Super Shy! The Protective Power of Shyness
*This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Summer 2018
Shyness isn’t a problem, but we sure treat it as one. Shy kids can be called rude and antisocial especially when their reaction to people getting too close can mean hiding behind legs, sticking out their tongues, making strange faces, or even refusing to speak when spoken to. Since we typically tend to place high value on qualities like independence and social sophistication, the actions attached to shyness, especially in children, remain terribly misunderstood. Shyness isn’t a problem to be fixed, rather it is the part of healthy development meant to ensure our children trust the right people.
Shyness is an instinct that moves a child to resist getting close to people who are outside of their relational village. Children are not supposed to follow just anyone and need to be led by those who are responsible for them. Shyness closes the door to attachments that compete with a parent for their child’s attention and guidance, and it keeps a child at home where they are safe and will be cared for.
Shyness instincts emerge between 5 and 6 months when they start to display stranger protest and separation anxiety. Before this age they can happily pass from one person to the next until their brain develops the capacity to lock onto the primary attachment who best meets their needs. When a child’s brain decides on a primary attachment, often they will automatically start to resist contact and closeness with others. The only people a child will usually accept at this point are familiar ones to whom their primary attachment has introduced them to.
WHY SHY?
You might wonder why nature created shyness instincts in the first place. To understand shyness, you have to make sense of how it protects and preserves a child’s greatest need: attachment. Shyness is meant to close the door to relationship with some people, so that it can bring the people you are attached to into better view. Shyness sets up exclusivity in a relationship, allowing it to become deeper and more personalized.
When a young child is shy with other children, parents may worry that their child isn’t making friends or fitting in socially. Young children don’t really need attachments with peers in order to grow; they need deep connections with adults. The pressure for early peer socialization is not in keeping with developmental science, which tells us that children need to first know who they are before they can be a good friend to others.
The focus for young children should be on knowing their own dreams, desires, needs, and preferences before they are made to focus on other people. Shyness with other children in the early years keeps the focus on their development and cuts out competing stories that would prevent them from forming their own.
Labels of shyness usually come from adults who don’t know a child and who are held at a distance by them. My children’s teachers would often remark at how quiet my children were only to be shocked to learn they were loud and boisterous at home. What we fail to realize is that children should be wary of sharing themselves with just anyone – shyness ensures they can trust the people they open up to.
Shyness isn’t a mistake. It’s nature’s way of ensuring that the adults who are responsible for a child have the most influence on them. The biggest mistake we make is trying to talk a shy child out of their instincts – making them feel uncomfortable with who they are. This is a dangerous message that can serve to override the natural instincts that are meant to guide them, keep them safe, and allow them to operate with integrity. The real problem is our own impatience with and misunderstanding of shyness.
WELL THAT DIDN’T GO WELL…
There are many unhelpful responses to shyness – notably ones thatnsuggest there is a problem with a child.
Some people will crash into a shy child with forceful interactions, making statements like: “Look at me when I’m talking” or “What is the matter with you that you can’t say hi?” When we force a child to engage and don’t honour their shyness instincts, it can lead to pushback or alarm in the child.
With my own kids out in public, it was inevitable that a friendly person would say hi to them. Their responses ranged from yelling, “Go away!” to hiding behind my knees, or my eldest would move in front of her sister to protect her. I often wanted to tell people that while I understood their intentions were friendly, kids are not programmed to warm up to strangers for very good reasons. When strangers push a young child’s boundaries, threatening their sense of self, it makes them more resistant to connecting with new people.
When we don’t understand the function that shyness plays, it can make it hard for other family members who want a relationship with a child. If Grandma or Grandpa hasn’t seen a young child in a while, there can be a strong shy response when they visit. Hurt feelings can ensue with complaints that there are not enough visits happening. The solution is to help them develop relationships rather than disparage their shyness.
