Boys Need to Do More Than Cry

The sentiment that boys need to cry is a common cliche but it eclipses a more important truth beneath it. Emotional expression in males is a social issue and boys need to do more than shed tears – they need to feel all their emotions.

Emotional vulnerability is at the root of what makes us fully human and humane. It is caring about others that fuels empathy and consideration. It is caring in the face of fear that moves us to display true courage. It is caring when we are frustrated that creates patience. Caring is one of the most important emotions that serve to civilize us. Tears are significant but they only tell part of the emotional story.

The better question to ask when it comes to boys (and girls too), is whether they have a ‘soft heart’ and can express their vulnerable feelings? This is what underlies tears and is at the root of emotional well-being and maturity. Tears are one of the best indicators of a healthy emotional system but there are many others feelings such as shyness, embarrassment, shame, fulfillment, emptiness, insecurity, appreciation, compassion, concern, apprehension, guilt, and being hurt. In a longitudinal, meta-analysis research study of the rates of empathy in youth in the US, a decline of 48% was noted over a 30-year period(1). What we should be focusing on is how to keep our boy’s heart’s soft and to figure out why their caring is going missing in the first place.

According to Tom Lutz, author of Crying: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears, part of the challenge are the differing perceptions on the value of having a ‘soft heart.’ Lutz offers two categories of thought when it comes to tears, that of the ‘criers’ and the ‘dry eyed.’ Criers value tears and the release of emotion but this belief is routinely pitted against the ‘dry eyed’ group who display contempt for tears and sentimentality, as well as feeling manipulated when others cry. Men are most likely to fall into the ‘dry eyed’ group states Lutz.

On the surface, it would seem a change in values might be enough to encourage and promote tears among the dry eyed but this is too simplistic and doesn’t get at the heart of the vulnerability problem. Responses to tears that are dismissive or devaluing often have more to do with a hardened heart and signal emotional defenses against vulnerable feelings. In other words, the brain has the capacity to press down on emotional awareness and expression, coined by neuroscientists as ‘emotional inhibition.’ A lack of tears and contempt for them is the anthem of the defended and hard hearted.

Emotional suppression is part of the brain’s sophisticated sacrifice play to ensure that anything that would be too overwhelming, interfere with attachment needs being met, or would get in the way of fixing a problem, doesn’t become conscious and felt vulnerably. It is important to recognize there is a difference between not expressing emotion and being defended against feelings. Feeling safe and trusting other people with vulnerable feelings is a matter of attachment. Unless a close relationship exists, we should not expect someone to share their feelings with us.

There are five signs to look for that indicate emotional numbing and inhibition may be present:

They no longer talk about what distresses or their hurt feelings
They no longer feel unsafe or alarmed when they should be
They no longer see rejection from others or they can’t stay out of harm’s way
They no longer adapt to the lacks and losses in their life, which is often accompanied by increased frustration and aggression
They no longer feel emptiness or desire, just a chronic level of boredom

How to Keep Boy’s Hearts Soft

If there were a goal with boys it would be to ensure that there is an invitation for all their emotions. If we construct notions of masculinity that do not include an invitation for caring or sadness, we do a disservice to our boys just as we do for girls when we focus on being nice and supressing their expressions of frustration or resistance. The more room we give our children to communicate to us about their emotional world, the less likely their brain will suppress their vulnerable feelings. The more our children can feel, the more caring they will be.

There are five things we can do to help keep our boy’s hearts soft:

Shield the heart with a caring attachment – When a child feels they matter to adults, then what others think or say about them will matter less. It is attachment that shields the emotional system from being critically hurt by rejection, betrayal, and a lack of belonging. While adversity is part of life, it is the experience of being alone while facing it that can be the most emotionally wounding for a child. Kids need to believe their adults are loyal to them.
Protect from wounding experiences where appropriate – If it is clear a child is in a relationship that is emotionally wounding, it is time to consider whether you can reduce contact, help them attach to others who are safer, or to provide alternative activities to decrease wounding. By changing the context for a child, you can prevent the brain from needing to protect against emotional wounding.
Lead into vulnerable territory – Kids adopt the values of the people they are closest to so if their adults lead discussions into more vulnerable territory, they are likely to follow. We can’t always expect a child to come to us when they are upset, it is the role of the adult to take notice and to draw them out when appropriate.
Display warmth and invitation for expression– The expression of warmth, delight and enjoyment for a child can draw them near and encourage them to open up. It is safety in the relationship and a belief that it won’t be withdrawn if they were to share vulnerable feelings that matters most. If a child is shamed or belittled for voicing their feelings, they will be less likely to reveal them again to their adult.
Validate and support displays of sadness, including tears – Boys can feel sad without shedding tears and it is important to meet them where they are at. It is also important not to force contrived expressions of sadness or suggest they are not doing something right when it comes to their feelings.

We don’t need to tell our boys to cry and we don’t need to become preoccupied with whether they have shed any tears. If we do our job well and keep our boy’s hearts soft while inviting their emotional expression, then nature will do the rest and naturally move them to their tears. We don’t need to work on our boys but on our relationships with them. When they feel we are holding onto them, they will lean on us emotionally.

References

(1) Sara H. Konrath, Edward H. O’Brien, and Courtney Hsing, “Changes in dispositional empathy in American college students over time: A meta-analysis,” Personality and Social Psychology Review 15 (2011): 180–98.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

Ten Things Not To Do When a Child is Frustrated or Having a Tantrum

Every child seems to have their own signature move when it comes to lashing out in frustration including screaming, kicking, yelling, throwing, stomping, name calling, to self attack. Knowing how to lead a child through their emotional storms can feel challenging.

Frustration is an emotion that is hard wired into the brain at birth. It is the emotion that fuels us to change what doesn’t work and sometimes, we will have to be the one that changes too. Frustration is a powerful force that lies dormant, ready to be activated when needed.

The good news is children should naturally develop more self control when frustrated between 5 to 7 years of age (7 to 9 for more sensitive kids), if brain development is unfolding well. They will begin to be able to make choices as to what to do when they are frustrated rather than acting impulsively on their emotions.

Part of the challenge is that untempered frustration can turn to aggression and be harmful to the self or to others. Diligent adults want to teach and show a child the right way to respond but in the process, can make matters worse by doing one of the following ten things. Not only can these increase frustration, they can prevent a child from developing a sense of impulse control around this powerful emotion.

Don’t increase a child’s frustration by threatening them or using punishment – When kids are frustrated they are emotionally stirred up. The use of consequences, threats, or time-outs adds to their frustration thereby increasingly the likelihood of further eruptions of attacking behaviour. While we can’t let a child simply attack or hurt others, we can convey what isn’t working by simply stating the obvious, e.g., arms are not for hitting, and find a way to allow for eruption without repercussion to others. While we are firm on our limits and restrictions, we need to deescalate the situation rather than increase frustration and aggression.

