Freedom of Expression: Guiding kids’ emotions into maturity

It is not unusual to see a child stomp in frustration, yell when they’re upset, and drag their heels when they feel hurried. Even after a good or uneventful day at daycare or school, meltdowns may appear later at home in the form of resistance over chores or homework. Parents may feel bewildered by the extreme emotional reactions they witness in their kids—after all, haven’t they been told a hundred times to use their words and communicate clearly to get what they want?

Emotions are invisible and mysterious, while actions are anything but and often distract us from the real problem. What we need to remember about emotions is that they, themselves, are not problems, but they are trying to solve them. Their cries of alarm or frustration are meant to get our attention so we can help fix or change what is not working, or help them adapt. The challenge is that sometimes the way a child expresses their emotions can create problems for the people around them. If you want to know what emotion a child is experiencing, then you only need to consider their behaviour and how they are moving in the world. A child who feels secure may venture out to play, getting lost in discovery and exploration; but a scared child will run for safety to a parent and a frustrated one may angrily lash out when feeling thwarted.

When a child’s behaviour is difficult, we can become preoccupied with reinforcing rules and expectations while losing sight of how emotions, a brilliant system of communication, are driving a child from within. How we respond to a child when their behaviour is emotionally fuelled is key to helping them become more mature— but many “disciplinary” practices can make matters worse and fan the flames of upset, leaving us not only no further ahead, but actually working against us.

THE NECESSITY OF Expression

Emotional health cannot be achieved if emotions cannot be expressed. The force they exert compels them to come out of us in some way. Young children are just learning about their emotions and are naturally often at a loss for words or any insight into what they are feeling. With maturity we should acquire a vocabulary to match our feelings and use it to communicate them in (hopefully) more respectful ways. But this is the end goal and never the place we start from. This is where parents and caretakers must come in and help teach not just words, but a language of the heart.

Simply shouting, “Cut it out!” and “Calm down!” can do more harm than good. Just like a pressure cooker, when emotions are bottled up, they often lead to uncontrolled explosions. The idea that we must, from day one, suppress our emotions fails to recognize that they need to move through us so they can communicate that something is working or not working, especially when we’re too young to articulate it. Our emotional world is a source of intelligence when it come to our needs, and it will do anything in its power to meet those needs.

What many people don’t realize is that young kids can’t regulate their emotions due to immature brains. It takes five to seven years of healthy brain development to create the neural pathways required to integrate strong emotions and provide impulse control. Until that time, adults, and not preschooler brains, are the only tempering agent children have to help regulate their emotions and behaviour. The crux of this job is to prevent them from hurting themselves or others with impulsive reactions, and not to prohibit them from having feelings or expressing them. Methods like separation punishment, withholding affection, or yelling are solutions that solve nothing in the long term and only serve to cultivate a deeper uncertainty about your relationship.

THE DANGERS OF Suppression

We need to make it safe for our kids to express their emotions and convey that we are there to help them through their big feelings. The goal is not to try and make our children feelanything differently, it is rather to support and model the movement of those emotions so they can learn to understand and exert influence over their expression.

One key to supporting a child is to make sure our reactions to their emotions don’t create more distress for them (and therefore, in turn, us) nor communicate a diminished desire to care for them. If their behaviour leads to a more insecure relationship with an adult, then their brain may “press down” on their emotions in order to preserve their connection. This is a costly move—one that inhibits emotional development and prevents the adult from being able to help forward maturity in the child by creating an atmosphere of insecurity.

The prevalent forms of discipline used with children either take away what a child cares about or remove them from the people they want to be close to. These tactics communicate that there is no expression without undesirable repercussion: What you say or do may be held against you where it hurts the most. If you have to be “good”, even when you’re feeling bad, and expressing your feelings leads to separation, then emotional expression will indeed decrease, but in its place will easily grow more anxiety and aggression.

THE PATH TO MATURE Expression

The good news is there are many natural ways we can make room for our children’s emotions, nurture their brains to manage emotions well, and preserve their well-being. It is also possible to set limits with children while still conveying we are there to help with their upset. The objective is not to stop expression but to give it some room to move, and, importantly, to avoid any damage to the relationship so that development continues to move in a healthy direction guided by a capable and trusted parent.

Play it out

One of the natural ways children express emotion is during play where there are no real outcomes or consequences. As developmentalist Lawrence Cohen states, “Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day. Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” If we want to help children release their emotions, then we need to create the conditions for play.

True play is when a child is free to engage with their surroundings and nothing is taken at face value. Their frustration is expressed through creating, building, destroying, or transforming objects around them. Emotions such as alarm can be discharged through play that incorporates some fear like pretend monsters, being chased or rescued, having to hide to avoid capture, or surviving on your own. The child is able to express themselves without repercussion in the safety of play, often emerging from it softer and more emotionally vulnerable.

The role of adults is to provide and protect the places where children can play and invite them to experience music, stories, art, dance, or motion, all of which help their emotional systems discharge and recalibrate. The research on the correlation between loss of play and emotional problems in kids is substantial. The message is clear: Caregivers need to be play advocates when it comes to children’s emotional health and well-being.

Heart to heart

To come to a child’s side means to take a supportive role and not an adversarial one when dealing with their behaviour and emotion. While we don’t have to agree with them about their behaviour or even the “reasons” for it, we can connect with them at the heart level and try to empathize with them there. Acknowledging the emotion that is underneath their behaviour will increase their sense of connectedness to us. When we say, “You seem like you had a long day at school and are tired and frustrated” or “Help me understand what is stirring you up” we are inviting them to put into words the emotions that are driving them—which is both exactly what they need to hear and exactly what we want to teach. When we put the focus on the emotion instead of the behaviour and encourage them to express themselves, we learn to work together to find a way through the challenges.

It is also important that we don’t focus on our own emotions about their behaviour. We don’t need to communicate to our children how we feel, which could further overwhelm them and give them more emotion, not less, to deal with. It is also not our children’s job to care for our feelings. In revealing our struggles with a child, we may inadvertently convey that we don’t know what to do with them, thus alarming and frustrating them further.

As we come alongside and help them find and use words for their experiences, we will teach them a language of the heart. With words to communicate their emotional world and brain development that allows impulse control, both of which happen in supportive and safe environment, a child will naturally become more emotionally mature. I still remember the day my daughter proudly told me that her hand wanted to hit something because she was frustrated but it didn’t and that this was a good thing.

Daily debrief

There are a number of daily rituals that help us check in and debrief with our kids on their experiences and emotions. There is something unique about bedtime and having a parent’s undivided attention that makes a child want to talk. It is often here they may tell you about hard parts of their day or other stories about how they are feeling. As we listen and reflect on their emotions, we will be helping them to make sense of things and forward their emotional development.

Morning rituals can also help a child settle into their day, including reading books at cuddle time. Slowing down and making room for connection and orienting to the plan for the day without rushing can go a long way toward preventing emotional upset and upheaval. Shared mealtimes are an excellent time to check in with each other. Sometimes the after-school pick-up or ride home from daycare is a good time to connect and listen too.

There is nothing like the force of an immature child to test the emotional maturity of adults. The challenge is to not let our own emotions get the better of us and take it out on them. Emotional maturity takes time and patience and is as sophisticated as cognitive development. Kids need loving support, emotional guides, and caregivers who show they believe that maturity is around the corner by allowing their emotions to play out safely through their natural course. •

This article first appeared in the Spring 2021 edition of EcoParent Magazine

Copyright — Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca

Taking the Lead in Sibling Conflict

My younger sister used to poke me when I wouldn’t play with her. My first strategy was to tell her to leave me alone and when that didn’t work, I would ignore her, which also didn’t dissuade her. At some point I would become so frustrated that I would swat at her like a fly to make her go away. She would scream and cry and I would get in trouble, commensurate with the level of her distress and tears. As a child it seemed to me that the person who was bleeding, crying the loudest, or most upset—usually my sister— was uncritically deemed the victim with the perpetrator assumed by default. A swift verdict would follow.

