’s alpha stance. Time-outs and other forms of separation-based discipline can convey to the child the relationship is conditional and based on good behaviour only. A parent must steer through stormy behavior by not using their power to coerce compliance. Sidestepping the battle in the middle of conflict, and talking about the child’s feelings and behaviour after the fact can go a long way to preserving both the dignity of the child and the parent.
Take the lead in activities
An effective strategy with an alpha child is to find windows of opportunity where the child must depend on their adult for care. Taking the child on outings can achieve this. Many alpha children refuse to leave the house simply due to the fact that the request is coming from their adult (over whom the child is “supposed” to have authority) and because their house is also their safe “kingdom.” Despite their protests, getting them out and leading them to a new place in which they must depend on your expertise to navigate can dislodge their alpha stance temporarily.
If we can see the alpha child for what they are—a child who no longer depends on their adults—then we can find our way back to demonstrating we are the security they seek. When an adult regains the lead through caring dominance, the child will rest in thecaretaking offered and be freed of their hunger for connection. •
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages.
*NOTE: This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Summer 2019
Ten Things Teachers Need Most From Parents
As a teacher, I used to look forward to September despite the typical back to school nightmares that would visit me before classes started. There were phones that I couldn’t call out on, students that I lost, or lesson plans I couldn’t remember. Besides the imagined horrors that never came to pass, I still felt there was something special about the start of a new academic year, such as meeting new students or contemplating the challenge of helping them learn.
While my summers involved curriculum revisions and creating new lesson plans, I knew many of my students were likely groaning as their summer came to an end. I was never bothered by this and believed that with time, they would love being back at school again.
After a month into the school year, I would be reminded of how learning isn’t just influenced by me, the classroom, the tools, or curriculum I had. While teachers are responsible for creating a productive learning environment, parents play a critical role in ensuring a child shows up at school ready to learn.
From a teacher’s perspective, there are many ways parents can contribute to a child’s success at school. While many of them are common sense, they are routinely eclipsed by more academic concerns and go undervalued. The bottom line is this – when home and school work together, the learning outcomes for kids are exponential.
1. Normalize and support the challenges that come with learning –
So much of learning involves being placed outside of the comfort of ‘what you know.’ Learning is about being stretched and pulled a little, drawn into discovery and inquiry, taking apart what you know and putting it back together again, and being changed by the whole process. But all of this may create some discomfort as one moves to a place that isn’t certain, is vulnerable, and new.
I used to tell my students that if a teacher cares about their learning then they should feel challenged by this teacher. It was the student’s duty not to take offence but to realize the gift in having someone believe they are capable of learning and stretching.
A parent can help a child embrace feelings of discomfort and normalize these emotions as part of the learning process. It is important not to always try and ‘rescue’ a child nor prevent the discomfort that is part of learning process, but convey that you believe they will get there eventually and are there to help. Similarly, faulting a teacher because learning is hard doesn’t support the child’s relationship with the teacher nor convey faith in a child to overcome the challenge that is before them.
There are also times when kids need adult support and interventions to help identify and overcome their learning challenges. This type of support is made all the better when there is a good working relationship between a teacher and a parent.
2. Help your child adapt –
There are a lot of things at school that won’t go a child’s way – like recess breaks that end too soon, being one of many students with different needs and wants, having to wait for others, as well as following someone else’s rules. School represents many futilities that are part of life and beyond one’s control. Some kids seem more adaptable than others and part of this rests on the support they have at home.
Grumpiness is often a signal that a child is up against some frustration around things that are not going their way. They may unleash their frustration on siblings and loved ones, making after school tantrums frequent. Helping them find some words for their experiences and guiding them to express what doesn’t work can reduce frustration and help them adapt. Tears may be part of the process too, and we may need to support them in surrendering to the things they cannot change with warmth and patience.
3. Keep your relationship with your kid(s) strong –
When kids have strong caring relationships with adults at home, they are less likely to arrive at school ‘hungry’ for attachment. When they are not preoccupied with getting their relational needs met through friends, they will be better able to focus, won’t seek unhealthy connections to their peers, and will be less vulnerable to rejection and wounding from other kids.
One of the greatest challenges in classrooms today stem from peer orientation and the dynamics that play out when kids solely come to school to be with their friends. Adults are often seen as secondary to their school day, lesson plans are an inconvenience, and they share the same values as their peer group instead of the school culture. When peers replace adults, kids lose out on learning. If parents can hold onto a strong relationship with their kids then it frees their child to have healthy peer relationships, and to follow and learn from the adults in a school environment.
4. Match-make a child to their teacher and school –
When kids see that their parents like their school and teacher, it can go a long way to helping them trust their adults at school. Parents need to take an active role and play matchmaker with the teacher by arranging for an introduction (if possible), speaking with warmth about the teacher, conveying trust in them, orienting them to the school culture and rules, and ensuring that the relationship with their teacher stays on track. Kids do best when adults take the lead in introducing them to the people that will take care of them. It provides both security and a sense of rest so that the focus can go towards learning.
