Leading Our Kids Back To School
Re-entry has begun and we are now preparing to return to parts of our lives, like work and schooling, without knowing exactly what this looks like. How do we lead our children? What do they need from us? Can they adapt to the new realities of social distancing at schools and will this create anxiety and emotional problems for them? These are just a few of the questions I have been asked by parents but center around the question of – how do I lead my child(ren) back to school?
Will our kids feel safe?
Safety is an illusion and telling our children that they won’t get covid, or that we won’t get covid is not the best way to make them feel safe. Safety has much less to do with their surroundings and more to do with their connection to adults. Assuring our children that they will be ‘okay’ is far less effective when it comes to feeling secure than making sure they feel taken care of by us. In order to understand why this is so we will need to understand something about attachment and why it matters to kids.
Children are not able to take care of themselves and they can’t make sense of the world like an adult does. It is their dependency on adults that makes them feel secure as they look to them for protection, guidance, and direction. The relationship with an adult is like an emotional bubble that preserves the child’s heart. When a child is afraid, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it is this relational bubble that can provide a safe place to retreat to. Home is where the heart is, and we need our children to give their hearts to us for safe keeping.
A child doesn’t feel lost when they can count on their adults to show up for them and to lead. It doesn’t mean that all the threats in their life disappear and that they can’t be hurt, but that they are shielded from this reality as they trust their adults to lead and to provide for them. Where they are confused, they should look to their adults to lead the way and for their adults to be responsible for figuring out issues of safety.
How can parents and teachers lead?
- We can work on taking care of our kids by being their compass point, caring for them in unexpected ways, providing more than they seek, listening with our full attention, and taking the lead in feeding them
- We can take the lead in matchmaking our kids to their teachers and strengthening that connection. We can remind our children that their teachers have missed them and can be trusted to lean on.
- We don’t know all of the details about what school will look like as they re-enter, but we can direct them to their teacher who will tell them what they need to know
- We can’t say ‘everything will be okay’ as we can’t know the future but we can say that we will take care of them and they can count on that
If there was ever a time that we needed our children to rest in our care, it is now. We need to work to strengthen and preserve our relationship with them, providing more contact and closeness than they ask for and being generous in our capacity to make room for their big emotions like frustration, resistance, and fear. We need to take the lead and make decisions about schooling and whether to send them back to school.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to lead when we are full of doubts. Leadership can feel lonely and we may feel guilty as well. These are the emotions that come with parenting and we can care for our kids and lead them through these challenging times, despite all that we are feeling.
How will our kids adjust to the new restrictions and rules around social distancing?
The question of how classrooms will look and whether our children will adjust to them is understandably a big concern for parents. Schools and teachers have been working hard trying to figure these things out and should have started communicating the changes that have been put into place to parents. We can help orient our children to the changes by following the lead of the school and sharing the information they provide, for example, what supplies they can bring to school, guidelines for eating lunch, washing hands, and playing.
When we communicate information to a child that might alarm them it is best to do this in a matter of fact and non-alarming tone and manner. For example, this is how flight attendants give safety demonstrations on planes and it is how we lead our children through fire drills, lock down drills, and earthquake preparedness. Simple scripts and directions help to reduce fear and give the child a sense of agency.
One of the ways schools will be helping children adjust to the new rules around social distancing is by taking a playful approach. For example, we can sing songs to know how long to wash our hands to using hula hoops to understand social distancing. These playful approaches are strategic in helping kids adapt to new rules, experience less fear, and be less resistant to changes. Some parents might be concerned that schools aren’t taking matters more ‘seriously’ but we need to remember that play promotes feelings of safety and rest. It will take the attention off the risks and put the focus on the rules which will help our kids adjust to the new safety measures at school.
How can parents and teachers lead?
- Support play as a way to learn about social distancing and the new rules and restrictions
- Show support for the school and teachers by positively addressing the changes they have made
- If you have concerns about the changes at the school then direct these to the appropriate adults without your child’s involvement or awareness. It is key that your child trusts their teacher even if you are working through your concerns with the school
- Matchmake your child to their teacher and the school by affirming that their teacher will take care of them
Will this impact their emotional well-being and create anxiety?