There are few more provocative things for a parent than watching the children you love get hurt or hurt each other. Our instincts and emotions are there to protect and defend our kids and can kick into high gear when we witness acts of aggression, meanness, and immature behavior as our children attack each other. But our own impatience and annoyance can add more fuel to the fire of frustration that is already burning, and it can be costly to our relationships with them.

There is no greater test to a parent’s maturity than dealing with the immature ways of relating that our kids present. How do we bear witness to acts of aggression while keeping our cool and remaining in the role of the adult? And how do we lead through these difficult situations while protecting our relationship?

Them’s fighting words!

In the heat of the moment, your kids will tell you just about anything to get the heat off of them. We don’t need to follow our kids when it comes to discovering the reasons why they’re fighting but we will need to make sense of what is truly driving the problems between them. When you understand the roots of “misbehaviour,” it can be tackled it in meaningful ways that lead to change.

When kids fight, they are ultimately fueled by frustration, the emotion of change that wants something to stop or to be different. Children under the age of six don’t have sufficient brain development in the prefrontal cortex to temper strong emotions. Frustration can spill out of them unchecked by any braking mechanism in both verbal and physical forms of attack. Children under the age of three often unleash physically whereas older children have learned to use their words to attack. “I hate you and you are not coming to my birthday party” is a popular threat with the school-age set.

There are many factors that contribute to kids fighting with each other. Based on developmental science and my experience in private practice working with families, these are some of the most common.

You can’t always get what you want It is a sign of good development when a child has their own mind and can voice their needs, preferences, and desires. The challenge arises when they are engaging with other kids who don’t share those desires. Disagreements over how to play with something, what character they are, or the rules of the game can lead to frustration spewing forth. What we often miss is that each child is meant to develop their own will and it’s only because of their immaturity that they struggle to accept a difference of opinion with others, leaving them at an impasse and frustrated because they cannot solve it.

The futility that children will struggle with—that we are all challenged by—is that we can’t always get what we want. Not everyone wants to do it our way, nor shares our ideas and dreams, and one of the hardest lessons to learn is how to accept the things we cannot change. Kids are in the process of learning about the futilities of life and may need help coming to terms with something that is not going to go their way, even when there is a level playing field. For example, in a game they perceive to be losing, they may fight over the rules and try to force their agenda on their sibling. This is where it is important for adults to step in and reinforce the ground rules for interaction and game-playing.

When my eldest was five she loved playing cards but every time she started to lose she would tell her sister, “Well losers are the winners and winners are the losers.” As I kept a watchful ear on their playing I would often intervene and state something to the effect of, “No, that is not how the game is played. I understand you are frustrated with your cards but keep trying. There are some games you win and some you don’t.” There were many times she would just throw her cards into the air in frustration and I would declare her sister the winner. With time, patience, and support for her tears in the face of frustration, she learned to accept the futility of trying to change the rules to suit her. What helped me remain patient throughout these episodes is knowing that her immature way of relating was not personal but developmental, and that these were the teachable moments that helped me prepare her for a world where there is no shortage of disappointments.

It is also helpful to think ahead of problems and to set up interactions between kids with some guidance. You might say, “When you play together you are both going to have ideas and things you want. If you can’t figure it out then come and get me, or work together to compromise if you can.” Depending on the age of the child, different strategies may be used. Preschoolers will definitely need more direct help, but older children can become more skilled at navigating these differences, particularly if they care about playing together.

Territoriality and possessiveness We are thoroughly invested in having our children share and get along with each other, and have very little patience for disagreements. I often wonder if we have the same expectations of ourselves? After all, are we all that enthusiastic about handing over our cherished possessions for others to use? Don’t we also feel that instinctive reluctance to surrender things that we love?

We need to step back and consider whether we really don’t want our children to voice disagreement with others when their territory is under threat. What we should want is for them to know when to stand their ground to protect something of meaning as well as to know when to share. The challenge is that the instincts and emotions to protect one’s place are not bad, but they eventually need to be balanced by caring about others so that we can become socially responsible and emotionally generous, and that is where parents come in.

Part of maturity is being able to relate to others in a conscientious way and to share and work together towards a common goal. What children reveal is the chasm between primal territorial relating and this communal thinking. It is the role of adults in a child’s life to help close this gap by simply creating the conditions for good development that then naturally reach this end. This means providing enough attachment to satisfy their hunger for relationship and helping them begin to accept the futilities—like “You can’t have it! That’s mine!”—that are part of life.

When children are full of caring and can also consider the needs of others as well as theirs, they will have the necessary ingredients to share and get along better and temper their territorial instincts. But these developments occur at the earliest between 5 and 7 years with healthy brain integration. Until then, it is our job to simply and regularly communicate the value of sharing, the importance of having your own mind, and the reminder that you can’t always get what you want. Supervise young kids to prevent territorial disasters from unfolding and reaffirm that turn-taking is part of life, and that you are there to help them.

Attachment-seeking behavior Kids seek connection and when they are bored or hungry for attachment, they may seek each other out, especially if adults are not available. Just as with adults, the challenge is that sometimes kids don’t want to play with each other, or they just want to be on their own. This attachment- seeking energy is what drove my sister to poke at me, but I had other ideas for my time, like reading my books. When I wouldn’t reciprocate and give her connection, she continued to pester until things eventually erupted. In such situations, an adult needs to step in and provide the desired connection, redirecting away from using a sibling to fulfill their child’s attachment needs.

Displaced frustration One of things we often miss when our kids are frustrated with each other is that their emotions may have their roots in something other than the currently raging conflict. A child can be stirred up by something that didn’t go their way in an unrelated situation, and later take it out on their sibling. A brother or sister can be a lightning rod that unleashes emotional energy such as frustration.

One of the biggest sources of displaced frustration for a child is from relationships that do not work for them. It is often emotionally costly for a child in trouble to fight back against a displeased parent when their relationship may be on the line or they are overpowered, or when separation-based discipline is used (e.g., consequences and timeouts, which can also hurt the relationship). If a parent is upset with a child, then that same child can often turn around and unleash their frustration onto their sibling. The less a child feels emotionally safe in communicating their frustration to an adult, the more likely this frustration will be displaced onto the shoulders of other children.

The Heat is On

Making sense of the reasons why kids fight is helpful, but what do we do in the heat of the moment? The following strategies can help you consider how you might intervene in a way that preserves the dignity of everyone involved, as well as your relationship with each child.

Don’t play judge and jury Intervening in a way that doesn’t convict or lay blame on one side is important. Kids often will say, “You like them better,” communicating a sense of betrayal at the relational level. The bottom line is we don’t often know who is right or wrong but what we do know is they are having trouble, what they are doing is not okay, and that they need our help. While we can convey that the whole situation is not okay, we can also let them know we see they are both hurt, and that we believe they can do better. The idea is to get out of tricky and heated scenarios quickly and revisit them calmly when emotions are lower.

Come alongside each child If we could take a moment with each child to listen to their hurts, we would be better able to lead them through the big frustrations between them. This is often better done in privacy without the other child listening but it can be done on the spot too, conveying that we know there are hurt feelings all-round. When my sister was poking me I would have longed for someone to understand my frustration too, that I reacted because I was annoyed, and that my sister had to accept that I didn’t always want to play with her. When we react without recognizing both parties are hurt, we miss the opportunity to come to the child’s side, communicate we are there to help, and address things at a root emotional level.

Don’t force apologies Forced apologies lead to even more hurt feelings as the obvious lack of genuine caring stings you all over again. What we want is for our kids to feel genuine remorse and this can only come from a place of caring for another person. A cooling- off period is often needed when emotions are high, and when kids come back together to play they will quickly bring their caring to the surface again. When the caring is back, then cue-up the child to make amends. Reading picture books that portray what a real sorry looks like, as it does in The Sorry Plane, is helpful for normalizing frustration as well as conveying the importance of saying you’re sorry from a place of caring.

