Freedom of Expression: Guiding kids’ emotions into maturity

It is not unusual to see a child stomp in frustration, yell when they’re upset, and drag their heels when they feel hurried. Even after a good or uneventful day at daycare or school, meltdowns may appear later at home in the form of resistance over chores or homework. Parents may feel bewildered by the extreme emotional reactions they witness in their kids—after all, haven’t they been told a hundred times to use their words and communicate clearly to get what they want?

Emotions are invisible and mysterious, while actions are anything but and often distract us from the real problem. What we need to remember about emotions is that they, themselves, are not problems, but they are trying to solve them. Their cries of alarm or frustration are meant to get our attention so we can help fix or change what is not working, or help them adapt. The challenge is that sometimes the way a child expresses their emotions can create problems for the people around them. If you want to know what emotion a child is experiencing, then you only need to consider their behaviour and how they are moving in the world. A child who feels secure may venture out to play, getting lost in discovery and exploration; but a scared child will run for safety to a parent and a frustrated one may angrily lash out when feeling thwarted.

When a child’s behaviour is difficult, we can become preoccupied with reinforcing rules and expectations while losing sight of how emotions, a brilliant system of communication, are driving a child from within. How we respond to a child when their behaviour is emotionally fuelled is key to helping them become more mature— but many “disciplinary” practices can make matters worse and fan the flames of upset, leaving us not only no further ahead, but actually working against us.

THE NECESSITY OF Expression

Emotional health cannot be achieved if emotions cannot be expressed. The force they exert compels them to come out of us in some way. Young children are just learning about their emotions and are naturally often at a loss for words or any insight into what they are feeling. With maturity we should acquire a vocabulary to match our feelings and use it to communicate them in (hopefully) more respectful ways. But this is the end goal and never the place we start from. This is where parents and caretakers must come in and help teach not just words, but a language of the heart.

Simply shouting, “Cut it out!” and “Calm down!” can do more harm than good. Just like a pressure cooker, when emotions are bottled up, they often lead to uncontrolled explosions. The idea that we must, from day one, suppress our emotions fails to recognize that they need to move through us so they can communicate that something is working or not working, especially when we’re too young to articulate it. Our emotional world is a source of intelligence when it come to our needs, and it will do anything in its power to meet those needs.

What many people don’t realize is that young kids can’t regulate their emotions due to immature brains. It takes five to seven years of healthy brain development to create the neural pathways required to integrate strong emotions and provide impulse control. Until that time, adults, and not preschooler brains, are the only tempering agent children have to help regulate their emotions and behaviour. The crux of this job is to prevent them from hurting themselves or others with impulsive reactions, and not to prohibit them from having feelings or expressing them. Methods like separation punishment, withholding affection, or yelling are solutions that solve nothing in the long term and only serve to cultivate a deeper uncertainty about your relationship.

THE DANGERS OF Suppression

We need to make it safe for our kids to express their emotions and convey that we are there to help them through their big feelings. The goal is not to try and make our children feelanything differently, it is rather to support and model the movement of those emotions so they can learn to understand and exert influence over their expression.

One key to supporting a child is to make sure our reactions to their emotions don’t create more distress for them (and therefore, in turn, us) nor communicate a diminished desire to care for them. If their behaviour leads to a more insecure relationship with an adult, then their brain may “press down” on their emotions in order to preserve their connection. This is a costly move—one that inhibits emotional development and prevents the adult from being able to help forward maturity in the child by creating an atmosphere of insecurity.

The prevalent forms of discipline used with children either take away what a child cares about or remove them from the people they want to be close to. These tactics communicate that there is no expression without undesirable repercussion: What you say or do may be held against you where it hurts the most. If you have to be “good”, even when you’re feeling bad, and expressing your feelings leads to separation, then emotional expression will indeed decrease, but in its place will easily grow more anxiety and aggression.

THE PATH TO MATURE Expression

The good news is there are many natural ways we can make room for our children’s emotions, nurture their brains to manage emotions well, and preserve their well-being. It is also possible to set limits with children while still conveying we are there to help with their upset. The objective is not to stop expression but to give it some room to move, and, importantly, to avoid any damage to the relationship so that development continues to move in a healthy direction guided by a capable and trusted parent.

Play it out

One of the natural ways children express emotion is during play where there are no real outcomes or consequences. As developmentalist Lawrence Cohen states, “Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day. Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” If we want to help children release their emotions, then we need to create the conditions for play.

True play is when a child is free to engage with their surroundings and nothing is taken at face value. Their frustration is expressed through creating, building, destroying, or transforming objects around them. Emotions such as alarm can be discharged through play that incorporates some fear like pretend monsters, being chased or rescued, having to hide to avoid capture, or surviving on your own. The child is able to express themselves without repercussion in the safety of play, often emerging from it softer and more emotionally vulnerable.

The role of adults is to provide and protect the places where children can play and invite them to experience music, stories, art, dance, or motion, all of which help their emotional systems discharge and recalibrate. The research on the correlation between loss of play and emotional problems in kids is substantial. The message is clear: Caregivers need to be play advocates when it comes to children’s emotional health and well-being.

Heart to heart

To come to a child’s side means to take a supportive role and not an adversarial one when dealing with their behaviour and emotion. While we don’t have to agree with them about their behaviour or even the “reasons” for it, we can connect with them at the heart level and try to empathize with them there. Acknowledging the emotion that is underneath their behaviour will increase their sense of connectedness to us. When we say, “You seem like you had a long day at school and are tired and frustrated” or “Help me understand what is stirring you up” we are inviting them to put into words the emotions that are driving them—which is both exactly what they need to hear and exactly what we want to teach. When we put the focus on the emotion instead of the behaviour and encourage them to express themselves, we learn to work together to find a way through the challenges.

It is also important that we don’t focus on our own emotions about their behaviour. We don’t need to communicate to our children how we feel, which could further overwhelm them and give them more emotion, not less, to deal with. It is also not our children’s job to care for our feelings. In revealing our struggles with a child, we may inadvertently convey that we don’t know what to do with them, thus alarming and frustrating them further.

As we come alongside and help them find and use words for their experiences, we will teach them a language of the heart. With words to communicate their emotional world and brain development that allows impulse control, both of which happen in supportive and safe environment, a child will naturally become more emotionally mature. I still remember the day my daughter proudly told me that her hand wanted to hit something because she was frustrated but it didn’t and that this was a good thing.

Daily debrief

There are a number of daily rituals that help us check in and debrief with our kids on their experiences and emotions. There is something unique about bedtime and having a parent’s undivided attention that makes a child want to talk. It is often here they may tell you about hard parts of their day or other stories about how they are feeling. As we listen and reflect on their emotions, we will be helping them to make sense of things and forward their emotional development.

Morning rituals can also help a child settle into their day, including reading books at cuddle time. Slowing down and making room for connection and orienting to the plan for the day without rushing can go a long way toward preventing emotional upset and upheaval. Shared mealtimes are an excellent time to check in with each other. Sometimes the after-school pick-up or ride home from daycare is a good time to connect and listen too.

