Taking the Lead in Sibling Conflict
My younger sister used to poke me when I wouldn’t play with her. My first strategy was to tell her to leave me alone and when that didn’t work, I would ignore her, which also didn’t dissuade her. At some point I would become so frustrated that I would swat at her like a fly to make her go away. She would scream and cry and I would get in trouble, commensurate with the level of her distress and tears. As a child it seemed to me that the person who was bleeding, crying the loudest, or most upset—usually my sister— was uncritically deemed the victim with the perpetrator assumed by default. A swift verdict would follow.
There are few more provocative things for a parent than watching the children you love get hurt or hurt each other. Our instincts and emotions are there to protect and defend our kids and can kick into high gear when we witness acts of aggression, meanness, and immature behavior as our children attack each other. But our own impatience and annoyance can add more fuel to the fire of frustration that is already burning, and it can be costly to our relationships with them.
There is no greater test to a parent’s maturity than dealing with the immature ways of relating that our kids present. How do we bear witness to acts of aggression while keeping our cool and remaining in the role of the adult? And how do we lead through these difficult situations while protecting our relationship?
Them’s fighting words!
In the heat of the moment, your kids will tell you just about anything to get the heat off of them. We don’t need to follow our kids when it comes to discovering the reasons why they’re fighting but we will need to make sense of what is truly driving the problems between them. When you understand the roots of “misbehaviour,” it can be tackled it in meaningful ways that lead to change.
When kids fight, they are ultimately fueled by frustration, the emotion of change that wants something to stop or to be different. Children under the age of six don’t have sufficient brain development in the prefrontal cortex to temper strong emotions. Frustration can spill out of them unchecked by any braking mechanism in both verbal and physical forms of attack. Children under the age of three often unleash physically whereas older children have learned to use their words to attack. “I hate you and you are not coming to my birthday party” is a popular threat with the school-age set.
There are many factors that contribute to kids fighting with each other. Based on developmental science and my experience in private practice working with families, these are some of the most common.
You can’t always get what you want It is a sign of good development when a child has their own mind and can voice their needs, preferences, and desires. The challenge arises when they are engaging with other kids who don’t share those desires. Disagreements over how to play with something, what character they are, or the rules of the game can lead to frustration spewing forth. What we often miss is that each child is meant to develop their own will and it’s only because of their immaturity that they struggle to accept a difference of opinion with others, leaving them at an impasse and frustrated because they cannot solve it.
The futility that children will struggle with—that we are all challenged by—is that we can’t always get what we want. Not everyone wants to do it our way, nor shares our ideas and dreams, and one of the hardest lessons to learn is how to accept the things we cannot change. Kids are in the process of learning about the futilities of life and may need help coming to terms with something that is not going to go their way, even when there is a level playing field. For example, in a game they perceive to be losing, they may fight over the rules and try to force their agenda on their sibling. This is where it is important for adults to step in and reinforce the ground rules for interaction and game-playing.
When my eldest was five she loved playing cards but every time she started to lose she would tell her sister, “Well losers are the winners and winners are the losers.” As I kept a watchful ear on their playing I would often intervene and state something to the effect of, “No, that is not how the game is played. I understand you are frustrated with your cards but keep trying. There are some games you win and some you don’t.” There were many times she would just throw her cards into the air in frustration and I would declare her sister the winner. With time, patience, and support for her tears in the face of frustration, she learned to accept the futility of trying to change the rules to suit her. What helped me remain patient throughout these episodes is knowing that her immature way of relating was not personal but developmental, and that these were the teachable moments that helped me prepare her for a world where there is no shortage of disappointments.
It is also helpful to think ahead of problems and to set up interactions between kids with some guidance. You might say, “When you play together you are both going to have ideas and things you want. If you can’t figure it out then come and get me, or work together to compromise if you can.” Depending on the age of the child, different strategies may be used. Preschoolers will definitely need more direct help, but older children can become more skilled at navigating these differences, particularly if they care about playing together.
Territoriality and possessiveness We are thoroughly invested in having our children share and get along with each other, and have very little patience for disagreements. I often wonder if we have the same expectations of ourselves? After all, are we all that enthusiastic about handing over our cherished possessions for others to use? Don’t we also feel that instinctive reluctance to surrender things that we love?