Get to the root emotion If children are constantly at each other’s throats, then we might need to step back and take a closer look at what is driving their frustration. Are they enduring a lot of change or hard times at school or in the home? Are there relationships that are important to them that are not working? It might be time to focus on your relationship with the child rather than dwelling on the relationship between the children in order to make headway.

Keep them moving Sometimes we don’t know what to do with our fighting kids but when we get in the lead, things are much more likely to straighten out. Sometimes we literally need to move them in a different direction: take them outside, get them engaged in a different activity, or spend some one-on-one time with them. When things are going sideways, take the lead and steer the energy into something less hurtful and more productive. Emotions have a way of taking care of themselves if we can keep our kids moving in a healthy direction.

When we see our children unleashing their frustration on each other, it’s better for everyone involved if an adult takes the lead and takes the heat off the child under attack. We can simply communicate that we see they are frustrated, we are there to help, and that siblings aren’t for attacking. Most kids understand to some degree that their siblings will get frustrated with them. What they have a harder time with is why their parents don’t intervene to help and provide reassurance that the problem isn’t them.

Perhaps if we could accept that kids are immature, that they will fight, and that this is part of our role as parents to help them navigate conflict, then we might find the patience we need when things are coming undone. It is hard to watch them hurt each other but our focus shouldn’t be on making them get along. As mature adults, we just need to make sure we continually express our caring as we deal with a (natural and temporary!) lack of caring in them. •

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca

This article first appeared in the Winter 2020 edition of EcoParent Magazine.

What our Kids Need Us to Understand about Aggression

There are likely few things more provocative to a parent than attacking behaviour from kids. The hardest challenge arises when our own kids are attacking each other, and our loyalties are stretched in two directions. Our instincts to protect the attacked child will jump into gear as well as our frustration. But when we deal with the behaviour of the one doing the attacking without thinking about preserving the relationship, we can make matters worse. The question is: how do we lead our kids out of attack mode and into mature ways of relating?

Aggression is defined as the impulse to attack or lash out. It can be expressed either physically or verbally. The primary emotion that drives attacking behaviour is frustration, which is hard-wired into the brain. It is often confused with anger but anger is a manifestation of frustration where blame has been assigned to someone or something. Like anger, the root of attack and aggression stems from the singular emotion of frustration. The question is, where does frustration come from in the first place?

There are many things in life that must be faced that are futile or will not change. This can include losing, being upset, not being the best at everything, being unable to change people’s minds or decisions, not being permitted to do whatever you want, having to put up with siblings, share your parent, or having to let go of good experiences or things. The biggest sources of frustration for a child are relationships that don’t work the way they want them to and limits and restrictions that are placed on them. Frustration isn’t always expressed towards the real source of it either. From a hard day at school to being frustrated with parents’ rules, it is common for siblings to be a target for displaced frustration.

Plan of Attack

Emotions serve a purpose and the job of frustration is to change something that isn’t working or to get something to stop, but sometimes change isn’t possible. For example, a parent may not buy that coveted toy every time you want one and a sibling might not want to share with you. If sadness or disappointment aren’t the emotions the child defaults to, like a volcano that explodes under pressure, the energy will commonly emerge in the form of attack as a release for the frustration, erupting onto whoever and whatever is around them.

Aggression has many forms including tantrums, biting, screaming, stomping, hitting, throwing, self-attack, sarcasm, ignoring, hostility, irritability, or rudeness. Each child seems to have a particular bent for expressing foul frustration, with young kids typically detonating in a physical form. With ideal development, a child over the age of four will increasingly express frustration verbally and use their words as the attacking object. For example, a father told me he directed his four-year-old son to use his words for his frustration instead of hits. The child then shocked his father with: “I just want to pee on you Daddy.”

When you can’t get what you want, the frustration is meant to try and change things for the better. Sometimes we are the ones that need to change and to feel the natural sadness that comes with this.

Aggression will result if a child does not emotionally adapt and feel the futility of not always getting what they want.

On the Outs with Time-Outs

In an effort to have kids “cut it out” and “calm down,” adults may use discipline tactics that only exacerbate a child’s frustration. Time-outs, yelling, consequences, and alarming kids with threats will likely increase frustration and make the child more prone to attack. Additionally, the more you try to control an out-of-control child, the more you put your relationship in jeopardy. At the same time, we cannot just sit idly by and allow other kids to get hurt by failing to lead.

When a child is full of attacking energy, it is important to maintain the lead and create an exit from the situation or environment when possible. Trying to make headway with a child when they are full of frustration (and likely us too), is foolhardy. We can typically expect better results when their emotions have been expressed and are less intense. If we can lead them to their sadness and tears in an effective and caring way, they will be better able to cope with and learn from the futilities that are in their life. As with so many issues when it comes to children, the solution is often found through play.

Leading to a Softer Place through Play

What can we do when children seem to bounce from one tantrum or attacking behaviour to the other? Sometimes their emotional systems have shifted into overdrive and attacking energy is around every corner. Some of the signs of emotional defense include a lack of soft tears when distressed, habitual eruptions of attacking energy, and a restlessness from morning to night. How can we make headway when a child is stuck in foul frustration?

Play can be a wonderful softening agent when aggression is high. When you are at play, nothing is real, and as long as people are safe and not really attacked, this emotional energy can be expelled safely in creative ways. You can start by trying to engage the child in some form of pretend aggression such as war games (with cardboard swords), play fighting (with soft pillows), playing at being hurt (while moaning in exaggerated, comical pain), or mock aggression (growling like a bear, roaring like a lion, or barking like a dog). For example, one mother I knew used to play “honey badgers” (a notoriously ferocious and tough mammal) with her son and pretend to be aggressive and full of attacking energy. The beautiful thing about play is the brain doesn’t distinguish between what is real or pretend, thus providing the same release for the feelings of frustration.

The emotion of frustration is also expelled by play activities that try to change things or alter their form. You help express a child’s frustration when you lead them to build or fix things, reassemble and reorder them, destroy or take apart, craft, make, grow, or plant. Once a child has had time to play out their frustration and express emotion, they may be softer and easier to deal with, and may be more likely to find their words for their feelings or to be led to their sadness or disappointment.

After the Storm

Managing aggression in children is primarily about reducing their frustration and helping them have a relationship with their strong emotions, while protecting other children. The good news is, with ideal development, a child should be able to temper their strong reactions between five and seven years of age. Sensitive kids might need a little more time with the shift to greater impulse control and emotional regulation, usually arriving around seven to nine years of age. With sufficient brain development in the prefrontal cortex, maturity naturally happens, and children become able to resist the impulse to lash out when stirred up by all the things they cannot change.

Our kids are not born with words for their feelings and need adults to teach them a language to reflect their internal world. We can help facilitate alternate outcomes to frustration such as putting words to their feelings. When we focus on their frustration (as opposed to focusing on the attack, aggression, or anger), we can teach them socially appropriate ways to deal with their emotions and show them our empathy. This starts with inviting them to express what isn’t working for them or needs to change. We can then come to their side to recognize their feelings and lead them to understand how this emotion is stirred up. It is as simple as acknowledging that it is hard when we don’t get what we want or when someone doesn’t share with us.

We can also facilitate an alternate response to frustration by encouraging our kids to seek our help first when things aren’t working. You can ask them to come and get you or to use their words and call for you when they are having trouble. Knowing your child as well as you do, you can also work with them ahead of incidents, rather than in the middle of the attack, and solicit their good intentions for behaviour. For example, you might say, “Can I count on you to not grab your friend’s toys and to wait your turn?” It is far easier to get ahead of a problem than to deal with it in the heat of the moment when frustration is high.