There is nothing like the force of an immature child to test the emotional maturity of adults. The challenge is to not let our own emotions get the better of us and take it out on them. Emotional maturity takes time and patience and is as sophisticated as cognitive development. Kids need loving support, emotional guides, and caregivers who show they believe that maturity is around the corner by allowing their emotions to play out safely through their natural course. •

This article first appeared in the Spring 2021 edition of EcoParent Magazine

Copyright — Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca

Taking the Lead in Sibling Conflict

My younger sister used to poke me when I wouldn’t play with her. My first strategy was to tell her to leave me alone and when that didn’t work, I would ignore her, which also didn’t dissuade her. At some point I would become so frustrated that I would swat at her like a fly to make her go away. She would scream and cry and I would get in trouble, commensurate with the level of her distress and tears. As a child it seemed to me that the person who was bleeding, crying the loudest, or most upset—usually my sister— was uncritically deemed the victim with the perpetrator assumed by default. A swift verdict would follow.

There are few more provocative things for a parent than watching the children you love get hurt or hurt each other. Our instincts and emotions are there to protect and defend our kids and can kick into high gear when we witness acts of aggression, meanness, and immature behavior as our children attack each other. But our own impatience and annoyance can add more fuel to the fire of frustration that is already burning, and it can be costly to our relationships with them.

There is no greater test to a parent’s maturity than dealing with the immature ways of relating that our kids present. How do we bear witness to acts of aggression while keeping our cool and remaining in the role of the adult? And how do we lead through these difficult situations while protecting our relationship?

Them’s fighting words!

In the heat of the moment, your kids will tell you just about anything to get the heat off of them. We don’t need to follow our kids when it comes to discovering the reasons why they’re fighting but we will need to make sense of what is truly driving the problems between them. When you understand the roots of “misbehaviour,” it can be tackled it in meaningful ways that lead to change.

When kids fight, they are ultimately fueled by frustration, the emotion of change that wants something to stop or to be different. Children under the age of six don’t have sufficient brain development in the prefrontal cortex to temper strong emotions. Frustration can spill out of them unchecked by any braking mechanism in both verbal and physical forms of attack. Children under the age of three often unleash physically whereas older children have learned to use their words to attack. “I hate you and you are not coming to my birthday party” is a popular threat with the school-age set.

There are many factors that contribute to kids fighting with each other. Based on developmental science and my experience in private practice working with families, these are some of the most common.

You can’t always get what you want It is a sign of good development when a child has their own mind and can voice their needs, preferences, and desires. The challenge arises when they are engaging with other kids who don’t share those desires. Disagreements over how to play with something, what character they are, or the rules of the game can lead to frustration spewing forth. What we often miss is that each child is meant to develop their own will and it’s only because of their immaturity that they struggle to accept a difference of opinion with others, leaving them at an impasse and frustrated because they cannot solve it.

The futility that children will struggle with—that we are all challenged by—is that we can’t always get what we want. Not everyone wants to do it our way, nor shares our ideas and dreams, and one of the hardest lessons to learn is how to accept the things we cannot change. Kids are in the process of learning about the futilities of life and may need help coming to terms with something that is not going to go their way, even when there is a level playing field. For example, in a game they perceive to be losing, they may fight over the rules and try to force their agenda on their sibling. This is where it is important for adults to step in and reinforce the ground rules for interaction and game-playing.

When my eldest was five she loved playing cards but every time she started to lose she would tell her sister, “Well losers are the winners and winners are the losers.” As I kept a watchful ear on their playing I would often intervene and state something to the effect of, “No, that is not how the game is played. I understand you are frustrated with your cards but keep trying. There are some games you win and some you don’t.” There were many times she would just throw her cards into the air in frustration and I would declare her sister the winner. With time, patience, and support for her tears in the face of frustration, she learned to accept the futility of trying to change the rules to suit her. What helped me remain patient throughout these episodes is knowing that her immature way of relating was not personal but developmental, and that these were the teachable moments that helped me prepare her for a world where there is no shortage of disappointments.

It is also helpful to think ahead of problems and to set up interactions between kids with some guidance. You might say, “When you play together you are both going to have ideas and things you want. If you can’t figure it out then come and get me, or work together to compromise if you can.” Depending on the age of the child, different strategies may be used. Preschoolers will definitely need more direct help, but older children can become more skilled at navigating these differences, particularly if they care about playing together.

Territoriality and possessiveness We are thoroughly invested in having our children share and get along with each other, and have very little patience for disagreements. I often wonder if we have the same expectations of ourselves? After all, are we all that enthusiastic about handing over our cherished possessions for others to use? Don’t we also feel that instinctive reluctance to surrender things that we love?

We need to step back and consider whether we really don’t want our children to voice disagreement with others when their territory is under threat. What we should want is for them to know when to stand their ground to protect something of meaning as well as to know when to share. The challenge is that the instincts and emotions to protect one’s place are not bad, but they eventually need to be balanced by caring about others so that we can become socially responsible and emotionally generous, and that is where parents come in.

Part of maturity is being able to relate to others in a conscientious way and to share and work together towards a common goal. What children reveal is the chasm between primal territorial relating and this communal thinking. It is the role of adults in a child’s life to help close this gap by simply creating the conditions for good development that then naturally reach this end. This means providing enough attachment to satisfy their hunger for relationship and helping them begin to accept the futilities—like “You can’t have it! That’s mine!”—that are part of life.

When children are full of caring and can also consider the needs of others as well as theirs, they will have the necessary ingredients to share and get along better and temper their territorial instincts. But these developments occur at the earliest between 5 and 7 years with healthy brain integration. Until then, it is our job to simply and regularly communicate the value of sharing, the importance of having your own mind, and the reminder that you can’t always get what you want. Supervise young kids to prevent territorial disasters from unfolding and reaffirm that turn-taking is part of life, and that you are there to help them.

Attachment-seeking behavior Kids seek connection and when they are bored or hungry for attachment, they may seek each other out, especially if adults are not available. Just as with adults, the challenge is that sometimes kids don’t want to play with each other, or they just want to be on their own. This attachment- seeking energy is what drove my sister to poke at me, but I had other ideas for my time, like reading my books. When I wouldn’t reciprocate and give her connection, she continued to pester until things eventually erupted. In such situations, an adult needs to step in and provide the desired connection, redirecting away from using a sibling to fulfill their child’s attachment needs.

Displaced frustration One of things we often miss when our kids are frustrated with each other is that their emotions may have their roots in something other than the currently raging conflict. A child can be stirred up by something that didn’t go their way in an unrelated situation, and later take it out on their sibling. A brother or sister can be a lightning rod that unleashes emotional energy such as frustration.

One of the biggest sources of displaced frustration for a child is from relationships that do not work for them. It is often emotionally costly for a child in trouble to fight back against a displeased parent when their relationship may be on the line or they are overpowered, or when separation-based discipline is used (e.g., consequences and timeouts, which can also hurt the relationship). If a parent is upset with a child, then that same child can often turn around and unleash their frustration onto their sibling. The less a child feels emotionally safe in communicating their frustration to an adult, the more likely this frustration will be displaced onto the shoulders of other children.

The Heat is On

Making sense of the reasons why kids fight is helpful, but what do we do in the heat of the moment? The following strategies can help you consider how you might intervene in a way that preserves the dignity of everyone involved, as well as your relationship with each child.

Don’t play judge and jury Intervening in a way that doesn’t convict or lay blame on one side is important. Kids often will say, “You like them better,” communicating a sense of betrayal at the relational level. The bottom line is we don’t often know who is right or wrong but what we do know is they are having trouble, what they are doing is not okay, and that they need our help. While we can convey that the whole situation is not okay, we can also let them know we see they are both hurt, and that we believe they can do better. The idea is to get out of tricky and heated scenarios quickly and revisit them calmly when emotions are lower.

