Freedom of Expression: Guiding kids’ emotions into maturity

It is not unusual to see a child stomp in frustration, yell when they’re upset, and drag their heels when they feel hurried. Even after a good or uneventful day at daycare or school, meltdowns may appear later at home in the form of resistance over chores or homework. Parents may feel bewildered by the extreme emotional reactions they witness in their kids—after all, haven’t they been told a hundred times to use their words and communicate clearly to get what they want?

Emotions are invisible and mysterious, while actions are anything but and often distract us from the real problem. What we need to remember about emotions is that they, themselves, are not problems, but they are trying to solve them. Their cries of alarm or frustration are meant to get our attention so we can help fix or change what is not working, or help them adapt. The challenge is that sometimes the way a child expresses their emotions can create problems for the people around them. If you want to know what emotion a child is experiencing, then you only need to consider their behaviour and how they are moving in the world. A child who feels secure may venture out to play, getting lost in discovery and exploration; but a scared child will run for safety to a parent and a frustrated one may angrily lash out when feeling thwarted.

When a child’s behaviour is difficult, we can become preoccupied with reinforcing rules and expectations while losing sight of how emotions, a brilliant system of communication, are driving a child from within. How we respond to a child when their behaviour is emotionally fuelled is key to helping them become more mature— but many “disciplinary” practices can make matters worse and fan the flames of upset, leaving us not only no further ahead, but actually working against us.

THE NECESSITY OF Expression

Emotional health cannot be achieved if emotions cannot be expressed. The force they exert compels them to come out of us in some way. Young children are just learning about their emotions and are naturally often at a loss for words or any insight into what they are feeling. With maturity we should acquire a vocabulary to match our feelings and use it to communicate them in (hopefully) more respectful ways. But this is the end goal and never the place we start from. This is where parents and caretakers must come in and help teach not just words, but a language of the heart.

Simply shouting, “Cut it out!” and “Calm down!” can do more harm than good. Just like a pressure cooker, when emotions are bottled up, they often lead to uncontrolled explosions. The idea that we must, from day one, suppress our emotions fails to recognize that they need to move through us so they can communicate that something is working or not working, especially when we’re too young to articulate it. Our emotional world is a source of intelligence when it come to our needs, and it will do anything in its power to meet those needs.

What many people don’t realize is that young kids can’t regulate their emotions due to immature brains. It takes five to seven years of healthy brain development to create the neural pathways required to integrate strong emotions and provide impulse control. Until that time, adults, and not preschooler brains, are the only tempering agent children have to help regulate their emotions and behaviour. The crux of this job is to prevent them from hurting themselves or others with impulsive reactions, and not to prohibit them from having feelings or expressing them. Methods like separation punishment, withholding affection, or yelling are solutions that solve nothing in the long term and only serve to cultivate a deeper uncertainty about your relationship.

THE DANGERS OF Suppression

We need to make it safe for our kids to express their emotions and convey that we are there to help them through their big feelings. The goal is not to try and make our children feelanything differently, it is rather to support and model the movement of those emotions so they can learn to understand and exert influence over their expression.

One key to supporting a child is to make sure our reactions to their emotions don’t create more distress for them (and therefore, in turn, us) nor communicate a diminished desire to care for them. If their behaviour leads to a more insecure relationship with an adult, then their brain may “press down” on their emotions in order to preserve their connection. This is a costly move—one that inhibits emotional development and prevents the adult from being able to help forward maturity in the child by creating an atmosphere of insecurity.

The prevalent forms of discipline used with children either take away what a child cares about or remove them from the people they want to be close to. These tactics communicate that there is no expression without undesirable repercussion: What you say or do may be held against you where it hurts the most. If you have to be “good”, even when you’re feeling bad, and expressing your feelings leads to separation, then emotional expression will indeed decrease, but in its place will easily grow more anxiety and aggression.

THE PATH TO MATURE Expression

The good news is there are many natural ways we can make room for our children’s emotions, nurture their brains to manage emotions well, and preserve their well-being. It is also possible to set limits with children while still conveying we are there to help with their upset. The objective is not to stop expression but to give it some room to move, and, importantly, to avoid any damage to the relationship so that development continues to move in a healthy direction guided by a capable and trusted parent.

Play it out

One of the natural ways children express emotion is during play where there are no real outcomes or consequences. As developmentalist Lawrence Cohen states, “Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day. Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” If we want to help children release their emotions, then we need to create the conditions for play.

True play is when a child is free to engage with their surroundings and nothing is taken at face value. Their frustration is expressed through creating, building, destroying, or transforming objects around them. Emotions such as alarm can be discharged through play that incorporates some fear like pretend monsters, being chased or rescued, having to hide to avoid capture, or surviving on your own. The child is able to express themselves without repercussion in the safety of play, often emerging from it softer and more emotionally vulnerable.

The role of adults is to provide and protect the places where children can play and invite them to experience music, stories, art, dance, or motion, all of which help their emotional systems discharge and recalibrate. The research on the correlation between loss of play and emotional problems in kids is substantial. The message is clear: Caregivers need to be play advocates when it comes to children’s emotional health and well-being.

Heart to heart

To come to a child’s side means to take a supportive role and not an adversarial one when dealing with their behaviour and emotion. While we don’t have to agree with them about their behaviour or even the “reasons” for it, we can connect with them at the heart level and try to empathize with them there. Acknowledging the emotion that is underneath their behaviour will increase their sense of connectedness to us. When we say, “You seem like you had a long day at school and are tired and frustrated” or “Help me understand what is stirring you up” we are inviting them to put into words the emotions that are driving them—which is both exactly what they need to hear and exactly what we want to teach. When we put the focus on the emotion instead of the behaviour and encourage them to express themselves, we learn to work together to find a way through the challenges.

It is also important that we don’t focus on our own emotions about their behaviour. We don’t need to communicate to our children how we feel, which could further overwhelm them and give them more emotion, not less, to deal with. It is also not our children’s job to care for our feelings. In revealing our struggles with a child, we may inadvertently convey that we don’t know what to do with them, thus alarming and frustrating them further.

As we come alongside and help them find and use words for their experiences, we will teach them a language of the heart. With words to communicate their emotional world and brain development that allows impulse control, both of which happen in supportive and safe environment, a child will naturally become more emotionally mature. I still remember the day my daughter proudly told me that her hand wanted to hit something because she was frustrated but it didn’t and that this was a good thing.

Daily debrief

There are a number of daily rituals that help us check in and debrief with our kids on their experiences and emotions. There is something unique about bedtime and having a parent’s undivided attention that makes a child want to talk. It is often here they may tell you about hard parts of their day or other stories about how they are feeling. As we listen and reflect on their emotions, we will be helping them to make sense of things and forward their emotional development.

Morning rituals can also help a child settle into their day, including reading books at cuddle time. Slowing down and making room for connection and orienting to the plan for the day without rushing can go a long way toward preventing emotional upset and upheaval. Shared mealtimes are an excellent time to check in with each other. Sometimes the after-school pick-up or ride home from daycare is a good time to connect and listen too.

There is nothing like the force of an immature child to test the emotional maturity of adults. The challenge is to not let our own emotions get the better of us and take it out on them. Emotional maturity takes time and patience and is as sophisticated as cognitive development. Kids need loving support, emotional guides, and caregivers who show they believe that maturity is around the corner by allowing their emotions to play out safely through their natural course. •

This article first appeared in the Spring 2021 edition of EcoParent Magazine

Copyright — Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca

Taking the Lead in Sibling Conflict

My younger sister used to poke me when I wouldn’t play with her. My first strategy was to tell her to leave me alone and when that didn’t work, I would ignore her, which also didn’t dissuade her. At some point I would become so frustrated that I would swat at her like a fly to make her go away. She would scream and cry and I would get in trouble, commensurate with the level of her distress and tears. As a child it seemed to me that the person who was bleeding, crying the loudest, or most upset—usually my sister— was uncritically deemed the victim with the perpetrator assumed by default. A swift verdict would follow.

There are few more provocative things for a parent than watching the children you love get hurt or hurt each other. Our instincts and emotions are there to protect and defend our kids and can kick into high gear when we witness acts of aggression, meanness, and immature behavior as our children attack each other. But our own impatience and annoyance can add more fuel to the fire of frustration that is already burning, and it can be costly to our relationships with them.

There is no greater test to a parent’s maturity than dealing with the immature ways of relating that our kids present. How do we bear witness to acts of aggression while keeping our cool and remaining in the role of the adult? And how do we lead through these difficult situations while protecting our relationship?

Them’s fighting words!

In the heat of the moment, your kids will tell you just about anything to get the heat off of them. We don’t need to follow our kids when it comes to discovering the reasons why they’re fighting but we will need to make sense of what is truly driving the problems between them. When you understand the roots of “misbehaviour,” it can be tackled it in meaningful ways that lead to change.

When kids fight, they are ultimately fueled by frustration, the emotion of change that wants something to stop or to be different. Children under the age of six don’t have sufficient brain development in the prefrontal cortex to temper strong emotions. Frustration can spill out of them unchecked by any braking mechanism in both verbal and physical forms of attack. Children under the age of three often unleash physically whereas older children have learned to use their words to attack. “I hate you and you are not coming to my birthday party” is a popular threat with the school-age set.

There are many factors that contribute to kids fighting with each other. Based on developmental science and my experience in private practice working with families, these are some of the most common.