5. Put limits on technology –
Kids can be drawn to technology to quell boredom or to connect with their friends, or distract themselves from the challenges they face (same with adults). Setting and maintaining healthy habits around technology ensures it won’t hijack the time that is needed for homework, play, or connecting with family members. While many families start out the school year with good intentions around the use of technology, these rules can start to slide when things get busy. Parents need to be caring and firm as they create boundaries and limits around the use of technology in the home.
Teachers and schools should also set rules around technology use that will help create safe and productive learning environments. The rules will be age dependent but it is helpful for parents to ask about these limits and to support them. Schools are increasingly having to deal with issues between students that have blown up over social media and impact the learning environment. The digital world has made the divide between home and school weaker, and as such, parental guidance and supervision is important to prevent problems from occurring.
6. Support the school schedule and routine –
Schools have set agendas, calendars they plan well in advance, curriculum that needs to be covered, and holidays to navigate around. When parents support a child adjusting to the school routine, it makes classrooms flow better with more focus allowed for learning. When kids repeatedly come in late, don’t have their things ready for school, don’t have support at home with projects or supplies, or take vacations during school time, it makes teaching and learning harder. Parents can help by drawing a child into healthy habits and routine that support getting to school rested, fed, and ready to learn.
7. Let them play –
Kids work at school even though many teachers try to make learning fun and engaging. With so much work, kids need to play and rest so as to balance their day and have space to integrate new learning. While they may be engaged in structured activities after school, they also need time away from these as well as stimulation that prevents expression and inquiry. While it may seem like unproductive time to adults, it is the rest they need so they are able to work again in school. When we push kids to work too much, it can create defenses against learning and upend our relationship. There is a time for work and a time for play. Parents need to help structure a child’s world so there are opportunities for both.
8. Put them in charge of homework where appropriate –
Battles over homework are hard on relationships and do little to foster a child’s internal motivation to care about their learning. If a child shows signs of being responsible, help them take the lead in making decisions about when and where homework will get done and what type of help they want from a parent. When a parent’s agenda is hidden (homework needs to be done), under choices that a put a child’s will at the forefront (where, when, and how it is done), then the child will feel less coerced and resistant to getting things done. The goal for parents is to help create routine, structure, and play a supporting role in getting homework done, but not to descend into battles for control which erode parental influence and a child’s desire to learn.
9. Communicate with teachers and preserve your relationship –
When parents and teachers work on having a good relationship, their children benefit. It is ideal to try and communicate with each other before problems get too big. I often wished my students or their parents came to me when issues were smaller because there was often more I could do to help. It is useful to keep in mind that both parent and teacher see a child in a different environment and listening to each other’s perspective can go a long way. When there are problems, trying to preserve goodwill and a relationship is critical and requires maturity on all parts. The most productive meetings I have been part of are where the adults try to make sense of a child instead of focusing on fault finding and blaming others.
10. Support a child with challenging peer interactions –
In school environments, it is next to impossible to prevent wounding that happens between kids. There are times when they are left out, unkind words may be said, and gossip hurts. When peer troubles are present, it is helpful for parents to draw out tears at home and help them find their words for what has happened. What is most important is for a child to see that an adult believes in them. Confide in a teacher when a child is struggling with other kids too, there are many things they can do in a classroom and with supervision on the playground (of course that teacher must be willing).
What every child needs in their backpack is a relationship at home to turn to. While teachers should create safe and bully free classrooms, they don’t and can’t see everything that happens from the playground or the classroom. The good news is when a parent has a strong relationship with their child, then that child is more resilient and less impacted by the immaturity of others.
When parents take care of their child’s need for relationship and support their emotional development, teachers can harness a child’s natural desire to learn and to overcome challenges. Learning doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and when parents and teachers join forces, we are in the best position to help our kids reach their learning potential.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.
Dealing with Bullying: What Doesn’t Work and What Will
Bullying ranks high on the list of parenting concerns and for good reason. According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the United States, in any 6-week period, one third of children report being bullied and it is on the rise.
To complicate matters, bullying interventions and programs have failed to produce lasting results and measureable success including zero tolerance policies, empathy training, awareness raising campaigns, to imposing consequences. We are struggling to make headway on bullying but perhaps the answer is right in front of us and is just simply being missed?
One of the most consistent findings when it comes to bullying is the importance of human relationships in dealing with the bully, the bystanders, and their victims. Instead of expecting kids to figure out problems related to bullying, the emphasis is placed on adults in being able to lead kids in finding their way through.
From these findings it would appear the answer to bullying cannot be found in programs or policies but in the adults who step in and assume responsibility to help. Perhaps what every bully, bystander, or the victim needs is an adult they trust and feel cared for by.
How Adult Relationships Help Victims
When kids are hurt they need adults who will care for them. This is true for them physically as it is emotionally. A bully exploits the weakness in others and goes after the most vulnerable victims as their target. The kids who will be the most vulnerable are those who do not have adults to shield their hearts.
