It is not unusual to see a child stomp in frustration, yell when they’re upset, and drag their heels when they feel hurried. Even after a good or uneventful day at daycare or school, meltdowns may appear later at home in the form of resistance over chores or homework. Parents may feel bewildered by the extreme emotional reactions they witness in their kids—after all, haven’t they been told a hundred times to use their words and communicate clearly to get what they want?
Emotions are invisible and mysterious, while actions are anything but and often distract us from the real problem. What we need to remember about emotions is that they, themselves, are not problems, but they are trying to solve them. Their cries of alarm or frustration are meant to get our attention so we can help fix or change what is not working, or help them adapt. The challenge is that sometimes the way a child expresses their emotions can create problems for the people around them. If you want to know what emotion a child is experiencing, then you only need to consider their behaviour and how they are moving in the world. A child who feels secure may venture out to play, getting lost in discovery and exploration; but a scared child will run for safety to a parent and a frustrated one may angrily lash out when feeling thwarted.
When a child’s behaviour is difficult, we can become preoccupied with reinforcing rules and expectations while losing sight of how emotions, a brilliant system of communication, are driving a child from within. How we respond to a child when their behaviour is emotionally fuelled is key to helping them become more mature— but many “disciplinary” practices can make matters worse and fan the flames of upset, leaving us not only no further ahead, but actually working against us.
THE NECESSITY OF Expression
Emotional health cannot be achieved if emotions cannot be expressed. The force they exert compels them to come out of us in some way. Young children are just learning about their emotions and are naturally often at a loss for words or any insight into what they are feeling. With maturity we should acquire a vocabulary to match our feelings and use it to communicate them in (hopefully) more respectful ways. But this is the end goal and never the place we start from. This is where parents and caretakers must come in and help teach not just words, but a language of the heart.
Simply shouting, “Cut it out!” and “Calm down!” can do more harm than good. Just like a pressure cooker, when emotions are bottled up, they often lead to uncontrolled explosions. The idea that we must, from day one, suppress our emotions fails to recognize that they need to move through us so they can communicate that something is working or not working, especially when we’re too young to articulate it. Our emotional world is a source of intelligence when it come to our needs, and it will do anything in its power to meet those needs.
What many people don’t realize is that young kids can’t regulate their emotions due to immature brains. It takes five to seven years of healthy brain development to create the neural pathways required to integrate strong emotions and provide impulse control. Until that time, adults, and not preschooler brains, are the only tempering agent children have to help regulate their emotions and behaviour. The crux of this job is to prevent them from hurting themselves or others with impulsive reactions, and not to prohibit them from having feelings or expressing them. Methods like separation punishment, withholding affection, or yelling are solutions that solve nothing in the long term and only serve to cultivate a deeper uncertainty about your relationship.
THE DANGERS OF Suppression
We need to make it safe for our kids to express their emotions and convey that we are there to help them through their big feelings. The goal is not to try and make our children feelanything differently, it is rather to support and model the movement of those emotions so they can learn to understand and exert influence over their expression.
One key to supporting a child is to make sure our reactions to their emotions don’t create more distress for them (and therefore, in turn, us) nor communicate a diminished desire to care for them. If their behaviour leads to a more insecure relationship with an adult, then their brain may “press down” on their emotions in order to preserve their connection. This is a costly move—one that inhibits emotional development and prevents the adult from being able to help forward maturity in the child by creating an atmosphere of insecurity.
The prevalent forms of discipline used with children either take away what a child cares about or remove them from the people they want to be close to. These tactics communicate that there is no expression without undesirable repercussion: What you say or do may be held against you where it hurts the most. If you have to be “good”, even when you’re feeling bad, and expressing your feelings leads to separation, then emotional expression will indeed decrease, but in its place will easily grow more anxiety and aggression.
THE PATH TO MATURE Expression
The good news is there are many natural ways we can make room for our children’s emotions, nurture their brains to manage emotions well, and preserve their well-being. It is also possible to set limits with children while still conveying we are there to help with their upset. The objective is not to stop expression but to give it some room to move, and, importantly, to avoid any damage to the relationship so that development continues to move in a healthy direction guided by a capable and trusted parent.
Play it out
One of the natural ways children express emotion is during play where there are no real outcomes or consequences. As developmentalist Lawrence Cohen states, “Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day. Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” If we want to help children release their emotions, then we need to create the conditions for play.
True play is when a child is free to engage with their surroundings and nothing is taken at face value. Their frustration is expressed through creating, building, destroying, or transforming objects around them. Emotions such as alarm can be discharged through play that incorporates some fear like pretend monsters, being chased or rescued, having to hide to avoid capture, or surviving on your own. The child is able to express themselves without repercussion in the safety of play, often emerging from it softer and more emotionally vulnerable.
The role of adults is to provide and protect the places where children can play and invite them to experience music, stories, art, dance, or motion, all of which help their emotional systems discharge and recalibrate. The research on the correlation between loss of play and emotional problems in kids is substantial. The message is clear: Caregivers need to be play advocates when it comes to children’s emotional health and well-being.
Heart to heart
To come to a child’s side means to take a supportive role and not an adversarial one when dealing with their behaviour and emotion. While we don’t have to agree with them about their behaviour or even the “reasons” for it, we can connect with them at the heart level and try to empathize with them there. Acknowledging the emotion that is underneath their behaviour will increase their sense of connectedness to us. When we say, “You seem like you had a long day at school and are tired and frustrated” or “Help me understand what is stirring you up” we are inviting them to put into words the emotions that are driving them—which is both exactly what they need to hear and exactly what we want to teach. When we put the focus on the emotion instead of the behaviour and encourage them to express themselves, we learn to work together to find a way through the challenges.
It is also important that we don’t focus on our own emotions about their behaviour. We don’t need to communicate to our children how we feel, which could further overwhelm them and give them more emotion, not less, to deal with. It is also not our children’s job to care for our feelings. In revealing our struggles with a child, we may inadvertently convey that we don’t know what to do with them, thus alarming and frustrating them further.
As we come alongside and help them find and use words for their experiences, we will teach them a language of the heart. With words to communicate their emotional world and brain development that allows impulse control, both of which happen in supportive and safe environment, a child will naturally become more emotionally mature. I still remember the day my daughter proudly told me that her hand wanted to hit something because she was frustrated but it didn’t and that this was a good thing.
Daily debrief
There are a number of daily rituals that help us check in and debrief with our kids on their experiences and emotions. There is something unique about bedtime and having a parent’s undivided attention that makes a child want to talk. It is often here they may tell you about hard parts of their day or other stories about how they are feeling. As we listen and reflect on their emotions, we will be helping them to make sense of things and forward their emotional development.
Morning rituals can also help a child settle into their day, including reading books at cuddle time. Slowing down and making room for connection and orienting to the plan for the day without rushing can go a long way toward preventing emotional upset and upheaval. Shared mealtimes are an excellent time to check in with each other. Sometimes the after-school pick-up or ride home from daycare is a good time to connect and listen too.
There is nothing like the force of an immature child to test the emotional maturity of adults. The challenge is to not let our own emotions get the better of us and take it out on them. Emotional maturity takes time and patience and is as sophisticated as cognitive development. Kids need loving support, emotional guides, and caregivers who show they believe that maturity is around the corner by allowing their emotions to play out safely through their natural course. •
This article first appeared in the Spring 2021 edition of EcoParent Magazine
Copyright — Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca
Re-entry has begun and we are now preparing to return to parts of our lives, like work and schooling, without knowing exactly what this looks like. How do we lead our children? What do they need from us? Can they adapt to the new realities of social distancing at schools and will this create anxiety and emotional problems for them? These are just a few of the questions I have been asked by parents but center around the question of – how do I lead my child(ren) back to school?
Will our kids feel safe?
Safety is an illusion and telling our children that they won’t get covid, or that we won’t get covid is not the best way to make them feel safe. Safety has much less to do with their surroundings and more to do with their connection to adults. Assuring our children that they will be ‘okay’ is far less effective when it comes to feeling secure than making sure they feel taken care of by us. In order to understand why this is so we will need to understand something about attachment and why it matters to kids.
Children are not able to take care of themselves and they can’t make sense of the world like an adult does. It is their dependency on adults that makes them feel secure as they look to them for protection, guidance, and direction. The relationship with an adult is like an emotional bubble that preserves the child’s heart. When a child is afraid, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it is this relational bubble that can provide a safe place to retreat to. Home is where the heart is, and we need our children to give their hearts to us for safe keeping.
A child doesn’t feel lost when they can count on their adults to show up for them and to lead. It doesn’t mean that all the threats in their life disappear and that they can’t be hurt, but that they are shielded from this reality as they trust their adults to lead and to provide for them. Where they are confused, they should look to their adults to lead the way and for their adults to be responsible for figuring out issues of safety.