You can’t always get what you want It is a sign of good development when a child has their own mind and can voice their needs, preferences, and desires. The challenge arises when they are engaging with other kids who don’t share those desires. Disagreements over how to play with something, what character they are, or the rules of the game can lead to frustration spewing forth. What we often miss is that each child is meant to develop their own will and it’s only because of their immaturity that they struggle to accept a difference of opinion with others, leaving them at an impasse and frustrated because they cannot solve it.

The futility that children will struggle with—that we are all challenged by—is that we can’t always get what we want. Not everyone wants to do it our way, nor shares our ideas and dreams, and one of the hardest lessons to learn is how to accept the things we cannot change. Kids are in the process of learning about the futilities of life and may need help coming to terms with something that is not going to go their way, even when there is a level playing field. For example, in a game they perceive to be losing, they may fight over the rules and try to force their agenda on their sibling. This is where it is important for adults to step in and reinforce the ground rules for interaction and game-playing.

When my eldest was five she loved playing cards but every time she started to lose she would tell her sister, “Well losers are the winners and winners are the losers.” As I kept a watchful ear on their playing I would often intervene and state something to the effect of, “No, that is not how the game is played. I understand you are frustrated with your cards but keep trying. There are some games you win and some you don’t.” There were many times she would just throw her cards into the air in frustration and I would declare her sister the winner. With time, patience, and support for her tears in the face of frustration, she learned to accept the futility of trying to change the rules to suit her. What helped me remain patient throughout these episodes is knowing that her immature way of relating was not personal but developmental, and that these were the teachable moments that helped me prepare her for a world where there is no shortage of disappointments.

It is also helpful to think ahead of problems and to set up interactions between kids with some guidance. You might say, “When you play together you are both going to have ideas and things you want. If you can’t figure it out then come and get me, or work together to compromise if you can.” Depending on the age of the child, different strategies may be used. Preschoolers will definitely need more direct help, but older children can become more skilled at navigating these differences, particularly if they care about playing together.

Territoriality and possessiveness We are thoroughly invested in having our children share and get along with each other, and have very little patience for disagreements. I often wonder if we have the same expectations of ourselves? After all, are we all that enthusiastic about handing over our cherished possessions for others to use? Don’t we also feel that instinctive reluctance to surrender things that we love?

We need to step back and consider whether we really don’t want our children to voice disagreement with others when their territory is under threat. What we should want is for them to know when to stand their ground to protect something of meaning as well as to know when to share. The challenge is that the instincts and emotions to protect one’s place are not bad, but they eventually need to be balanced by caring about others so that we can become socially responsible and emotionally generous, and that is where parents come in.

Part of maturity is being able to relate to others in a conscientious way and to share and work together towards a common goal. What children reveal is the chasm between primal territorial relating and this communal thinking. It is the role of adults in a child’s life to help close this gap by simply creating the conditions for good development that then naturally reach this end. This means providing enough attachment to satisfy their hunger for relationship and helping them begin to accept the futilities—like “You can’t have it! That’s mine!”—that are part of life.

When children are full of caring and can also consider the needs of others as well as theirs, they will have the necessary ingredients to share and get along better and temper their territorial instincts. But these developments occur at the earliest between 5 and 7 years with healthy brain integration. Until then, it is our job to simply and regularly communicate the value of sharing, the importance of having your own mind, and the reminder that you can’t always get what you want. Supervise young kids to prevent territorial disasters from unfolding and reaffirm that turn-taking is part of life, and that you are there to help them.

Attachment-seeking behavior Kids seek connection and when they are bored or hungry for attachment, they may seek each other out, especially if adults are not available. Just as with adults, the challenge is that sometimes kids don’t want to play with each other, or they just want to be on their own. This attachment- seeking energy is what drove my sister to poke at me, but I had other ideas for my time, like reading my books. When I wouldn’t reciprocate and give her connection, she continued to pester until things eventually erupted. In such situations, an adult needs to step in and provide the desired connection, redirecting away from using a sibling to fulfill their child’s attachment needs.

Displaced frustration One of things we often miss when our kids are frustrated with each other is that their emotions may have their roots in something other than the currently raging conflict. A child can be stirred up by something that didn’t go their way in an unrelated situation, and later take it out on their sibling. A brother or sister can be a lightning rod that unleashes emotional energy such as frustration.

One of the biggest sources of displaced frustration for a child is from relationships that do not work for them. It is often emotionally costly for a child in trouble to fight back against a displeased parent when their relationship may be on the line or they are overpowered, or when separation-based discipline is used (e.g., consequences and timeouts, which can also hurt the relationship). If a parent is upset with a child, then that same child can often turn around and unleash their frustration onto their sibling. The less a child feels emotionally safe in communicating their frustration to an adult, the more likely this frustration will be displaced onto the shoulders of other children.

The Heat is On

Making sense of the reasons why kids fight is helpful, but what do we do in the heat of the moment? The following strategies can help you consider how you might intervene in a way that preserves the dignity of everyone involved, as well as your relationship with each child.

Don’t play judge and jury Intervening in a way that doesn’t convict or lay blame on one side is important. Kids often will say, “You like them better,” communicating a sense of betrayal at the relational level. The bottom line is we don’t often know who is right or wrong but what we do know is they are having trouble, what they are doing is not okay, and that they need our help. While we can convey that the whole situation is not okay, we can also let them know we see they are both hurt, and that we believe they can do better. The idea is to get out of tricky and heated scenarios quickly and revisit them calmly when emotions are lower.

Come alongside each child If we could take a moment with each child to listen to their hurts, we would be better able to lead them through the big frustrations between them. This is often better done in privacy without the other child listening but it can be done on the spot too, conveying that we know there are hurt feelings all-round. When my sister was poking me I would have longed for someone to understand my frustration too, that I reacted because I was annoyed, and that my sister had to accept that I didn’t always want to play with her. When we react without recognizing both parties are hurt, we miss the opportunity to come to the child’s side, communicate we are there to help, and address things at a root emotional level.

Don’t force apologies Forced apologies lead to even more hurt feelings as the obvious lack of genuine caring stings you all over again. What we want is for our kids to feel genuine remorse and this can only come from a place of caring for another person. A cooling- off period is often needed when emotions are high, and when kids come back together to play they will quickly bring their caring to the surface again. When the caring is back, then cue-up the child to make amends. Reading picture books that portray what a real sorry looks like, as it does in The Sorry Plane, is helpful for normalizing frustration as well as conveying the importance of saying you’re sorry from a place of caring.

Get to the root emotion If children are constantly at each other’s throats, then we might need to step back and take a closer look at what is driving their frustration. Are they enduring a lot of change or hard times at school or in the home? Are there relationships that are important to them that are not working? It might be time to focus on your relationship with the child rather than dwelling on the relationship between the children in order to make headway.

Keep them moving Sometimes we don’t know what to do with our fighting kids but when we get in the lead, things are much more likely to straighten out. Sometimes we literally need to move them in a different direction: take them outside, get them engaged in a different activity, or spend some one-on-one time with them. When things are going sideways, take the lead and steer the energy into something less hurtful and more productive. Emotions have a way of taking care of themselves if we can keep our kids moving in a healthy direction.

When we see our children unleashing their frustration on each other, it’s better for everyone involved if an adult takes the lead and takes the heat off the child under attack. We can simply communicate that we see they are frustrated, we are there to help, and that siblings aren’t for attacking. Most kids understand to some degree that their siblings will get frustrated with them. What they have a harder time with is why their parents don’t intervene to help and provide reassurance that the problem isn’t them.

Perhaps if we could accept that kids are immature, that they will fight, and that this is part of our role as parents to help them navigate conflict, then we might find the patience we need when things are coming undone. It is hard to watch them hurt each other but our focus shouldn’t be on making them get along. As mature adults, we just need to make sure we continually express our caring as we deal with a (natural and temporary!) lack of caring in them. •

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca

This article first appeared in the Winter 2020 edition of EcoParent Magazine.

“Say Sorry!” How Forced Sorry’s Do More Harm Than Good

If you are around a playground or schoolyard long enough you are bound to hear a child or adult say, “You need to say you’re sorry.” These words are meant to soothe hurts, prevent kids from taking justice into their own hands, and convey rules for behaviour.

You will also hear kids point out insincere sorry’s when they hear them and demand, “you need to say sorry like you mean it!” Forced sorry’s sound hollow because they are usually devoid of genuine caring. The problem is that while we can force a child to say sorry, it doesn’t mean that they feel remorse.

In our haste to get children to look mature and to say the ‘right thing’, we have lost sight that manners must be rooted in the right meanings. What good are manners if they don’t have caring behind them and what are we really teaching a child? While we can force them to say ‘sorry’ under threat of punishment, does this translate into a child doing the right thing when no one is looking? To put it another way – if we make a child repeat caring phrases will this lead to a more caring child?

We also demand caring performances from our children when it comes to saying thank you or giving affection to others. Do we stop and consider whether a child feels gratitude and caring before they say thank you? Do we tell our children to give hugs to people or to be ‘nice’ when they have little desire to be close, thus overriding and discounting the feelings that they do have? Such actions deny a child a sense of agency over their body and their feelings. This is a dangerous practice when considering what kids need to flourish and to be safe.

There is nothing wrong or misguided in wanting our children to grow as socially responsible and emotionally mature beings. This growth must come from caring and not at the expense of it. Healthy development requires that one’s words match one’s meanings. This is the essence of integrity and authenticity, the cornerstones of selfhood. There is a way to get there but forcing our children to give false performances only becomes a mask that wears thin under pressure. The path to becoming civil and socially responsible is made possible through caring, and it is our job to cultivate it.