To effectively address a frustration or aggression problem we will need to turn to the solutions that preserve our relationship while patiently steering the child towards greater maturity through strategies they can utilize. When we find a way to address the frustration that stirs kids up when the world around us cannot be changed, we help them adapt and navigate difficult experiences. As they grow, this will build trust between us and leave them to continue to seek our leadership when they need it. •

This article first appeared in EcoParent, Fall 2020 issue

Game On: Playing Your Way Through Discipline

One night my 5-year old said, “Mama, we have a problem: I don’t like to sleep.” I agreed it was a problem because unlike her, I loved to sleep. Seeing the impasse between us she offered up a solution, “Well I am going to be nocturnal like my hamster then.” I told her that this was still going to be a problem because I was diurnal. She told me, “Mama—don’t use your big words with me.”

The one thing you can count on with a young child is the more unyielding you are, the more they will dig in and resist. From battles over going to the bathroom to leaving the park, a young child routinely struggles with transitions and can launch into fits of frustration. The other side of young children is that you will never meet more playful and joyful people. They have an unparalleled capacity to make the routine things in life seem new again and their giggles are infectious. They live in the moment and have an appetite for play and imagination that is irresistible.

The challenge is that a young child is predictably unpredictable! They can swing from one emotional extreme to the other seemingly without warning. Transitions with a young child can feel like navigating land mines. Teeth do need to get brushed and breakfast does need to be eaten. While young kids live in the world of play, we live in the world of work and responsibility. Young kids don’t act like us and we can’t remember being (or thinking) like them. The gap between us is real, but instead of focusing our energy trying to make them change, we would be better off employing what we know to be consistently true of them.

Wired for Play

Play is a hard-wired instinct in the brains of all mammal species. The instinct to play never completely leaves us and young children can quickly get caught up in its energy. The challenge for adults is that our various concerns and volume of work seem to bury the places, time, and energy we have to play, and we lose all sense of its usefulness. Yet if the instinct to play is so strong in young kids, then it behooves us to discover how we might harness this capacity to use to mutual advantage in our challenging times with them.

Perhaps part of the reason why we haven’t thought of play as the answer to some of our tricky times with young kids is that we hold onto the idea that discipline teaches a child how to be more mature. Discipline is serious business! In those moments when they are doubling-down and resistant, the apparently unintuitive idea that we might play our way out of it provokes a fear that we aren’t preparing them for the “real world.” No one wants a spoiled and entitled child, but maturity doesn’t come strictly from lessons and discipline. (After all, don’t most of us know adults who behave like preschoolers despite all of the lessons and discipline they have purportedly received?) Maturity, in fact, most reliably comes from deep attachment to and security from those who care for children.

Understanding the Young Brain

If we provide the conditions for healthy development through attachment and emotional safety, then a child should naturally grow to be more tempered, accept lacks and losses, deal with change without erupting, and use their words to communicate frustration instead of hitting or screaming. From the ages of five to seven (and up to nine for more sensitive kids), a child’s brain should sufficiently develop to have the capacity for more sophisticated mixed feelings and ideas, which in turn generates emotional control and tempered behaviour. Instead of living in the moment like a preschooler does, they are able to talk about having mixed thoughts: part of me wants to do this but the other part of me wants something different, as well as pause and think before they speak. As brain development further unfolds, they can see and consider the consequences of their actions prior to acting out. The impulsive swings of emotion that are typical of the preschooler are slowly replaced with a more tempered child who can feel two things at the same time: I don’t want to go to sleep but I feel sleepy. Until then, we have to direct a young child to do things like get dressed, clean up their toys, and adhere to bedtime.

What is unique about the very young child is the exclusivity of their experience. They are engaged by what is in front of them alone and that is why transitions and being told what to do next feel like something is being taken away. This singular focus is also what makes play a wonderful strategy because it naturally grabs their attention and creates a painless segue out of the activity they are currently occupied by.

Play Over Punishment

Most traditional forms of discipline aim to change a child’s emotions or their mind to a wholly dissimilar state (from the joy of finger- painting to the harsh reality of being banished to the corner for not cleaning up!), with the end goal being obedience. From time-outs, to consequences, and “123 magic,” attempts to coerce them with threats, separation, and bribes reveal that we just don’t understand how young kids operate. Leveling consequences against them is pointless because they don’t have the capacity to thoughtfully consider what might happen when all they possess is a one-track attention span that can only focus on the present. They routinely get in trouble for reacting impulsively without any understanding from adults that they simply lack impulse control until the crucial age somewhere between five and seven (or later). When a young child is sent for a time-out (which even Canadian pediatricians now oppose), it can create insecurity in the relationship and stir up frustration and alarm over losing their attachments.

So, where does play come in? The beautiful thing about play is that it offers us a place of reprieve in difficult moments. Play is not real life and there are no real consequences. We can pretend in play that we don’t really have teeth, that we don’t have to brush our teeth, that our stuffed animal will brush our teeth for us, or that someone stole our teeth. It doesn’t matter whether teeth are real or not and that is the whole point of playing it out—that is fairly irresistible to children. The more we are in play, the less coerced our children feel. The less coerced they feel, the more we preserve their will (and avoid their defiance!). It gives us a chance to play our way through teeth brushing or diffuse the “crisis” and gently lead them back to the real world where their real teeth exist.

It’s okay that our young kids have their own mind and we should want this for them. When they are 14 or 24 years old, we will want them to chart their own course and to take responsibility for their decisions and goals, and by then we hope they will have the learned experience to back these up. Until then, the “I do it myself” mode that appears in the two- or three-year-old is the birthplace for this autonomous personhood down the road. The problem is we have to care for them at a time when they really don’t know what is good for them and are inherently prone to disagree with us—simply because we are thinking of consequences and they aren’t/can’t. We have to preserve this spirit inside of them that wants to figure things out on their own and that is where the play mode comes in handily.

Getting in Play Mode

When we are at play, we are suspended from work and the realities of life. It is in play where a child can develop a sense of agency and voice their thoughts and ideas (as wacky as they are), without any threat to their existence or to others. Play allows a child to discharge emotion and to express themselves, while at the same time preserving our relationship with them—a true win-win. The great thing about play is that after a good giggle or some absurdity like a game of hide and seek for “missing teeth,” your relationship is stronger and you are in better position to lead them.

While getting my young kids ready for bed one night, I remember them “ganging up” together and telling me they weren’t going to brush their teeth. I told them that they were funny and to get back at it, but the more I persisted, the more they resisted with all their 5-and 3 1/2-year-old might. My youngest looked at me and said, “You are not the boss of us,” and the absurdity of it registered deeply inside of me. In my head I though, “Oh, I wish sometimes I wasn’t the boss of you,” and nothing left to do but cry or push back more, I tool another path towards play. I told them since they didn’t need me anymore, I was going to go back and be a baby because it seemed juice fun. I lay down on the bathroom floor and with legs and arms flailing in the air, I cried, “Gaa gas, goo goo, poo poo, woo woo, I’m a baby, I need milky, I need hugs, I need my diaper changed,” and then burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter. While I was clearly at play, my youngest said to her sister, “Let’s never let her be the baby again okay?” With that they proceeded to brush their teeth. The surprising bonus was how good I felt after playing out my own frustration, with them none the wiser and their sense of agency preserved.

A real problem is that we don’t often feel playful between the pressures of work and rearing children but what if we just accepted from the get-go that this is what comes with caring for a young child? What if we just understood that they are single-minded, sometimes ill-tempered and prone to erupt, joyful, playful, silly, and routinely baffling, instead of trying to make them grow up, be serious, be correct, be responsible, and think about consequences (which, by the way, just doesn’t work)?

What if instead of battling our way to bed, we played our way to bedtime—from dance parties to wrestling matches, from songs we make up about our day, to fictional characters that journey with us into our dreams? What if we let play carry us instead of always having to worry about discipline and keeping our cool when they don’t have the same agenda as us? How much better-off would our relationship be if we let play carry us over the impasse that exists between the mature and the immature? What if we went right back to the place where we are all the same, where life isn’t real, where emotions are safe to come out, where fun brings us together, and just let it bond us when the difficulties of our day threaten to pull us apart? What if knowing and applying all this made our lives, in fact, easier?