How can parents and teachers lead?
- We can work on taking care of our kids by being their compass point, caring for them in unexpected ways, providing more than they seek, listening with our full attention, and taking the lead in feeding them
- We can take the lead in matchmaking our kids to their teachers and strengthening that connection. We can remind our children that their teachers have missed them and can be trusted to lean on.
- We don’t know all of the details about what school will look like as they re-enter, but we can direct them to their teacher who will tell them what they need to know
- We can’t say ‘everything will be okay’ as we can’t know the future but we can say that we will take care of them and they can count on that
If there was ever a time that we needed our children to rest in our care, it is now. We need to work to strengthen and preserve our relationship with them, providing more contact and closeness than they ask for and being generous in our capacity to make room for their big emotions like frustration, resistance, and fear. We need to take the lead and make decisions about schooling and whether to send them back to school.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to lead when we are full of doubts. Leadership can feel lonely and we may feel guilty as well. These are the emotions that come with parenting and we can care for our kids and lead them through these challenging times, despite all that we are feeling.
How will our kids adjust to the new restrictions and rules around social distancing?
The question of how classrooms will look and whether our children will adjust to them is understandably a big concern for parents. Schools and teachers have been working hard trying to figure these things out and should have started communicating the changes that have been put into place to parents. We can help orient our children to the changes by following the lead of the school and sharing the information they provide, for example, what supplies they can bring to school, guidelines for eating lunch, washing hands, and playing.
When we communicate information to a child that might alarm them it is best to do this in a matter of fact and non-alarming tone and manner. For example, this is how flight attendants give safety demonstrations on planes and it is how we lead our children through fire drills, lock down drills, and earthquake preparedness. Simple scripts and directions help to reduce fear and give the child a sense of agency.
One of the ways schools will be helping children adjust to the new rules around social distancing is by taking a playful approach. For example, we can sing songs to know how long to wash our hands to using hula hoops to understand social distancing. These playful approaches are strategic in helping kids adapt to new rules, experience less fear, and be less resistant to changes. Some parents might be concerned that schools aren’t taking matters more ‘seriously’ but we need to remember that play promotes feelings of safety and rest. It will take the attention off the risks and put the focus on the rules which will help our kids adjust to the new safety measures at school.
How can parents and teachers lead?
- Support play as a way to learn about social distancing and the new rules and restrictions
- Show support for the school and teachers by positively addressing the changes they have made
- If you have concerns about the changes at the school then direct these to the appropriate adults without your child’s involvement or awareness. It is key that your child trusts their teacher even if you are working through your concerns with the school
- Matchmake your child to their teacher and the school by affirming that their teacher will take care of them
Will this impact their emotional well-being and create anxiety?
Some parents are concerned that sending their child to school will create anxiety and stress. To answer this question, we will first need to consider where anxiety and stress comes from. Stress arises when you are emotionally overloaded and can’t make sense of everything in your life, and anxiety is a sure sign of this. It is important to remember that it isn’t school that is stressful per se (although there will be stressors there for sure), but that it creates separation from home and their trusted adults. Separation anxiety is from alarm at being disconnected from their caregivers and leads the child to question- “Who will take care of me now?”
If a child trusts their teacher and the adults at school to care for them then the separation from home won’t be as alarming and they will feel ‘safer’ in the care of their teachers and school. Kids feel highly alarmed when they anticipate the world is going to hurt them and there are no adults to support or take care of them. The answer is to foster a strong relationship with their teacher and make a seamless attachment team between the home and school. Parents can bridge the distance by giving the child something to hold onto that represents their relationship – a reminder of what they will do after school, an invisible string that connects them, to a picture of their family in their lunch box.
Our children can also be experiencing a range of emotions as a result of all the changes in their life. There may be frustration that they can’t be with their friends, play where they want to, and have a limited space to move in. They may be resistant to go back to school because they have enjoyed the extra time to play and the freedom from doing work while at home. Some kids are excited to go back to school and see people whereas some of our children are worried they will get sick with covid. What is the answer to all of our children’s emotions?
Emotional health and well-being requires emotional expression and for kids it helps to have someone who will listen to you. We can help our kids talk to us by acknowledging the frustration or sadness they are experiencing. Sometimes parents are worried that if they allow their children to feel sad or worried then it will never stop and their child will just ‘learn’ to be this way. This is not accurate and the more we tell someone NOT to feel, the more feelings it will create. Emotions are not right or wrong, good or bad. Emotions are here to serve us and have an intelligence all on their own. The challenge is being patient with our kid’s feelings and giving them enough room to express them.
Many parents ask how they can get their child to talk to them and the answer lies again in your connection. Find some time to spend with them one on one and just enjoy being with them. As you play together, share a hobby, or go outside together, listen with your undivided attention. Be neutral as they share their ideas and feelings with you, acknowledging how they feel – rather than how you feel about how they are feeling. When children feel the conversation has become about meeting the parents needs, they can stop talking.
If words are hard to find then play is a wonderful place to soften feelings. The very nature of play – not being real or requiring you to work at a problem, allows for feelings to be expressed without words nor consciousness. If a child is frustrated then play that changes things such as building things, destroying, putting together, taking apart, mock aggression, wrestling, arts and crafts may be helpful. If a child is alarmed you may want to play more hide and seek, building forts and hideaways, monster games, chase and so on. If your child has few words, then lead them to their expressive play.
We will likely have to make some room for frustration and some tears too. There are so many futilities that come with the changes at school – from social distancing, to missing home, that our children may be emotionally charged and on need of release. Part of the “emotional homework’ we do with our kids is to help them express what didn’t work and lead them through frustration and to disappointment and sadness. Sometimes there are many things we cannot change but we can adapt and adjust if we make room for emotion.
How can parents and teachers lead?
- Bridge the home to school divide by giving your child something to hold onto that represents your relationship (i.e., what you will do after school, a picture in their lunch box
- Listen to your child with your undivided attention and make time to just be together
- Don’t judge how your child is feeling, and don’t act defensively about what they are telling you, or try to talk them out of their emotions
- If your child is resistant to go to school you might need to explore why, come alongside their lack of desire to return, and perhaps have some tears about it
- Make room for play – especially after school which can help provide some emotional discharge
- Tears can be helpful in releasing alarm and you can support your child this way by naming the things that are frustrating and acknowledge how sad it is
- Hold onto your relationship with your child and use this as the safe vehicle to help them express what is stirring them up inside
What about learning?
There is an order to what is most important when you are under stress. Relationship comes first, with play and tears next. Learning happens best when we feel safe in our relationship with adults or when we are at play. Helping our kids feel safe again at school, making sure they trust in their teacher to care for them, and getting our children to express themselves emotionally, are all things that must take precedence over learning.
Learning is easy when kids feel safe. Learning is hard when a child’s brain is preoccupied with questions of security and when it is emotionally overloaded. If we work to create the rest our kids need then the learning will come.
At this time the world may feel out of sorts and upside down for a child and our priority is to make them feel at home again with the adults who are there to care for them. Humans are resourceful, resilient, and amazing in their capacity to care for each other. With enough patience and focusing on what matters most of all, we can carry our children through this storm, taking comfort they are shielded from the worst because we are taking the lead.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.
The most important message our kids need to hear right now is now about what co-vid19 is, but about who their adults are – the people who will care for them and carry them through this storm.
DR DEBORAH MACNAMARA
KiDS NEWS & REViEWS: Parents want to be honest but not terrify their children at this time. What would you recommend we tell our kids? What should they know and what can they handle? What is helpful and what is detrimental to share and discuss? Can you break this down for us by age groups.
DEBORAH: The most important message that our kids need to hear in relation to Covid-19 is that we will take care of them and get through this difficult time. While we don’t have all the answers about Covid-19, the reality is that information doesn’t make a child feel secure – relationships do.
The challenge is that we are struggling with our own alarm about Covid-19. This includes our worries about loved ones (some of whom are on the front lines), financial issues, as well our own health. We watch in horror as this invisible virus moves across the earth at lightning speed, upending life as we once knew it. You might wonder if it’s possible to make a child feel safe in a storm of this magnitude? The answer is yes, because safety is about human attachment and we do have control over this.
Our children may have questions about why they aren’t in school, why they have to wash their hands so much, or can’t see other people right now. There are many places to go online for information about Covid-19 in terms of the facts. As parents, we can interpret this information to our children according to their level of understanding in a non-alarming tone and manner. In explaining Covid-19 to them we should consider the following:
- What is the child’s age and developmental readiness, that is, what are they going to understand? A preschooler doesn’t understand the big picture whereas a teen is looking to their future and what it means for them in terms of schooling and their life. For a preschooler we might give a simple statement about what is happening, whereas for a teen, we might spend more time hearing about their thoughts and feelings.