Focus on caring as a vulnerable emotion

What we need to focus on is whether a child feels vulnerable emotion. Does the child have feeling words to describe their emotions? Can they get to their tears when they are facing things that won’t go their way? Do they feel badly when they have hurt someone else? Many bullies have been told to say sorry to their victims, but this hasn’t changed the bully or made them more caring.

Children will be more caring to others when they are full of caring feelings. We need to get our children to their caring feelings and let these take the lead in their interactions with others. The question is where does caring come from in the first place?

The capacity to care is hardwired into our emotional system at birth but it needs support to emerge. It is ironic and yet a simple design, when we are cared for, the capacity to care opens inside us. Caring needs attachment to kick start it – you need something to care about. In other words, children need to be cared for in order to unlock their capacity to care for others and things around them.

Caring for a child is the work of attachment. When we cultivate strong connections with our children and assume responsibility for taking care of them, a child is brought to rest. As Gordon Neufeld states, “A child must not work for our love but rest in it.” When a child can take for granted that their relational needs will be met, their emotional system roars to life and they are drawn into relationship with their caretakers. Relationship begets relationship; and caring grows caring in them.

A good attachment involves cultivating a strong relationship by providing a sense of sameness, belonging, loyalty, significance, love, and sharing of secrets (see Chapter 4 in Rest, Play, Grow). When our children can take our invitation for relationship for granted, they can rest in our care and grow into the caring beings that nature intended. It is never too late to strengthen our relationship with a child and it is never too late to grow more caring as a result.

What we need to remember is that our children come with an innate caring spirit that grows them into civil, social, and considerate beings. Our job is not to force them to act as if they care, but to grow their caring from the inside out.

Our children’s emotions are in trouble

Caring has become a key focus in educational settings and in the home. We are quick to jump on signs that children have hurt others and grow increasingly concerned with the rise of aggression in schools, bullying among children that has turned lethal, as well as increasing emotional problems such as anxiety, depression, and suicide.

In 2011, researchers in the United States found that in comparison to 15 years ago, youth displayed forty percent less empathy. Along with this finding was a similar decrease in their ability to understand the perspectives of others, an essential component in empathy, along with caring. It is under these conditions that racism, homophobia, and misogyny flourish and take hold. If all you can consider is your own perspective and there is a lack of caring, then a self-absorbed viewpoint can easily become one’s reality.

As children increasingly wound each other and grow more uncaring, we have responded by becoming more preoccupied in teaching them how to care. We never stopped to consider whether caring was something that was meant to be taught in the first place?

We know through developmental science that we are born with deep instincts and emotions to care for oneself and others. This is evident in young children as they take care of their toys or younger siblings. The challenge with young children is that they can only experience one emotion at a time so if they are frustrated, their caring is eclipsed and all we may see is attacking behaviour (see chapter two in Rest, Play, Grow for more information on the Preschooler Personality).

By the time a child’s brain develops the capacity to hold onto two emotions or thoughts at the same time, coined the 5 to 7-year shift, their brain will naturally temper their frustration with caring feelings if present. In other words, nature has an answer to making us more civil and mature by allowing our children to feel caring and frustration/upset at the same time. This internal conflict puts the brakes on a child lashing out without thinking, and allows them to consider how they might hurt someone and to stop before they do. In other words, it is caring that stops behaviour that is uncivil, unkind, and threatening to others.

Humans are hard wired to care as this is key to our survival. When our children lack caring then it should alert us to the immaturity that still exists in them or that their vulnerable feelings have gone missing. While we can all temporarily lose our caring feelings, when it is more frequent or persistently missing in a child then it can be a sign that something is not working as it should in their world. In short, when a child’s caring goes missing it should alert us that they need more care from us.

Illustration by Zoe Si, The Sorry Plane

So what do we do about saying sorry then?

Instead of commanding a child to give a caring performance and say “I am sorry,” we need to lead a child to their caring feelings. For some children it is about focusing on the emotion that is driving them – like their frustration. By coming alongside their emotions, we can help them express what isn’t working or what they are struggling with. When we convey to the child what isn’t okay, for example, hands are not for hitting, we can also convey that the relationship is okay. The focus needs to be on a child’s meanings first such as, “Do you have any sorry’s in you?” You could also give a child the benefit of doubt and suggest that, “mistakes happen and when they do, we need to find our sorry’s and give one to the person that got hurt.”

If we believe that children lash out because they have immature brains and that their emotions sometimes get the better of them, then we can be patient and focus on their emotion first. Instead of tackling behaviour, we will have faith that nurturing their feelings is what bears the real fruits of maturity in the long run.

In the children’s picture book, The Sorry Plane, the mother leads her children to their sorry’s. One child gets there quickly but the other child digs in her heels, protesting and claiming there are no sorry’s in her. This is a true story – these were my kids and I was that mother in the story. Instead of commanding a false performance, the mother conveys that a sorry is needed and that in time, she believes it will come. While the young child protests and leads them on a wild goose chase to find them, the mother is both caring and firm in her stance that sorry’s do come back. In the end, the child softens and tells her sister she is sorry with heartfelt caring and sincerity. There is nothing like an apology full of caring that can draw the forgiveness out of another person. The Sorry Plane is a reminder that we need to have faith that caring will lead our children to do what is right.

One day while on yard duty supervising children at an elementary school, a boy ran up to me and told me someone had pulled Thomas’s pants down and he was crying. As I reached a hoard of 7-year old boys huddled around a sobbing Thomas, I saw his brother Oscar comforting him. I told Thomas I was there to help and could see he was upset, and that I had heard what had happened. I asked the boys to find the boy who had pulled Thomas’s pants down and to ask this boy to come and see me. It was then that his brother started to cry and confessed that it was him who had pulled Thomas’s pants down. My heart went out to Oscar, now in equal distress to his brother.

When I looked at Oscar I saw a boy who cared deeply about his brother and was full of remorse for what he had done. I said to Oscar that I imagined he must have been very frustrated if he had pulled his brother’s pants down. He agreed and said, “the ball just came and hit me so hard in the stomach that I just pulled my brother’s pants down.” I thought to myself, of course you did, there was no better person to unleash such pain and frustration on than a brother that cared for you and you would be safe with. I told Oscar that I could see he was sorry, and that he needed to make amends to his brother. He readily agreed, although I think his brother needed a little more time to find his forgiveness.

The most important thing …

The most important thing is not the words “I am sorry’ but what is behind it. It is our caring feelings that make us fully human and humane. It is caring that needs to drive us forward. So what is our job then when it comes to raising kids who care?

We must nurture our children’s caring spirits by taking care of our relationship with them. This means we need to support and provide safety when their tears must come. We need to preserve and cultivate our relationship with them by playing together, eating together, and cherishing each other. We must protect against the lure of a competitive, outcome driven, work obsessed, materialistic culture, that threatens to pull us out of orbit from one another. Our greatest gifts and joys are not from things we get nor the depersonalized pursuits we follow but what happens when we show up for each other.

Our most important task as parents is to take care of our children’s hearts. Caring is our superpower and caring is the possibility that lies dormant in each of our children. We bring our children to life through caring, and in return, their caring is a beautiful gift to us all.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.

The Sorry Plane is a playful introduction for kids and their caregivers to the importance of understanding and respecting our feelings. Brilliantly illustrated with captivating images by artist Zoe Si, The Sorry Plane carries a profound message about the importance of connecting with our authentic emotions. It highlights how a good sorry is one that you mean from the heart and how we adults can preserve a child’s caring spirit.

The Sorry Plane bears the Neufeld Institute Recommended seal which highlights children’s literature that is congruent with developmental science as well as with the relational-developmental approach articulated by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, PhD

When Push Comes to Shove: The Answer to Children’s Aggression

Aggressive behaviour in children can be alarming. Hitting, screaming and yelling, fighting with others, and even eye rolling are emotionally charged actions that can leave parents at a loss for how to respond.

Getting to the root of aggression is key to helping your child navigate their feelings and develop self-control. If we focus only on our child’s aggressive behaviour and lack insight into what drives it then we may view our child as mean-spirited, entitled, spoiled, inconsiderate, or in need of retaliatory “tough love”. We may be provoked to respond with threats, punishments, and even physical force, which exacerbates the problem and does little to help our child mature emotionally. In short, it is hard to change a child’s behaviour when you don’t grasp what fuels it. By understanding aggression and the role it plays in human nature, adults are in a better position to help change the behaviour at a root level. The good news is there a lot we can do to support a child in developing self-control over their big emotions.

IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL

As a parent, you’ve likely experienced how a child’s emotions can change seemingly without warning—from happy and content to screaming and stomping at some perceived wrong. This lack of tempering and self-control in children isn’t personal but developmental. A very young child may promise they won’t hit again only to turn around and strike someone minutes later. When asked why they didn’t stop hitting they might say, “I forgot.” And as frustrating as that statement can be, in that moment, they are likely being truthful, as a child can only keep one thought or feeling in their head at a time. By the age of seven, kids who are maturing well have developed the cognitive capacity to better manage their emotions.

Too often we take our children’s emotions personally instead of seeing them as a means of communication. When we shift our perspective on aggression, we are more likely to gain insight into the emotions that are driving the child and focus on helping them develop emotional maturity. Our children’s emotions are the way their brain moves them to solve problems, and they are hard-wired to demand expression.