We need to step back and consider whether we really don’t want our children to voice disagreement with others when their territory is under threat. What we should want is for them to know when to stand their ground to protect something of meaning as well as to know when to share. The challenge is that the instincts and emotions to protect one’s place are not bad, but they eventually need to be balanced by caring about others so that we can become socially responsible and emotionally generous, and that is where parents come in.
Part of maturity is being able to relate to others in a conscientious way and to share and work together towards a common goal. What children reveal is the chasm between primal territorial relating and this communal thinking. It is the role of adults in a child’s life to help close this gap by simply creating the conditions for good development that then naturally reach this end. This means providing enough attachment to satisfy their hunger for relationship and helping them begin to accept the futilities—like “You can’t have it! That’s mine!”—that are part of life.
When children are full of caring and can also consider the needs of others as well as theirs, they will have the necessary ingredients to share and get along better and temper their territorial instincts. But these developments occur at the earliest between 5 and 7 years with healthy brain integration. Until then, it is our job to simply and regularly communicate the value of sharing, the importance of having your own mind, and the reminder that you can’t always get what you want. Supervise young kids to prevent territorial disasters from unfolding and reaffirm that turn-taking is part of life, and that you are there to help them.
Attachment-seeking behavior Kids seek connection and when they are bored or hungry for attachment, they may seek each other out, especially if adults are not available. Just as with adults, the challenge is that sometimes kids don’t want to play with each other, or they just want to be on their own. This attachment- seeking energy is what drove my sister to poke at me, but I had other ideas for my time, like reading my books. When I wouldn’t reciprocate and give her connection, she continued to pester until things eventually erupted. In such situations, an adult needs to step in and provide the desired connection, redirecting away from using a sibling to fulfill their child’s attachment needs.
Displaced frustration One of things we often miss when our kids are frustrated with each other is that their emotions may have their roots in something other than the currently raging conflict. A child can be stirred up by something that didn’t go their way in an unrelated situation, and later take it out on their sibling. A brother or sister can be a lightning rod that unleashes emotional energy such as frustration.
One of the biggest sources of displaced frustration for a child is from relationships that do not work for them. It is often emotionally costly for a child in trouble to fight back against a displeased parent when their relationship may be on the line or they are overpowered, or when separation-based discipline is used (e.g., consequences and timeouts, which can also hurt the relationship). If a parent is upset with a child, then that same child can often turn around and unleash their frustration onto their sibling. The less a child feels emotionally safe in communicating their frustration to an adult, the more likely this frustration will be displaced onto the shoulders of other children.
The Heat is On
Making sense of the reasons why kids fight is helpful, but what do we do in the heat of the moment? The following strategies can help you consider how you might intervene in a way that preserves the dignity of everyone involved, as well as your relationship with each child.
Don’t play judge and jury Intervening in a way that doesn’t convict or lay blame on one side is important. Kids often will say, “You like them better,” communicating a sense of betrayal at the relational level. The bottom line is we don’t often know who is right or wrong but what we do know is they are having trouble, what they are doing is not okay, and that they need our help. While we can convey that the whole situation is not okay, we can also let them know we see they are both hurt, and that we believe they can do better. The idea is to get out of tricky and heated scenarios quickly and revisit them calmly when emotions are lower.
Come alongside each child If we could take a moment with each child to listen to their hurts, we would be better able to lead them through the big frustrations between them. This is often better done in privacy without the other child listening but it can be done on the spot too, conveying that we know there are hurt feelings all-round. When my sister was poking me I would have longed for someone to understand my frustration too, that I reacted because I was annoyed, and that my sister had to accept that I didn’t always want to play with her. When we react without recognizing both parties are hurt, we miss the opportunity to come to the child’s side, communicate we are there to help, and address things at a root emotional level.
Don’t force apologies Forced apologies lead to even more hurt feelings as the obvious lack of genuine caring stings you all over again. What we want is for our kids to feel genuine remorse and this can only come from a place of caring for another person. A cooling- off period is often needed when emotions are high, and when kids come back together to play they will quickly bring their caring to the surface again. When the caring is back, then cue-up the child to make amends. Reading picture books that portray what a real sorry looks like, as it does in The Sorry Plane, is helpful for normalizing frustration as well as conveying the importance of saying you’re sorry from a place of caring.
