Three Irreducible Needs That All Kids Need to Thrive

Raffi Cavoukian , a children’s singer, songwriter, and child advocate, wrote a song titled – All I really need – which beautifully captures from a child’s perspective their most essential needs. Raffi sings, “All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family.” Every time I listen to this song I hear an unspoken message directed at adults as to what our children really need in order to thrive.

Developmental science is also clear on the three irreducible needs of kids – the need for play, tears, and relationship. These three things are critical ingredients in helping kids grow to become socially and emotionally responsible individuals capable of setting their own goals, adapting to their environment and being resilient in the face or adversity, and feeling empathy for others. This is what maturity should look like but without the right conditions, this growth cannot be assured.

We all know people who look like grown ups but behave like preschoolers. There is a difference between being young at heart and being immature – such as blaming others for one’s problems, having a hard time not getting their way, demanding and commanding others as to how to take care of them, and behaving impulsively. How do we explain this lack of maturity? When there are deficits in a child’s environment in providing for their irreducible needs, then development can be impacted and maturity hampered.

The Irreducible Need for True Play

Play is the birthplace of personhood. It is where a child gets their hands on the steering wheel of their own life and experiments under the direction of their body, heart, and mind. Kids need a place that is free of consequences in order to practice and explore.

Humans come with an innate desire to make sense of things, to pursue goals, and to discover who they are. We cannot force a child to play or do it for them, it is an instinct that drives them to emerge as their own person that can only be unlocked in play. As any three year old will declare while in the process of figuring things out – “I do it myself!”

We don’t have to teach our kids how to play – it is innate. Our job is to create the space for them to play that is contained, safe from emotional wounding, and allows for the freedom of movement and expression. In other words, playgrounds often have gates and fences around them leaving kids free to explore the space that is within.

Some kids are drawn to movement and to use their bodies to jump, climb, dance, or run. Others like to explore and examine, while some like to take items in their world and design something new. Each child has a particular bent for expressing their internal world, it is our job to facilitate the expression of it by creating spaces where this can be unleashed.

What gets in the way of children’s play? One of the main challenges to play is the push towards academics, particularly in the early years. The trend towards early instruction and schooling is alarming and unfounded based on decades of research in developmental science. For example, in my community there are children showing up in kindergarten unable to play, that is, they look at their teacher and say they don’t know how when told it is time to. Upon closer examination, their preschool years have been full of instruction, schooling, and structured activities. Instead of hearing parents sound alarm bells about the loss of play (the teacher did!), there was a sense of pride that a child could read or do math at an early age. Earlier is not better – not according to science. We can train and make kids work and perform at early ages but at what cost to their development? What happens when kids are made to work instead of play?

Play affords a child a safe space for emotional expression and this is critical to well-being and maturity. Kids go through many types of emotions in play, acting out their feelings in the safety of pretend and make believe. When play isn’t ‘for real,’ then the consequences of emotional expression are minimized and offer them the freedom to release whatever is stirring them up. The loss of play has been correlated in research with increasing rates of attention, anxiety, depression, and aggression in kids. Play preserves children emotionally.

The problem is we don’t value play the same way we do work and outcomes. Play is viewed as something kids do in their spare time and even this has become endangered. Children’s time is increasingly filled with screens, structured activities, and instruction. While screens have become easy targets in bemoaning the loss of play, research suggests that one of the biggest losses in kid’s time is due to the increased amount of time they spend shopping – a 168% rise over a 15 year period.

Without play our children cannot grow. There are no shortcuts here, no substitutes, and no pill that can serve as a substitute for what play provides. Parents need to be a gatekeeper to the things that erode time and space for play. Children need to have a song in their heart as Raffi says, because this is the sound of play inside of a child that is seeking expression in the world around them.

The Irreducible Need for Tears

Humans are born with the inherent capacity to be adaptable and resilient. We should be able to thrive despite adversity, to handle not getting our way, survive lack and loss, and be transformed in the process. This is the potential that exists in each of us and it will only be realized when we have a relationship with tears and sadness.

The capacity to feel sad is one of the best indicators of emotional health in a child. When vulnerable feelings can be expressed it indicates that a child’s environment is helping to preserve or protect a child’s heart. Emotions are what drive a child to mature when they care about others and themselves, care about learning, care about their behaviour and how they act, and care enough to face their fears.

Tears signify loss and separation from something we desire or when we are up against the things we cannot change. When it registers in the brain that something is futile – it cannot be or cannot change – then there is an emotional download and sadness is the end result. It is here, in this place where we have to let go of our agenda and feel the upset around it, that we are changed by the emotional shift. When it vulnerably registers that we can’t always get what we want, it will also resonate that we can also handle adversity. Tears are not something to be feared but something to be embraced in the process of learning.

What gets in the way of supporting kid’s from expressing sadness or in crying? Sometimes adults are too impatient, busy, or frustrated which leaves little patience and room for a child’s emotional needs. Sometimes the messages we send kids is that we value happiness and ‘positive feelings’ more and suggest that sadness or upset is not welcome or warranted. Phrases such as, “turn that frown upsidedown,” or “you are not filling someone’s bucket today,” can put the focus on people pleasing instead of emotional integrity. We cannot tell our children to be honest, speak their mind, and tell us their secrets, while at the same time tell them to change or deny what they are feeling because it doesn’t serve them or us.

Many parents tell me that when they were a child they were not raised being able to cry or express sadness when things didn’t work out. They often feel that because they were not supported this way, they are therefore unable to support their own kids too. But the capacity to help someone when they feel sad or upset is not something you need to learn, rather, it is something we already know how to answer with comfort, contact, and closeness. We just need to show up and be present when our kids need to feel vulnerably and express what they are going through.

You don’t have to agree with a child’s thoughts or actions in order to help them find their tears either. We can come alongside their emotions and make room for their expression without condoning that immature behaviour is okay. We can acknowledge that something is frustrating for them and welcome the tears that need to drain the frustration that is built up. Saying no is part of an adult’s role in a child’s life – and so is helping them find their tears when they can’t change the no’s that are there.

If a child can no longer say they are sad, upset, or lose the capacity to cry, it will be the adults in their life that will need to consider how to lead a child back to a place where they can feel vulnerably. When caring feelings go missing, it can be for many reasons including inhibition by the brain in order to preserve emotional well-being. If caring about something hurts too much, the brain simply responds by inhibiting the experience of caring feelings. Sometimes hearts can harden but there is much adults can do to help them thaw.

The Irreducible Need for Relationship

Children cannot thrive without relationships. They need relationships with adults who generously invite them to be in their presence, who display an unwavering capacity to hold onto them despite conduct and performance – while at the same time, lead the child to behave in ways that are civil, mature, and emotionally responsible towards others.

While I was at a hockey game the other night, I watched a father and his 7-year old son interact as they sat in front of me. It was clear his son was excited to be at the hockey game as well as impatient in only being able to move within the narrow confines of his chair. I watched the boy move around in his seat and buzz with energy as he watched the game, engaged with his Dad, and playfully interacted with his friend. I watched as his father gave him some space to express his energy until it crossed a line where it became too much and annoying to others around him – like when he started to kick the chair in front of him. The father leaned down, brought his head to his son’s ear and gave him direction, “I need you to stop kicking the chair and to sit in your seat for 10 more minutes.” The effect was immediate but what was remarkable was the warm yet firm way the father dealt with his son. It was clear to me his son was moved to obey his father not out of fear but respect – this is relationship at it’s finest.

