Why Kids Whine
Research on whining confirms that it really is the most annoying sound to the human ear – more so than the sound of a screeching table saw or a Vuvuzela football/soccer horn resembling the sound of an elephant. (1) You can witness this first hand as you listen to frustrated parents proclaim to their children, “I can’t understand you when you whine,” or “I don’t speak whine.”
There is a purpose to whining and nature was not ill intended. Whining vocalizations are also found in other mammal species and are part of the instinctive and emotional etchings in the emotional system geared towards eliciting attention from others. In other words, if your child’s whining hijacks your attention system and stirs you up then this sounds about right. Whining is meant to get your attention but the question is why and what do our kids need from us?
The Emotional Driver Behind Whining
When a child is whining their emotional system is stirred up with frustration. Frustration is the emotion of change and it usually indicates a child wants something to change or something to stop – ironically, the same as the parent of that whining, frustrated child! Before tackling ‘what to do’ with a child’s whining we will need to make sense of the frustration that drives it.
Why do kids get frustrated? Because they want something we have said no to – like another cookie, staying up past bedtime, or wanting to play when we are busy making dinner. For the older child the whining may be about getting more screen time or to change our mind. A child can be frustrated because they are feeling sick and don’t have words for it or they had a hard day at school and are overwhelmed by it. The point is – there are too many sources of potential frustration to name and we don’t always have words for these experiences or conscious awareness. We don’t always know what our children’s emotional system is experiencing but we are meant to be cued to caring for it when it needs us most of all. What is clear is when our children are stirred up and frustrated, their whining is a call for parental action.
The problem with statements such as, “I don’t speak whine or can’t understand you,” is that it conveys to a child that you don’t know how to help them or you don’t care to unless they behave in a certain way. Frustration is a hard emotion to control at the best of times. It takes sophistication and strong development in the prefrontal areas of the brain, as well as caring feelings to temper one’s reaction in the face of it. Acting in a mature way when we are frustrated is a challenge for anyone – ask any frustrated parent of a whining child. It is natural for kids to struggle with a civilized response but it isn’t a problem when a 7 year old whines but certainly is when a 21 year old still does.
Coming Alongside and Transforming Frustration
There are two possible outcomes to frustration – we change something for a child or we help them accept what they cannot change. This last path often involves tears but if a child cannot feel their sadness about what cannot change then the whining will likely continue along with other frustrated actions. When we respond to a child who is whining, one of the things we want to avoid is adding to their frustration by letting our own frustration take the lead.
Whining is the emotion of frustration and in order to help draw it out, make room for it, get to the bottom of it, release and quell it, we will need to come alongside it. As Gordon Neufeld states, in coming alongside a child we purposively move ourselves into relationship with their emotions and try to put some words to them. The key issue with whining is we want to focus on the frustration and not the behaviour (which we often don’t want to condone), so as to normalize their feelings.
We can come alongside a child’s desire to see things change and help them effect change wherever we can. For example, we might say, “I can see you are tired and hungry, I am going to help you with that.” Sometimes we will need to come alongside the things that won’t change and normalize their feelings of frustration about this, for example, “I know you want to have more screen time and you are frustrated with my ‘no.’ You will have more screen time tomorrow, it is not going to happen right now and it’s okay to be disappointed about this.” When we are clear about what cannot change we invite a child’s emotional system to surrender their frustration to sadness. This typically isn’t a smooth transition by any stretch of the imagination and may take some time. As a child routinely faces things that are futile and realize they can survive all the no’s in their life, whining should abate around these issues.
When a child is up against the things they cannot change, it is only sadness that will release the emotional system from the whirring energy of whining. When tears fall, especially when they are invited by adults and acknowledged by them – the energy in the child will shift and the emotion of frustration is brought to rest. In other words, the transformation of frustration into sadness moves a child to accept what they cannot change and how they become increasingly resilient and resourceful.