Some parents are concerned that sending their child to school will create anxiety and stress. To answer this question, we will first need to consider where anxiety and stress comes from. Stress arises when you are emotionally overloaded and can’t make sense of everything in your life, and anxiety is a sure sign of this. It is important to remember that it isn’t school that is stressful per se (although there will be stressors there for sure), but that it creates separation from home and their trusted adults. Separation anxiety is from alarm at being disconnected from their caregivers and leads the child to question- “Who will take care of me now?”
If a child trusts their teacher and the adults at school to care for them then the separation from home won’t be as alarming and they will feel ‘safer’ in the care of their teachers and school. Kids feel highly alarmed when they anticipate the world is going to hurt them and there are no adults to support or take care of them. The answer is to foster a strong relationship with their teacher and make a seamless attachment team between the home and school. Parents can bridge the distance by giving the child something to hold onto that represents their relationship – a reminder of what they will do after school, an invisible string that connects them, to a picture of their family in their lunch box.
Our children can also be experiencing a range of emotions as a result of all the changes in their life. There may be frustration that they can’t be with their friends, play where they want to, and have a limited space to move in. They may be resistant to go back to school because they have enjoyed the extra time to play and the freedom from doing work while at home. Some kids are excited to go back to school and see people whereas some of our children are worried they will get sick with covid. What is the answer to all of our children’s emotions?
Emotional health and well-being requires emotional expression and for kids it helps to have someone who will listen to you. We can help our kids talk to us by acknowledging the frustration or sadness they are experiencing. Sometimes parents are worried that if they allow their children to feel sad or worried then it will never stop and their child will just ‘learn’ to be this way. This is not accurate and the more we tell someone NOT to feel, the more feelings it will create. Emotions are not right or wrong, good or bad. Emotions are here to serve us and have an intelligence all on their own. The challenge is being patient with our kid’s feelings and giving them enough room to express them.
Many parents ask how they can get their child to talk to them and the answer lies again in your connection. Find some time to spend with them one on one and just enjoy being with them. As you play together, share a hobby, or go outside together, listen with your undivided attention. Be neutral as they share their ideas and feelings with you, acknowledging how they feel – rather than how you feel about how they are feeling. When children feel the conversation has become about meeting the parents needs, they can stop talking.
If words are hard to find then play is a wonderful place to soften feelings. The very nature of play – not being real or requiring you to work at a problem, allows for feelings to be expressed without words nor consciousness. If a child is frustrated then play that changes things such as building things, destroying, putting together, taking apart, mock aggression, wrestling, arts and crafts may be helpful. If a child is alarmed you may want to play more hide and seek, building forts and hideaways, monster games, chase and so on. If your child has few words, then lead them to their expressive play.
We will likely have to make some room for frustration and some tears too. There are so many futilities that come with the changes at school – from social distancing, to missing home, that our children may be emotionally charged and on need of release. Part of the “emotional homework’ we do with our kids is to help them express what didn’t work and lead them through frustration and to disappointment and sadness. Sometimes there are many things we cannot change but we can adapt and adjust if we make room for emotion.
How can parents and teachers lead?
- Bridge the home to school divide by giving your child something to hold onto that represents your relationship (i.e., what you will do after school, a picture in their lunch box
- Listen to your child with your undivided attention and make time to just be together
- Don’t judge how your child is feeling, and don’t act defensively about what they are telling you, or try to talk them out of their emotions
- If your child is resistant to go to school you might need to explore why, come alongside their lack of desire to return, and perhaps have some tears about it
- Make room for play – especially after school which can help provide some emotional discharge
- Tears can be helpful in releasing alarm and you can support your child this way by naming the things that are frustrating and acknowledge how sad it is
- Hold onto your relationship with your child and use this as the safe vehicle to help them express what is stirring them up inside
What about learning?
There is an order to what is most important when you are under stress. Relationship comes first, with play and tears next. Learning happens best when we feel safe in our relationship with adults or when we are at play. Helping our kids feel safe again at school, making sure they trust in their teacher to care for them, and getting our children to express themselves emotionally, are all things that must take precedence over learning.
Learning is easy when kids feel safe. Learning is hard when a child’s brain is preoccupied with questions of security and when it is emotionally overloaded. If we work to create the rest our kids need then the learning will come.
At this time the world may feel out of sorts and upside down for a child and our priority is to make them feel at home again with the adults who are there to care for them. Humans are resourceful, resilient, and amazing in their capacity to care for each other. With enough patience and focusing on what matters most of all, we can carry our children through this storm, taking comfort they are shielded from the worst because we are taking the lead.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.