What healthy relationships deliver to children is the ability to rest and trust in the care of an adult to lead them. A child’s immaturity means they will behave poorly at times and express themselves inappropriately. What kids need is to lean on adults who can lead them through these impasses while preserving their relationship. It is a child’s dependency on an adult that facilitates their growth towards independence. In other words, unless you are rooted relationally, you cannot stretch and grow towards your own human potential.

There are many ways we can facilitate healthy relationships with our kids including:

Engage them in conversation and listen with full attention
Do things together that bring out your enjoyment in being with them
Remember what is important to them and surprise them with your knowledge
Get there first when it comes to meeting their needs, that is, come before they call you for another kiss goodnight or be ready to feed them before they get ‘hangry’
When they are not behaving well, convey what isn’t okay while also conveying that your relationship still is
Don’t be afraid to lead them and call the shots when appropriate, inviting tears when needed

What Raffi seems to get so clearly in his song, All I really need, is how adults are partners in playing midwife to a child’s maturity. Kids have songs in their hearts because they should be instinctively moved to play. They need food in their bellies and love in their families which is about their hunger for attachment and to be cared for. Add in some tears and the capacity to feel sad and you have the three irreducible needs that all children require based on decades of cultural wisdom and developmental science. Simple? Yes – but these three things require a great deal of time, energy, commitment, and patience on the part of adults.

If you take the long view on human development you quickly realize there is no pill that can substitute for maturity. Nature has a plan to grow our kids up and of we do our job then we can trust in nature to do the rest. We need to play midwife to the potential for maturity that lies within each of our children.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

Ten Things Teachers Need Most From Parents

As a teacher, I used to look forward to September despite the typical back to school nightmares that would visit me before classes started. There were phones that I couldn’t call out on, students that I lost, or lesson plans I couldn’t remember. Besides the imagined horrors that never came to pass, I still felt there was something special about the start of a new academic year, such as meeting new students or contemplating the challenge of helping them learn.

While my summers involved curriculum revisions and creating new lesson plans, I knew many of my students were likely groaning as their summer came to an end. I was never bothered by this and believed that with time, they would love being back at school again.

After a month into the school year, I would be reminded of how learning isn’t just influenced by me, the classroom, the tools, or curriculum I had. While teachers are responsible for creating a productive learning environment, parents play a critical role in ensuring a child shows up at school ready to learn.

From a teacher’s perspective, there are many ways parents can contribute to a child’s success at school. While many of them are common sense, they are routinely eclipsed by more academic concerns and go undervalued. The bottom line is this – when home and school work together, the learning outcomes for kids are exponential.

1. Normalize and support the challenges that come with learning –

So much of learning involves being placed outside of the comfort of ‘what you know.’ Learning is about being stretched and pulled a little, drawn into discovery and inquiry, taking apart what you know and putting it back together again, and being changed by the whole process. But all of this may create some discomfort as one moves to a place that isn’t certain, is vulnerable, and new.

I used to tell my students that if a teacher cares about their learning then they should feel challenged by this teacher. It was the student’s duty not to take offence but to realize the gift in having someone believe they are capable of learning and stretching.

A parent can help a child embrace feelings of discomfort and normalize these emotions as part of the learning process. It is important not to always try and ‘rescue’ a child nor prevent the discomfort that is part of learning process, but convey that you believe they will get there eventually and are there to help. Similarly, faulting a teacher because learning is hard doesn’t support the child’s relationship with the teacher nor convey faith in a child to overcome the challenge that is before them.

There are also times when kids need adult support and interventions to help identify and overcome their learning challenges. This type of support is made all the better when there is a good working relationship between a teacher and a parent.

2. Help your child adapt –

There are a lot of things at school that won’t go a child’s way – like recess breaks that end too soon, being one of many students with different needs and wants, having to wait for others, as well as following someone else’s rules. School represents many futilities that are part of life and beyond one’s control. Some kids seem more adaptable than others and part of this rests on the support they have at home.

Grumpiness is often a signal that a child is up against some frustration around things that are not going their way. They may unleash their frustration on siblings and loved ones, making after school tantrums frequent. Helping them find some words for their experiences and guiding them to express what doesn’t work can reduce frustration and help them adapt. Tears may be part of the process too, and we may need to support them in surrendering to the things they cannot change with warmth and patience.

3. Keep your relationship with your kid(s) strong –

When kids have strong caring relationships with adults at home, they are less likely to arrive at school ‘hungry’ for attachment. When they are not preoccupied with getting their relational needs met through friends, they will be better able to focus, won’t seek unhealthy connections to their peers, and will be less vulnerable to rejection and wounding from other kids.

One of the greatest challenges in classrooms today stem from peer orientation and the dynamics that play out when kids solely come to school to be with their friends. Adults are often seen as secondary to their school day, lesson plans are an inconvenience, and they share the same values as their peer group instead of the school culture. When peers replace adults, kids lose out on learning. If parents can hold onto a strong relationship with their kids then it frees their child to have healthy peer relationships, and to follow and learn from the adults in a school environment.

4. Match-make a child to their teacher and school –

When kids see that their parents like their school and teacher, it can go a long way to helping them trust their adults at school. Parents need to take an active role and play matchmaker with the teacher by arranging for an introduction (if possible), speaking with warmth about the teacher, conveying trust in them, orienting them to the school culture and rules, and ensuring that the relationship with their teacher stays on track. Kids do best when adults take the lead in introducing them to the people that will take care of them. It provides both security and a sense of rest so that the focus can go towards learning.

5. Put limits on technology –

Kids can be drawn to technology to quell boredom or to connect with their friends, or distract themselves from the challenges they face (same with adults). Setting and maintaining healthy habits around technology ensures it won’t hijack the time that is needed for homework, play, or connecting with family members. While many families start out the school year with good intentions around the use of technology, these rules can start to slide when things get busy. Parents need to be caring and firm as they create boundaries and limits around the use of technology in the home.

Teachers and schools should also set rules around technology use that will help create safe and productive learning environments. The rules will be age dependent but it is helpful for parents to ask about these limits and to support them. Schools are increasingly having to deal with issues between students that have blown up over social media and impact the learning environment. The digital world has made the divide between home and school weaker, and as such, parental guidance and supervision is important to prevent problems from occurring.

6. Support the school schedule and routine –

Schools have set agendas, calendars they plan well in advance, curriculum that needs to be covered, and holidays to navigate around. When parents support a child adjusting to the school routine, it makes classrooms flow better with more focus allowed for learning. When kids repeatedly come in late, don’t have their things ready for school, don’t have support at home with projects or supplies, or take vacations during school time, it makes teaching and learning harder. Parents can help by drawing a child into healthy habits and routine that support getting to school rested, fed, and ready to learn.

7. Let them play –

Kids work at school even though many teachers try to make learning fun and engaging. With so much work, kids need to play and rest so as to balance their day and have space to integrate new learning. While they may be engaged in structured activities after school, they also need time away from these as well as stimulation that prevents expression and inquiry. While it may seem like unproductive time to adults, it is the rest they need so they are able to work again in school. When we push kids to work too much, it can create defenses against learning and upend our relationship. There is a time for work and a time for play. Parents need to help structure a child’s world so there are opportunities for both.

