Who’s in Charge Here, Anyway? Why Dominant children need parents to Lead

Bossy, commanding, demanding, insatiable, frustrated, restless, and resistant are just a few of the words used to describe the behaviour of children who act like they are in charge of their adults. These characteristics are not genetic, learned, nor can they be punished out of a child. They are the result of emotions and instincts that are fueling a child’s behaviour, making taking care of them difficult and exhausting. These behaviours are a result of a growing phenomenon in our homes and schools where our kids are taking the lead in the adult-child relationship.

The number of children with dominance problems has steadily grown over the last thirty years, overturning the natural adult/child relationship that has existed for centuries. Without understanding the roots of how the relationship has become upended, adults are left to chase down rabbit holes and ineffectually focus on the myriad behavioural symptoms.

When there are dominance problems a child is driven (emotionally and instinctively) to displace their parent from the leadership role, and to act and talk like they are in charge. Instead of resting in their adult’s care and following their lead, they insist on “fairness” and adherence to their version of the “rules.” They can also be clingy, must have the last say, and claim superiority. While the child is attached to their parent, they are attaching in the lead position instead of a dependent one. Children cannot rest, play, or grow if they are in the lead, making it the work of the parent to regain their role as the caretaker.

A LOSS OF LEADERSHIP

There are many reasons and ways parents can lose the lead when it comes to caring for their kids, including a lack of cultural support and a lack of confidence in what they can offer a child. Four of the more common reasons are:

Our love of independence

We all want to raise our children to become separate, social people who will be self-sufficient and goal-driven. The problem is not in wanting these things but in how we seek to get there. Children need to depend on their adults given their immaturity, which was always nature’s intention when it came to raising a child. We are meant to be the ones to guide and orient them, share our values, look out for, protect, nurture, and defend them when necessary.

Children were not meant to take the lead in caring for themselves until they are mature but we can prematurely push this along. Adults were meant to slowly retreat to a consulting role by the teen years, but this does not come from pushing kids to grow up. Examples of this include expecting babies to soothe themselves or preschoolers to be able to self-regulate strong emotion, or when we push young kids into early academics instead of allowing them to play. When we push independence before our children are ready, we communicate to them that they better care for themselves.

Our love of independence is eclipsing from view the necessity of inviting our children to depend upon us. All growth emanates from being deeply rooted in a trusting relationship and this is our role in raising a child—to ensure they are rooted in our relational gardens where we can cultivate them to mature, civilized ways of being in the world.

Offering too many choices

Promoting premature independence in kids often begets the parenting practice of asking our children to make choices about their caretaking. What do they want to eat? Do they want to go to bed yet? Do we consistently surrender to their relentless demands for playdates and sleepovers? There are many ways we lose our rightful place as leaders, especially when we over-consult with them on what they need. That being said, there are age appropriate areas our children can show healthy leadership, such as taking care of a younger child or pet, deciding what they want to play with, or how much food their body wants to eat. The problem is with our belief that we have to ask our children questions to make them independent, when what they hear is that we don’t know how to care for them nor know how to take the lead. A child will feel most secure when we read their needs and move to provide for them.

Too much separation

Parents face many stressors and competing attachments ranging from work responsibilities and financial obligations to divorce and health challenges. Kids need to count on their adults to provide routine, consistency, and stability. When parents are not available, and when they do not generously provide warmth and attention to their child, then insecurity may flourish. The more things that detract parents from their caretaking role, the more a child loses an emotionally safe, dependent relationship they require to grow. Further, while there often exists unavoidable separations parents and children face from each other given work and school demands, the role of surrogate adults in the child’s life becomes just as important to ensure the child feels cared for.

Alarm-based parenting

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. While we have been caring for children for centuries, today’s parents receive conflicting and contradictory advice, making the job seem even harder. Fear and lack of confidence in parenting stems from feeling like we don’t have all the answers to deal with their tantrums, learning needs, or how to discipline them correctly. When we parent from a place of fear— being overprotective, never saying no, negotiating as if they were equals, distracting them from their upset, or making everything work for them—we rob them of the secure base they would instinctively lean on when facing adversity. We need not worry that we don’t have all the answers as long as we see ourselves as the answer to their needs.

THE MARKS OF A LEADER

Staying in the lead means inviting the dominant child to depend on us. We cannot force a child to rest in our care, but we can work to create the conditions that will foster it by accepting the work of the relationship and assuming the alpha role in the child’s life.

To accept the work of the relationship is to keep our finger on the pulse of whether our children feel close to us, depend on us, and trust us. If our relationship feels strained or weakened, we need to repair and protect it and refrain from using separation-based discipline methods. Our relationship alone is what should influence a child’s desire to obey, follow, attend, listen, and share the same values as us, and parents must take the lead in preserving it.

To claim an alpha role in a child’s life is to act as their compass point and to help them make sense of the world around them. It means we don’t simply meet their demands but anticipate their needs, and we seize the lead in nurturing and comforting them when they are facing futilities that are part of life. To invite a child to rest in our care we need to portray a strong alpha presence so that they feel we are in charge and can handle whatever comes our way, from tantrums, to resistance, to emotional outbursts.

Given the intense nature of the alpha child, it is common to hear that they need a “harder hand” or to be “taught a lesson.” If the response to an alpha child is to exploit their dependency, remove things, punish, or lord one’s authority over them, this will do little to court reliance on a parent. At the same time, you cannot give in to unreasonable demands or fail to lead through the storms that occur. The place that one must lead an alpha child from is one of caring dominance where the parent is in charge but the child will not experience their care as adverse or unsafe. It is only through warmth, generosity, and capably setting limits while dealing with upset that will convincingly demonstrate that a parent is their best bet.

RECLAIMING LEADERSHIP

There are three things we can do to give our kids an invitation for relationship that they cannot refuse.

Reassert your caretaking stance

One of the most important strategies for managing an alpha child is to lead from one’s own alpha (read: caring and firm) stance. You need to convey to the child at every turn that you can take care of them. Finding the place inside of you that wants to take care of them, seeing yourself as strong and able enough to take care of them is a must. You may not always feel this way but by acting in this role every day, small gains can be made. If a child with a dominance problem recognizes that they can defy and baffle their caretakers, they will not trust in your caretaking. While there will be times a child gets very frustrated because you won’t give in to their demands, the feeling of being too much for their caretakers will only reinforce their alpha stance.

Invite dependence

To invite dependence, a parent must make it safe to be depended upon. When adversarial parental authority is used to control the child by taking things away or denying privileges in order to gain compliance, this will do little to build trust and will only exacerbate a child’s alpha stance. Time-outs and other forms of separation-based discipline can convey to the child the relationship is conditional and based on good behaviour only. A parent must steer through stormy behavior by not using their power to coerce compliance. Sidestepping the battle in the middle of conflict, and talking about the child’s feelings and behaviour after the fact can go a long way to preserving both the dignity of the child and the parent.

Take the lead in activities

An effective strategy with an alpha child is to find windows of opportunity where the child must depend on their adult for care. Taking the child on outings can achieve this. Many alpha children refuse to leave the house simply due to the fact that the request is coming from their adult (over whom the child is “supposed” to have authority) and because their house is also their safe “kingdom.” Despite their protests, getting them out and leading them to a new place in which they must depend on your expertise to navigate can dislodge their alpha stance temporarily.

If we can see the alpha child for what they are—a child who no longer depends on their adults—then we can find our way back to demonstrating we are the security they seek. When an adult regains the lead through caring dominance, the child will rest in thecaretaking offered and be freed of their hunger for connection. •

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages.

*NOTE: This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Summer 2019

Why Kids Don’t Need Attention but an Invitation for Relationship

A parent asked me whether I thought her child just needed more attention from her? Her daughter was anxious, restless, easily frustrated, and prone to resistance. The mother questioned whether a lack of attention was at the root of the issue?

What this mother knew was that she needed to take the lead in finding a way out of the impasse with her daughter. I suggested a different question might be more helping in providing insight. Instead of focusing on the attention she gave her daughter I wondered if she could consider whether her daughter was receptive to a relationship with her and if not, how this could be gained or strengthened?