FRUSTRATION CUES, AGGRESSION ANSWERS

Many people assume that aggression is the result of anger. However, there is a more fundamental emotion that fuels aggression: frustration. Frustration is the emotion that moves us to seek change—whether to make something happen or to make something stop happening. When it collides head-on with the realization that there are certain things we just can’t have or are unable to change, frustration is compounded, sometimes giving way to aggressive behaviours. The job of parents is to help little ones navigate their frustration by finding words for it or alternate forms of expression that don’t hurt others.

Rather than just focusing on getting a child to stop the behaviour, the trick to dealing with aggression is to focus on the feeling behind the action. Frustration in the child is where we need to pay attention and recognize what we may have missed, like a child who is tired or hungry. A child’s frustrated actions are a call to us to take the lead and change what isn’t working, rather than just engaging in a head-to-head battle. Sometimes it’s as simple as providing a snack or instigating naptime, but there are also times when we can’t change what isn’t working and need strategies to help them accept the limits and boundaries that come with life.

Lead through the storm

Understandably, children aren’t always eager to accept our limits and restrictions; in fact, they are well known for pushing back against them. Part of the challenge in dealing with children’s frustration is not letting our own frustration at their actions make matters worse. When we punish or administer consequences, we effectively fuel their frustration which often leads to an escalation of attacking behaviour. I once overheard a mother punish her child because he didn’t follow her by taking away his screen time. Not only did he still not follow, but he hit her and the escalation of aggression between them grew. Instead of meeting the child where he was and working through his perceived defiance, the mother’s emotions led them into a dangerous spiral. As tough as it is, we need to try and stay out of the aggression whirlpool and plant ourselves firmly in the ground of the relationship.

In the key of empathy

In difficult moments, it can feel daunting to be patient in the face of a child’s frustration, let alone aggression. It can be helpful to focus on frustration and to come alongside their emotions, from the unpleasantness of the decision you have made—whether it’s having to follow along in a boring grocery store, or not getting another cookie, not being able to stay up late, or not attending a much-desired event. Granting a child the time and space to grasp and realize that life is full of disappointments and helping them acknowledge that it feels bad is time well spent. If the child is moved to tears, then the frustration is shifted to sadness, and away from hurting others.

Preserve your relationship

What happens when the opportunity to calmly commiserate or wipe away tears of disappointment has passed? When a child isn’t ready to give up what they want, their frustration can be outright foul. Hostile behaviour, throwing, biting, screaming, head-banging, fits of rage, and verbal insults can result as that venting ramps up into aggression.

One of the most important things we can do when a child is lashing out in frustration is aim to preserve our relationship with them, especially since a lack of connection in such times can make aggression worse. This means leading through the impasse by being patient, yet firm, and possibly changing the circumstances around the child, such as removing items that can be thrown, and taking other children out of harm’s way. It is especially helpful to stop what we are doing and give a child our full attention without giving in to our own frustration.

Gently reminding a child that frustration needs to be expressed through words that aren’t hurtful is an important strategy. Similarly, preserve their dignity by avoiding statements like, “You are so mean!” or “Why do you hurt people?” These succeed only in shaming the child and suggests there is something wrong with them for having the emotion of frustration. By coming alongside the child and acknowledging that they are having a hard time, you help reduce the aggression and keep the relationship healthy.

Handling an aggressive situation when your own reserves are drained can be hard to do, not just for you, but also for your child. In a worst-case-scenario where patience is stretched to its thinnest, aim for doing no harm to the relationship before you attempt to quell the storm. To keep everyone’s dignity intact, it’s okay to wait until emotions have discharged before talking to your child about what was driving them and what your expectations are.

We all know (or have been parented by) parents who dismiss, suppress, or debase their children’s feelings. While in the short run it might produce a docile child, muzzling the emotions can lead to problems with emotional and behavioural combustion down the road. Rather than using logic to convince feelings to go away or denying the realness and legitimacy of emotions, children need the opportunity to express, recognize, and mature into their feelings. The real answer to aggression is supporting a child’s healthy emotional development and to grow within them the ability to control, reflect on, and find civil ways to deal with their big emotions. •

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Winter 2019

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Sense and Sensitivity: Understanding the Sensitive Child

Sensitive kids are everywhere. Their numbers are estimated to be between 15 to 20% of children in a North American context, but they are often misunderstood or not recognized as being sensitive. What does it mean when we say a child is “sensitive” and how would you know if your child is among them?

To make sense of sensitivity, it is easier to start with understanding what it is not. It is often confused with a child who has strong emotional reactions or whose feelings seem to get more easily hurt. Sometimes it is confused with a child who seems to be more considerate of other’s needs or who is gentle or kind. While children with sensitivity may display some of these characteristics, these are not typical of all sensitive kids, nor do they help us understand what is at the root of their different way of being in the world.

Sensitive kids are defined as those who have an enhanced receptivity to the world through their senses. It could be through any sense—touch, taste, smell, sight, or hearing—and it is unique to each child. It also exists on a continuum, with some kids being more impacted by touch and smell while others may be affected visually or through another sense.

Talking senses

While no two sensitive kids are alike, their enhanced receptivity to sensory information leaves them without a “skin” against the world. Things can feel too much, too big, too cold, too loud, too hot, too smelly, too painful, and too overwhelming. In other words, they can easily feel bombarded by stimuli and this can stir them up emotionally. They are also likely to be more activated and reactive in environments that stir up their senses. For example, I remember watching a boy run for the door in his Mommy & Me music class every time the noise started to escalate. The cacophony of sounds was neither soothing nor fun but instead crashed into him, flooding him, and overwhelming him. As he instinctively darted for the door to escape, there were some adults who saw him as disobedient or defiant, but in truth, he was simply overwhelmed.

It is important to see sensitivity not as a disorder but as part of the diversity in human temperament. Sensitivity doesn’t seem to be a mistake when you look at it from an evolutionary perspective. You can find sensitivity in other mammal species (even in fruit flies!) lending support for the idea that it is not a mistake but perhaps adaptive in some way. What is clear is that sensitive kids need adults to “get them” and to take care of them. This is true for every child, but much more so for the sensitive ones among us.

How do you know if your child is sensitive?

Sensitive kids reveal themselves soon enough to their adults. The child will seem more easily triggered or comforted through a sense, or combination of them. In some cases overly-stimulating environments may prove to be provocative or upsetting to young ones. Likewise, the sensitive child may also find comfort in certain senses: for example, a child with tactile sensitivity may only sleep when they are held or touched, or one with an auditory sensitivity may prefer hearing your soft voice as they fall asleep.

Sensitive kids often seem to have an unusual alertness even as babies. They may sometimes be described as “old souls” or the ones who watch everything. They can sometimes display exceptional memory and become preoccupied with their thoughts. Their questions are often probing and reveal a unique way of looking at the world. They can have a range of interests or can become squarely focussed on one area in particular. Sensitive kids are often described by adults as being intense, passionate kids with big ideas and plans. When they are happy they can infect a room with their enthusiasm just as when they are upset, they can fill a room with hurricane- force levels of frustration.

As the parent to two sensitive kids I have experienced first-hand what comes with caring for them. One of my children is visually sensitive and sees too much at times which appeared when she was 11⁄2 years old as she yelled at strangers to stop looking at her. It felt unnatural to be seen by someone she didn’t know, and their attention was unwanted and alarming. She was also the same child who would never perform or dance in front of other parents at school because “they were all strangers.” Her visual sensitivity brings gifts like the ability to remember details, see patterns, and create novel and new designs—like her “candy wall” when she was three. At the same time, it can become unbearable when there is too much stimuli, particular scary movies with sounds, images, and suspense.

Research suggests there is often a genetic component to this enhanced receptivity, or that it may be due to birth practices, as well as prenatal experiences.1 Genetics play a strong role in determining the intensity or prominence of each affected sense. As mentioned, it can be any combination of the five conventional senses, or internal senses like the vestibular (balance) system, proprioceptive sense (movement), or the complex sensing apparatus we call “the gut.”

Parents need only pay attention to what stirs a child up and to consider how much is too much for them in order to figure out which combination of senses are enhanced. The key to understanding a sensitive child is to not hold their big reactions against them but to appreciate how they are being impacted by the world around them, and how to deal with them effectively.

Providing a sense of security

Brain development is a phenomenal thing—especially in young children. With ideal conditions, a sensitive child’s brain will develop so that it can increasingly handle and process sensory information. They can develop neural wiring that can manage the sensory overload and find ways to compensate for too much stimuli. In other words, nature has a solution for a child’s sensitivity, but it needs our help for them to internally cultivate these answers. If we can create ideal developmental conditions for a child, then nature can take over and grow the child up and through their sensitivity.

1. Strong, caring adult relationships

Sensitive kids need strong caring relationships with adults who convey to them that they are not too big, too difficult, or too much of anything. Sensitive kids are usually more aware of the vulnerability inherent to relationships; that is, if you give someone your heart, they may hurt you. It is emotionally vulnerable to trust someone, to get close, and to rely on them for care taking. Adults need to take a strong lead and convince a child they can count on them especially when it comes to dealing with a child’s mistakes or their challenging behaviour.

Separation-based discipline such as time-outs, 1-2-3 magic, or consequences can often go too far and create insecurity in relationships. Attachment-based and developmentally-friendly discipline is key to being an emotionally safe caretaker in the hearts of our sensitive kids.