8. Put them in charge of homework where appropriate –

Battles over homework are hard on relationships and do little to foster a child’s internal motivation to care about their learning. If a child shows signs of being responsible, help them take the lead in making decisions about when and where homework will get done and what type of help they want from a parent. When a parent’s agenda is hidden (homework needs to be done), under choices that a put a child’s will at the forefront (where, when, and how it is done), then the child will feel less coerced and resistant to getting things done. The goal for parents is to help create routine, structure, and play a supporting role in getting homework done, but not to descend into battles for control which erode parental influence and a child’s desire to learn.

9. Communicate with teachers and preserve your relationship –

When parents and teachers work on having a good relationship, their children benefit. It is ideal to try and communicate with each other before problems get too big. I often wished my students or their parents came to me when issues were smaller because there was often more I could do to help. It is useful to keep in mind that both parent and teacher see a child in a different environment and listening to each other’s perspective can go a long way. When there are problems, trying to preserve goodwill and a relationship is critical and requires maturity on all parts. The most productive meetings I have been part of are where the adults try to make sense of a child instead of focusing on fault finding and blaming others.

10. Support a child with challenging peer interactions –

In school environments, it is next to impossible to prevent wounding that happens between kids. There are times when they are left out, unkind words may be said, and gossip hurts. When peer troubles are present, it is helpful for parents to draw out tears at home and help them find their words for what has happened. What is most important is for a child to see that an adult believes in them. Confide in a teacher when a child is struggling with other kids too, there are many things they can do in a classroom and with supervision on the playground (of course that teacher must be willing).

What every child needs in their backpack is a relationship at home to turn to. While teachers should create safe and bully free classrooms, they don’t and can’t see everything that happens from the playground or the classroom. The good news is when a parent has a strong relationship with their child, then that child is more resilient and less impacted by the immaturity of others.

When parents take care of their child’s need for relationship and support their emotional development, teachers can harness a child’s natural desire to learn and to overcome challenges. Learning doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and when parents and teachers join forces, we are in the best position to help our kids reach their learning potential.

When Play Ends and Boredom Begins

Understanding boredom in kids is serious business. A mother of a 7-year old boy sat in my office, clearly distressed and said, “I take away my son’s technology and tell him to go play but he has no patience and becomes frustrated which turns into aggression directed at his younger brother.” Nothing seemed to be working to dislodge his lack of enthusiasm and it was starting to take a toll on everyone in the house.

It’s not only parents who are concerned with boredom but researchers as well. Boredom is associated with an increase in rates of depression and anxiety (3), as well as triggering binge-eating leading to obesity (1). It can interfere with learning in the classroom and contributes to school drop-out (2). A survey of US teens revealed that those who reported being bored were 50% more likely than their peers to become involved with illegal drugs, alcohol, and smoking (1,4).

Unfortunately, boredom is prone to being misunderstood and leads to failing solutions such as reducing screen time, altering structured activities and instruction, as well as trying to resolve boredom by letting kids sit in it for a while. When boredom becomes characteristic of a child, we cannot afford to take it at face value. Engagement with the world is one of the best gauges of vitality and overall psychological health. When boredom is reported on a more frequent basis by a child, it can be a sign that development may be getting stuck.

What is boredom?

To answer the question of boredom, we need to first consider what is missing in a child who repeatedly tells us they are bored. A child over the age of three should ideally show signs of wanting to ‘do it myself’ with budding autonomy and independence becoming evident. They should also indicate an interest in learning about new and unknown things.

Kids who are thriving will often be able to shift into play or creative solitude when they are apart from their adults. Signs of vitality include having one’s own ideas, initiative, intentions, and interests. Children should be known for their imagination and curiosity, all of which go missing when a child is characteristically bored.

According to Gordon Neufeld, the problem with kids who are bored is one of emergent energy (5). The bias that drives a child to become their own separate person or independent being is missing or subdued. The word boredom comes from the word ‘to bore,’ indicating an internal void where energy should be coming from. Humans are born with instincts and emotions that should propel them towards seeking and engaging with their environment. Boredom indicates a lack of emergent energy or venturing forth spirit, a necessity if a child is to grow to become independent.

One of the problems with boredom is that when kids experience this void, they start looking for things to fill the internal hole and as a result, we mistakingly believe they need more stimulation. The more stimulation we give a bored child, the more we will miss what is driving their lack of emergent energy in the first place.

What gets missed with boredom is that there is no energy coming from within the child. The bias to become their own person is missing or flat lining. Instead of springing into action there is little energy or signs that they assume responsibility for their decisions or direction for their life. The problem is that the bias to emerge is a fragile energy that thrives only under the right conditions.

How can we help the bored child?

The answer to boredom that has become characteristic of a child is not to tell them to go play or to let them sit in this state, which will only widen and deepen the child’s internal void and lead to further agitation. While it is true that we will all likely experience boredom from time to time, special attention needs to be given to kids who consistently seem to dwell in this place.

The best measure to helping a bored child spring back to life needs to aim at the level of emotions and instincts. We need to get underneath boredom and focus on fueling what propels a child forward in the first place.

The most critical human need that drives seeking and engagement in one’s life is not the provision of food or shelter but of relationship. When a child is vacant and missing it will be their relationship with caring adults that will nourish them back to life. It is releasing them from their preoccupation with relational hunger that will free them from their greatest hunger. These caring adult relationships may need to help a child find the tears they need so that once emptied, they can start the process of feeling full again.

As a child goes missing, it is the adults in their life that will need to keep them moving – from getting them outside, to playing, to reading or doing schoolwork together. Instead of expecting them to figure things out, an adult will need to take the lead and compensate for what is not there until a child is restored to vitality again. It is also important to consider the reasons for the lack of emergent energy in a child – from too much separation in their close relationships, a lack of deep relationships with adults, or wounding from peers that has hardened the emotional system.

While the reasons for a child’s stuckness varies, the pathway to finding a way through does not. It is about filling them up with relationship so that the void inside is filled with us. When we kick start their heart, it will surge back to life and bring with it the spontaneous engagement in life that we long for. When a child has their emergent energy restored, they will venture forth and figure out who they are.

What every bored child needs is an offer to fill them up with an offer they can’t refuse – that of relationship and rest. It seems so simple but is yet so profound, the place that our children spring forth from is the same one where we are firmly planted.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and the Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Center. For more information www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

References

Maggie Koerth-Baker, January 12, 2016, Why boredom is anything but boring, Nature.com, http://www.nature.com/news/why-boredom-is-anything-but-boring-1.19140
Ulrike E. Nett, Elena C. Daschmann, Thomas Goetz, and Robert H. Stupinsky. How accurately can parents judge their children’s boredom in school? Front. Psychology, 30 June 2016, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00770
Shane W. Bench and Heather C. Lench, On the function of boredom. Sci.2013, 3(3), 459-472.
Michael Spaeth, Karina Weichold, Rainer Sibereisen. The development of leisure boredomin early adolescence: Predictors and longitudinal associations with delinquency and depression. Developmental Psychology, Vol 51(10), Oct, 2015. pp. 1380-1394.
Gordon Neufeld, 2013, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids. Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, neufeldinstitute.org.

