Growing Pains: Five Things Teens Need From Parents
If someone asked you what period in human life is likely to be the loneliest, what would you say? Fortunately there are loneliness researchers who care about this common experience and have answers for us. You might think this topic is frivolous but the link between social isolation and emotional and physical vulnerability is a serious issue. According to researchers, loneliness should be viewed the same way as physical pain but on a social level.
When it comes to being lonely you might have guessed seniors and you would have been right. Forty percent of seniors say they feel lonely sometimes which is correlated with increased cardiovascular, blood pressure problems, dementia, and other mental health issues. But surprisingly, seniors were not the loneliest group of people – teenagers were. Eighty percent of teens said they felt lonely sometimes. What is this about and how do we start to make sense of this?
Adolescence can be a time of turmoil given that one’s identity should be changing (think of it like a house that is undergoing renovation).When you are in the midst of transformation you no longer have the comforting sureness of knowing yourself as well as you once did. The teens relationships with others and oneself is changing and they can second guess others as well as their own actions. They see possibilities where things used to be certain and they can feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities that come with getting older.
While parents hold onto the idea maturity that is around the corner, the process of getting there with a teen can feel messy, emotional, and unpredictable at times. One minute a teen can seem agreeable but they can easily switch to being disagreeable to parental suggestions. Loneliness seems to come out of the blue despite the number of friends a teen has or the amount of social interaction in their life. But why so much loneliness – where does this come from?
There is a natural distancing from adults that is both welcome and daunting in the teen years. In one breath the teen acts like a child and longs to be cared for by a parent, only in the next moment to crave their independence and freedom. The dilemma for the teen is they are neither child nor adult – they are in the ‘in between place’. They are somewhere on the bridge crossing the divide between childhood into adulthood. I feel for them, I remember being there, it often felt agonizing. The anthem for teenage years should be – “Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same” (compliments of the band Keane), but of course the irony is that it is actually the teen that is changing the most of all.
HELPING TEENS TRANSITION INTO ADULTHOOD
How can we help our teens transition into adulthood? What do they need from the adults in their life as they take the steering wheel in their own life? What role do we play in helping them give birth to their adult selves? Given that many teens wouldn’t know how to articulate what they need due to overwhelm or that sometimes they are trying to ‘do it themself,’ I have included 5 things here that I think they would really like the adults in their life to understand about them.
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Provide room for self-reflection
For the teen to (re)discover who they are, they will need room to reflect. Teens need muses to help them along this path – from music, to art, writing, dance, or nature – and the freedom to explore these things without feeling the need to produce something. Giving birth to a new identity is an active process that requires movement and expression and must be free from the pressure to perform. This means they need to have space preserved away from distractions like screens, peers, siblings, work, and school. They need room for the voids in their life to emerge and to be filled with a sense of who they are. And it is in this vacuum – where things are not filled up, nor overflowing with things to do or learn – that teens can discover who they are.
The role of adults in their life is to hold back the tide of distraction that threatens to drown out a teens emerging voice. It is the role of the adults not to push for performance nor fill up their lives with activities. Yes, teens will still have work to do at school or at a chosen activity, but there is a corresponding need to give them room for play and creative solitude without adult pressure and expectations.
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Draw them out and affirm who they are
Adolescent development brings with it changes in the brain and an increased level of awareness. Teens can become more self-conscious and wonder if their new thoughts and feelings are okay. They also have an explosion of ideas and need to test out their theories and how they are making sense of the world. Drawing them out and listening is one of the best gifts you have to give them. Showing an interest in their ideas doesn’t mean you agree with them. Trying to understand their point of view doesn’t mean you have to change your own. Taking a genuine interest in your teen and being curious about how they are making sense of the world will help the teen put the pieces together better in their own head.
Teens don’t often like to be pressured to answer questions. They are more likely to be drawn out by just being together in natural ways like walking the dog, going for a drive to do errands, or after school chats over a snack. When teens feel pressured to talk or to share they often close up. Parents who draw their teens out do so by making it safe to talk but not demanding it. They also create a space where a teen feels validated for having their own views without judgment nor fear of reprisal.
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Create space to experience disillusionment naturally
Teens are some of the most idealistic people around. They are keen observers of the distance between rules and how adults they fail to live up to them. They also set idealistic goals for themself and are blind to the challenges that may lie in their path. It’s hard to argue with a teen who thinks they are right and who has the moral high ground.
Everyday life has many wonderful lessons in store for the teen and it is important to allow them to learn these naturally. They need to be able to make mistakes and experience the disillusionment on their own – like realizing you really can’t leave all of your homework to the last minute! They may tell you something is going to be easy for them (e.g., finding a job), only to discover that it can be hard. They may think someone will allow them to do whatever they want only to find out that the rules state otherwise. Teenage years are a time to allow a child to bump into the everyday realities we live with as adults and to support them through the disappointment and frustration that may come with this
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Normalize sadness
From a teens changing identity to the changing relationships with others, there are many normal losses that come with growing up. While there is freedom on one side, there is also the responsibility that feels heavy and cumbersome. Teen years bring with it a roller coaster of emotions. When adults normalize these feelings of loss they can help reassure a teen that this is to be expected, that they aren’t broken or messed up, and that they need to face their feelings with courage and to express them however they can. Teens often believe that they are the only person their age who feels sad or worried about their future and the changes happening. Understanding that this is what comes with the rite of passage into adulthood helps bring some ease and reassurance, as well as confidence to face things head on. A teen’s emotions often feel up and down but if a parent notices that sadness isn’t moving through a child and depression is starting to weigh them down, then it may be time to speak to health professionals for help.