The more adversarial or demanding a person becomes for a child to speak up, the more a child will resist talking or sharing their ideas. This is often the case in the classroom when a child feels coerced to speak up but doesn’t have a solid connection with the people they are speaking to. Shy children are often mislabelled as anxious in these contexts when the truth is they lack a relationship that would bring them out of their shell. It is not a child’s job to build a relationship with an adult – it’s up to the adult to invite the child, patiently, into a relationship with them.
A NATURAL TRANSFORMATION
Just as nature built shyness instincts into kids, it also provided a natural resolution to it. While the instinct to shy away from others may never leave, the simultaneous push towards wanting to relate to others helps to counteract it.
The more a child becomes their own person, the more they form their own ideas and desires, many of which include interacting with others. If they love playing soccer and want to join a team, natural shyness instincts will take a backseat. The more a child loves to act and sing, the more their shyness instincts will be overrun by the desire to be seen and heard on the stage. There are many young children who, despite the instinct to shy away from others, will proclaim that they are ready for school and bravely climb on the bus for that unforgettable first time.
Healthy development is the answer to dealing with shyness instincts. As a child’s dependency on their adults decreases, their willingness to seek the guidance and company of other people increases. The more mature they get, the more they can disagree with their shyness instincts as well. While one part of the child might be inclined to avoid contact, another part longs to reach out and share experiences with others around them. We don’t have to force a child out of their shell – nature has a plan to help them emerge naturally.
CONNECTING WITH SHY KIDS
When you understand the purpose of shyness instincts, you are less likely to make matters worse and can use these strategies instead.
Be a matchmaker
The key to matchmaking is to use current attachments to form new ones. New people need to get an introduction to a shy child through someone they know and trust. When we share our childcare responsibilities with others, we cannot leave it up to chance that a relationship between the child and the caretaker will form.
We can foster relationships between a child and an adult by focusing on something they have in common and by having the child see that we like the person we are connecting them to. When the child notices that the caretaker is endorsed by their trusted adult, their shyness instincts won’t be as necessary and they will be better able to follow and connect with their new person.
Develop transition rituals
When shyness instincts are present, rituals and routines can help a child feel comfortable and settle more easily into someone’s care. When we take time to say hello to their caretaker, allow some time to adjust before leaving, and then head out in a predictable manner, it can help a shy child feel more at ease with their teacher or babysitter, knowing how the day will progress.
A daycare director I work with was delighted at the new pick-up and drop-off area she had renovated in her centre. One staff member was always assigned to greet kids and help with the task of putting their things away, saying hello and goodbye to their parents, and leading the child to their classrooms. Having a special space to orchestrate this transition and a ritual around it was transformational. The staff, parents, and kids all found their rhythm in entering and leaving the centre.
Build bridges and normalize shyness
If a child is reluctant to talk to you then wait some time, chat casually with their parent, and convey that you understand that it just doesn’t feel right to say hello yet.
When I went for a meeting at a colleague’s house one day, he tried to say hello to my young child and engaged her eyes to get a smile. When he was met with a “stay away from me” face, he gently said, “She has lovely shyness instincts in her,” and he let her be. As my daughter saw me engage with my colleague, who wisely bridged the distance by showing acceptance rather than opposition, she naturally let down her guard and followed suit.
Our children need to feel secure with the adults who are responsible for caring for them – this wasn’t meant to be left to chance or move from person to person, but is part of nature’s design to ensure they don’t follow people to whom they are not attached. If our social expectations were in keeping with what children really need, we wouldn’t see shyness as a failing but would recognize it for the important role it plays in allowing them to develop their values, relationships, and sense of self at their own pace and under their trusted caregivers’ watchful eyes.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 7 languages.
Infographic – The Preschooler Personality
Preschoolers know much better than they behave, and their good intentions can be short lived. There is no better test to adult maturity than the immature ways of the preschooler. The secret to taking care of them is to understand their immaturity isn’t a mistake but part of their developmental design. This infographic summarizes the characteristics that often frustrate or baffle adults but are part of the preschooler’s nature.