The Surprising Secret Behind Kid’s Resistance and Opposition

Why is it that young children can lock down in protest at the mere suggestion of getting dressed or undressed? Why do school-age kids seem to resist directions and expectations when homework needs to get done? Why do some teens oppose and rail against rules and limits around technology use, driving them to push back at parents? At first glance, these scenarios seem unrelated … except for their capacity to ignite parental frustration and persistence. But they all share similar roots.

Kids come with an instinct to resist and oppose, or do the opposite of what they are told but this isn’t news to parents or teachers. What may be surprising is that resistance can stem from the counterwill instinct that is innate to all humans.

The term ‘counterwill’ was first coined in the German language by Otto Rank, a Viennese psychoanalyst and student of Freud’s. This construct was further developed by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, using the lenses of attachment and development.

Counterwill refers to the instinct to resist, counter, and oppose when feel controlled or coerced. You can feel it arise inside of you when someone tells you want to think, do, or feel. This isn’t a mistake or a flaw in human nature, and, like all instincts, serves an important function. The challenge for parents is that immaturity makes a child more prone to expressions of resistance.

Counterwill is an innate response designed to protect the self when feeling coerced or when facing separation. Children are designed to be directed by people they are attached to – which makes them prone to resist people who they are not connected to. If a stranger starts to tell a child what to do, they should be resistant to their directions. Not just anyone was meant to ‘boss’ a child around. This is a good thing, and preserves a parent’s natural place in a child’s life as being the one to care for them.

Why do kids resist parents they are attached to, though? The answer is because our ‘have to’s’ have become greater than the child’s ‘want-to’s.’ In other words, their instinct to resist has become greater than their desire to follow – which could be due to the amount of control or coercion they are experiencing, a reflection of the depth of their attachment to a parent, or their level of immaturity. A child’s resistance doesn’t mean we have to abandon our agenda, but it does mean we will need to figure out how to hold on to our relationship while steering through the counterwill impasse.

The counterwill instinct is also important in helping pave the way for separate functioning and becoming a unique self. Part of figuring out who you are involves placing a moratorium on other people’s views, agenda’s, wants, and wishes. When other people’s voices are louder than your own, the counterwill instinct helps to create some space through resistance so that you can develop your own perspective. While it may be problematic for parents to be resisted, it can serve an important developmental role in helping a child develop their own mind.

Counterwill responses in kids are not confined to the home and occur to other adults like teachers. The younger and more immature a child is, the more important a working relationship with their teacher will be in order to learn from them. Attachment is what opens a child’s ears to real and lasting influence – not coercion, bribes, threats, rewards, or punishment.

The more responsible a parent feels to lead a child and to care for them, the more provocative acts of resistance and defiance can seem. It is sometimes challenging for parents not to react out of their own counterwill instinct when their children are locked into resistance.

What is true is that the more you push a child who is resistant, the more they can push back and exhibit greater opposition. This can lead to an escalation of tension and conflict that erodes your relationship – ironically exactly what is required to render resistance less prevalent in the first place. Constant battles can create insecurity and anxiety in kids and can adversely impact their development.

The challenge is not to take resistance personally and even expect it. The challenge is to remain in the caretaker position and lead through the counterwill storm. Some of the strategies below require maturity in the parent and the capacity to see the big picture. It is relationship that opens a child’s heart to being influenced by us and serves to create the ideal conditions for development.

So what are you supposed to do when your young child refuses to get dressed, or when your child refuses to do homework or obey technology rules?

Focus on connection first.
What makes a child amenable to following a parent is connection. Before we direct them, we need to get into relationship by collecting them – that is, catching their eyes, getting a smile, focusing on what they are attending to – all before proceeding with our requests. If we need to talk about something that isn’t working, like homework time, then it is best to collect them first to make them amenable to influence.

Reduce coercion when directing.
Sometimes when we make requests of our kids we are talking in a coercive manner to counter their resistance before it begins. Statements like, “You have to …” or “You must …” or “You need to …” all serve to raise the counterwill instinct. Consequences are also commonly used to get a child to comply, with statements such as, “You need to do this, or else,” which only exacerbates a child’s resistance.

Press pause, side-step, and revisit the issue when in better attachment.
If you are locked into a counterwill battle with a child, then it is often better to take a tactical retreat to prevent wounding to the relationship and to avoid using force to get a child to capitulate to your demands. It is also important to maintain an alpha position in doing so. For example, “I’m going to give you some time to think about this and I will be back to talk,” or “I’ve decided this is not a good time to address this issue.”

Make some room for their own ideas and initiative.
If a child is old enough to get dressed or organize their homework, then perhaps it is time to put them in charge of these things? If they are eager to have their own mind and exert their own wishes and wants, then carving some spaces and turning over age-appropriate tasks to them may be a helpful strategy. The types of activities that you would not want to turn over to them would include anything to do with their caretaking such as food, or who they spend time with.

Make amends when needed.
If our reactions to a child’s counterwill have created distance in the relationship, then giving it time and returning to the child to make amends may be necessary. It can be simply done with an apology and an indication that you wish things would have gone better in the discussion.

While our children may claim, “You’re not the boss of me,” we don’t have to take it to heart or react to it. We just need to lead through the counterwill storm, knowing we are their best bet and that they should feel safe and secure in our care. It is okay for our kids to have their own mind, but this doesn’t mean they will always get their own way. One day the child will be the ‘boss’ of him or herself and until our job is done, we need to make some room for them to flex their wings, but not let go of our caretaking responsibilities.

For more information on dealing with counterwill in kids, please see the Making Sense of Counterwill course through the Neufeld Institute, and read Chapter 9 in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one).

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The Vulnerability Problem of the Bully

Bullies thrive on exploiting the vulnerability in others. Instead of protecting those who are in a weaker position they take advantage of them. They revel in having the upper hand. They don’t play by the rules or believe the rules apply to them. Bullies don’t think twice and lack the capacity for reflection. They are fearless, tearless, immature, and have to get their own way. They do not adapt when they face futility – they cannot hear ‘no’ and accept it. Bullies are dark inside, there is a void where vulnerable feelings are no longer felt.

This costs of bullying to our children, teens, schools, and larger society are staggering. Stuck kids can grow up to be stuck adults. The interventions that have been launched to curb bullying have come up short. Nothing seems to work long term, yet the costs continue to mount.

The bully continues to baffle us. With incredulity one looks one at their acts of cruelty, the ineffectiveness of punishment and consequences, as well as their lack of empathy. They remain a mystery and what drives them remains impervious to change. The challenge is we cannot solve a problem we don’t understand.

The Hardened Heart of the Bully

One of the reasons we cannot make headway on bullying is we fail to make sense of the bully’s vulnerability problem. A bully’s emotional system has become inhibited and they no longer experience a range of vulnerable emotions from sadness to joy (1). They lack empathy, caring, and consideration. Some studies have found bullies even lose the capacity to blush with embarrassment. They don’t show remorse, gratitude, or forgiveness.

The human emotional system is meant to be responsive to one’s environment but if feeling sets someone up to get hurt too much, the brain will naturally start to inhibit the experience of these emotions. Emotions go missing when they would get in the way of surviving a wounding environment. In other words, bullies lack caring because to care sets them up to get hurt too much.