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Be generous with patience and caretaking
For some parents, the teenage years can be a time of sadness too as they watch their child strive towards independence and in needing them less. For others, it is a time of celebrating the maturity they see or conversely, worrying if their teen will ever grow up and be less self-absorbed. There are many feelings both for the teen and the parent. What is clear is that teens need parents to be patient and to just keep taking care of them. We don’t need to retire ourselves too prematurely, nor should we cling to them out of our own emotional needs. The good news is that a teen still need parents to lean on, we just need to try and keep a sense of humour as they switch from acting mature to being immature in a matter of minutes. I still laugh remembering my teenage niece argue with her mother that the signs on the side of the road that said to “beware of the bears” were a complete sham and that there were no bears in the area. My sister realized arguing with her was pointless, so she just let her talk and vent her feelings and thoughts. A couple of hours later a bear wandered by their cabin – a perfect message to the mother to hold on and to laugh at the absurd ways of the teen.
What teens can’t say and parents need to know is that our job is not done yet – but we do need to think about how we go about caring for them a little differently. We need to find ways to be less direct, to listen more, validate feelings and thoughts where we can, give them room to discover who they are, and keep our relationship strong. Finding ways to be close to a teen without being pushy is imperative as is talking to them without being full of commands. Relationships are for life and when our teens change, we need to change too, and to find new ways to hold onto what is most important to us.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 7 languages.
What Do Your New Year’s Intentions Reveal About You?
Love them or hate them, forming new year’s intentions are part of many people’s ritual in leaving one year behind and making way for a new one. The question is, based on developmental science, is forming intentions a helpful thing to do?
‘Intention’ is defined as something we aim towards and are determined to bring about. Our intentions reveal what we hope to accomplish, how we choose to steer forward, and indicate how we will spend our energy and time.
Intentions, as opposed to ‘resolutions’ are important because they reveal something about us. They speak to our desires, hopes, and values. Most importantly, our intentions reveal what we care about and are a direct line to matters of the heart. Overall they signify that we have a heart that feels and a mind that can put words to inner yearnings.
Intentions are about hope, one of the most vulnerable human emotions of all. Why? Because what we hope for reveals our deepest desires. Hope is the path we create that will take us from where we are and towards fulfillment. In voicing our desires, we face loss as we recognize we’re not where we want to be.
What intentions reveal is the soft heart that lies underneath them. Soft hearts are the place from which all things can be nurtured and grown. Intentions reveal one’s vulnerability as a human being.
Our intentions make us unique and separate from others. It is critical that they emerge from within us and are shaped on the heels of our desires. Intentions cannot be gleaned from someone else’s lists, instructions, scripts, mantras, directions, or suggestions. The very nature of an intention is that they must be formed by us. Intentions are personal and reveal the person within.
As we steer towards our intentions we will likely feel conflict and experience the impediments that lay in our path. Mixed emotions may rise to meet us – from desire to frustration, from alarm to caring, from sadness to hope. These emotions will create inner conflict and turmoil, a state we often try to run from instead of make room for. What we fail to realize is that our intentions are meant to steer us to this place of tension, where we must grab the steering wheel in our own life and find a way to emerge, perhaps with tears as part of the process.
What developmental science tells us is that the self is born through intentions. What we aim for serves to define us. When we ask our kids, “Can I count on you to use your words next time you are frustrated?” we are inviting them to get their hands on the steering wheel of their own emotions.
What intentions reveal is a self that is sophisticated enough that it can assume responsibility for one’s life and can aim in a direction of one’s choosing. When we can form our own intentions’, we are never lost because our inner voice is there to guide us forward.
Intentions are not about outcomes — they are a celebration of human vibrancy and vitality. Having our own intentions is how we can avoid getting caught up or worried about how we measure up or compare to others. Intentions are a celebration of our uniqueness and separateness – the antidote in a world full of copycats, and being among those who lack integrity and authenticity.
If we want our children to be internally motivated and to become their own separate person we must start with their intentions. We must court their meanings, motives, purpose, desires, and yearnings. We must encourage them to take the steering wheel in their own life and to chart a course forward, despite apprehension or fear, and by being fuelled by their desire and caring. While parents must give children a relational base to grow from, kids must also come to know their own worth through their hands, tears, and desires.
Intentions must also be tempered with the knowledge of life’s futility. Our desires often exceed our human capability and we can see much farther than we often achieve. Pursuits must be tempered with knowing that things don’t always work out and that we don’t always control everything. But the good news is that it is not the outcome that defines us most of all but the striving and willingness to pursue something that has meaning to us. Without movement, we are inert, stuck – we are not fully alive.
While intentions are highly personalized, there are a few strategies that can help harness the developmental power they create.
