Why Kids Don’t Need Attention but an Invitation for Relationship

A parent asked me whether I thought her child just needed more attention from her? Her daughter was anxious, restless, easily frustrated, and prone to resistance. The mother questioned whether a lack of attention was at the root of the issue?

What this mother knew was that she needed to take the lead in finding a way out of the impasse with her daughter. I suggested a different question might be more helping in providing insight. Instead of focusing on the attention she gave her daughter I wondered if she could consider whether her daughter was receptive to a relationship with her and if not, how this could be gained or strengthened?

This caring and responsible mother had no shortage of attention for her daughter – to address when she behaved poorly, to make sure her homework got done, and to get her out of the house each morning. Mom spent a lot of time in battles with her daughter, in dealing with upset siblings, and in trying to find a way to have ‘quality time’ with her. Attention from this mother wasn’t the source of the problem.

Giving kids attention

It turns out that attention is not the place we grow from – it is fleeting and impermanent – a quick fix that diminishes as soon as the focus is no longer on you. What our kids need is something more nourishing that can go the full distance into adulthood. They need an invitation for relationship that dances them to the resting point.

Humans come with an innate drive to seek contact and closeness with others. The late neuroscientist, Jaak Pankseep, called it the ‘seeking instinct’ and said it could be found in all mammal species. The seeking instinct is behind a child’s desire to be close and drives them to hold onto us. Their high need for affiliation isn’t a mistake but part of nature’s plan to keep them close for the purpose of caretaking. The old adage that a child is simply trying to get some attention doesn’t understand this instinctive hunger for connection.

It is natural for a child to demand attention in a myriad of ways from physically clinging to us, emotionally demanding our focus with eruptions, or simply telling us – “I need some Mommy time.” The problem is not with their hunger for connection but rather in how it is fulfilled. Giving a child what they ask for and simply responding to their demands doesn’t help them rest in our care, in fact, in can make them more restless and insatiable. They were not meant to be in charge of commanding our attention but rather taking it for granted.

Debates on the quality vs. quantity of time misses the mark and traps us into conversations about time spent instead of focussing on the invitation given to a child. Relationships cannot be broken down into units of time and seconds. What is missing in these units of measurement is whether we impart a desire to be with a child, a warmth that comes from being together, and a genuine enjoyment that our time is well spent with them.

If our time with a child is based on counting down minutes or moving from one event to the next, then time becomes the unit of measurement instead of the emotions between us. What we need to ask is:

Do we have a desire to understand them, to take their emotional pulse, and to see the world through their eyes?
Do we do more than simply respond to their demands and instead, take the lead in caring for them?
Do we count down the hours we spend with a child or do we consider a deeper question as to whether our child is counting on us?

The invitation for relationship

We cannot release our children from their hunger for relationship by simply responding to their calls for our attention. We need to seize the lead in providing for them, to give more than is being pursued, and to take responsibility for fulfilling their hunger for connection. If they have to work to get our attention, then they cannot rest in it and can become enslaved to the performance required to get it.

When this mother started to understand that giving her daughter attention wasn’t the answer, she found her way to offering her an invitation for something much deeper. She gave her a generous invitation to rest in her care and to be released from the greatest hunger the human heart has. It was an invitation for relationship that her daughter didn’t have to work for, nor be good enough in order to keep. It was an invitation to be heard, to be seen in a vulnerable light, to matter, to be held onto, and to share secrets.

Limits, restrictions, and saying no to her daughter’s requests were also included in this mother’s invitation for relationship. The mother’s generosity went to her daughter’s emotions – for her frustration, resistance, and upset without fixing or changing it. While guidelines for behaviour and treating others were conveyed, there was also room for her daughter to have her feelings about what did not go her way. As her mother became better able to invite her daughter’s upset without getting triggered, as she was more calm in the face of her daughter’s resistance, and conveyed that no behaviour nor emotion could tear the relationship apart – her daughter felt a deeper sense of what it meant to be held onto.

Children don’t just need our attention although this may be part of what we do to convey an invitation for relationship to them. What they need to feel is an invitation to be close even when they have fallen short of our expectations. What they need to see is that our desire to be with them endures, is generous, unwavering, unconditional, personalized, exclusive, and protected from competing attachments.

What do we give our attention to?

Growth in a child is fuelled from a place of rest, that is, when they can take for granted that they don’t have to work at getting an invitation for a relationship with us. We cannot meet their needs if we simply respond to their demands. When you have to work for love, you cannot rest in it as Gordon Neufeld states.

We need to extend a deeper invitation for relationship that stems from that place inside of us that yearns to be the answer to a child’s needs. It means we will need to stretch to be more gracious and forgiving in light of all the things they do not do. It means we will need to be generous in inviting their emotions when we thwart their agendas and take the lead in caring for them. It means that we will need to convey to them that this relationship is for life and is the foundation upon which they can rest.

When we work at giving our kids relational rest then nature will push them to play and grow. They will be free from the deepest hunger that lives inside each of us and one that can only be answered by resting in someone’s invitation for care taking. Love was meant to be a gift that is freely given by people who care for us and this is something that is worth paying attention to.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and resource centre for families.

Why Children Need to Give their Hearts to Parents

My 5-year old nephew is in love. He walks around his house and finds each family member and grabs their head firmly in his hands, places his forehead on theirs, and declares, “we’re married.” He singled out his father for a more formal marriage proposal accompanied with heartfelt proclamations of affection. The dog was also happy with her marriage vows but who wouldn’t be delighted to watch a child fall in love for the first time?

The capacity to feel deep caring and to express warmth and sentimentality is a sign that a child has developed the capacity for emotional intimacy. It usually arrives between the ages of 4 and 5 if all is unfolding well developmentally. It means for the first time they can experience a sense of vulnerability at the heart level, in other words, it is a sign that the relationship is deepening.

As a parent I used to think that what mattered most was how much I loved my kids. While our love is important, attachment is a two way street and we cannot be empowered in our role without our children giving their hearts to us. It begs the question – what comes with a child’s heart that allows us to do our job as parents?

Why love matters

Attaching through deep love is an important milestone in becoming a relational being. We are not born with the ability to relate to others in a responsible and caring way and this is something that must be grown from within us. Becoming a relational being can only grown by first being invited into relationship with at least one adult in their life who cares for them. In other words, we need to lead our children in attaching to us – we can’t leave it up to chance.