It is ironic that in writing this article I experienced two different whining episodes from my own kids. Despite being able to make sense of it through developmental science, I have to confess it still feels like someone is taking a cheese grater to my limbic/emotional system. While knowledge helps buffer my annoyance, it doesn’t quell my stirred up emotional system and that is the whole point. What whining does is it motivates me to get to the bottom of my kid’s frustration and either change what isn’t working for them or help them find their tears about what cannot change. This is not a mistake in human emotional design but is part of the beautiful dance that is meant to tie parent and child together.
Interestingly, as one of my kids started whining, the other one turned to me and pleaded, “Just make her stop will you! That sound, I can’t handle it – she is so annoying!” This leads me to conclude that whining is annoying to everyone except the person doing it. If nature was so intent in ensuring whining grabs our attention, then perhaps we really need to find a way to listen and deal with all that is underneath it.
Reference
(1) Rosemarie Sokol Chang and Nicholas S. Thompson, “Whines, cries, and motherese: Their relative power to distract,” Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology 5 (2011): 131–41.
Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents and professionals based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency
There seems to be a lack of cultural wisdom as to the significance of tears in bringing a child to rest from the things they want but cannot have. While internet searches on tantrums top parenting concerns, the tears that are meant to quell futile pursuits or frustration seem invisible in importance. Yet it is tears that offer relief from the disappointments that are part of life, the upsets that will come, and the hurt that is felt. It is sad tears that signals a child has surrendered to the limits we impose on them such as no more cookies or ice cream, or our inability to fix or find something they want. Life is full of disappointment such as not being first, not winning, not getting what we want, and not being able to hold onto the people you want to stay close to. Tears are the ultimate answer and resolution to the frustration that comes in the face of life’s futilities. As Althea Solter states, “When children cry the hurt has already happened. Crying is not the hurt but the process of being unhurt.”
All tears are not created equal – there is a difference between mad tears and sad ones. It is sad tears that underlie adaptation and resiliency. Sad tears are the ones cried in response to realizing something cannot be changed. It is where frustration melts into surrender, where whining or attacking energy subsides and there is rest from futile pursuits. It is here resiliency is born in realizing you can survive not getting what you want. Mad tears on the other hand, are fuelled by foul frustration and common in young kids with each one having their own signature move(s) including: kicks, hits, screams, pinches, bites, with sensitive ones prone to attacking oneself. When we focus on a child’s attacks we miss the frustration that is driving it, and with that, an opportunity to melt their frustration into tears of sadness.
By the time a child is 4, physical forms of attack may start to be replaced with words instead – a good sign indeed! It means they have developed the capacity to use words to express their emotions instead of physical means. It’s important to remember they won’t have self-control when they are emotionally charged until the ages of 5 to 7 with ideal development – and more like 7 to 9 for more sensitive kids. When a child is full of foul frustration, it is only their sad tears that will bring rest and emotional balance to their system again.
The Science of Tears
William Frey, a well-known researcher who has studied the chemical composition of tears states sad tears are not benign like the ones we cry when cutting onions. Our sad tears are full of toxic proteins that are being shed by the body for the purpose of bringing the emotional system back into balance (1). Ad Vingerhoet’s book, Why Only Humans Weep, pulls together the science of crying and the complex interactions in the body (2). The nervous system is responsible for allowing tears to flow and the experience of rest with special neurotransmitters governing this interaction. When the futility of something registers in the amygdala in the limbic system, it shifts gears in the nervous system and the parasympathetic system is activated. Tears may fall or disappointment and sadness will be experienced. These states are also accompanied by a release of oxytocin, the attachment chemical that dampens the biological stress chemical of cortisol. When children cry and receive comfort from attachment figures, it is their engagement that increases oxytocin levels and decrease stress related ones. Tears are not a problem but a child’s signal to us that they are having one so they get the support they need.
If a child has lost their capacity to express sadness or does not show upset, disappointment, or talk of being lonely or scared, we should be concerned. The expression of tears or sadness is key to taking stock of a child’s vulnerable emotions and whether they experience them. If you don’t feel sad, then caring may also be inhibited too. This isn’t a mistake in the child but a response to an environment that is too wounding, thus emotional defenses have been erected by the brain (4). A child who has stuck tears will be frustrated – a lot – with attacking behaviour often present. In such cases, when an adult focuses on the attacking behaviour with punishment, it will further exacerbate the frustration and attacking emotional energy. What is needed is to come back to the emotion that is driving the attacking behaviour – to the roots of frustration that is fuelling it.