- Protect against and resist the urge to adopt someone else’s mantras, instructions, and motives. Invite your children to tell you about their meanings and desires and listen to the ones that exist inside of you.
- Make room for the expression of intentions whether that is through quiet time, artistic expression, music, to movement. Do whatever it is that allows you to listen in to yourself and create spaces for your children to hear themself, which is often achieved through play.
- Consider how your intentions are reflection of your desires and what you are attached to. As you put words to your yearnings consider what they say about you and reflect about your own meanings and motives.
- Listen for the emotions that will be stirred up in the wake of aiming towards your intentions and make room for them. Remember that intentions are meant to drive you to this place, do not run from it but sit in the middle of the tension between where you are and what you desire.
- Make intentions part of an ongoing ritual of your own choosing. Some people meditate in the morning while others find different spaces and places to listen in and reflect on their intentions. It is only important that we find space for reflection, and not that it take a certain form or expression.
We must yearn in the direction of our choosing to give birth to internal motivation and striving. Intentions are the expressions of the self in its creation. If someone asks us at the end of the day – “did you live well?” – I hope we can answer from that place inside of us where our intentions are born and say, “yes I did – and I did it my way.”
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Self Esteem: What Stuck Kids Taught Me About What It Means to Matter
Wally, a 21 year old student, glared at me intently as he lept from his chair at the front of the class. He spoke loudly as he demanded, “Tell me why I need to spend 3 hours listening to you on the topic of self-esteem?” Dumbfounded, my internal voice began to stutter. I wondered how he had managed to see my doubt and confusion on this whole troublesome topic. But I had a class to teach, a job I wanted to keep, and 18 people with a combined 36 sets of eyes looking at me – and one of whom was still standing.
I was 2 weeks fresh as a teacher with 17 to 24 year old students who had past histories involving drug and alcohol addiction, criminal histories, as well as abuse and trauma. Who was I to teach them about self-esteem? I never believed for a moment that I was going to increase their sense of self through a lesson plan. I felt disingenuous as their teacher.
My doubt and apprehension was quickly overpowered at my fear of losing the students to a riotous protest. As a new teacher I responded from a place of desperation and stupidity. With an unwavering voice I asked my protestor, “Wally, how many years have you been told you were a piece of sh**?” The classroom was silent with the exception of a few inhaled gasps. Some students looked gobsmacked that I had sworn (me included), while others were delighted that things had suddenly become very interesting.
All eyes were affixed on Wally, waiting for him to respond. Without a moment to think he replied, “that would be 21 years in total Deb”. There was both bravado in his response and a palpable sense of sadness that served to soften us both. In my question he had heard a yearning to help him. In his response he had opened a doorway for us to go through.
I proceeded to ask Wally gently, “Will you give me 3 hours of your life to address the topic of self-esteem then?” He sat down nodding acknowledgement. With his agreement he brought the attention of 17 other students with him.
I don’t remember much from that lecture or lesson plan but I do remember how it affirmed I could survive as a teacher. I realized I could not hide my strong dislike for topics that were aimed at delivering what good caretaking should have, for example, a sense of self-worth.
What these kids needed wasn’t a lesson plan but adults who took care of them. Each of them had their own sad story of how they were left to grow up on their own. My manager assured me that if we took care of the kids first, then the statistics would come and this would tell the story of our success. He was right. Over ninety percent of our kids returned to work or school following the 4-month youth program. I realized in hindsight that what mattered most was not “what we taught them” but who we had become to them.
Every time I present on the topic of self-esteem I recall my dialogue with Wally. He helps me remember what I want to convey most of all to anyone who will listen. If we want our children to feel lovable and worthy as they are then we need to cultivate the relationships that convey they are significant to us.
Wally was right to challenge me as he did. In a funny way I think I gave him the answer he was seeking too – that he mattered to me. It was about welcoming Wally to exist as he was. When Wally graduated from our youth program he seemed to stand a lot taller, more confident in what he had to offer the world. His bravado was subdued, replaced with a sense of self-confidence that was grounded in adult relationships.
Our kids were never meant to work at feeling good about themself nor learn it from a lesson plan. The warm invitation they receive from their adults is what grows them into relational beings who feel lovable and worthy.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
The One Thing Every Kid Needs in their School Backpack
A friend told me her son couldn’t understand why a young child he knew had such a hard time being away from his mother while at school. The kindergartener would cling to her mother’s hand and in tears, voice protestations to being left behind. My friend explained to her son that the 5-year old felt scared to be separated and left with people she didn’t know well. Her son, still confused, looked up at her and said, “but why doesn’t she just talk to her Mom in her head?” Astonished, my friend looked at her son and said, “is that what you do?” He replied, “Yeah, I talk to you in my head all day, it helps me not feel so lonely and I don’t miss you as much.”
What every kid needs to take to school is an adult they hold onto psychologically. It is the sense they carry with them that there is someone to return home to, share their secrets with, and feel a sense of significance, belonging, and caring towards. It underlies their capacity to be resilient, resourceful, and survive adversity. It allows them to face the challenges that school will present, from learning new subjects to persevering on tasks that are difficult. It will be critical to helping them deal with tricky peer groups, friends that turn into enemies, and bullies that are on every playground.