How do we invite our children to give their hearts to us? By giving them more contact and closeness than they desire and a sense of belonging and loyalty. We need to convey that they matter and are significant to us by engaging fully with them and caring for them in unexpected ways. We cannot expect a child to fall deeply into attachment unless we have been generous in our care taking and have read their needs and responded.

When a child gives us their heart for safe keeping, there is a greater sense of trust, of closeness in the relationship, and it paves the way for secrets to be shared. Our relationship becomes a wonderful template on which they can judge other relationships. The writer Johann Goethe once said that a person sees in the world that which they carry in their heart. When children come to expect emotional intimacy in their relationships and understand how nourishing it can be, they will be less likely to accept cheap substitutes as adults.

When a child gives their heart to us, they can better hold onto us when apart. Children don’t need to practice separating from us, they just need to be more deeply attached so they can withstand the distance between us. Missing is part of what comes with deep attachment, that is, we only miss the people we care for. Our children can venture forth and discover, play, imagine, and learn, when they are sure there is always a person to return home to. A child is not at home with us unless they have given us their heart.

When the attachment roots go deep there is a secure base to lean on and draw strength from. Kids who have given their hearts to their parents are shielded from the toxic peer wounding that is part of school interactions today – what their parents think about them matter more than any words from another child. Kids who are deeply attached are more resilient and withstand adversity and bounce back quicker. When they are tethered to adults, their feet are on solid ground no matter what storms they encounter in their life.

How a child’s love empowers a parent

When a child has given their heart to a parent they will be more likely to listen and attend to what is said. Children don’t listen because they are told they have to but because they want to follow the people they are attached to.

A child who is deeply connected will look up to their adults, like them, seek their help, and want to be with them. Children don’t seek help from someone because they are told to but because they believe that person has their best interests at heart.

Children will also work to try and please the people they are deeply attached to by helping out and by wanting to measure up to expectations for behaviour and values. As Gordon Neufeld states, it isn’t our love for a child that empowers us in our role as parents, rather, it is their love for us.

How to hold onto their hearts

When we understand the importance of having a child’s heart in being able to care for them, the question remains as to how we can preserve and protect our relationship with them?

Part of the answer lies in avoiding separation that is wounding to our relationship – like the use of discipline that divides like time outs, threats, or punitive consequences. It also means protecting our relationship from being lost to competing attachments like peers or digital devices. While friends are great to be with, they are not the answer to a child’s attachment needs. A child needs to feel anchored to an adult that is hanging on to them

Why is our love necessary to raise a child?

If it is a child’s love for us that empowers us as parents, then why is it important for us to love our kids? If you consider all that comes with parenting – like sacrifice, frustration, alarming feelings, the need for patience, consideration, forgiveness, and compassion – it starts to become a lot clearer. Our love for a child is what makes all of this possible. It is love for our children that holds the power to transform us into the parents we need to become. Parenting can be hard, love is what makes it possible to endure and to grow.

If there were a secret to parenting it would be this, that not only do our children need to give their hearts to us, but we need to our hearts over to the role of being the answer to their hunger for connection. Like a beautiful dance, parent and child relationships were meant to deepen, become exclusive and personalized, and leave everlasting fingerprints on each other’s hearts.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

Three Irreducible Needs That All Kids Need to Thrive

Raffi Cavoukian , a children’s singer, songwriter, and child advocate, wrote a song titled – All I really need – which beautifully captures from a child’s perspective their most essential needs. Raffi sings, “All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family.” Every time I listen to this song I hear an unspoken message directed at adults as to what our children really need in order to thrive.

Developmental science is also clear on the three irreducible needs of kids – the need for play, tears, and relationship. These three things are critical ingredients in helping kids grow to become socially and emotionally responsible individuals capable of setting their own goals, adapting to their environment and being resilient in the face or adversity, and feeling empathy for others. This is what maturity should look like but without the right conditions, this growth cannot be assured.

We all know people who look like grown ups but behave like preschoolers. There is a difference between being young at heart and being immature – such as blaming others for one’s problems, having a hard time not getting their way, demanding and commanding others as to how to take care of them, and behaving impulsively. How do we explain this lack of maturity? When there are deficits in a child’s environment in providing for their irreducible needs, then development can be impacted and maturity hampered.

The Irreducible Need for True Play

Play is the birthplace of personhood. It is where a child gets their hands on the steering wheel of their own life and experiments under the direction of their body, heart, and mind. Kids need a place that is free of consequences in order to practice and explore.

Humans come with an innate desire to make sense of things, to pursue goals, and to discover who they are. We cannot force a child to play or do it for them, it is an instinct that drives them to emerge as their own person that can only be unlocked in play. As any three year old will declare while in the process of figuring things out – “I do it myself!”

We don’t have to teach our kids how to play – it is innate. Our job is to create the space for them to play that is contained, safe from emotional wounding, and allows for the freedom of movement and expression. In other words, playgrounds often have gates and fences around them leaving kids free to explore the space that is within.

Some kids are drawn to movement and to use their bodies to jump, climb, dance, or run. Others like to explore and examine, while some like to take items in their world and design something new. Each child has a particular bent for expressing their internal world, it is our job to facilitate the expression of it by creating spaces where this can be unleashed.

What gets in the way of children’s play? One of the main challenges to play is the push towards academics, particularly in the early years. The trend towards early instruction and schooling is alarming and unfounded based on decades of research in developmental science. For example, in my community there are children showing up in kindergarten unable to play, that is, they look at their teacher and say they don’t know how when told it is time to. Upon closer examination, their preschool years have been full of instruction, schooling, and structured activities. Instead of hearing parents sound alarm bells about the loss of play (the teacher did!), there was a sense of pride that a child could read or do math at an early age. Earlier is not better – not according to science. We can train and make kids work and perform at early ages but at what cost to their development? What happens when kids are made to work instead of play?

Play affords a child a safe space for emotional expression and this is critical to well-being and maturity. Kids go through many types of emotions in play, acting out their feelings in the safety of pretend and make believe. When play isn’t ‘for real,’ then the consequences of emotional expression are minimized and offer them the freedom to release whatever is stirring them up. The loss of play has been correlated in research with increasing rates of attention, anxiety, depression, and aggression in kids. Play preserves children emotionally.