Bullies have hardened hearts. Their brain has moved to defend them from seeing their own vulnerability. This renders them devoid of caring and responsibility. They are numbed out, tuned out, and in some cases, detach altogether from human relationships. Bullies are deeply wounded individuals which is ironic considering the wounding they create in others.

All the time we treat bullying as something that has been learned, we miss the emotional piece that underlies it. Bullies are in a flight from vulnerability and cannot tolerate anything that would signify weakness in them. They project onto others what they are most defended against in themself. Bullies are psychologically very fragile. The problem is their lack of vulernability does not draw out the caring in others. Their inhumane acts often draw the bully out in us.

The reason for the emotional defenses in a bully can be many, from feeling too much separation from the adults that they are attached too or feeling too much shame or a sense of unsafety. Separation can be experienced either emotionally or physically, but can include when a parent does not have the heart of their child or that child has to work for parental love and approval. When a child feels there is something wrong with who they are, often as a result of repeated messages by attachment figures or peers, it can create havoc with a child’s emotional system. There are many reasons for hardened hearts but what is clear is that their ‘caring’ has gone missing.

Problems with Bully Programs

There are a number of problems with bully programs today. The challenges largely stem from not understanding the root of the vulnerability problem of the bully. While good intentions may drive the following interventions, they can exacerbate the bully dynamics and increase the chance of wounding towards others.

A focus on what happens between kids – A popular intervention when bullying has taken place is to have children share their experiences with each other, highlighting how they have been hurt. Well intended as this approach is, it is aimed at using emotional honestly as a tool for change. The problem is that bullies do not have soft hearts and are likely to use what other children say against that child to hurt them. If the modus operandi of the bully is to exploit vulnerability, this type of approach places another child front and center for being attacked as a result of revealing how they were hurt.

Zero tolerance policies – The problem with this approach is that we have to wait until there is a victim before we deal with a bullying problem. The signs of a hardened heart and lack of emotional expression are evident and can be used as a cue to which children need help before someone is bullied. Zero tolerance policies also move the bully along and while certain kids may no longer be in danger of getting hurt, the bully has not changed and will continue to wound others. You can move a bully but this does not mean you have ‘changed their bully ways.’

Consequences and punishment – While consequences and punishment need to be part of many settings such as schools and workplaces, they are largely ineffective in changing the bully. Consequences teach when someone can face futility and emotional vulnerability is restored. One needs to feel sad about what does not work in order to learn what does work. Bullies don’t feel sadness given their muted emotional system – consequences and punishment are rendered impotent against this problem as a result.

Sensitivity or empathy training – The idea that we can teach a bully to have a soft heart fails to understand how the emotional system works. Emotions are meant to be felt vulnerably and move someone to care, to caution, to be considerate, and to have courage. You cannot make someone learn emotions, you can only help them feel them. When you try to teach a bully to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings and to respond with empathy, you can actually make them more effective at exploiting people emotionally.

How to Soften a Hard Heart?

If being too hurt is the problem for the bully, then caring for them is surely the answer. The challenge is that bullies are so wounding towards others that they draw little compassion out of others to care for them. The good news is that every bully can be made human again but the answer lies in bringing the emotional system back online and resuscitating it.

The focus will need to be on building a caring relationship with the bully. This is easier when the bully is a child or a teenager and requires at least one caring adult who is willing to try and forge a strong connection with them. The adult will need to invite the child to depend on them, to take the lead in caring for them, and convey that they can handle the child. When issues arise it will require being firm on behaviour but being easy on the relationship. Bullies are brought into relationship with others through a strong caring stance.

Emotional defences in the bully can be softened when right relationships are achieved and will require leading them to more vulnerable feelings, shielding their emotional system from further wounding, and reducing harm wherever possible. The softening of hard hearts takes patience, time, and good care taking.

When a child lacks emotional vulnerability then the adults in their life can move proactively to prevent further wounding to others. This means good supervision and the implementation of structure and ritual to guide their behaviour and keep them out of harms way.

We would prefer to think that the bully is someone that exists outside and is separate from us. The problem is that the bully can emerge from each and every human being. When the heart goes cold and when our caring feelings go missing, it is then we become inhuman and can act inhumane. It is the lack of vulnerability that is at the root of the bullies problem, and is indeed a problem for us all. The challenge is how to keep our hearts soft in a world that seems too much to bear at times.

(1) For more information on Making Sense of Bullying, please see the course with this name available through the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and Director of the Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The Teacher Has My Child’s Heart

With relief and delight my sister called me and said her 6 year old son had just drawn a picture of someone he loved – he drew his teacher of three weeks – Ms. Cod. Here is his lovely picture of the two of them together, side by side, with matching yellow bodies and black pants. Their arms are out stretched to embrace coupled with big smiles on their faces. The differences are obvious, Ms. Cod is bigger and she has orange hair and he has locks that are a darker shade of red. As if to cement the relationship, my nephew makes his intentions clear and writes, “I love you Ms. Cod.” His love does not to go unrequited as she lets him know she thinks he is pretty special too. While it is clear this teacher has my nephew’s heart, does she know what she will get along with it?

When a child attaches to their teacher it unlocks a powerhouse of characteristics that make a child teachable. When you have the heart of a child, you have the keys to unlock their mind and learning potential. Ms. Cod has much more than my nephew’s heart, she has the power to teach him.

The Characteristics of a Good Relationship Between a Teacher and Student

When a child is attached to their teacher they are inclined to follow them, listen, want to be the same as, talk like, be good for, inclined to agree with, take direction from, be open to influence from, and seek to measure up. The characteristics that make kids easy to teach for are the result of healthy attachment – not teaching style, technology, curriculum, or classroom space.

A mother asked me to help her understand why her 7 year old son was being sent to the Principal’s office repeatedly despite his good behaviour in kindergarten and grade one the previous year? I asked her if he liked his teacher and she said, “no, he really dislikes her and says he wants the teacher he had last year.” There are few if any disciplinary measures that are effective substitutes for a healthy relationship with a teacher.

The purpose of attachment is to facilitate dependence. It allows a teacher to lead with natural authority in the classroom and to take care of their students. It is their relationship that helps kids endure the hard parts of learning and the homework that is required. Attachment creates a sense of home, provides comfort, rest, and a place of retreat when the day is hard. To foster a child’s resilience at school we only need to work on their relationship with their teacher.

When a child is attached to a teacher they are easily commanded by them, guided and directed, as well as adopt and share their values. Kids want to stay close to teachers they like and will be steadfastly loyal to them. A strong relationship with a teacher helps a child feel safe at school and empowers teachers in their role.

Strategies for Cultivating Connections at School

The saying “it takes two to dance” is a good metaphor when considering the teacher and student relationship. The good news is both parents and teachers can play an important role in ensuring a child feels connected to their teachers.

How did this teacher win my nephew’s heart? My sister tells me she is both firm and caring in how she deals with her kids. She welcomes the students to class, has a twinkle in her eye when she sees them, as well as warmth in her voice. She connects with them throughout the day, she is patient and kind, and she doesn’t shame the kids when they are struggling in class. Ms. Cod has a way of holding onto her relationship with her little charges throughout the impasses that come up each day. She seems to know that the relationship is the most important thing to protect.