Adults as the Ultimate Comforters
Our role in helping our children’s tears flow is to accept that they need to come out. Our focus on reason and rationale is lost on them, it is about their hurt feelings and disappointments. It is about the generous invitation they need from us to welcome their tears and all that it means for them. While we might not see a broken toy, losing a game, not getting another cookie as a big deal – it is for them – especially the first time around. What they need from us is room for their tears to fall and their disappointment to be felt in a non-shaming or non-punitive environment. They don’t need our discomfort with their upset to stop what must come out of them. They need adults who can hold onto them through the emotional storms so that mad can turn into sad as they accept the limits and restrictions they are up against. It is in how we offer a hug or soft words, a warm presence, an invitation to be close and room to cry, and patience to wait it out. It is in these tears where transformation and adaptation occur – where they realize they can survive what didn’t work, can’t work, won’t work, or shouldn’t work – and that they are okay despite this. It might be cookies and ice cream today but it paves the way for the big disappointments that will come – a poor grade, a job they don’t get, to loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
Young children weren’t meant to take care of their feelings, they are just starting to learn names for them. We need to stop outsourcing our responsibility for a child’s upset onto their shoulders with statements such as, “control your temper,” “calm down,” “why can’t you figure this out,” “I have told you a hundred times,” “stop being like that,” “cut-it-out,” “you need to think more positively,” or the classic line, “why are you crying – I’ll give you something to cry about.” We need to step in to take care of their frustration and tears, they are the clearest signals to us they need help. Helping a child understand what is behind their tears is the goal but they will not lower their emotional defenses for just anyone.
What we do in the face of our children’s tears, both mad and sad ones, will communicate to them what type of caretaker we are and whether we can be trusted to take care of their heart. Can they trust us with their hurt feelings? Can they trust us to guide them through their foul frustration to their tears? If we can’t hold onto them through these storms then they will not hold onto us. We cannot guide a child towards maturity if they don’t follow us.
What I find truly ironic is that when we make room for our children’s tears we will find that it transforms us too. When we have to stretch emotionally to make room for the emotions our children stir up in us, it grows us up. Our love for them can make us more emotionally mature by forcing us to temper our strong reactions. If you have ever had to hold onto your frustration in the face of your child’s, you will know exactly what I mean. My hope would be that when we are faced with our children’s tears we would be close enough to our own so that we would instinctively know what they needed most from us.
(1) Aletha Solter, “Understanding tears and tantrums,” Young Children 47, no. 4 (1992): 64–68.
(2) William H. Frey and Muriel Langseth, Crying: The Mystery of Tears (Minneapolis, MN: Winston Press, 1985).
(3) Ad Vingerhoets, Why Only Humans Weep: Unravelling the Mysteries of Tears (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2013).
(4) Gordon Neufeld, Making Sense of Kids Course, (Vancouver: Neufeld Institute, 2013).
Copyright 2016 Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Deborah is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Leading a Sensitive Child into Vulnerable Territory
One of the key challenges faced by parents raising a sensitive child is leading them into vulnerable territory. They may try to avert attention away from difficult topics, erupt in silliness when facing something that is emotionally charged, or just tell you, “I don’t want to talk about it.” The goal is not to push a sensitive child into vulnerable territory but to read their needs and lead them there gently.
Approximately 15 to 20% of children fall on the sensitivity spectrum and are more likely to be affected by environmental stimuli (1). Their experience of the world is heightened given their enhanced receptivity to it, with some unable to filter out irrelevant information. It is as if they were born with a thinner skin and are not buffered against the noise, sights, and sensations that bombard and overwhelm them. As a result, things that are distressing can be felt more intensely with big reactions potentially ensuing. They are typically difficult to draw out when it comes to talking about emotionally charged subjects. Research on sensitivity has linked it with an increased likelihood of mental health and addiction issues with heightened emotionally vulnerability playing a key role in these challenges (2). The same research also demonstrates that when sensitive kids are afforded good home environments they can thrive and flourish.