Little things can go a long way in cultivating a connection with a sensitive child. It could be the small things we remember, the patience we take to draw them out and hear their story, and all the ways we communicate that we enjoy being with them. Relationships matter to all kids but sensitive ones don’t “suffer fools gladly” and they often wait to see if someone can be trusted before giving them their heart. We need to work to earn their trust and be patient until we are there. Whoever cares for a sensitive child will need to work on a relationship with them to get them to follow and take their cues. This is true in a childcare environment as well as in school with their teachers.

2. Know when to protect from and when to encourage exposure

If a child does not have a thick skin to protect them from sensory overload, then it will fall to their adults to compensate for this. We can start by changing the child’s environment. For example, some kids prefer white noise to cancel out environmental stimuli or may benefit from headphones. Caregivers need to be patient and accept that their child may not want to engage in activities that are overwhelming such as playing with a lot of kids or music classes.

While it is important to reduce arousal and stimulation where appropriate, it is also important to think about if and when you can gently expose sensitive kids to the things that are overwhelming for them. For example, one mother had a child with a number of sensitivities and loud sounds were particularly difficult. She begged her mother not to walk by a construction site near their house because of the loud sounds of the big trucks and “diggers.” The mother took note that this was a challenge for her daughter and took a different route as they walked to school each morning. On one morning she said to her daughter, “We are just going to quickly walk by the construction site and I want you to put your hands on your ears so that it won’t be too loud for you.” As they ran by, her daughter spied the diggers and the hole in the ground and became fascinated. As the week went on, the mother continued to walk by the construction site with her daughter, watching, and eventually stopping. One day her daughter took her hands off her ears and listened, and eventually, she was able to walk by the site without feeling overwhelmed. What sensitive kids need is an adult who understands them and who knows when to shield them and when, and how, to gently and patiently encourage exposure to the things that are hard.

3. Make room for their emotions and tears

Sensitive kids can be stirred up by the world around them and this can create big emotions inside of them that need to be released. The best thing we can do for them is to help them express feelings through words, play, or through their tears. Sometimes we need to encourage play that will draw out their frustration, fears, or desires. It is often easier to face things in play when it isn’t for real or can’t really hurt you. If we are to move a sensitive child to their words or tears, they will need to trust us and to see that our relationship is unwavering even when they are having a hard time.

When we have to deal with issues regarding their behaviour we may make better headway outside of the incident. They may be more receptive and able to hear us when we talk to them when they are less stirred up and feeling close to us. Sometimes they may not want to talk about issues or tell us they can’t remember. We can simply tell them we will make it fast, and easy, and it won’t hurt but we just need to say a few things. We may need to lead them into vulnerable territory but if we fail to do so then they will have a harder time having a relationship with the emotions inside of them.

If there were a secret to caring for sensitive kids it would be to realize that they often act in congruence with the sensory world that exists inside of them. They are not trying to give us a hard time—they are simply having a hard time. While there are challenges posed by their sensitivity, there are also gifts, which caregivers learn to recognize as coming from the same place. If we can hold these things in mind when dealing with them and invite them to rest in our care, then we will be able to become the strong caretakers they need.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages.

*NOTE: This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Spring 2019.

Growing Pains: Five Things Teens Need From Parents

If someone asked you what period in human life is likely to be the loneliest, what would you say? Fortunately there are loneliness researchers who care about this common experience and have answers for us. You might think this topic is frivolous but the link between social isolation and emotional and physical vulnerability is a serious issue. According to researchers, loneliness should be viewed the same way as physical pain but on a social level.

When it comes to being lonely you might have guessed seniors and you would have been right. Forty percent of seniors say they feel lonely sometimes which is correlated with increased cardiovascular, blood pressure problems, dementia, and other mental health issues. But surprisingly, seniors were not the loneliest group of people – teenagers were. Eighty percent of teens said they felt lonely sometimes. What is this about and how do we start to make sense of this?

Adolescence can be a time of turmoil given that one’s identity should be changing (think of it like a house that is undergoing renovation).When you are in the midst of transformation you no longer have the comforting sureness of knowing yourself as well as you once did. The teens relationships with others and oneself is changing and they can second guess others as well as their own actions. They see possibilities where things used to be certain and they can feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities that come with getting older.

While parents hold onto the idea maturity that is around the corner, the process of getting there with a teen can feel messy, emotional, and unpredictable at times. One minute a teen can seem agreeable but they can easily switch to being disagreeable to parental suggestions. Loneliness seems to come out of the blue despite the number of friends a teen has or the amount of social interaction in their life. But why so much loneliness – where does this come from?

There is a natural distancing from adults that is both welcome and daunting in the teen years. In one breath the teen acts like a child and longs to be cared for by a parent, only in the next moment to crave their independence and freedom. The dilemma for the teen is they are neither child nor adult – they are in the ‘in between place’. They are somewhere on the bridge crossing the divide between childhood into adulthood. I feel for them, I remember being there, it often felt agonizing. The anthem for teenage years should be – “Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same” (compliments of the band Keane), but of course the irony is that it is actually the teen that is changing the most of all.

HELPING TEENS TRANSITION INTO ADULTHOOD

How can we help our teens transition into adulthood? What do they need from the adults in their life as they take the steering wheel in their own life? What role do we play in helping them give birth to their adult selves? Given that many teens wouldn’t know how to articulate what they need due to overwhelm or that sometimes they are trying to ‘do it themself,’ I have included 5 things here that I think they would really like the adults in their life to understand about them.

Provide room for self-reflection

For the teen to (re)discover who they are, they will need room to reflect. Teens need muses to help them along this path – from music, to art, writing, dance, or nature – and the freedom to explore these things without feeling the need to produce something. Giving birth to a new identity is an active process that requires movement and expression and must be free from the pressure to perform. This means they need to have space preserved away from distractions like screens, peers, siblings, work, and school. They need room for the voids in their life to emerge and to be filled with a sense of who they are. And it is in this vacuum – where things are not filled up, nor overflowing with things to do or learn – that teens can discover who they are.

The role of adults in their life is to hold back the tide of distraction that threatens to drown out a teens emerging voice. It is the role of the adults not to push for performance nor fill up their lives with activities. Yes, teens will still have work to do at school or at a chosen activity, but there is a corresponding need to give them room for play and creative solitude without adult pressure and expectations.

Draw them out and affirm who they are

Adolescent development brings with it changes in the brain and an increased level of awareness. Teens can become more self-conscious and wonder if their new thoughts and feelings are okay. They also have an explosion of ideas and need to test out their theories and how they are making sense of the world. Drawing them out and listening is one of the best gifts you have to give them. Showing an interest in their ideas doesn’t mean you agree with them. Trying to understand their point of view doesn’t mean you have to change your own. Taking a genuine interest in your teen and being curious about how they are making sense of the world will help the teen put the pieces together better in their own head.

Teens don’t often like to be pressured to answer questions. They are more likely to be drawn out by just being together in natural ways like walking the dog, going for a drive to do errands, or after school chats over a snack. When teens feel pressured to talk or to share they often close up. Parents who draw their teens out do so by making it safe to talk but not demanding it. They also create a space where a teen feels validated for having their own views without judgment nor fear of reprisal.
Create space to experience disillusionment naturally

Teens are some of the most idealistic people around. They are keen observers of the distance between rules and how adults they fail to live up to them. They also set idealistic goals for themself and are blind to the challenges that may lie in their path. It’s hard to argue with a teen who thinks they are right and who has the moral high ground.

Everyday life has many wonderful lessons in store for the teen and it is important to allow them to learn these naturally. They need to be able to make mistakes and experience the disillusionment on their own – like realizing you really can’t leave all of your homework to the last minute! They may tell you something is going to be easy for them (e.g., finding a job), only to discover that it can be hard. They may think someone will allow them to do whatever they want only to find out that the rules state otherwise. Teenage years are a time to allow a child to bump into the everyday realities we live with as adults and to support them through the disappointment and frustration that may come with this

Normalize sadness

From a teens changing identity to the changing relationships with others, there are many normal losses that come with growing up. While there is freedom on one side, there is also the responsibility that feels heavy and cumbersome. Teen years bring with it a roller coaster of emotions. When adults normalize these feelings of loss they can help reassure a teen that this is to be expected, that they aren’t broken or messed up, and that they need to face their feelings with courage and to express them however they can. Teens often believe that they are the only person their age who feels sad or worried about their future and the changes happening. Understanding that this is what comes with the rite of passage into adulthood helps bring some ease and reassurance, as well as confidence to face things head on. A teen’s emotions often feel up and down but if a parent notices that sadness isn’t moving through a child and depression is starting to weigh them down, then it may be time to speak to health professionals for help.

Be generous with patience and caretaking

For some parents, the teenage years can be a time of sadness too as they watch their child strive towards independence and in needing them less. For others, it is a time of celebrating the maturity they see or conversely, worrying if their teen will ever grow up and be less self-absorbed. There are many feelings both for the teen and the parent. What is clear is that teens need parents to be patient and to just keep taking care of them. We don’t need to retire ourselves too prematurely, nor should we cling to them out of our own emotional needs. The good news is that a teen still need parents to lean on, we just need to try and keep a sense of humour as they switch from acting mature to being immature in a matter of minutes. I still laugh remembering my teenage niece argue with her mother that the signs on the side of the road that said to “beware of the bears” were a complete sham and that there were no bears in the area. My sister realized arguing with her was pointless, so she just let her talk and vent her feelings and thoughts. A couple of hours later a bear wandered by their cabin – a perfect message to the mother to hold on and to laugh at the absurd ways of the teen.