Come alongside each child If we could take a moment with each child to listen to their hurts, we would be better able to lead them through the big frustrations between them. This is often better done in privacy without the other child listening but it can be done on the spot too, conveying that we know there are hurt feelings all-round. When my sister was poking me I would have longed for someone to understand my frustration too, that I reacted because I was annoyed, and that my sister had to accept that I didn’t always want to play with her. When we react without recognizing both parties are hurt, we miss the opportunity to come to the child’s side, communicate we are there to help, and address things at a root emotional level.

Don’t force apologies Forced apologies lead to even more hurt feelings as the obvious lack of genuine caring stings you all over again. What we want is for our kids to feel genuine remorse and this can only come from a place of caring for another person. A cooling- off period is often needed when emotions are high, and when kids come back together to play they will quickly bring their caring to the surface again. When the caring is back, then cue-up the child to make amends. Reading picture books that portray what a real sorry looks like, as it does in The Sorry Plane, is helpful for normalizing frustration as well as conveying the importance of saying you’re sorry from a place of caring.

Get to the root emotion If children are constantly at each other’s throats, then we might need to step back and take a closer look at what is driving their frustration. Are they enduring a lot of change or hard times at school or in the home? Are there relationships that are important to them that are not working? It might be time to focus on your relationship with the child rather than dwelling on the relationship between the children in order to make headway.

Keep them moving Sometimes we don’t know what to do with our fighting kids but when we get in the lead, things are much more likely to straighten out. Sometimes we literally need to move them in a different direction: take them outside, get them engaged in a different activity, or spend some one-on-one time with them. When things are going sideways, take the lead and steer the energy into something less hurtful and more productive. Emotions have a way of taking care of themselves if we can keep our kids moving in a healthy direction.

When we see our children unleashing their frustration on each other, it’s better for everyone involved if an adult takes the lead and takes the heat off the child under attack. We can simply communicate that we see they are frustrated, we are there to help, and that siblings aren’t for attacking. Most kids understand to some degree that their siblings will get frustrated with them. What they have a harder time with is why their parents don’t intervene to help and provide reassurance that the problem isn’t them.

Perhaps if we could accept that kids are immature, that they will fight, and that this is part of our role as parents to help them navigate conflict, then we might find the patience we need when things are coming undone. It is hard to watch them hurt each other but our focus shouldn’t be on making them get along. As mature adults, we just need to make sure we continually express our caring as we deal with a (natural and temporary!) lack of caring in them. •

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca

This article first appeared in the Winter 2020 edition of EcoParent Magazine.

What our Kids Need Us to Understand about Aggression

There are likely few things more provocative to a parent than attacking behaviour from kids. The hardest challenge arises when our own kids are attacking each other, and our loyalties are stretched in two directions. Our instincts to protect the attacked child will jump into gear as well as our frustration. But when we deal with the behaviour of the one doing the attacking without thinking about preserving the relationship, we can make matters worse. The question is: how do we lead our kids out of attack mode and into mature ways of relating?

Aggression is defined as the impulse to attack or lash out. It can be expressed either physically or verbally. The primary emotion that drives attacking behaviour is frustration, which is hard-wired into the brain. It is often confused with anger but anger is a manifestation of frustration where blame has been assigned to someone or something. Like anger, the root of attack and aggression stems from the singular emotion of frustration. The question is, where does frustration come from in the first place?

There are many things in life that must be faced that are futile or will not change. This can include losing, being upset, not being the best at everything, being unable to change people’s minds or decisions, not being permitted to do whatever you want, having to put up with siblings, share your parent, or having to let go of good experiences or things. The biggest sources of frustration for a child are relationships that don’t work the way they want them to and limits and restrictions that are placed on them. Frustration isn’t always expressed towards the real source of it either. From a hard day at school to being frustrated with parents’ rules, it is common for siblings to be a target for displaced frustration.

Plan of Attack

Emotions serve a purpose and the job of frustration is to change something that isn’t working or to get something to stop, but sometimes change isn’t possible. For example, a parent may not buy that coveted toy every time you want one and a sibling might not want to share with you. If sadness or disappointment aren’t the emotions the child defaults to, like a volcano that explodes under pressure, the energy will commonly emerge in the form of attack as a release for the frustration, erupting onto whoever and whatever is around them.

Aggression has many forms including tantrums, biting, screaming, stomping, hitting, throwing, self-attack, sarcasm, ignoring, hostility, irritability, or rudeness. Each child seems to have a particular bent for expressing foul frustration, with young kids typically detonating in a physical form. With ideal development, a child over the age of four will increasingly express frustration verbally and use their words as the attacking object. For example, a father told me he directed his four-year-old son to use his words for his frustration instead of hits. The child then shocked his father with: “I just want to pee on you Daddy.”

When you can’t get what you want, the frustration is meant to try and change things for the better. Sometimes we are the ones that need to change and to feel the natural sadness that comes with this.

Aggression will result if a child does not emotionally adapt and feel the futility of not always getting what they want.

On the Outs with Time-Outs

In an effort to have kids “cut it out” and “calm down,” adults may use discipline tactics that only exacerbate a child’s frustration. Time-outs, yelling, consequences, and alarming kids with threats will likely increase frustration and make the child more prone to attack. Additionally, the more you try to control an out-of-control child, the more you put your relationship in jeopardy. At the same time, we cannot just sit idly by and allow other kids to get hurt by failing to lead.

When a child is full of attacking energy, it is important to maintain the lead and create an exit from the situation or environment when possible. Trying to make headway with a child when they are full of frustration (and likely us too), is foolhardy. We can typically expect better results when their emotions have been expressed and are less intense. If we can lead them to their sadness and tears in an effective and caring way, they will be better able to cope with and learn from the futilities that are in their life. As with so many issues when it comes to children, the solution is often found through play.

Leading to a Softer Place through Play

What can we do when children seem to bounce from one tantrum or attacking behaviour to the other? Sometimes their emotional systems have shifted into overdrive and attacking energy is around every corner. Some of the signs of emotional defense include a lack of soft tears when distressed, habitual eruptions of attacking energy, and a restlessness from morning to night. How can we make headway when a child is stuck in foul frustration?

Play can be a wonderful softening agent when aggression is high. When you are at play, nothing is real, and as long as people are safe and not really attacked, this emotional energy can be expelled safely in creative ways. You can start by trying to engage the child in some form of pretend aggression such as war games (with cardboard swords), play fighting (with soft pillows), playing at being hurt (while moaning in exaggerated, comical pain), or mock aggression (growling like a bear, roaring like a lion, or barking like a dog). For example, one mother I knew used to play “honey badgers” (a notoriously ferocious and tough mammal) with her son and pretend to be aggressive and full of attacking energy. The beautiful thing about play is the brain doesn’t distinguish between what is real or pretend, thus providing the same release for the feelings of frustration.

The emotion of frustration is also expelled by play activities that try to change things or alter their form. You help express a child’s frustration when you lead them to build or fix things, reassemble and reorder them, destroy or take apart, craft, make, grow, or plant. Once a child has had time to play out their frustration and express emotion, they may be softer and easier to deal with, and may be more likely to find their words for their feelings or to be led to their sadness or disappointment.