The problem is some adults believe this type of approach rewards a child or ‘lets them get away with it.’ This view stems from a behavioural approach and ignores the role of emotion in behaviour. Conversely, from a developmental and relational perspective, one of the most important tasks an adult has is to help a child with developing self control and being able to use civilized forms of expression to communicate their feelings. When we increase a child’s frustration we become an adversary and lose our relationship in the process, the very thing that we need to help them become more mature.
Don’t convey you don’t know what to do with the child – When a child is frustrated and an adult tells them, “I don’t know what to do with you,” or “you are too much for me,” it reveals they feel impotent in the face of their child’s big emotions. Not only can it fuel greater frustration, it can also lead to insecurity in the relationship.
Don’t convey there is a problem with the feeling of frustration – Frustration is a powerful emotion that is meant to fuel change or the process of being transformed by what cannot be changed. For example, a child learns they can handle not getting another cookie, losing a game, to getting a bad mark from their teacher. When we convey to a child that they need to stop feeling frustrated we will thwart their understanding of this emotional reservoir that helps them change things. The problem with frustration is not the ‘feeling itself’ but in not being able to control it and unleashing it on others. Frustration that is channeled in a civilized way, will be the driving force for change when needed. We don’t want out children to stop feeling frustrated – we want them to steer through it in a mature fashion.
Don’t fail to lead a child through their frustration – While frustration needs to come out, adults still need to be responsible for keeping others safe, including the child. They should consider the environment they are in and whether they need to move a child to a place that is better suited for their emotional upset. We may need to consider whether we need to leave a public place or to hold onto the toys they are throwing at others, while also conveying we will take care of them. Adults need to lead and not ignore a child who is frustrated in the hopes that they will just work it out.
Don’t use logic to solve a child’s emotional problem – When a child is frustrated they are having a powerful emotional response but this doesn’t stop adults from trying to use ‘logic’ to solve it. We may ask them ‘why are you upset’ or remind them that we have ‘told them 100 times’ as if a rational approach is the answer. We don’t need to talk our children out of their upset; rather, we need to lead them to their sadness and disappointment about the things that cannot change. When we focus on the head and reason, we usually lose their heart in the process, and with this the rest that only their tears can deliver.
Don’t punish them after the frustration and tantrum – As if frustration wasn’t bad enough, the idea of going back around and punishing a child after a tantrum is part of the behavioural approach as well. There is an underlying belief with this method that punishment is what grows a child up. What kids need after the fact is to understand what they were feeling, why they acted a certain way, that you are there to help them, and to offer direction on what they could do differently. When you have a child’s heart they are inclined to follow your lead. If you lose the lead in the relationship by focusing on punishment, you are rendered an adversary. When punishment aims to control a child’s actions, you end up losing the capacity to influence them doing something different the next time around.
Don’t identify the child with their attacking behaviour – When a child is lashing out in frustration, adults can be quick to say things like, “good girls don’t hit,” or “why are you so mean?” This type of language is shaming and suggests that there is something inherently wrong with the child. A shift in direction can depersonalize their attack by saying things like, “your legs want to stomp because you are frustrated,” and “you have screams because you are upset.” Not only does it help the child see you as someone who will help them, it also allows them to connect frustration with their bodily reactions. When they are able to connect the dots this way, they will be better able to feel their frustration rising before it moves into action.
Don’t tell a child to cry or NOT to cry –While tears are usually the best remedy to foul frustration, we cannot force or command a child to cry. While we can convey we understand they are sad about what cannot change, our role is simply to pave the way for disappointment to occur naturally. At the same time, telling a child they should NOT cry only increases their frustration and the chance that it will turn into aggression. The idea that tears are not allowed conveys to a child that vulnerable feelings are not tolerated or supported. This is a dangerous message in the face of frustration, and one that can contribute to aggression problems.
Don’t tell them about your frustration in order to teach them about their own – The idea that we have to share our frustration with kids in order for them to understand their own misses the mark. When we make them focus on our feelings, their attention is no longer on their own. While we may think our emotions provide a ‘teachable moment’ to a child, it can also serve to confuse and alarm them. The goal is to help support a child understanding their emotions so when we add ours into the mix it can be overwhelming. This isn’t to suggest that we can’t talk about having frustration but the idea that we share our problems with our kids can turn them into our caretakers and reverse our roles.
Don’t tell a child to ‘cut it out’ or ‘stop being frustrated’ – Perhaps the hardest of all to realize about emotion is that it needs some room for expression. For the toddler it may be the screams, the preschooler the stomps, the kindergarten the words, or for the teen, the eye rolling. We all get frustrated and we all still lash out despite knowing better. The answer is not to cut out your frustration (which is impossible), but to find one’s caring in the face of it. When our caring is bigger than our frustration, the attacking forces are neutralized and we will find a more tempered response. It is the absence of caring that makes frustration more difficult and wounding. Kids under the age of 5 to 7 (7 to 9 years for sensitive kids) can’t experience caring and frustration at the same time so we will need to have to wait for brain development to deliver more impulse control. Until then, it will be our impulse control that helps lead kids through the emotional storms.

While there are many things that do not work and create more problems when our kids are frustrated, there are a number of things that will help. We need to give some space and room for emotional expression and to help them find words to match their internal feelings. While we can’t control an out of control child, we can change the circumstances we are in – such as leave restaurants or the dinner table. Walking a child to their tears is an important part of managing frustration. More information can be found in the article, You can’t always get what you want – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency.

When a child is full of attacking energy, we often lose our intuition as to the frustration that is driving it. With insight and awareness, we can ‘dance’ with our kids when they are frustrated and convey to them that we are there to help with these big feelings too.

When Play Ends and Boredom Begins

Understanding boredom in kids is serious business. A mother of a 7-year old boy sat in my office, clearly distressed and said, “I take away my son’s technology and tell him to go play but he has no patience and becomes frustrated which turns into aggression directed at his younger brother.” Nothing seemed to be working to dislodge his lack of enthusiasm and it was starting to take a toll on everyone in the house.

It’s not only parents who are concerned with boredom but researchers as well. Boredom is associated with an increase in rates of depression and anxiety (3), as well as triggering binge-eating leading to obesity (1). It can interfere with learning in the classroom and contributes to school drop-out (2). A survey of US teens revealed that those who reported being bored were 50% more likely than their peers to become involved with illegal drugs, alcohol, and smoking (1,4).

Unfortunately, boredom is prone to being misunderstood and leads to failing solutions such as reducing screen time, altering structured activities and instruction, as well as trying to resolve boredom by letting kids sit in it for a while. When boredom becomes characteristic of a child, we cannot afford to take it at face value. Engagement with the world is one of the best gauges of vitality and overall psychological health. When boredom is reported on a more frequent basis by a child, it can be a sign that development may be getting stuck.

What is boredom?