What teens can’t say and parents need to know is that our job is not done yet – but we do need to think about how we go about caring for them a little differently. We need to find ways to be less direct, to listen more, validate feelings and thoughts where we can, give them room to discover who they are, and keep our relationship strong. Finding ways to be close to a teen without being pushy is imperative as is talking to them without being full of commands. Relationships are for life and when our teens change, we need to change too, and to find new ways to hold onto what is most important to us.

The Emotional Roots of Anxiety

Originally printed in the Summer 2018 Edition of EcoParent Magazine – www.ecoparent.ca

The Emotional Roots of Anxiety: Healing Through Connection

From waves of panic to uneasy feelings that rise up from the gut, anxiety is a universal human experience. It comes as no surprise then, that anxiety continues to be one of the most commonly diagnosed mental health issues in children and adults today, with the World Health Organization naming it as one of the leading concerns among children ages 4 to 17 worldwide.

What is anxiety? It is usually accompanied by symptoms such as agitation, incessant worrying, trouble focusing, panic, feeling full of fear, nightmares, and clinging behaviour. My 5-year old daughter once asked, “Mommy, why does it feel like my tummy is making butter?” That churning feeling that comes with anxiety, along with many other physical and emotional symptoms, alerts us to the fact that we are stirred up. Despite reassurance from others that there is nothing to worry about, anxiety can sink its teeth in deep and hold on.

When the mind and body are in turmoil, anxiety will follow wherever you go – from your bed to the dinner table, and to school. The problem is that its symptoms tell us very little about what is at the root of the feelings. Parents often turn to their kids for answers asking, “What is the matter?” When they are met with blank stares, puzzling explanations, or protestations of, “I don’t know!” it can elevate a parent’s anxiety as well.

The problem with anxiety is we cannot make headway unless we can make sense of it at its root level, as asserted by Gordon Neufeld, an internationally respected developmental and attachment-based psychologist. There is an epicentre to anxiety, but we often dance around its symptoms instead of reaching into its core, where the real problem lies.

Perceiving past the symptoms

The key to understanding anxiety is to name the emotion that drives it: alarm. When a threat is detected by the brain’s surveillance system, it responds by releasing a cascade of chemicals that literally changes our physiology and enables us to quickly respond. When separation has opened up, the brain will respond with increased alarm, frustration, and pursuit in order to close the distance.

To do this, we need to first identify the most fundamental need of all humans. The one non-negotiable thing that all children and adults require for healthy emotional growth and well-being is attachment. As an interdependent species, we were designed to hunger for contact and closeness from each other, and it is through attachment that we are able to raise children, to care for each other, and create a civil society.

The purpose of attachment is to ensure that children depend on their adults to guide and protect them and that we, in turn, provide these things. When children lean into you for caretaking, they are willing to follow, listen, attend, orient to, and obey. The deeper a child’s attachment roots, the greater their capacity to reach their potential as a social, separate, and adaptive being.

If relational attachment is the greatest of all human needs, then what is the most impactful and alarming of all experiences? The answer is separation—to find yourself apart from your attachments, which pushes the brain’s alarm system into full tilt as it tries to close the void that has opened up. You can witness a young child’s desperate pursuit to get back into attachment when you tell them it’s time for bed and they begin clamouring for one more drink of water, a snack, a trip to the bathroom, another story, or plead, as one clever boy told his father, “Please come back—the spiders keep throwing me out of bed.” Separation is provocative because attachment is key to our survival.

What sets off alarm bells?

There are many sources of separation that children can experience, from the obvious ones like moving houses, starting school, parents divorcing, or the loss of a loved one. But there are other surprising sources such as healthy growth, which pushes the preschooler to explore and use their imagination, the middle-schooler to try new things, and the teenager to figure out who they are and what they want to do with their life. At every age there are different developmental issues to face, each bringing an element of existential alarm with it. As Gordon Neufeld states, we don’t teach 3-year-olds about monsters which they then become afraid of, it is their fear that creates the monsters in the first place.

Other sources of separation for kids include discipline that uses what a child cares about against them, euphemized as “consequences”, “tough love”, or “time-outs”. These techniques use separation to alarm a child so that they will behave better but they backfire as they render an adult an adversary and, with this, reduce a child’s desire to please or work towards meeting their adult’s expectations. Relationship is the vehicle for getting a child to drive in a different direction, but separation discipline throws this off course and leaves relational insecurity in its wake.

Separation alarm is also created when our children fuse with friends to the exclusion of their adults. Referred to as “peer orientation”, this gives rise to children with alarm problems because their peers are largely immature and impulsive, sometimes hurtful, substitutes. One day your child belongs in the group, the next day they don’t, and the fickle friendships and wounding ways of kids especially hurt those who are more dependent on their same-age friends than their adults. Friends are important, but children weren’t meant to be the answer to each other’s fundamental attachment needs.

Separation alarm can also be attributed to physical separation like the loss of a parent to a new job, travel, injury, sickness, or the introduction of a new partner. Even success can create alarming feelings as the child lives in fear that they could lose the advances they have gained. Sensitive children who feel they are too much for their parents to handle are often full of anxiety because exasperated adults convey they don’t know how to take care of them, leading to insecurity.

Separation alarm has the power to drive temporary anxiety symptoms to more chronic levels that can pervade all areas of life. The fall-out from chronic anxiety may lead to additional behavioural problems such as anger, agitation, feeling overwhelmed, disconnection, and depression, which can be misinterpreted, or overreacted to, by adults. While the symptoms of anxiety and sources of separation for kids become better understood, concurrent research suggests that if separation is the problem, then surely connection will be the cure.

Bridging the void

What if we stopped for a moment and considered whether anxiety was, in fact, exactly what the brain wanted and intended? What if we looked at the emotion of alarm as having a very important job to do by noisily alerting parents that something isn’t right in a child’s world? And what if the brain is actually working well when it is alarmed and the problem is not the alarm, per se, but rather how long and how hard the brain has to work to gain our attention by way of anxiety symptoms, which serve to draw people close to increase connection and close painful separation voids?

There are many things adults can do to increase connection and reduce alarm, but the guiding objective should be to bring a child to emotional rest. This can be facilitated by coming alongside and conveying a desire to be with them, to show care and read their needs, and take the lead in fulfilling them wherever possible. For example, if they are anxious at night-time, being generous with contact and closeness will help them rest better. When a child closes their eyes at night, they are separated from you. Bridging this divide can involve telling them about the plans for the following day, staying with them until they fall asleep, or tying invisible strings around your beds to hold you together; if only in your child’s imagination. Making room for their alarm and letting them know it’s your job to worry about their sleep—not theirs—can go a long way in helping your child see you as in-charge, and able and willing to care for them.

If a child is anxious, it is also important to shield them from further causes of frustration wherever possible—from relationships that don’t work well to avoiding introduction of new sources of separation. When a child is alarmed, it is a time to prune out unnecessary separations and focus on tethering them to the adults in their life. This can be achieved by orienting them to the invisible matrix of adults that will care for them. For example, telling a child, “When I take you to school, your teacher will take over for me. They are in charge, I trust them to care for you, and they know how to reach me if you need me. I will look forward to picking you up, too,” helps to assure them that they are safe and loved, can feel connected to the adult who will take your place in your absence, and that you are never far away for long.

If separation discipline is being used in the home, it is also necessary to move away from time-outs and punitive consequences to more attachment and developmentally-friendly discipline, such as collecting a child before directing. This involves getting into their space in a friendly way, interacting with them in a positive manner, engaging in conversation, or paying attention to what they are focusing on, until you can feel the child warm up, start to listen, and want to follow. Using structure and routine to help them navigate their day also helps them feel safe. Kids who are anxious love ritual because it’s predictable, thus, providing security.

Letting out

Tears are the antithesis to alarm because they serve to drain the system and allow rest by neutralizing the chemicals associated with it. One of the most important ways we can bring our children to emotional rest is to facilitate tears when they are up against things that frustrate them. From the small things to the big upsets in their life, if an adult is willing to come alongside a child and make room for some tears, this can temporarily reduce restlessness, fear, and agitation.

To help a child to their tears, we need to meet them with empathy and warmth. Focus sincerely on what is upsetting them, despite how small or insignificant it may seem to us. Sometimes a parent may become upset by what they hear from a child, but it is best not to show these emotions and to find another adult to debrief with. Every child needs to feel confident that they are not too much for their adult to handle, that their feelings aren’t too big or scary to express, and that there is no situation that they won’t receive support with.

When a child is anxious, what we cannot lose sight of is how separation instigates the alarm behind it and that relationship is the vehicle through which healing occurs. When a child can safely feel their fear in a vulnerable way, they will be on the road to making sense of the emotions associated with alarm. When they can see and name what it is that stirs them up, and can freely express their emotions, they will be brought to emotional rest and find the courage to face the hard things. This process of holding onto and guiding them through alarming feelings and times will help them reaffirm the faith they have in their caregivers to love and take care of them exactly as they are.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and resource centre for families.

True Play: Why Kids Need Play Sanctuaries for Their Emotions

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Spring 2018. View the original article here –

Part 1: play sanctuaries Part 2: play sanctuaries

Play is not urgent. It will not wake a child up in the middle of the night like a bad dream or a bladder in need of release. Play isn’t something that hijacks a child’s attention like an empty stomach in need of food or an injury in need of first aid. While the instinct to play is inherent to all mammal species, it isn’t bossy nor does it demand the space it requires.