The problem is we don’t value play the same way we do work and outcomes. Play is viewed as something kids do in their spare time and even this has become endangered. Children’s time is increasingly filled with screens, structured activities, and instruction. While screens have become easy targets in bemoaning the loss of play, research suggests that one of the biggest losses in kid’s time is due to the increased amount of time they spend shopping – a 168% rise over a 15 year period.

Without play our children cannot grow. There are no shortcuts here, no substitutes, and no pill that can serve as a substitute for what play provides. Parents need to be a gatekeeper to the things that erode time and space for play. Children need to have a song in their heart as Raffi says, because this is the sound of play inside of a child that is seeking expression in the world around them.

The Irreducible Need for Tears

Humans are born with the inherent capacity to be adaptable and resilient. We should be able to thrive despite adversity, to handle not getting our way, survive lack and loss, and be transformed in the process. This is the potential that exists in each of us and it will only be realized when we have a relationship with tears and sadness.

The capacity to feel sad is one of the best indicators of emotional health in a child. When vulnerable feelings can be expressed it indicates that a child’s environment is helping to preserve or protect a child’s heart. Emotions are what drive a child to mature when they care about others and themselves, care about learning, care about their behaviour and how they act, and care enough to face their fears.

Tears signify loss and separation from something we desire or when we are up against the things we cannot change. When it registers in the brain that something is futile – it cannot be or cannot change – then there is an emotional download and sadness is the end result. It is here, in this place where we have to let go of our agenda and feel the upset around it, that we are changed by the emotional shift. When it vulnerably registers that we can’t always get what we want, it will also resonate that we can also handle adversity. Tears are not something to be feared but something to be embraced in the process of learning.

What gets in the way of supporting kid’s from expressing sadness or in crying? Sometimes adults are too impatient, busy, or frustrated which leaves little patience and room for a child’s emotional needs. Sometimes the messages we send kids is that we value happiness and ‘positive feelings’ more and suggest that sadness or upset is not welcome or warranted. Phrases such as, “turn that frown upsidedown,” or “you are not filling someone’s bucket today,” can put the focus on people pleasing instead of emotional integrity. We cannot tell our children to be honest, speak their mind, and tell us their secrets, while at the same time tell them to change or deny what they are feeling because it doesn’t serve them or us.

Many parents tell me that when they were a child they were not raised being able to cry or express sadness when things didn’t work out. They often feel that because they were not supported this way, they are therefore unable to support their own kids too. But the capacity to help someone when they feel sad or upset is not something you need to learn, rather, it is something we already know how to answer with comfort, contact, and closeness. We just need to show up and be present when our kids need to feel vulnerably and express what they are going through.

You don’t have to agree with a child’s thoughts or actions in order to help them find their tears either. We can come alongside their emotions and make room for their expression without condoning that immature behaviour is okay. We can acknowledge that something is frustrating for them and welcome the tears that need to drain the frustration that is built up. Saying no is part of an adult’s role in a child’s life – and so is helping them find their tears when they can’t change the no’s that are there.

If a child can no longer say they are sad, upset, or lose the capacity to cry, it will be the adults in their life that will need to consider how to lead a child back to a place where they can feel vulnerably. When caring feelings go missing, it can be for many reasons including inhibition by the brain in order to preserve emotional well-being. If caring about something hurts too much, the brain simply responds by inhibiting the experience of caring feelings. Sometimes hearts can harden but there is much adults can do to help them thaw.

The Irreducible Need for Relationship

Children cannot thrive without relationships. They need relationships with adults who generously invite them to be in their presence, who display an unwavering capacity to hold onto them despite conduct and performance – while at the same time, lead the child to behave in ways that are civil, mature, and emotionally responsible towards others.

While I was at a hockey game the other night, I watched a father and his 7-year old son interact as they sat in front of me. It was clear his son was excited to be at the hockey game as well as impatient in only being able to move within the narrow confines of his chair. I watched the boy move around in his seat and buzz with energy as he watched the game, engaged with his Dad, and playfully interacted with his friend. I watched as his father gave him some space to express his energy until it crossed a line where it became too much and annoying to others around him – like when he started to kick the chair in front of him. The father leaned down, brought his head to his son’s ear and gave him direction, “I need you to stop kicking the chair and to sit in your seat for 10 more minutes.” The effect was immediate but what was remarkable was the warm yet firm way the father dealt with his son. It was clear to me his son was moved to obey his father not out of fear but respect – this is relationship at it’s finest.

What healthy relationships deliver to children is the ability to rest and trust in the care of an adult to lead them. A child’s immaturity means they will behave poorly at times and express themselves inappropriately. What kids need is to lean on adults who can lead them through these impasses while preserving their relationship. It is a child’s dependency on an adult that facilitates their growth towards independence. In other words, unless you are rooted relationally, you cannot stretch and grow towards your own human potential.

There are many ways we can facilitate healthy relationships with our kids including:

Engage them in conversation and listen with full attention
Do things together that bring out your enjoyment in being with them
Remember what is important to them and surprise them with your knowledge
Get there first when it comes to meeting their needs, that is, come before they call you for another kiss goodnight or be ready to feed them before they get ‘hangry’
When they are not behaving well, convey what isn’t okay while also conveying that your relationship still is
Don’t be afraid to lead them and call the shots when appropriate, inviting tears when needed

What Raffi seems to get so clearly in his song, All I really need, is how adults are partners in playing midwife to a child’s maturity. Kids have songs in their hearts because they should be instinctively moved to play. They need food in their bellies and love in their families which is about their hunger for attachment and to be cared for. Add in some tears and the capacity to feel sad and you have the three irreducible needs that all children require based on decades of cultural wisdom and developmental science. Simple? Yes – but these three things require a great deal of time, energy, commitment, and patience on the part of adults.

If you take the long view on human development you quickly realize there is no pill that can substitute for maturity. Nature has a plan to grow our kids up and of we do our job then we can trust in nature to do the rest. We need to play midwife to the potential for maturity that lies within each of our children.

How to Cultivate Gratitude in Kids

Words matter, and so do the feelings that fuel them.

We can teach a child to say ‘thank you’ and cue them when they need to say it, but this doesn’t mean they feel gratitude. Words of appreciation that are said without caring are usually done for performance reasons – it pleases the adults in their life, or people will think highly of the parent.

The problem is we can train our children to say the right things but this usually falls apart when the ‘right’ people are not watching, and doesn’t nourish anyone else in a deep way. When we encourage kids to say words that are devoid of caring, we push our kids to give and accept substitutes for real sentiments and push them towards superficial relating. Furthermore, the feeling of caring is one of the most important emotions that drives development and overall social and emotional maturity. We should not want to detach caring words from the caring roots that should drive them.