The beautiful design inherent to attachment is that we don’t have to be physically close to someone to feel connected; rather, we need to make sure we are firmly planted in their heart. A strong relationship with at least one caring adult is the answer to resiliency in our kids – not skills they have to learn, having to act tough, or to ‘suck it up.’ We don’t need to work at preventing our kid’s from facing adversity but make sure they don’t face it alone. Relationship is the natural home for the human heart.
The Shielding Effect of Adult Relationships
When a child has a strong relationship with an adult, their heart is shielded. The emotional system is protected from the wounding words and ways of others because a child cares more what their closest adult attachment thinks about them. What kids say doesn’t hurt as much, it doesn’t feel as toxic, personal, nor as deep. The best inoculation against ‘mean’ kids is an adult who is holding onto a child. It is an adult who should offer a child an invitation for relationship that is gracious, generous, forgiving and unwavering.
While adult relationships shield kid’s emotional systems from the worst parts of their day, there will still be tears that may need to be shed. There will be emotions that are stirred up and need to be expressed as well as problems to be solved. It is through relationship they are invited to rest from all that does not work so that they can embrace what might.
As a parent it feels like my homework each night involves gathering my kids and trying to take their pulse emotionally. I aim to help them make sense of their disappointments, hurts, as well as excitement and joy. Sometimes the stories and day’s events spill out of them spontaneously, or sometimes they need space, quiet, food, or to play before I can engage them. At dinner my kids sometimes compete for airtime or can be mute, alerting me to the fact that a bedtime chat is likely the best place to connect. I care little how or when my children and I engage on the day’s event and only that we do. I keep my eyes on our relationship and an ear to their emotional world, vigilant to when I am needed most. I take faith that what my kids need most in facing the world outside are the relationships that anchor them to home.
How to Cultivate Strong Relationships with Kids
The recipe to cultivating a strong relationship with a child cannot be reduced to a set of instructions, directions, or mantras to hold onto. Relationships at their root, are an invitation that is offered to someone. It is an invitation to depend, to trust in, be guided by, and feel at home with someone. We cannot dictate how relationships are forged and protected but we can be certain that it is the answer to the problem of facing separation and adversity.
Tragically, there are too many kids who are not tethered to an adult home and will look for substitutes to hold onto. They often lean on their friends for connection which usually leads to issues in terms of their emotional vulnerability. An immature child is a poor substitute for the caring relationship an adult can offer.
The good news is it is also possible for a 
teacher or another adult to anchor a child’s heart as well. The sense that someone cares for them and offers them an invitation for relationship goes a long way when they face rejection, separation, or are shamed by their peers. From the educational assistants who encourage kids to keep trying to the counsellors that are a soft place to land when days are hard – these adults can make a difference to kids when home is challenged to offer what they need most.
The following strategies are key to building strong relationship with kids and protecting them from competing attachments such as peers or technological devices.
- Collect their attention and engage their attachment instincts
We all seek connection – it is the primary driver in our attention system. The goal is to get their first with kids, meaning we need to collect their eyes, smile or a nod in agreement. We need to engage them each morning by checking in, talking about the plans for the day, to sharing a funny story – anything that puts you into relationship with them. Feeding them is a wonderful opportunity to collect their eyes and to invite them to depend on you.
- Cultivate loyalty and a sense of belonging
When a child perceives an adult as being disloyal to them by not taking their side, understanding their perspective, or using what they care about against them through consequences or the use of time outs – the relationship can take a hit. When there is a sense that an adult is not for them, a separation is created in the relationship. The challenge is there are times we cannot abide by a child’s actions or their words, when their behaviour is clearly inappropriate and we will need to act. Finding our way through these situations while maintaining a sense of belonging and loyalty can be achieved by coming alongside the feelings and thoughts that have stirred a child up. While we make note of what isn’t okay, we can cue the child that we do understand and are there to help with what isn’t working for them. It doesn’t mean we have to change what isn’t working, but we can give them some room to express it.
- Family rituals, structure, and routine
As kids face the separations that are part of life, they need to regularly return to things that ground them. Rituals and structure are these anchors, providing a regular hum and predictability to contact with their key relationships. From the morning routine that starts with a hello and ends with a goodbye to the dinner time that starts with a hello and ends with a goodnight – these are the rhythm’s that connect kids to time, place, and people. If separation is the problem, then holding onto to the connection that comes from rituals, structures, and routines is the answer.
The reality is we can’t perfect a child’s world or ensure they never face adversity. Venturing away from home is an important part of life. School often represents the first bold steps in this direction but we need not be alarmed by what awaits them. We just need to work at making sure they have our relationship to hold onto that will shield their heart from wounding. Relationship is the home of the heart and when we understand this, we won’t ever fear that our kids will ever be too far away from us.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Who Will Take Care of the Bully?
Lucy was the name of my bully in grade 6. At the age of 11 her mother had died suddenly from a cancer leaving behind 4 children and a husband. Lucy didn’t get mean right away; she seemed lost and sad at first. I remember my teacher telling us we should show her compassion and we did, for awhile. It’s hard to say when her transformation occurred but her sadness gave way to a cold and hardened deamenour around the time her father remarried. We all understood on some level that you couldn’t go through something like that and stay the same person, but I wasn’t prepared for the bully she became.