This caring and responsible mother had no shortage of attention for her daughter – to address when she behaved poorly, to make sure her homework got done, and to get her out of the house each morning. Mom spent a lot of time in battles with her daughter, in dealing with upset siblings, and in trying to find a way to have ‘quality time’ with her. Attention from this mother wasn’t the source of the problem.

Giving kids attention

It turns out that attention is not the place we grow from – it is fleeting and impermanent – a quick fix that diminishes as soon as the focus is no longer on you. What our kids need is something more nourishing that can go the full distance into adulthood. They need an invitation for relationship that dances them to the resting point.

Humans come with an innate drive to seek contact and closeness with others. The late neuroscientist, Jaak Pankseep, called it the ‘seeking instinct’ and said it could be found in all mammal species. The seeking instinct is behind a child’s desire to be close and drives them to hold onto us. Their high need for affiliation isn’t a mistake but part of nature’s plan to keep them close for the purpose of caretaking. The old adage that a child is simply trying to get some attention doesn’t understand this instinctive hunger for connection.

It is natural for a child to demand attention in a myriad of ways from physically clinging to us, emotionally demanding our focus with eruptions, or simply telling us – “I need some Mommy time.” The problem is not with their hunger for connection but rather in how it is fulfilled. Giving a child what they ask for and simply responding to their demands doesn’t help them rest in our care, in fact, in can make them more restless and insatiable. They were not meant to be in charge of commanding our attention but rather taking it for granted.

Debates on the quality vs. quantity of time misses the mark and traps us into conversations about time spent instead of focussing on the invitation given to a child. Relationships cannot be broken down into units of time and seconds. What is missing in these units of measurement is whether we impart a desire to be with a child, a warmth that comes from being together, and a genuine enjoyment that our time is well spent with them.

If our time with a child is based on counting down minutes or moving from one event to the next, then time becomes the unit of measurement instead of the emotions between us. What we need to ask is:

Do we have a desire to understand them, to take their emotional pulse, and to see the world through their eyes?
Do we do more than simply respond to their demands and instead, take the lead in caring for them?
Do we count down the hours we spend with a child or do we consider a deeper question as to whether our child is counting on us?

The invitation for relationship

We cannot release our children from their hunger for relationship by simply responding to their calls for our attention. We need to seize the lead in providing for them, to give more than is being pursued, and to take responsibility for fulfilling their hunger for connection. If they have to work to get our attention, then they cannot rest in it and can become enslaved to the performance required to get it.

When this mother started to understand that giving her daughter attention wasn’t the answer, she found her way to offering her an invitation for something much deeper. She gave her a generous invitation to rest in her care and to be released from the greatest hunger the human heart has. It was an invitation for relationship that her daughter didn’t have to work for, nor be good enough in order to keep. It was an invitation to be heard, to be seen in a vulnerable light, to matter, to be held onto, and to share secrets.

Limits, restrictions, and saying no to her daughter’s requests were also included in this mother’s invitation for relationship. The mother’s generosity went to her daughter’s emotions – for her frustration, resistance, and upset without fixing or changing it. While guidelines for behaviour and treating others were conveyed, there was also room for her daughter to have her feelings about what did not go her way. As her mother became better able to invite her daughter’s upset without getting triggered, as she was more calm in the face of her daughter’s resistance, and conveyed that no behaviour nor emotion could tear the relationship apart – her daughter felt a deeper sense of what it meant to be held onto.

Children don’t just need our attention although this may be part of what we do to convey an invitation for relationship to them. What they need to feel is an invitation to be close even when they have fallen short of our expectations. What they need to see is that our desire to be with them endures, is generous, unwavering, unconditional, personalized, exclusive, and protected from competing attachments.

What do we give our attention to?

Growth in a child is fuelled from a place of rest, that is, when they can take for granted that they don’t have to work at getting an invitation for a relationship with us. We cannot meet their needs if we simply respond to their demands. When you have to work for love, you cannot rest in it as Gordon Neufeld states.

We need to extend a deeper invitation for relationship that stems from that place inside of us that yearns to be the answer to a child’s needs. It means we will need to stretch to be more gracious and forgiving in light of all the things they do not do. It means we will need to be generous in inviting their emotions when we thwart their agendas and take the lead in caring for them. It means that we will need to convey to them that this relationship is for life and is the foundation upon which they can rest.

When we work at giving our kids relational rest then nature will push them to play and grow. They will be free from the deepest hunger that lives inside each of us and one that can only be answered by resting in someone’s invitation for care taking. Love was meant to be a gift that is freely given by people who care for us and this is something that is worth paying attention to.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and resource centre for families.

Dealing with Bullying: What Doesn’t Work and What Will

Bullying ranks high on the list of parenting concerns and for good reason. According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the United States, in any 6-week period, one third of children report being bullied and it is on the rise.

To complicate matters, bullying interventions and programs have failed to produce lasting results and measureable success including zero tolerance policies, empathy training, awareness raising campaigns, to imposing consequences. We are struggling to make headway on bullying but perhaps the answer is right in front of us and is just simply being missed?

One of the most consistent findings when it comes to bullying is the importance of human relationships in dealing with the bully, the bystanders, and their victims. Instead of expecting kids to figure out problems related to bullying, the emphasis is placed on adults in being able to lead kids in finding their way through.

From these findings it would appear the answer to bullying cannot be found in programs or policies but in the adults who step in and assume responsibility to help. Perhaps what every bully, bystander, or the victim needs is an adult they trust and feel cared for by.

How Adult Relationships Help Victims

When kids are hurt they need adults who will care for them. This is true for them physically as it is emotionally. A bully exploits the weakness in others and goes after the most vulnerable victims as their target. The kids who will be the most vulnerable are those who do not have adults to shield their hearts.

The antidote to the wounding words of a bully can be found in the caring connection with adults who convey these sentiments are simply not true. When a child believes they matter to an adult, then the words of others will matter less. As I often say to my daughter, “Don’t take those words into your heart, they are someone else’s hurt and you don’t have to carry that with you.”

What every victim needs is a place of rest, a relationship they feel at home in, and a person they can share their story with. One of the most important things we can do to help victims is to make room for them to express their hurt and fear. As we come alongside all that is unfair and unkind, it will be their tears that provide them with some relief too.

If a child is in harm’s way when it comes to ongoing and persistent bullying, then it will fall to their adults to do whatever is required. It may mean consulting with the school, legal authorities, or moving a child if attempts to make their world safe again cannot be assured. What every victim of bullying needs is an adult to lean on.

How Adult Relationships Help the Bystanders

The biggest fear bystanders have as they watch bullies in action is that they could be next. Even when someone else is being bullied, it creates a sense of unsafety for everyone. Some bystanders cope by making themself invisible, while others stick their necks out into the fray, either joining the bully or defending the victim.

What bystanders need are adults who communicate they are in charge and responsible for what happens in the classroom or at home. When there are problems, these adults need to provide direction, assume control of the things they can control, and provide supervision so kids can feel safe. Bullies are less likely to exploit kids when adults are watching making it an effective relational intervention. The best protection from a bully are adults who convey they are in charge and watching what happens.

How Adult Relationships Help the Bully

Bullies are devoid of genuine remorse, feelings of shame and embarrassment, as well as the capacity for self-reflection on any topic that would make them feel too vulnerable. What a bully lacks is a soft heart due to emotional wounding. The source of wounding is not always obvious but can be related to peer orientation, dominance problems, as well as facing too much separation from their caretakers.

One of the most effective ways to increase the vulnerability of a bully and bring down emotional defenses is through the caring relationship with adults. It will fall to these adults to find a way to cultivate relationships with a bully and invite them to rest in their care. When a bully feels cared for again they can be made fully human and humane. A bully’s heart can only be brought back to life with the caring heart of another human being. Insight from adults is needed to help others understnad that hurt kids are the ones most likely to hurt others.

So many of our approaches to bullying assume the behaviours are learned and can be unlearned through teaching or consequences. If this were true we would be making headway on the bullying problem and we wouldn’t be seeing an escalation of wounding behaviour among our kids. The answers to bullying can be found in understanding human relationships and cultivating strong connections with our kids. The secret to resiliency and recovery is simple, whoever a child gives their heart to has the power to protect it with their own.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Center. For more information www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The Vulnerability Problem of the Bully

Bullies thrive on exploiting the vulnerability in others. Instead of protecting those who are in a weaker position they take advantage of them. They revel in having the upper hand. They don’t play by the rules or believe the rules apply to them. Bullies don’t think twice and lack the capacity for reflection. They are fearless, tearless, immature, and have to get their own way. They do not adapt when they face futility – they cannot hear ‘no’ and accept it. Bullies are dark inside, there is a void where vulnerable feelings are no longer felt.