To answer the question of boredom, we need to first consider what is missing in a child who repeatedly tells us they are bored. A child over the age of three should ideally show signs of wanting to ‘do it myself’ with budding autonomy and independence becoming evident. They should also indicate an interest in learning about new and unknown things.

Kids who are thriving will often be able to shift into play or creative solitude when they are apart from their adults. Signs of vitality include having one’s own ideas, initiative, intentions, and interests. Children should be known for their imagination and curiosity, all of which go missing when a child is characteristically bored.

According to Gordon Neufeld, the problem with kids who are bored is one of emergent energy (5). The bias that drives a child to become their own separate person or independent being is missing or subdued. The word boredom comes from the word ‘to bore,’ indicating an internal void where energy should be coming from. Humans are born with instincts and emotions that should propel them towards seeking and engaging with their environment. Boredom indicates a lack of emergent energy or venturing forth spirit, a necessity if a child is to grow to become independent.

One of the problems with boredom is that when kids experience this void, they start looking for things to fill the internal hole and as a result, we mistakingly believe they need more stimulation. The more stimulation we give a bored child, the more we will miss what is driving their lack of emergent energy in the first place.

What gets missed with boredom is that there is no energy coming from within the child. The bias to become their own person is missing or flat lining. Instead of springing into action there is little energy or signs that they assume responsibility for their decisions or direction for their life. The problem is that the bias to emerge is a fragile energy that thrives only under the right conditions.

How can we help the bored child?

The answer to boredom that has become characteristic of a child is not to tell them to go play or to let them sit in this state, which will only widen and deepen the child’s internal void and lead to further agitation. While it is true that we will all likely experience boredom from time to time, special attention needs to be given to kids who consistently seem to dwell in this place.

The best measure to helping a bored child spring back to life needs to aim at the level of emotions and instincts. We need to get underneath boredom and focus on fueling what propels a child forward in the first place.

The most critical human need that drives seeking and engagement in one’s life is not the provision of food or shelter but of relationship. When a child is vacant and missing it will be their relationship with caring adults that will nourish them back to life. It is releasing them from their preoccupation with relational hunger that will free them from their greatest hunger. These caring adult relationships may need to help a child find the tears they need so that once emptied, they can start the process of feeling full again.

As a child goes missing, it is the adults in their life that will need to keep them moving – from getting them outside, to playing, to reading or doing schoolwork together. Instead of expecting them to figure things out, an adult will need to take the lead and compensate for what is not there until a child is restored to vitality again. It is also important to consider the reasons for the lack of emergent energy in a child – from too much separation in their close relationships, a lack of deep relationships with adults, or wounding from peers that has hardened the emotional system.

While the reasons for a child’s stuckness varies, the pathway to finding a way through does not. It is about filling them up with relationship so that the void inside is filled with us. When we kick start their heart, it will surge back to life and bring with it the spontaneous engagement in life that we long for. When a child has their emergent energy restored, they will venture forth and figure out who they are.

What every bored child needs is an offer to fill them up with an offer they can’t refuse – that of relationship and rest. It seems so simple but is yet so profound, the place that our children spring forth from is the same one where we are firmly planted.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Center. For more information www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

References

Maggie Koerth-Baker, January 12, 2016, Why boredom is anything but boring, Nature.com, http://www.nature.com/news/why-boredom-is-anything-but-boring-1.19140
Ulrike E. Nett, Elena C. Daschmann, Thomas Goetz, and Robert H. Stupinsky. How accurately can parents judge their children’s boredom in school? Front. Psychology, 30 June 2016, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00770
Shane W. Bench and Heather C. Lench, On the function of boredom. Sci.2013, 3(3), 459-472.
Michael Spaeth, Karina Weichold, Rainer Sibereisen. The development of leisure boredomin early adolescence: Predictors and longitudinal associations with delinquency and depression. Developmental Psychology, Vol 51(10), Oct, 2015. pp. 1380-1394.
Gordon Neufeld, 2013, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids. Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, neufeldinstitute.org.

Five Things You Might Not Know About Human Emotion

Humans are some of the most complex emotional creatures on earth. From our teenagers who roll their eyes in disdain to our toddlers who cry in frustration – raising kids has few emotional dull moments. What are we supposed to do with their emotions? Why are they so emotional in the first place?

Developmental science continues to unearth the pieces of the emotional puzzle, shedding light on why our kids are so emotional and how we are meant to help them. According to leading neuroscientist, V.S. Ramachandran, emotional development in humans is as sophisticated as the development of logical reasoning. There are a number of key principles that are not well understood when it comes to emotion with the top five listed here.

Emotions and feelings are not the same thing.

We often use the word emotion and feeling interchangeably but they refer to different things. Emotions are the raw impulses, chemical reactions, and action potential that is created when we become activated by something in our environment. The brain has a complex emotional system to deal with arousal which spurs our bodies into action.

Feelings on the other hand are the names and words we give to describe our emotion arousal. A feeling is the subjective appraisal we make for what has happened in our body that has stirred us up. The capacity to name our emotional state and give it a feeling name is something unique to humans and allows us to communicate with others and get our needs met. In short, emotions are the raw underpinnings that stir us up and feelings are how we use language to share this state with others.

Emotions are part of the unconsciousness.

Freud argued for the existence of an emotional unconscious and saw it as instrumental in influencing human behaviour. He eventually abandoned trying to prove it’s existence given his lack of tools and technology to study the brain. I believe Freud would have devoured the neuroscientific evidence today that highlights how we are not always aware of what emotions have stirred us up.

Humans possess an emotional unconscious that we are not always able to access and for good reason. Emotion has work to do. Emotions are what drive us forward to solve problems and effect change when needed. Awareness is a luxury in an emotional system that was designed to work at getting our needs met. A child who cries is not always aware of what is not working for them. This doesn’t stop their emotional system from creating signs of distress so as to bring caretakers near who can help them. In short, emotions are not problems – they are trying to solve them.

Emotions are not always expressed in the situations they were created in.

Emotions can come out of our kids in the strangest of places and at the most inopportune times. Emotions can be displaced such as when our kids explode in frustration after school or when they become agitated before bed time. This is not a mistake but part of a sophisticated design to ensure emotions come out when it is safe for them to do so. It is often better for a child’s emotional system to press down on strong emotions at school as it isn’t always wise to express how you feel among peers.

Doorways to emotional expression can happen at any time or place, with big reactions coming out in the face of small upsets. Emotional displacement can be confusing for adults as they are left to piece together why their child has come undone. The emotional system is like a pressure cooker in many ways. When things get pent up too much or when there is an opportunity provided to open up, the lid can come off.

Emotions need to be expressed.

Emotions are energizing and are meant to fuel us in moving towards getting our needs met. They can be expressed in a number of ways in order to discharge emotional energy. Emotions are expressed when kids play, move, scream, dance, or use their words. While they don’t always have control over how emotions are expressed because of immaturity, kids are moved to ‘get it out.’