Playing Matchmaker: Cultivating Relationships with Teachers and Adults Who Care for Our Kids
When we give birth to a child, we also need to cultivate the village of adults that will help us raise them. This community may consist of daycare workers, teachers, coaches, instructors, to extended family. This is critical as children flourish in environments where there is a seamless connection or invisible matrix of adults surrounding them. The challenge is parents can’t leave this formation to chance, they must introduce and matchmake one’s children to the adults who are responsible for them.
Matchmakers are agents of attachment who are not afraid to take the lead in fostering human connection. While the word matchmaker is usually associated with romantic relationships or business partnerships, it serves another role when it comes to caring for kids. Matchmakers connect two people who are unknown to each other and foster a sense of relatedness.
Why is matchmaking so important? Children have natural shyness instincts that move them to resist contact and closeness with people they are not attached to. As an attachment instinct, shyness ensures that a child follows, obeys, listens, and shares the same values as the people they are closest to. Children should naturally shy away from people who have not been sanctioned by their closest attachments.
When we look for people who will help us care for our children we consider many things such as their background, training, facilities, and demeanour but one of the most important thing to consider is whether we can foster a caring relationship between them and our child. If a child, especially young ones, do not feel at home in their adult relationships, they will be difficult to care for and may turn to their peers over their adults in terms of connection.
5 Ways to Play Matchmaker
The essence of matchmaking is being able to introduce a child and adult in a way that engages their attachment instincts and desire for contact and closeness. There are a number of strategies one can employ as a matchmaker; yet, it is as much about the science of attachment as it is the art of cultivating relationships.
- Take the lead
To be a matchmaker a parent needs to feel empowered in this role and be a little arrogant that they are the answer to ensuring two people have a relationship. For example, at a dentist or doctors office a parent needs to take the lead in introducing their child. When we have the attachment lead with a child, we need to guide them to other caring adults and show them we approve of the connection. We can’t assume that adults will collect our kids and start building a relationship with them. If we allow others to do the introductions for us, we are not in the lead. We were meant to point out to our children the people we believe to be their best bet for leaning upon.
- Look for sameness and similarities
One of the ways children feel connected to adults is through sameness, meaning they feel they have something in common with them. Being the same as someone is not as vulnerable as having to share your secrets or heart. As a matchmaker, parents need to work to prime the relationship, pointing our similarities and working hard to highlight areas of likeness. For example, one mother said her four year was having a hard time settling into kindergarten so she approached his teacher for help.
“I spoke with the teacher the other day about bringing my son in early so he could settle in when there was no one else around. He seems to be anxious when things are busy so we left early to get him there before all of the kids started trickling in. We then packed his dinosaurs to bring to school and spoke about how wonderful it was to bring things to share with his teacher and friends. His teacher noticed his tote when he walked in the class and asked questions about it and that seemed to make him super happy! And then they walked to the carpet and set up his toys. I gave him a high 5 and said his teacher and friends were going to be super happy to see what he brought! He then turned to me and waved goodbye!!! No tears, no fuss!”
There are many ways to draw out similarities, from similar interests, experiences, to desires. When kids feel that they have something in common with people that care for them, they are more likely to be more receptive to their care. The challenge is that a sense of sameness is often easier with their same aged peers which could come at the expense of their adult ones. This can lead to a host of problems including peer orientation where they are more influenced and take direction from their friends rather than adults.
- Foster a sense of approval and connection between the adults
When a parent demonstrates that they like another adult, a child will often follow their lead. On an instinctive level the child’s brain says, “If you like this person then I will like them too.” When they see us expressing warmth, delight and enjoyment to another person, they are likely to follow our lead. This requires us to be thoughtful in our conversations regarding the adults in their life and ensure what they hear preserves these relationships. For example, when a child has a new teacher it will be important to express approval and interest in this person, encouraging a child to share their daily experiences with them. It is important to not judge what these adults do in front of the child as we will run the risk of thwarting their relationship. If conversations are required regarding the child, then it is often best done without them being present.
