Who’s in Charge Here, Anyway?
Bossy, commanding, demanding, insatiable, frustrated, restless, and resistant are just a few of the words used to describe the behaviour of children who act like…
Portfolio Categories: Alpha
Why Kids Don’t Need Attention but an Invitation
A parent asked me whether I thought her child just needed more attention from her? Her daughter was anxious, restless, easily frustrated, and prone to…
Dealing with Bullying: What Doesn’t Work and What Will
Bullying ranks high on the list of parenting concerns and for good reason. According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the United States,…
The Vulnerability Problem of the Bully
Bullies thrive on exploiting the vulnerability in others. Instead of protecting those who are in a weaker position they take advantage of them. They revel…
Morning Mayhem: Getting Out the Door with Kids
If there was one common experience in parenting it would be the morning dance of the frazzled parent and the child moving at a snail’s…
5 Things Parents Say to Kids That Can Turn the Tables on Their Relationship
There are few parents who haven’t struggled to know what to say or do in light of their child’s behaviour. Sometimes they say things to…
Helping Sensitive Children Flourish
Approximately 1 in 5 children are more affected or stirred up by their environment and stand out in comparison to their peers. They are the…
Who Will Take Care of the Bully?
Lucy was the name of my bully in grade 6. At the age of 11 her mother had died suddenly from a cancer leaving behind…
Who’s In Charge? Reclaiming the Lead with an Alpha Child
There is a growing problem among children that is not commonly understood despite being insidious and far-reaching. It serves to make parenting and sometimes teaching…
When Telling the Truth is a Bad Idea
Emotional honesty is a great concept – in relation to adults that is. Some parenting experts advocate being honest with our children and communicating our…
The big problem with emotional honesty is that it treats children as if they were adults. This does not work for them because of their need for strong and secure attachments. A child's attachment to us is supposed to render them dependent, that is how we essentially have any power to parent or teach them. When you start talking to them as if they were an adult in terms of emotional honesty then this does not support a dependent relationship. In fact, this approach contributes to children assuming an alpha position and thinking they have to take the lead in taking care of themselves. Children who assume the alpha role don't feel at rest, are highly alarmed, and difficult to parent.
So what is a parent to do when a child is angry, sad, disappointed or scared? Whatever we are feeling, the most important thing we want to convey is that our relationship is intact, we are still their parent, our love hasn't changed, and we aren't going anywhere. We might say we are having a hard time if this is obvious to the child but affirm that things will work out and that we will get through it. The principle is that we don't want them to feel alarmed because the relationship isn't intact or is threatened.
So what do we say when we are faced with questions about death and dying - how honest should we be? Again the principle is the same - affirm the connection and bridge any distance they might be feeling. For example, we can say, "I will always be your Mother/Father", "I am not planning on going anywhere". When our tenant's dog died my eldest daughter was full of questions about where the dog went. We talked our memories of him and the pictures we had. We agreed that when we wanted to remember him he was only a picture away or that we could send a little message up to heaven and he would hear it. To reveal to her at age 4 the existential realities of human existence would be too much and render her insecure in the provision of my care.
When my daughters are mature enough we will deal with these questions together, but for now, I shield them from the insecurity that abounds. For now emotional honesty for the sake of teaching emotions and in learning to 'face the harsh realities of life' does not give them the safe base they need to mature and develop.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid's Best Bet - Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.wpengine.com or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information. 