If we want to grow kids up to have empathy for others, show consideration, and act in a caring manner, then we will need to make sure their caring words are anchored to their caring feelings. How do we do this?

The first thing we need to realize is that gratitude is not something you can teach directly, rather; it is something you can help a child express when they feel cared for by another person. We can start by orienting the child to their own feelings and to help them stop for a moment to consider how someone has cared for them.

Children under the age of 5 are often impulsive and move quickly through their emotions. They are routinely unaware of how their feelings drive behaviour. Helping a child land on one feeling at a time will help them recognize and feel the caring that is behind gestures. For example, my eldest used to bring her sister part of her treats that were shared on special occasions in school. She would run towards her sister with half eaten cookies or cupcakes and when I asked her why she always remembered her sister she said, “Because she doesn’t get these treats and I know she likes them and I don’t want her to be left out.” My youngest never had to be told to say thank you to her sister. The huge hug she would give her in seeing the treat was all that was required to let me know the caring gesture had been received and acknowledged.

Where we need to focus our energies is on nurturing a caring spirit in our children. The capacity to care about others is instinctive and is unlocked when a child feels cared for. When a child is cared for by others, there is more caring in that child to give to others.

Caring behaviour doesn’t need to be rewarded either – it is fulfilling all on its own. The more we reward caring behaviour, the less caring it will be.

A chronic absence of caring in a child is not something that can be simply returned by commanding caring words or performances. A lack of caring in a child is an aberrant condition and one that requires us to pay close attention and work at softening defenses that inhibit emotional expression.

When it comes to giving gifts and celebrations, to the everyday acts of sharing with others – there are number of things we can do to nurture a child’s caring spirit. When a child is full of caring, it is this that will spontaneously move them towards expressions of gratitude.

Strategies to Cultivate Gratitude

Explain what gifts really mean.

Provide some context for gift giving and orient kids to what gifts are about. Too often a child is focussed on the
nature of the gift and whether they like it. To give someone a gift is about demonstrating through some tangible token, that you care about them. It should be the caring that matters and not the ‘item’ itself. The problem is that in a material, accumulation based, and consumer driven culture, the focus is always on “what did you get?” If we want to cultivate caring kids we need to focus on “who gave you this and why?” This is one of the ways we can orient our children to give from their heart and to recognize when others have as well.

Don’t ask kids “what do you want for a gift?”

We need to do more than ask kids what they want for their birthday, Christmas or any other occasion where gifts are given, and just simply respond to their lists of desires. If we give someone a gift then it would make sense that we should know them well enough to give them something thoughtful. If you have to fish around for ideas behind their back, this also preserves the caring because you spent time to find out about who they are. What we often forget in the act of giving a gift is that the element of surprise matters. When someone gets us what we asked for we are essentially caring about ourselves. When someone surprises us then we are more likely to feel cared for in a deeper way.

When we step back and consider what it means to be cared for and what gratitude should be about, it is clear we cannot get there from simply responding to our kids demands for things. We can’t invite our kids to rest in our care if we can’t figure out how to care for them on our special celebrations in life.

Homemade gifts really are the best.

A homemade gift is something special and serves to make someone feel significant. Why is this so? Because in making something for another person, it means you thought about them, sacrificed time to make something with your own hands, and created something unique for them. When a child makes a gift for someone they are oriented to the relationship they have with this person and the feelings they have for them. Homemade gifts should be closer to the heart than something they bought. This helps to keep the focus away from the material collection of goods and towards the generosity that underlies gift giving, and therefore, the gratefulness for them. The gifts that I treasure the most are the ones that have been made for me, like my children’s drawings or my husband’s thoughtful words on anniversary’s or birthdays.

Prime a child to say thank you instead of commanding a performance.

You can cue a child to situations where expressing gratitude is important and socially expected without pushing them to give false performances. This is done by reminding them that others will be generous towards them such as giving them a gift, helping them, or, taking care of them. You can remind the child that when we feel cared for by others we can show our caring back with a thank you or hand shake or whatever gesture is appropriate for the situation. It is better to ask them, “Do you have any thank you’s in you right now? This would be a good time to give them to that person,” rather than commanding, “You need to say thank you.” It is also helpful to prime a child towards feeling gratitude by encouraging them to create a card or letter of appreciation to other people when they feel thankful. Sometimes our kids need help in understanding how to express their caring feelings in civilized ways.

5. Live your family values out loud.

The statement that it is better to give than receive is an important one to orient kids towards. We can do this by talking about this value at the dinner table, and telling stories about family members who embody this and about their acts of generosity. When kids see that generosity matters to their adults, it should resonate and be clear that the spirit to care for others is alive and well in their family, and something to be treasured and honoured.

It is not simply enough for us to talk about the importance of generosity or gratitude – this is a performance on our end. We need to live these values out loud for our children to see, and not in a bragging and boastful way. I still remember the quiet generosity of my father as he donated his time and money to families and to his community. He was never one to boast about these things but it was my mother who told us, and reminded us that our father cared about not only us, but about others too. He and my mother have been steadfast in their example that it is better to give than to receive. By constantly demonstrating their generosity towards others, they orient my family towards knowing that caring about people is what matters most – not the things we accumulate or hold onto as substitutes for love.

The word integrity means that our actions and words are congruent with our thoughts and feelings. We need to guide our children towards this goal so that they can become whole. Integrity is what allows them to grow up as authentic beings, and to be the socially and emotionally responsible adults of tomorrow.

False performances of caring are cheap substitutes for the real thing and are an insult to the deep relationships that are life giving and fulfilling to all of us. We need to nurture the caring spirit that exists inside our children. We need to orient them to the true nature of gift giving and the joy that it brings to others when done it is with caring.

How The Mother In Us Is Born

I used to think the mother in me was born when I had my first child. My first thought waking up after her birth was, “I’m a mother now.” My next thought was, “where is my baby?!” When we assume responsibility for raising a child, the ignition of strong emotions such as alarm, joy, anticipation, and apprehension all serve to signal something significant is underfoot. Our attention becomes preoccupied, if not hijacked, by all matters related to caretaking. Despite the feelings of caring and responsibility that sink deeply into us, it is not our child’s arrival that gives birth to the mother in us.