After the Storm

Managing aggression in children is primarily about reducing their frustration and helping them have a relationship with their strong emotions, while protecting other children. The good news is, with ideal development, a child should be able to temper their strong reactions between five and seven years of age. Sensitive kids might need a little more time with the shift to greater impulse control and emotional regulation, usually arriving around seven to nine years of age. With sufficient brain development in the prefrontal cortex, maturity naturally happens, and children become able to resist the impulse to lash out when stirred up by all the things they cannot change.

Our kids are not born with words for their feelings and need adults to teach them a language to reflect their internal world. We can help facilitate alternate outcomes to frustration such as putting words to their feelings. When we focus on their frustration (as opposed to focusing on the attack, aggression, or anger), we can teach them socially appropriate ways to deal with their emotions and show them our empathy. This starts with inviting them to express what isn’t working for them or needs to change. We can then come to their side to recognize their feelings and lead them to understand how this emotion is stirred up. It is as simple as acknowledging that it is hard when we don’t get what we want or when someone doesn’t share with us.

We can also facilitate an alternate response to frustration by encouraging our kids to seek our help first when things aren’t working. You can ask them to come and get you or to use their words and call for you when they are having trouble. Knowing your child as well as you do, you can also work with them ahead of incidents, rather than in the middle of the attack, and solicit their good intentions for behaviour. For example, you might say, “Can I count on you to not grab your friend’s toys and to wait your turn?” It is far easier to get ahead of a problem than to deal with it in the heat of the moment when frustration is high.

To effectively address a frustration or aggression problem we will need to turn to the solutions that preserve our relationship while patiently steering the child towards greater maturity through strategies they can utilize. When we find a way to address the frustration that stirs kids up when the world around us cannot be changed, we help them adapt and navigate difficult experiences. As they grow, this will build trust between us and leave them to continue to seek our leadership when they need it. •

This article first appeared in EcoParent, Fall 2020 issue

Sorry, Not Sorry: Saying Sorry You Like You Mean It

“You need to say you’re sorry!” When problems or conflict arise, adults and other children are quick to demand justice by insisting on an apology, pushing a child to take responsibility for their actions. However, what isn’t often considered is whether a forced sorry is helpful, especially as other kids are great barometers of sincerity and can sense when words of contrition are devoid of true caring. They will be the first to demand, “You need to say sorry like you mean it!” instinctively recognizing what we adults sometimes forget in the pursuit of justice: apologies must come from the heart. While we can force our children to resentfully say those words, we can’t make them feel appropriate remorse.

When we tell our children to say sorry without considering if there is genuine caring behind it, we make a mockery out of caring and encourage fake performances. Simply uttering the “right” caring word will not make a child more civil and socially responsible, but sincerely caring about others will help them grow in the right direction. If we want our children to have integrity and have their words match their feelings, then we should not tempt them to give hollow “caring” performances. Ultimately, when it comes to saying sorry, only meaningful encounters will do.

The Capacity To Care

Caring is one of the most important human emotions, fueling healthy development and emotional maturity. It is at the very core of our concern for both ourselves and others. Caring is present in our desire to be conscientious in how we act and talk, and in how we feel responsible and act respectfully. It’s present in our desire to be interested and involved, to nurture and act non-violently despite being upset, and to be gracious and generous when mistakes are made. Without caring, human relationships do not work, and we are incapable of becoming more civil and mature. Caring is what tempers troublesome emotions, such as frustration and fear, because we care not to hurt another. When children feel their caring, they can self-actualize and bring their gifts into the world.

The good news is that caring is hardwired into the brain. Our well-being rests on attachment and connection with others, and as a species we crave togetherness because it offers us the best chance for psychological and physical survival. In short, we are better together. While we are born with the capacity to care, it requires support to be unlocked and expressed.

The Attachment Foundation

It is attachment to things and people that unlocks caring emotions in a child. When we are attached, caring cements the relationship and makes contact and closeness work for each person, and when adults build strong relationships with children, a child’s expression of caring will increase and deepen. To feel a vulnerable emotion like caring, we must first be cared for.

Attachment for a child can happen in many ways, but ideally develops over the first six years of life (although it is never too late to cultivate it!). Children will fall into attachment when there is a generous caretaker who is emotionally safe and engages with them in a meaningful way. As attachment forms, a natural desire will emerge to stay close, to feel a sense of belonging and loyalty, and to love back and feel safe enough to share their secrets. It is the invitation for relationship from a caring adult that opens the child’s attachment instincts and the capacity to care deeply about others.

When you realize that caring is instinctive then it should be obvious that we don’t need to teach our children to care. You only need to watch a young child care for pets, siblings, and possessions to see how these innate emotions appear all on their own. If we want our children to be more caring, then we need to work at our relationship with them and let that be the model for other interpersonal exchanges.

Safe Homes, Soft Hearts

In addition to a safe attachment to a caregiver, for children to feel vulnerable emotions they also need soft hearts. When a child feels too unsafe, too alarmed, or too much separation, the brain can move to defend them from fully experiencing the vulnerability of the moment. These defences do not mean there is a problem with their brain; rather, it is a sacrifice play by the brain in order to preserve the functioning in the child.

To put it another way, if feeling emotion gets in the way of surviving, then the brain will suppress emotions that lead to too much upset and emotional overwhelm. This is the reason why the “cry-it-out” sleep training method (without adult comfort), seems to “work.” The child’s brain will simply shut down emotional distress when it is too much to bear, but it comes at the expense of the child’s caring and desire to be close.

Cultivating A Caring Child

How do you know if your child is caring? You will see it in the way they are kind to others or the way they desire to be close to you. Children who cannot feel their vulnerable emotion don’t talk about feeling sad or scared. Indeed, they can seem flat and unaffected, or conversely, be aggressive and unyielding. If we see signs of a child not having caring emotions, then we need to reduce separation, alarm, and increase relational safety to bring back those vulnerable emotions. For example, this might mean helping a child who is struggling at school to feel more connected to their teacher by focusing on things they have in common. Relationships are the safe homes for a child’s soft heart.

To cultivate caring kids who take responsibility for their actions and words we need to lead them in making amends from a place of caring. When a sorry is needed, it is better to ask them, “Do you have any sorrys in you to give to this person?” This question directs the child’s attention to what they are feeling inside, rather than requiring them to perform as a person who is caring in order to avoid punishment. The goal is to anchor the child’s expression of caring to the emotion of caring. When emotion and expression are joined together, they form a powerful alliance that anchors the child so that they can do the right thing even if no one is watching. When their internal conscience and compass is built so that words match emotion, a child will naturally become more civil and socially appropriate.

If a child responds to the question of sorrys with a no, then the goal is to alert the child that a sorry is needed and when their sorrys “come back” then they are to deliver one. This can also happen in private so that the offended party’s immediate justice-seeking doesn’t thwart attempts for a genuine sorry. Allowing your child to play out their feelings, keeping them close and connected, are just some of the ways we can bide our time until the sorry eventually returns. When it does, we can then prompt the child to deliver it.

“When emotion and expression are joined together, they form a powerful alliance that anchors the child so that they can do the right thing even if no one is watching.”

It is important to keep in mind that children under the age of seven can only process one emotion at a time. When they are full of frustration, they do not feel caring. Conversely, when they are full of caring, they will not feel any frustration. Patiently waiting and helping to move them through frustration may be required.