Adults seem to hold onto the idea that if they give a child some room to express their emotions then that child might never stop expressing. The idea that expression leads to bigger emotional problems is faulty and fails to understand how emotion seeks expression in the first place. It is by helping a child ‘get it out,’ and dissipating the emotional energy that is trapped inside them, that we help them come to rest again. The biggest problems are not created by expressing emotions but in the absence of this.

Emotions can go missing.

We seem to operate under the false assumption that we are always capable of feeling our emotions in a vulnerable way. This is not true and unsupported by science. For example, children can get hurt yet appear unaffected. They can lack tears when faced with things that should upset them. Teens (and adults) can lack shame in the face of things they should be embarrassed by. The emotional system can press down on strong emotions when needed, and this is not part of conscious awareness. This is not a sign of a faulty system but one that is working hard to prevent vulnerable feelings from coming to the surface. The brain has its own reasons for numbing out emotions, but over the long term this poses challenges for healthy development. When hearts have become hardened, the goal is to render them soft again.

Carl Jung said that one of the most fascinating things to make sense of was the human psyche. I couldn’t agree with him more. The mysteries of the mind beginning with the complexity of the emotional system are what make humans unique. Emotional immaturity poses some challenges when raising kids as they will likely be stirred up often. Their emotional reactions can stir us up too. The goal in raising kids is not to join them in their emotional immaturity and to bear in mind that growth takes time and patience.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.

7 Picture Books That Can Help Kids Learn About Feelings

Learning ‘feeling’ language to communicate one’s emotions is a critical developmental milestone in the early years. The following picture books are some of my favourites when it comes to helping kids take a step back from their emotional world and learn words they can use to describe it. What I appreciate most about these books is they do not categorize feelings into ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but take a shame free approach to describing their character’s emotions which helps to normalize them. The first steps in emotional development is being able to express your feelings and be able to give names to your emotions – these books help set parents and kids on the right track.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by Judith Viorst, illustrated by Ray Cruz Atheneum, 2009

A humorous walk through a bad day with a relatable character named Alexander. Kids and parents will be able to sympathize with his plight and can use it to draw on in real life bad days.

Angry Dragon

by Thierry Robberecht, illustrated by Philippe Goossens Clarion Books, 2004

The frustration in this child is big, so huge in fact that it threatens to swallow his parents. The images are outstanding and help convey the alarm that kids feel when their frustration and attacking energy is present. The answer is tears which eventually come and help to quiet the angry dragon inside the little boy.

The Chocolate-Covered Cookie Tantrum

by Deborah Blumenthal, illustrated by Harvey Stevenson Sandpiper Books, 1999

One of my favourites and something every child and parent can relate to – hearing ‘no’ when you really want a ‘yes’ when asking for a cookie. The story takes you on a journey through a child’s tantrum until the child relinquishes their pursuit of the cookie that will not be. In the end it is the tears that save the day.

Finn Throws a Fit!

by David Elliott, illustrated by Timothy Basil Ering, 2011

I laughed out loud reading this book. Finn doesn’t want peaches for breakfast and proceeds to express foul frustration in response to his parent’s efforts to feed him. Finn takes us through the horror of a tantrum, rich with imagery that conveys the strength of his emotion. In the end it is his tears that help him face his peaches and decide that he really does want them after all.

In My Heart: A Book of Feelings

by Jo Witek, illustrated by Christine Roussey Harry N. Abrams, 2014

The layering of a child’s heart in this book is beautiful and takes us on a journey to the center. This is a well loved book in my house.

Happy

by Mies Van Hout Lemniscaat, 2011

Beautifully illustrated, each page portrays a fish experiencing a particular emotion. From happy to sad, this book can serve as a prompt for discussion on how kid’s may feel on any given day.

My Many Coloured Days

by Dr Suess, illustrated by Steve Johnson & Lou Fancher

The colour of each day conveys different feelings from grey days to yellow ones. Feelings are nuanced with the rich use of images and colour, conveying a range of emotions and a language to go along with it.

What Kids Worry and Fear at Different Ages

Kids have worries – from monsters to natural disasters. They can appear at random or may be triggered by everyday events. Their increasing awareness of the world, who is in it, and being able to anticipate bad things happening, can all increase their alarm.

Many of children’s fears can be existential, meaning they are indicative of a child’s growth and development as a separate being. Separation is the most impactful of all experiences and stirs up the emotional center of the brain and can create feelings of fear. As a child becomes increasingly independent, they are less dependent upon their caretakers which may foster some worry. As a child ages, this fear is often transformed into different themes but shares this common root issue.

Worries and fears that ebb and flow are part of the human condition, in fact, a lot of the brain’s energy is spent on evaluating incoming information for threats and sending out signals to the body. We don’t always know when we are afraid and have an emotional unconscious that operates outside of our conscious awareness. Joseph LeDoux, one of the world’s leading neuroscientists who studies anxiety, has shown that it is possible to be full of fear yet rendered speechless.

Common Fears and Worries

The following list contains some of the common fears and worries children may express at different ages. Many of these things are related to developmental changes and immaturity. Sometimes children may not able to articulate what their fears are and strategies for helping kids with higher levels of anxiety can be found in Helping the Anxious Teen or Child Find Rest and When the Worry Bugs are in Your Tummy.

0 to 6 months – Babies can show signs of fear at loud noises given they are unexpected and surprising. The loss of physical, visual, and auditory contact with their adults can also lead to alarm because the parts of the brain responsible for object permanence are not fully developed. When they lose contact with someone, they don’t know that this person will return as they lack an understanding that objects are permanent in time and space.

7 to 12 months – A child at this age can show signs of understanding that objects are permanent as well as causality. They realize that their adults can reappear and that they do have some influence on the actions of others, for example, when they cry someone will come to pick them up. At this age, it is common for them to display stranger protest which indicates their brain has developed enough to lock onto one person as a primary caretaker. This can result in playing shy with people they are not in contact with on a regular basis as well as showing preference for being in the company of their primary attachments. They are still often frightened by loud noises as well as objects that suddenly appear or loom over them.

1 year – Separation from parents is a common source of alarm and fear at this age and continues until 6 years of age. A young child is still highly dependent on adults for caretaking, therefore; they can be alarmed when distant from them. They can also be frightened if they get hurt, as well as loud sounds such as toilets flushing.

2 years – Young children at this age often exhibit some fear or animals as well as large objects. Their smaller size as well as lack of understanding about these things likely increases their alarm level. They may also state they are afraid of dark rooms with separation at night becoming increasingly challenging. Young children often feel most comfortable with structure and routine so changes in their environment can be potential source of concern for them.

3 to 4 years – With the increasing development of their brains, a young child’s imagination and capacity to anticipate bad things happening to them or others can increase. Their dreams may become more vivid with monsters appearing as well as other scary things. They can be afraid of animals, masks, the dark, and can seek comfort in the middle of the night when worried. There can be a heightened level of separation from parents because of their increasing independence, as evident in their exclamations of “I do it myself” and “No, I do!”