The antidote to the wounding words of a bully can be found in the caring connection with adults who convey these sentiments are simply not true. When a child believes they matter to an adult, then the words of others will matter less. As I often say to my daughter, “Don’t take those words into your heart, they are someone else’s hurt and you don’t have to carry that with you.”
What every victim needs is a place of rest, a relationship they feel at home in, and a person they can share their story with. One of the most important things we can do to help victims is to make room for them to express their hurt and fear. As we come alongside all that is unfair and unkind, it will be their tears that provide them with some relief too.
If a child is in harm’s way when it comes to ongoing and persistent bullying, then it will fall to their adults to do whatever is required. It may mean consulting with the school, legal authorities, or moving a child if attempts to make their world safe again cannot be assured. What every victim of bullying needs is an adult to lean on.
How Adult Relationships Help the Bystanders
The biggest fear bystanders have as they watch bullies in action is that they could be next. Even when someone else is being bullied, it creates a sense of unsafety for everyone. Some bystanders cope by making themself invisible, while others stick their necks out into the fray, either joining the bully or defending the victim.
What bystanders need are adults who communicate they are in charge and responsible for what happens in the classroom or at home. When there are problems, these adults need to provide direction, assume control of the things they can control, and provide supervision so kids can feel safe. Bullies are less likely to exploit kids when adults are watching making it an effective relational intervention. The best protection from a bully are adults who convey they are in charge and watching what happens.
How Adult Relationships Help the Bully
Bullies are devoid of genuine remorse, feelings of shame and embarrassment, as well as the capacity for self-reflection on any topic that would make them feel too vulnerable. What a bully lacks is a soft heart due to emotional wounding. The source of wounding is not always obvious but can be related to peer orientation, dominance problems, as well as facing too much separation from their caretakers.
One of the most effective ways to increase the vulnerability of a bully and bring down emotional defenses is through the caring relationship with adults. It will fall to these adults to find a way to cultivate relationships with a bully and invite them to rest in their care. When a bully feels cared for again they can be made fully human and humane. A bully’s heart can only be brought back to life with the caring heart of another human being. Insight from adults is needed to help others understnad that hurt kids are the ones most likely to hurt others.
So many of our approaches to bullying assume the behaviours are learned and can be unlearned through teaching or consequences. If this were true we would be making headway on the bullying problem and we wouldn’t be seeing an escalation of wounding behaviour among our kids. The answers to bullying can be found in understanding human relationships and cultivating strong connections with our kids. The secret to resiliency and recovery is simple, whoever a child gives their heart to has the power to protect it with their own.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Center. For more information www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Healing Broken Attachments with our Kids
They are few stressors greater in life than having a challenging relationship with one’s child. It can be heart breaking to look at the chasm in one’s relationship with them, often unleashing a desire to close the distance or even withdrawing altogether. The challenge is we cannot make a child love or want to be near us. We cannot make a child trust, depend on, or give us their heart for safe keeping. Attachment is something that is built between two people, it does not follow orders or commands.
This can lead a parent to ask – is it ever too late to close the distance and get a child’s heart back? The good news is no – it is never too late. Attachment is not a fixed entity and can be cultivated with our kids at any age. Relationships are fluid, permeable, changeable, repairable, and can deepen in vulnerability with time, patience, and good caretaking. Parents are relieved to hear this but often have many questions how this can be done. Sometimes we need to stop and consider how the distance between us got there? This involves more than just recounting incidents but understanding their impact on our relationship with each other.
How Do Relationships Get Weakened in the First Place?
The most impactful of all human experiences is being separated from the people and/or things we are attached to. Attachment is our greatest need, therefore, it is the experience of being separated or rejected that has the capacity to wound a child (and us) most of all. Whether we intend to or not, our actions and words can create too much separation physically and/or emotionally.
When getting close to a parent sets a child up to get hurt on a consistent basis, that child is likely to distance themselves or detach from their parent to preserve and protect their emotional well-being. This is not done intentionally but through the activation of instincts and emotions in the brain that are inherent to human functioning and serve self-preservation. For example, if a child is continuously yelled at, shamed, or receives separation based discipline from an adult (time-outs, 123 magic etc.), they are likely to back out of attachment with that adult. Being close sets them up to get hurt. The most wounding experience of all for a child is experiencing a lack of invitation where they want one, of not being cared for, lacking a sense of belonging and loyalty, and of significance.
A child may also experience too much separation from a parent by not being in enough physical promixity with them. Without consistent regular contact and closeness, a young child may find it hard to stay connected when the feelings of missing are so great. While feelings of missing are a natural by-product of being attached, too much of it can provoke emotional defences in the brain to numb out a child’s feelings, tune out the person, or to detach from the relationship to protect the heart. When trying to engage with a child who is defending against the relationship, a parent may get the cold shoulder or be ignored. This can be short lived or ongoing depending on the level of separation experienced and duration.
A further reason for wounding in the parent/child relationship is the parent’s release of unfiltered emotions onto their kids. Relational problems can be created when we are not consistently tempered in our responses to our children and don’t put the brakes on before speaking our mind when upset. Sometimes yells, threats, or other things come out of our mouths before our head can catch up with us to stop us. While we may not intend to hurt our children, sometimes we do harm to our relationship. When emotions flair, it is important to repair the relationship in the aftermath.