If a child’s sorrys don’t ever seem to come back, then the issue may possibly be with some of the relationships they have, or that their heart isn’t soft in some circumstances. In either of these cases, take these as signs that more emotional support, a deepening of relationships, or softening of the heart is needed.

We cannot command a child to feel, as their emotions are unique to them and must come from within. However, we can lead a child to their caring feelings or facilitate their return by taking care of the child until they do. When we get our children connected to their feelings, then nature can do the rest, growing them into socially responsible and caring individuals.

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Spring 2020, www.ecoparent.ca

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.

The Sorry Plane is a playful introduction for kids and their caregivers to the importance of understanding and respecting our feelings. Brilliantly illustrated with captivating images by artist Zoe Si, The Sorry Plane carries a profound message about the importance of connecting with our authentic emotions. It highlights how a good sorry is one that you mean from the heart and how we adults can preserve a child’s caring spirit.

The Sorry Plane bears the Neufeld Institute Recommended seal which highlights children’s literature that is congruent with developmental science as well as with the relational-developmental approach articulated by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, PhD

When Push Comes to Shove: The Answer to Children’s Aggression

Aggressive behaviour in children can be alarming. Hitting, screaming and yelling, fighting with others, and even eye rolling are emotionally charged actions that can leave parents at a loss for how to respond.

Getting to the root of aggression is key to helping your child navigate their feelings and develop self-control. If we focus only on our child’s aggressive behaviour and lack insight into what drives it then we may view our child as mean-spirited, entitled, spoiled, inconsiderate, or in need of retaliatory “tough love”. We may be provoked to respond with threats, punishments, and even physical force, which exacerbates the problem and does little to help our child mature emotionally. In short, it is hard to change a child’s behaviour when you don’t grasp what fuels it. By understanding aggression and the role it plays in human nature, adults are in a better position to help change the behaviour at a root level. The good news is there a lot we can do to support a child in developing self-control over their big emotions.

IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL

As a parent, you’ve likely experienced how a child’s emotions can change seemingly without warning—from happy and content to screaming and stomping at some perceived wrong. This lack of tempering and self-control in children isn’t personal but developmental. A very young child may promise they won’t hit again only to turn around and strike someone minutes later. When asked why they didn’t stop hitting they might say, “I forgot.” And as frustrating as that statement can be, in that moment, they are likely being truthful, as a child can only keep one thought or feeling in their head at a time. By the age of seven, kids who are maturing well have developed the cognitive capacity to better manage their emotions.

Too often we take our children’s emotions personally instead of seeing them as a means of communication. When we shift our perspective on aggression, we are more likely to gain insight into the emotions that are driving the child and focus on helping them develop emotional maturity. Our children’s emotions are the way their brain moves them to solve problems, and they are hard-wired to demand expression.

FRUSTRATION CUES, AGGRESSION ANSWERS

Many people assume that aggression is the result of anger. However, there is a more fundamental emotion that fuels aggression: frustration. Frustration is the emotion that moves us to seek change—whether to make something happen or to make something stop happening. When it collides head-on with the realization that there are certain things we just can’t have or are unable to change, frustration is compounded, sometimes giving way to aggressive behaviours. The job of parents is to help little ones navigate their frustration by finding words for it or alternate forms of expression that don’t hurt others.

Rather than just focusing on getting a child to stop the behaviour, the trick to dealing with aggression is to focus on the feeling behind the action. Frustration in the child is where we need to pay attention and recognize what we may have missed, like a child who is tired or hungry. A child’s frustrated actions are a call to us to take the lead and change what isn’t working, rather than just engaging in a head-to-head battle. Sometimes it’s as simple as providing a snack or instigating naptime, but there are also times when we can’t change what isn’t working and need strategies to help them accept the limits and boundaries that come with life.

Lead through the storm

Understandably, children aren’t always eager to accept our limits and restrictions; in fact, they are well known for pushing back against them. Part of the challenge in dealing with children’s frustration is not letting our own frustration at their actions make matters worse. When we punish or administer consequences, we effectively fuel their frustration which often leads to an escalation of attacking behaviour. I once overheard a mother punish her child because he didn’t follow her by taking away his screen time. Not only did he still not follow, but he hit her and the escalation of aggression between them grew. Instead of meeting the child where he was and working through his perceived defiance, the mother’s emotions led them into a dangerous spiral. As tough as it is, we need to try and stay out of the aggression whirlpool and plant ourselves firmly in the ground of the relationship.

In the key of empathy

In difficult moments, it can feel daunting to be patient in the face of a child’s frustration, let alone aggression. It can be helpful to focus on frustration and to come alongside their emotions, from the unpleasantness of the decision you have made—whether it’s having to follow along in a boring grocery store, or not getting another cookie, not being able to stay up late, or not attending a much-desired event. Granting a child the time and space to grasp and realize that life is full of disappointments and helping them acknowledge that it feels bad is time well spent. If the child is moved to tears, then the frustration is shifted to sadness, and away from hurting others.

Preserve your relationship

What happens when the opportunity to calmly commiserate or wipe away tears of disappointment has passed? When a child isn’t ready to give up what they want, their frustration can be outright foul. Hostile behaviour, throwing, biting, screaming, head-banging, fits of rage, and verbal insults can result as that venting ramps up into aggression.

One of the most important things we can do when a child is lashing out in frustration is aim to preserve our relationship with them, especially since a lack of connection in such times can make aggression worse. This means leading through the impasse by being patient, yet firm, and possibly changing the circumstances around the child, such as removing items that can be thrown, and taking other children out of harm’s way. It is especially helpful to stop what we are doing and give a child our full attention without giving in to our own frustration.

Gently reminding a child that frustration needs to be expressed through words that aren’t hurtful is an important strategy. Similarly, preserve their dignity by avoiding statements like, “You are so mean!” or “Why do you hurt people?” These succeed only in shaming the child and suggests there is something wrong with them for having the emotion of frustration. By coming alongside the child and acknowledging that they are having a hard time, you help reduce the aggression and keep the relationship healthy.

Handling an aggressive situation when your own reserves are drained can be hard to do, not just for you, but also for your child. In a worst-case-scenario where patience is stretched to its thinnest, aim for doing no harm to the relationship before you attempt to quell the storm. To keep everyone’s dignity intact, it’s okay to wait until emotions have discharged before talking to your child about what was driving them and what your expectations are.

We all know (or have been parented by) parents who dismiss, suppress, or debase their children’s feelings. While in the short run it might produce a docile child, muzzling the emotions can lead to problems with emotional and behavioural combustion down the road. Rather than using logic to convince feelings to go away or denying the realness and legitimacy of emotions, children need the opportunity to express, recognize, and mature into their feelings. The real answer to aggression is supporting a child’s healthy emotional development and to grow within them the ability to control, reflect on, and find civil ways to deal with their big emotions. •

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Winter 2019

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Three Irreducible Needs That All Kids Need to Thrive

Raffi Cavoukian , a children’s singer, songwriter, and child advocate, wrote a song titled – All I really need – which beautifully captures from a child’s perspective their most essential needs. Raffi sings, “All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family.” Every time I listen to this song I hear an unspoken message directed at adults as to what our children really need in order to thrive.

Developmental science is also clear on the three irreducible needs of kids – the need for play, tears, and relationship. These three things are critical ingredients in helping kids grow to become socially and emotionally responsible individuals capable of setting their own goals, adapting to their environment and being resilient in the face or adversity, and feeling empathy for others. This is what maturity should look like but without the right conditions, this growth cannot be assured.