This costs of bullying to our children, teens, schools, and larger society are staggering. Stuck kids can grow up to be stuck adults. The interventions that have been launched to curb bullying have come up short. Nothing seems to work long term, yet the costs continue to mount.

The bully continues to baffle us. With incredulity one looks one at their acts of cruelty, the ineffectiveness of punishment and consequences, as well as their lack of empathy. They remain a mystery and what drives them remains impervious to change. The challenge is we cannot solve a problem we don’t understand.

The Hardened Heart of the Bully

One of the reasons we cannot make headway on bullying is we fail to make sense of the bully’s vulnerability problem. A bully’s emotional system has become inhibited and they no longer experience a range of vulnerable emotions from sadness to joy (1). They lack empathy, caring, and consideration. Some studies have found bullies even lose the capacity to blush with embarrassment. They don’t show remorse, gratitude, or forgiveness.

The human emotional system is meant to be responsive to one’s environment but if feeling sets someone up to get hurt too much, the brain will naturally start to inhibit the experience of these emotions. Emotions go missing when they would get in the way of surviving a wounding environment. In other words, bullies lack caring because to care sets them up to get hurt too much.

Bullies have hardened hearts. Their brain has moved to defend them from seeing their own vulnerability. This renders them devoid of caring and responsibility. They are numbed out, tuned out, and in some cases, detach altogether from human relationships. Bullies are deeply wounded individuals which is ironic considering the wounding they create in others.

All the time we treat bullying as something that has been learned, we miss the emotional piece that underlies it. Bullies are in a flight from vulnerability and cannot tolerate anything that would signify weakness in them. They project onto others what they are most defended against in themself. Bullies are psychologically very fragile. The problem is their lack of vulernability does not draw out the caring in others. Their inhumane acts often draw the bully out in us.

The reason for the emotional defenses in a bully can be many, from feeling too much separation from the adults that they are attached too or feeling too much shame or a sense of unsafety. Separation can be experienced either emotionally or physically, but can include when a parent does not have the heart of their child or that child has to work for parental love and approval. When a child feels there is something wrong with who they are, often as a result of repeated messages by attachment figures or peers, it can create havoc with a child’s emotional system. There are many reasons for hardened hearts but what is clear is that their ‘caring’ has gone missing.

Problems with Bully Programs

There are a number of problems with bully programs today. The challenges largely stem from not understanding the root of the vulnerability problem of the bully. While good intentions may drive the following interventions, they can exacerbate the bully dynamics and increase the chance of wounding towards others.

A focus on what happens between kids – A popular intervention when bullying has taken place is to have children share their experiences with each other, highlighting how they have been hurt. Well intended as this approach is, it is aimed at using emotional honestly as a tool for change. The problem is that bullies do not have soft hearts and are likely to use what other children say against that child to hurt them. If the modus operandi of the bully is to exploit vulnerability, this type of approach places another child front and center for being attacked as a result of revealing how they were hurt.

Zero tolerance policies – The problem with this approach is that we have to wait until there is a victim before we deal with a bullying problem. The signs of a hardened heart and lack of emotional expression are evident and can be used as a cue to which children need help before someone is bullied. Zero tolerance policies also move the bully along and while certain kids may no longer be in danger of getting hurt, the bully has not changed and will continue to wound others. You can move a bully but this does not mean you have ‘changed their bully ways.’

Consequences and punishment – While consequences and punishment need to be part of many settings such as schools and workplaces, they are largely ineffective in changing the bully. Consequences teach when someone can face futility and emotional vulnerability is restored. One needs to feel sad about what does not work in order to learn what does work. Bullies don’t feel sadness given their muted emotional system – consequences and punishment are rendered impotent against this problem as a result.

Sensitivity or empathy training – The idea that we can teach a bully to have a soft heart fails to understand how the emotional system works. Emotions are meant to be felt vulnerably and move someone to care, to caution, to be considerate, and to have courage. You cannot make someone learn emotions, you can only help them feel them. When you try to teach a bully to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings and to respond with empathy, you can actually make them more effective at exploiting people emotionally.

How to Soften a Hard Heart?

If being too hurt is the problem for the bully, then caring for them is surely the answer. The challenge is that bullies are so wounding towards others that they draw little compassion out of others to care for them. The good news is that every bully can be made human again but the answer lies in bringing the emotional system back online and resuscitating it.

The focus will need to be on building a caring relationship with the bully. This is easier when the bully is a child or a teenager and requires at least one caring adult who is willing to try and forge a strong connection with them. The adult will need to invite the child to depend on them, to take the lead in caring for them, and convey that they can handle the child. When issues arise it will require being firm on behaviour but being easy on the relationship. Bullies are brought into relationship with others through a strong caring stance.

Emotional defences in the bully can be softened when right relationships are achieved and will require leading them to more vulnerable feelings, shielding their emotional system from further wounding, and reducing harm wherever possible. The softening of hard hearts takes patience, time, and good care taking.

When a child lacks emotional vulnerability then the adults in their life can move proactively to prevent further wounding to others. This means good supervision and the implementation of structure and ritual to guide their behaviour and keep them out of harms way.

We would prefer to think that the bully is someone that exists outside and is separate from us. The problem is that the bully can emerge from each and every human being. When the heart goes cold and when our caring feelings go missing, it is then we become inhuman and can act inhumane. It is the lack of vulnerability that is at the root of the bullies problem, and is indeed a problem for us all. The challenge is how to keep our hearts soft in a world that seems too much to bear at times.

(1) For more information on Making Sense of Bullying, please see the course with this name available through the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and Director of the Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Morning Mayhem: Getting Out the Door with Kids

If there was one common experience in parenting it would be the morning dance of the frazzled parent and the child moving at a snail’s pace. It seems the more urgent a parent is with their request to hurry, the slower a child’s feet and hands are inclined to get dressed, eat, and even walk. Some kids even pull out the full stop and fall down, going ‘boneless.’

One day I looked at my daughter shuffling her feet to the car and I couldn’t help but think that if there was a chocolate waiting in her seat, she would be running at light speed. Even getting her out of the car could elicit the same resistant response. With eyes closed she told me one day, “I can’t get out of my seat, I’m sleeping.”

If there was one thing that makes the morning a mess it would be the resistance of a child and a parent’s fervent persistence to get them to hurry. The nagging, yelling, bribe wielding, consequence driven madness of a parent desperate to get out of the house can leave everyone on the edge. I am sure if cortisol swabs were taken, stress hormones would be significantly higher in everyone, including the pets.

Is there an easier way to surviving the morning routine? The good news is yes, but it won’t be without an adult seizing the lead and figuring out where the impasse comes from and how to steer through it.

Some things to consider …

Parents have agendas and kids often have completely different ones. While a parent needs to get to work or a child to school – that child may not want to go to school. Sometimes they are avoiding getting ready because they are they having a hard time separating from a parent, they might just want to play and not work, or they are fighting with a friend and want to avoid the turmoil altogether. When you can make sense of what is underneath their resistance and help them through it, things may naturally start to go a little smoother in the morning.
Parents can’t lead kids who do not follow them – and not just in the morning. If is generally difficult to get a child to attend to the rules, to do as requested, or to take their cues from adults then the issue may not a ‘morning’ one but a relationship one. A child who is not attached to a parent or has moved into a position of dominance over them (coined as an ‘alpha child,’ by Gordon Neufeld), is often to difficult to lead and mornings can be a struggle. Alpha kids are often bossy, commanding, or can feign helplessness in order to orchestrate their parent’s actions. They are allergic to being told what to do leading to morning battles and the escalation of yelling and threats by their parents. For more information on the alpha problem see Chapter 5 in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers or the Alpha Children Course through the Neufeld Institute. Until the relationship problem has been addressed, a child will not readily follow their adult’s wishes in the morning.