- Create routines and rituals to foster connection
Creating a culture of attachment is best done through routines and rituals. Routines are great at orienting kids to the transition between their adults such as at drop off and pick up. This could include a standard hello as well as some simple conversation about everyday events like the weather or plans for the day. When a parent feels the child has connected to the adult they can say their goodbyes and leave swiftly. Hanging around to talk or prolonged goodbye often agitates young children as they don’t know who they should orient too.
One father told me his drop off included pretending he was a knight and telling his 4 year old that, “The warm hearted maiden, Angela, will care for you in my absence. You are in good stead with her my son.” With a bow to Angela and his son he left promptly. His son looked forward to each morning’s goodbye and Angela felt empowered in her caretaking role.
Rituals foster connection and a sense of community – from celebrating holidays to special occasions. When children see adults sharing food, eating meals together, gathering, playing games or going on outings, the sense of being cared for by a village is further highlighted. For young children gradual entry and school orientations are also important rituals which allow a child to warm up to a teacher or daycare provider and feel comfortable with them.
- Maintain a hierarchy of attachments
It is fine to introduce children to many adults as long as we keep their attachment hierarchy in place. The parent(s) need to be at the top of the hierarchy with all other adults falling under them. To ensure this, a parent needs to explain to whom a child should go to for help when needed.
If a child sees a parent being reprimanded, dismissed, or treated poorly by other adults, it can threaten their attachment hierarchy with the parent at the helm. If a parent needs support then it is best to do it in a way that preserves the parent role in the eyes of a child. Admonishing parents in front of their child can hurt a child in the long run. They need to feel and believe their parents know how to care for them, even if the parent needs support in being able to do this.
Hellos and goodbyes can be provocative for kids but they are made less so when kids feel connected to adults at each of these junctures. We can’t blame our kids for missing their favourite people but we can help them feel at home with other caring adults. What children need most is a network of caring adults. If we devote even half of our energy to this instead of focussing on peer to peer relationships, we could build a seamless attachment matrix around them.
Parents need to play matchmaker and introduce one’s children to the supporting cast of adults that will help raise them. Children shouldn’t have to question who is caring for them. They need to be free to play and focus on learning about who they are and what they can do.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and Director of the Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.
Why Shyness is Not a Disorder or Deficit in Kids
Shyness in children can be viewed negatively, especially in cultures that value gregariousness and extroversion. What isn’t well understood is that shyness is an attachment instinct that prevents children from being led by people outside of their village of connection. Shyness isn’t often celebrated nor seen as part of nature’s design to ensure that a child’s closest attachments will have the most influence over them.
The shyness instinct can makes its first appearance in a 6 to 7 month old child as stranger protest if development is ideal. Instead of being easily passed from person to person, a baby will start to show clear preferences for their favourite people, and greater signs of upset when separated from them. Attachment to others becomes highly polarized for a child with the world splitting into those they seek to be close to as well as those they shy away from. In other words, shyness is not a deficit in a child but a strategic move on nature’s part to ensure a child stays close to the people that are responsible for them (1).
Shyness is often also confused with social anxiety – fear or avoidance of social or interpersonal situations. The alarm experienced with social anxiety is intense, chronic, pervasive, and must exist for over a 6-month period in order to be diagnosed. Only ½ of the people diagnosed with social anxiety claim they are shy. Shyness on the other hand is viewed as a personality characteristic that varies in intensity among individuals. One can be shy but not be bothered by it (2).
Why Are Some Kids More Shy Than Others?