We all know people who look like grown ups but behave like preschoolers. There is a difference between being young at heart and being immature – such as blaming others for one’s problems, having a hard time not getting their way, demanding and commanding others as to how to take care of them, and behaving impulsively. How do we explain this lack of maturity? When there are deficits in a child’s environment in providing for their irreducible needs, then development can be impacted and maturity hampered.

The Irreducible Need for True Play

Play is the birthplace of personhood. It is where a child gets their hands on the steering wheel of their own life and experiments under the direction of their body, heart, and mind. Kids need a place that is free of consequences in order to practice and explore.

Humans come with an innate desire to make sense of things, to pursue goals, and to discover who they are. We cannot force a child to play or do it for them, it is an instinct that drives them to emerge as their own person that can only be unlocked in play. As any three year old will declare while in the process of figuring things out – “I do it myself!”

We don’t have to teach our kids how to play – it is innate. Our job is to create the space for them to play that is contained, safe from emotional wounding, and allows for the freedom of movement and expression. In other words, playgrounds often have gates and fences around them leaving kids free to explore the space that is within.

Some kids are drawn to movement and to use their bodies to jump, climb, dance, or run. Others like to explore and examine, while some like to take items in their world and design something new. Each child has a particular bent for expressing their internal world, it is our job to facilitate the expression of it by creating spaces where this can be unleashed.

What gets in the way of children’s play? One of the main challenges to play is the push towards academics, particularly in the early years. The trend towards early instruction and schooling is alarming and unfounded based on decades of research in developmental science. For example, in my community there are children showing up in kindergarten unable to play, that is, they look at their teacher and say they don’t know how when told it is time to. Upon closer examination, their preschool years have been full of instruction, schooling, and structured activities. Instead of hearing parents sound alarm bells about the loss of play (the teacher did!), there was a sense of pride that a child could read or do math at an early age. Earlier is not better – not according to science. We can train and make kids work and perform at early ages but at what cost to their development? What happens when kids are made to work instead of play?

Play affords a child a safe space for emotional expression and this is critical to well-being and maturity. Kids go through many types of emotions in play, acting out their feelings in the safety of pretend and make believe. When play isn’t ‘for real,’ then the consequences of emotional expression are minimized and offer them the freedom to release whatever is stirring them up. The loss of play has been correlated in research with increasing rates of attention, anxiety, depression, and aggression in kids. Play preserves children emotionally.

The problem is we don’t value play the same way we do work and outcomes. Play is viewed as something kids do in their spare time and even this has become endangered. Children’s time is increasingly filled with screens, structured activities, and instruction. While screens have become easy targets in bemoaning the loss of play, research suggests that one of the biggest losses in kid’s time is due to the increased amount of time they spend shopping – a 168% rise over a 15 year period.

Without play our children cannot grow. There are no shortcuts here, no substitutes, and no pill that can serve as a substitute for what play provides. Parents need to be a gatekeeper to the things that erode time and space for play. Children need to have a song in their heart as Raffi says, because this is the sound of play inside of a child that is seeking expression in the world around them.

The Irreducible Need for Tears

Humans are born with the inherent capacity to be adaptable and resilient. We should be able to thrive despite adversity, to handle not getting our way, survive lack and loss, and be transformed in the process. This is the potential that exists in each of us and it will only be realized when we have a relationship with tears and sadness.

The capacity to feel sad is one of the best indicators of emotional health in a child. When vulnerable feelings can be expressed it indicates that a child’s environment is helping to preserve or protect a child’s heart. Emotions are what drive a child to mature when they care about others and themselves, care about learning, care about their behaviour and how they act, and care enough to face their fears.

Tears signify loss and separation from something we desire or when we are up against the things we cannot change. When it registers in the brain that something is futile – it cannot be or cannot change – then there is an emotional download and sadness is the end result. It is here, in this place where we have to let go of our agenda and feel the upset around it, that we are changed by the emotional shift. When it vulnerably registers that we can’t always get what we want, it will also resonate that we can also handle adversity. Tears are not something to be feared but something to be embraced in the process of learning.

What gets in the way of supporting kid’s from expressing sadness or in crying? Sometimes adults are too impatient, busy, or frustrated which leaves little patience and room for a child’s emotional needs. Sometimes the messages we send kids is that we value happiness and ‘positive feelings’ more and suggest that sadness or upset is not welcome or warranted. Phrases such as, “turn that frown upsidedown,” or “you are not filling someone’s bucket today,” can put the focus on people pleasing instead of emotional integrity. We cannot tell our children to be honest, speak their mind, and tell us their secrets, while at the same time tell them to change or deny what they are feeling because it doesn’t serve them or us.

Many parents tell me that when they were a child they were not raised being able to cry or express sadness when things didn’t work out. They often feel that because they were not supported this way, they are therefore unable to support their own kids too. But the capacity to help someone when they feel sad or upset is not something you need to learn, rather, it is something we already know how to answer with comfort, contact, and closeness. We just need to show up and be present when our kids need to feel vulnerably and express what they are going through.

You don’t have to agree with a child’s thoughts or actions in order to help them find their tears either. We can come alongside their emotions and make room for their expression without condoning that immature behaviour is okay. We can acknowledge that something is frustrating for them and welcome the tears that need to drain the frustration that is built up. Saying no is part of an adult’s role in a child’s life – and so is helping them find their tears when they can’t change the no’s that are there.

If a child can no longer say they are sad, upset, or lose the capacity to cry, it will be the adults in their life that will need to consider how to lead a child back to a place where they can feel vulnerably. When caring feelings go missing, it can be for many reasons including inhibition by the brain in order to preserve emotional well-being. If caring about something hurts too much, the brain simply responds by inhibiting the experience of caring feelings. Sometimes hearts can harden but there is much adults can do to help them thaw.

The Irreducible Need for Relationship

Children cannot thrive without relationships. They need relationships with adults who generously invite them to be in their presence, who display an unwavering capacity to hold onto them despite conduct and performance – while at the same time, lead the child to behave in ways that are civil, mature, and emotionally responsible towards others.

While I was at a hockey game the other night, I watched a father and his 7-year old son interact as they sat in front of me. It was clear his son was excited to be at the hockey game as well as impatient in only being able to move within the narrow confines of his chair. I watched the boy move around in his seat and buzz with energy as he watched the game, engaged with his Dad, and playfully interacted with his friend. I watched as his father gave him some space to express his energy until it crossed a line where it became too much and annoying to others around him – like when he started to kick the chair in front of him. The father leaned down, brought his head to his son’s ear and gave him direction, “I need you to stop kicking the chair and to sit in your seat for 10 more minutes.” The effect was immediate but what was remarkable was the warm yet firm way the father dealt with his son. It was clear to me his son was moved to obey his father not out of fear but respect – this is relationship at it’s finest.

What healthy relationships deliver to children is the ability to rest and trust in the care of an adult to lead them. A child’s immaturity means they will behave poorly at times and express themselves inappropriately. What kids need is to lean on adults who can lead them through these impasses while preserving their relationship. It is a child’s dependency on an adult that facilitates their growth towards independence. In other words, unless you are rooted relationally, you cannot stretch and grow towards your own human potential.