Four Strategies to Support Sensitive Kids
There are number of strategies parents can employ that will help lead their sensitive kids into vulnerable territory when needed (3). It starts with having at least one person with whom they have a strong relationship with and who is able to make some sense of their big internal world. What they need most of all are adults who won’t shame or hold their intense reactions against them.
- Shield and Protect
One of the common mistakes made with sensitive kids is treating them as if they were the same as other children. It is important to consider when to shield and protect them from experiences that would be too overwhelming and stressful and not push them to be like other kids. Sensitive kids do not have a ‘skin’ to buffer against the outside world so a caring adult will need to play this role. If too much stimulation or distressing situations are pushed on them, it can overload them with thoughts and feelings giving rise to frustration and alarm type reactions. There will be times to introduce a child to new things and times to recognize when it is too much, such as watching scary movies, going to parties with lots of people and noise, or being left on their own in structured activities when younger. Every sensitive child is different and needs at least one strong caretaker who can read their needs and take the lead in shielding and protecting them.
- Cultivate Resilience to Match Sensitivity
While our children may be born sensitive, it is their environment that can help them develop the resiliency that will match their sensitivity levels. While we need to shield them from stress that is too overwhelming, we don’t want to remove all upset from their life. They don’t need to be toughened up, they just need to face things that are disappointing, that can’t be changed, and to feel vulnerable feelings and realize they can survive this. Sometimes we need to wait for the intensity of their experience to subside and to come back to them later. As we circle back around to incidents we can tell them we will make it easy for them to hear what we have to say.
Sensitive kids will need to have a good relationship with their tears as there are often many things that frustrate them and need adapting to. Sometimes it is very hard to hear ‘no’ answers to their requests, especially when they have strong desires that drive them. They need caretakers who can invite, accept, support, and make room for their big feelings to be expressed in ways that preserve the child’s dignity and keep others safe. They don’t need to be ‘calmed down’ but allowed to express what is inside of them. Signs that a sensitive child is stuck emotionally may include not being able to cry tears or express sadness and disappointment, regression in their self-control, increased frustration and aggression, as well as elevated resistance and opposition. If they get stuck, it is time to consider how to increase attachment and reduce separation, using one’s caretaking to resuscitate their emotional systems.
3. Stay in the Lead
Sensitive kids can have big emotional reactions, which can confound and displace their caretakers. Sometimes they feel intimidating to care for, that they are too much to handle, or that a parent doesn’t know what to do with them. Conveying they are too much to handle does little to convey confidence in a caretaker to lead them through vulnerable emotions. The child’s brain may move to press down or inhibit these feelings in order to make the relationship work for the parent, possibly leading to escalation’s of erupting emotion at other times. If we convey to a child they are too much, it can interfere with feeling they can be cared for by us. We need to seize the lead in caring for them, read their needs, work ahead of problems to ensure they can navigate through without overwhelm and high alarm, all while ensuring they are not spared upset. It is a delicate dance to be sure, but one that is possible when you make sense of your sensitive child and truly understand what they need most from you.
- Create Opportunities for More Expressive Activities
Given the busy internal world of the sensitive child, there is a commensurate need for expression in order to balance out their emotional systems. They often need more expressive activities such as art, drawing, music, building, creating, moving, dancing, or writing in order to provide emotional stability. Being able to play where there are no expectations on performance or outcomes helps draw out their internal world and release emotional energy. Sometimes there are no words for their experiences but it is in play where they can express the world that is stirred up inside of them. Play should offer a sensitive child a safe space where vulnerable feelings can be felt and expressed without facing any repercussions for their behaviour.
If we want to understand the emotional world of our sensitive kids we will need to be patient and to watch, listen, make sense of, and give room for their feelings and emotions to be expressed. They cannot be pushed or hurried through their upset and sometimes they will need a shield to buffer them against too much distress, especially until their resiliency can be cultivated. What they need most from us is to realize there is nothing wrong with being more intense in one’s reactions or easily stirred up with vulnerable emotions. When a sensitive child gives their heart to us for safe keeping we will be trusted to lead them through the emotional storms that are part of life.