Research suggests there is a genetic predisposition for shyness instincts to be stronger in some children in comparison to others. After 30 years of research Jerome Kagan, a Harvard psychologist discovered temperamental differences in a child’s response to their world as young as 4 months old. Approximately 15 to 20% of children are born with more inhibited temperaments and demonstrate more reactivity to their environments giving rise to stronger shyness responses. As babies they were more upset by loud noises, had greater hand and leg activity, and displayed a higher heart rate in comparison to other children. By the age of two these children were more likely to hide behind a parent’s leg when a stranger entered their play area and were more likely to engage in solitary play by the age of seven. These children were more likely to be labeled as shy by their parents and teachers but only ¼ of them still demonstrated characteristics associated with shyness in adulthood (3).
This research has resonated with my experience as a parent in caring for my two very shy children. When they were 4 and 2 years of age I was in a store grocery shopping when a friendly older lady came up to us and smiled at them. She proceeded to ask them their names, telling them they were very cute and lovely. My eldest immediately stuck out her tongue while the youngest screamed as they both ran to hide behind my legs. The lady looked at me stunned and said, “Oh my that wasn’t very nice!” I turned to her and replied, “they are shy and don’t respond to strangers,” while proceeding to comfort my children. As I reflected on the incident later, there was part of me that wished I had said: “Children come with natural instincts to shy away from people that are not in their attachment village and have not been sanctioned by their closest attachments. There is nothing wrong with shy children but with a society that expects children to follow, be gregarious, talkative, and friendly with people they do not know.”
What is the Answer to Shyness?
Over the years I have been told at most parent and teacher interviews that my children are too quiet or shy in the classroom. Teachers typically request that I ask my children to speak up more and encourage them to put up their hand to answer questions. I am typically told that the remedy to their shyness, (as if it were a problem in the first place), is for them to have more playdates with their peers. I once joked with my daughter’s teacher that if she came over for a playdate I was sure it would help her settle into the new school year.
Parents of children with strong shyness instincts may compare their kids with their more gregarious same-aged counterparts. A shy child can appear less outgoing and more apprehensive in engaging in new situations. They may prefer to hang back and observe the field as well as withdraw when feeling threatened or overwhelmed. Many parents of shy kids tell me they wish their child would engage more and be less stirred up with angst as they struggle with separation anxiety with each new school year. As you might imagine, parents of shy kids remember being painfully shy themselves and don’t wish the same for their own children.
The good news is there is a natural solution to shyness. As Kagan argues, biology is not destiny. While some kids have a stronger genetic predisposition to shyness, healthy development as separate, social, and adaptive being is the ultimate answer to growing out of it. In truth, the shyness instincts don’t ever leave us, only the need to operate out of them as much.
The answer is to work at creating the conditions for healthy growth to unfold in a child. This requires deep attachments with adults and the freedom to play. The combination of rest and play will create an internal force in a child to become one’s own person and to express oneself on the world. By the time they are in grade 4 and 5 (approximately age 9 and 10), a shy child may seem to take a leap forward and become more adventurous. The more developed their ideas, meanings, intentions, interests, preferences, and desires have become, the more there is a desire to step into the world with these guiding them.
At the end of grade 4, one of my daughter’s announced to me that she wanted to go to a summer camp for two weeks full time, where she didn’t know anyone, and that involved being part of a play and producing it. At the end of two weeks I sat in the dark auditorium and watched her sing and dance across the stage, full of life. The same shy child that used to yell at strangers to stop looking at her at 18 months was now smiling and bursting with joy in front of over 200 strangers. While I was moved to tears she seemed to stand a little taller that day, more confident, more emergent, and assured that venturing outside her comfort zone had been worth the effort.
How Can We Support the Shy Child?
When a child operates out of their shyness instincts it is a cue to their adults to consider the context. Are they are attached to the people they are being left with? Do they consider these people to be part of their attachment village? Shyness instincts are present in every child and preserve the rightful place of their closest attachments to lead them. What every child needs when they are shy is an adult who can make sense of them and to consider the following strategies.