Get to the root emotion If children are constantly at each other’s throats, then we might need to step back and take a closer look at what is driving their frustration. Are they enduring a lot of change or hard times at school or in the home? Are there relationships that are important to them that are not working? It might be time to focus on your relationship with the child rather than dwelling on the relationship between the children in order to make headway.
Keep them moving Sometimes we don’t know what to do with our fighting kids but when we get in the lead, things are much more likely to straighten out. Sometimes we literally need to move them in a different direction: take them outside, get them engaged in a different activity, or spend some one-on-one time with them. When things are going sideways, take the lead and steer the energy into something less hurtful and more productive. Emotions have a way of taking care of themselves if we can keep our kids moving in a healthy direction.
When we see our children unleashing their frustration on each other, it’s better for everyone involved if an adult takes the lead and takes the heat off the child under attack. We can simply communicate that we see they are frustrated, we are there to help, and that siblings aren’t for attacking. Most kids understand to some degree that their siblings will get frustrated with them. What they have a harder time with is why their parents don’t intervene to help and provide reassurance that the problem isn’t them.
Perhaps if we could accept that kids are immature, that they will fight, and that this is part of our role as parents to help them navigate conflict, then we might find the patience we need when things are coming undone. It is hard to watch them hurt each other but our focus shouldn’t be on making them get along. As mature adults, we just need to make sure we continually express our caring as we deal with a (natural and temporary!) lack of caring in them. •
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca
This article first appeared in the Winter 2020 edition of EcoParent Magazine.
Steering Through Sibling Conflict Without Losing Your Relationship
Parents routinely believe the greatest gift they can give their child is a sibling to grow up with. This thought can be quickly shattered when these same children erupt and attack each other physically or verbally.
Wading into sibling conflict can feel like tricky territory. On one hand, a parent will feel propelled to protect a child who is under attack, but what is there to be done with your other child who is also full of frustration? Most importantly, how can adults lead through incidents while at the same time preserving their relationship with each child?
Sibling conflict is an area parents long for quick fixes. In reality, it is maturity that should provide the ultimate answer to their uncivilized ways of relating with each other but until then, we are going to have to take the lead. There are a few things to keep in mind as you try to take charge when kids are struggling with each other.
1. Assume responsibility for helping kids through the conflict
When kids struggle they need adults who will step in and take an active role in stabilizing the chaos that has erupted. This may mean dealing with things in the moment and simply addressing them with statements such as, “this isn’t working,” “this needs to stop,” “brothers aren’t for hitting,” or “sisters aren’t for yelling at.”
It is important to try and control the circumstances around the kids and not to try to control an out of control child. If they need to separate from each other, try to do it in a non-shaming way such as, “we need to take a break,” or “I am going to help you find something else to do because this is not working out right now.” You may also decide to address the problem between them at a time when they can emotionally hear you.
For kids it can also be a source of wounding when they see their adults fail to jump in to intervene in difficult situations with their siblings. Adults need to be counted on as protectors and guides so if they let a child down this way continuously, the relationship with their adult can suffer.
2. Protect your relationship with both children
In order to protect your relationship with both kids, it is best not to play the role of judge and jury. If the focus on intervening is about fairness and understanding who is to blame, at some point one child will feel you are being less loyal to them and the incident will quickly transform into a relational one with you.
What you can do instead is to listen and acknowledge each child’s side and their frustration, for example, “you are upset because your sister yelled at you,” and “you are upset because you were pushed in return.” While letting them know this isn’t how we deal with problems, you can convey that you understand how they are feeling. To come to each child’s side emotionally conveys that you are with them, and allows you to address the problem with their behaviour. For example, “I see you are both upset so I am going to help you with how we are going to share this toy.” With older kids who have a hard day at school and are taking their frustration out on a sibling, you might come alongside them and say, “I can see you had a frustrating day and it needs to come out, your younger sister is not the person this should happen with. I am here and I will help you with this.”
When you focus on helping kids understand the emotions that drove them to act immature, then you are better positioned to help them act differently the next time. It is emotion that drives behaviour and that is where we want to do our work.