Ten Things Teachers Need Most From Parents
As a teacher, I used to look forward to September despite the typical back to school nightmares that would visit me before classes started. There were phones that I couldn’t call out on, students that I lost, or lesson plans I couldn’t remember. Besides the imagined horrors that never came to pass, I still felt there was something special about the start of a new academic year, such as meeting new students or contemplating the challenge of helping them learn.
While my summers involved curriculum revisions and creating new lesson plans, I knew many of my students were likely groaning as their summer came to an end. I was never bothered by this and believed that with time, they would love being back at school again.
After a month into the school year, I would be reminded of how learning isn’t just influenced by me, the classroom, the tools, or curriculum I had. While teachers are responsible for creating a productive learning environment, parents play a critical role in ensuring a child shows up at school ready to learn.
From a teacher’s perspective, there are many ways parents can contribute to a child’s success at school. While many of them are common sense, they are routinely eclipsed by more academic concerns and go undervalued. The bottom line is this – when home and school work together, the learning outcomes for kids are exponential.
1. Normalize and support the challenges that come with learning –
So much of learning involves being placed outside of the comfort of ‘what you know.’ Learning is about being stretched and pulled a little, drawn into discovery and inquiry, taking apart what you know and putting it back together again, and being changed by the whole process. But all of this may create some discomfort as one moves to a place that isn’t certain, is vulnerable, and new.
I used to tell my students that if a teacher cares about their learning then they should feel challenged by this teacher. It was the student’s duty not to take offence but to realize the gift in having someone believe they are capable of learning and stretching.
A parent can help a child embrace feelings of discomfort and normalize these emotions as part of the learning process. It is important not to always try and ‘rescue’ a child nor prevent the discomfort that is part of learning process, but convey that you believe they will get there eventually and are there to help. Similarly, faulting a teacher because learning is hard doesn’t support the child’s relationship with the teacher nor convey faith in a child to overcome the challenge that is before them.
There are also times when kids need adult support and interventions to help identify and overcome their learning challenges. This type of support is made all the better when there is a good working relationship between a teacher and a parent.
2. Help your child adapt –
There are a lot of things at school that won’t go a child’s way – like recess breaks that end too soon, being one of many students with different needs and wants, having to wait for others, as well as following someone else’s rules. School represents many futilities that are part of life and beyond one’s control. Some kids seem more adaptable than others and part of this rests on the support they have at home.
Grumpiness is often a signal that a child is up against some frustration around things that are not going their way. They may unleash their frustration on siblings and loved ones, making after school tantrums frequent. Helping them find some words for their experiences and guiding them to express what doesn’t work can reduce frustration and help them adapt. Tears may be part of the process too, and we may need to support them in surrendering to the things they cannot change with warmth and patience.
3. Keep your relationship with your kid(s) strong –
When kids have strong caring relationships with adults at home, they are less likely to arrive at school ‘hungry’ for attachment. When they are not preoccupied with getting their relational needs met through friends, they will be better able to focus, won’t seek unhealthy connections to their peers, and will be less vulnerable to rejection and wounding from other kids.
One of the greatest challenges in classrooms today stem from peer orientation and the dynamics that play out when kids solely come to school to be with their friends. Adults are often seen as secondary to their school day, lesson plans are an inconvenience, and they share the same values as their peer group instead of the school culture. When peers replace adults, kids lose out on learning. If parents can hold onto a strong relationship with their kids then it frees their child to have healthy peer relationships, and to follow and learn from the adults in a school environment.
4. Match-make a child to their teacher and school –
When kids see that their parents like their school and teacher, it can go a long way to helping them trust their adults at school. Parents need to take an active role and play matchmaker with the teacher by arranging for an introduction (if possible), speaking with warmth about the teacher, conveying trust in them, orienting them to the school culture and rules, and ensuring that the relationship with their teacher stays on track. Kids do best when adults take the lead in introducing them to the people that will take care of them. It provides both security and a sense of rest so that the focus can go towards learning.
5. Put limits on technology –
Kids can be drawn to technology to quell boredom or to connect with their friends, or distract themselves from the challenges they face (same with adults). Setting and maintaining healthy habits around technology ensures it won’t hijack the time that is needed for homework, play, or connecting with family members. While many families start out the school year with good intentions around the use of technology, these rules can start to slide when things get busy. Parents need to be caring and firm as they create boundaries and limits around the use of technology in the home.