There are many ways we can facilitate healthy relationships with our kids including:

Engage them in conversation and listen with full attention
Do things together that bring out your enjoyment in being with them
Remember what is important to them and surprise them with your knowledge
Get there first when it comes to meeting their needs, that is, come before they call you for another kiss goodnight or be ready to feed them before they get ‘hangry’
When they are not behaving well, convey what isn’t okay while also conveying that your relationship still is
Don’t be afraid to lead them and call the shots when appropriate, inviting tears when needed

What Raffi seems to get so clearly in his song, All I really need, is how adults are partners in playing midwife to a child’s maturity. Kids have songs in their hearts because they should be instinctively moved to play. They need food in their bellies and love in their families which is about their hunger for attachment and to be cared for. Add in some tears and the capacity to feel sad and you have the three irreducible needs that all children require based on decades of cultural wisdom and developmental science. Simple? Yes – but these three things require a great deal of time, energy, commitment, and patience on the part of adults.

If you take the long view on human development you quickly realize there is no pill that can substitute for maturity. Nature has a plan to grow our kids up and of we do our job then we can trust in nature to do the rest. We need to play midwife to the potential for maturity that lies within each of our children.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

Steering Through Sibling Conflict Without Losing Your Relationship

Parents routinely believe the greatest gift they can give their child is a sibling to grow up with. This thought can be quickly shattered when these same children erupt and attack each other physically or verbally.

Wading into sibling conflict can feel like tricky territory. On one hand, a parent will feel propelled to protect a child who is under attack, but what is there to be done with your other child who is also full of frustration? Most importantly, how can adults lead through incidents while at the same time preserving their relationship with each child?

Sibling conflict is an area parents long for quick fixes. In reality, it is maturity that should provide the ultimate answer to their uncivilized ways of relating with each other but until then, we are going to have to take the lead. There are a few things to keep in mind as you try to take charge when kids are struggling with each other.

1. Assume responsibility for helping kids through the conflict

When kids struggle they need adults who will step in and take an active role in stabilizing the chaos that has erupted. This may mean dealing with things in the moment and simply addressing them with statements such as, “this isn’t working,” “this needs to stop,” “brothers aren’t for hitting,” or “sisters aren’t for yelling at.”

It is important to try and control the circumstances around the kids and not to try to control an out of control child. If they need to separate from each other, try to do it in a non-shaming way such as, “we need to take a break,” or “I am going to help you find something else to do because this is not working out right now.” You may also decide to address the problem between them at a time when they can emotionally hear you.

For kids it can also be a source of wounding when they see their adults fail to jump in to intervene in difficult situations with their siblings. Adults need to be counted on as protectors and guides so if they let a child down this way continuously, the relationship with their adult can suffer.

2. Protect your relationship with both children

In order to protect your relationship with both kids, it is best not to play the role of judge and jury. If the focus on intervening is about fairness and understanding who is to blame, at some point one child will feel you are being less loyal to them and the incident will quickly transform into a relational one with you.

What you can do instead is to listen and acknowledge each child’s side and their frustration, for example, “you are upset because your sister yelled at you,” and “you are upset because you were pushed in return.” While letting them know this isn’t how we deal with problems, you can convey that you understand how they are feeling. To come to each child’s side emotionally conveys that you are with them, and allows you to address the problem with their behaviour. For example, “I see you are both upset so I am going to help you with how we are going to share this toy.” With older kids who have a hard day at school and are taking their frustration out on a sibling, you might come alongside them and say, “I can see you had a frustrating day and it needs to come out, your younger sister is not the person this should happen with. I am here and I will help you with this.”

When you focus on helping kids understand the emotions that drove them to act immature, then you are better positioned to help them act differently the next time. It is emotion that drives behaviour and that is where we want to do our work.

In order to hold onto more than one child at the same time, it is also important to bridge the problem behaviour and convey a desire to be with each child despite conduct. If it is necessary to talk to each child later, after the incident, it may be best to do this one on one rather than together.

3. Use your relationship to solicit good intentions

While kids may act mature, the stronger your relationship with them, the more you can influence them to act differently the next time they are having problems. In debriefing incidents you can solicit their good intentions by asking them to, “call me when you need help,” or “share your toys and take turns,” or “use your words to communicate.” While they may still lose their good intentions in the heat of the moment, it does pave the way for them to consider how they can act differently and reiterates your expectations.

It also helps to keep in mind that when kids are emotionally overloaded, they know much better than they can behave (this goes for adults too). Emotional maturity takes time and patience. We need to keep our relationship with our kids strong so they can continue to mature and be guided by us.

4. Impose order through structure and routine

When kids struggle with each another it may be helpful to consider the overall structure they are operating under as well as imposing some routine. For example, if young kids are left alone, it is likely they will engage in territorial battles over toys or people. This is the same for poorly supervised playgrounds and school recesses.

An important part of a child’s environment and structure should involve supervision by adults who can step in and provide guidance for their interactions. For older kids it might involve being in earshot so as to counter inappropriate ways of relating.

In terms of routine, when things are left open to interpretation, there is more leeway to fight over how things should be done. If you have specific routines in place such as who goes first, and how you rotate this between kids, to how you will share things, there is less that is up for grabs.

5. Strengthen the relationship between siblings through matchmaking.

To cultivate a stronger attachment between siblings, it is helpful to play matchmaker by pointing out their similarities and areas of sameness. To activate their instincts of belonging and loyalty, get them working together on something or playing and having fun with you.

It is also helpful to enlist the older child to take on a ‘big sibling’ role and point them towards helping their sibling. When a child is in the position of helper, it will move them out of competing and into the position of caring.

When Sibling Conflict is Chronic

If there seems to be an increasing level or high amount of foul frustration directed at a sibling, or back and forth between them, then it may be important to consider the source of what is not working. Frustration is often displaced onto siblings and is not necessarily directed at the people or situations that provoked these feelings in the first place.

Consider if you are exacerbating a child’s frustration because of how you deal with their sibling conflict or how you discipline them overall. If your interactions suggest to a child that there is little invitation for contact and closeness, then you may be creating more frustration as you deal with their frustration. In this case, it will be important to focus on restoring the relationship and coming alongside their emotions while conveying what isn’t working. For example, you might say, “I know you are frustrated that your brother doesn’t want to play with you right now. I am here to help you with this and brothers are not for calling names just because you can’t get what you want.”
Consider what relationships in their world are not working well for them. Are they missing a parent who is away, sick, travelling, or due to a divorce or separation? Are they having trouble with their peers at school or a teacher? Are there places they want to belong but are left out or feeling rejected in? Are they struggling with school work or some other frustration filled event? If they don’t talk about their daily frustration with you then perhaps strengthening your relationship might help draw them closer so they will. When a child is full of attacking energy it is important not to lose our intuition about the frustration that is driving it.
Consider whether they still have a soft heart and their tears. In other words, do you see signs of caring as well as a child being moved to sadness with certain people or under specific situations? If these softer feelings are reduced or disappearing, this may be from increasing emotional inhibition due to being overloaded and hurt. In this situation, it would be important to use structure and routine, as well as supervision to prevent wounding to the child as well as others, while at the same time working to reduce their overload by building a stronger relationship with them. When the caring returns, a child will be less likely to erupt with acts of foul frustration.

The only way to truly avoid sibling conflict is to only have one child. Conflict is something that comes with the territory of taking care of more than one immature being at a time. Conflict is also part of human relationships as we navigate having different feelings and needs from each other.