- Be clear and simple in your response – be concrete and don’t speculate on what might happen.
- Reassure them that you believe there is a way through, and that you trust the adults who are working hard to help people who get sick. If you have people in your life who are sick with Covid-19, make sure you repeat this to them often.
- It is important to help a child express their thoughts and feelings. We may have strong ideas about what this means for us as well as our own frustration about it, but this is not what our children need. They are trying to make sense of their emotions and cannot handle ours on top of that. We need to show up and be there to guide them through this, not make them responsible for our emotions or insecurities.
Honesty is an incredibly important virtue but that does not mean we have to be upfront and explicitly honest with our children about what has happened and what might happen with Covid-19. We need to think developmentally and what is appropriate to share and conceal to a child or a teen. The bottom line is we must give them a sense we will figure things out in the days ahead.
KiDS NEWS & REViEWS: I know each family is different but what general tips or advice would you like to offer parents while they are adjusting to all being housebound together.
DEBORAH: It is obvious to say but bears repeating that we need to be thoughtful about the amount of change that has happened in such a short time period, as well as the stress that comes with it. As we come together and frustration increases, a heavy dose of grace, mercy, and forgiveness for each other is likely good medicine for everyone. Besides being thoughtful and patient with each other and ourselves, the following strategies may be helpful too.
Structure & Routine – We all seem to have different comfort levels and ideas about structure and routine in our lives with some people finding it restrictive while others finding comfort in it. What is true for kids is that having some predictability to their day is not only a comfort, but will also help with their emotions and feelings of security. If you watch what professional childcare providers and preschool teachers do, you will see how effective they are in creating some order to the day, including routine songs to signal when it is time to clean up. Structure and routine is one of the biggest things they rely on to help the kids know when it is time to play, to eat, to sleep, and to have quiet time.
When children can anticipate what will come next there can be less energy required to get them to transition. They are also more likely to follow the adult, and they are less likely to ask repeated questions such as, “what is the plan for the day.”
It is helpful to get them moving in the direction you want before they are moving in the direction you don’t want.
DR DEBORAH MACNAMARA
Morning times may be reserved for high energy activities aimed at tiring them out and burning off steam such as dance parties, to building forts, to obstacle courses.
It may be helpful to sketch out a rough idea for the flow of your day including eating, sleeping routines, as well as play and/or learning. If you try it out and it doesn’t work, then the next day can bring a new routine and flow with it too. Humans are adaptable and we can adjust to new routines and ways of being. The important thing is for adults to lead kids into these routines – for our own sanity and their security.
Play helps release emotions and to reduce alarm. You might think play is frivolous time, but the science of play demonstrates its critical importance in helping to cope with emotions and to reduce anxiety.
When we are facing separation and stressful situations, our emotional system can get busy with three powerful emotions – frustration, alarm, and intense pursuit for connection.
DR DEBORAH MACNAMARA
These emotions can lead to problems such as angry outbursts, anxiety, and restless energy. Play is the best release for these emotions because it isn’t real, doesn’t count for anything or have consequences, and allows for emotional expression without repercussion to one’s closest relationships. In other words, you shouldn’t be getting into trouble for something that isn’t real and doesn’t really hurt anyone. The challenge of stress is how it can stir up overwhelming emotions that we don’t have names for and can’t be expressed. Children often don’t have a conscious awareness of how they are stirred up and this is where play comes in.
The kind of play I am talking about can be done on their own (this is really beneficial for their development), with you, and/or other children in the same house. You may want to gather your kids in the morning and play or do activities, while setting up a routine for quiet time or play in the afternoon. If they are playing, it can give you the time you need to get other things done as well. For the most part, video games, TV and screen time that is entertainment based are really not true play but they may be required ‘babysitters’ when sanity and boiling frustration are on the line, in other words – use them as a last resort if you can.
Focus on the here and now – In times of stress, our emotions can spill out of us over the smallest of things. This is usually a sign we are overwhelmed and overloaded. Some of the strategies we use in counselling when emotions are too big are called ‘grounding.’ This means you just focus on something else in detail – like going outside for a breath of fresh air, play some music and really listen to it, stare at your favourite picture and really see all the details in it. By paying attention to something else for a short break, you can help your emotions settle a bit and provide yourself with some emotional rest.
Each day is a new one, and sometimes in the middle of stress we just need to focus on what is right in front of us. Don’t have expectations of yourself that are unrealistic, while at the same time, don’t count yourself out as being able to figure out a way through all of this.
Learning can be fun and playful – Many parents are rightly concerned about the loss of a couple of months of school. Some kids will better accept their parent in a teaching role than others. Some kids will want to preserve their parent as a Mom or Dad but there is a way around all of this. The trick is to make learning fun which will serve to protect our role with them and reduce a child’s resistance to learning. If school is ‘work’ we may find more resistance to our requests, but if we inject some fun into it with contests or games, kids will likely play along and learn at the same time.
The important thing to remember is that we need to lead through this time of great uncertainty and stress. This means we watch for signs when our kids are struggling such a stomach aches which could mean anxiety, to nightmares. We need to lead them to eat, to play, to sleep, to wash their hands, and more. This is best done through relationship and conveying a sense of delight, enjoyment, and warmth.
I wish you and your family all the best in these trying times.
Lorrie Holmes, is the Editor of Kids News & Reviews which is a popular blog followed by kids, parents, and early childhood educators & experts and also elementary school teachers.
Learning To Cope During These Stressful Times
Mommy! I had a bad dream!” my daughter yelled one night after being “asleep” for five minutes. As I returned to her room and sat with her, she told me she had a dream that the roof of the house had been ripped off by wind and she was sucked up to Jupiter, and I couldn’t get her back.
“Jupiter?” I said. “That would be scary and that is a really long way from home.” She nodded with her wide eyes darting around the room. I added, “Do you really think I couldn’t get you back from there?” She looked unsure. I said, “Nothing is strong enough to keep me from taking care of you: not wind or space travel to Jupiter.” Shelooked pleased but the irony of my statement hit me: neither Jupiter nor the wind would be strong enough to keep me away but my own need for both sleep and having to work at night certainly was.
For many parents who still have work left to do in the evening, or even those who just need a little quiet time to themselves, this nighttime neediness can be exhausting. How do we show up as generous and caring parents at night with so many competing needs? Some families are able to solve the issue by co-sleeping with their kids and while this practice happens all over the world, each family differs in their bedtime choices and capacities.
THE SEPARATION MONSTER
Part of understanding sleep challenges in kids is making sense of why monsters and bad thoughts can appear at night. For many kids, monsters don’t appear because they have learned about monsters; rather, it is facing separation that makes the monsters appear in the first place. Monsters or other scary things are not uncommon in a two- to three-year-old as their brain develops with increasing consciousness and imagination, allowing for sophisticated stories and images. Monsters, like separation, pose the threat of taking you away from the people you want to be with. Nighttime is the biggest separation kids face because their unconscious, and indeed their separate bedroom, takes them away from their caretakers. In short, nighttime = separation = monsters.
When separation is present, a child can have a huge emotional response including clingy pursuit, frustration, and alarm. These emotions can fuel behaviour like excess bedtime energy, tears, tantrums, and refusing to listen to directions. As a child gets stirred up with emotion at night, their parents are often not far behind. But the dance of frustration set to the music of inflamed emotion does not have to be the result of bedtime battles. There is a better way and it starts by reducing separation.
FROM MATURITY TO INDEPENDENCE
Separation is provocative for young kids because, as nature intends, they are not ready to take care of themselves and are highly dependent on adults. A child needs five to six years of strong, reliable, generous care given by an adult in order to grow into a separate self. At three years of age a child is often overhead as saying, “I do it myself” or “Me do”—a clear sign they are moving towards independence. By the time they are six years of age (with stable, healthy development), their brains are more suited for separation from caretakers and they are ready to head to school.
A common myth held about young children is that they must practice at separating from us in order to grow up. This is false, and in fact quite the opposite is true. Once they are more mature and independent, they will then naturally detach from us. It is nature that grows a child up and makes them want to do things for themselves. It is our job to figure out how to hold onto them until their maturity takes the lead and pushes them towards more separate functioning.
FROM SCARED TO SECURE
If separation is the problem, then attachment is the cure. It seems counterintuitive, but to help a child with separation at night we need to help them feel closer to us, not convince them to stay away. When a child can take a parent’s presence for granted, they won’t feel motivated to cling or chase the parent in desperation, nor be emotionally stirred up. What doesn’t work is underscoring separation with statements such as: “I am leaving in 5 minutes, you need to stay in your room,” or “I don’t want to see you until the morning.” There are many ways we can increase connection with young kids, and it starts by taking the lead in matters of attachment and relationship.