There are many reasons why our children may experience separation from us. Sometimes we don’t collect them nor engage them enough so they turn to substitutes like technology or their peers. When there is distance between us the relational void will be filled by something else or someone. This makes it challenging to reclaim a child and rebuild one’s relationship because the child has now found ‘safer’ substitutes to hold onto. The good news is that it is never too late for a relationship to be mended but it may take time, persistence, faith, tenacity, tears, caring, compassion, consideration, and patience.
Three Ways to Cultivate Stronger Connections
While the circumstances behind the challenges in our relationship will be different for every parent and child, there are a few attachment strategies that can be useful in repairing what has been broken.
- Consider a child’s receptivity to a relationship and bridge the distance – Before proceeding to cultivate a closer connection, it is important to consider how receptive a child is to having one with you. If the cold shoulder is a consistent response, then bridging the distance between you may be the most important thing to do. Bridging means sending a message to the child that you seek a connection with them but will not pressure them to be closer to you than they are comfortable with. This can be achieved in subtle ways like staying near them, doing small things to take care of them, and orchestrating your time together through structure, routines, and rituals – all of which are less provocative than being in close relationship. The goal is to look for signs of receptivity and whether a child is warming up to being around you. It will also be important to be working on changing whatever is driving the separation between you in the first place as well.
- Take the lead in the relationship dance – The responsibility for the relationship lies with a parent. As children become teens and adults, they do have a greater role to play in the relationship but it still doesn’t negate the need for a parent to hold on and send an invitation for connection. It is our job to take the lead, to bridge the divide, to hold on through the storms, to give more connection than is desired, and to be their answer. It is for us to repair or to mend the challenges in our relationship. We must hold on, lead and find a way through the impasses, and to figure out what is coming between us. While we may be frustrated with the response we get in return, it may signal we need to do more soul searching, be patient, or give it time. Sometimes we can get stuck in our persistence and our children in their resistance. Anger and frustrated responses will get more of the same, we need to change our dance steps and chart a different course if we are going to mend the distance between us. If we have apologies to make then we can do this in simple ways and then get on with the business of caring for them.
- Collect and engage their attachment instincts – Collecting a child means trying to get in their face in a friendly way or if this is too provocative we can try to get in the same space as them and collect their ears through our voice. We can start with a greeting, sharing something we have in common, or trying to engage the child in conversation or in play. You can talk about the plans for the day or help them with something – there is no shortage of the ways to connect with a child. What collecting conveys is a desire to be close. It is the repeated and unexpected attempts to connect that can slowly make a difference and signal to a child we want a deeper connection. We need to proceed slowly in collecting a child until we see there is receptivity to our invitation. Our expression of warmth, enjoyment, and delight in being around them are the consistent signals to their emotional systems that we are safe to depend on.
What if they don’t take us up on our offer for relationship?
At the root of our deepest upsets in life is feeling the separation or void from someone we desire contact and closeness with. As parents we can take responsibility for our end of the relationship deal, take the lead in trying to repair what has been broken, and change our responses to reduce separation. Our children may take their time in coming back to us and to this I say – hold on. We don’t know what the path holds ahead for us, relationships have a way of turning around over time with warmth, patience, and a consistent message that we are here. If you had your child’s heart at one time, they will surely be looking on some level to come home to you. Be that safe place to return to and hold on to them as you can.
Gordon Neufeld states, “while loving someone may not change that person, it will surely change you.” If we let our hearts grow cold, if we turn away in anger or hurt from the one’s we love, then this will transform us into different people. If we wall off our hearts, we will surely be lost. It is better to find our tears, lean on other relationships that can help us stay the course, and bide our time. All is not lost when we have the courage to hold on and to love our kids through, over, and around the distance that exists between us. We need to hold on and keep making them an offer for relationship that they can’t refuse.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Good Fit Friends: Helping Kids Navigate Peer Relationships
There was a time when the hardest part of going to school for most kids was the academic work. Today, some of the toughest days for kids have little to do with their lessons and everything to do with their peers. While bullies have always existed, as well as disagreements on playgrounds, the youth culture of today has significantly changed bringing with it new challenges.
In a 2011, a 15 year, meta-analysis research study on North American youth revealed a 40% decline in empathy and 35% reduced capacity for perspective taking. This lack of caring is evident in peer interactions and is changing the nature of our classrooms, lunchrooms, and playgrounds.
Bullying now tops the list of parental concerns with at least 1/3 of children reporting they are being bullied in any given 6-week period according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Children come home from school in varying emotional states depending on the nature of their peer interactions.
What is Driving the Changes in Peer Relationships?
One of the greatest challenges for kids in a school environment is the increasingly peer oriented nature of their classrooms. Peer orientation refers to the fusion of children to each other for the purpose of meeting their attachment needs. Far too many children are using peer relationships as a replacement for the missing adult connections in their life.