Lucy seemed to take great pleasure in trying to make me feel invisible and in sending a message that I was unimportant. She worked hard at school, not on academics but on alienating me. While I remember being sad about it, I just moved on, avoided her, and played with other people. I remember feeling sorry for my friends who followed her, like sheep to the slaughter.
It was only when Lucy started the rumours that I got really upset. My friend Natalie would rush to tell me, with flushed face and rapid speech, the latest ‘secret’. I quickly realized it was just Lucy using Natalie to get to me. At some point I had enough of her hurtful words and in exasperation I reached for the only desperate solution I could think of. I told Natalie that if Lucy continued to spread rumours, I was going “to wait for her after school and we would fight it out.” As I saw Natalie’s naïve but kind brown eyes widen I decided to emphasize my message. “I don’t care if I get in trouble, I am going to beat her up so she learns her lesson.” What I didn’t tell Natalie was that I was terrified of getting in trouble, of getting hurt, and of hurting Lucy, but I just couldn’t see any other way through. One day later Natalie found me, tense with the weighty burden of being a peacemaker, and said, “Lucy doesn’t want to fight you. Will you still beat her up if she stops?” Shocked, I managed to assert, “okay,” and a sense of relief overwhelmed me.
When I was 11, there were no anti-bully campaigns, counsellors to talk to or a zero tolerance policy at my school. I am not sure how these would have influenced my decision-making or helped. What my 11-year old self believed was that if I had gone to an adult for help they would have made me a bigger victim. My mother would have been up at the school demanding action and calling Lucy’s father. While today I understand these actions as a parent, I intuitively knew at 11 years of age that the last thing you did in front of a bully was show vulnerability. If Lucy saw that my adults needed to rescue me, I would have been subjected to further torment and ridicule.
While I was ‘fortunately successful’ in stopping Lucy from bullying me, I know it didn’t change the bully inside of her. She started bullying another child in the class who was quirky and came from a poor family. What Lucy really needed wasn’t consequences, punishment, empathy lessons, zero-tolerance or me threatening to beat her up. What she needed was to be understood and taken care of. Lucy had faced more separation than she could bear and she was lost. She had a mother that had disappeared unexpectedly, a father who had a new wife, and she was facing her adolescent development without a female guide. These were the separations I knew of, but there could have been more. Was her father available to her or was he lost in his own grief or new wife? Did she move to a new house as a result of her father’s remarriage and away from the home her mother had cared for her in? What became of her brothers and how did they deal with the loss of their mother? Was Lucy bullied at home too? Did she have grandparents or other adults that could hold onto her as she faced all that she had lost? While I don’t know the answers to these questions I do know that the bully she became was created from the seeds of facing too much separation.
What Lucy couldn’t say was that her wounds were too much to bear and her brain had moved to defend her against these vulnerable feelings. There wasn’t anything wrong with her brain but with her world – it had come undone. The firm footing she had grown up on had been torn away overnight. It wasn’t that she wasn’t capable of caring but that if she did, she would have had to face a cascade of emotions flooding and overwhelming her. How could she possibly find all the tears and words for a mother that had been lost, let alone all the changes that had unfolded? On the outside Lucy had a tough, untouchable, cold demeanour as she moved to exploit the vulnerability in others. She used shame, putdowns, and intimidation and took great delight in wounding me. This was not who Lucy was, but who she had become in light of facing too much separation. She had grown dark inside and moved to exploit other’s vulnerability, a projection of all that she could not bear inside herself. Her heart had grown cold and her feelings were numbed out, she was surviving but no longer fully human.
If you were to ask me what I would have wanted for Lucy and I, it would have been for the adults to take the lead while preserving our dignity. I wish they could have seen what was occurring and moved in to take care of us both. Our problem wasn’t for us to figure out and ‘bully’ or ‘victim’ labels would have done little to help. Being called a bully would have only increased Lucy’s wounding and separation while being labeled a victim would have done little for my self worth. What prevented her words from sticking to me was that I never saw them as personal but more of a reflection as to how she was hurting and that I was her favourite target.
There were many ways adults could have moved to take care of us without our knowledge. From lunch yard supervision to adult lunch dates for Lucy, there was no shortage of ways to intervene naturally. Lucy needed to feel again and when she did, the bully inside of her would have been made human once more. The question was how to protect and shield the kids around Lucy’s wounding ways until this happened. If the adults had eyes to understand her they would have seen her dominance and lack of empathy. Why did there have to be a victim before they could see the bully inside of her? She was free falling but no one knew how to catch her.
When I reflect back on Lucy I no longer want to beat her up, I want to put my arms around her and tell her I am sorry. I am sorry I scared her because I was too frustrated and hurt. I would tell her I hold nothing against her and understand why she was moved to wound others. I would tell her that I am sorry life handed her too much to bear. I would tell her that I hoped someone had taken care of her so she could find her tears and be made fully human again.
Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara
Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counsellor and educator, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and author of Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She has more than 25 years experience working with children, youth, and adults and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, childcare providers, educators, and mental health professionals. Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information.