We need to lead through conflict, preserve our relationship with each child, and help them understand the emotions that drive them. We need to preserve order, point them towards a more civilized form of relating and be patient until maturity delivers, with our help, an emotionally mature, reflective, independent, and tempered individual. Until that time – kids will get frustrated and we will need to lead them through it.

Ten Things Not To Do When a Child is Frustrated or Having a Tantrum

Every child seems to have their own signature move when it comes to lashing out in frustration including screaming, kicking, yelling, throwing, stomping, name calling, to self attack. Knowing how to lead a child through their emotional storms can feel challenging.

Frustration is an emotion that is hard wired into the brain at birth. It is the emotion that fuels us to change what doesn’t work and sometimes, we will have to be the one that changes too. Frustration is a powerful force that lies dormant, ready to be activated when needed.

The good news is children should naturally develop more self control when frustrated between 5 to 7 years of age (7 to 9 for more sensitive kids), if brain development is unfolding well. They will begin to be able to make choices as to what to do when they are frustrated rather than acting impulsively on their emotions.

Part of the challenge is that untempered frustration can turn to aggression and be harmful to the self or to others. Diligent adults want to teach and show a child the right way to respond but in the process, can make matters worse by doing one of the following ten things. Not only can these increase frustration, they can prevent a child from developing a sense of impulse control around this powerful emotion.

Don’t increase a child’s frustration by threatening them or using punishment – When kids are frustrated they are emotionally stirred up. The use of consequences, threats, or time-outs adds to their frustration thereby increasingly the likelihood of further eruptions of attacking behaviour. While we can’t let a child simply attack or hurt others, we can convey what isn’t working by simply stating the obvious, e.g., arms are not for hitting, and find a way to allow for eruption without repercussion to others. While we are firm on our limits and restrictions, we need to deescalate the situation rather than increase frustration and aggression.

The problem is some adults believe this type of approach rewards a child or ‘lets them get away with it.’ This view stems from a behavioural approach and ignores the role of emotion in behaviour. Conversely, from a developmental and relational perspective, one of the most important tasks an adult has is to help a child with developing self control and being able to use civilized forms of expression to communicate their feelings. When we increase a child’s frustration we become an adversary and lose our relationship in the process, the very thing that we need to help them become more mature.
Don’t convey you don’t know what to do with the child – When a child is frustrated and an adult tells them, “I don’t know what to do with you,” or “you are too much for me,” it reveals they feel impotent in the face of their child’s big emotions. Not only can it fuel greater frustration, it can also lead to insecurity in the relationship.
Don’t convey there is a problem with the feeling of frustration – Frustration is a powerful emotion that is meant to fuel change or the process of being transformed by what cannot be changed. For example, a child learns they can handle not getting another cookie, losing a game, to getting a bad mark from their teacher. When we convey to a child that they need to stop feeling frustrated we will thwart their understanding of this emotional reservoir that helps them change things. The problem with frustration is not the ‘feeling itself’ but in not being able to control it and unleashing it on others. Frustration that is channeled in a civilized way, will be the driving force for change when needed. We don’t want out children to stop feeling frustrated – we want them to steer through it in a mature fashion.
Don’t fail to lead a child through their frustration – While frustration needs to come out, adults still need to be responsible for keeping others safe, including the child. They should consider the environment they are in and whether they need to move a child to a place that is better suited for their emotional upset. We may need to consider whether we need to leave a public place or to hold onto the toys they are throwing at others, while also conveying we will take care of them. Adults need to lead and not ignore a child who is frustrated in the hopes that they will just work it out.
Don’t use logic to solve a child’s emotional problem – When a child is frustrated they are having a powerful emotional response but this doesn’t stop adults from trying to use ‘logic’ to solve it. We may ask them ‘why are you upset’ or remind them that we have ‘told them 100 times’ as if a rational approach is the answer. We don’t need to talk our children out of their upset; rather, we need to lead them to their sadness and disappointment about the things that cannot change. When we focus on the head and reason, we usually lose their heart in the process, and with this the rest that only their tears can deliver.
Don’t punish them after the frustration and tantrum – As if frustration wasn’t bad enough, the idea of going back around and punishing a child after a tantrum is part of the behavioural approach as well. There is an underlying belief with this method that punishment is what grows a child up. What kids need after the fact is to understand what they were feeling, why they acted a certain way, that you are there to help them, and to offer direction on what they could do differently. When you have a child’s heart they are inclined to follow your lead. If you lose the lead in the relationship by focusing on punishment, you are rendered an adversary. When punishment aims to control a child’s actions, you end up losing the capacity to influence them doing something different the next time around.
Don’t identify the child with their attacking behaviour – When a child is lashing out in frustration, adults can be quick to say things like, “good girls don’t hit,” or “why are you so mean?” This type of language is shaming and suggests that there is something inherently wrong with the child. A shift in direction can depersonalize their attack by saying things like, “your legs want to stomp because you are frustrated,” and “you have screams because you are upset.” Not only does it help the child see you as someone who will help them, it also allows them to connect frustration with their bodily reactions. When they are able to connect the dots this way, they will be better able to feel their frustration rising before it moves into action.
Don’t tell a child to cry or NOT to cry –While tears are usually the best remedy to foul frustration, we cannot force or command a child to cry. While we can convey we understand they are sad about what cannot change, our role is simply to pave the way for disappointment to occur naturally. At the same time, telling a child they should NOT cry only increases their frustration and the chance that it will turn into aggression. The idea that tears are not allowed conveys to a child that vulnerable feelings are not tolerated or supported. This is a dangerous message in the face of frustration, and one that can contribute to aggression problems.
Don’t tell them about your frustration in order to teach them about their own – The idea that we have to share our frustration with kids in order for them to understand their own misses the mark. When we make them focus on our feelings, their attention is no longer on their own. While we may think our emotions provide a ‘teachable moment’ to a child, it can also serve to confuse and alarm them. The goal is to help support a child understanding their emotions so when we add ours into the mix it can be overwhelming. This isn’t to suggest that we can’t talk about having frustration but the idea that we share our problems with our kids can turn them into our caretakers and reverse our roles.
Don’t tell a child to ‘cut it out’ or ‘stop being frustrated’ – Perhaps the hardest of all to realize about emotion is that it needs some room for expression. For the toddler it may be the screams, the preschooler the stomps, the kindergarten the words, or for the teen, the eye rolling. We all get frustrated and we all still lash out despite knowing better. The answer is not to cut out your frustration (which is impossible), but to find one’s caring in the face of it. When our caring is bigger than our frustration, the attacking forces are neutralized and we will find a more tempered response. It is the absence of caring that makes frustration more difficult and wounding. Kids under the age of 5 to 7 (7 to 9 years for sensitive kids) can’t experience caring and frustration at the same time so we will need to have to wait for brain development to deliver more impulse control. Until then, it will be our impulse control that helps lead kids through the emotional storms.

While there are many things that do not work and create more problems when our kids are frustrated, there are a number of things that will help. We need to give some space and room for emotional expression and to help them find words to match their internal feelings. While we can’t control an out of control child, we can change the circumstances we are in – such as leave restaurants or the dinner table. Walking a child to their tears is an important part of managing frustration. More information can be found in the article, You can’t always get what you want – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency.

When a child is full of attacking energy, we often lose our intuition as to the frustration that is driving it. With insight and awareness, we can ‘dance’ with our kids when they are frustrated and convey to them that we are there to help with these big feelings too.