The phenomena of peer orientation was first outlined by Gordon Neufeld, a clinical and developmental psychologist, and Gabor Mate, a physician, in their best-selling book Hold Onto Your Kids. Peer orientation is due in part to the increasing levels of separation between kids and parents today, the increased amount of time kids spend with their peers, and the pressure to socialize children with their same aged peers.
The challenge with peer oriented kids is they are not easily influenced and directed by the adults in their life, including both teachers and parents. They will take directions and adopt values that are in keeping with their peer culture. This leads to immature behaviour and in worst case scenario, aggression and hostility to those outside of their peer pack.
When children run in packs without orienting to an adult to guide them, the scenario is very similar to that described in William Golding’s book, The Lord of the Flies. Their conduct and behaviour can be brutal, leaving a trail of wounded children in their wake.
There is a difference between a child having friends versus being fused with them in order to have their relational needs met. If a child becomes peer-oriented then the first order of business will be to restore their adult relationships. Peer orientation can lead to developmental arrest, a loss of teachability, and emotional inhibition.
Strategies for Helping Kids Navigate Peer Relationships
- Foster adult attachments in and out of school – One of the biggest buffers against wounding in a school environment is being attached to caring adults. When kids cares more about what their adults think of them, then their heart is better protected from the wounding words of their peers. It is imperative for a child to have a good relationship with their teacher, especially in the younger years. If your child is struggling, then asking a teacher to connect and check in with them whenever they can is a great strategy. When a child feels they can turn to their teacher, then the school day stress and classroom environment can become more manageable.
- Structure the unstructured time – Peer challenges often appear when there is little adult supervision and unstructured time. When left to their own devices, peer oriented kids can gather in packs and torment kids in the lunchroom or playgrounds. One of the most effective strategies to curbing such behaviour is to ensure there is adult supervising when their time is most unstructured. Adult supervision helps to temper, monitor, and take care of peer oriented behaviour when it gets out of line.
- Draw out a child’s feelings and thoughts – In debriefing school experiences it is important to listen, not judge, or become upset when your child is reporting on what has happened. If a child believes their experiences are overwhelming for a parent or they will have strong reactions, then they may stop sharing their stories altogether. It is important for a child to sort through their own feelings and thoughts in a safe environment and to have their tears if necessary. When a child can do this they can often come up some helpful solutions and understand their peer problems better. They are also more amenable to hearing our suggestions as well.
- Help them identify ‘good fit friends’ – Discuss with a child who they consider a ‘good fit friend’ to be. A good fit friend should be someone they feel similar to, doesn’t take advantage of them, treats them kindly for the most part, and they feel comfortable in being around. Helping a child articulate what a ‘good fit friend’ looks and acts like helps them feel a sense of agency in being able to pick friends and find those that are a good match. It also validates their intuition about other kids and draws out their insight as to who is not a safe friend or where they feel most uncomfortable. The term ‘good fit’ also avoids polarizing language that paints other children as ‘bad’ or ‘good.’ Fortunately, a child who has a soft heart and is in right relationship with their adults will often be drawn to similar children as oneself.
- Intervene when necessary – Many peer altercations and challenges can be helped through supervision, therefore, bringing a teacher into the conversation can be helpful. Sometimes teachers are not aware that a child is struggling in their peer relationships and can provide valuable insight as to how a child is managing in the classroom. These conversations are often done best privately where a child’s concerns are not openly revealed to other students or parents of other children. Being covert and asking for privacy protects the child’s dignity and does not overly reveal their struggles which could be further preyed upon by peer packs. When sharing your concerns with a teacher, offer concreate strategies wherever possible such as a moving your child’s desk, or suggestions for pairing your child with others for the purpose of group work.
Peer friendships are a part of growing up and offer children an opportunity to connect with people who share similar interests as oneself. Helping kids navigate the friendship terrain is an important one as well as not forcing connections where it is clear there is no invitation for relationship. Too often our agenda is one of helping kids get along with others, and while there is merit in this approach, it doesn’t take into account that not all kids will like each other or do well together.
Children need to feel a sense of agency in being able to choose ‘good fit friends,’ and to be guided by adults on how to deal with tricky peer relationships when they arise. Kids will be hurt by their peers but the good news is that the wounding doesn’t have to go deep. Adults relationships in an out of school have the capacity to shield a child’s heart from the worst of their peer’s wounding ways.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Making Sense of Adolescents (or anyone who acts like one)
Mark Twain wrote, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” Twain captured the arrogance, self-absorption, and idealism of the teenage years so well. While these characteristics are seen as deficits in the teen, they are byproducts of the changes underway. If a young adult successfully navigates the rites of passage that come with adolescence, they will leave their childhood behind and grow towards maturity.
One of my friends told me she sees adolescence as “one big seizure and period of upheaval.” I imagine her daughter would describe this period in a similar fashion, that is, if she could get enough distance from herself to understand what she was going through. The more we can understand what is going on for the teen, the more we can create the conditions that will help them grow up. The more we make sense of why they behave as they do, the less we are likely to be tripped up by their behaviour. Nature has a plan for our teens and it includes emerging from their ‘adolescent cocoon’ as a mature adult who is both socially and emotionally mature. If development is ideal then this period of transition should naturally resolve itself and bring with it more stability, perspective, and balance.