Cultivating Self Worth in Kids: What it Means to Matter
Approval from parents can feel like oxygen to a child over the age of 4, but this shouldn’t be confused with praise or rewards. The sense of being seen, heard, cherished, recognized, and valued serve to make them stand a little taller and walk with more confidence. I still remember that feeling of just wanting my mother to notice and smile at me. Her accepting eyes were wonderful – like rays of sunshine that warmed my body. It is the warmth behind adult eyes that matter, they serve as the psychological mirrors upon which a child’s sense of self is constructed.
What do our children see in our eyes? Do they see a strong invitation to exist and
dwell? Do they see a twinkle, perhaps delight, feel a sense of acceptance not because of something they have done but simply because they are? There are many kinds of eyes we show our children, the ones of approval and disapproval, of frustration, anger, understanding, and love. What matters most to kids is the total number of loving or invitational messages they see along with the intensity of them. Our actual words convey less than our judgments do because our children watch and listen on many levels.
The most wounding and difficult thing for a child to see in their parent’s eyes is a lack of desire or invitation to be close to them. When we want to be significant to someone and it is clear we are not, hurt and alarm unfold in its wake. I think most parents want to convey warmth to their child but wonder how they are supposed to do this when behavioural issues arise? They feel a responsibility to correct a child but also want to hang onto their relationship with them. Part of the problem is young kids only see the world through one lens at a time. If they see we do not want to be close to them due to behaviour, they have a hard time distinguishing this from how we actually feel about them. The fear of separation can actually brings a child’s behaviour around but wounds them at the place of feeling like they matter to us.
One of the best disciplinary strategies that preserves the dignity of the child is when the adult doesn’t try to make headway in the moment. When a parent and child are stirred up, this can be the worst time to make sense of what has happened. If a parent takes a moment to side step or put the conflict on pause, while acknowledging what isn’t working, (e.g., hands aren’t for hitting), it can buy them some time to get into a position of influence before proceeding. When talking to a child afterwards, they can draw out what was going on for them and convey expectations – all in the context of connection. Even as an adult, I can better hear what someone has to tell me when I still feel significant to them and are valued, in spite of what I may have done.
What role do praise and rewards have then?
A child over the age of four understands that they can influence whether or not a parent will see them as important and valued. They notice what makes a parent smile and can work at winning their approval in order to feel a sense of significance. They can work to get attention with all sorts of performances ensuing, from “look at me!!” to “do you like it?” The problem is when you have to work at being significant then what you do becomes more important than who you are. A child’s sense of significance can get attached to performance, (e.g., sports, music, being nice, acting considerate), rather to who one is. Praise and rewards based on meeting expectations divorces mattering from a core sense of self and being loved unconditionally. A child can become enslaved to having to be good enough, kind, nice or funny so as to win the warm eyes of their parent. This only fuels insecurity and instability because they must work for significance and are not always assured of a successful performance.
A quest for significance is an enduring part of human nature. It can only be answered in a child when they have an adult with whom they are freed from having to work at getting their attachment needs met. We can still encourage a child when they need it and show delight in who they are – it just needs to get separated from what they do. For example, we can reply to their “look at me’s” with – “you are proud of yourself!”or “tell me about what you are doing”or “what do you think about your picture or performance or activity?
To put another way, I sometimes tell my children I love them and they tell me, “I know already.” I ask them how they know and they look at me and with blank or confused faces and say, “I don’t know why?” I hope they never feel there has to be a reason ‘why’ where matters of love and significance are concerned. They are times where we were meant to take things for granted and a sense of significance and being valued by someone was one of them.
So how can we convey to our children that they matter to us?
- Through the expression of warmth, enjoyment, and delight, which convey we want to be close to them.
- Finding moments and times to give them our undivided attention so they feel a generous invitation to be with us.
- By guiding them in understanding their feelings and thoughts, making room for their expression and matching words to experiences.
- Through telling stories and memories about them because they know we remember the things that are significant to us.
- Reading their needs and providing for them without having to be asked so that they feel cared for.
- Collecting them after periods of separation (e.g., morning time or after school), will convey we are their caretakers and they can trust in what is offered.
- When they fail to live up to our expectations, that we still convey an invitation to be with us.
Our children’s sense of self is built upon the invitation they receive from us to be close – it is the best gift we have to offer them.We cannot make them feel like they matter by propping them up with praise and acknowledgment. It is the day-by-day continual messages they see behind our eyes that influence how they come to see themselves. Children over the age of four should hunger for a sense of significance from their closest adult attachments. It is through caring for them that they come to realize what they mean to us and upon which their sense of self is formed. Children only start to feel they matter if they first have someone they matter to.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.
The Emotional Lives of Young Children
Young children have the unique capacity to display a range of emotions in a matter of minutes. They can go from happy to sad, anxious to frustrated before you finish your morning coffee. They are everything but predictable. Tragically, there are alarming signs we are falling short in helping our children understand their rich, diverse and big emotional worlds. We have escalating rates of anxiety, attention problems, addiction, aggression, and dominance problems in our children today. In fact, the World Health Organization says that anxiety is the biggest mental health issue in children aged 4 to 17 worldwide. In light of these findings, the question we ought to be considering is what is the role of a parent in helping their child understand their feelings? Furthermore, how do we help them learn to share them in a responsible way?