Take the lead in holding on
Understand that a child isn’t trying to give us a hard time at night but is having a hard time because of their immaturity and fear of being separate. Just as when they struggle with other challenges, it should help us find more generosity. It also helps to understand that while we can’t make a child sleep, we can pave a warm relational path to help them get there.
Accept that we are the ones responsible for steering a child through the challenges at night rather than blaming them for their “failure”; or unleashing frustration onto them instead of helping them with
their emotions. When a child can rest in a parent’s care emotionally, then the monsters are less formidable, and nighttime can be a time they associate with contact and closeness.
Examine what we can change and what we cannot. Perhaps we need to ask for help, reduce responsibilities, or plan differently. The list of things that interfere with bedtime tranquility may be endless but what is important is that the adult seize the steering wheel in reducing separation at night and holding on to the child emotionally.
Bridge the nighttime divide
Prepare your child for the goodbyes and plan for the next hello. Holding on to a child doesn’t mean you can’t separate from them; it means that you offer them a bridge to the next point of contact. When a child focusses on your return rather than the goodbye, then the separation they feel is diminished. When you take the lead and plan for the next hello, then, despite the monsters, the child can rest easy that there will be a next hello and that you are planning for it. This might mean talking about what you are going to do the next day or in the week ahead. It might involve laying out clothes for the morning or picking out a book to read together before breakfast.
Reassure and bridge the nighttime with check-ins or reminders for them to listen for your sounds as you clean the dishes or work on the computer. You might come and visit them and give them a paper heart that you put kisses in, or you might fluff up their pillow and fill it with “never-ending hugs.” Whatever you choose to do, the message should be that there is always some connection to be anticipated and the parent has the job of remembering it.
Listen generously to their stories
Engage with your child as evening settles in. There is something special about nighttime chats with a young child. As everything comes to a still point at the end of the day, their little minds start asking questions and their imagination comes to life. Some of the best conversations you can have with a young child are when they have your undivided attention and are moved to share their ideas and feelings with your undistracted self. You become their counsellor, their confidante, and their consultant in those priceless nighttime chats. Most importantly, you will become irreplaceable as you spend your time enthusiastically inviting their ideas in.
Regale your little ones with bedtime stories about when they were younger. They often like to hear funny stories of things they did, or what you did when you were a child. In sharing stories, we transmit more than just facts. We reveal our values and our thoughts about who we are and who they are to us.
Soon enough our children will grow and become more independent and need us less. We don’t need to hold it against a child that separation is so hard, that monsters appear, or that dreams are scary. Instead, take delight that we can bring such comfort. It is a testament to our relationship that our kids want to turn to us for contact and closeness. The secret to bedtimes is helping a child see that it’s not their job to strive to hold on to us but to take for granted that we won’t let go of them. When they take this to heart,they can better rest and separate into sleep. •
This article first appeared in EcoParent, Fall 2019
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Bossy, commanding, demanding, insatiable, frustrated, restless, and resistant are just a few of the words used to describe the behaviour of children who act like they are in charge of their adults. These characteristics are not genetic, learned, nor can they be punished out of a child. They are the result of emotions and instincts that are fueling a child’s behaviour, making taking care of them difficult and exhausting. These behaviours are a result of a growing phenomenon in our homes and schools where our kids are taking the lead in the adult-child relationship.
The number of children with dominance problems has steadily grown over the last thirty years, overturning the natural adult/child relationship that has existed for centuries. Without understanding the roots of how the relationship has become upended, adults are left to chase down rabbit holes and ineffectually focus on the myriad behavioural symptoms.
When there are dominance problems a child is driven (emotionally and instinctively) to displace their parent from the leadership role, and to act and talk like they are in charge. Instead of resting in their adult’s care and following their lead, they insist on “fairness” and adherence to their version of the “rules.” They can also be clingy, must have the last say, and claim superiority. While the child is attached to their parent, they are attaching in the lead position instead of a dependent one. Children cannot rest, play, or grow if they are in the lead, making it the work of the parent to regain their role as the caretaker.
A LOSS OF LEADERSHIP
There are many reasons and ways parents can lose the lead when it comes to caring for their kids, including a lack of cultural support and a lack of confidence in what they can offer a child. Four of the more common reasons are:
Our love of independence
We all want to raise our children to become separate, social people who will be self-sufficient and goal-driven. The problem is not in wanting these things but in how we seek to get there. Children need to depend on their adults given their immaturity, which was always nature’s intention when it came to raising a child. We are meant to be the ones to guide and orient them, share our values, look out for, protect, nurture, and defend them when necessary.
Children were not meant to take the lead in caring for themselves until they are mature but we can prematurely push this along. Adults were meant to slowly retreat to a consulting role by the teen years, but this does not come from pushing kids to grow up. Examples of this include expecting babies to soothe themselves or preschoolers to be able to self-regulate strong emotion, or when we push young kids into early academics instead of allowing them to play. When we push independence before our children are ready, we communicate to them that they better care for themselves.
Our love of independence is eclipsing from view the necessity of inviting our children to depend upon us. All growth emanates from being deeply rooted in a trusting relationship and this is our role in raising a child—to ensure they are rooted in our relational gardens where we can cultivate them to mature, civilized ways of being in the world.
Offering too many choices
Promoting premature independence in kids often begets the parenting practice of asking our children to make choices about their caretaking. What do they want to eat? Do they want to go to bed yet? Do we consistently surrender to their relentless demands for playdates and sleepovers? There are many ways we lose our rightful place as leaders, especially when we over-consult with them on what they need. That being said, there are age appropriate areas our children can show healthy leadership, such as taking care of a younger child or pet, deciding what they want to play with, or how much food their body wants to eat. The problem is with our belief that we have to ask our children questions to make them independent, when what they hear is that we don’t know how to care for them nor know how to take the lead. A child will feel most secure when we read their needs and move to provide for them.
Too much separation
Parents face many stressors and competing attachments ranging from work responsibilities and financial obligations to divorce and health challenges. Kids need to count on their adults to provide routine, consistency, and stability. When parents are not available, and when they do not generously provide warmth and attention to their child, then insecurity may flourish. The more things that detract parents from their caretaking role, the more a child loses an emotionally safe, dependent relationship they require to grow. Further, while there often exists unavoidable separations parents and children face from each other given work and school demands, the role of surrogate adults in the child’s life becomes just as important to ensure the child feels cared for.
Alarm-based parenting
Parenting is not for the faint of heart. While we have been caring for children for centuries, today’s parents receive conflicting and contradictory advice, making the job seem even harder. Fear and lack of confidence in parenting stems from feeling like we don’t have all the answers to deal with their tantrums, learning needs, or how to discipline them correctly. When we parent from a place of fear— being overprotective, never saying no, negotiating as if they were equals, distracting them from their upset, or making everything work for them—we rob them of the secure base they would instinctively lean on when facing adversity. We need not worry that we don’t have all the answers as long as we see ourselves as the answer to their needs.
THE MARKS OF A LEADER
Staying in the lead means inviting the dominant child to depend on us. We cannot force a child to rest in our care, but we can work to create the conditions that will foster it by accepting the work of the relationship and assuming the alpha role in the child’s life.
To accept the work of the relationship is to keep our finger on the pulse of whether our children feel close to us, depend on us, and trust us. If our relationship feels strained or weakened, we need to repair and protect it and refrain from using separation-based discipline methods. Our relationship alone is what should influence a child’s desire to obey, follow, attend, listen, and share the same values as us, and parents must take the lead in preserving it.
To claim an alpha role in a child’s life is to act as their compass point and to help them make sense of the world around them. It means we don’t simply meet their demands but anticipate their needs, and we seize the lead in nurturing and comforting them when they are facing futilities that are part of life. To invite a child to rest in our care we need to portray a strong alpha presence so that they feel we are in charge and can handle whatever comes our way, from tantrums, to resistance, to emotional outbursts.
Given the intense nature of the alpha child, it is common to hear that they need a “harder hand” or to be “taught a lesson.” If the response to an alpha child is to exploit their dependency, remove things, punish, or lord one’s authority over them, this will do little to court reliance on a parent. At the same time, you cannot give in to unreasonable demands or fail to lead through the storms that occur. The place that one must lead an alpha child from is one of caring dominance where the parent is in charge but the child will not experience their care as adverse or unsafe. It is only through warmth, generosity, and capably setting limits while dealing with upset that will convincingly demonstrate that a parent is their best bet.
RECLAIMING LEADERSHIP
There are three things we can do to give our kids an invitation for relationship that they cannot refuse.