In order to hold onto more than one child at the same time, it is also important to bridge the problem behaviour and convey a desire to be with each child despite conduct. If it is necessary to talk to each child later, after the incident, it may be best to do this one on one rather than together.
3. Use your relationship to solicit good intentions
While kids may act mature, the stronger your relationship with them, the more you can influence them to act differently the next time they are having problems. In debriefing incidents you can solicit their good intentions by asking them to, “call me when you need help,” or “share your toys and take turns,” or “use your words to communicate.” While they may still lose their good intentions in the heat of the moment, it does pave the way for them to consider how they can act differently and reiterates your expectations.
It also helps to keep in mind that when kids are emotionally overloaded, they know much better than they can behave (this goes for adults too). Emotional maturity takes time and patience. We need to keep our relationship with our kids strong so they can continue to mature and be guided by us.
4. Impose order through structure and routine
When kids struggle with each another it may be helpful to consider the overall structure they are operating under as well as imposing some routine. For example, if young kids are left alone, it is likely they will engage in territorial battles over toys or people. This is the same for poorly supervised playgrounds and school recesses.
An important part of a child’s environment and structure should involve supervision by adults who can step in and provide guidance for their interactions. For older kids it might involve being in earshot so as to counter inappropriate ways of relating.
In terms of routine, when things are left open to interpretation, there is more leeway to fight over how things should be done. If you have specific routines in place such as who goes first, and how you rotate this between kids, to how you will share things, there is less that is up for grabs.
5. Strengthen the relationship between siblings through matchmaking.
To cultivate a stronger attachment between siblings, it is helpful to play matchmaker by pointing out their similarities and areas of sameness. To activate their instincts of belonging and loyalty, get them working together on something or playing and having fun with you.
It is also helpful to enlist the older child to take on a ‘big sibling’ role and point them towards helping their sibling. When a child is in the position of helper, it will move them out of competing and into the position of caring.
When Sibling Conflict is Chronic
If there seems to be an increasing level or high amount of foul frustration directed at a sibling, or back and forth between them, then it may be important to consider the source of what is not working. Frustration is often displaced onto siblings and is not necessarily directed at the people or situations that provoked these feelings in the first place.
- Consider if you are exacerbating a child’s frustration because of how you deal with their sibling conflict or how you discipline them overall. If your interactions suggest to a child that there is little invitation for contact and closeness, then you may be creating more frustration as you deal with their frustration. In this case, it will be important to focus on restoring the relationship and coming alongside their emotions while conveying what isn’t working. For example, you might say, “I know you are frustrated that your brother doesn’t want to play with you right now. I am here to help you with this and brothers are not for calling names just because you can’t get what you want.”
- Consider what relationships in their world are not working well for them. Are they missing a parent who is away, sick, travelling, or due to a divorce or separation? Are they having trouble with their peers at school or a teacher? Are there places they want to belong but are left out or feeling rejected in? Are they struggling with school work or some other frustration filled event? If they don’t talk about their daily frustration with you then perhaps strengthening your relationship might help draw them closer so they will. When a child is full of attacking energy it is important not to lose our intuition about the frustration that is driving it.
- Consider whether they still have a soft heart and their tears. In other words, do you see signs of caring as well as a child being moved to sadness with certain people or under specific situations? If these softer feelings are reduced or disappearing, this may be from increasing emotional inhibition due to being overloaded and hurt. In this situation, it would be important to use structure and routine, as well as supervision to prevent wounding to the child as well as others, while at the same time working to reduce their overload by building a stronger relationship with them. When the caring returns, a child will be less likely to erupt with acts of foul frustration.
The only way to truly avoid sibling conflict is to only have one child. Conflict is something that comes with the territory of taking care of more than one immature being at a time. Conflict is also part of human relationships as we navigate having different feelings and needs from each other.
We need to lead through conflict, preserve our relationship with each child, and help them understand the emotions that drive them. We need to preserve order, point them towards a more civilized form of relating and be patient until maturity delivers, with our help, an emotionally mature, reflective, independent, and tempered individual. Until that time – kids will get frustrated and we will need to lead them through it.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.