Teachers and schools should also set rules around technology use that will help create safe and productive learning environments. The rules will be age dependent but it is helpful for parents to ask about these limits and to support them. Schools are increasingly having to deal with issues between students that have blown up over social media and impact the learning environment. The digital world has made the divide between home and school weaker, and as such, parental guidance and supervision is important to prevent problems from occurring.
6. Support the school schedule and routine –
Schools have set agendas, calendars they plan well in advance, curriculum that needs to be covered, and holidays to navigate around. When parents support a child adjusting to the school routine, it makes classrooms flow better with more focus allowed for learning. When kids repeatedly come in late, don’t have their things ready for school, don’t have support at home with projects or supplies, or take vacations during school time, it makes teaching and learning harder. Parents can help by drawing a child into healthy habits and routine that support getting to school rested, fed, and ready to learn.
7. Let them play –
Kids work at school even though many teachers try to make learning fun and engaging. With so much work, kids need to play and rest so as to balance their day and have space to integrate new learning. While they may be engaged in structured activities after school, they also need time away from these as well as stimulation that prevents expression and inquiry. While it may seem like unproductive time to adults, it is the rest they need so they are able to work again in school. When we push kids to work too much, it can create defenses against learning and upend our relationship. There is a time for work and a time for play. Parents need to help structure a child’s world so there are opportunities for both.
8. Put them in charge of homework where appropriate –
Battles over homework are hard on relationships and do little to foster a child’s internal motivation to care about their learning. If a child shows signs of being responsible, help them take the lead in making decisions about when and where homework will get done and what type of help they want from a parent. When a parent’s agenda is hidden (homework needs to be done), under choices that a put a child’s will at the forefront (where, when, and how it is done), then the child will feel less coerced and resistant to getting things done. The goal for parents is to help create routine, structure, and play a supporting role in getting homework done, but not to descend into battles for control which erode parental influence and a child’s desire to learn.
9. Communicate with teachers and preserve your relationship –
When parents and teachers work on having a good relationship, their children benefit. It is ideal to try and communicate with each other before problems get too big. I often wished my students or their parents came to me when issues were smaller because there was often more I could do to help. It is useful to keep in mind that both parent and teacher see a child in a different environment and listening to each other’s perspective can go a long way. When there are problems, trying to preserve goodwill and a relationship is critical and requires maturity on all parts. The most productive meetings I have been part of are where the adults try to make sense of a child instead of focusing on fault finding and blaming others.
10. Support a child with challenging peer interactions –
In school environments, it is next to impossible to prevent wounding that happens between kids. There are times when they are left out, unkind words may be said, and gossip hurts. When peer troubles are present, it is helpful for parents to draw out tears at home and help them find their words for what has happened. What is most important is for a child to see that an adult believes in them. Confide in a teacher when a child is struggling with other kids too, there are many things they can do in a classroom and with supervision on the playground (of course that teacher must be willing).
What every child needs in their backpack is a relationship at home to turn to. While teachers should create safe and bully free classrooms, they don’t and can’t see everything that happens from the playground or the classroom. The good news is when a parent has a strong relationship with their child, then that child is more resilient and less impacted by the immaturity of others.
When parents take care of their child’s need for relationship and support their emotional development, teachers can harness a child’s natural desire to learn and to overcome challenges. Learning doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and when parents and teachers join forces, we are in the best position to help our kids reach their learning potential.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.
Playing Matchmaker: Cultivating Relationships with Teachers and Adults Who Care for Our Kids
When we give birth to a child, we also need to cultivate the village of adults that will help us raise them. This community may consist of daycare workers, teachers, coaches, instructors, to extended family. This is critical as children flourish in environments where there is a seamless connection or invisible matrix of adults surrounding them. The challenge is parents can’t leave this formation to chance, they must introduce and matchmake one’s children to the adults who are responsible for them.
Matchmakers are agents of attachment who are not afraid to take the lead in fostering human connection. While the word matchmaker is usually associated with romantic relationships or business partnerships, it serves another role when it comes to caring for kids. Matchmakers connect two people who are unknown to each other and foster a sense of relatedness.
Why is matchmaking so important? Children have natural shyness instincts that move them to resist contact and closeness with people they are not attached to. As an attachment instinct, shyness ensures that a child follows, obeys, listens, and shares the same values as the people they are closest to. Children should naturally shy away from people who have not been sanctioned by their closest attachments.