Reassert your caretaking stance
One of the most important strategies for managing an alpha child is to lead from one’s own alpha (read: caring and firm) stance. You need to convey to the child at every turn that you can take care of them. Finding the place inside of you that wants to take care of them, seeing yourself as strong and able enough to take care of them is a must. You may not always feel this way but by acting in this role every day, small gains can be made. If a child with a dominance problem recognizes that they can defy and baffle their caretakers, they will not trust in your caretaking. While there will be times a child gets very frustrated because you won’t give in to their demands, the feeling of being too much for their caretakers will only reinforce their alpha stance.
Invite dependence
To invite dependence, a parent must make it safe to be depended upon. When adversarial parental authority is used to control the child by taking things away or denying privileges in order to gain compliance, this will do little to build trust and will only exacerbate a child’s alpha stance. Time-outs and other forms of separation-based discipline can convey to the child the relationship is conditional and based on good behaviour only. A parent must steer through stormy behavior by not using their power to coerce compliance. Sidestepping the battle in the middle of conflict, and talking about the child’s feelings and behaviour after the fact can go a long way to preserving both the dignity of the child and the parent.
Take the lead in activities
An effective strategy with an alpha child is to find windows of opportunity where the child must depend on their adult for care. Taking the child on outings can achieve this. Many alpha children refuse to leave the house simply due to the fact that the request is coming from their adult (over whom the child is “supposed” to have authority) and because their house is also their safe “kingdom.” Despite their protests, getting them out and leading them to a new place in which they must depend on your expertise to navigate can dislodge their alpha stance temporarily.
If we can see the alpha child for what they are—a child who no longer depends on their adults—then we can find our way back to demonstrating we are the security they seek. When an adult regains the lead through caring dominance, the child will rest in thecaretaking offered and be freed of their hunger for connection. •
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages.
*NOTE: This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Summer 2019
Sensitive kids are everywhere. Their numbers are estimated to be between 15 to 20% of children in a North American context, but they are often misunderstood or not recognized as being sensitive. What does it mean when we say a child is “sensitive” and how would you know if your child is among them?
To make sense of sensitivity, it is easier to start with understanding what it is not. It is often confused with a child who has strong emotional reactions or whose feelings seem to get more easily hurt. Sometimes it is confused with a child who seems to be more considerate of other’s needs or who is gentle or kind. While children with sensitivity may display some of these characteristics, these are not typical of all sensitive kids, nor do they help us understand what is at the root of their different way of being in the world.
Sensitive kids are defined as those who have an enhanced receptivity to the world through their senses. It could be through any sense—touch, taste, smell, sight, or hearing—and it is unique to each child. It also exists on a continuum, with some kids being more impacted by touch and smell while others may be affected visually or through another sense.
Talking senses
While no two sensitive kids are alike, their enhanced receptivity to sensory information leaves them without a “skin” against the world. Things can feel too much, too big, too cold, too loud, too hot, too smelly, too painful, and too overwhelming. In other words, they can easily feel bombarded by stimuli and this can stir them up emotionally. They are also likely to be more activated and reactive in environments that stir up their senses. For example, I remember watching a boy run for the door in his Mommy & Me music class every time the noise started to escalate. The cacophony of sounds was neither soothing nor fun but instead crashed into him, flooding him, and overwhelming him. As he instinctively darted for the door to escape, there were some adults who saw him as disobedient or defiant, but in truth, he was simply overwhelmed.
It is important to see sensitivity not as a disorder but as part of the diversity in human temperament. Sensitivity doesn’t seem to be a mistake when you look at it from an evolutionary perspective. You can find sensitivity in other mammal species (even in fruit flies!) lending support for the idea that it is not a mistake but perhaps adaptive in some way. What is clear is that sensitive kids need adults to “get them” and to take care of them. This is true for every child, but much more so for the sensitive ones among us.
How do you know if your child is sensitive?
Sensitive kids reveal themselves soon enough to their adults. The child will seem more easily triggered or comforted through a sense, or combination of them. In some cases overly-stimulating environments may prove to be provocative or upsetting to young ones. Likewise, the sensitive child may also find comfort in certain senses: for example, a child with tactile sensitivity may only sleep when they are held or touched, or one with an auditory sensitivity may prefer hearing your soft voice as they fall asleep.
Sensitive kids often seem to have an unusual alertness even as babies. They may sometimes be described as “old souls” or the ones who watch everything. They can sometimes display exceptional memory and become preoccupied with their thoughts. Their questions are often probing and reveal a unique way of looking at the world. They can have a range of interests or can become squarely focussed on one area in particular. Sensitive kids are often described by adults as being intense, passionate kids with big ideas and plans. When they are happy they can infect a room with their enthusiasm just as when they are upset, they can fill a room with hurricane- force levels of frustration.
As the parent to two sensitive kids I have experienced first-hand what comes with caring for them. One of my children is visually sensitive and sees too much at times which appeared when she was 11⁄2 years old as she yelled at strangers to stop looking at her. It felt unnatural to be seen by someone she didn’t know, and their attention was unwanted and alarming. She was also the same child who would never perform or dance in front of other parents at school because “they were all strangers.” Her visual sensitivity brings gifts like the ability to remember details, see patterns, and create novel and new designs—like her “candy wall” when she was three. At the same time, it can become unbearable when there is too much stimuli, particular scary movies with sounds, images, and suspense.
Research suggests there is often a genetic component to this enhanced receptivity, or that it may be due to birth practices, as well as prenatal experiences.1 Genetics play a strong role in determining the intensity or prominence of each affected sense. As mentioned, it can be any combination of the five conventional senses, or internal senses like the vestibular (balance) system, proprioceptive sense (movement), or the complex sensing apparatus we call “the gut.”
Parents need only pay attention to what stirs a child up and to consider how much is too much for them in order to figure out which combination of senses are enhanced. The key to understanding a sensitive child is to not hold their big reactions against them but to appreciate how they are being impacted by the world around them, and how to deal with them effectively.
Providing a sense of security
Brain development is a phenomenal thing—especially in young children. With ideal conditions, a sensitive child’s brain will develop so that it can increasingly handle and process sensory information. They can develop neural wiring that can manage the sensory overload and find ways to compensate for too much stimuli. In other words, nature has a solution for a child’s sensitivity, but it needs our help for them to internally cultivate these answers. If we can create ideal developmental conditions for a child, then nature can take over and grow the child up and through their sensitivity.
1. Strong, caring adult relationships
Sensitive kids need strong caring relationships with adults who convey to them that they are not too big, too difficult, or too much of anything. Sensitive kids are usually more aware of the vulnerability inherent to relationships; that is, if you give someone your heart, they may hurt you. It is emotionally vulnerable to trust someone, to get close, and to rely on them for care taking. Adults need to take a strong lead and convince a child they can count on them especially when it comes to dealing with a child’s mistakes or their challenging behaviour.
Separation-based discipline such as time-outs, 1-2-3 magic, or consequences can often go too far and create insecurity in relationships. Attachment-based and developmentally-friendly discipline is key to being an emotionally safe caretaker in the hearts of our sensitive kids.
Little things can go a long way in cultivating a connection with a sensitive child. It could be the small things we remember, the patience we take to draw them out and hear their story, and all the ways we communicate that we enjoy being with them. Relationships matter to all kids but sensitive ones don’t “suffer fools gladly” and they often wait to see if someone can be trusted before giving them their heart. We need to work to earn their trust and be patient until we are there. Whoever cares for a sensitive child will need to work on a relationship with them to get them to follow and take their cues. This is true in a childcare environment as well as in school with their teachers.
2. Know when to protect from and when to encourage exposure
If a child does not have a thick skin to protect them from sensory overload, then it will fall to their adults to compensate for this. We can start by changing the child’s environment. For example, some kids prefer white noise to cancel out environmental stimuli or may benefit from headphones. Caregivers need to be patient and accept that their child may not want to engage in activities that are overwhelming such as playing with a lot of kids or music classes.
While it is important to reduce arousal and stimulation where appropriate, it is also important to think about if and when you can gently expose sensitive kids to the things that are overwhelming for them. For example, one mother had a child with a number of sensitivities and loud sounds were particularly difficult. She begged her mother not to walk by a construction site near their house because of the loud sounds of the big trucks and “diggers.” The mother took note that this was a challenge for her daughter and took a different route as they walked to school each morning. On one morning she said to her daughter, “We are just going to quickly walk by the construction site and I want you to put your hands on your ears so that it won’t be too loud for you.” As they ran by, her daughter spied the diggers and the hole in the ground and became fascinated. As the week went on, the mother continued to walk by the construction site with her daughter, watching, and eventually stopping. One day her daughter took her hands off her ears and listened, and eventually, she was able to walk by the site without feeling overwhelmed. What sensitive kids need is an adult who understands them and who knows when to shield them and when, and how, to gently and patiently encourage exposure to the things that are hard.