Humans are hardwired with a natural instinct to resist when feeling coerced. The harder someone pushes their agenda on us, the more likely the counterwill instinct will be activated leading to a push back on their agenda. Young children, starting around 2 ½ years, can grow increasingly resistant to being hurried or moved along. The more their ‘own mind’ starts to develop, the more ideas they have about what they would like to do and when. A child’s agenda at this age often conflicts with the wishes of their adults but is indicative that healthy development is underway. The only thing that makes a child want to do as told, follow the rules, or make things work for their parent, is by being actively attached to the adult who is giving them the orders.

Three Strategies to Quell Morning Mayhem

Orient them– Talking to kids the night before and filling them in on what will happen the following day can help ease into the morning routine. Kids typically love to be told “the plan for the day” and it can help orient them as much as draw off their resistance. A child’s reaction to the plan can alert a parent to the parts they find hard or are not in favour of.
Solicit good intentions – When you tell a child the plan for the next day you can follow this up by soliciting their good intentions. This means specifically asking them, “can I count on you get dressed, to come for breakfast, and to do your part to make tomorrow morning work?” If there is resistance to the plan, it will likely appear at this time giving a parent an opportunity to address it. By soliciting a child’s good intentions you are trying to enlist cooperation and to get them onside in making things work, while leaving some room to figure out where there might be challenges to this. When or if they start to resist the plan the following morning, the parent can remind them of their discussion and their commitment, while also acknowledging that we all have good intentions that are sometimes hard to realize.

Collect and engage the attachment instincts- When a child is attached to a parent it should provoke instincts to follow, obey, want to please, measure up, and take their cues from them. Kids, especially young ones, will struggle to listen to people who have not collected their attachment instincts first. Collecting a child means finding your way to their side, trying to engage their eyes, and feel a sense of warmth or connection between you. After a child has been asleep or playing, their attachment instincts may not be directed at the parent and engaged. If a parent tries to give the child orders, they will be met with resistance because the counterwill instinct will be stronger than their attachment instinct. Collecting a child means warming up the relationship in the morning by reading to them, cuddling, or taking time to chat. One father used to wake up and collect his kids by giving them a math question!

The good news is that when a morning has slid sideways, there is still plenty of opportunity to do it better – tomorrow is indeed a new day. In fact, some off our best parenting moments come from realizing when something isn’t working and needs to change. Sometimes it is us who needs to change and sometimes we need to work on others to change. What is for sure is that if anyone can change the trajectory and tone of a morning – it is the parent. This is not usually done in the heat of the moment but upon reflection in the guilt ridden remainder of the day following the frazzled morning.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

5 Things Parents Say to Kids That Can Turn the Tables on Their Relationship

There are few parents who haven’t struggled to know what to say or do in light of their child’s behaviour. Sometimes they say things to a child that they later regret or sometimes they think what they are saying is helpful. Based on my conversations with parents, I have pulled together the top 5 statements that adults say to kids that can turn the tables on a healthy relationship with them. While they may make sense to adults, they often don’t to kids.

If there were one thing that mattered most in parenting it would be to convey to our kids that we know how to care for them. Their need for connection and attachment is what nourishes the roots from which their psychological growth occurs. It isn’t about parenting perfection but about the consistency of care, the generosity to connect with them, and how they come to take for granted we are there for them.

When it comes to preserving and protecting our caretaking role, the following five phrases can backfire. While many of these are in popular usage, they don’t seem to be well thought out in terms of the impact on the adult/child relationship. A consistent and steady diet of these phrases could court a child to take the lead in their relationship with adults and press down on emotions that are critical to their development.

There are likely few parents who have not said at least one of these following phrases to their kids. One-off statements are less of a problem than in repeatedly hearing the same sentiment from a parent. Repeated exposure is more likely to become internalized and create emotional issues. These phrases may also be more provocative for a more sensitive child because of their acute attention to matters of attachment and vulnerability. The good news is when we can make sense of how a child might perceive our words, we can make different choices in how we communicate with them.

“I don’t know what to do with you.”

Sometimes we really don’t know what to do with a child. We are baffled, overwhelmed, frustrated or confused and these words just seem to slip out echoing our discombobulated internal world. The question is what does a child hear when we make this statement?

This statement is a declaration of our incompetence as parents. It is like being at work and telling your boss you don’t have a clue what you are doing. Why would we ever do this intentionally? It is the surest way to be fired from a job or ensure that someone starts bossing us around on how to do our job.

Perhaps this statement is a ploy to get the child in line and to get them to act in a certain way, or perhaps it is a way to alarm them and scare them straight. Whatever the reason, it can convey to a child that a parent is overwhelmed and that the child is “too much” to care for.

If a parent declares their incompetence consistently enough, then a child’s brain will not stand idly by – it will move to fill in the caretaking gap that has opened up. The child can start to boss the parent around and command them on how to care for them. A child could also become a little mother hen and take care of their parent, making sure they don’t upset them or get out of line. Either way, the child is not resting in the care of their adult and the tables have been turned when it comes to the caretaking relationship. For more on alpha problems please read Who’s In Charge? Reclaiming the Lead.

“You hurt my feelings”

Kids are still trying to figure out their feelings without having the added pressure of taking on the emotional needs of their adults too. The role of a parent is to care for the child’s feelings and not the other way around. Kid’s need to figure out their own feelings first, then they will be able to understand the feelings of others, and how they effect other people.

Somehow we have been led to believe that our children need to learn about feelings by watching adults have them. While it is true that it is helpful to see others feel sad, scared, happy, and joyful in order to normalize them, this is not the same as sharing our feelings with our kids – especially the ones concerning them! The biggest source of alarm to a child is when their relationship with an attachment figure isn’t working the way they would like it to. When we tell our kids our feelings about taking care of them, these statements can quickly backfire. It is another form of – ‘you are too much for me,” “You are too hard to care for,” or “look at how you made me feel.”

Adults are meant to hide their feelings when it comes to caring for their kids – from their frustration to one’s fantasies about running away and never coming back. We weren’t meant to place our feelings on a child’s shoulder. We don’t need to overload them emotionally with how they are effecting us as parents either. While it is natural we would have feelings, this should never be seen as taking away from the strong caretaking they can expect from us. If my kids see me crying, I tell them I will be okay, I thank them for their hugs and concern, and just continue onward in caring about them. To encourage a child to assume responsibility for a parent’s feelings is to turn the tables on their relationship.

“How can I help you feel loved by me?”

A parent asked me about this statement at a presentation I was giving on attachment. She wanted to know if there was some value in asking her child this in the hopes it would foster a stronger connection with them. While I truly understood the good intentions behind this statement – the desire to show a child that they are loved – I was very concerned how this statement could tip the relational tables between a parent and child.

As a parent we are a provider and caretaker to a child. This involves reading the needs of the child, watching and considering what works and what doesn’t, and caring enough to pay attention so as to make sense of who a child is. Adults are meant to be the expert on a child so when we ask them, “how can I help you feel loved” – I wonder if they look at us as if to say – “you haven’t figured out how to love me yet?”

When we ask a child this question we also lose the element of surprise that is so nourishing in being loved by someone. We lose the chance to get there first without being told how to love someone. We run the risk of turning a child into a consultant when it comes to love instead of assuming our caretaking stance that conveys we have it all covered.

We cannot invite a child to rest in our care when we have to consult them on how we should be taking care of them. They cannot truly feel loved if they have to give us directions on how to do this. This question makes a mockery of the best an adult has to offer a child and the caretaking position we were meant to assume. Love is arrogant in the best way possible.

“I don’t want to be around you when you act like this.”

I understand the place from which this statement is uttered – from sheer frustration and overwhelm in having to deal with a child’s upset, actions, and emotions. This is the sound of a parent who longs for the mayhem to stop and for order to be reestablished. What does a child hear when this statement is made?

What a child hears is that relationship is conditional upon behaviour. What they may feel is that an adult doesn’t want to be near them when their actions are too much or too hard to handle. What they see is how a parent is stretched to their limits, what they understand are the limits to their parent’s relationship with them. What they may feel is alarm about their relationship with their parent and how their actions can reduce contact with someone they wish to be close too.

Sometimes we need to convey to a child that our relationship is bigger than their behaviour. Sometimes we need to let them know that despite their actions not being okay, that our relationship still is. This will test the maturity level in a parent and their capacity to not let their frustration lead interactions with a child. We will need to find another way to lead through the impasse.