Play is often pushed to the side when other things take over, such as structured activities, shopping, or screen time. Play is often seen as frivolous, something that happens when more important things like math or reading are finished. While we readily accept that getting ‘lost in play’ should be part of childhood, it is often treated as a luxury and undervalued.

However, play is critical to a child’s overall development; it is like oxygen. Play gives children the space to master life skills. It also fosters brain integration and creates a networked system that will be used in problem solving and creativity. When a child is at play, they are leaping ahead developmentally and forming a sense of identity and self-agency. Play serves a purpose, but we fail to recognize nature’s intention in hard wiring the play instinct into us.

True Play

It would be a mistake to assume that all play is created equal. Based on the relational and developmental approach of psychologist Gordon Neufeld, true play does not involve work or a focus on outcomes, such as task mastery or learning. True play is also not for real: there are no consequences that come with their actions, like pretending to burn their food, get married, or crash race cars. True play allows a child to project what is within on the things that surround them; for example, animal figures may come alive with frustration while pretend babies feign helplessness.

True play also requires a sense of safety, the type where one is not subject to being emotionally wounded by others. Play is engaging and holds one’s attention, unless other pressing matters jump into view. Finally, in play there is a sense of freedom that one is not bounded by the limitations inherent to the human form, because anything is possible in our imagination.

There are many things that masquerade as play but do not meet the criteria for true play, such as video games or structured activities. Video games are built on someone else’s story line or algorithms, while structured activities like soccer or swimming have specific outcomes. The type of play children need is not based on putting things into them, but drawing out what already exists inside. In play, the goal is not to push a form onto a child but rather to free their spirit to explore, discover, and to express itself.

Play Serves Emotion

One of the most important functions play serves is in the development of a child’s emotional system and preserving psychological well- being. According to neuroscientists, emotional development is as sophisticated as cognitive development, but it needs a playground to grow and evolve in.

Children are born with immature systems and cannot differentiate among their emotions. This is why young kids are known forspontaneously spewing out intense emotion and being surprised by their own outbursts. They often lack words to explain or make sense of what has stirred them up. Sophistication in managing one’s emotions relies on being able to express emotion, translate emotion into a ‘feeling word’, feel vulnerably, and on having sufficient brain development so as to temper one’s reactions and reflect on them.

The challenge is that this type of growth occurs best when the emotional system doesn’t have to work at solving problems for a child in real life – like getting someone close to you, or when you are scared and frustrated and need help. Brain integration is most formidable when the child is not preoccupied with survival needs, like attachment and safety. The beautiful thing about true play is that it provides the brain with the rest it needs to forward development. True play is not work, not real, and is expressive, which allows it to act as a shield for emotional expression. Play is rest, and this permits growth.

Play affords a child the room to safely examine an emotion and to experiment with words and actions to go with it. For example, as a child expresses frustration in play they come to know it better in themself, and when they care for their ‘babies’, they unlock the caring instincts that will fuel their own parenting one day. As Gordon Neufeld states, curiosity is ‘attention at play’ and children will naturally seek to have a relationship with the emotional currents that move within them.

Play Allows For Emotional Expression Without Repercussion

In his book Playing and Reality, the paediatrician Donald Winnicott wrote that whatever exists needs to be expressed. Emotion is like this: it constantly seeks expression. Emotions are the workhorses of the motivational system; they are not themselves problems, but they are trying to solve them. For example, if a child is scared, the emotional system will jump into gear and launch a child to cling to someone for safety or to retreat in fear. When a child is feeling pushed or coerced, the emotion of resistance will jump to the surface to thwart being overrun by someone else’s agenda.

The beauty of true play is that it allows a child to express emotion without being judged. There should be room to express all emotions in play – from frustration to resistance – and a child should be able to ‘get behaviour wrong’ because it doesn’t count. Hitting someone in reality will bring consequences, but experiencing the desire to hit or rather to free eir hurt something imaginary or lifeless in play should not. Being scared in play doesn’t require that one hide for safety. Being sad in play doesn’t activate real tears because the loss is pretend. ‘Better out than in’ is the modus operandi of the emotional system, and it doesn’t mind at all that it comes out in play. In fact, the more it comes out in play, the less emotion needs to come out everywhere else.

The actions and emotions present in play are re ective of how a child is stirred up. When frustrated they may build and construct things, change and control how things unfold or evolve. Frustration play can also include destruction too, with crashing and burning to the ground as evidence of not everything going according to plan.

Play can be fuelled with the emotion of alarm and fear with scary creatures and villains emerging. For example, while working with a family where a mother was undergoing cancer treatment, her son was constantly frustrated and alarmed. The father started to create a safe place for his son to play out his emotions. His son loved cats, so the father played ‘lions’ which included growling, snipping and snarling, as well as dealing with the constant fear of being attacked. His son’s emotional system jumped into action, took the bait, and expressed itself all over the place in lion form. It provided much healing, rest, and resiliency for the child, and it never required him to connect the dots to cancer in his family.

One of the beautiful things inherent in play is that it ultimately answers to whatever expression is required in the child at the time. After my children witnessed a theft at a retail store they broke out in alarm-based play at home. Unsavoury characters like “Stick up Steve” and “Break out Bob” started to appear. When Steve and Bob were eventually caught after much crashing, banging, and screaming, they were given a lecture and trapped under the stairs so that they couldn’t hurt anyone else. In an effortless and timely manner, play answered their emotional world and provided release with safety included.

When deprived of true play, emotional expression will be thwarted, leaving a child’s behaviour increasingly restless and more prone to outbursts. The emotional system needs to move. When it comes to a standstill, it is catastrophic for functioning and well-being: pent-up emotion takes on a life of its own, leading to potential explosions of great intensity. One of the best prescriptions for a child’s troubled emotional world is play. It is nature’s true therapy.

In play, the goal is. not to push a form onto a child but rather to free their spirit to explore, discover, and to express itself.

Creating Play Sanctuaries for True Play

The late neuroscientist Jaak Pankseep argued that children need play sanctuaries to serve their emotional systems. Why? Because true play has become increasingly endangered in a work- and outcome-driven society. The idea that rest brings growth or that freedom from work is a requirement for well-being is denigrated for the sake of getting ahead, achievement, and the pursuit of material goods. While we acknowledge the need for play on one hand, we are concerned our kids will get ‘left behind’ if we don’t make them work at academics, participate in structured activities, or perform.

The word sanctuary means a place to protect and preserve something that is sacred. A sanctuary is a haven, oasis, harbour, or shelter, and is meant to provide immunity from external pressures. Just as play doesn’t demand time and space, neither will sanctuaries appear on their own. We need to take an active stance in fostering natural reserves in a child’s life, so that play doesn’t get lost – and emotional maturity and well-being with it.

Play is a spontaneous act and cannot be summoned on command. We need to provide emotional support so that kids can get there and create bounded spaces that provide the freedom to play. Here are two key strategies to do just that:

1/ Focus on relationship

The bias to explore, express, and release oneself to play is activated when a child’s relational needs are met. A child is free to play when they don’t have to worry about whether their hunger for contact and closeness will be lled. When they can take for granted that an adult will provide for them in a generous and consistent way, separation anxiety will not hijack their attention.

Children under the age of three are largely preoccupied with their attachment needs so play is typically done in short bursts with adults and others nearby. When they become more independent and want to venture out on their own, they are more likely to get ‘lost in play’ for increasing periods. By the time a child is 5 years of age, they should ideally be able to play for extended periods – on their own and with others.

To foster play, adults can collect a child’s attention and engage them for the purpose of connection. This could involve feeding them, talking to them, sharing an interest or activity with them, or telling them the plan for the day. When a child is connected, the adult can then move them towards a space created for play, and retreat when the child’s play has taken over. The space could contain anything children are free to express themselves on, from a sheet of paper for colouring, to pots and pans to bang on, to a playground with slides and things to climb on. The best environment is one that allows a child the freedom to explore without being overly prescriptive as to what this should look like, other than ensuring reasonable safety parameters.

2/ Create empty space and embrace boredom

We can set the stage for play by not allowing things that interfere with it to get in the way, such as screens that entertain or provide information, instruction, schooling, and structured activities, and by playing with others where the child is in a passive position. The key is to create a space that is free of work, responsibilities, or performance. When we do this, all that is left is for children to sit in the empty space that we have created.

When we remove all of the things that distract a child and which create noise around them, it allows them to tune into the noise that is within. Sometimes this is uncomfortable and kids might say “I’m bored”, which is really about vulnerably feeling the void that has opened up. When we allow them to sit in the boredom, the play instinct should take the lead and move them to expression.

Instead of seeing boredom as something we need to fix, we need to reframe it as the child’s internal world calling them to play.

For children who are chronically bored and their play instinct doesn’t take over in the spaces we create for them, we can lead them into play through our relationship (while also considering why a child is emotionally flat-lining). For example, while doing yard supervision at a school, I noticed a 6-year old standing on his own. I asked him why he wasn’t playing and he said he was bored. This became a repetitive story I heard each lunch-time as I checked in with him. One day I told him I had some special fall leaves to show him and that all the kids were playing in them. He still wasn’t interested but followed me to have a look. With some playful prompts from me, he followed as I marched through the leaves and copied as I threw them into the air. While he could not initiate play on his own, he could be drawn into play through relationship.

Carl Jung wrote, “The creation of something is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct.” Human development is one of those creations and won’t be achieved by thinking our way into maturity, but rather by playing our way there. We need to create play sanctuaries to protect this invisible force that lies waiting and dormant inside of us. We also need the courage to release our kids and ourselves to play, and to let it carry our hearts when they are hurting the most.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Spring 2018.