Notes
(1) Boyce, T. (2014). Orchid children and the science of kindness. Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education, Vancouver, BC. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mSrc0GFpJw
(2) Ellis, B.J., Boyce, W. T. (2005). Biologial sensitivity to context: Empirical explorations of an evolutionaly-developmental theory. Development and Psychopathology. V. 17,(2), pp. 303-328.
(3) Neufeld, G. The Power to Parent III: Common Challenges, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, neufeldinstitute.org
Copyright 2016 Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Deborah is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Hardened or Hardy? Holding Onto Kid’s Hearts
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld states there is a difference between a hardened heart, which does not feel vulnerable emotion, and one that is hardy and feels a lot. (1) Those with hardened hearts seem impervious to pain and suffering, withstand emotional wounding, exhibit invulnerability, and are short on empathy or caring for others. People with hardy hearts feel and express their vulnerable emotions such as sadness, caring, fear, shame, disappointment, or dependence, and continue to thrive despite facing adversity. The absence of vulnerable emotion is not a sign of health but one of human stuckness.
The human being is built to care deeply and an absence of caring is indicative of an emotional problem. Research on empathy in youth by Sara Konrath found a 48% decline today in comparison to 30 years ago, as well as a 30% decline in their capacity to consider other people’s perspectives.(2) There are increasing signs our childrens caring and empathy is going missing, along with their tears. Statements such as – “I don’t care,” or “It doesn’t matter,” or “whatever” pervade youth culture and have become too common. As guardians of our children’s hearts we need to take a step back and ask why? Where are their vulnerable feelings going and how can we keep their hearts soft?
The Neuroscience Behind Soft Hearts
Neuroscience is now paving the way to support what Freud once postulated – the emotional system is capable of defending the human heart from too much distress (3). When the emotional system is overloaded it will spontaneously evoke defenses to numb out, tune out and detach from the things that evoke vulnerable feelings. In other words, whatever we don’t see or feel can’t hurt us. This is not a sign of a brain performing poorly but a strategic move that allows someone to function and survive wounding environments. The problem is it takes all emotional expression with it – including love.
The capacity to feel is what fuels growth and makes us fully human and humane. The problem is that when vulnerable feelings go missing, the resulting behaviour will often lack caring and consideration. A child may seem to lack fear or isn’t moved to caution when they should be. They seem less conscientious, more easily frustrated, distracted and restless. There is usually an absence of tears indicating sadness and a lack of remorse or shame. When the human heart is defended against feelings, we often miss what has gone missing and become preoccupied with uncaring behaviour.
The clearest sign our children are under emotional distress is when their vulnerable feelings are no longer palpable. It means their brain is equipping them to deal with a world that is too wounding or too much for their heart to bear. A child who cries and tells you they are sad, afraid or even worried isn’t in trouble emotionally despite the troubles they face. Their upset is a sign their emotional system is working hard to find an answer to the distress they are under.
It was never our job as parents to calm kids down but to restore emotional balance and to transform their feelings when needed. The kids who lack upset, who appear to be the most ‘calm’ or quiet may actually be the ones who are the most defended against their vulnerable emotions. I don’t long for calm in my children but the emotional storms that are part of life so that I can help their heart understand it can survive distress. Our children will face adversity – they just weren’t meant to face it alone and if there were one secret to keeping their hearts soft it would be this.
How Can We Keep our Children’s Hearts Soft?
While the brain is able to erect emotional defences to preserve the heart, there is a stronger force that can keep it safe. The answer lies in human attachment. It is human relationships that have the power to heal and preserve the heart. The challenge is we cannot take care of a child’s heart if they have not given it to us.
The path to a child’s heart is through extending an invitation for connection that is generous, warm, and unwavering despite conduct and performance. While we may need to be firm on a child’s behaviour, we are soft on the relationship and seek to preserve this most of all. There are many ways to preserve our children’s soft heart but the following five are some of the most effective ways of doing so.