What our kids need to know is we are hanging onto our relationship with them across conduct and performance. We will need a strong relationship with them in order to lead them to more civilized ways of expressing and conducting themselves.

“What is the matter with you?”

I imagine a number of parents have thought “what is the matter with this kid” in the heat of the moment. Our inside voice is one thing but there can be problems when we start to verbalize these sentiments out loud. Why? Because it is shaming and can convey we think there is something wrong with a child, rather than something wrong with what they are doing. Kids don’t often differentiate between their actions from from who we think they are.

A child can internalize repeated messages that there is something wrong with them especially if said by people they are attached to. From “you are too sensitive” to “you are so mean,” it can leave a child with a sense that they are not okay. Instead of feeling an invitation to exist from people around them, they can feel pressure to change what they express and how they act so that others will accept them. Shame lingers and these messages can be replayed over and over again. Shame alters the invitation we expect from others when it comes to connection.

What to Say Instead …

What could we say instead of these five phrases? There are many things but the most important issue would be not to parent from a place of overwhelm, frustration, and confusion. We need to speak in a way that ensures our caretaking comes through to our kids. This is how we communicate we are their best bet, we have their backs, we know how to care for them – through the storms and good times – and that they are not to much for us.

Invariably, you will be thinking – but what do I say instead? I will highlight some phrases that I think are helpful but I first have to say how I really dislike putting word’s into someone’s mouth. Why is this so?

Because they are my words and not a parents.
Because they come from my head and not the one who is leading the child.
Because they are so devoid of understanding of the context in which someone is caring for a child and with this, can’t help but miss the mark.
Because a parent will think the ‘magic’ to parenting is in their words and not in the relationship they cultivate with their child.
Because I believe that when parents reflect on what they say and choose to do something differently, the learning is theirs forever as well as the confidence that they really are their kid’s best bet.

So, with all these caveats in mind, I will list some of my favourite phrases because my clients still tell me this is helpful in trying some new things on for size. I also find these helpful when faced with my own parenting challenges too.

“This (e.g., throwing trains to name calling) isn’t okay. I can see you are upset, we will talk about it later and I am going to hold onto the train for now.”
“I can’t let you do that. We are going to do something different.”
“I see you are having trouble, I am here to help with this.”
“Yes, I know you don’t like me being the boss of you sometimes. We still need to get this done.”
“No, I won’t be changing my mind. I understand you are going to still be upset with my answer and we will get through this too.”
“Yes, I am having a hard time right now but this is not for you to worry about. I will take care of this.”
“This isn’t working and something needs to change.”
“I know what you need, this is what Mommy’s and Daddy’s are for.”

So much of parenting is about hiding our needs from our kids and ensuring they don’t bear the weight of our emotional world. We don’t want to push our unfiltered feelings and thoughts onto them and yet we will need to make room for the feelings that our kids stir up in us. Hopefully we have an adult relationship that can bear the weight of our emotional world – a friend, a partner, a spouse.

When we focus on our words and their impact on our caretaking relationship we can find a better way through. Attachment is a two way street, we can never forget this. We need our kids to fall into attachment with us – our love for them alone is not enough.

Deborah MacNamara is in private practice, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com.

Helping Sensitive Children Flourish

Approximately 1 in 5 children are more affected or stirred up by their environment and stand out in comparison to their peers. They are the kids who get more easily overwhelmed, alarmed, intense, sensitive, prickly in their responses, and passionate in temperament. According to Thomas Boyce at the University of California, these ‘orchid’ children are neurobiologically distinct and possess an enhanced receptivity to their environment based on genotypical differences. [i] They are more highly tuned into their environment unlike ‘dandelion’ children who are less aware and are more easy going in comparison.

Sensitive kids show greater receptivity and an enhanced capacity to take in their environment through the senses. It is comparable to radio antennas that are tuned for maximum receptivity so as to avoid missing any signals. While the type and level of receptivity differs in each child, they will show heightened sensory responses in visual, auditory, touch, taste, smell, kinesthetic/proprioceptor, emotional/perceptual areas. The possible combinations are endless and each child will have a continuum of receptivity when it comes to each sense.

Orchid children may complain the tags in their clothes are too itchy, sounds are too loud, smells are too strong, or some foods taste so bad it feels it burns their tongue. They are also more likely to suffer allergies and skin problems. It can be difficult to get their attention because they are bombarded by sensory information and are overwhelmed. They also seem to posses a natural brightness in comparison because of their enhanced receptivity to information and stimulation. Adults might see them as being overly dramatic or reactive but they are only being true to the enormous world that exists inside of them.

The neurobiological differences in orchid children make them more sensitive to child rearing practices – they will either wither or thrive. [ii] When they are raised in stressful environments they are greatly impacted unlike dandelion counterparts who fare much better. They are more likely to suffer from mental health issues, addictions, and delinquency as a result of such conditions. However, when orchid children are raised under ideal conditions with the presence of caring adults, their development can surpass their dandelion counterparts. “An orchid child becomes a flower of unusual delicacy and beauty.”[iii] Despite neurobiological differences and heightened reactivity in sensitive children, it is the relational environment they grow in that makes the difference developmentally.

What challenges are commonly faced when raising sensitive kids?

There are a number of challenges in raising sensitive children given they are so receptive to sensory information. They are significantly different than their easy going counterparts and require special attention by caretakers. Parents of sensitive children will tell me it can be difficult to have a child that appears to be so reactive in comparison to others. They often internalize their child’s behaviour believing it is their fault rather than making sense of how easily their child is stirred up by their environment. Parents of sensitive children have a hard time describing the differences they see in their child to other adults. Parents are often judged as being too overprotective and are likely to be misunderstood. It is fortunate for many orchid children that one or both of their parents may be sensitive too, aiding them in making sense of their child.

The more sensitive the child, the more easily they are stirred up.
Given the heightened receptivity of the orchid child, it should come at no surprise they can be easily overwhelmed and overstimulated by their environment. This is especially true in the early years when their brains are immature and more susceptible to being overloaded with sensory information. Their world can often feel too much for them with perfect storms arising from being tired, hungry, and frustrated all at the same time. This can lead to upset and outbursts, prickly or resistant behaviour.

Under ideal circumstances, it should take the average child 5 to 7 years for their brain to fully integrate the sensory information they receive with increasing speed and efficiency. Once brain integration is achieved, the child should start to show signs of impulse control, tempering in their emotional responses, and an appreciation for context. Orchid children may need more time with brain development by up 1 to 2 years, depending on their sensitivity levels and environment.[iv]

This potential delay in brain development has implications for schooling as impulse control and tempered emotional responses will arrive later in comparison to their dandelion counterparts. While they can be intellectually robust at the age of 6, their behaviour may seem immature with outbursts, upset, and a lack of self-control still present. Given a sensitive child’s enhanced receptivity to external stimuli, the prefrontal areas of their brain need more time to wire up neural pathways to handle the additional sensory information. In the meantime, they are at greater risk of being diagnosed with attention or behavioural problems instead of the late bloomers they actually are.

The more sensitive the child, the more easily overwhelmed by experience.
One of the common mistakes made with sensitive children is to give them more sensory information than they can handle because of their natural brightness. More is not better for an orchid child and is likely to trigger defenses to shut out sensory information. Sensitive children don’t need to be exposed to more stimulation, rather; they need more time and space to process it. Opportunities to play are some of the best ways to provide this space to a young sensitive child and creative solitude as they get older. The old adage, “a little goes a long way,” fits well with the sensitive child and their surroundings.

Sensitive children can become overwhelmed by emotional material as well. Feelings are vulnerable territory for most people but more so for the orchid child. Emotional experiences involving fear, caring, enjoyment, frustration, guilt, shame, loneliness, and rejection can lead to heightened responses. In young sensitive children separation can be particularly challenging for them with big outbursts ensuing. Temper tantrums can take on a life of their own with an increased intensity and length of time required for the expression of frustration and aggression. At the same time, their strong desires and caring can set them up for tremendous disappointment. They often imagine far more than they can ever actualize and become easily frustrated by their human imperfections. Their feelings can be big, overwhelming, and out of control – this is why they need strong caretakers who can help them move through these storms.

With time and good development, the sensitive child can form a relationship with their big internal world leading to tempering in their emotional responses. Until then, it will be the responsibility of their adults to ensure their tears still flow, they can express what bothers them, and they have a soft place to land when the world feels too much.