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Infographic – The Preschooler Personality

Preschoolers know much better than they behave, and their good intentions can be short lived. There is no better test to adult maturity than the immature ways of the preschooler. The secret to taking care of them is to understand their immaturity isn’t a mistake but part of their developmental design. This infographic summarizes the characteristics that often frustrate or baffle adults but are part of the preschooler’s nature.

Three Irreducible Needs That All Kids Need to Thrive

Raffi Cavoukian , a children’s singer, songwriter, and child advocate, wrote a song titled – All I really need – which beautifully captures from a child’s perspective their most essential needs. Raffi sings, “All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family.” Every time I listen to this song I hear an unspoken message directed at adults as to what our children really need in order to thrive.

Developmental science is also clear on the three irreducible needs of kids – the need for play, tears, and relationship. These three things are critical ingredients in helping kids grow to become socially and emotionally responsible individuals capable of setting their own goals, adapting to their environment and being resilient in the face or adversity, and feeling empathy for others. This is what maturity should look like but without the right conditions, this growth cannot be assured.

We all know people who look like grown ups but behave like preschoolers. There is a difference between being young at heart and being immature – such as blaming others for one’s problems, having a hard time not getting their way, demanding and commanding others as to how to take care of them, and behaving impulsively. How do we explain this lack of maturity? When there are deficits in a child’s environment in providing for their irreducible needs, then development can be impacted and maturity hampered.

The Irreducible Need for True Play

Play is the birthplace of personhood. It is where a child gets their hands on the steering wheel of their own life and experiments under the direction of their body, heart, and mind. Kids need a place that is free of consequences in order to practice and explore.

Humans come with an innate desire to make sense of things, to pursue goals, and to discover who they are. We cannot force a child to play or do it for them, it is an instinct that drives them to emerge as their own person that can only be unlocked in play. As any three year old will declare while in the process of figuring things out – “I do it myself!”

We don’t have to teach our kids how to play – it is innate. Our job is to create the space for them to play that is contained, safe from emotional wounding, and allows for the freedom of movement and expression. In other words, playgrounds often have gates and fences around them leaving kids free to explore the space that is within.

Some kids are drawn to movement and to use their bodies to jump, climb, dance, or run. Others like to explore and examine, while some like to take items in their world and design something new. Each child has a particular bent for expressing their internal world, it is our job to facilitate the expression of it by creating spaces where this can be unleashed.

What gets in the way of children’s play? One of the main challenges to play is the push towards academics, particularly in the early years. The trend towards early instruction and schooling is alarming and unfounded based on decades of research in developmental science. For example, in my community there are children showing up in kindergarten unable to play, that is, they look at their teacher and say they don’t know how when told it is time to. Upon closer examination, their preschool years have been full of instruction, schooling, and structured activities. Instead of hearing parents sound alarm bells about the loss of play (the teacher did!), there was a sense of pride that a child could read or do math at an early age. Earlier is not better – not according to science. We can train and make kids work and perform at early ages but at what cost to their development? What happens when kids are made to work instead of play?

Play affords a child a safe space for emotional expression and this is critical to well-being and maturity. Kids go through many types of emotions in play, acting out their feelings in the safety of pretend and make believe. When play isn’t ‘for real,’ then the consequences of emotional expression are minimized and offer them the freedom to release whatever is stirring them up. The loss of play has been correlated in research with increasing rates of attention, anxiety, depression, and aggression in kids. Play preserves children emotionally.

The problem is we don’t value play the same way we do work and outcomes. Play is viewed as something kids do in their spare time and even this has become endangered. Children’s time is increasingly filled with screens, structured activities, and instruction. While screens have become easy targets in bemoaning the loss of play, research suggests that one of the biggest losses in kid’s time is due to the increased amount of time they spend shopping – a 168% rise over a 15 year period.

Without play our children cannot grow. There are no shortcuts here, no substitutes, and no pill that can serve as a substitute for what play provides. Parents need to be a gatekeeper to the things that erode time and space for play. Children need to have a song in their heart as Raffi says, because this is the sound of play inside of a child that is seeking expression in the world around them.

The Irreducible Need for Tears

Humans are born with the inherent capacity to be adaptable and resilient. We should be able to thrive despite adversity, to handle not getting our way, survive lack and loss, and be transformed in the process. This is the potential that exists in each of us and it will only be realized when we have a relationship with tears and sadness.

The capacity to feel sad is one of the best indicators of emotional health in a child. When vulnerable feelings can be expressed it indicates that a child’s environment is helping to preserve or protect a child’s heart. Emotions are what drive a child to mature when they care about others and themselves, care about learning, care about their behaviour and how they act, and care enough to face their fears.

Tears signify loss and separation from something we desire or when we are up against the things we cannot change. When it registers in the brain that something is futile – it cannot be or cannot change – then there is an emotional download and sadness is the end result. It is here, in this place where we have to let go of our agenda and feel the upset around it, that we are changed by the emotional shift. When it vulnerably registers that we can’t always get what we want, it will also resonate that we can also handle adversity. Tears are not something to be feared but something to be embraced in the process of learning.

What gets in the way of supporting kid’s from expressing sadness or in crying? Sometimes adults are too impatient, busy, or frustrated which leaves little patience and room for a child’s emotional needs. Sometimes the messages we send kids is that we value happiness and ‘positive feelings’ more and suggest that sadness or upset is not welcome or warranted. Phrases such as, “turn that frown upsidedown,” or “you are not filling someone’s bucket today,” can put the focus on people pleasing instead of emotional integrity. We cannot tell our children to be honest, speak their mind, and tell us their secrets, while at the same time tell them to change or deny what they are feeling because it doesn’t serve them or us.

Many parents tell me that when they were a child they were not raised being able to cry or express sadness when things didn’t work out. They often feel that because they were not supported this way, they are therefore unable to support their own kids too. But the capacity to help someone when they feel sad or upset is not something you need to learn, rather, it is something we already know how to answer with comfort, contact, and closeness. We just need to show up and be present when our kids need to feel vulnerably and express what they are going through.

You don’t have to agree with a child’s thoughts or actions in order to help them find their tears either. We can come alongside their emotions and make room for their expression without condoning that immature behaviour is okay. We can acknowledge that something is frustrating for them and welcome the tears that need to drain the frustration that is built up. Saying no is part of an adult’s role in a child’s life – and so is helping them find their tears when they can’t change the no’s that are there.

If a child can no longer say they are sad, upset, or lose the capacity to cry, it will be the adults in their life that will need to consider how to lead a child back to a place where they can feel vulnerably. When caring feelings go missing, it can be for many reasons including inhibition by the brain in order to preserve emotional well-being. If caring about something hurts too much, the brain simply responds by inhibiting the experience of caring feelings. Sometimes hearts can harden but there is much adults can do to help them thaw.

The Irreducible Need for Relationship

Children cannot thrive without relationships. They need relationships with adults who generously invite them to be in their presence, who display an unwavering capacity to hold onto them despite conduct and performance – while at the same time, lead the child to behave in ways that are civil, mature, and emotionally responsible towards others.

While I was at a hockey game the other night, I watched a father and his 7-year old son interact as they sat in front of me. It was clear his son was excited to be at the hockey game as well as impatient in only being able to move within the narrow confines of his chair. I watched the boy move around in his seat and buzz with energy as he watched the game, engaged with his Dad, and playfully interacted with his friend. I watched as his father gave him some space to express his energy until it crossed a line where it became too much and annoying to others around him – like when he started to kick the chair in front of him. The father leaned down, brought his head to his son’s ear and gave him direction, “I need you to stop kicking the chair and to sit in your seat for 10 more minutes.” The effect was immediate but what was remarkable was the warm yet firm way the father dealt with his son. It was clear to me his son was moved to obey his father not out of fear but respect – this is relationship at it’s finest.

What healthy relationships deliver to children is the ability to rest and trust in the care of an adult to lead them. A child’s immaturity means they will behave poorly at times and express themselves inappropriately. What kids need is to lean on adults who can lead them through these impasses while preserving their relationship. It is a child’s dependency on an adult that facilitates their growth towards independence. In other words, unless you are rooted relationally, you cannot stretch and grow towards your own human potential.

There are many ways we can facilitate healthy relationships with our kids including:

Engage them in conversation and listen with full attention
Do things together that bring out your enjoyment in being with them
Remember what is important to them and surprise them with your knowledge
Get there first when it comes to meeting their needs, that is, come before they call you for another kiss goodnight or be ready to feed them before they get ‘hangry’
When they are not behaving well, convey what isn’t okay while also conveying that your relationship still is
Don’t be afraid to lead them and call the shots when appropriate, inviting tears when needed

What Raffi seems to get so clearly in his song, All I really need, is how adults are partners in playing midwife to a child’s maturity. Kids have songs in their hearts because they should be instinctively moved to play. They need food in their bellies and love in their families which is about their hunger for attachment and to be cared for. Add in some tears and the capacity to feel sad and you have the three irreducible needs that all children require based on decades of cultural wisdom and developmental science. Simple? Yes – but these three things require a great deal of time, energy, commitment, and patience on the part of adults.

If you take the long view on human development you quickly realize there is no pill that can substitute for maturity. Nature has a plan to grow our kids up and of we do our job then we can trust in nature to do the rest. We need to play midwife to the potential for maturity that lies within each of our children.