When Push Comes to Shove: The Answer to Children’s Aggression
Aggressive behaviour in children can be alarming. Hitting, screaming and yelling, fighting with others, and even eye rolling are emotionally charged actions that can leave parents at a loss for how to respond.
Getting to the root of aggression is key to helping your child navigate their feelings and develop self-control. If we focus only on our child’s aggressive behaviour and lack insight into what drives it then we may view our child as mean-spirited, entitled, spoiled, inconsiderate, or in need of retaliatory “tough love”. We may be provoked to respond with threats, punishments, and even physical force, which exacerbates the problem and does little to help our child mature emotionally. In short, it is hard to change a child’s behaviour when you don’t grasp what fuels it. By understanding aggression and the role it plays in human nature, adults are in a better position to help change the behaviour at a root level. The good news is there a lot we can do to support a child in developing self-control over their big emotions.
IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL
As a parent, you’ve likely experienced how a child’s emotions can change seemingly without warning—from happy and content to screaming and stomping at some perceived wrong. This lack of tempering and self-control in children isn’t personal but developmental. A very young child may promise they won’t hit again only to turn around and strike someone minutes later. When asked why they didn’t stop hitting they might say, “I forgot.” And as frustrating as that statement can be, in that moment, they are likely being truthful, as a child can only keep one thought or feeling in their head at a time. By the age of seven, kids who are maturing well have developed the cognitive capacity to better manage their emotions.
Too often we take our children’s emotions personally instead of seeing them as a means of communication. When we shift our perspective on aggression, we are more likely to gain insight into the emotions that are driving the child and focus on helping them develop emotional maturity. Our children’s emotions are the way their brain moves them to solve problems, and they are hard-wired to demand expression.
FRUSTRATION CUES, AGGRESSION ANSWERS
Many people assume that aggression is the result of anger. However, there is a more fundamental emotion that fuels aggression: frustration. Frustration is the emotion that moves us to seek change—whether to make something happen or to make something stop happening. When it collides head-on with the realization that there are certain things we just can’t have or are unable to change, frustration is compounded, sometimes giving way to aggressive behaviours. The job of parents is to help little ones navigate their frustration by finding words for it or alternate forms of expression that don’t hurt others.
Rather than just focusing on getting a child to stop the behaviour, the trick to dealing with aggression is to focus on the feeling behind the action. Frustration in the child is where we need to pay attention and recognize what we may have missed, like a child who is tired or hungry. A child’s frustrated actions are a call to us to take the lead and change what isn’t working, rather than just engaging in a head-to-head battle. Sometimes it’s as simple as providing a snack or instigating naptime, but there are also times when we can’t change what isn’t working and need strategies to help them accept the limits and boundaries that come with life.
Lead through the storm
Understandably, children aren’t always eager to accept our limits and restrictions; in fact, they are well known for pushing back against them. Part of the challenge in dealing with children’s frustration is not letting our own frustration at their actions make matters worse. When we punish or administer consequences, we effectively fuel their frustration which often leads to an escalation of attacking behaviour. I once overheard a mother punish her child because he didn’t follow her by taking away his screen time. Not only did he still not follow, but he hit her and the escalation of aggression between them grew. Instead of meeting the child where he was and working through his perceived defiance, the mother’s emotions led them into a dangerous spiral. As tough as it is, we need to try and stay out of the aggression whirlpool and plant ourselves firmly in the ground of the relationship.
In the key of empathy
In difficult moments, it can feel daunting to be patient in the face of a child’s frustration, let alone aggression. It can be helpful to focus on frustration and to come alongside their emotions, from the unpleasantness of the decision you have made—whether it’s having to follow along in a boring grocery store, or not getting another cookie, not being able to stay up late, or not attending a much-desired event. Granting a child the time and space to grasp and realize that life is full of disappointments and helping them acknowledge that it feels bad is time well spent. If the child is moved to tears, then the frustration is shifted to sadness, and away from hurting others.