3. Make room for their emotions and tears
Sensitive kids can be stirred up by the world around them and this can create big emotions inside of them that need to be released. The best thing we can do for them is to help them express feelings through words, play, or through their tears. Sometimes we need to encourage play that will draw out their frustration, fears, or desires. It is often easier to face things in play when it isn’t for real or can’t really hurt you. If we are to move a sensitive child to their words or tears, they will need to trust us and to see that our relationship is unwavering even when they are having a hard time.
When we have to deal with issues regarding their behaviour we may make better headway outside of the incident. They may be more receptive and able to hear us when we talk to them when they are less stirred up and feeling close to us. Sometimes they may not want to talk about issues or tell us they can’t remember. We can simply tell them we will make it fast, and easy, and it won’t hurt but we just need to say a few things. We may need to lead them into vulnerable territory but if we fail to do so then they will have a harder time having a relationship with the emotions inside of them.
If there were a secret to caring for sensitive kids it would be to realize that they often act in congruence with the sensory world that exists inside of them. They are not trying to give us a hard time—they are simply having a hard time. While there are challenges posed by their sensitivity, there are also gifts, which caregivers learn to recognize as coming from the same place. If we can hold these things in mind when dealing with them and invite them to rest in our care, then we will be able to become the strong caretakers they need.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages.
*NOTE: This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Spring 2019.
If someone asked you what period in human life is likely to be the loneliest, what would you say? Fortunately there are loneliness researchers who care about this common experience and have answers for us. You might think this topic is frivolous but the link between social isolation and emotional and physical vulnerability is a serious issue. According to researchers, loneliness should be viewed the same way as physical pain but on a social level.
When it comes to being lonely you might have guessed seniors and you would have been right. Forty percent of seniors say they feel lonely sometimes which is correlated with increased cardiovascular, blood pressure problems, dementia, and other mental health issues. But surprisingly, seniors were not the loneliest group of people – teenagers were. Eighty percent of teens said they felt lonely sometimes. What is this about and how do we start to make sense of this?
Adolescence can be a time of turmoil given that one’s identity should be changing (think of it like a house that is undergoing renovation).When you are in the midst of transformation you no longer have the comforting sureness of knowing yourself as well as you once did. The teens relationships with others and oneself is changing and they can second guess others as well as their own actions. They see possibilities where things used to be certain and they can feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities that come with getting older.
While parents hold onto the idea maturity that is around the corner, the process of getting there with a teen can feel messy, emotional, and unpredictable at times. One minute a teen can seem agreeable but they can easily switch to being disagreeable to parental suggestions. Loneliness seems to come out of the blue despite the number of friends a teen has or the amount of social interaction in their life. But why so much loneliness – where does this come from?
There is a natural distancing from adults that is both welcome and daunting in the teen years. In one breath the teen acts like a child and longs to be cared for by a parent, only in the next moment to crave their independence and freedom. The dilemma for the teen is they are neither child nor adult – they are in the ‘in between place’. They are somewhere on the bridge crossing the divide between childhood into adulthood. I feel for them, I remember being there, it often felt agonizing. The anthem for teenage years should be – “Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same” (compliments of the band Keane), but of course the irony is that it is actually the teen that is changing the most of all.
HELPING TEENS TRANSITION INTO ADULTHOOD
How can we help our teens transition into adulthood? What do they need from the adults in their life as they take the steering wheel in their own life? What role do we play in helping them give birth to their adult selves? Given that many teens wouldn’t know how to articulate what they need due to overwhelm or that sometimes they are trying to ‘do it themself,’ I have included 5 things here that I think they would really like the adults in their life to understand about them.
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Provide room for self-reflection
For the teen to (re)discover who they are, they will need room to reflect. Teens need muses to help them along this path – from music, to art, writing, dance, or nature – and the freedom to explore these things without feeling the need to produce something. Giving birth to a new identity is an active process that requires movement and expression and must be free from the pressure to perform. This means they need to have space preserved away from distractions like screens, peers, siblings, work, and school. They need room for the voids in their life to emerge and to be filled with a sense of who they are. And it is in this vacuum – where things are not filled up, nor overflowing with things to do or learn – that teens can discover who they are.
The role of adults in their life is to hold back the tide of distraction that threatens to drown out a teens emerging voice. It is the role of the adults not to push for performance nor fill up their lives with activities. Yes, teens will still have work to do at school or at a chosen activity, but there is a corresponding need to give them room for play and creative solitude without adult pressure and expectations.
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Draw them out and affirm who they are
Adolescent development brings with it changes in the brain and an increased level of awareness. Teens can become more self-conscious and wonder if their new thoughts and feelings are okay. They also have an explosion of ideas and need to test out their theories and how they are making sense of the world. Drawing them out and listening is one of the best gifts you have to give them. Showing an interest in their ideas doesn’t mean you agree with them. Trying to understand their point of view doesn’t mean you have to change your own. Taking a genuine interest in your teen and being curious about how they are making sense of the world will help the teen put the pieces together better in their own head.
Teens don’t often like to be pressured to answer questions. They are more likely to be drawn out by just being together in natural ways like walking the dog, going for a drive to do errands, or after school chats over a snack. When teens feel pressured to talk or to share they often close up. Parents who draw their teens out do so by making it safe to talk but not demanding it. They also create a space where a teen feels validated for having their own views without judgment nor fear of reprisal.
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Create space to experience disillusionment naturally
Teens are some of the most idealistic people around. They are keen observers of the distance between rules and how adults they fail to live up to them. They also set idealistic goals for themself and are blind to the challenges that may lie in their path. It’s hard to argue with a teen who thinks they are right and who has the moral high ground.
Everyday life has many wonderful lessons in store for the teen and it is important to allow them to learn these naturally. They need to be able to make mistakes and experience the disillusionment on their own – like realizing you really can’t leave all of your homework to the last minute! They may tell you something is going to be easy for them (e.g., finding a job), only to discover that it can be hard. They may think someone will allow them to do whatever they want only to find out that the rules state otherwise. Teenage years are a time to allow a child to bump into the everyday realities we live with as adults and to support them through the disappointment and frustration that may come with this
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Normalize sadness
From a teens changing identity to the changing relationships with others, there are many normal losses that come with growing up. While there is freedom on one side, there is also the responsibility that feels heavy and cumbersome. Teen years bring with it a roller coaster of emotions. When adults normalize these feelings of loss they can help reassure a teen that this is to be expected, that they aren’t broken or messed up, and that they need to face their feelings with courage and to express them however they can. Teens often believe that they are the only person their age who feels sad or worried about their future and the changes happening. Understanding that this is what comes with the rite of passage into adulthood helps bring some ease and reassurance, as well as confidence to face things head on. A teen’s emotions often feel up and down but if a parent notices that sadness isn’t moving through a child and depression is starting to weigh them down, then it may be time to speak to health professionals for help.
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Be generous with patience and caretaking
For some parents, the teenage years can be a time of sadness too as they watch their child strive towards independence and in needing them less. For others, it is a time of celebrating the maturity they see or conversely, worrying if their teen will ever grow up and be less self-absorbed. There are many feelings both for the teen and the parent. What is clear is that teens need parents to be patient and to just keep taking care of them. We don’t need to retire ourselves too prematurely, nor should we cling to them out of our own emotional needs. The good news is that a teen still need parents to lean on, we just need to try and keep a sense of humour as they switch from acting mature to being immature in a matter of minutes. I still laugh remembering my teenage niece argue with her mother that the signs on the side of the road that said to “beware of the bears” were a complete sham and that there were no bears in the area. My sister realized arguing with her was pointless, so she just let her talk and vent her feelings and thoughts. A couple of hours later a bear wandered by their cabin – a perfect message to the mother to hold on and to laugh at the absurd ways of the teen.
What teens can’t say and parents need to know is that our job is not done yet – but we do need to think about how we go about caring for them a little differently. We need to find ways to be less direct, to listen more, validate feelings and thoughts where we can, give them room to discover who they are, and keep our relationship strong. Finding ways to be close to a teen without being pushy is imperative as is talking to them without being full of commands. Relationships are for life and when our teens change, we need to change too, and to find new ways to hold onto what is most important to us.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 7 languages.
Originally printed in the Summer 2018 Edition of EcoParent Magazine – www.ecoparent.ca
The Emotional Roots of Anxiety: Healing Through Connection
From waves of panic to uneasy feelings that rise up from the gut, anxiety is a universal human experience. It comes as no surprise then, that anxiety continues to be one of the most commonly diagnosed mental health issues in children and adults today, with the World Health Organization naming it as one of the leading concerns among children ages 4 to 17 worldwide.