- Shield a Child’s Heart with a Safe Attachment
The world is a wounding place – our children will face rejection, taunting, separation, shame, failure, and places where they are not invited. What they cannot endure is facing these things on their own. Their hearts are too vulnerable when left unattended. Whoever a child gives their heart too has the power to protect them with their own – it is a brilliant design. What matters most is who a child tells their secrets too, who they trust to lead them, and who they seek comfort from. We need to cultivate deep relationships with our children. We need to hold onto our kids all the way into adolescence so their hearts seek home when they are most lost.
- Lead the Child Into Vulnerable Territory
We will lead our children to their emotions when we convey there is value in being vulnerable and reflecting openness to hearing their feelings. If children are mocked or their feelings discounted, it will do little to suggest there is safety for their heart contents. When we reflect on a child’s experiences, we are inviting them to share what weighs them down. For example, when my children talk about kids who are struggling with behaviour I often ask them what they think is going on for that child? They are often astute in saying a child needs attention, is struggling to fit in, or that their parent pressures them to succeed in school. By asking our children to pause and reflect on how emotions and feelings impact behaviour, we convey that there is more than just what meets the eye. We cue them to consider the source of emotional distress and to give words to the vulnerability inherent in being fully human.
- Protect the Child Against Experiences that are Too Much to Bear
Part of preserving emotional well-being is knowing when to protect a child from experiences that are too wounding. This does not mean we shield them from facing upset but recognize that some wounds are too big and are best avoided. In other words, if a child requires emotional defences to live in their world and there is a clear absence of feelings – then we may need to change their world in order to restore emotional functioning.
For example, if a child is attached to friends who are routinely wounding we will need to thwart contact, build strong adult relationships for the child, and court healthier peer relationships. We may try and move the child into hierarchical peer relationships where they are cared for by older kids and become a caretaker figure to younger ones. When their world is too wounding, adults cannot stand idly by but must take an active role in shielding a child’s heart.
- Immunize Them Against Experiences that Cannot be Avoided
When our children have to face things that are adverse such as taking a test they are afraid of, getting a needle, or having to separate to go to another parent’s house, we need to prepare their heart for what will come. In the days ahead of the event we can mention that something will come to pass and as they seem upset we can help draw out their vulnerable feelings. As they face their distress in small bite sized pieces, they will be better able to face the event when it happens. The separation to another’s parent’s house is tempered with tears of upset that have already been shed and acknowledged. Small doses of upset better immunize a child against the big upsets that are ahead.
- Lead them to their Tears and Cultivate Resilience
When our children are up against the things that cannot change and cause distress – a friend that is uncaring, a pet that has died, a bad mark, and a parent that travels or lives in another house – we need to help them find their tears. Feelings of upset or alarm need to be transformed rather than calmed down. Frustration and alarm need to melt into tears of sadness where there is release and rest.
Resilience is cultivated when our children are led to their tears and realize they can survive things not going their way or that hurt them. When we are able to cry with someone and they bear witness to our feelings, there is often healing. This is why we need to lead our children to their tears and not be afraid of the upset that will ensue.
Why are some children far less wounded and hurt than others? Because they have human shields that are cultivated and strengthened by love. When adults become guardians of a child’s heart, the need for emotional defenses is lessened. This is why children need strong caring relationships to tether themselves too as this preserves and protects their soft hearts. While caring deeply about others sets us up to get hurt, it also has the power to save us.
References
- Gordon Neufeld, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids, 2013, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, www.neufeldinstitute.org
- Michael Resnick, Marjorie Ireland, and Iris Borowsky, “Youth violence perpetration: What protects? What predicts? Findings from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health,” Journal of Adolescent Health: Official Publication of the Society for Adolescent Medicine 35 (2004): 424.
- Mark Solms and Oliver Turnbull, The Brain and the Inner World: An Introduction to the Neuroscience of Subjective Experience, New York: Other Press, 2002, p. 104.
Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara
Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counsellor and educator, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and author of Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She has more than 25 years experience working with children, youth, and adults and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, childcare providers, educators, and mental health professionals. Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org.