Play can be the answer to so many of the conflicts we face with young children, but we don’t see it because we are often focused on the outcome rather than the most promising way of getting there. There is time enough when they will join us in maturity but for now, they offer us the unparalleled opportunity to witness and remember what it was like to be young and to feel like there is no other care in the world. When we stop pushing them to live in the world like we do (not their job) and enter into their worlds that are full of play and pretend, the differences between us will melt and we will find a way to lead them to where we need to go. The wonderful thing about play is that it has the capacity to heal and help us all if we only let it in. •

This article first appeared in 40 EcoParent | embrace the journey, Summer 2020

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Leading Our Kids Back To School

Re-entry has begun and we are now preparing to return to parts of our lives, like work and schooling, without knowing exactly what this looks like. How do we lead our children? What do they need from us? Can they adapt to the new realities of social distancing at schools and will this create anxiety and emotional problems for them? These are just a few of the questions I have been asked by parents but center around the question of – how do I lead my child(ren) back to school?

Will our kids feel safe?

Safety is an illusion and telling our children that they won’t get covid, or that we won’t get covid is not the best way to make them feel safe. Safety has much less to do with their surroundings and more to do with their connection to adults. Assuring our children that they will be ‘okay’ is far less effective when it comes to feeling secure than making sure they feel taken care of by us. In order to understand why this is so we will need to understand something about attachment and why it matters to kids.

Children are not able to take care of themselves and they can’t make sense of the world like an adult does. It is their dependency on adults that makes them feel secure as they look to them for protection, guidance, and direction. The relationship with an adult is like an emotional bubble that preserves the child’s heart. When a child is afraid, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it is this relational bubble that can provide a safe place to retreat to. Home is where the heart is, and we need our children to give their hearts to us for safe keeping.

A child doesn’t feel lost when they can count on their adults to show up for them and to lead. It doesn’t mean that all the threats in their life disappear and that they can’t be hurt, but that they are shielded from this reality as they trust their adults to lead and to provide for them. Where they are confused, they should look to their adults to lead the way and for their adults to be responsible for figuring out issues of safety.

How can parents and teachers lead?

We can work on taking care of our kids by being their compass point, caring for them in unexpected ways, providing more than they seek, listening with our full attention, and taking the lead in feeding them
We can take the lead in matchmaking our kids to their teachers and strengthening that connection. We can remind our children that their teachers have missed them and can be trusted to lean on.
We don’t know all of the details about what school will look like as they re-enter, but we can direct them to their teacher who will tell them what they need to know
We can’t say ‘everything will be okay’ as we can’t know the future but we can say that we will take care of them and they can count on that

If there was ever a time that we needed our children to rest in our care, it is now. We need to work to strengthen and preserve our relationship with them, providing more contact and closeness than they ask for and being generous in our capacity to make room for their big emotions like frustration, resistance, and fear. We need to take the lead and make decisions about schooling and whether to send them back to school.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to lead when we are full of doubts. Leadership can feel lonely and we may feel guilty as well. These are the emotions that come with parenting and we can care for our kids and lead them through these challenging times, despite all that we are feeling.

How will our kids adjust to the new restrictions and rules around social distancing?

The question of how classrooms will look and whether our children will adjust to them is understandably a big concern for parents. Schools and teachers have been working hard trying to figure these things out and should have started communicating the changes that have been put into place to parents. We can help orient our children to the changes by following the lead of the school and sharing the information they provide, for example, what supplies they can bring to school, guidelines for eating lunch, washing hands, and playing.

When we communicate information to a child that might alarm them it is best to do this in a matter of fact and non-alarming tone and manner. For example, this is how flight attendants give safety demonstrations on planes and it is how we lead our children through fire drills, lock down drills, and earthquake preparedness. Simple scripts and directions help to reduce fear and give the child a sense of agency.

One of the ways schools will be helping children adjust to the new rules around social distancing is by taking a playful approach. For example, we can sing songs to know how long to wash our hands to using hula hoops to understand social distancing. These playful approaches are strategic in helping kids adapt to new rules, experience less fear, and be less resistant to changes. Some parents might be concerned that schools aren’t taking matters more ‘seriously’ but we need to remember that play promotes feelings of safety and rest. It will take the attention off the risks and put the focus on the rules which will help our kids adjust to the new safety measures at school.

How can parents and teachers lead?

Support play as a way to learn about social distancing and the new rules and restrictions
Show support for the school and teachers by positively addressing the changes they have made
If you have concerns about the changes at the school then direct these to the appropriate adults without your child’s involvement or awareness. It is key that your child trusts their teacher even if you are working through your concerns with the school
Matchmake your child to their teacher and the school by affirming that their teacher will take care of them

Will this impact their emotional well-being and create anxiety?

Some parents are concerned that sending their child to school will create anxiety and stress. To answer this question, we will first need to consider where anxiety and stress comes from. Stress arises when you are emotionally overloaded and can’t make sense of everything in your life, and anxiety is a sure sign of this. It is important to remember that it isn’t school that is stressful per se (although there will be stressors there for sure), but that it creates separation from home and their trusted adults. Separation anxiety is from alarm at being disconnected from their caregivers and leads the child to question- “Who will take care of me now?”

If a child trusts their teacher and the adults at school to care for them then the separation from home won’t be as alarming and they will feel ‘safer’ in the care of their teachers and school. Kids feel highly alarmed when they anticipate the world is going to hurt them and there are no adults to support or take care of them. The answer is to foster a strong relationship with their teacher and make a seamless attachment team between the home and school. Parents can bridge the distance by giving the child something to hold onto that represents their relationship – a reminder of what they will do after school, an invisible string that connects them, to a picture of their family in their lunch box.

Our children can also be experiencing a range of emotions as a result of all the changes in their life. There may be frustration that they can’t be with their friends, play where they want to, and have a limited space to move in. They may be resistant to go back to school because they have enjoyed the extra time to play and the freedom from doing work while at home. Some kids are excited to go back to school and see people whereas some of our children are worried they will get sick with covid. What is the answer to all of our children’s emotions?

Emotional health and well-being requires emotional expression and for kids it helps to have someone who will listen to you. We can help our kids talk to us by acknowledging the frustration or sadness they are experiencing. Sometimes parents are worried that if they allow their children to feel sad or worried then it will never stop and their child will just ‘learn’ to be this way. This is not accurate and the more we tell someone NOT to feel, the more feelings it will create. Emotions are not right or wrong, good or bad. Emotions are here to serve us and have an intelligence all on their own. The challenge is being patient with our kid’s feelings and giving them enough room to express them.

Many parents ask how they can get their child to talk to them and the answer lies again in your connection. Find some time to spend with them one on one and just enjoy being with them. As you play together, share a hobby, or go outside together, listen with your undivided attention. Be neutral as they share their ideas and feelings with you, acknowledging how they feel – rather than how you feel about how they are feeling. When children feel the conversation has become about meeting the parents needs, they can stop talking.

If words are hard to find then play is a wonderful place to soften feelings. The very nature of play – not being real or requiring you to work at a problem, allows for feelings to be expressed without words nor consciousness. If a child is frustrated then play that changes things such as building things, destroying, putting together, taking apart, mock aggression, wrestling, arts and crafts may be helpful. If a child is alarmed you may want to play more hide and seek, building forts and hideaways, monster games, chase and so on. If your child has few words, then lead them to their expressive play.

We will likely have to make some room for frustration and some tears too. There are so many futilities that come with the changes at school – from social distancing, to missing home, that our children may be emotionally charged and on need of release. Part of the “emotional homework’ we do with our kids is to help them express what didn’t work and lead them through frustration and to disappointment and sadness. Sometimes there are many things we cannot change but we can adapt and adjust if we make room for emotion.

How can parents and teachers lead?