You might think that finding out one is pregnant or deciding to adopt a child is the birthplace of motherhood. While we may make a commitment to have a child, it is not here where we first discover mothering. And for those who were robbed of holding their babies through miscarriage or illness, the instincts to mother did not disappear with these losses either.

The capacity to mother – to care, protect, nourish, guide, and to cherish someone are first revealed in the hours we spent in play as a child. It is here where we practiced protecting our babies, animals, younger siblings, insects, to inanimate objects. It was in our play where we experimented with what it means to be responsible and to step into a caretaker role. It was in our pretend world, created from our imagination and emotion, that we took our first steps towards revealing the mother in us.

Despite the parenting we may have received, it was in play where our instincts and emotions to care for another were preserved and nurtured. It is in play where we were free to make mistakes, to get frustrated, and to walk away from it all. Play provided a rehearsal space where no one was really hurt or ever worried if we got it right. No one was really judging our actions and nor did we believe knowledge was required to take care of something. In play our caretaking was innate, instinctive, and lacked words or insight – it was just in us.

In play the mother in us was drawn to the surface but when a ‘live’ or ‘real’ child was handed to us, this play stopped and the work of mothering began. The ability to make mistakes became too costly as did one’s ‘take it or leave it’ stance. But as we turned ourselves over to the work of mothering, we somehow became disconnected from the instincts and emotions that guided us once so freely in play.

Perhaps it is because giving ourself over to motherhood has the power to strike fear into our hearts and stir up feelings that we are not good enough, or that we don’t know enough, or are not ready for it all, or we feel at loss for answers. Perhaps it is because being a mother feels all too real sometimes. Just ask the mother worried about her child being bullied at school, or the mother of a child who is sick and needs care, or the mother who watches her adult child leave home to venture out on their own. It sometimes feels too much when you have had little sleep, have outside work responsibilities to ‘balance’ with home, or when your child is having a tantrum when you want one of your own.

When we played at mothering it was okay to perform and to take for granted that things would work out. In play we never had to commit and it never felt so raw or real. What mothering requires us to do is to claim our rightful place in our child’s life with pride, confidence, and vulnerability.

The good news is that the mothers in us were born long ago and the instincts and emotions that guided us in play can lead us today. What our children need is already inside of us to give. It is in the transition from ‘mothering play’ to ‘mothering reality’ that allows the caretaker in us to arrive in solid form. It is when we accept the emotions that come with being a caretaker that our shape solidifies and our identity is transformed in the process.

Being a mother is not about the performance we give but something that should come deep from within us. We cannot find the mother in us by following someone else’s directions, mantras, or pretending that we are in the lead. All the time we look to the external world to steer us, we do not find what is already within. While the mother in us was born in play, it is with our children that we become the caretaker they need. Mothering must rise up in us, not be scripted onto us.

We are made into mothers when we vulnerably accept the emotions and feelings that come with this role. There will be frustration to joy, apprehension to exuberance. It is these feelings that will wash over us, turn us upside down, inside out, and that share at their core, the power to transform us into the mothers that only our children can make us.

To all the mothers that feel the weight of the reality that comes with this role, this is not a mistake in you nor does it mean you are doing it wrong. When mothering isn’t a mask or a performance you put on, you will feel much and it can feel messy. But it is from these instincts and emotions where your children will be nourished from the deepest of wells. Yes, you will be tired, and yes, it will feel too much sometimes, but what I know about ‘mothering wells’ is this – somehow you find a way to dig a little deeper.

Resilience: Embracing the Emotional Journey

Stress seems to lie around every corner. It is there when change happens to us or when we are up against the things we cannot change. From the losses that are part of life to our unmet needs, how were we meant to find a way through?

Gordon Neufeld defines resilience as the “capacity to return to optimal functioning after stress or to thrive under duress.” (1) While we can’t avoid the ups and downs in life, we can harness the body’s natural way of healing and bounce back. The question is how do we do this and how do we set our children up to do the same?

The key is to resilience is to realize that it cannot be found by “pitting our head against our heart,” as Neufeld states. It has always been our hearts that hold the secrets to healing. The problem is we have gotten lost in thinking that the mind holds all the answers when we are faced with problems. We lose sight that adversity will take us on an emotional journey and our feelings need to take the wheel in helping us find a way through.

There is a difference between “true resilience” and “false resilience.” False resilience arises when our emotions are supressed and no longer become conscious or deeply felt. With false resilience there is an absence of feelings and the ‘calm’ exterior lulls us into thinking that perhaps we are okay and indeed resilient. It allows a child to function at school despite stress or an adult to show up at work and do a job. The problem is a hardened heart is like scar tissue, it isn’t very flexible nor does it feel very much.

True resilience is noisy. It is full of feelings that can be big and upsetting. You can hear it in the healthy teenager as they go through their final passage into adulthood and speak of the emptiness, fear, loneliness, or the insecurity they feel. You can hear it in the new parent who is wondering why they have so many emotions flooding them like alarm, frustration, and sadness as they take care of little people they love dearly.

False resilience stems from the absence of emotion whereas true resilience is about being hardy or of much heart. Resilience requires more feeling, not less.

If we are to play a role in our children unfolding as resilient beings we will need to play caretaker to their heart. We don’t need to chase them away or have them run away from their big feelings. We don’t need to toughen them up or suggest “not to let themselves get down” or that they “need to pick themself up.” It is the emotional mending of what has been broken that paves the way to being able to thrive and bounce back.

The problem is that when stress overwhelms or floods us, there are too many things to focus on or to feel. Our emotions are stirred up and they get busy trying to fix the challenges we face. A child can cling to a parent when it’s time to leave for school or a teen can refuse to talk about something because it hurts more when they do.

The brain jumps into action when we are full of emotion, and feelings are a luxury. Feelings are the emotions we can catch hold of and cry tears to, and make room for. But when we are overloaded, we have “more emotion and less feeling,” as Neufeld states.

We struggle to embrace the emotional journey’s that come with stress and we have lost sight of how important they are to take our children on. The problem is we seem so scared of emotions that come big and strong in times of stress. We worry they will take us down the dark holes that are part of life and we will never get back up. We think we have to kick and scream and crawl our way out of the tunnels in life rather than to see that there has always been something to carry us through them. Resilience is an emotional journey and our emotions were meant to carry us forward when we no longer know the way. It isn’t the absence of vulnerable feelings that make us strong, but our capacity to embrace the ones that we have.