1. Non-shaming approach – When a child feels there is something wrong with who they are for not being more gregarious or engaged it can foster a sense of shame. A non-shaming approach might require giving them time to warm up and to settle into their new surroundings. It would mean not pushing them, but supporting them in taking steps forward when they are ready. There were few birthday parties that we attended when my children were young that didn’t require sitting on my lap for awhile before they felt comfortable to engage with other partygoers.
2. Let them play – The more developed the self becomes, the more force there is to express oneself and push through the instinct to shy away. Selfhood is cultivated in hours spent in play where a child is free to explore, discover, and hear echoes of who they are resonate in the world around them. In order to play kids needs spaces that are free of structured activities, schooling and instruction, devices that entertain or inform, and the pressure to perform or produce outcomes. Children are free to play when their hunger for contact and closeness is satiated and they can take for granted their adults will care for them. It will also help if adults have patience to draw out the shy child and listen to them as they report back on the world they see. Far too often the shy child is glossed over with the more talkative children grabbing adult attention. Taking the time to notice and attend to the quiet kids who also have rich internal worlds helps forward their individuation as separate beings.
3. Match-make them to adults in their attachment village – Matchmaking is an attachment ritual that serves to introduce a child to the adults in their village that will care for them. Parents need to take the lead in cultivating relationships between their children and grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, coaches, to dentists and doctors. When the dentist told my young daughter to open her mouth he was met with her steely eyes, pursed lips, and arms crossed in an act of refusal. I told her the dentist was someone Mommy liked and had asked for help in caring for her teeth. I told her to open her mouth for him so that he could make her teeth clean and she obeyed, albeit hesitantly. Children need to feel that there is an invisible matrix of adults surrounding them for the purpose of caretaking but it is their parents that must be the ones to forge ahead in building this village for them.
Shyness is a natural attachment instinct that is often treated as a deficit in a child rather than a strategic move on nature’s part to keep them attached to their caretakers. While the instinct to shy away from others never leaves us, the conflict we feel about this, along with healthy growth and development are the ultimate answers to being able to express ourselves more fully. If we truly want to help our kids with their shyness, we would start by not shaming them for something that is natural. Nature has an answer if we are patient and support the conditions for good growth.
Notes
(1) Neufeld, G. (2013). Making Sense of Kids Course, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, Canada, http://www.neufeldinstitute.org.
(2) Burstein M, Ameli-Grillon L, Merikangas KR. Shyness versus social phobia in US youth. Pediatrics. 2011;128:917-925. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/51721428_Shyness_Versus_Social_Phobia_in_US_Youth
Heiser NA, Turner SM, Beidel DC, et al. Differentiating social phobia from shyness. Journal of Anxiety Disorders. 2009;23:469-476. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2692184/
(3) Kagan, J. (1994). The nature of the child. New York: Basic Books.
Kagan J, Reznick JS, Snidman N, Gibbons J, Johnson MO. Childhood derivatives of inhibition and lack of inhibition to the unfamiliar. Child Development. 1988 Dec;59(6):1580-9. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3208569
Kuo, R. (March 4, 1991). Psychologist finds shyness inherited, but not permanent. The Harvard Crimson. Retrieved from http://www.thecrimson.com/article/1991/3/4/psychologist-finds-shyness-inherited-but-not/
Copyright 2016 Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, in private practice supporting families, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information.
Info graphic: When Saying Goodbye is Hard – 20 Ways to Bridge the Daytime Separation
Separation is provocative for kids because of their profound need for attachment. When we can’t be with our child to care for them, we need to make sure they are attached to the people we leave the mwith. We also need to ‘bridge the distance’ between us by giving them something to hold onto. This info graphic provides 20 different ways to bridge the daytime distance.
For help with Nighttime Separation see the info graphic – “When Saying Goodnight is Hard – 20 Ways to Bridge the Nighttime Separation”
To make further sense of separation anxiety and difficulties saying goodbye in kids, you can read more in Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one) – Chapter 8.