Bridge the home to school divide by giving your child something to hold onto that represents your relationship (i.e., what you will do after school, a picture in their lunch box
Listen to your child with your undivided attention and make time to just be together
Don’t judge how your child is feeling, and don’t act defensively about what they are telling you, or try to talk them out of their emotions
If your child is resistant to go to school you might need to explore why, come alongside their lack of desire to return, and perhaps have some tears about it
Make room for play – especially after school which can help provide some emotional discharge
Tears can be helpful in releasing alarm and you can support your child this way by naming the things that are frustrating and acknowledge how sad it is
Hold onto your relationship with your child and use this as the safe vehicle to help them express what is stirring them up inside

What about learning?

There is an order to what is most important when you are under stress. Relationship comes first, with play and tears next. Learning happens best when we feel safe in our relationship with adults or when we are at play. Helping our kids feel safe again at school, making sure they trust in their teacher to care for them, and getting our children to express themselves emotionally, are all things that must take precedence over learning.

Learning is easy when kids feel safe. Learning is hard when a child’s brain is preoccupied with questions of security and when it is emotionally overloaded. If we work to create the rest our kids need then the learning will come.

At this time the world may feel out of sorts and upside down for a child and our priority is to make them feel at home again with the adults who are there to care for them. Humans are resourceful, resilient, and amazing in their capacity to care for each other. With enough patience and focusing on what matters most of all, we can carry our children through this storm, taking comfort they are shielded from the worst because we are taking the lead.

Sorry, Not Sorry: Saying Sorry You Like You Mean It

“You need to say you’re sorry!” When problems or conflict arise, adults and other children are quick to demand justice by insisting on an apology, pushing a child to take responsibility for their actions. However, what isn’t often considered is whether a forced sorry is helpful, especially as other kids are great barometers of sincerity and can sense when words of contrition are devoid of true caring. They will be the first to demand, “You need to say sorry like you mean it!” instinctively recognizing what we adults sometimes forget in the pursuit of justice: apologies must come from the heart. While we can force our children to resentfully say those words, we can’t make them feel appropriate remorse.

When we tell our children to say sorry without considering if there is genuine caring behind it, we make a mockery out of caring and encourage fake performances. Simply uttering the “right” caring word will not make a child more civil and socially responsible, but sincerely caring about others will help them grow in the right direction. If we want our children to have integrity and have their words match their feelings, then we should not tempt them to give hollow “caring” performances. Ultimately, when it comes to saying sorry, only meaningful encounters will do.

The Capacity To Care

Caring is one of the most important human emotions, fueling healthy development and emotional maturity. It is at the very core of our concern for both ourselves and others. Caring is present in our desire to be conscientious in how we act and talk, and in how we feel responsible and act respectfully. It’s present in our desire to be interested and involved, to nurture and act non-violently despite being upset, and to be gracious and generous when mistakes are made. Without caring, human relationships do not work, and we are incapable of becoming more civil and mature. Caring is what tempers troublesome emotions, such as frustration and fear, because we care not to hurt another. When children feel their caring, they can self-actualize and bring their gifts into the world.

The good news is that caring is hardwired into the brain. Our well-being rests on attachment and connection with others, and as a species we crave togetherness because it offers us the best chance for psychological and physical survival. In short, we are better together. While we are born with the capacity to care, it requires support to be unlocked and expressed.

The Attachment Foundation

It is attachment to things and people that unlocks caring emotions in a child. When we are attached, caring cements the relationship and makes contact and closeness work for each person, and when adults build strong relationships with children, a child’s expression of caring will increase and deepen. To feel a vulnerable emotion like caring, we must first be cared for.

Attachment for a child can happen in many ways, but ideally develops over the first six years of life (although it is never too late to cultivate it!). Children will fall into attachment when there is a generous caretaker who is emotionally safe and engages with them in a meaningful way. As attachment forms, a natural desire will emerge to stay close, to feel a sense of belonging and loyalty, and to love back and feel safe enough to share their secrets. It is the invitation for relationship from a caring adult that opens the child’s attachment instincts and the capacity to care deeply about others.

When you realize that caring is instinctive then it should be obvious that we don’t need to teach our children to care. You only need to watch a young child care for pets, siblings, and possessions to see how these innate emotions appear all on their own. If we want our children to be more caring, then we need to work at our relationship with them and let that be the model for other interpersonal exchanges.

Safe Homes, Soft Hearts

In addition to a safe attachment to a caregiver, for children to feel vulnerable emotions they also need soft hearts. When a child feels too unsafe, too alarmed, or too much separation, the brain can move to defend them from fully experiencing the vulnerability of the moment. These defences do not mean there is a problem with their brain; rather, it is a sacrifice play by the brain in order to preserve the functioning in the child.

To put it another way, if feeling emotion gets in the way of surviving, then the brain will suppress emotions that lead to too much upset and emotional overwhelm. This is the reason why the “cry-it-out” sleep training method (without adult comfort), seems to “work.” The child’s brain will simply shut down emotional distress when it is too much to bear, but it comes at the expense of the child’s caring and desire to be close.

Cultivating A Caring Child

How do you know if your child is caring? You will see it in the way they are kind to others or the way they desire to be close to you. Children who cannot feel their vulnerable emotion don’t talk about feeling sad or scared. Indeed, they can seem flat and unaffected, or conversely, be aggressive and unyielding. If we see signs of a child not having caring emotions, then we need to reduce separation, alarm, and increase relational safety to bring back those vulnerable emotions. For example, this might mean helping a child who is struggling at school to feel more connected to their teacher by focusing on things they have in common. Relationships are the safe homes for a child’s soft heart.

To cultivate caring kids who take responsibility for their actions and words we need to lead them in making amends from a place of caring. When a sorry is needed, it is better to ask them, “Do you have any sorrys in you to give to this person?” This question directs the child’s attention to what they are feeling inside, rather than requiring them to perform as a person who is caring in order to avoid punishment. The goal is to anchor the child’s expression of caring to the emotion of caring. When emotion and expression are joined together, they form a powerful alliance that anchors the child so that they can do the right thing even if no one is watching. When their internal conscience and compass is built so that words match emotion, a child will naturally become more civil and socially appropriate.

If a child responds to the question of sorrys with a no, then the goal is to alert the child that a sorry is needed and when their sorrys “come back” then they are to deliver one. This can also happen in private so that the offended party’s immediate justice-seeking doesn’t thwart attempts for a genuine sorry. Allowing your child to play out their feelings, keeping them close and connected, are just some of the ways we can bide our time until the sorry eventually returns. When it does, we can then prompt the child to deliver it.

“When emotion and expression are joined together, they form a powerful alliance that anchors the child so that they can do the right thing even if no one is watching.”

It is important to keep in mind that children under the age of seven can only process one emotion at a time. When they are full of frustration, they do not feel caring. Conversely, when they are full of caring, they will not feel any frustration. Patiently waiting and helping to move them through frustration may be required.

If a child’s sorrys don’t ever seem to come back, then the issue may possibly be with some of the relationships they have, or that their heart isn’t soft in some circumstances. In either of these cases, take these as signs that more emotional support, a deepening of relationships, or softening of the heart is needed.

We cannot command a child to feel, as their emotions are unique to them and must come from within. However, we can lead a child to their caring feelings or facilitate their return by taking care of the child until they do. When we get our children connected to their feelings, then nature can do the rest, growing them into socially responsible and caring individuals.

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Spring 2020, www.ecoparent.ca

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.

The Sorry Plane is a playful introduction for kids and their caregivers to the importance of understanding and respecting our feelings. Brilliantly illustrated with captivating images by artist Zoe Si, The Sorry Plane carries a profound message about the importance of connecting with our authentic emotions. It highlights how a good sorry is one that you mean from the heart and how we adults can preserve a child’s caring spirit.