The more sensitive the child, the greater the need for strong, caring, adult attachments.
A strong attachment to a caring adult provides rest and reprieve in a world that feels too much for the sensitive child. The challenge is they often feel they are too much to handle, too big in their responses, and easily overwhelm their caretakers. It is critical for caretakers to respond in ways that conveys they can take care of them, handle their behaviour and emotions, as well as ensure separation is not used as a consequence or punishment.

Sensitive children need strong alpha, caring adults to tether themselves to for security and leadership. The adult may have to work harder to gain their trust as they are typically perceptive and can read false presentations well. There must a generous invitation for relationship characterized by warmth, enjoyment, and delight. Adults need to invite the child to depend on them and not be displaced from their caretaking role. Caretakers will need to take up a strong position in orienting the child to their environment, explaining what they have trouble understanding, and introducing them to people who will assume responsibility for them such as teachers, coaches, dentists, or doctors.

How can we give sensitive kids the best environment to grow up in?

While it is true all children need safe and secure environments to grow in, it is critical in deciding whether an orchid child will thrive or wither. The following strategies will help create healthy contexts and relationships benefiting all children but in particular sensitive kids.

1. Protect them from experiences that are too much.
When environments, relationships, and experiences are too much for a sensitive child, their caretakers need to read the situation and protect them accordingly. For example, a parent may sign a young child up for a music class only to experience them running for the door each time the noise starts. The child may find visual or auditory stimuli overwhelming and as a result, need to spend shorter times in these environments, if at all. It is important for the adult read what a child is capable of, even in small doses, and not shelter them altogether. Pushing them beyond their limits typically leads to the sensitive child either shutting down or exploding with upset.

2. Lead the child into vulnerable territory.
Sensitive children are known for their avoidance of emotional content that is too upsetting or alarming. They may shy away from sad stories in books and get scared watching children’s TV shows. Parents need to walk them gently in these directions when you need to, not pushing but inviting them to express what is going on for them. They may try to deflect attention from these feelings so reading the cues as to what is most difficult helps the adult understand what stirs them up most of all. When upsets happen in their life, they may need a cooling off period to reduce the intensity of the experience. After such time they will be better able to talk about what stirred them up but it will likely require an adult leading them there. Acknowledging their big feelings, naming them, and normalizing them helps them to form a better relationship with an internal world that often feels too big.

3. Bridge all separation and problem behaviour
When proceeding with discussions about behaviour, it is best to deal with it outside the incident, in the context of a warm relationship, and to touch the issue gently. When you convey what didn’t work, make sure to communicate the relationship is still okay. Make it easy for them to hear your words of guidance and keep your relationship strong. Incidents are best deferred to when intense feelings have subsided. In the heat of the moment you can simply inform them “the behaviour isn’t okay and you will talk to them later about it.” They may tell you, “I don’t want to talk about it,” to which you will let them know you will make it easy, quick, and as pain free as possible but sometimes things need to be said and dealt with.

4. Help them find their tears when needed
At the heart of resiliency in all children is the capacity to have their tears about all the things they cannot change or do not go their way. Sensitive children often have big expectations and plans that are not always realized. They may want good experiences to continue indefinitely, to be perfect and avoid failure, or to change someone’s mind when they don’t agree. The things they cannot change will frustrate them greatly with big eruptions ensuing, especially in the early years. When the intensity of these emotions is drained through their eruptions, holding them in their frustration until they can cry is helpful. In these soft, vulnerable tears are the seeds of resiliency in realizing they can survive when life doesn’t go their way. In order to help them shed these tears they will need strong, caring adults who are not afraid of their child’s big feelings. If a sensitive child’s tears disappear, a host of behaviour and learning challenges can be left in their wake. Restoring emotional vulnerability is the best avenue for bringing the child to rest again and resolving these issues.

While every child is born with differences in their inherent makeup, the reassuring answer is adults in their life are key in creating the conditions for growth. The needs of the sensitive child sheds light on the importance of adult attachments that is true for all children. If we can make sense of sensitive kids, we can help them flourish and express the wonderful potentials that exist inside of them. As caretakers of our children we have the power within us to significantly alter the trajectory of their development.

References

[i] Boyce, T. (2014). Orchid children and the science of kindness. Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education, Vancouver, BC. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mSrc0GFpJw

[ii] Ellis, B.J., Boyce, W. T. (2005). Biologial sensitivity to context: Empirical explorations of an evolutionaly-developmental theory. Development and Psychopathology. V. 17,(2), pp. 303-328.

[iii] Same as above

[iv] Neufeld, G. (2013). Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids. Neufeld Institute Vancouver, BC, Canada. www.neufeldinstitute.com.

Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara

Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counsellor and educator, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and author of Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She has more than 25 years experience working with children, youth, and adults and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, childcare providers, educators, and mental health professionals. Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information.

Who Will Take Care of the Bully?

Lucy was the name of my bully in grade 6. At the age of 11 her mother had died suddenly from a cancer leaving behind 4 children and a husband. Lucy didn’t get mean right away; she seemed lost and sad at first. I remember my teacher telling us we should show her compassion and we did, for awhile. It’s hard to say when her transformation occurred but her sadness gave way to a cold and hardened deamenour around the time her father remarried. We all understood on some level that you couldn’t go through something like that and stay the same person, but I wasn’t prepared for the bully she became.

Lucy seemed to take great pleasure in trying to make me feel invisible and in sending a message that I was unimportant. She worked hard at school, not on academics but on alienating me. While I remember being sad about it, I just moved on, avoided her, and played with other people. I remember feeling sorry for my friends who followed her, like sheep to the slaughter.

It was only when Lucy started the rumours that I got really upset. My friend Natalie would rush to tell me, with flushed face and rapid speech, the latest ‘secret’. I quickly realized it was just Lucy using Natalie to get to me. At some point I had enough of her hurtful words and in exasperation I reached for the only desperate solution I could think of. I told Natalie that if Lucy continued to spread rumours, I was going “to wait for her after school and we would fight it out.” As I saw Natalie’s naïve but kind brown eyes widen I decided to emphasize my message. “I don’t care if I get in trouble, I am going to beat her up so she learns her lesson.” What I didn’t tell Natalie was that I was terrified of getting in trouble, of getting hurt, and of hurting Lucy, but I just couldn’t see any other way through. One day later Natalie found me, tense with the weighty burden of being a peacemaker, and said, “Lucy doesn’t want to fight you. Will you still beat her up if she stops?” Shocked, I managed to assert, “okay,” and a sense of relief overwhelmed me.

When I was 11, there were no anti-bully campaigns, counsellors to talk to or a zero tolerance policy at my school. I am not sure how these would have influenced my decision-making or helped. What my 11-year old self believed was that if I had gone to an adult for help they would have made me a bigger victim. My mother would have been up at the school demanding action and calling Lucy’s father. While today I understand these actions as a parent, I intuitively knew at 11 years of age that the last thing you did in front of a bully was show vulnerability. If Lucy saw that my adults needed to rescue me, I would have been subjected to further torment and ridicule.

While I was ‘fortunately successful’ in stopping Lucy from bullying me, I know it didn’t change the bully inside of her. She started bullying another child in the class who was quirky and came from a poor family. What Lucy really needed wasn’t consequences, punishment, empathy lessons, zero-tolerance or me threatening to beat her up. What she needed was to be understood and taken care of. Lucy had faced more separation than she could bear and she was lost. She had a mother that had disappeared unexpectedly, a father who had a new wife, and she was facing her adolescent development without a female guide. These were the separations I knew of, but there could have been more. Was her father available to her or was he lost in his own grief or new wife? Did she move to a new house as a result of her father’s remarriage and away from the home her mother had cared for her in? What became of her brothers and how did they deal with the loss of their mother? Was Lucy bullied at home too? Did she have grandparents or other adults that could hold onto her as she faced all that she had lost? While I don’t know the answers to these questions I do know that the bully she became was created from the seeds of facing too much separation.