5 to 6 years – At this age a child may voice fears of being hurt physically as well as of ‘bad people’. Their play may reflect these themes as they start to imagine bad things happening that are not based in reality. They may voice concerns over ghosts and witches or other supernatural beings. Thunder and lightning may also stir them up too. Sleeping or staying on their own can still be provocative as they are just coming to the end of their development as a separate self.

7 to 8 years – Common fears include being left alone and can lead to wanting company, even if they are playing by themself. They may talk about death and worry about things that could harm them, for example, car accidents to plane crashes. They may still struggle with fears of the dark, as an extension of their growth as a separate being.

9 to 12 years – The ‘tween’ they may express worries related to school performance including a fear of tests and exams. They may have concerns with their physical appearance as well as being injured, and death. As they become more of a separate and social being, they can consider and compare who they are against others which can create some alarm. They may state their discomfort that they are growing up and don’t want to while other kids seem eager to leave childhood behind. It is important to note that the more peer oriented a child is, the more anxiety they may experience at this age as they turn to their peers for understanding who they are, When Peers Matter More than Parents.

Adolescence – For the teenager, personal relationships can be a source of confusion, worry, and fears. As they venture forth as a social being they still need to be anchored to caretakers at home to help them make sense of school issues including their friendships. They may voice fears over political issues given their increasing awareness of the world and movement towards adulthood. Some teens show signs of increasing superstition in an attempt to reduce some of the fears they have at this age too. Anticipating the future and what it holds for them can become a source of worry, along with natural disasters, and other themes related to growing up.

Strategies for Dealing with Worries

For the young child their fear is often alleviated through connection with caring adults who provide safety and reassurance. As a child ages, their increasing maturity will mean they will need to find both courage and tears to face their fears. This growth can be cultivated with the help of adults they trust and can count on.

Connection – When kids are worried, the best sources of support will come from their closest attachments. Listening to a child’s worries, acknowledging how they are feeling and coming alongside them can help to lessen their fears. Coming alongside means to listen with full attention and to reflect what you have heard instead of problem solving or negating what they have said. If a child’s level of fears and worries are more persistent and chronic, then taking steps to tackle anxiety may be appropriate.

Play with fear – One of the ways a child’s alarm system develops is by interacting with the world around them. While they may be startled, or show signs of fear, being able to play at this experience can help to diffuse its intensity. As a child plays their brain can integrate the signals as fear is less likely to hijack their emotional systems. Traditional games that can help include hide and seek, peek a boo, board games, to stories that include risk and fear.

Courage and Bravery – Children under the age of 5 to 7 are unable to exhibit courage because of the lack of integration in their prefrontal cortex. They are only able to feel one intense emotion at a time, so their fear can overwhelm them and when pushed, they can become frustrated, resistant, or attack. When a child is 6 or younger, it may be better to use a relationship with someone they trust to walk them into things that might be new or scary. It is important not to let their fears take the lead in terms of deciding what they should or should not do. For kids who are older, helping them to express what bothers them is helpful. When they can find their words for what scares them, they are better able to articulate their desires that will help them be courageous in the face of what alarms them.

Tears – Fears can also be alleviated by helping a child express their sadness about the things that worry them. For example, they may talk about a friend who doesn’t always play with them to not wanting to grow up. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to cry or feel one’s disappointment in the face of one’s fears. This will result in a release of the fear as well as some resiliency in the face of one’s worries.

The brain is a sophisticated alarm system that is meant to be activated when separation is anticipated or real. As a child ages, the shape and form of their fears and worries can change in reflection of their increasing development. The role of adults in their life is to cultivate deep connections with them, listen and acknowledge that they are afraid, help them be cautious, find their tears, or be moved to courage as the ultimate answer to their alarm.

Why Tears are the Secret to Fostering Resiliency in Kids

There is much talk of how parents need to avoid overprotecting their kids and allowing them to experience failure as a part of routine life. The idea that adversity teaches resiliency is an important one but only tells part of the story. Why is it that some kids thrive despite the hardship they face while others struggle to survive under the same conditions or better? How do we account for people who face adversity but do not rebound or recover? While hardship is the catalyst for change, it is not the driver of it. Our emotional system is what holds the secrets to human transformation and is where we need to look deeper as we search for answers.

Adversity only teaches when what doesn’t work sinks in. It is our capacity to feel sad in the face of all that cannot change that allows us to become transformed by the experience. It is the acceptance of what is futile that leads us to surrender and changes us in the process. In our quest to cultivate happy, resourceful kids, we cannot eclipse the essential role of sadness and tears in this process.

The Science of Tears

All tears are not created equal. Some are benign like those cried to cut onions. Some have an angry raw edge to them that leave little doubt that someone is full of frustration. Then there are the tears that are soft and sad, where the hurt has happened and the emotional system is pushing towards release and repair. It is these sad tears that make us distinct from other mammal species. It is these tears that hold the secret to adaptation.

For adaptation to occur we need to cease from pursuing things that are futile. For kids there are many futilities in life, from siblings that don’t go away, losing, not being able to turn back time, limits and restrictions, good things coming to an end, and not being able to someone change someone’s mind. When the futility of these pursuits sink in, the brain is rewired accordingly. Neurons that fire together wire together – futility clips the pathways that do not lead to success.

When a child accepts that something is really futile, it can bring feelings of sadness and disappointment or the release of tears. These feelings or tears don’t harm a child but are a sign that healing is underway and are the best indicators of emotional health. It is these children who will be best able to realize their potential as adaptive beings.

Children who cannot experience sadness are often full of aggression and foul frustration. Anxiety and attention problems often occur with stuck tears along with opposition, defiance, and even bullying. It is our tears that make us fully human and humane. Children who lose the capacity to cry tears don’t need lessons but adults who can restore their emotional systems and make them vulnerable again. Failure is only a gift when you have your tears.

What is the role of parents?

The biggest losses in life are matters for the heart and not the head. It is feeling the sadness around what doesn’t work that leads to resiliency, recovery and resourcefulness. The challenge is that these feelings can be overwhelming and children need support if they are going to express them.

In a National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, Michael Resnick and his colleagues found that the single most significant protective factor against emotional distress in a sample of over 90,000 adolescents in the United States was a strong caring relationship with an adult. Resiliency isn’t something we have to teach our children, it is a byproduct of healthy adult relationships. What matters is who a child turns to when upset, who they share their secrets with, and who they shed their tears with.

We need to have our children’s hearts if we are help them to their tears. We need to invite them to express what doesn’t work without trying to fix it. We need to make space for their disappointment instead of problem solving and strategizing solutions. We need to help them name what isn’t working, and to rest from futile pursuits. We need to help them sit in the vulnerability of surrender and communicate that we are confident there is a way through.