The Sorry Plane bears the Neufeld Institute Recommended seal which highlights children’s literature that is congruent with developmental science as well as with the relational-developmental approach articulated by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, PhD

“Say Sorry!” How Forced Sorry’s Do More Harm Than Good

If you are around a playground or schoolyard long enough you are bound to hear a child or adult say, “You need to say you’re sorry.” These words are meant to soothe hurts, prevent kids from taking justice into their own hands, and convey rules for behaviour.

You will also hear kids point out insincere sorry’s when they hear them and demand, “you need to say sorry like you mean it!” Forced sorry’s sound hollow because they are usually devoid of genuine caring. The problem is that while we can force a child to say sorry, it doesn’t mean that they feel remorse.

In our haste to get children to look mature and to say the ‘right thing’, we have lost sight that manners must be rooted in the right meanings. What good are manners if they don’t have caring behind them and what are we really teaching a child? While we can force them to say ‘sorry’ under threat of punishment, does this translate into a child doing the right thing when no one is looking? To put it another way – if we make a child repeat caring phrases will this lead to a more caring child?

We also demand caring performances from our children when it comes to saying thank you or giving affection to others. Do we stop and consider whether a child feels gratitude and caring before they say thank you? Do we tell our children to give hugs to people or to be ‘nice’ when they have little desire to be close, thus overriding and discounting the feelings that they do have? Such actions deny a child a sense of agency over their body and their feelings. This is a dangerous practice when considering what kids need to flourish and to be safe.

There is nothing wrong or misguided in wanting our children to grow as socially responsible and emotionally mature beings. This growth must come from caring and not at the expense of it. Healthy development requires that one’s words match one’s meanings. This is the essence of integrity and authenticity, the cornerstones of selfhood. There is a way to get there but forcing our children to give false performances only becomes a mask that wears thin under pressure. The path to becoming civil and socially responsible is made possible through caring, and it is our job to cultivate it.

Focus on caring as a vulnerable emotion

What we need to focus on is whether a child feels vulnerable emotion. Does the child have feeling words to describe their emotions? Can they get to their tears when they are facing things that won’t go their way? Do they feel badly when they have hurt someone else? Many bullies have been told to say sorry to their victims, but this hasn’t changed the bully or made them more caring.

Children will be more caring to others when they are full of caring feelings. We need to get our children to their caring feelings and let these take the lead in their interactions with others. The question is where does caring come from in the first place?

The capacity to care is hardwired into our emotional system at birth but it needs support to emerge. It is ironic and yet a simple design, when we are cared for, the capacity to care opens inside us. Caring needs attachment to kick start it – you need something to care about. In other words, children need to be cared for in order to unlock their capacity to care for others and things around them.

Caring for a child is the work of attachment. When we cultivate strong connections with our children and assume responsibility for taking care of them, a child is brought to rest. As Gordon Neufeld states, “A child must not work for our love but rest in it.” When a child can take for granted that their relational needs will be met, their emotional system roars to life and they are drawn into relationship with their caretakers. Relationship begets relationship; and caring grows caring in them.

A good attachment involves cultivating a strong relationship by providing a sense of sameness, belonging, loyalty, significance, love, and sharing of secrets (see Chapter 4 in Rest, Play, Grow). When our children can take our invitation for relationship for granted, they can rest in our care and grow into the caring beings that nature intended. It is never too late to strengthen our relationship with a child and it is never too late to grow more caring as a result.

What we need to remember is that our children come with an innate caring spirit that grows them into civil, social, and considerate beings. Our job is not to force them to act as if they care, but to grow their caring from the inside out.

Our children’s emotions are in trouble

Caring has become a key focus in educational settings and in the home. We are quick to jump on signs that children have hurt others and grow increasingly concerned with the rise of aggression in schools, bullying among children that has turned lethal, as well as increasing emotional problems such as anxiety, depression, and suicide.

In 2011, researchers in the United States found that in comparison to 15 years ago, youth displayed forty percent less empathy. Along with this finding was a similar decrease in their ability to understand the perspectives of others, an essential component in empathy, along with caring. It is under these conditions that racism, homophobia, and misogyny flourish and take hold. If all you can consider is your own perspective and there is a lack of caring, then a self-absorbed viewpoint can easily become one’s reality.

As children increasingly wound each other and grow more uncaring, we have responded by becoming more preoccupied in teaching them how to care. We never stopped to consider whether caring was something that was meant to be taught in the first place?

We know through developmental science that we are born with deep instincts and emotions to care for oneself and others. This is evident in young children as they take care of their toys or younger siblings. The challenge with young children is that they can only experience one emotion at a time so if they are frustrated, their caring is eclipsed and all we may see is attacking behaviour (see chapter two in Rest, Play, Grow for more information on the Preschooler Personality).

By the time a child’s brain develops the capacity to hold onto two emotions or thoughts at the same time, coined the 5 to 7-year shift, their brain will naturally temper their frustration with caring feelings if present. In other words, nature has an answer to making us more civil and mature by allowing our children to feel caring and frustration/upset at the same time. This internal conflict puts the brakes on a child lashing out without thinking, and allows them to consider how they might hurt someone and to stop before they do. In other words, it is caring that stops behaviour that is uncivil, unkind, and threatening to others.

Humans are hard wired to care as this is key to our survival. When our children lack caring then it should alert us to the immaturity that still exists in them or that their vulnerable feelings have gone missing. While we can all temporarily lose our caring feelings, when it is more frequent or persistently missing in a child then it can be a sign that something is not working as it should in their world. In short, when a child’s caring goes missing it should alert us that they need more care from us.

Illustration by Zoe Si, The Sorry Plane

So what do we do about saying sorry then?

Instead of commanding a child to give a caring performance and say “I am sorry,” we need to lead a child to their caring feelings. For some children it is about focusing on the emotion that is driving them – like their frustration. By coming alongside their emotions, we can help them express what isn’t working or what they are struggling with. When we convey to the child what isn’t okay, for example, hands are not for hitting, we can also convey that the relationship is okay. The focus needs to be on a child’s meanings first such as, “Do you have any sorry’s in you?” You could also give a child the benefit of doubt and suggest that, “mistakes happen and when they do, we need to find our sorry’s and give one to the person that got hurt.”

If we believe that children lash out because they have immature brains and that their emotions sometimes get the better of them, then we can be patient and focus on their emotion first. Instead of tackling behaviour, we will have faith that nurturing their feelings is what bears the real fruits of maturity in the long run.

In the children’s picture book, The Sorry Plane, the mother leads her children to their sorry’s. One child gets there quickly but the other child digs in her heels, protesting and claiming there are no sorry’s in her. This is a true story – these were my kids and I was that mother in the story. Instead of commanding a false performance, the mother conveys that a sorry is needed and that in time, she believes it will come. While the young child protests and leads them on a wild goose chase to find them, the mother is both caring and firm in her stance that sorry’s do come back. In the end, the child softens and tells her sister she is sorry with heartfelt caring and sincerity. There is nothing like an apology full of caring that can draw the forgiveness out of another person. The Sorry Plane is a reminder that we need to have faith that caring will lead our children to do what is right.

One day while on yard duty supervising children at an elementary school, a boy ran up to me and told me someone had pulled Thomas’s pants down and he was crying. As I reached a hoard of 7-year old boys huddled around a sobbing Thomas, I saw his brother Oscar comforting him. I told Thomas I was there to help and could see he was upset, and that I had heard what had happened. I asked the boys to find the boy who had pulled Thomas’s pants down and to ask this boy to come and see me. It was then that his brother started to cry and confessed that it was him who had pulled Thomas’s pants down. My heart went out to Oscar, now in equal distress to his brother.

When I looked at Oscar I saw a boy who cared deeply about his brother and was full of remorse for what he had done. I said to Oscar that I imagined he must have been very frustrated if he had pulled his brother’s pants down. He agreed and said, “the ball just came and hit me so hard in the stomach that I just pulled my brother’s pants down.” I thought to myself, of course you did, there was no better person to unleash such pain and frustration on than a brother that cared for you and you would be safe with. I told Oscar that I could see he was sorry, and that he needed to make amends to his brother. He readily agreed, although I think his brother needed a little more time to find his forgiveness.