Part of the challenge in making headway is that parents receive diverging opinions from ‘experts’ on how to ‘manage’ children’s emotions. Some suggest we should ignore a temper tantrum in order to extinguish it while others would argue for supporting the child and helping them find their tears. How can parents find their way with such divergence in the parenting literature? The answer lies in understanding the current findings on emotional health and maturity based on developmental science.
The good news is that young children are some of the easiest people to understand in terms of their emotional states. Their bodies reflect happiness, their feet jump when excited, and they may wave their arms or scream when frustrated. How a young child is feeling is usually on display for everyone to see. The challenge for parents is that emotional expression can be big, intense, loud, messy, chaotic, and come at the most inconvenient times. Why is it that temper tantrums are unleashed in grocery stores or resistance appears when you need to hurry and leave for school? The question on every parent’s mind in these moments is “what do I do when my child is coming undone emotionally?”
Three Keys to Emotional Health and Maturity
One of the three keys to emotional health and maturity is expression. If we are going to help our children learn a language of the heart and be able to share feelings in a responsible way, they need to have a relationship with their emotions. Being able to express one’s feelings is critical but we do not share our heart contents with just anyone. Being attached to someone is a prerequisite to learning words for emotional states and the sharing of feelings.
There are many things that interfere with a child’s expression of emotion and a lot of them stem from repeated messages to calm down. We often communicate to our kids that they are too upset, too loud, too alarmed or frustrated. There is a myth that if we give them room to express theire emotions they will never learn to express themselves differently. What is true is that is if they cannot first express their emotional world as it appears to them, they will never come to form a language around it. You cannot have a relationship with something you do not understand nor make decisions to act differently without awareness. For example, if we cannot first express we are frustrated, how will we ever find our words for what is frustrating us? Emotional expression must come first because we cannot understand something that isn’t welcomed into existence or that we are shamed of. If we are upset, the worst thing someone can say to us is – “don’t be upset.” When your feelings are negated, countered, or discounted, it will only serve to create additional emotions to have to deal with.
Helping to giving children names for their emotional state and coming alongside their big feelings is key. When we give them a word to understand what they are feeling we help move their expression from physical forms to verbal forms. Young children are impulsive and ego-centric by nature, it will be up to us to keep other’s safe when they are needing to get their big feelings out.We need to help our children express themselves but the challenge is when our children are exhibiting strong feelings it will undoubtedly also activate our own strong feelings. Our own emotional reactions can serve to get in the way of helping them understand their feelings.
The end goal is to help our children share their hearts content in a mature way but before our kids can get there, the building blocks of emotional health and maturity must be supported by parents. Not only do our children need to express their emotions but also feel them in a vulnerable way. The capacity to feel deeply and to care is one of the oldest and most important feelings in terms of overall health and maturity.
Our children need to feel sad, sacred, frustrated and to not be talked out of these feelings, distracted or prevented from getting there because they make us feel uncomfortable. How can we ever begin to help our children move through their sadness if we are too uncomfortable with their upset? There are many times we want to fix or make things different for them when in fact, it is just a sad part of life. There are birthday parties they don’t get invited to, friends that don’t want to play, and things that get broken or lost. It is not our job to shield them from these life experiences but to help them go through them in a vulnerable way. We need to help them express their sadness, find words for it, and have tears for what has been lost. This is how we were meant to help them navigate their emotional landscape. We weren’t meant to fix their feelings but help them move through them in a vulnerable way. It is this process most of all that builds resilience, confidence, and resourcefulness as they engage in their world fully.
The final key to emotional health and maturity is self-control but this unfolds in a healthy child between the years of 5 to 7. If a child experiences their world intensely and shows signs of sensitivity, this may be delayed to 7 to 9 years of age. Their brain needs sufficient development in order to carry two conflicting signals that create tension inside of them. It is this tension – ‘to throw the train or to use their words instead’ – that allows for a more tempered child to emerge. Emotions are strong forces that propel us forward and the only thing that will hold them at bay is another emotion that conflicts with it. Young children are known for being able to only do one thing at a time, one feeling at a time. Self-control over emotional content is a developmental milestone and cannot be hurried or pushed along. Young children need to be given room to express themselves, feel their feelings in a vulnerable way, and be given time to grow the neurological underpinnings that will carry conflicting emotional messages.
Young children do not understand their emotions and need adult assistance in guiding them through this foreign land. There is much we can do to help their emotional health and maturity along and many popular parenting practices are getting in the way of this growth. It starts with helping them express their feelings and culminates with self-control. The problem is that so much of our efforts today push for self-control and emotional restraint. Children need to first understand who they are and have words for the emotions that stir within them. It is only by knowing themselves that they can then start to understand the world of others. Responsible sharing and self control around emotional content is the fruit that comes with growth and maturity. When it comes to young children it starts with allowing those big feelings to come out, helping them find names for their emotions, and experiencing them in a vulnerable way.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.