What is anxiety? It is usually accompanied by symptoms such as agitation, incessant worrying, trouble focusing, panic, feeling full of fear, nightmares, and clinging behaviour. My 5-year old daughter once asked, “Mommy, why does it feel like my tummy is making butter?” That churning feeling that comes with anxiety, along with many other physical and emotional symptoms, alerts us to the fact that we are stirred up. Despite reassurance from others that there is nothing to worry about, anxiety can sink its teeth in deep and hold on.
When the mind and body are in turmoil, anxiety will follow wherever you go – from your bed to the dinner table, and to school. The problem is that its symptoms tell us very little about what is at the root of the feelings. Parents often turn to their kids for answers asking, “What is the matter?” When they are met with blank stares, puzzling explanations, or protestations of, “I don’t know!” it can elevate a parent’s anxiety as well.
The problem with anxiety is we cannot make headway unless we can make sense of it at its root level, as asserted by Gordon Neufeld, an internationally respected developmental and attachment-based psychologist. There is an epicentre to anxiety, but we often dance around its symptoms instead of reaching into its core, where the real problem lies.
Perceiving past the symptoms
The key to understanding anxiety is to name the emotion that drives it: alarm. When a threat is detected by the brain’s surveillance system, it responds by releasing a cascade of chemicals that literally changes our physiology and enables us to quickly respond. When separation has opened up, the brain will respond with increased alarm, frustration, and pursuit in order to close the distance.
To do this, we need to first identify the most fundamental need of all humans. The one non-negotiable thing that all children and adults require for healthy emotional growth and well-being is attachment. As an interdependent species, we were designed to hunger for contact and closeness from each other, and it is through attachment that we are able to raise children, to care for each other, and create a civil society.
The purpose of attachment is to ensure that children depend on their adults to guide and protect them and that we, in turn, provide these things. When children lean into you for caretaking, they are willing to follow, listen, attend, orient to, and obey. The deeper a child’s attachment roots, the greater their capacity to reach their potential as a social, separate, and adaptive being.
If relational attachment is the greatest of all human needs, then what is the most impactful and alarming of all experiences? The answer is separation—to find yourself apart from your attachments, which pushes the brain’s alarm system into full tilt as it tries to close the void that has opened up. You can witness a young child’s desperate pursuit to get back into attachment when you tell them it’s time for bed and they begin clamouring for one more drink of water, a snack, a trip to the bathroom, another story, or plead, as one clever boy told his father, “Please come back—the spiders keep throwing me out of bed.” Separation is provocative because attachment is key to our survival.
What sets off alarm bells?
There are many sources of separation that children can experience, from the obvious ones like moving houses, starting school, parents divorcing, or the loss of a loved one. But there are other surprising sources such as healthy growth, which pushes the preschooler to explore and use their imagination, the middle-schooler to try new things, and the teenager to figure out who they are and what they want to do with their life. At every age there are different developmental issues to face, each bringing an element of existential alarm with it. As Gordon Neufeld states, we don’t teach 3-year-olds about monsters which they then become afraid of, it is their fear that creates the monsters in the first place.
Other sources of separation for kids include discipline that uses what a child cares about against them, euphemized as “consequences”, “tough love”, or “time-outs”. These techniques use separation to alarm a child so that they will behave better but they backfire as they render an adult an adversary and, with this, reduce a child’s desire to please or work towards meeting their adult’s expectations. Relationship is the vehicle for getting a child to drive in a different direction, but separation discipline throws this off course and leaves relational insecurity in its wake.
Separation alarm is also created when our children fuse with friends to the exclusion of their adults. Referred to as “peer orientation”, this gives rise to children with alarm problems because their peers are largely immature and impulsive, sometimes hurtful, substitutes. One day your child belongs in the group, the next day they don’t, and the fickle friendships and wounding ways of kids especially hurt those who are more dependent on their same-age friends than their adults. Friends are important, but children weren’t meant to be the answer to each other’s fundamental attachment needs.
Separation alarm can also be attributed to physical separation like the loss of a parent to a new job, travel, injury, sickness, or the introduction of a new partner. Even success can create alarming feelings as the child lives in fear that they could lose the advances they have gained. Sensitive children who feel they are too much for their parents to handle are often full of anxiety because exasperated adults convey they don’t know how to take care of them, leading to insecurity.
Separation alarm has the power to drive temporary anxiety symptoms to more chronic levels that can pervade all areas of life. The fall-out from chronic anxiety may lead to additional behavioural problems such as anger, agitation, feeling overwhelmed, disconnection, and depression, which can be misinterpreted, or overreacted to, by adults. While the symptoms of anxiety and sources of separation for kids become better understood, concurrent research suggests that if separation is the problem, then surely connection will be the cure.
Bridging the void
What if we stopped for a moment and considered whether anxiety was, in fact, exactly what the brain wanted and intended? What if we looked at the emotion of alarm as having a very important job to do by noisily alerting parents that something isn’t right in a child’s world? And what if the brain is actually working well when it is alarmed and the problem is not the alarm, per se, but rather how long and how hard the brain has to work to gain our attention by way of anxiety symptoms, which serve to draw people close to increase connection and close painful separation voids?
There are many things adults can do to increase connection and reduce alarm, but the guiding objective should be to bring a child to emotional rest. This can be facilitated by coming alongside and conveying a desire to be with them, to show care and read their needs, and take the lead in fulfilling them wherever possible. For example, if they are anxious at night-time, being generous with contact and closeness will help them rest better. When a child closes their eyes at night, they are separated from you. Bridging this divide can involve telling them about the plans for the following day, staying with them until they fall asleep, or tying invisible strings around your beds to hold you together; if only in your child’s imagination. Making room for their alarm and letting them know it’s your job to worry about their sleep—not theirs—can go a long way in helping your child see you as in-charge, and able and willing to care for them.
If a child is anxious, it is also important to shield them from further causes of frustration wherever possible—from relationships that don’t work well to avoiding introduction of new sources of separation. When a child is alarmed, it is a time to prune out unnecessary separations and focus on tethering them to the adults in their life. This can be achieved by orienting them to the invisible matrix of adults that will care for them. For example, telling a child, “When I take you to school, your teacher will take over for me. They are in charge, I trust them to care for you, and they know how to reach me if you need me. I will look forward to picking you up, too,” helps to assure them that they are safe and loved, can feel connected to the adult who will take your place in your absence, and that you are never far away for long.
If separation discipline is being used in the home, it is also necessary to move away from time-outs and punitive consequences to more attachment and developmentally-friendly discipline, such as collecting a child before directing. This involves getting into their space in a friendly way, interacting with them in a positive manner, engaging in conversation, or paying attention to what they are focusing on, until you can feel the child warm up, start to listen, and want to follow. Using structure and routine to help them navigate their day also helps them feel safe. Kids who are anxious love ritual because it’s predictable, thus, providing security.
Letting out
Tears are the antithesis to alarm because they serve to drain the system and allow rest by neutralizing the chemicals associated with it. One of the most important ways we can bring our children to emotional rest is to facilitate tears when they are up against things that frustrate them. From the small things to the big upsets in their life, if an adult is willing to come alongside a child and make room for some tears, this can temporarily reduce restlessness, fear, and agitation.
To help a child to their tears, we need to meet them with empathy and warmth. Focus sincerely on what is upsetting them, despite how small or insignificant it may seem to us. Sometimes a parent may become upset by what they hear from a child, but it is best not to show these emotions and to find another adult to debrief with. Every child needs to feel confident that they are not too much for their adult to handle, that their feelings aren’t too big or scary to express, and that there is no situation that they won’t receive support with.
When a child is anxious, what we cannot lose sight of is how separation instigates the alarm behind it and that relationship is the vehicle through which healing occurs. When a child can safely feel their fear in a vulnerable way, they will be on the road to making sense of the emotions associated with alarm. When they can see and name what it is that stirs them up, and can freely express their emotions, they will be brought to emotional rest and find the courage to face the hard things. This process of holding onto and guiding them through alarming feelings and times will help them reaffirm the faith they have in their caregivers to love and take care of them exactly as they are.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and resource centre for families.
Raffi Cavoukian, a children’s singer, songwriter, and child advocate, wrote a song titled – All I really need – which beautifully captures from a child’s perspective their most essential needs. Raffi sings, “All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family.” Every time I listen to this song I hear an unspoken message directed at adults as to what our children really need in order to thrive.
Developmental science is also clear on the three irreducible needs of kids – the need for play, tears, and relationship. These three things are critical ingredients in helping kids grow to become socially and emotionally responsible individuals capable of setting their own goals, adapting to their environment and being resilient in the face or adversity, and feeling empathy for others. This is what maturity should look like but without the right conditions, this growth cannot be assured.
We all know people who look like grown ups but behave like preschoolers. There is a difference between being young at heart and being immature – such as blaming others for one’s problems, having a hard time not getting their way, demanding and commanding others as to how to take care of them, and behaving impulsively. How do we explain this lack of maturity? When there are deficits in a child’s environment in providing for their irreducible needs, then development can be impacted and maturity hampered.