Preserve your relationship
What happens when the opportunity to calmly commiserate or wipe away tears of disappointment has passed? When a child isn’t ready to give up what they want, their frustration can be outright foul. Hostile behaviour, throwing, biting, screaming, head-banging, fits of rage, and verbal insults can result as that venting ramps up into aggression.
One of the most important things we can do when a child is lashing out in frustration is aim to preserve our relationship with them, especially since a lack of connection in such times can make aggression worse. This means leading through the impasse by being patient, yet firm, and possibly changing the circumstances around the child, such as removing items that can be thrown, and taking other children out of harm’s way. It is especially helpful to stop what we are doing and give a child our full attention without giving in to our own frustration.
Gently reminding a child that frustration needs to be expressed through words that aren’t hurtful is an important strategy. Similarly, preserve their dignity by avoiding statements like, “You are so mean!” or “Why do you hurt people?” These succeed only in shaming the child and suggests there is something wrong with them for having the emotion of frustration. By coming alongside the child and acknowledging that they are having a hard time, you help reduce the aggression and keep the relationship healthy.
Handling an aggressive situation when your own reserves are drained can be hard to do, not just for you, but also for your child. In a worst-case-scenario where patience is stretched to its thinnest, aim for doing no harm to the relationship before you attempt to quell the storm. To keep everyone’s dignity intact, it’s okay to wait until emotions have discharged before talking to your child about what was driving them and what your expectations are.
We all know (or have been parented by) parents who dismiss, suppress, or debase their children’s feelings. While in the short run it might produce a docile child, muzzling the emotions can lead to problems with emotional and behavioural combustion down the road. Rather than using logic to convince feelings to go away or denying the realness and legitimacy of emotions, children need the opportunity to express, recognize, and mature into their feelings. The real answer to aggression is supporting a child’s healthy emotional development and to grow within them the ability to control, reflect on, and find civil ways to deal with their big emotions. •
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.
This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Winter 2019
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What Young Kids Wished You Understood About Them
Parents are routinely confused when their preschooler (aged 2 to 5) promises they won’t hit or scream only to turn around and hit or scream again. Part of the problem is young children don’t think twice nor contemplate the consequences of their actions in the heat of the moment. I can assure you this is not part of a secret plot to drive parents crazy and it isn’t personal either. Preschoolers know much better than they can behave and are impulsive by design.
The parts of the brain responsible for self-control are still under development in young children. The brain is only 20% developed at birth and will ideally become more integrated in the first 6 years of life. In other words, the brain is still forming connections that will allow for the various parts of the brain to communicate with one another. Once the brain is integrated and the prefrontal cortex is connected across the left and right hemispheres, preschoolers will be better equipped to control their strong emotions and actions.
I remember a distraught father asking me, “when will my 3-year old learn to stop hitting her brother?” This wasn’t about learning but the requirements for brain development. I explained that his daughter was like a fast car that didn’t have any brakes. She could speed up and head in different directions (and crash), if she didn’t have an adult close by to help guide her. When the prefrontal area of her brain became better developed, she would naturally be able to apply her internal brakes to temper behaviour.
Given that preschoolers can only focus on one thing at a time, when they get caught up in the moment, their adult’s instructions can be eclipsed by what is in front of them. You can call them to come for dinner but their attention is elsewhere making it hard to collect their attention. When preschoolers zero in on something, they can ‘forget’ what they were doing a moment before – including parental directions. They don’t have a back of the mind or conscience that creates internal conflict and yells, “hey stop!!” or “pay attention,” which is why they are so impulsive.
What every parent wants to know is at what age can they expect a preschooler to become more tempered and able to control their actions? Based on the work of the developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, the phrase the “5 to 7 year shift” was coined to refer to the age when a preschooler’s brain should be able to mix conflicting feelings and thoughts. It is the conflict among two opposing feelings or thoughts that puts the brakes on impulsive reactions.