The Emotional Lives of Young Children
Young children have the unique capacity to display a range of emotions in a matter of minutes. They can go from happy to sad, anxious to frustrated before you finish your morning coffee. They are everything but predictable. Tragically, there are alarming signs we are falling short in helping our children understand their rich, diverse and big emotional worlds. We have escalating rates of anxiety, attention problems, addiction, aggression, and dominance problems in our children today. In fact, the World Health Organization says that anxiety is the biggest mental health issue in children aged 4 to 17 worldwide. In light of these findings, the question we ought to be considering is what is the role of a parent in helping their child understand their feelings? Furthermore, how do we help them learn to share them in a responsible way?
Part of the challenge in making headway is that parents receive diverging opinions from ‘experts’ on how to ‘manage’ children’s emotions. Some suggest we should ignore a temper tantrum in order to extinguish it while others would argue for supporting the child and helping them find their tears. How can parents find their way with such divergence in the parenting literature? The answer lies in understanding the current findings on emotional health and maturity based on developmental science.
The good news is that young children are some of the easiest people to understand in terms of their emotional states. Their bodies reflect happiness, their feet jump when excited, and they may wave their arms or scream when frustrated. How a young child is feeling is usually on display for everyone to see. The challenge for parents is that emotional expression can be big, intense, loud, messy, chaotic, and come at the most inconvenient times. Why is it that temper tantrums are unleashed in grocery stores or resistance appears when you need to hurry and leave for school? The question on every parent’s mind in these moments is “what do I do when my child is coming undone emotionally?”
Three Keys to Emotional Health and Maturity
One of the three keys to emotional health and maturity is expression. If we are going to help our children learn a language of the heart and be able to share feelings in a responsible way, they need to have a relationship with their emotions. Being able to express one’s feelings is critical but we do not share our heart contents with just anyone. Being attached to someone is a prerequisite to learning words for emotional states and the sharing of feelings.
There are many things that interfere with a child’s expression of emotion and a lot of them stem from repeated messages to calm down. We often communicate to our kids that they are too upset, too loud, too alarmed or frustrated. There is a myth that if we give them room to express theire emotions they will never learn to express themselves differently. What is true is that is if they cannot first express their emotional world as it appears to them, they will never come to form a language around it. You cannot have a relationship with something you do not understand nor make decisions to act differently without awareness. For example, if we cannot first express we are frustrated, how will we ever find our words for what is frustrating us? Emotional expression must come first because we cannot understand something that isn’t welcomed into existence or that we are shamed of. If we are upset, the worst thing someone can say to us is – “don’t be upset.” When your feelings are negated, countered, or discounted, it will only serve to create additional emotions to have to deal with.
Helping to giving children names for their emotional state and coming alongside their big feelings is key. When we give them a word to understand what they are feeling we help move their expression from physical forms to verbal forms. Young children are impulsive and ego-centric by nature, it will be up to us to keep other’s safe when they are needing to get their big feelings out.We need to help our children express themselves but the challenge is when our children are exhibiting strong feelings it will undoubtedly also activate our own strong feelings. Our own emotional reactions can serve to get in the way of helping them understand their feelings.
The end goal is to help our children share their hearts content in a mature way but before our kids can get there, the building blocks of emotional health and maturity must be supported by parents. Not only do our children need to express their emotions but also feel them in a vulnerable way. The capacity to feel deeply and to care is one of the oldest and most important feelings in terms of overall health and maturity.
Our children need to feel sad, sacred, frustrated and to not be talked out of these feelings, distracted or prevented from getting there because they make us feel uncomfortable. How can we ever begin to help our children move through their sadness if we are too uncomfortable with their upset? There are many times we want to fix or make things different for them when in fact, it is just a sad part of life. There are birthday parties they don’t get invited to, friends that don’t want to play, and things that get broken or lost. It is not our job to shield them from these life experiences but to help them go through them in a vulnerable way. We need to help them express their sadness, find words for it, and have tears for what has been lost. This is how we were meant to help them navigate their emotional landscape. We weren’t meant to fix their feelings but help them move through them in a vulnerable way. It is this process most of all that builds resilience, confidence, and resourcefulness as they engage in their world fully.