Five reasons for why we have a hard time letting our kids cry or feel sad

There are many reasons why tears are unwelcome in children and as a result, can be suppressed or ignored by parents, thwarting their potential as adaptive beings.

The more a parent believes happiness in a child is a sign that they are parenting well, the less they will be inclined to make room for sadness. The underlying belief that sadness is a problem instead of a normal emotion will serve to inhibit expression.
Some parents may feel their children’s tears are too distressing or too frustrating to listen too. We all come to parenting with a different relationship to our own tears and children will act as a lightning bolt in revealing where we are at. As parents we need to make room for the emotions our children stir up in us.
In our quest to raise independent children, there can be a belief that tears are a sign of weakness. Hardiness stems from being able to experience vulnerable emotions and allows a child to bounce back when facing hardship or adversity.
There was a time when tears in men were a sign of virtue and character but this is no longer the case in most cultures. Notions of masculinity and gender stereotypes have made it less acceptable for boys to show these feelings. As a result, boys are not as likely to experience encouragement nor be invited to express these emotions.
Sometimes there is an overreliance on logic and positive thinking which can get in the way of promoting sadness and disappointment. In dealing with adversity, problem solving and fixing things becomes the modus operandi instead of making room for all the emotions that go along with the experience too.

Emotions need to be expressed, feelings need names, and kids need people to share their stories with. When we communicate there is something wrong with tears or emotions, we can prevent children from having a relationship with their emotional world.

We need to affirm for our kids that getting hurt is part of life but the answer lies in facing one’s fears, finding one’s tears, and holding onto someone who is holding on to you. We can’t spare our children from all that comes with the world they live in—this is impossible. It is our job to make sure we don’t send them into it empty-handed.

When we help our kids realize that they can survive what doesn’t work, it can open the door to new possibilities that might. Adversity doesn’t teach on its own, it is the emotional transformation that we undergo that does. We need to be the tear collectors our children require.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Softening the Hardened Heart

Hearts can grow cold and become hardened, something poets, artists, and musicians have always claimed. From children to adults, emotional numbing is part of the human condition and reveals the inherent vulnerability in a system that was built to feel deeply. As Hank Williams lamented, “Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?” The loss to human functioning is tragic as it is our caring that makes us fully human and most humane.

Today we have neuroscience mapping out how emotional inhibition occurs within the limbic system. At last Freud’s theory of how we can be driven by unconscious emotions has gained its neuroscientific footing. Every brain comes equipped with the capacity to tune out what distresses, repress bad memories, dull the pain, suppress alarming feelings, and be divested of caring and responsibility (1). The anthem of the emotional defended is, “I don’t care,” “doesn’t matter,” “that doesn’t bother me,” or “whatever” and resounds loudly among our kids (and many adults) today.

Being defended against vulnerable feelings is an equal opportunity problem not confined by geography, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, or education level. It is a quintessential human issue given our unique capacity to reflect on our emotions and assign feeling names, unlike other mammal species. The three or four year old who suddenly bursts out with their words instead of their hits, “I frustrated! I need HELP!” reveals the developmental sophistication in this system. We were meant to develop a language of the heart, one that takes us towards civilized relating around emotional content.

When Caring Goes Missing

Caring feelings are a luxury in a world that feels like it is coming undone. There are sometimes too many acts of uncaring for a human heart to bear in today’s ‘connected world’ when self centered actions dominate, combined with an absence of shame or fear, and no tears in the face of all that should make us weep. As T.S. Eliot pens in his poem, “The Hollow Men,” vulnerable feelings often go missing not with a bang but with a whimper. We were meant to care deeply – and not just about ourselves but about others too. The hunger for connection is what should hold us together but there are times we seem so intent on tearing these relationships apart. The vulnerable feelings that make us most vital and human go missing for the sake of survival.

When the emotional system flatlines, not only does fear disappear but joy, delight, and enjoyment too. Some of my counselling clients would tell me, “I don’t need anybody, I don’t really care I am on my own” with little emotion. It created problems attaching to others and preventing the love that was there for them in getting through the wall of defenses their brain had erected. They could not feel, despite being aware on some level that they really should be. As one teen said to me, I know I should be happy but I just don’t feel anything right now. When the emotional system operates in a defensive mode, the caring feelings go missing along with their tempering effect on frustration, upset, alarm, and impatience.

How to Revive Hardened Hearts

What is critical to remember is when a heart becomes hardened, the brain has its own reasons for pressing down upon vulnerable feelings. To feel sets the person up to get hurt and the brain is geared towards survival at all costs. To bring emotional defenses down, the heart must be softened. The question is how can this be done? The heart won’t be resuscitated through logic, cognitive manipulation, or behavioural interventions. When our kids lose their caring (or adults), it is the warmth and caring of others that offers the best chance of melting emotional defenses.

According to Gordon Neufeld, a heart can only be softened with the cultivation of safe and caring attachments with others. It is relationship that offers someone the promise of safety, warmth and dependence. It is attachment that is the ancidote to facing too much separation and leads to wounding. The human heart will spontaneously recover and experience vulnerable feelings again when emotional defenses are no longer needed. It cannot get there with a pill, prodding, pushing, cajoling, rewarding, or punishing but only through the warmth of another human being.

What every person needs most of all is a guardian for their heart. As one ten year old said to her mother, “I don’t what it is about you Mama, but when I talk to you I feel such comfort.” One of my clients said her sixteen-year old son said, “Mom, you always seem to know what to say to help me when I am really scared.” This is the job of parenting – to hold on to our kid’s hearts and shield them. As adults, the hope would be that we can rest in the care of another.

Three Keys to Melting Emotional Defenses

Lead into Vulnerable Territory – If we are going to soften emotional defenses and increase vulnerability we will need to lead someone there but this can’t be done without cultivating a strong relationship first. When I trained new counselors they would often ask me for the ‘techniques’ to elicit emotional responses in clients. I would lecture them on how they were asking me the wrong question. The most important part of their role was not a diagnosis or a technique but about showing up as a human being. Psychology does not own suffering, humans do. We cannot expect someone to share their heart with us if we have not earned a place in their life first.

When we have built a strong relationship with someone we can lead then lead them towards vulnerable territory, ever so gently. With a young child it might be reading picture books about characters with big feelings, taking an older child to see a movie such as “Inside Out,” or having chats with teens about the songs they are listening to or the ‘heros’ they admire. It is our job to use our relationship to come to their side and invite them to share their world with us. When appropriate we can reflect back what we have heard in increasingly vulnerable ways such as, “sadness saves the day – who ever thought that would happen!” It is the slow, but consistent message that all of a child’s feelings are welcome and that the relationship can handle what needs to be said, that will slowly bring the defenses down.

To lead someone to their vulnerable feelings we will need to be caring ourselves and model an openness to vulnerability. This doesn’t mean we tell our children our feelings about them but rather reflect on vulnerability as a strength and as being valued. We can then increasingly touch emotional bruises in their life in a gentle way as needed.