The dilemma for a teen is they are no longer a child and not yet an adult. These years require them to place their hand on the steering wheel in their own life and play a role in their own unfolding. It will require courage and the ability to handle strong emotions – from fear to frustration. For their parents, it will be a time to mourn the child they are no longer and to celebrate the adult they are becoming. It will mean they will have to find a way to hold onto a relationship with one’s child despite all the things that will come between them.
What Parents of Teenagers Worry About
When I talk to parents of teens, the common concerns they share with me are about drugs and alcohol, peer issues, social media and technology use, sexual activity, school success, and future aspirations. Some parents take a more hands off approach, while some struggle to maintain control over their teen. What I see repeatedly are the changes these years bring to the dance of relationship between a child and a parent. The relationship dance can feel tricky, unpredictable, requiring new moves, and new eyes to understand the emerging adult before you. The teen needs a parent still but doesn’t want to need them. They can push and pull, drawing a parent near only to distance them again quickly.
For those that have enjoyed parenting throughout a child’s early to middle years, the teen years can bring great sadness. The realization that one’s role is moving towards one of consultancy can be met with mixed emotions. Turning over the steering wheel to a teen to make decisions that impacts the rest of their life can seem daunting and alarming. It is a time of trial and error for the teen but for parents there is fear that some mistakes cannot be undone so easily.
What Teens Are Trying to Figure Out
With ideal development a teen will naturally experience strong emotions including alarm, frustration, and sadness. While they may be excited at having more freedom, they may also feel the weight of the responsibility it brings to make good decisions. They may feel more resistant and oppositional when told what to do by their parents as well, all part of the process in trying to figure out who they are. As my high school students used to tell me, “Every time my parents tell me to clean up my room I don’t feel like it – same with homework too. Why don’t adults know that it makes you want to do the opposite?”
The teen can feel bombarded with conflicting information, values, thoughts, and feelings. They may struggle with the lack of absolutes, realizing that nothing is as certain anymore. The childhood period where ignorance was bliss has come to a close and they feel the weight of making decisions where no clear answers can always be found. As they take the steering wheel in their life they will be faced with assuming responsibility for their mistakes and having to plan a reroute. Healthy development is often a time of struggle, one that a teen must face with courage and vulnerability, as well as with support from their adults, if they are to successfully navigate these years.
I often tell my teenage clients that adolescence can bring with it a time of alarm and sadness as much as excitement and expanding awareness. It can be a time of confusion as much as it can bring clarity in terms of one’s identity. It is a time of change, a time of tears, a time to hold on and have faith that the end may look very different from the middle.
How to Hold Onto a Teen
While our teens are trying to figure out how to let go of us and move into adulthood, it doesn’t mean we have to stop holding on to them. The biggest mistake we could make with is to assume they no longer need us. The challenge is we lack cultural practices to guide our teens into adult years. We lack rituals and structure through which they can naturally navigate their adolescent rites of passage. In intact cultures there were ceremonies to mark one’s coming of age, or the adoption of surrogate aunties and uncles to provide some natural distance from parents, and challenges for them to overcome. So many of our teens today feel lost because culture no longer serves as a guidepost to navigating these years of great transformation. The good news is parents can help provide direction to the teen by preserving and protecting their relationship with them.
- Connect with them through shared experiences such as eating together, playing games, or music. Research shows teens who have adults in their lives that they eat with on a regular basis are more resilient in the face of adolescent adversity.
- Give them space to voice their opinions and ideas, even if you disagree with them. When you listen to their ideas you communicate you are interested in who they are, rather than having them feel you ‘tell them what to do all the time.’
- Take care of them in unexpected ways – from helping them to clean up their room to cooking their favourite meals.
- Invite them to spend time with you – to go out with or cook with you, even if you think they will likely say no and will want their own space. The idea that you want them close is often nourishing all on its own if a teen has a soft heart.
- Give them areas to be in charge of that are age appropriate, such as how they want to organize and decorate their room, making a meal for the family, choosing when they do their homework. If a teen is developing well they should naturally start to take responsibility for areas in their life and parents can step in to play a supporting role when needed.
I love Gordon Neufeld’s statement, “if you don’t feed your cat and your neighbor does, you will surely lose your cat.” This is as true for cats as it is of teenagers. If we are going to hang onto our teens we will need to find a new relational rhythm that honours the changes underway for them. If we are to hold onto our relationship we will need to find a way to ensure their big emotions, such as resistance, sadness and alarm don’t pose a threat to our connection.
We need to make sure we don’t leave them to their peers for guidance or in making sense of the world – nor to their devices. While they evolve as social and sexual beings, our teens still need their adults to anchor them into place. It is our relationship that provides a sense of home and place of refuge, and helps them feel grounded when the changes underway are overwhelming.