The final key to emotional health and maturity is self-control but this unfolds in a healthy child between the years of 5 to 7. If a child experiences their world intensely and shows signs of sensitivity, this may be delayed to 7 to 9 years of age. Their brain needs sufficient development in order to carry two conflicting signals that create tension inside of them. It is this tension – ‘to throw the train or to use their words instead’ – that allows for a more tempered child to emerge. Emotions are strong forces that propel us forward and the only thing that will hold them at bay is another emotion that conflicts with it. Young children are known for being able to only do one thing at a time, one feeling at a time. Self-control over emotional content is a developmental milestone and cannot be hurried or pushed along. Young children need to be given room to express themselves, feel their feelings in a vulnerable way, and be given time to grow the neurological underpinnings that will carry conflicting emotional messages.
Young children do not understand their emotions and need adult assistance in guiding them through this foreign land. There is much we can do to help their emotional health and maturity along and many popular parenting practices are getting in the way of this growth. It starts with helping them express their feelings and culminates with self-control. The problem is that so much of our efforts today push for self-control and emotional restraint. Children need to first understand who they are and have words for the emotions that stir within them. It is only by knowing themselves that they can then start to understand the world of others. Responsible sharing and self control around emotional content is the fruit that comes with growth and maturity. When it comes to young children it starts with allowing those big feelings to come out, helping them find names for their emotions, and experiencing them in a vulnerable way.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.
The Roots of Resilience and Recovery
At the heart of raising resilient children is understanding that our job as parents is not to make everything work for them but to help them with the things that don’t work. We are in a unique position as their caretakers to help them thrive despite facing disappointment and adversity.
Discoveries in neuroscience have shown us that our adaptation is not the result of logic but of emotion. It is about being able to surrender when facing something that doesn’t work, like a job we don’t get, a test we do poorly on or a friend who doesn’t want to play with us. When we are faced with that which is futile, there is nothing left to do but feel tremendous sadness and disappointment. Our limbic system may send signals to the lacrimal glands and the eyes may begin to water. 
There are many types of tears, those of pain, anger, joy, and even those cried to onions. The type of tears we shed are important. The tears shed in surrender to the things we cannot change such as losing or rejection are significantly different. In fact, they serve to cleanse the body of all the big emotions that have been stirred up. When tears of futility are put under the microscope, there are enough toxic proteins in them to kill a small rodent.
The irony is our strength comes from our vulnerability. Not only can we be wounded deeply by others and overall life experiences but it is this capacity to feel that is at the heart of healing. By finding our tears, we can find our way through and can adapt. Resilience comes from knowing you can survive when things don’t go your way.
So how do we help our children find their tears of surrender when they are up against things that will not go their way, for example, getting another cookie? As parents we take up dual roles of agent of futility and angel of comfort, presenting to the child what won’t work or can’t work while also comforting them. The child might ask, “Can I have another cookie?” and if your answer is no then we present them with this futility. The reasons for the lack of a cookie is not necessary as our logical answers only court a child debating with us. For example, if you start a discussion about how “it will spoil your dinner” they will of course reply, “no it won’t” and we end up in a circular conversation aimed at changing our mind. While presenting futility we also offer comfort, “I know you like these cookies, I understand you are upset,” and when they then ask “can I have a cookie then?” we still come back with “no more cookies,” until the tears of acceptance come and they are at rest again.
Parents sometimes tell me that it seems like we are provoking a child. I know that until a child has had their tears about that which they cannot change, i.e. have another cookie, there is no rest from this pursuit. They will go on and on in their pursuit of the cookie, be filled with frustration, even lash out in anger until their limbic system registers the futility and they start to cry tears of surrender about the cookie that will not be.
A parent once said to me, “So you want me to let my 5-year old son lose at chess to help him build resilience?” I replied that I would much rather my child learn they won’t always be first or the smartest from me than to learn this from their peers. We need to make room for their disappointment and collect their tears so they can realize they can survive.
Futilities and adversity exist and abound in our lives. Our strength lies in our vulnerability. To feel deep sadness when facing futility is the essence of adaptation and recovery. When we grieve what will never be it allows us to open the door to what can be. In its wake a sense of resilience forms, these are the gifts of our tears.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.