What Lucy couldn’t say was that her wounds were too much to bear and her brain had moved to defend her against these vulnerable feelings. There wasn’t anything wrong with her brain but with her world – it had come undone. The firm footing she had grown up on had been torn away overnight. It wasn’t that she wasn’t capable of caring but that if she did, she would have had to face a cascade of emotions flooding and overwhelming her. How could she possibly find all the tears and words for a mother that had been lost, let alone all the changes that had unfolded? On the outside Lucy had a tough, untouchable, cold demeanour as she moved to exploit the vulnerability in others. She used shame, putdowns, and intimidation and took great delight in wounding me. This was not who Lucy was, but who she had become in light of facing too much separation. She had grown dark inside and moved to exploit other’s vulnerability, a projection of all that she could not bear inside herself. Her heart had grown cold and her feelings were numbed out, she was surviving but no longer fully human.

If you were to ask me what I would have wanted for Lucy and I, it would have been for the adults to take the lead while preserving our dignity. I wish they could have seen what was occurring and moved in to take care of us both. Our problem wasn’t for us to figure out and ‘bully’ or ‘victim’ labels would have done little to help. Being called a bully would have only increased Lucy’s wounding and separation while being labeled a victim would have done little for my self worth. What prevented her words from sticking to me was that I never saw them as personal but more of a reflection as to how she was hurting and that I was her favourite target.

There were many ways adults could have moved to take care of us without our knowledge. From lunch yard supervision to adult lunch dates for Lucy, there was no shortage of ways to intervene naturally. Lucy needed to feel again and when she did, the bully inside of her would have been made human once more. The question was how to protect and shield the kids around Lucy’s wounding ways until this happened. If the adults had eyes to understand her they would have seen her dominance and lack of empathy. Why did there have to be a victim before they could see the bully inside of her? She was free falling but no one knew how to catch her.

When I reflect back on Lucy I no longer want to beat her up, I want to put my arms around her and tell her I am sorry. I am sorry I scared her because I was too frustrated and hurt. I would tell her I hold nothing against her and understand why she was moved to wound others. I would tell her that I am sorry life handed her too much to bear. I would tell her that I hoped someone had taken care of her so she could find her tears and be made fully human again.

Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara

Who’s In Charge? Reclaiming the Lead with an Alpha Child

There is a growing problem among children that is not commonly understood despite being insidious and far-reaching. It serves to make parenting and sometimes teaching a challenge, if not a nightmare. The problem is one of dominance – when the relational dance between an adult and child becomes inverted.(1) The child is attached to the adult but not in the right order or hierarchy. Instead of seeing their adult as the one to lead them, the child is emotionally and instinctively moved to displace their parent’s alpha role. This is not something the child has learned, rather; it is rooted in human instinct and emotion.

The challenge lies in seeing the alpha problem for what it is – a child driven by instincts to avoid the vulnerability of depending on their closest attachments for care taking.(2) They have taken their attachment needs in their own hands.

Alpha children are often described by their adults as bossy, commanding, demanding, and insatiable. Alpha children see themselves as the ones who should call the shots and tell adults how to take care of them. Children who have risen to the alpha position with adults are consistently full of resistance and opposition for those who try and lead them. They are often very frustrated, lashing out often, and can be filled with anxiety. They steadfastly see themselves as the boss of the house and don’t understand when others try and tell them what to do as if they were in charge. The issue for children in the dominant or alpha position is not one of strength as it is often misperceived; rather, one of desperation. For some reason the child has lost faith in their providers to take care of them so their only instinctive recourse is to do it themselves.

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons why children lose faith in their caretakers. It is easy to appreciate how children whose parents are neglectful or consumed with their own pursuits and addictions can convey the message that children would be better off taking care of themselves. If these were the only conditions under which we were seeing an increase in Alpha children then the problem would seem clear cut and obvious enough. Dominance issues are also found in loving and caring homes with parents who are dedicated to helping their children grow up to be socially and emotionally responsible individuals. What is giving rise to the increasing numbers of children in the dominant position and how can we start to make sense out of this?

What is at the Root of Alpha Problems in Children?

In order to make headway we need to go back to the beginning and ask, what does a child need most in life? The answer is attachment, the invitation to exist in another’s presence, to be seen and loved for who one is, and to feel a sense of belonging, loyalty, and similarity to those they are connected to. The critical piece that often gets missed in understanding attachment is that its role is to render a child dependent on those around them. This means being dependent on someone for their care taking and well-being – an incredibly vulnerable position to be in.

As an adult it is easy to lose sight of the vulnerability involved in depending on another but I am reminded of it every time I get into a taxi or an airplane. I find myself questioning whether I can trust this person to safely deliver me to my destination and take good care of me. It gives a whole new appreciation to the phrase “back seat driver.”

When we are dependent on another we scan and look for signs that our trust and care is well placed. Is there something solid in this person that we can lean against and find fertile ground in? We might think we are conveying this message as parents but the question is whether it is believed by our children? Sometimes children are born too sensitive for this world and see and feel too much, making it hard to have them feel someone is indeed big enough and can take care of them.

There are many other reasons why children seek the dominant position in their relationships with adults including adverse experiences with too much separation-based discipline, egalitarian parenting or when parents struggle to find an alpha stance in the home that is both firm and caring. Sometimes it is a tragic accident or a big loss for the child that turns the tables in the home, where the child becomes unsure whether anyone can truly keep them safe. There are many reasons why alpha problems appear and it is found in all types of homes regardless of ethnicity, parental education level, socioeconomic status, and approach to parenting.

When a child feels in charge of orchestrating their care taking the biggest mistake we could make is to confuse this display of strength with maturity or independence. It simply is not so, it is an act of desperation and the need to bring this child to rest in the care of others is great. The critical issue is that when children are in the lead they cannot take care of their attachment needs and also attend to the business of growing up – there is a sacrifice play to be had. Attachment trumps maturation any day and the need to survive and take care of oneself rises to the fore at the expense of rest, play, and further growth.

Restoring the Parenting Lead with An Alpha Child

The good news is there is much that can be done to restore our rightful place with an alpha child. Parenting was never meant to be a nightmare and there is much hope to turn it around when it has become so. Underneath an alpha child’s dominant behaviour is a hidden desperation to depend on someone who will assume responsibility for them. The task is to convincingly demonstrate through an adult’s caring dominance that they are their best bet and indeed the answer they seek. The challenge is to regain the lead in the caretaking dance so the child can be freed from their alpha stance.

The challenge lies in seeing the alpha child for what they are – a child driven by instincts to avoid the vulnerability of depending on their closest attachments for care taking. This is not a learned problem but an instinctual and emotional one. Many people confuse their behavior with independence and leadership rather than understanding the desperation that drives it. Alpha children are trying to take care of themselves and feel safe in the world – a task too big for any child to take on.

The behaviour problems that arise are symptomatic of the underlying issue of being moved to take charge. They can’t be told what to do because they are moved to tell others how to take care of them. They resist control because they must be the one to call the shots. They are frustrated because their relational needs aren’t being met, and they often won’t eat from their caretaker’s hands because that would court dependency on them. If we do not see the root of the problems with the alpha child as an attachment one we will attack the symptoms, often exacerbating the alpha complex.

The only lasting solution that can render an alpha child unstuck is to regain the lead in the parent/child relationship. To do so requires a parent to focus on inviting the child to depend upon them and establishing a caring dominance – in spite of the behaviour problems. An alpha child is a stuck child. Everything works in reverse with their closest attachments bearing the brunt of the worst behavior. Natural parenting instincts no longer guide and work with an alpha child; one is usually baffled to make sense.

Six Steps to Inviting an Alpha Child to Depend

Given the intense resistance and opposition of the alpha child along with frustration and aggression, it is common to hear that the child needs a ‘harder hand’ to teach them a lesson. Alpha problems do not arise from failed lessons but from a lack of reliance on a caretaker. If the response to an alpha child is to exploit their dependency, remove things, punish, lord one’s authority over a child, this will do little to court reliance on a parent. At the same time, you cannot give in to demands or fail to lead through the storms that occur. The place that one must lead an alpha child from is caring dominance – the parent is in charge and the child will not experience their care as adverse and unsafe. It is only through warmth, generosity, and being able to set limits while dealing with upset that will convincingly demonstrate that a parent is their best bet.