“Me-Do” – Fostering the Bias in Children to Become their Own Person
Attachment is the womb of maturation and one of the fruits of a deep and nourishing relationship is the bias created in a child to become their own person. What does this bias look like and how can we support it? If you have ever heard the words ‘me do’ then you have witnessed the simplest example of this energy in a child. When a child’s attachment needs are met their energy shifts towards exploring, being interested and curious, forming their own ideas, and even setting some goals. For a preschooler this may be expressed as “me do”. For my 3 year old it means she has to put on her own seatbelt in the car. For me, her ‘me-do’ means another 5 minutes that I have to account for when trying to get anywhere – but I can’t h
elp but smile watching her wrestle her 5-point harness.
When you see a child with this type of energy you know that someone somewhere in their life is fulfilling their relational needs. The need for connection, warmth, safety, and belonging are intense in young children and achieving this level of attachment fulfilment is quite an accomplishment. Strong relationships serve to root children securely to the ground so they are well anchored as they reach forward. Strong attachment opens up the bias to become their own person and they start to move through their world with their own preferences, meanings, ideas, and initiatives in tow. When a young child tells you they want to ‘do it myself’, they are trying to stretch the boundaries of who they are. The life force to grow into a unique and independent person exists in every one of us but the key to unlocking it lies in these fulfilling relationships.
One of the number one values parents have for their children is independence and responsibility. This is not something we can teach to a child but we can facilitate it in unfolding. The path to ‘me-do’ and independence lies in first meeting their dependency needs. When they can take us for granted they can leap into new surroundings of their own making. They are free to discover new places knowing there is always a home to return to. We all need to feel anchored and relationships are the things that hold us in place. If we want our children to spring forth and discover what they really can they can do then we do not have to push but rather provide for their needs. When they are full of everything we have to offer they will look at us with much defiance and dignity and say, ‘no – I do it myself’. We need not take offence but rather see it as the fruit of our care taking.
The goal of parenting is to help our children become separate viable human beings. While the “me do’s” of today may seem small and insignificant, they are the building blocks for adolescence and adulthood tomorrow. In adolescence they will use this ‘me do’ bias to cross the bridge from childhood to adulthood. They will fill the void that emerges at this time, along with the diminishing attachments to parents, with the ‘me do’ energy of the preschooler. When you watch a young adult full of this energy it is absolutely delightful and one can’t help but wonder about the parents that stand behind this success. These are parents that met their child’s attachment needs for all of those years and gave them the room to become their own persons. Celebrate and make room for the “me-do’s” in your child today for they are the promises of ‘me’ tomorrow.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.
The Role of Desire in Learning
My husband is an avid downhill mountain biker and would love nothing more than to share this love of bikes with our two daughters. The problem is that my 4-year old daughter doesn’t share his love of bikes. She has a nice new bike that she even picked out, but alas, she is more in love with the accessories that go with it – like the blue water bottle in the nap sack. She will ride 10 feet and then proclaim she is thirsty and get off to have a sip of water and graciously share with her sister. I can tell my husband is disappointed that my daughter would rather walk her bike and play with it than ride. Although he doesn’t say so, I know it also bothers him that some of her friends LOVE riding their bikes and are doing so WITHOUT training wheels! What is a Dad to do?
Last year my husband faced the same issue but with ice-skating instead. He signed her up for lessons only to find she wasn’t interested and refused to go on the ice. I don’t think these types of situations are uncommon in families as it is natural to want to share one’s interests with our children. Some children aren’t interested – does it mean they never will be? Can a parent encourage or move a child in this direction?
Understanding the difference between form and spirit is critical. Does a child want to ride a bike? Learn to ice skate? Play a musical instrument? Is there a bias in the child to try these new things? If not, then we put the form or the learning before the spirit or desire. Why is this a problem? Because the desire for the learning is the parents and not the child’s. It will serve to diminishes the spirit for learning in the child.
In talking to my husband about this he equates it to the difference between hockey players in North America vs. countries that start to train athletic children from a young age to play sports because of their physical prowess. The spirit for the game of hockey is very evident in North American players by comparison and he attributes this to putting spirit before form. I also think of one of my dearest friends who learned to play the piano at age 3 and achieved a high degree of success. I have never heard her play because she just doesn’t enjoy it. She says it was her Mother’s dream and not her desire. In the end it became an exercise to perform to meet other people’s needs but she takes no nourishment or joy from playing.
So if you want your child to play music or even be toilet trained then you have to ask yourself whether or not they want to be. If they don’t, then work at exposing them but not pushing and set the stage for their initiative to emerge. Letting their desire take the lead in the learning process can do much to propel them forward. Spirit is what needs to come first. When a child has a desire to learn then it is easy to teach them the form, in fact, this will be effortless in comparison. When we try to teach them when there is little desire then we are putting the cart before the horse.
My daughter isn’t the fastest swimmer nor the most athletic in the water, in fact her leg kicks remind me of a ‘Friends’ TV episode of Phoebe running in the park. The thing I will say about her is that she has spirit, she loves the water, can’t wait for her next lesson and her teacher often remarks on her enthusiasm. On top of it all, her wild leg kicks has fondly earned the nickname ‘mermaid’ which suits her just fine. I just have to keep reminding my husband that she will get there and when she does, it will be hers to cherish and relish in.
Copyright Deborah MacNamara, PhD, Kid’s Best Bet – Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a counsellor in private practice and on faculty at the Neufeld Institute. She works with parents, educators, child-care and mental health professionals in making sense of kids from the inside out. See www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com for more information.