We have lost the keys to opening the heart at the time when we need it the most. We have become lost in our heads and believe thinking things out holds the ultimate answer. Reason doesn’t hold the answer when our heart is hurt. Resiliency isn’t a set of skills to learn nor is it a list of statements we tell our kids to write out and repeat. Resilience doesn’t come from a script, a worksheet or talking yourself into happy feelings either. The idea that we have to force healing down a particular path doesn’t understand the inherent capacity in humans to heal.

We need to embrace our feelings and allow what nature has given us to be able to journey through the stress and adversity that is part of our life.

We need to help our children express the sadness that will be there when things don’t go their way. We need to open channels for expression through play and free the muses to draw out their feelings through music, paint, dance, song, or clay. We can encourage them to tell us their stories and to “replay” all that has happened says Neufeld.

What we all need most of all on emotional journey’s are people who can come alongside our feelings. It is the people we hold onto at times of unrest, that carry us through our strong emotions. Our relationships provide an illusion of safety in the midst of all the things that don’t feel right. When we are in doubt about our chances of a safe return to well being, it is our relationships that can guide us and say hold onto me.

Our relationships are also what give us hope and help us believe that we are indeed strong enough to carry the heavy load we feel. It is a parent’s belief in a child that helps them feel there is a way out of it all.

When I think of the big things in my life that have had to be faced, it is people I am most attached to that have anchored me the most. They have become embedded in those emotional journey’s. They are the people that helped keep my heart soft and helped me endure despite feelings of despair. And like all journey’s, once you have travelled somewhere, you are never the same again. You become forever transformed by the things you see on the way, the experiences you have, and the emotions that are felt.

As Kierkegaard said, “Life must be lived forwards but can only be understood backwards.” While you are in the midst of the emotional journey it is not important to make sense of it all, to have the pieces all fit together, but rather, to embrace the process of the emotional let down, and to use nature’s system to help release the emotions that need to come out and to rest from trying to make things different.

If we can do this for our kids, they will realize that healing wasn’t something we had to invent, wasn’t something we had to learn, something we had to work hard at or force, but rather, to release ourselves too. We already have inside of us the ingredients to allow healing to occur, we just need someone to go on the emotional journey with us. As parents we can set the stage for the feelings and the play to help our children too.

Emotions are not a nuisance, they are nature’s ways of taking care of us. It is our feelings that carry us when faced with the challenges that life presents. The more we make room for them, feel them, play with them, the more they can do their healing on us. The challenges in life must be embraced but we all need someone to lean on. There could be no greater gift to our kids nor no better message to leave them with.

Notes

(1) Gordon Neufeld, The Keys to Resilience, Keynote Address 9th Annual Neufeld Institute Conference, April 28, 2017, Richmond, BC

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of the best selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She is also on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource centre. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca.

Mama or Dada? What Do Children Say First and Why

When babies start to coo and gurgle, parents listen attentively, waiting for the magical sounds they want to hear – their name. But who comes first, Mama or Dada? While open to speculation among parents, research suggests there is a clear winner.

Linguistic experts continue to debate whether D’s are harder to say than M’s but Heather Goad, a professor at MacGill University, is firmly in the Daddy camp. She states D’s are more difficult to pronounce because of the tongue gesture required.

But difficulty or not, the first person a child identifies is not who people usually think it will be.

Cross cultural research on baby’s first words shows that the clear winner is Dada. Tardif and colleagues found in over 900 babies, age 8 to 16 months from English, Cantonese, and Mandarin speaking homes, Dada was the most common first person identified. Mama is not far behind but it does lead to questions as to why in mixed gender homes, Dada seems to come first?

Mothers are often astonished and confused at Dada being the first ‘person word’ a child says, especially if they have been at home with them for any length of time. But have no fear – it’s not what you think. The reason Mama usually follows Dada is that she is not the first person a baby sees as being separate from them.

To understand this we need to put these words into developmental context. Shyness instincts in a baby start to appear ideally at age 6 to 7 months. At this time they will demonstrate a clear preference for a primary caretaker. By age 8 to 9 months they will ideally be on their way to demonstrating object permanence, meaning they understand that if someone goes away that they can also reappear again. Babies at this age also begin to understand causality meaning they see they have an impact on the world through their actions. For example, they start to understand that their coos can draw a parent near as well as their cries. This is important as far as the naming process goes. For a child to start to name things, objects need to take on a more permanent form.

But why Dada first?

When mothers are the primary attachment, babies are still quite fused to them well into their first year of life. The first separation they see from themself is to their father. Dada is usually the first person they identify outside of the mother and baby bond.

Mama usually follows on the heels of Dada and indicates that a child is starting to use words to name permanent objects in their life. What this indicates is a small developmental miracle, a child is being born as a separate, unique being.

The ability to name a separate person and to see them as a unique being is a developmental achievement.

While being able to identify Dada and Mama is evidence of a sophisticated self that is emerging, by the age of three, an even more special pronoun can be heard – “I’ 0r “Me.”

Three year old’s are often adamant that you call them by their preferred name, with proclamations such as, “I am not your honey, I am Matthew!” They are quite sure they can “do it MYSELF” as if to alert us that indeed, a separate being has formed and is on their way to realizing their own will.

The developmental trajectory of names in a young child reveals the length of time it takes to grow them as a separate person psychologically. In the first three years of life, over 100 billion brain cells will form 1000 trillion connections allowing them to put the pieces of their world together into a coherent whole and for their narrative to take shape.

One of the most remarkable developments in the first three years of life is how they come to grow as a separate person and start to develop their own ideas, preferences, desires, and intentions.

While it may start with Dada, the pronouncement of “I” is indicative of a psychological self being born. For the next two to three years the “I” will continue to develop as a child makes sense of their world and discovers their own words and meanings for it. It takes time to grow a separate self and this should be a child’s main preoccupation between the years of 3 to 6 years, thus giving them the appearance of self absorption. The child needs time to develop as a whole person and this is achieved with a focus on the self as governed by instincts, emotions, and brain development that is underway.

Between the age of 5 to 7 years, brain growth should ideally allow a child to consider two separate reference points at the same time. This means they will be able to take into account their own needs, as well as those of others while interacting with them. The “I” can now shift to “WE” and the young child starts to evolve as a social being. At this time, they should be able to handle themself better in social settings and are more likely to meet social expectations for conduct and performance.