When a child starts to experience internal conflict, their frustration will be tempered with caring, their fear with desire, and they will be able to consider someone else’s needs along with their own. You can witness this conflict first hand as they may shake and shudder but not erupt in the same uncivilized fashion. It is the capacity to experience mixed feelings that puts a standstill to the most impulsive ways of the preschooler. They will be able to think before they speak, and even keep a secret, as well as tell a real lie.
Attachment-Safe, Discipline Strategies for Preschoolers
What every toddler, preschooler, and kindergartener would really like their adults to know is they really do look up to the people they are attached to and generally want to meet their expectations. At the same time, they live in the moment and parental directions can easily get lost when their attention is grabbed by something else. They would like their parents not to hold it against them that they are impulsive and instinctive beings who act upon the impulses and emotions as they arise inside of them.
The following five strategies for discipline with preschoolers are attachment safe and developmentally friendly, buying time for the young child to grow up.
- Collect before you direct – Before directing a child on what you want them to do, it is helpful to engage their desire to follow you through engaging their attachment instincts. This means getting in their face in a friendly way and trying to collect their eyes or ears, for example, noticing and talking to them about what they are engaged in. It is this gentle, yet effective way of commanding their attention and making them receptive to direction that avoids a lot of the challenges associated with ‘not listening,’ and resistance.
- Structure and routine – Having predictable routines and an order to the day helps orient young kids to what is expected without having to ‘boss them around.’ Songs can be used to signal when it is time to clean up as well as when it is time to getting pyjamas on or teeth brushed. Routines help to compensate for the lack of awareness preschoolers have as to the bigger context and can help orchestrate their behaviour in an attachment safe and developmentally friendly way.
- Solicit good intentions – One of the best discipline approaches with young kids involves getting ahead of things they will struggle with, for example, not wanting to hold hands on an outing or sharing toys with others. Instead of waiting for trouble to start, it can be helpful to solicit their good intentions before heading out. After collecting them, you can ask, “Can I count on you to hold hands when we go out?” to which they will give an honest reply. If they say yes, it can be enough to remind them when you are on the outing, that they promised to hold hands. If the child says no, then you can simply help them see why it is important to hold hands to elicit cooperation. When we work ahead of problems and get a young child onside, it can prevent dealing with big reactions and upset in the moment.
- Avoid time outs and other forms of separation based discipline – We need to preserve the desire in our preschooler to follow and obey us and this means not using what they care about against them. Separation is the most impactful of all experiences and time outs to 123 magic type approaches do more harm than good when it comes to our relationship with them. Part of being able to work with a young child and capture their attention so as to direct them, relies on keeping one’s relationship strong.
- Teach a language of the heart – One of the ways a young child needs help is in matching their emotions to feeling words. When they can their words to describe their internal states, for example, “I am frustrated,” then they will be less inclined to use their bodies or screams to communicate their needs. If we want a young child to express themself in a civilized way, then we need to start by giving them some words to use.
Preschoolers represent the wonder and beauty inherent in human development. They evolve from impulsive beings into civilized ones in a matter of years. Parents have an important role to play and this involves compensating for their immaturity, directing them towards civilized ways of expressing themself, and continuing to care for them throughout. When we do our part, then nature will surely do the rest and help us grow our kids up.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.
What Do Your New Year’s Intentions Reveal About You?
Love them or hate them, forming new year’s intentions are part of many people’s ritual in leaving one year behind and making way for a new one. The question is, based on developmental science, is forming intentions a helpful thing to do?
‘Intention’ is defined as something we aim towards and are determined to bring about. Our intentions reveal what we hope to accomplish, how we choose to steer forward, and indicate how we will spend our energy and time.
Intentions, as opposed to ‘resolutions’ are important because they reveal something about us. They speak to our desires, hopes, and values. Most importantly, our intentions reveal what we care about and are a direct line to matters of the heart. Overall they signify that we have a heart that feels and a mind that can put words to inner yearnings.