- The Irreducible Need for True Play
Play is the birthplace of personhood. It is where a child gets their hands on the steering wheel of their own life and experiments under the direction of their body, heart, and mind. Kids need a place that is free of consequences in order to practice and explore.
Humans come with an innate desire to make sense of things, to pursue goals, and to discover who they are. We cannot force a child to play or do it for them, it is an instinct that drives them to emerge as their own person that can only be unlocked in play. As any three year old will declare while in the process of figuring things out – “I do it myself!”
We don’t have to teach our kids how to play – it is innate. Our job is to create the space for them to play that is contained, safe from emotional wounding, and allows for the freedom of movement and expression. In other words, playgrounds often have gates and fences around them leaving kids free to explore the space that is within.
Some kids are drawn to movement and to use their bodies to jump, climb, dance, or run. Others like to explore and examine, while some like to take items in their world and design something new. Each child has a particular bent for expressing their internal world, it is our job to facilitate the expression of it by creating spaces where this can be unleashed.
What gets in the way of children’s play? One of the main challenges to play is the push towards academics, particularly in the early years. The trend towards early instruction and schooling is alarming and unfounded based on decades of research in developmental science. For example, in my community there are children showing up in kindergarten unable to play, that is, they look at their teacher and say they don’t know how when told it is time to. Upon closer examination, their preschool years have been full of instruction, schooling, and structured activities. Instead of hearing parents sound alarm bells about the loss of play (the teacher did!), there was a sense of pride that a child could read or do math at an early age. Earlier is not better – not according to science. We can train and make kids work and perform at early ages but at what cost to their development? What happens when kids are made to work instead of play?
Play affords a child a safe space for emotional expression and this is critical to well-being and maturity. Kids go through many types of emotions in play, acting out their feelings in the safety of pretend and make believe. When play isn’t ‘for real,’ then the consequences of emotional expression are minimized and offer them the freedom to release whatever is stirring them up. The loss of play has been correlated in research with increasing rates of attention, anxiety, depression, and aggression in kids. Play preserves children emotionally.
The problem is we don’t value play the same way we do work and outcomes. Play is viewed as something kids do in their spare time and even this has become endangered. Children’s time is increasingly filled with screens, structured activities, and instruction. While screens have become easy targets in bemoaning the loss of play, research suggests that one of the biggest losses in kid’s time is due to the increased amount of time they spend shopping – a 168% rise over a 15 year period.
Without play our children cannot grow. There are no shortcuts here, no substitutes, and no pill that can serve as a substitute for what play provides. Parents need to be a gatekeeper to the things that erode time and space for play. Children need to have a song in their heart as Raffi says, because this is the sound of play inside of a child that is seeking expression in the world around them.
- The Irreducible Need for Tears
Humans are born with the inherent capacity to be adaptable and resilient. We should be able to thrive despite adversity, to handle not getting our way, survive lack and loss, and be transformed in the process. This is the potential that exists in each of us and it will only be realized when we have a relationship with tears and sadness.
The capacity to feel sad is one of the best indicators of emotional health in a child. When vulnerable feelings can be expressed it indicates that a child’s environment is helping to preserve or protect a child’s heart. Emotions are what drive a child to mature when they care about others and themselves, care about learning, care about their behaviour and how they act, and care enough to face their fears.
Tears signify loss and separation from something we desire or when we are up against the things we cannot change. When it registers in the brain that something is futile – it cannot be or cannot change – then there is an emotional download and sadness is the end result. It is here, in this place where we have to let go of our agenda and feel the upset around it, that we are changed by the emotional shift. When it vulnerably registers that we can’t always get what we want, it will also resonate that we can also handle adversity. Tears are not something to be feared but something to be embraced in the process of learning.
What gets in the way of supporting kid’s from expressing sadness or in crying? Sometimes adults are too impatient, busy, or frustrated which leaves little patience and room for a child’s emotional needs. Sometimes the messages we send kids is that we value happiness and ‘positive feelings’ more and suggest that sadness or upset is not welcome or warranted. Phrases such as, “turn that frown upsidedown,” or “you are not filling someone’s bucket today,” can put the focus on people pleasing instead of emotional integrity. We cannot tell our children to be honest, speak their mind, and tell us their secrets, while at the same time tell them to change or deny what they are feeling because it doesn’t serve them or us.
Many parents tell me that when they were a child they were not raised being able to cry or express sadness when things didn’t work out. They often feel that because they were not supported this way, they are therefore unable to support their own kids too. But the capacity to help someone when they feel sad or upset is not something you need to learn, rather, it is something we already know how to answer with comfort, contact, and closeness. We just need to show up and be present when our kids need to feel vulnerably and express what they are going through.
You don’t have to agree with a child’s thoughts or actions in order to help them find their tears either. We can come alongside their emotions and make room for their expression without condoning that immature behaviour is okay. We can acknowledge that something is frustrating for them and welcome the tears that need to drain the frustration that is built up. Saying no is part of an adult’s role in a child’s life – and so is helping them find their tears when they can’t change the no’s that are there.
If a child can no longer say they are sad, upset, or lose the capacity to cry, it will be the adults in their life that will need to consider how to lead a child back to a place where they can feel vulnerably. When caring feelings go missing, it can be for many reasons including inhibition by the brain in order to preserve emotional well-being. If caring about something hurts too much, the brain simply responds by inhibiting the experience of caring feelings. Sometimes hearts can harden but there is much adults can do to help them thaw.
- The Irreducible Need for Relationship
Children cannot thrive without relationships. They need relationships with adults who generously invite them to be in their presence, who display an unwavering capacity to hold onto them despite conduct and performance – while at the same time, lead the child to behave in ways that are civil, mature, and emotionally responsible towards others.
While I was at a hockey game the other night, I watched a father and his 7-year old son interact as they sat in front of me. It was clear his son was excited to be at the hockey game as well as impatient in only being able to move within the narrow confines of his chair. I watched the boy move around in his seat and buzz with energy as he watched the game, engaged with his Dad, and playfully interacted with his friend. I watched as his father gave him some space to express his energy until it crossed a line where it became too much and annoying to others around him – like when he started to kick the chair in front of him. The father leaned down, brought his head to his son’s ear and gave him direction, “I need you to stop kicking the chair and to sit in your seat for 10 more minutes.” The effect was immediate but what was remarkable was the warm yet firm way the father dealt with his son. It was clear to me his son was moved to obey his father not out of fear but respect – this is relationship at it’s finest.
What healthy relationships deliver to children is the ability to rest and trust in the care of an adult to lead them. A child’s immaturity means they will behave poorly at times and express themselves inappropriately. What kids need is to lean on adults who can lead them through these impasses while preserving their relationship. It is a child’s dependency on an adult that facilitates their growth towards independence. In other words, unless you are rooted relationally, you cannot stretch and grow towards your own human potential.
There are many ways we can facilitate healthy relationships with our kids including:
- Engage them in conversation and listen with full attention
- Do things together that bring out your enjoyment in being with them
- Remember what is important to them and surprise them with your knowledge
- Get there first when it comes to meeting their needs, that is, come before they call you for another kiss goodnight or be ready to feed them before they get ‘hangry’
- When they are not behaving well, convey what isn’t okay while also conveying that your relationship still is
- Don’t be afraid to lead them and call the shots when appropriate, inviting tears when needed
What Raffi seems to get so clearly in his song, All I really need, is how adults are partners in playing midwife to a child’s maturity. Kids have songs in their hearts because they should be instinctively moved to play. They need food in their bellies and love in their families which is about their hunger for attachment and to be cared for. Add in some tears and the capacity to feel sad and you have the three irreducible needs that all children require based on decades of cultural wisdom and developmental science. Simple? Yes – but these three things require a great deal of time, energy, commitment, and patience on the part of adults.
If you take the long view on human development you quickly realize there is no pill that can substitute for maturity. Nature has a plan to grow our kids up and of we do our job then we can trust in nature to do the rest. We need to play midwife to the potential for maturity that lies within each of our children.
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.
Kids have worries – from monsters to natural disasters. They can appear at random or may be triggered by everyday events. Their increasing awareness of the world, who is in it, and being able to anticipate bad things happening, can all increase their alarm.
Many of children’s fears can be existential, meaning they are indicative of a child’s growth and development as a separate being. Separation is the most impactful of all experiences and stirs up the emotional center of the brain and can create feelings of fear. As a child becomes increasingly independent, they are less dependent upon their caretakers which may foster some worry. As a child ages, this fear is often transformed into different themes but shares this common root issue.
This quick and easy infographic summarizes many of the common worries kids have at different ages. To read more please see my article – What Kids Worry About at Different Ages