The birth of a child as a social being rests on how they unfold first as a separate self. Those magical words at around age 3 – “ME DO,” indicates things are well underway. While Dada is the first person a baby usually identifies in their life, it is only just the beginning. It is the start of a journey to understand who they are and to be able to use their words to share their experiences with others.

References

Tardif, T., Fletcher, P., Liang, W., Zhang, Z., Kaciroti, N., & Marchman, V. A. (2008). Baby’s first 10 words. Developmental Psychology, 44(4), 929.

Can a Child Be Too Attached to Their Parent?

One of the most common questions I am asked about relationships is whether a child can be too attached? There is a general fear and persistent myth that if we focus on building relationships with our kids, we may hinder their grow as independent and self-sufficient beings. There is a paradoxical relationship between attachment and separation which isn’t often understood. Attachment doesn’t slow down growth, it fuels it.

When you consider the big picture, the ultimate goal in raising a child is to help them become their own separate person. We should want them to have their own mind, set their own goals, form their own reasons, make their own decisions, think for themself, know their boundaries, and create their own intentions. What we really need to be asking is what do we need to do to make sure our kids grow like this?

Young kids under the age of three routinely cling to their parents. They may chase after them, cry when they are not near, and be unhappy when they have to share their parent’s attention with others.

Young children are hungry for attachment because they lack self-sufficiency and are highly dependent on us for caretaking. By the time they reach 5 to 7 years of age, they should be able to play more freely on their own, take responsibility for simple things like getting dressed, and even start to do chores such as cleaning up their toys.

Children can’t be too attached, they can only be not deeply attached. Attachment is meant to make our kids dependent on us so that we can lead them. It is our invitation for relationship that frees them to stop looking for love and to start focusing on growing.

When kids can take for granted that their attachment needs will be met, they are freed to play, discover, imagine, move freely, and pay attention. It is paradoxical but when we fulfill their dependency needs, they are pushed forward towards independence. As a child matures they should become more capable of taking the steering wheel in their own life and we will be able to retreat into a more consulting role.

Whenever children can take for granted their attachment needs will be met, they will no longer be preoccupied with pursuing us. In other words, when you can count on your caretaker, you no longer need to cling to them. Kids who are clinging to us when they are no longer preschoolers may be doing so out of insecurity. It is security in the attachment relationship that frees children and allows them to let go of us. Attachment isn’t the enemy of maturity but insecure relationships will be.

What Are Some of the Signs a Child is Working at Attachment?

The prerequisite for growth is resting in the care of an adult, in other words, a child shouldn’t have to work for love. There are many ways kids can work at getting their relational needs met with the following just a sample of some of the ways.

A child works at trying hard to fit in, to belong, to be good enough, and to measure up
When a child is self-deprecating or tries to be favourable towards others so that they will be liked
If a child works at getting attention, e.g., class clown, and seeks approval and significance, works to matter, to be loved, recognized, or being special in some way
Sometimes the child works at being pretty, smart, avoiding trouble in order to be liked or loved
Bragging, boasting, and being overly competitive in order to gain superiority can reveal a child’s inherent insecurity

For a child to rest in someone’s care it means they need to be able to take this person’s relationship for granted. When kids feel they matter just as they are, they don’t have to alter themself in order to work for love.

How Can Adults Work at Attachment So That Kids Will Not?

We need to take the lead to keep our kids close, to show them affection as appropriate, to pay attention to them, and to provide an invitation for relationship that is unconditional. When we let them know their behaviour is not okay, we can also make sure they understand that the relationship still is.

The biggest thing we need to do is to make sure their hunger for relationship is always outmatched by their faith in us to provide for them. They must trust in our capacity as a provider and not feel like they have to pursue us in order to make sure their needs are met.

The goal is to be both caring but firm while inviting our kids to depend on us. There are a few things we can do that make a significant difference this way.

Make it safe for them to depend on us by not using what they care about against them (e.g., sanctions and withdrawing privileges) or forms of separation based discipline such as time-outs or ‘123 magic’.
We need to earn their trust by being consistent in our caretaking, as well as being generous with our attention and signs of warmth, delight, and enjoyment
Take the lead in conveying we can handle them and whatever comes with this, including tantrums, resistance and opposition
Be the one to comfort, guide, protect, and hold onto them
Don’t meet their demands but meet their needs instead
Arrange scenarios where they have to depend on you including outings or teaching them a hobby or skill

Children don’t need to be pushed to separate or to grow up. What kids need most are deep relationships and to be freed from their hunger for connection.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, author of the best-selling book Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

Dealing with Bullying: What Doesn’t Work and What Will

Bullying ranks high on the list of parenting concerns and for good reason. According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the United States, in any 6-week period, one third of children report being bullied and it is on the rise.

To complicate matters, bullying interventions and programs have failed to produce lasting results and measureable success including zero tolerance policies, empathy training, awareness raising campaigns, to imposing consequences. We are struggling to make headway on bullying but perhaps the answer is right in front of us and is just simply being missed?

One of the most consistent findings when it comes to bullying is the importance of human relationships in dealing with the bully, the bystanders, and their victims. Instead of expecting kids to figure out problems related to bullying, the emphasis is placed on adults in being able to lead kids in finding their way through.

From these findings it would appear the answer to bullying cannot be found in programs or policies but in the adults who step in and assume responsibility to help. Perhaps what every bully, bystander, or the victim needs is an adult they trust and feel cared for by.

How Adult Relationships Help Victims

When kids are hurt they need adults who will care for them. This is true for them physically as it is emotionally. A bully exploits the weakness in others and goes after the most vulnerable victims as their target. The kids who will be the most vulnerable are those who do not have adults to shield their hearts.

The antidote to the wounding words of a bully can be found in the caring connection with adults who convey these sentiments are simply not true. When a child believes they matter to an adult, then the words of others will matter less. As I often say to my daughter, “Don’t take those words into your heart, they are someone else’s hurt and you don’t have to carry that with you.”

What every victim needs is a place of rest, a relationship they feel at home in, and a person they can share their story with. One of the most important things we can do to help victims is to make room for them to express their hurt and fear. As we come alongside all that is unfair and unkind, it will be their tears that provide them with some relief too.

If a child is in harm’s way when it comes to ongoing and persistent bullying, then it will fall to their adults to do whatever is required. It may mean consulting with the school, legal authorities, or moving a child if attempts to make their world safe again cannot be assured. What every victim of bullying needs is an adult to lean on.