When we look for people who will help us care for our children we consider many things such as their background, training, facilities, and demeanour but one of the most important thing to consider is whether we can foster a caring relationship between them and our child. If a child, especially young ones, do not feel at home in their adult relationships, they will be difficult to care for and may turn to their peers over their adults in terms of connection.
5 Ways to Play Matchmaker
The essence of matchmaking is being able to introduce a child and adult in a way that engages their attachment instincts and desire for contact and closeness. There are a number of strategies one can employ as a matchmaker; yet, it is as much about the science of attachment as it is the art of cultivating relationships.
- Take the lead
To be a matchmaker a parent needs to feel empowered in this role and be a little arrogant that they are the answer to ensuring two people have a relationship. For example, at a dentist or doctors office a parent needs to take the lead in introducing their child. When we have the attachment lead with a child, we need to guide them to other caring adults and show them we approve of the connection. We can’t assume that adults will collect our kids and start building a relationship with them. If we allow others to do the introductions for us, we are not in the lead. We were meant to point out to our children the people we believe to be their best bet for leaning upon.
- Look for sameness and similarities
One of the ways children feel connected to adults is through sameness, meaning they feel they have something in common with them. Being the same as someone is not as vulnerable as having to share your secrets or heart. As a matchmaker, parents need to work to prime the relationship, pointing our similarities and working hard to highlight areas of likeness. For example, one mother said her four year was having a hard time settling into kindergarten so she approached his teacher for help.
“I spoke with the teacher the other day about bringing my son in early so he could settle in when there was no one else around. He seems to be anxious when things are busy so we left early to get him there before all of the kids started trickling in. We then packed his dinosaurs to bring to school and spoke about how wonderful it was to bring things to share with his teacher and friends. His teacher noticed his tote when he walked in the class and asked questions about it and that seemed to make him super happy! And then they walked to the carpet and set up his toys. I gave him a high 5 and said his teacher and friends were going to be super happy to see what he brought! He then turned to me and waved goodbye!!! No tears, no fuss!”
There are many ways to draw out similarities, from similar interests, experiences, to desires. When kids feel that they have something in common with people that care for them, they are more likely to be more receptive to their care. The challenge is that a sense of sameness is often easier with their same aged peers which could come at the expense of their adult ones. This can lead to a host of problems including peer orientation where they are more influenced and take direction from their friends rather than adults.
- Foster a sense of approval and connection between the adults
When a parent demonstrates that they like another adult, a child will often follow their lead. On an instinctive level the child’s brain says, “If you like this person then I will like them too.” When they see us expressing warmth, delight and enjoyment to another person, they are likely to follow our lead. This requires us to be thoughtful in our conversations regarding the adults in their life and ensure what they hear preserves these relationships. For example, when a child has a new teacher it will be important to express approval and interest in this person, encouraging a child to share their daily experiences with them. It is important to not judge what these adults do in front of the child as we will run the risk of thwarting their relationship. If conversations are required regarding the child, then it is often best done without them being present.
- Create routines and rituals to foster connection
Creating a culture of attachment is best done through routines and rituals. Routines are great at orienting kids to the transition between their adults such as at drop off and pick up. This could include a standard hello as well as some simple conversation about everyday events like the weather or plans for the day. When a parent feels the child has connected to the adult they can say their goodbyes and leave swiftly. Hanging around to talk or prolonged goodbye often agitates young children as they don’t know who they should orient too.
One father told me his drop off included pretending he was a knight and telling his 4 year old that, “The warm hearted maiden, Angela, will care for you in my absence. You are in good stead with her my son.” With a bow to Angela and his son he left promptly. His son looked forward to each morning’s goodbye and Angela felt empowered in her caretaking role.
Rituals foster connection and a sense of community – from celebrating holidays to special occasions. When children see adults sharing food, eating meals together, gathering, playing games or going on outings, the sense of being cared for by a village is further highlighted. For young children gradual entry and school orientations are also important rituals which allow a child to warm up to a teacher or daycare provider and feel comfortable with them.
- Maintain a hierarchy of attachments
It is fine to introduce children to many adults as long as we keep their attachment hierarchy in place. The parent(s) need to be at the top of the hierarchy with all other adults falling under them. To ensure this, a parent needs to explain to whom a child should go to for help when needed.