Intentions are about hope, one of the most vulnerable human emotions of all. Why? Because what we hope for reveals our deepest desires. Hope is the path we create that will take us from where we are and towards fulfillment. In voicing our desires, we face loss as we recognize we’re not where we want to be.
What intentions reveal is the soft heart that lies underneath them. Soft hearts are the place from which all things can be nurtured and grown. Intentions reveal one’s vulnerability as a human being.
Our intentions make us unique and separate from others. It is critical that they emerge from within us and are shaped on the heels of our desires. Intentions cannot be gleaned from someone else’s lists, instructions, scripts, mantras, directions, or suggestions. The very nature of an intention is that they must be formed by us. Intentions are personal and reveal the person within.
As we steer towards our intentions we will likely feel conflict and experience the impediments that lay in our path. Mixed emotions may rise to meet us – from desire to frustration, from alarm to caring, from sadness to hope. These emotions will create inner conflict and turmoil, a state we often try to run from instead of make room for. What we fail to realize is that our intentions are meant to steer us to this place of tension, where we must grab the steering wheel in our own life and find a way to emerge, perhaps with tears as part of the process.
What developmental science tells us is that the self is born through intentions. What we aim for serves to define us. When we ask our kids, “Can I count on you to use your words next time you are frustrated?” we are inviting them to get their hands on the steering wheel of their own emotions.
What intentions reveal is a self that is sophisticated enough that it can assume responsibility for one’s life and can aim in a direction of one’s choosing. When we can form our own intentions’, we are never lost because our inner voice is there to guide us forward.
Intentions are not about outcomes — they are a celebration of human vibrancy and vitality. Having our own intentions is how we can avoid getting caught up or worried about how we measure up or compare to others. Intentions are a celebration of our uniqueness and separateness – the antidote in a world full of copycats, and being among those who lack integrity and authenticity.
If we want our children to be internally motivated and to become their own separate person we must start with their intentions. We must court their meanings, motives, purpose, desires, and yearnings. We must encourage them to take the steering wheel in their own life and to chart a course forward, despite apprehension or fear, and by being fuelled by their desire and caring. While parents must give children a relational base to grow from, kids must also come to know their own worth through their hands, tears, and desires.
Intentions must also be tempered with the knowledge of life’s futility. Our desires often exceed our human capability and we can see much farther than we often achieve. Pursuits must be tempered with knowing that things don’t always work out and that we don’t always control everything. But the good news is that it is not the outcome that defines us most of all but the striving and willingness to pursue something that has meaning to us. Without movement, we are inert, stuck – we are not fully alive.
While intentions are highly personalized, there are a few strategies that can help harness the developmental power they create.
- Protect against and resist the urge to adopt someone else’s mantras, instructions, and motives. Invite your children to tell you about their meanings and desires and listen to the ones that exist inside of you.
- Make room for the expression of intentions whether that is through quiet time, artistic expression, music, to movement. Do whatever it is that allows you to listen in to yourself and create spaces for your children to hear themself, which is often achieved through play.
- Consider how your intentions are reflection of your desires and what you are attached to. As you put words to your yearnings consider what they say about you and reflect about your own meanings and motives.
- Listen for the emotions that will be stirred up in the wake of aiming towards your intentions and make room for them. Remember that intentions are meant to drive you to this place, do not run from it but sit in the middle of the tension between where you are and what you desire.
- Make intentions part of an ongoing ritual of your own choosing. Some people meditate in the morning while others find different spaces and places to listen in and reflect on their intentions. It is only important that we find space for reflection, and not that it take a certain form or expression.
We must yearn in the direction of our choosing to give birth to internal motivation and striving. Intentions are the expressions of the self in its creation. If someone asks us at the end of the day – “did you live well?” – I hope we can answer from that place inside of us where our intentions are born and say, “yes I did – and I did it my way.”
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.