Shield with a safe attachment – When a child has a caring attachment that they can take for granted, their heart will be shielded by that relationship. What we forget with our kids is just because we are their guardian, it doesn’t mean they have given us their heart for safe keeping. If a child is truly at home with someone, the hurts in their life can be experienced and made sense of with this person. We cannot protect our children from being hurt all the time, but we can make sure they are not sent out into the world to deal with it on their own. It is our love and caretaking that buffers them against rejection, betrayal, and heartache.

The beautiful design in attachment is that our hearts can shield another’s from injury – it is the ultimate cure and protection. As my children lament about their school day and harsh words from friends, I collect their tears and remind them that they are never too far from home. As I listen to their emotional injuries, my balm is to tell them not to take it into their heart, and to look at me, the one who knows them best. When we feel overwhelmed and lost it is about who we look to that will help ground us, to center us, and to bring us back to ourselves. It is caring that is meant to tie us together and make us caretakers for each other’s hearts.

Protect from emotional wounding and facing separation –If the brain has erected emotional defenses then we can try to reduce the need for them by creating shame-free zones. Typically these would be protected spaces against peer and sibling interactions that are wounding. It would mean minimizing involvement in places where there was a lack of invitation for connection, e.g. a family member that is unkind to a child, or a classroom full of kids who bully.

If the child’s world is too much for them emotionally then we will need to consider how we change their world to reduce the need for defenses. While this may lead to some hard choices, until the heart is back online, there will be problems with behaviour and development can be at a standstill. When the heart is flatlining, resuscitating it become the first order of business.

In reducing wounding we would want to scan the child’s world to see where they face too much separation. This can include forms of discipline that are separation based including time-outs and the overuse of consequences. Moving to more attachment based and developmentally friendly forms of discipline can help to reduce wounding. When problems occur, finding a way to hold on to the relationship in the middle of the storm is the best way through, for example, “this isn’t working, we will talk about this later,” or “I can’t let you do this, I see you are frustrated, I will help you figure it out.” When there are emotional defenses that are stuck, it will be common to have behaviour problems to have to work around until more vulnerable feelings come back on line. It will involve protecting others, including the dignity of the parent and child involved.

What is clear is we cannot ‘will’ emotional defenses to rise or fall, this is not for us to say. However, it is within our capacity to move into relationship with someone, to take up a relationship with their feelings, and to convey that despite everything, it is our relationship that is most secure in their life. If hurting too much is the problem, then surely love is the answer. It is a solution as old as time but one that needs to keep being retold in a world that continues to come undone.

Reference

(1) Gordon Neufeld, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids, 2013, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC. www.neufeldinstitute.org

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents and professionals based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Why Kids Whine

Research on whining confirms that it really is the most annoying sound to the human ear – more so than the sound of a screeching table saw or a Vuvuzela football/soccer horn resembling the sound of an elephant. (1) You can witness this first hand as you listen to frustrated parents proclaim to their children, “I can’t understand you when you whine,” or “I don’t speak whine.”

There is a purpose to whining and nature was not ill intended. Whining vocalizations are also found in other mammal species and are part of the instinctive and emotional etchings in the emotional system geared towards eliciting attention from others. In other words, if your child’s whining hijacks your attention system and stirs you up then this sounds about right. Whining is meant to get your attention but the question is why and what do our kids need from us?

The Emotional Driver Behind Whining

When a child is whining their emotional system is stirred up with frustration. Frustration is the emotion of change and it usually indicates a child wants something to change or something to stop – ironically, the same as the parent of that whining, frustrated child! Before tackling ‘what to do’ with a child’s whining we will need to make sense of the frustration that drives it.

Why do kids get frustrated? Because they want something we have said no to – like another cookie, staying up past bedtime, or wanting to play when we are busy making dinner. For the older child the whining may be about getting more screen time or to change our mind. A child can be frustrated because they are feeling sick and don’t have words for it or they had a hard day at school and are overwhelmed by it. The point is – there are too many sources of potential frustration to name and we don’t always have words for these experiences or conscious awareness. We don’t always know what our children’s emotional system is experiencing but we are meant to be cued to caring for it when it needs us most of all. What is clear is when our children are stirred up and frustrated, their whining is a call for parental action.

The problem with statements such as, “I don’t speak whine or can’t understand you,” is that it conveys to a child that you don’t know how to help them or you don’t care to unless they behave in a certain way. Frustration is a hard emotion to control at the best of times. It takes sophistication and strong development in the prefrontal areas of the brain, as well as caring feelings to temper one’s reaction in the face of it. Acting in a mature way when we are frustrated is a challenge for anyone – ask any frustrated parent of a whining child. It is natural for kids to struggle with a civilized response but it isn’t a problem when a 7 year old whines but certainly is when a 21 year old still does.

Coming Alongside and Transforming Frustration

There are two possible outcomes to frustration – we change something for a child or we help them accept what they cannot change. This last path often involves tears but if a child cannot feel their sadness about what cannot change then the whining will likely continue along with other frustrated actions. When we respond to a child who is whining, one of the things we want to avoid is adding to their frustration by letting our own frustration take the lead.

Whining is the emotion of frustration and in order to help draw it out, make room for it, get to the bottom of it, release and quell it, we will need to come alongside it. As Gordon Neufeld states, in coming alongside a child we purposively move ourselves into relationship with their emotions and try to put some words to them. The key issue with whining is we want to focus on the frustration and not the behaviour (which we often don’t want to condone), so as to normalize their feelings.

We can come alongside a child’s desire to see things change and help them effect change wherever we can. For example, we might say, “I can see you are tired and hungry, I am going to help you with that.” Sometimes we will need to come alongside the things that won’t change and normalize their feelings of frustration about this, for example, “I know you want to have more screen time and you are frustrated with my ‘no.’ You will have more screen time tomorrow, it is not going to happen right now and it’s okay to be disappointed about this.” When we are clear about what cannot change we invite a child’s emotional system to surrender their frustration to sadness. This typically isn’t a smooth transition by any stretch of the imagination and may take some time. As a child routinely faces things that are futile and realize they can survive all the no’s in their life, whining should abate around these issues.

When a child is up against the things they cannot change, it is only sadness that will release the emotional system from the whirring energy of whining. When tears fall, especially when they are invited by adults and acknowledged by them – the energy in the child will shift and the emotion of frustration is brought to rest. In other words, the transformation of frustration into sadness moves a child to accept what they cannot change and how they become increasingly resilient and resourceful.

It is ironic that in writing this article I experienced two different whining episodes from my own kids. Despite being able to make sense of it through developmental science, I have to confess it still feels like someone is taking a cheese grater to my limbic/emotional system. While knowledge helps buffer my annoyance, it doesn’t quell my stirred up emotional system and that is the whole point. What whining does is it motivates me to get to the bottom of my kid’s frustration and either change what isn’t working for them or help them find their tears about what cannot change. This is not a mistake in human emotional design but is part of the beautiful dance that is meant to tie parent and child together.