Find your alpha stance – One of the biggest strategies for taming an alpha child is to lead from one’s own alpha stance. You need to convey to the child at every turn that you can take care of them. Finding the place inside of you that wants to take care of them, sees yourself as being strong enough, and able to take care of them is a must. You may not always feel this way but putting your best foot forward in this respect is critical. If a child with an alpha complex sees they baffle and defy their caretakers, the trust in their care will not be gained. While there will be times a child gets very frustrated because you won’t give in to their demands, the feeling of being too much or overwhelming for their caretakers will only reinforce their alpha stance.

2. Invite dependence – To invite dependence the parent must make it safe to be depended upon. Adversarial relating only exacerbates a child’s alpha stance. When parental authority is used to control the child by taking things away or denying agreed upon privileges in order to gain compliance, this will do little to build trust. Time outs and other forms of separation based discipline can convey to the child the relationship is conditional and based on good behavior only. A parent must steer through stormy behavior by not using their power in an adverse way or in coercing compliance. A parent must lead through the storm and convey they can handle the child and will find a way through. In the middle of conflict, sidestepping the battle and talking about the child’s feelings and behavior after the fact can go a long way to preserving both the dignity of the child and the parent.

3. Take the lead in activities – An effective strategy with an alpha child is to find windows of opportunity where the child must depend on their adult for care. Leaving the house and taking the child on an outing can achieve this. Many alpha children refuse to go out of the house largely due to the request coming from their adult (putting them in charge) and because their house is also their safe kingdom. Despite their protests, getting them out and leading them to a new place can dislodge their alpha stance temporarily. Activities outside of the house can buy the parent a window of opportunity to get into the lead and demonstrate to the child they can be trusted to take care of them. It is also a great time to capitalize on a child’s need to depend on you for care when they are sick or in trouble. Jumping into a strong care taking mode and helping them get better or find a way through their problems conveys a sense you can be counted upon.

4. Meet their needs instead of demands – One of the challenges with an alpha child is they will make many demands of their caretakers. You cannot take care of a child by meeting their demands because they are still in charge of orchestrating their care taking. What is required is to meet their needs instead of their demands. One strategy to achieve this is to actually trump their requests by giving them more than they ask for. For example, if an alpha children demands a parent dress them by putting on their socks and shoes (despite being able to do it themself), instead of meeting their request and complying, you can trump them and make it your idea in the first place. You could tell the child you were just about to do this for them or how much you love getting them dressed and that everyone just needs to feel taken care of sometimes. When the parent trumps the demand and provides for the underlying need (to be cared for), it communicates to the child that the parent understands them, can take care of them, and can be counted upon. While some parents have a hard time moving to trump their demanding child, it is the one of the best ways through with an alpha child. You cannot meet their demands but must meet their needs and lead.

5. Don’t court alpha battles with a child – Things to avoid with an alpha child include negotiating with them as if they were an equal and consulting with them on matters regarding their care. Sometimes parents ask too many questions related to care taking, e.g., are you hungry, tired, feel like going to the park, instead of reading the child’s needs and providing for them. Leading a child means conveying you know what they need and moving to take care of them from this place. Furthermore, conveying one’s fears or that a child hurts you only reinforces their alpha stance as well.

6. Hide your needs – Hiding one’s needs is critical or the child will read the parental fears or concerns and potentially move them to take charge or care of their parent. If a child moves to take care of a parent then communicating to them that this is not necessary and that it is the parent’s job to take care of them will reinforce the caretaker’s position. While life may be difficult and hard for parents, leaning on other adults and shielding a child from one’s adult-size troubles can protect the parent/child relationship from inverting. It can be challenging to hide one’s emotions and reactions in light of a child’s difficult behaviour. It can be helpful to bear in mind that the child is moved to assert dominance and it is nature’s way to preserve the child when they have lost faith in their provider.

It is also important not to give up hope and be consumed with guilt and grief about where things have come to with one’s child. The way through is to live and breathe each step forward with the alpha child as if you were their answer. It may mean that you have to discover the alpha parent in you. It may also mean that you have to lean heavily into your love for the child and form strong intentions to turn things around. It will mean you will need to believe in yourself as the answer to your child and lead them to seeing you as their best bet. It will require searching for answers to making headway inside oneself with insight and understanding guiding you.

If we can see the alpha child for what they are, we can better demonstrate to them we are the answer they seek. When an adult regains the lead through caring dominance, the child will rest in the caretaking offered and be freed of their hunger for connection.

References

Gordon Neufeld, Alpha Children: Reclaiming Our Rightful Place in Their Lives, course (Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, 2013), http://neufeldinstitute.org/course/alpha-children/.
The construct of the ‘Alpha child’ and hierarchical attachment is part of Gordon Neufeld’s unique theoretical work and contribution to developmental and relational science. For more information please go to the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org or see Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate’s book – Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents need to Matter More than Peers.

Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara

Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counsellor and educator, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and author of Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She has more than 25 years experience working with children, youth, and adults and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, childcare providers, educators, and mental health professionals. Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information.

When Telling the Truth is a Bad Idea

Emotional honesty is a great concept – in relation to adults that is. Some parenting experts advocate being honest with our children and communicating our emotions with them. Sharing our adult feelings with our children is thought to be a means of teaching them how to be emotionally sensitive and aware, goals that most parents would agree on. The problem is not with the goal but how we go about it.

If you put yourself in a child’s place and look at emotional honesty, the problems become apparent. If the child sees you as being mad at them, they may define their relationship with you on the basis of this emotion (especially young children). They may come to see themselves as bad or that something is wrong with them. If a parent is scared, this only serves to increase their anxiety and alarm. Parents are a child’s anchor to life, their home base, and if you are shaken then their world becomes less safe and the child all the more anxious. I remember Dr. Neufeld telling how he was consulted helping children face the aftermath of 911. His advice was to shield them from it and convey a sense they were safe and that you believed nothing like this would ever happen to them.

The big problem with emotional honesty is that it treats children as if they were adults. This does not work for them because of their need for strong and secure attachments. A child’s attachment to us is supposed to render them dependent, that is how we essentially have any power to parent or teach them. When you start talking to them as if they were an adult in terms of emotional honesty then this does not support a dependent relationship. In fact, this approach contributes to children assuming an alpha position and thinking they have to take the lead in taking care of themselves. Children who assume the alpha role don’t feel at rest, are highly alarmed, and difficult to parent.

So what is a parent to do when a child is angry, sad, disappointed or scared? Whatever we are feeling, the most important thing we want to convey is that our relationship is intact, we are still their parent, our love hasn’t changed, and we aren’t going anywhere. We might say we are having a hard time if this is obvious to the child but affirm that things will work out and that we will get through it. The principle is that we don’t want them to feel alarmed because the relationship isn’t intact or is threatened.

So what do we say when we are faced with questions about death and dying – how honest should we be? Again the principle is the same – affirm the connection and bridge any distance they might be feeling. For example, we can say, “I will always be your Mother/Father”, “I am not planning on going anywhere”. When our tenant’s dog died my eldest daughter was full of questions about where the dog went. We talked our memories of him and the pictures we had. We agreed that when we wanted to remember him he was only a picture away or that we could send a little message up to heaven and he would hear it. To reveal to her at age 4 the existential realities of human existence would be too much and render her insecure in the provision of my care.

When my daughters are mature enough we will deal with these questions together, but for now, I shield them from the insecurity that abounds. For now emotional honesty for the sake of teaching emotions and in learning to ‘face the harsh realities of life’ does not give them the safe base they need to mature and develop.

Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.

Who’s in Charge Here, Anyway? Why Dominant children need parents to Lead

A LOSS OF LEADERSHIP

Our love of independence

Offering too many choices

Too much separation

Alarm-based parenting

THE MARKS OF A LEADER

RECLAIMING LEADERSHIP

Reassert your caretaking stance

Invite dependence

Take the lead in activities

Why Kids Don’t Need Attention but an Invitation for Relationship

Giving kids attention

The invitation for relationship

What do we give our attention to?

Dealing with Bullying: What Doesn’t Work and What Will

The Vulnerability Problem of the Bully

Morning Mayhem: Getting Out the Door with Kids

5 Things Parents Say to Kids That Can Turn the Tables on Their Relationship

Helping Sensitive Children Flourish

Who Will Take Care of the Bully?

Who’s In Charge? Reclaiming the Lead with an Alpha Child

When Telling the Truth is a Bad Idea

Dr. Deborah MacNamara

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