If a child sees a parent being reprimanded, dismissed, or treated poorly by other adults, it can threaten their attachment hierarchy with the parent at the helm. If a parent needs support then it is best to do it in a way that preserves the parent role in the eyes of a child. Admonishing parents in front of their child can hurt a child in the long run. They need to feel and believe their parents know how to care for them, even if the parent needs support in being able to do this.
Hellos and goodbyes can be provocative for kids but they are made less so when kids feel connected to adults at each of these junctures. We can’t blame our kids for missing their favourite people but we can help them feel at home with other caring adults. What children need most is a network of caring adults. If we devote even half of our energy to this instead of focussing on peer to peer relationships, we could build a seamless attachment matrix around them.
Parents need to play matchmaker and introduce one’s children to the supporting cast of adults that will help raise them. Children shouldn’t have to question who is caring for them. They need to be free to play and focus on learning about who they are and what they can do.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and Director of the Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
The Teacher Has My Child’s Heart
With relief and delight my sister called me and said her 6 year old son had just drawn a picture of someone he loved – he drew his teacher of three weeks – Ms. Cod. Here is his lovely picture of the two of them together, side by side, with matching yellow bodies and black pants. Their arms are out stretched to embrace coupled with big smiles on their faces. The differences are obvious, Ms. Cod is bigger and she has orange hair and he has locks that are a darker shade of red. As if to cement the relationship, my nephew makes his intentions clear and writes, “I love you Ms. Cod.” His love does not to go unrequited as she lets him know she thinks he is pretty special too. While it is clear this teacher has my nephew’s heart, does she know what she will get along with it?
When a child attaches to their teacher it unlocks a powerhouse of characteristics that make a child teachable. When you have the heart of a child, you have the keys to unlock their mind and learning potential. Ms. Cod has much more than my nephew’s heart, she has the power to teach him.
The Characteristics of a Good Relationship Between a Teacher and Student
When a child is attached to their teacher they are inclined to follow them, listen, want to be the same as, talk like, be good for, inclined to agree with, take direction from, be open to influence from, and seek to measure up. The characteristics that make kids easy to teach for are the result of healthy attachment – not teaching style, technology, curriculum, or classroom space.
A mother asked me to help her understand why her 7 year old son was being sent to the Principal’s office repeatedly despite his good behaviour in kindergarten and grade one the previous year? I asked her if he liked his teacher and she said, “no, he really dislikes her and says he wants the teacher he had last year.” There are few if any disciplinary measures that are effective substitutes for a healthy relationship with a teacher.
The purpose of attachment is to facilitate dependence. It allows a teacher to lead with natural authority in the classroom and to take care of their students. It is their relationship that helps kids endure the hard parts of learning and the homework that is required. Attachment creates a sense of home, provides comfort, rest, and a place of retreat when the day is hard. To foster a child’s resilience at school we only need to work on their relationship with their teacher.
When a child is attached to a teacher they are easily commanded by them, guided and directed, as well as adopt and share their values. Kids want to stay close to teachers they like and will be steadfastly loyal to them. A strong relationship with a teacher helps a child feel safe at school and empowers teachers in their role.
Strategies for Cultivating Connections at School
The saying “it takes two to dance” is a good metaphor when considering the teacher and student relationship. The good news is both parents and teachers can play an important role in ensuring a child feels connected to their teachers.
How did this teacher win my nephew’s heart? My sister tells me she is both firm and caring in how she deals with her kids. She welcomes the students to class, has a twinkle in her eye when she sees them, as well as warmth in her voice. She connects with them throughout the day, she is patient and kind, and she doesn’t shame the kids when they are struggling in class. Ms. Cod has a way of holding onto her relationship with her little charges throughout the impasses that come up each day. She seems to know that the relationship is the most important thing to protect.
What can parents do to help the relationship between a teacher and student develop? They can matchmake their child to their teacher by pointing out similarities. It is a well known fact that we tend to like people that are like us! A child might also bring in something to show their teacher as a means of connecting with them as well as share their stories. A parent can show delight and warmth when talking about a teacher or when a child shares what happens at school. When a child sees their parent likes and trusts their teacher, that child is likely to follow suit.
On a last note I wish to send all the Ms. and Mr. Cod’s out there a heartfelt thank you. You bring relief to parents (and auntie’s too), when we know you have our children’s hearts. Kid’s learn best from the people they are attached to and we think you are pretty special too.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.