What can parents do to help the relationship between a teacher and student develop? They can matchmake their child to their teacher by pointing out similarities. It is a well known fact that we tend to like people that are like us! A child might also bring in something to show their teacher as a means of connecting with them as well as share their stories. A parent can show delight and warmth when talking about a teacher or when a child shares what happens at school. When a child sees their parent likes and trusts their teacher, that child is likely to follow suit.

On a last note I wish to send all the Ms. and Mr. Cod’s out there a heartfelt thank you. You bring relief to parents (and auntie’s too), when we know you have our children’s hearts. Kid’s learn best from the people they are attached to and we think you are pretty special too.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Good Fit Friends: Helping Kids Navigate Peer Relationships

There was a time when the hardest part of going to school for most kids was the academic work. Today, some of the toughest days for kids have little to do with their lessons and everything to do with their peers. While bullies have always existed, as well as disagreements on playgrounds, the youth culture of today has significantly changed bringing with it new challenges.

In a 2011, a 15 year, meta-analysis research study on North American youth revealed a 40% decline in empathy and 35% reduced capacity for perspective taking. This lack of caring is evident in peer interactions and is changing the nature of our classrooms, lunchrooms, and playgrounds.

Bullying now tops the list of parental concerns with at least 1/3 of children reporting they are being bullied in any given 6-week period according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Children come home from school in varying emotional states depending on the nature of their peer interactions.

What is Driving the Changes in Peer Relationships?

One of the greatest challenges for kids in a school environment is the increasingly peer oriented nature of their classrooms. Peer orientation refers to the fusion of children to each other for the purpose of meeting their attachment needs. Far too many children are using peer relationships as a replacement for the missing adult connections in their life.

The phenomena of peer orientation was first outlined by Gordon Neufeld, a clinical and developmental psychologist, and Gabor Mate, a physician, in their best-selling book Hold Onto Your Kids. Peer orientation is due in part to the increasing levels of separation between kids and parents today, the increased amount of time kids spend with their peers, and the pressure to socialize children with their same aged peers.

The challenge with peer oriented kids is they are not easily influenced and directed by the adults in their life, including both teachers and parents. They will take directions and adopt values that are in keeping with their peer culture. This leads to immature behaviour and in worst case scenario, aggression and hostility to those outside of their peer pack.

When children run in packs without orienting to an adult to guide them, the scenario is very similar to that described in William Golding’s book, The Lord of the Flies. Their conduct and behaviour can be brutal, leaving a trail of wounded children in their wake.

There is a difference between a child having friends versus being fused with them in order to have their relational needs met. If a child becomes peer-oriented then the first order of business will be to restore their adult relationships. Peer orientation can lead to developmental arrest, a loss of teachability, and emotional inhibition.

Strategies for Helping Kids Navigate Peer Relationships

Foster adult attachments in and out of school – One of the biggest buffers against wounding in a school environment is being attached to caring adults. When kids cares more about what their adults think of them, then their heart is better protected from the wounding words of their peers. It is imperative for a child to have a good relationship with their teacher, especially in the younger years. If your child is struggling, then asking a teacher to connect and check in with them whenever they can is a great strategy. When a child feels they can turn to their teacher, then the school day stress and classroom environment can become more manageable.
Structure the unstructured time – Peer challenges often appear when there is little adult supervision and unstructured time. When left to their own devices, peer oriented kids can gather in packs and torment kids in the lunchroom or playgrounds. One of the most effective strategies to curbing such behaviour is to ensure there is adult supervising when their time is most unstructured. Adult supervision helps to temper, monitor, and take care of peer oriented behaviour when it gets out of line.

Draw out a child’s feelings and thoughts – In debriefing school experiences it is important to listen, not judge, or become upset when your child is reporting on what has happened. If a child believes their experiences are overwhelming for a parent or they will have strong reactions, then they may stop sharing their stories altogether. It is important for a child to sort through their own feelings and thoughts in a safe environment and to have their tears if necessary. When a child can do this they can often come up some helpful solutions and understand their peer problems better. They are also more amenable to hearing our suggestions as well.

Help them identify ‘good fit friends’ – Discuss with a child who they consider a ‘good fit friend’ to be. A good fit friend should be someone they feel similar to, doesn’t take advantage of them, treats them kindly for the most part, and they feel comfortable in being around. Helping a child articulate what a ‘good fit friend’ looks and acts like helps them feel a sense of agency in being able to pick friends and find those that are a good match. It also validates their intuition about other kids and draws out their insight as to who is not a safe friend or where they feel most uncomfortable. The term ‘good fit’ also avoids polarizing language that paints other children as ‘bad’ or ‘good.’ Fortunately, a child who has a soft heart and is in right relationship with their adults will often be drawn to similar children as oneself.

Intervene when necessary – Many peer altercations and challenges can be helped through supervision, therefore, bringing a teacher into the conversation can be helpful. Sometimes teachers are not aware that a child is struggling in their peer relationships and can provide valuable insight as to how a child is managing in the classroom. These conversations are often done best privately where a child’s concerns are not openly revealed to other students or parents of other children. Being covert and asking for privacy protects the child’s dignity and does not overly reveal their struggles which could be further preyed upon by peer packs. When sharing your concerns with a teacher, offer concreate strategies wherever possible such as a moving your child’s desk, or suggestions for pairing your child with others for the purpose of group work.

Peer friendships are a part of growing up and offer children an opportunity to connect with people who share similar interests as oneself. Helping kids navigate the friendship terrain is an important one as well as not forcing connections where it is clear there is no invitation for relationship. Too often our agenda is one of helping kids get along with others, and while there is merit in this approach, it doesn’t take into account that not all kids will like each other or do well together.

Children need to feel a sense of agency in being able to choose ‘good fit friends,’ and to be guided by adults on how to deal with tricky peer relationships when they arise. Kids will be hurt by their peers but the good news is that the wounding doesn’t have to go deep. Adults relationships in an out of school have the capacity to shield a child’s heart from the worst of their peer’s wounding ways.

The One Thing Every Kid Needs in their School Backpack

A friend told me her son couldn’t understand why a young child he knew had such a hard time being away from his mother while at school. The kindergartener would cling to her mother’s hand and in tears, voice protestations to being left behind. My friend explained to her son that the 5-year old felt scared to be separated and left with people she didn’t know well. Her son, still confused, looked up at her and said, “but why doesn’t she just talk to her Mom in her head?” Astonished, my friend looked at her son and said, “is that what you do?” He replied, “Yeah, I talk to you in my head all day, it helps me not feel so lonely and I don’t miss you as much.”

What every kid needs to take to school is an adult they hold onto psychologically. It is the sense they carry with them that there is someone to return home to, share their secrets with, and feel a sense of significance, belonging, and caring towards. It underlies their capacity to be resilient, resourceful, and survive adversity. It allows them to face the challenges that school will present, from learning new subjects to persevering on tasks that are difficult. It will be critical to helping them deal with tricky peer groups, friends that turn into enemies, and bullies that are on every playground.

The beautiful design inherent to attachment is that we don’t have to be physically close to someone to feel connected; rather, we need to make sure we are firmly planted in their heart. A strong relationship with at least one caring adult is the answer to resiliency in our kids – not skills they have to learn, having to act tough, or to ‘suck it up.’ We don’t need to work at preventing our kid’s from facing adversity but make sure they don’t face it alone. Relationship is the natural home for the human heart.