Interestingly, as one of my kids started whining, the other one turned to me and pleaded, “Just make her stop will you! That sound, I can’t handle it – she is so annoying!” This leads me to conclude that whining is annoying to everyone except the person doing it. If nature was so intent in ensuring whining grabs our attention, then perhaps we really need to find a way to listen and deal with all that is underneath it.

Reference

(1) Rosemarie Sokol Chang and Nicholas S. Thompson, “Whines, cries, and motherese: Their relative power to distract,” Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology 5 (2011): 131–41.

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents and professionals based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency

There seems to be a lack of cultural wisdom as to the significance of tears in bringing a child to rest from the things they want but cannot have. While internet searches on tantrums top parenting concerns, the tears that are meant to quell futile pursuits or frustration seem invisible in importance. Yet it is tears that offer relief from the disappointments that are part of life, the upsets that will come, and the hurt that is felt. It is sad tears that signals a child has surrendered to the limits we impose on them such as no more cookies or ice cream, or our inability to fix or find something they want. Life is full of disappointment such as not being first, not winning, not getting what we want, and not being able to hold onto the people you want to stay close to. Tears are the ultimate answer and resolution to the frustration that comes in the face of life’s futilities. As Althea Solter states, “When children cry the hurt has already happened. Crying is not the hurt but the process of being unhurt.”

All tears are not created equal – there is a difference between mad tears and sad ones. It is sad tears that underlie adaptation and resiliency. Sad tears are the ones cried in response to realizing something cannot be changed. It is where frustration melts into surrender, where whining or attacking energy subsides and there is rest from futile pursuits. It is here resiliency is born in realizing you can survive not getting what you want. Mad tears on the other hand, are fuelled by foul frustration and common in young kids with each one having their own signature move(s) including: kicks, hits, screams, pinches, bites, with sensitive ones prone to attacking oneself. When we focus on a child’s attacks we miss the frustration that is driving it, and with that, an opportunity to melt their frustration into tears of sadness.

By the time a child is 4, physical forms of attack may start to be replaced with words instead – a good sign indeed! It means they have developed the capacity to use words to express their emotions instead of physical means. It’s important to remember they won’t have self-control when they are emotionally charged until the ages of 5 to 7 with ideal development – and more like 7 to 9 for more sensitive kids. When a child is full of foul frustration, it is only their sad tears that will bring rest and emotional balance to their system again.

The Science of Tears

William Frey, a well-known researcher who has studied the chemical composition of tears states sad tears are not benign like the ones we cry when cutting onions. Our sad tears are full of toxic proteins that are being shed by the body for the purpose of bringing the emotional system back into balance (1). Ad Vingerhoet’s book, Why Only Humans Weep, pulls together the science of crying and the complex interactions in the body (2). The nervous system is responsible for allowing tears to flow and the experience of rest with special neurotransmitters governing this interaction. When the futility of something registers in the amygdala in the limbic system, it shifts gears in the nervous system and the parasympathetic system is activated. Tears may fall or disappointment and sadness will be experienced. These states are also accompanied by a release of oxytocin, the attachment chemical that dampens the biological stress chemical of cortisol. When children cry and receive comfort from attachment figures, it is their engagement that increases oxytocin levels and decrease stress related ones. Tears are not a problem but a child’s signal to us that they are having one so they get the support they need.

If a child has lost their capacity to express sadness or does not show upset, disappointment, or talk of being lonely or scared, we should be concerned. The expression of tears or sadness is key to taking stock of a child’s vulnerable emotions and whether they experience them. If you don’t feel sad, then caring may also be inhibited too. This isn’t a mistake in the child but a response to an environment that is too wounding, thus emotional defenses have been erected by the brain (4). A child who has stuck tears will be frustrated – a lot – with attacking behaviour often present. In such cases, when an adult focuses on the attacking behaviour with punishment, it will further exacerbate the frustration and attacking emotional energy. What is needed is to come back to the emotion that is driving the attacking behaviour – to the roots of frustration that is fuelling it.

Adults as the Ultimate Comforters

Our role in helping our children’s tears flow is to accept that they need to come out. Our focus on reason and rationale is lost on them, it is about their hurt feelings and disappointments. It is about the generous invitation they need from us to welcome their tears and all that it means for them. While we might not see a broken toy, losing a game, not getting another cookie as a big deal – it is for them – especially the first time around. What they need from us is room for their tears to fall and their disappointment to be felt in a non-shaming or non-punitive environment. They don’t need our discomfort with their upset to stop what must come out of them. They need adults who can hold onto them through the emotional storms so that mad can turn into sad as they accept the limits and restrictions they are up against. It is in how we offer a hug or soft words, a warm presence, an invitation to be close and room to cry, and patience to wait it out. It is in these tears where transformation and adaptation occur – where they realize they can survive what didn’t work, can’t work, won’t work, or shouldn’t work – and that they are okay despite this. It might be cookies and ice cream today but it paves the way for the big disappointments that will come – a poor grade, a job they don’t get, to loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

Young children weren’t meant to take care of their feelings, they are just starting to learn names for them. We need to stop outsourcing our responsibility for a child’s upset onto their shoulders with statements such as, “control your temper,” “calm down,” “why can’t you figure this out,” “I have told you a hundred times,” “stop being like that,” “cut-it-out,” “you need to think more positively,” or the classic line, “why are you crying – I’ll give you something to cry about.” We need to step in to take care of their frustration and tears, they are the clearest signals to us they need help. Helping a child understand what is behind their tears is the goal but they will not lower their emotional defenses for just anyone.

What we do in the face of our children’s tears, both mad and sad ones, will communicate to them what type of caretaker we are and whether we can be trusted to take care of their heart. Can they trust us with their hurt feelings? Can they trust us to guide them through their foul frustration to their tears? If we can’t hold onto them through these storms then they will not hold onto us. We cannot guide a child towards maturity if they don’t follow us.

What I find truly ironic is that when we make room for our children’s tears we will find that it transforms us too. When we have to stretch emotionally to make room for the emotions our children stir up in us, it grows us up. Our love for them can make us more emotionally mature by forcing us to temper our strong reactions. If you have ever had to hold onto your frustration in the face of your child’s, you will know exactly what I mean. My hope would be that when we are faced with our children’s tears we would be close enough to our own so that we would instinctively know what they needed most from us.

(1) Aletha Solter, “Understanding tears and tantrums,” Young Children 47, no. 4 (1992): 64–68.

(2) William H. Frey and Muriel Langseth, Crying: The Mystery of Tears (Minneapolis, MN: Winston Press, 1985).

(3) Ad Vingerhoets, Why Only Humans Weep: Unravelling the Mysteries of Tears (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2013).

(4) Gordon Neufeld, Making Sense of Kids Course, (Vancouver: Neufeld Institute, 2013).

Deborah is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.