How Adult Relationships Help the Bystanders

The biggest fear bystanders have as they watch bullies in action is that they could be next. Even when someone else is being bullied, it creates a sense of unsafety for everyone. Some bystanders cope by making themself invisible, while others stick their necks out into the fray, either joining the bully or defending the victim.

What bystanders need are adults who communicate they are in charge and responsible for what happens in the classroom or at home. When there are problems, these adults need to provide direction, assume control of the things they can control, and provide supervision so kids can feel safe. Bullies are less likely to exploit kids when adults are watching making it an effective relational intervention. The best protection from a bully are adults who convey they are in charge and watching what happens.

How Adult Relationships Help the Bully

Bullies are devoid of genuine remorse, feelings of shame and embarrassment, as well as the capacity for self-reflection on any topic that would make them feel too vulnerable. What a bully lacks is a soft heart due to emotional wounding. The source of wounding is not always obvious but can be related to peer orientation, dominance problems, as well as facing too much separation from their caretakers.

One of the most effective ways to increase the vulnerability of a bully and bring down emotional defenses is through the caring relationship with adults. It will fall to these adults to find a way to cultivate relationships with a bully and invite them to rest in their care. When a bully feels cared for again they can be made fully human and humane. A bully’s heart can only be brought back to life with the caring heart of another human being. Insight from adults is needed to help others understnad that hurt kids are the ones most likely to hurt others.

So many of our approaches to bullying assume the behaviours are learned and can be unlearned through teaching or consequences. If this were true we would be making headway on the bullying problem and we wouldn’t be seeing an escalation of wounding behaviour among our kids. The answers to bullying can be found in understanding human relationships and cultivating strong connections with our kids. The secret to resiliency and recovery is simple, whoever a child gives their heart to has the power to protect it with their own.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Center. For more information www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

What Do Your New Year’s Intentions Reveal About You?

Love them or hate them, forming new year’s intentions are part of many people’s ritual in leaving one year behind and making way for a new one. The question is, based on developmental science, is forming intentions a helpful thing to do?

‘Intention’ is defined as something we aim towards and are determined to bring about. Our intentions reveal what we hope to accomplish, how we choose to steer forward, and indicate how we will spend our energy and time.

Intentions, as opposed to ‘resolutions’ are important because they reveal something about us. They speak to our desires, hopes, and values. Most importantly, our intentions reveal what we care about and are a direct line to matters of the heart. Overall they signify that we have a heart that feels and a mind that can put words to inner yearnings.

Intentions are about hope, one of the most vulnerable human emotions of all. Why? Because what we hope for reveals our deepest desires. Hope is the path we create that will take us from where we are and towards fulfillment. In voicing our desires, we face loss as we recognize we’re not where we want to be.

What intentions reveal is the soft heart that lies underneath them. Soft hearts are the place from which all things can be nurtured and grown. Intentions reveal one’s vulnerability as a human being.

Our intentions make us unique and separate from others. It is critical that they emerge from within us and are shaped on the heels of our desires. Intentions cannot be gleaned from someone else’s lists, instructions, scripts, mantras, directions, or suggestions. The very nature of an intention is that they must be formed by us. Intentions are personal and reveal the person within.

As we steer towards our intentions we will likely feel conflict and experience the impediments that lay in our path. Mixed emotions may rise to meet us – from desire to frustration, from alarm to caring, from sadness to hope. These emotions will create inner conflict and turmoil, a state we often try to run from instead of make room for. What we fail to realize is that our intentions are meant to steer us to this place of tension, where we must grab the steering wheel in our own life and find a way to emerge, perhaps with tears as part of the process.

What developmental science tells us is that the self is born through intentions. What we aim for serves to define us. When we ask our kids, “Can I count on you to use your words next time you are frustrated?” we are inviting them to get their hands on the steering wheel of their own emotions.

What intentions reveal is a self that is sophisticated enough that it can assume responsibility for one’s life and can aim in a direction of one’s choosing. When we can form our own intentions’, we are never lost because our inner voice is there to guide us forward.

Intentions are not about outcomes — they are a celebration of human vibrancy and vitality. Having our own intentions is how we can avoid getting caught up or worried about how we measure up or compare to others. Intentions are a celebration of our uniqueness and separateness – the antidote in a world full of copycats, and being among those who lack integrity and authenticity.

If we want our children to be internally motivated and to become their own separate person we must start with their intentions. We must court their meanings, motives, purpose, desires, and yearnings. We must encourage them to take the steering wheel in their own life and to chart a course forward, despite apprehension or fear, and by being fuelled by their desire and caring. While parents must give children a relational base to grow from, kids must also come to know their own worth through their hands, tears, and desires.

Intentions must also be tempered with the knowledge of life’s futility. Our desires often exceed our human capability and we can see much farther than we often achieve. Pursuits must be tempered with knowing that things don’t always work out and that we don’t always control everything. But the good news is that it is not the outcome that defines us most of all but the striving and willingness to pursue something that has meaning to us. Without movement, we are inert, stuck – we are not fully alive.

While intentions are highly personalized, there are a few strategies that can help harness the developmental power they create.

Protect against and resist the urge to adopt someone else’s mantras, instructions, and motives. Invite your children to tell you about their meanings and desires and listen to the ones that exist inside of you.

Make room for the expression of intentions whether that is through quiet time, artistic expression, music, to movement. Do whatever it is that allows you to listen in to yourself and create spaces for your children to hear themself, which is often achieved through play.

Consider how your intentions are reflection of your desires and what you are attached to. As you put words to your yearnings consider what they say about you and reflect about your own meanings and motives.

Listen for the emotions that will be stirred up in the wake of aiming towards your intentions and make room for them. Remember that intentions are meant to drive you to this place, do not run from it but sit in the middle of the tension between where you are and what you desire.

Make intentions part of an ongoing ritual of your own choosing. Some people meditate in the morning while others find different spaces and places to listen in and reflect on their intentions. It is only important that we find space for reflection, and not that it take a certain form or expression.

We must yearn in the direction of our choosing to give birth to internal motivation and striving. Intentions are the expressions of the self in its creation. If someone asks us at the end of the day – “did you live well?” – I hope we can answer from that place inside of us where our intentions are born and say, “yes I did – and I did it my way.”

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.