The Shielding Effect of Adult Relationships

When a child has a strong relationship with an adult, their heart is shielded. The emotional system is protected from the wounding words and ways of others because a child cares more what their closest adult attachment thinks about them. What kids say doesn’t hurt as much, it doesn’t feel as toxic, personal, nor as deep. The best inoculation against ‘mean’ kids is an adult who is holding onto a child. It is an adult who should offer a child an invitation for relationship that is gracious, generous, forgiving and unwavering.

While adult relationships shield kid’s emotional systems from the worst parts of their day, there will still be tears that may need to be shed. There will be emotions that are stirred up and need to be expressed as well as problems to be solved. It is through relationship they are invited to rest from all that does not work so that they can embrace what might.

As a parent it feels like my homework each night involves gathering my kids and trying to take their pulse emotionally. I aim to help them make sense of their disappointments, hurts, as well as excitement and joy. Sometimes the stories and day’s events spill out of them spontaneously, or sometimes they need space, quiet, food, or to play before I can engage them. At dinner my kids sometimes compete for airtime or can be mute, alerting me to the fact that a bedtime chat is likely the best place to connect. I care little how or when my children and I engage on the day’s event and only that we do. I keep my eyes on our relationship and an ear to their emotional world, vigilant to when I am needed most. I take faith that what my kids need most in facing the world outside are the relationships that anchor them to home.

How to Cultivate Strong Relationships with Kids

The recipe to cultivating a strong relationship with a child cannot be reduced to a set of instructions, directions, or mantras to hold onto. Relationships at their root, are an invitation that is offered to someone. It is an invitation to depend, to trust in, be guided by, and feel at home with someone. We cannot dictate how relationships are forged and protected but we can be certain that it is the answer to the problem of facing separation and adversity.

Tragically, there are too many kids who are not tethered to an adult home and will look for substitutes to hold onto. They often lean on their friends for connection which usually leads to issues in terms of their emotional vulnerability. An immature child is a poor substitute for the caring relationship an adult can offer.

The good news is it is also possible for a teacher or another adult to anchor a child’s heart as well. The sense that someone cares for them and offers them an invitation for relationship goes a long way when they face rejection, separation, or are shamed by their peers. From the educational assistants who encourage kids to keep trying to the counsellors that are a soft place to land when days are hard – these adults can make a difference to kids when home is challenged to offer what they need most.

The following strategies are key to building strong relationship with kids and protecting them from competing attachments such as peers or technological devices.

Collect their attention and engage their attachment instincts

We all seek connection – it is the primary driver in our attention system. The goal is to get their first with kids, meaning we need to collect their eyes, smile or a nod in agreement. We need to engage them each morning by checking in, talking about the plans for the day, to sharing a funny story – anything that puts you into relationship with them. Feeding them is a wonderful opportunity to collect their eyes and to invite them to depend on you.

Cultivate loyalty and a sense of belonging

When a child perceives an adult as being disloyal to them by not taking their side, understanding their perspective, or using what they care about against them through consequences or the use of time outs – the relationship can take a hit. When there is a sense that an adult is not for them, a separation is created in the relationship. The challenge is there are times we cannot abide by a child’s actions or their words, when their behaviour is clearly inappropriate and we will need to act. Finding our way through these situations while maintaining a sense of belonging and loyalty can be achieved by coming alongside the feelings and thoughts that have stirred a child up. While we make note of what isn’t okay, we can cue the child that we do understand and are there to help with what isn’t working for them. It doesn’t mean we have to change what isn’t working, but we can give them some room to express it.

Family rituals, structure, and routine

As kids face the separations that are part of life, they need to regularly return to things that ground them. Rituals and structure are these anchors, providing a regular hum and predictability to contact with their key relationships. From the morning routine that starts with a hello and ends with a goodbye to the dinner time that starts with a hello and ends with a goodnight – these are the rhythm’s that connect kids to time, place, and people. If separation is the problem, then holding onto to the connection that comes from rituals, structures, and routines is the answer.

The reality is we can’t perfect a child’s world or ensure they never face adversity. Venturing away from home is an important part of life. School often represents the first bold steps in this direction but we need not be alarmed by what awaits them. We just need to work at making sure they have our relationship to hold onto that will shield their heart from wounding. Relationship is the home of the heart and when we understand this, we won’t ever fear that our kids will ever be too far away from us.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Morning Mayhem: Getting Out the Door with Kids

If there was one common experience in parenting it would be the morning dance of the frazzled parent and the child moving at a snail’s pace. It seems the more urgent a parent is with their request to hurry, the slower a child’s feet and hands are inclined to get dressed, eat, and even walk. Some kids even pull out the full stop and fall down, going ‘boneless.’

One day I looked at my daughter shuffling her feet to the car and I couldn’t help but think that if there was a chocolate waiting in her seat, she would be running at light speed. Even getting her out of the car could elicit the same resistant response. With eyes closed she told me one day, “I can’t get out of my seat, I’m sleeping.”

If there was one thing that makes the morning a mess it would be the resistance of a child and a parent’s fervent persistence to get them to hurry. The nagging, yelling, bribe wielding, consequence driven madness of a parent desperate to get out of the house can leave everyone on the edge. I am sure if cortisol swabs were taken, stress hormones would be significantly higher in everyone, including the pets.

Is there an easier way to surviving the morning routine? The good news is yes, but it won’t be without an adult seizing the lead and figuring out where the impasse comes from and how to steer through it.

Some things to consider …

Parents have agendas and kids often have completely different ones. While a parent needs to get to work or a child to school – that child may not want to go to school. Sometimes they are avoiding getting ready because they are they having a hard time separating from a parent, they might just want to play and not work, or they are fighting with a friend and want to avoid the turmoil altogether. When you can make sense of what is underneath their resistance and help them through it, things may naturally start to go a little smoother in the morning.
Parents can’t lead kids who do not follow them – and not just in the morning. If is generally difficult to get a child to attend to the rules, to do as requested, or to take their cues from adults then the issue may not a ‘morning’ one but a relationship one. A child who is not attached to a parent or has moved into a position of dominance over them (coined as an ‘alpha child,’ by Gordon Neufeld), is often to difficult to lead and mornings can be a struggle. Alpha kids are often bossy, commanding, or can feign helplessness in order to orchestrate their parent’s actions. They are allergic to being told what to do leading to morning battles and the escalation of yelling and threats by their parents. For more information on the alpha problem see Chapter 5 in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers or the Alpha Children Course through the Neufeld Institute. Until the relationship problem has been addressed, a child will not readily follow their adult’s wishes in the morning.

Humans are hardwired with a natural instinct to resist when feeling coerced. The harder someone pushes their agenda on us, the more likely the counterwill instinct will be activated leading to a push back on their agenda. Young children, starting around 2 ½ years, can grow increasingly resistant to being hurried or moved along. The more their ‘own mind’ starts to develop, the more ideas they have about what they would like to do and when. A child’s agenda at this age often conflicts with the wishes of their adults but is indicative that healthy development is underway. The only thing that makes a child want to do as told, follow the rules, or make things work for their parent, is by being actively attached to the adult who is giving them the orders.