Adolescence brings with it the promise of maturity. We may watch in awe and with some alarm as our teens take the steering wheel in their own life. With enough patience, time, and good care-taking they will finally emerge and remind us of the splendor and beauty inherent to human development.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
When Peers Matter More than Parents
I often hear parents voice concerns as to whether their child is making friends and fitting in with their peer group. It often gives rise to fervent activity to expose their child to a lot of kids, have playdates, and to help their find their BFF (best friend forever). What is rarely addressed is that there is a great risk in pushing children to oversocialize, especially in the early years. Perhaps this push is fuelled by a belief that children learn social skills from being around other kids the same age. The thought that other immature children will help a young child act more mature is faulty at best.
The push for peer contact also reveals a lack of appreciation for the critical role adult’s play in growing children up. In fact, it is alarming how we routinely fail to recognize how adult attachments best serve a child’s developmental needs rather than peer based ones. It is not a problem that a child has friends, the issue is when the attachment to a peer supersedes the need for adult connection. When children are peer attached rather than adult oriented there are a host of learning and behavioural problems that appear. Peer orientation is widespread in classrooms and homes in developed countries yet we consistently fail to see it for what it is.
When my daughter was in kindergarten she was shy, reserved, unsure of her new surroundings and the people in it. I was not concerned as it made sense to me that she would be more cautious and concerned in an environment she was new to. With good intentions the teacher suggested my daughter needed to have more play-dates in order to fit in. She believed it would help my daughter be more confortable raising her hand and asking questions in class. While I also longed for my daughter to feel more comfortable, I did not believe the answer to this could be achieved by placing her need for contact, closeness, and security into the hands of her peers. Her teacher had to be the answer on the attachment front if she was going to settle in and learn. It wasn’t that I didn’t want my daughter to make friends and play, but I wanted this to unfold when she felt safe, taken care of, and could rely on someone mature for guidance and direction. If there were one play-date I would have wholeheartedly welcomed it would have been with the kindergarten teacher.
Why are so many of our children preferring peer relationships over adult ones?
Today it seems routine that the first thing we offer children when they enter daycare, preschool or elementary school, is a peer to hang onto. What our children really need is an adult to hang onto so that their need for contact and closeness can come from a mature source. Children are poor substitutes given their capacity to wound each other with rejection, shaming words, and alarming behaviour. When we push peers over adults we court children seeing their friends as the ones to meet their needs rather than adults. This can result in a loss of parental authority and teachability as children look to each other to get their bearings. The phenomena of peer attachment is not new and has been escalating over the last 50 years. This has been well documented by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate in their book, Hold Onto Your Kids.
Peer attachment is also created when our children experience too much separation from their caregivers and are left to meet their attachment needs with those who are typically available – their peers. Today children experience unprecedented levels of separation from their parents due to economic pressures, smaller families, increasing geographical mobility, lack of extended family, and high divorce rates. Given our children are facing separation on this magnitude, it is no surprise they are turning to each other to meet their attachment needs. Children of the same age are more similar to each other allowing them to connect easily.
The only way to keep kids close to adults is through active care taking. We need to be in their face in a friendly way if we are going to keep them orbiting around us. They do not need to find a friend to hang onto but be pointed in the direction of the adults who will hold onto them. Their adults are their best bet in learning how to interact with others and moving towards a more mature form.
What does peer attachment look like in a child?
When children become peer attached, there are numerous signs they prefer to be with their friends over their adults. They will take on the same mannerisms, talking, walking, wanting to dress like, and copy their peers. They can be very cognizant and worried about how they fit in and wounded by signs that a friend does not care about them nor want them around. Their desire to go to school stems more from a need to be with their peers rather than learning. In the classroom they may act in ways to impress their friends but the behaviour is unlikely to please their teacher, e.g., talking to friends, trying to be funny, get a laugh or impress. There is a loss of teachability usually noted by their teachers such as the child talks too much and is overly concerned with being with their friends rather than attending to what the teacher says. There can be delays and problems in learning because of the child’s attention problems as well. In short, when peers become the answer to contact and closeness, there is a loss in parental influence in the home and teachability in the classroom.
When parents and teachers lose their capacity to lead and influence, a child is more likely to be easily led astray by peers. In adolescent years this is highly problematic given possible exposure to drugs, alcohol, sexual experimentation as well as a host of other risky situations. Peer oriented kids no longer orbit around parental values, failing to take guidance and direction when given. In fact, they can become quite resistant towards their adults, acting in ways that defy, counter, oppose, and loathe interaction with them. They don’t respond the same way, failing to listen and heed cautions and directions. It makes for a 
difficult time in taking care of them. The loss in vulnerable feelings is also palpable in peer-attached kids as they no longer have mature people with whom it is safe to share their heart contents. Peers often exploit and deride the expression of vulnerable feelings rather than support them.