Three Strategies to Quell Morning Mayhem

Orient them– Talking to kids the night before and filling them in on what will happen the following day can help ease into the morning routine. Kids typically love to be told “the plan for the day” and it can help orient them as much as draw off their resistance. A child’s reaction to the plan can alert a parent to the parts they find hard or are not in favour of.
Solicit good intentions – When you tell a child the plan for the next day you can follow this up by soliciting their good intentions. This means specifically asking them, “can I count on you get dressed, to come for breakfast, and to do your part to make tomorrow morning work?” If there is resistance to the plan, it will likely appear at this time giving a parent an opportunity to address it. By soliciting a child’s good intentions you are trying to enlist cooperation and to get them onside in making things work, while leaving some room to figure out where there might be challenges to this. When or if they start to resist the plan the following morning, the parent can remind them of their discussion and their commitment, while also acknowledging that we all have good intentions that are sometimes hard to realize.

Collect and engage the attachment instincts- When a child is attached to a parent it should provoke instincts to follow, obey, want to please, measure up, and take their cues from them. Kids, especially young ones, will struggle to listen to people who have not collected their attachment instincts first. Collecting a child means finding your way to their side, trying to engage their eyes, and feel a sense of warmth or connection between you. After a child has been asleep or playing, their attachment instincts may not be directed at the parent and engaged. If a parent tries to give the child orders, they will be met with resistance because the counterwill instinct will be stronger than their attachment instinct. Collecting a child means warming up the relationship in the morning by reading to them, cuddling, or taking time to chat. One father used to wake up and collect his kids by giving them a math question!

The good news is that when a morning has slid sideways, there is still plenty of opportunity to do it better – tomorrow is indeed a new day. In fact, some off our best parenting moments come from realizing when something isn’t working and needs to change. Sometimes it is us who needs to change and sometimes we need to work on others to change. What is for sure is that if anyone can change the trajectory and tone of a morning – it is the parent. This is not usually done in the heat of the moment but upon reflection in the guilt ridden remainder of the day following the frazzled morning.

The Five Things Master Teachers Know and Do

What is the difference between a great teacher and a master teacher? After years of hiring and working with teachers, along with decades of experience in the classroom, I am convinced there are a few tangible things that set these groups apart. Here are the five things I have learned from being a teacher and watching master teachers in action.

Relationships comes first

Master teachers know it is the relationship they have with their students that opens their minds to learning. They know their degree of influence in a classroom is attributable to the strength of their relationship with their students. Kids instinctively look up to, follow, obey, are loyal to, try to measure up to, seek to please, listen to, defer to, and share the same values of teachers they are attached to. These characteristics are not about a child’s character but indicative of the connection they have with their teachers.

Strong attachments to one’s teacher enhances school success, is related to higher grades, better emotional regulation, and a student’s willingness to take on challenges. To build this attachment each child needs to be collected. Collecting and building a connection can be as simple as saying hello, having a small conversation, or checking in about a shared interest. For students who are harder to reach it might require a consistent effort to find a way to come to their side and engage them in things that they will talk about.

One mother told me her son had been sent to the principal’s office three times in September despite having a successful kindergarten experience the prior year. When I asked her if he liked his teacher she said, “No, he hates her.” I told her the problem wasn’t with her son but with his relationship he had with his teacher – she didn’t have his heart.

When a student has a connection with their teacher they will trust in their care and readily follow them. This is how a master teacher influences a child’s attitude to learning and school overall. When we look back to the teachers we remember most, they were the ones we gave our hearts to for safe keeping.

Injecting play into learning enhances engagement

Play is a natural way to help kids learn. When the pressure comes off producing outcomes, kids are more willing to experiment, be curious, and creative. I would often tell my students I wished I didn’t have to grade them because I felt it detracted from their overall engagement in learning.

I have watched master teachers inject play into their lectures – science teachers who wheeled carts of chemicals outside to experiment with – to teachers who sang their lesson plans with a guitar in hand. I sorted my students into groups by putting them into families such as the Simpsons or Ozbournes, or gave them crayons and paper to draw out their academic work, or used yarn balls to turn the classroom into a web of connections. For more mature students, it was the stories their teachers told about their subject area that made learning more engaging.

Master teachers inject play and fun into their teaching methods, engaging their student’s interest and easing the pressure that comes with being focussed on outcomes. When we look back to where we learned the most it was usually when we got to play at figuring things out, at making connections, and through trial and error. When a teacher makes work feel like play, they will engage students attention and create a natural learning environment.

An invitation to learn goes a lot farther than coercion

Master teachers know that you can’t make anyone learn but you do need to invite them to. Engaging a student means taking time to ask about their questions on a subject, what they already know about it, and why they might be interested in learning more? Master teachers know learning is about asking a student to step forward to be an active participant rather than a passive bystander. A student will feel invited to learn by a teacher’s generosity, warmth, and their desire to know and understand who someone is as a learner.

Master teachers know that coming alongside a child’s effort and their intentions are more important than focusing on the outcome. They encourage persistence, make room for resistance, and ensure a child knows they are not alone in their struggle to learn. When I was involved in hiring teachers I always looked through their academic transcript to see whether they had struggled as a student. I would ask those who had to tell me the story of how they had found their way through. It was these teachers that often spoke most about how learning can be frustrating and that what every kid needed was to look at a teacher who believed they could succeed. What a student sees in their teacher’s eyes shapes how they see oneself as a learner.

How you treat one student is applied to all

Master teacher’s know that what is good for one student is automatically applied to everyone else in a class. Students learn vicariously through watching how a teacher leads through impasses in the class, deals with breaches to rules and limits, and manages learning and behavioural challenges. When a master teacher handles these things in a way that maintains a firm caring stance while preserving a student’s dignity, everyone in a class will feel more secure as a result.

A student will only feel as safe in a class room as it is safe for the struggling student. It is a master teacher’s ability to lead this student that will give other students a sense of rest and help to quell anxiety and alarm. Research suggests that when a teacher yells or is unable to handle difficult situations in a classroom, it can take a child’s body hours to release the tension and stress stirred up in these situations.

Students can’t learn if they are worried and are unsure about whether a teacher can lead through situations that arise. Students judge how other’s are treated and automatically apply the same criteria to oneself.

5. The most difficult kids to manage are the ones that need you the most

Master teachers know that the hardest students to teach and build relationships with are the ones that need adults most of all. Not all students are ready to learn when they come to school. Learning requires a luxury in attention that not all students have – there are other distressing issues and events that have hijacked their focus.

Every student has a story to tell and a lack of learning isn’t always about the relationship with a teacher but indicative of a child’s overall life situation. Master teachers are often moved to reach out to these students and see past the behaviour and learning problems. They yearn to give these students an adult relationship that will work for them, to invite them to learn, and to lean on them. What they offer these kids is a lifeline. They work to help the students see they are still holding onto them, that they are still welcome to be in relationship with them, and that they are confident there is a way through.

Kids who need adults most of all often reveal it in the most unusual of ways and master teachers know this. They are developmentalists at heart and believe all things grow with time, patience, and good caretaking.

What master teachers know is that neither their curriculum, nor educational technology, nor credentials will assure them of success in a classroom. They know that what their students need most of all is an invitation for relationship where they feel a sense of belonging, of mattering, of being seen, heard, and of being valued. The teachers who start from this place will take their students far. It is surest way to know that they will be following close behind.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor and Director of Kid’s Best Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.