One of the most troubling aspects of peer attachment is the developmental arrest it causes. You cannot grow if your attachment needs are unmet and peers are a poor substitute for a healthy adult attachment. Kids need to feel at home with at least one adult that can provide and protect for them, this is their ultimate relational refuge. A peer cannot offer this same sense of home nor a provision of care that can truly satiate. Children who are peer attached may grow physically but there will be a loss to individuation and becoming their own person. Peer attached kids can grow into peer attached adults where cloning and fusion are present rather than a mature, separate self who stands apart and charts one’s own future.
How can we reclaim a peer attached child or youth?
It can feel daunting to reclaim a child or youth who prefers to be with their peers over their adults. The sense of rejection and not wanting to be with a parent can be challenging but one must persist if we are to make them ours again. It starts with believing you are what your child needs and in setting strong intentions to hold onto them, despite all the behavioural and learning problems that may be present. It will be hard to convey to a child that you are their answer when you cannot find this confidence and place inside of yourself.
1. Collect them and rebuild your relationship – The expression of delight, enjoyment and warmth goes a long way in trying to hold onto and reclaim a child. Find times when you can easily get into their face, (e.g., a car ride, night time) and try to collect their eyes, a smile and a nod. Connect with them around areas you have in common and spend time together devoid of outside competition such as screens, peers, and siblings. As you interact with them give them your undivided attention and listen with care and concern. Collecting a child is not about lecturing but listening, conveying an invitation for relationship, as well as a desire to be close. They may not readily take you up on your
relational offer but persistence is key. Signs that you are making headway may be slow in coming but they can appear in a variety of ways such as wanting to spend time with you, asking questions, or following your directions.
2. Invite dependence and provide generously for them – We need children to depend on adults for caretaking but this can only be achieved when there is a generous provision of care being offered. This requires actively reading their needs and taking care of them rather than consulting them on what they want. We need to move to take care of them in ways that only we can, e.g., outings, trips, or teaching new hobbies. We need to consistently present ourselves as being able to offer a more nourishing and fulfilling relationship than they will ever find in a peer. Often peer-attached kids lack the motivation to try new things but with a parent’s help they can start to engage in activities that fit with their interests and curiosities, e.g., swimming, riding a bike, rock climbing. The parent must lead and pull the child into following them into these activities, as they cannot get there under their own direction.
3. Matchmake them to adults and embed them in an attachment hierarchy – When children become peer attached we need to help them find the adults that will take care of them. We can actively help them build a relationship with their teacher or care provider, noting areas of similarity and pointing out ways they care for them. When children are focused on same age peers we can draw their time and attention towards other adults, older cousins, family friends, to their aunties, uncles and grandparents. At the same time, we can invite the child to play a role in the life of a younger child serving to draw out their natural care taking instincts. When children experience attachments as being hierarchical in nature, it can serve to pull them out of orbit around same age peer relationships.
4. Don’t court the competition – Peer attached kids seek and gravitate to other children to spend time with. Part of getting into their relational space once again involves mitigating competing forces. Removing all peer contact will only serve to exacerbate a child’s desire to be close to them; therefore, preventing peer contact is not the answer. We must find ways to prevent competition such as limiting play-dates and giving them adult time instead. They may desire sleepovers and technological devices so as to keep in touch with their peers but parents must set limits and restrictions on these fronts in order to make headway and preserve their relationship. Peer attached kids will protest such moves and be frustrated with the limits. Letting them know you understand their frustration instead of trying to battle with them helps to hold onto them and prevent further distancing between you. When they are around their peers you can also move in to try and collect them as well, knowing that if you have their peers following you, your child will be close behind.
The problem of peer attachment could be alleviated if we spent half the amount of time we currently do helping our children find a friend and focus instead on helping them to attach to adults in their life. We could then return to leading our children with natural authority and influence. The problem is we are so blinded today by a socialization agenda that puts peers in competition with adult relationships. Developmental science has clearly demonstrated the danger of competing attachments yet we continue forward. Once you are able to see peer attachment for what it is, then one can better find a way through to reclaim or prevent losing a child.
One day a mother told me she was very concerned about her daughter who had came home distraught from school. Her daughter was reluctant at first to share anything but the mother persisted. Facing an overwhelming amount of distress her daughter told her that she was sad and heartbroken. She said her friend was leaving her out again, acting mean, and didn’t want to be her friend anymore. As she recounted her bad day to her mother she asked her in desperation, “When will I ever find a friend that can be with me to the end?” The mother was taken aback and at a loss for words as she tried to make sense of this desperate need inside her daughter. It isn’t a friend that is meant to be with a child to the end but an adult. Peers will let go of you but a parent should be the one to hang onto you until the very end.
A child can only rest in relationships where they feel an unwavering strength in the connection, where their tears are invited, and a burdened heart can be soothed. It is not for our children to search for this person among their peers but for an adult to claim them so that they search no farther. Friends will come and go but we are ultimately the answer to the hunger to be known and cared for. We need to hold onto our kids because we are their best bet. When we hold onto them they can let go of us. They will be free to grow into the people that only healthy attachment can give birth to.
For more information please go to the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org or see Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate’s book – Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents need to Matter More than Peers.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids based on developmental science. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org for more information.