The most important thing …

The most important thing is not the words “I am sorry’ but what is behind it. It is our caring feelings that make us fully human and humane. It is caring that needs to drive us forward. So what is our job then when it comes to raising kids who care?

We must nurture our children’s caring spirits by taking care of our relationship with them. This means we need to support and provide safety when their tears must come. We need to preserve and cultivate our relationship with them by playing together, eating together, and cherishing each other. We must protect against the lure of a competitive, outcome driven, work obsessed, materialistic culture, that threatens to pull us out of orbit from one another. Our greatest gifts and joys are not from things we get nor the depersonalized pursuits we follow but what happens when we show up for each other.

Our most important task as parents is to take care of our children’s hearts. Caring is our superpower and caring is the possibility that lies dormant in each of our children. We bring our children to life through caring, and in return, their caring is a beautiful gift to us all.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.

When Push Comes to Shove: The Answer to Children’s Aggression

Aggressive behaviour in children can be alarming. Hitting, screaming and yelling, fighting with others, and even eye rolling are emotionally charged actions that can leave parents at a loss for how to respond.

Getting to the root of aggression is key to helping your child navigate their feelings and develop self-control. If we focus only on our child’s aggressive behaviour and lack insight into what drives it then we may view our child as mean-spirited, entitled, spoiled, inconsiderate, or in need of retaliatory “tough love”. We may be provoked to respond with threats, punishments, and even physical force, which exacerbates the problem and does little to help our child mature emotionally. In short, it is hard to change a child’s behaviour when you don’t grasp what fuels it. By understanding aggression and the role it plays in human nature, adults are in a better position to help change the behaviour at a root level. The good news is there a lot we can do to support a child in developing self-control over their big emotions.

IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL

As a parent, you’ve likely experienced how a child’s emotions can change seemingly without warning—from happy and content to screaming and stomping at some perceived wrong. This lack of tempering and self-control in children isn’t personal but developmental. A very young child may promise they won’t hit again only to turn around and strike someone minutes later. When asked why they didn’t stop hitting they might say, “I forgot.” And as frustrating as that statement can be, in that moment, they are likely being truthful, as a child can only keep one thought or feeling in their head at a time. By the age of seven, kids who are maturing well have developed the cognitive capacity to better manage their emotions.

Too often we take our children’s emotions personally instead of seeing them as a means of communication. When we shift our perspective on aggression, we are more likely to gain insight into the emotions that are driving the child and focus on helping them develop emotional maturity. Our children’s emotions are the way their brain moves them to solve problems, and they are hard-wired to demand expression.

FRUSTRATION CUES, AGGRESSION ANSWERS

Many people assume that aggression is the result of anger. However, there is a more fundamental emotion that fuels aggression: frustration. Frustration is the emotion that moves us to seek change—whether to make something happen or to make something stop happening. When it collides head-on with the realization that there are certain things we just can’t have or are unable to change, frustration is compounded, sometimes giving way to aggressive behaviours. The job of parents is to help little ones navigate their frustration by finding words for it or alternate forms of expression that don’t hurt others.

Rather than just focusing on getting a child to stop the behaviour, the trick to dealing with aggression is to focus on the feeling behind the action. Frustration in the child is where we need to pay attention and recognize what we may have missed, like a child who is tired or hungry. A child’s frustrated actions are a call to us to take the lead and change what isn’t working, rather than just engaging in a head-to-head battle. Sometimes it’s as simple as providing a snack or instigating naptime, but there are also times when we can’t change what isn’t working and need strategies to help them accept the limits and boundaries that come with life.

Lead through the storm

Understandably, children aren’t always eager to accept our limits and restrictions; in fact, they are well known for pushing back against them. Part of the challenge in dealing with children’s frustration is not letting our own frustration at their actions make matters worse. When we punish or administer consequences, we effectively fuel their frustration which often leads to an escalation of attacking behaviour. I once overheard a mother punish her child because he didn’t follow her by taking away his screen time. Not only did he still not follow, but he hit her and the escalation of aggression between them grew. Instead of meeting the child where he was and working through his perceived defiance, the mother’s emotions led them into a dangerous spiral. As tough as it is, we need to try and stay out of the aggression whirlpool and plant ourselves firmly in the ground of the relationship.

In the key of empathy

In difficult moments, it can feel daunting to be patient in the face of a child’s frustration, let alone aggression. It can be helpful to focus on frustration and to come alongside their emotions, from the unpleasantness of the decision you have made—whether it’s having to follow along in a boring grocery store, or not getting another cookie, not being able to stay up late, or not attending a much-desired event. Granting a child the time and space to grasp and realize that life is full of disappointments and helping them acknowledge that it feels bad is time well spent. If the child is moved to tears, then the frustration is shifted to sadness, and away from hurting others.

Preserve your relationship

What happens when the opportunity to calmly commiserate or wipe away tears of disappointment has passed? When a child isn’t ready to give up what they want, their frustration can be outright foul. Hostile behaviour, throwing, biting, screaming, head-banging, fits of rage, and verbal insults can result as that venting ramps up into aggression.

One of the most important things we can do when a child is lashing out in frustration is aim to preserve our relationship with them, especially since a lack of connection in such times can make aggression worse. This means leading through the impasse by being patient, yet firm, and possibly changing the circumstances around the child, such as removing items that can be thrown, and taking other children out of harm’s way. It is especially helpful to stop what we are doing and give a child our full attention without giving in to our own frustration.

Gently reminding a child that frustration needs to be expressed through words that aren’t hurtful is an important strategy. Similarly, preserve their dignity by avoiding statements like, “You are so mean!” or “Why do you hurt people?” These succeed only in shaming the child and suggests there is something wrong with them for having the emotion of frustration. By coming alongside the child and acknowledging that they are having a hard time, you help reduce the aggression and keep the relationship healthy.

Handling an aggressive situation when your own reserves are drained can be hard to do, not just for you, but also for your child. In a worst-case-scenario where patience is stretched to its thinnest, aim for doing no harm to the relationship before you attempt to quell the storm. To keep everyone’s dignity intact, it’s okay to wait until emotions have discharged before talking to your child about what was driving them and what your expectations are.

We all know (or have been parented by) parents who dismiss, suppress, or debase their children’s feelings. While in the short run it might produce a docile child, muzzling the emotions can lead to problems with emotional and behavioural combustion down the road. Rather than using logic to convince feelings to go away or denying the realness and legitimacy of emotions, children need the opportunity to express, recognize, and mature into their feelings. The real answer to aggression is supporting a child’s healthy emotional development and to grow within them the ability to control, reflect on, and find civil ways to deal with their big emotions. •

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane.

This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine Winter 2019

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Why Should I Care? How to raise caring kids

This article was first published in EcoParent Magazine, Winter 2018 edition, www.ecoparent.ca

We get take delight watching kids when they are full of caring: from the kindness they show siblings, to helping others out, to paying attention in school. We also watch in horror when children are cruel to each other, dominate and bully, or selfishly put their needs first without considering others. What is the difference between caring and uncaring kids? When caring is absent on a consistent basis, is this due to genetics, parenting, school issues, modeling from other kids, or something else within the child themself?

The challenge is that we can’t make sense of uncaring actions until we can make sense of caring ones; that is, where does caring and empathy come from in the first place? How do kids grow up to be socially and emotionally responsible people, and what is the role of adults to make sure they get there?

Caring on the outside

There are two primary schools of thought on the development of caring and empathy, and like two sides of a fence, you can only pick one side to be on. One approach is more popular and widely held but it is not supported by current developmental science and neuroscientific research. The other approach is less understood, partly because of new research emerging on the development of the affective (emotion) system. In other words, most parents and educators stand by an approach to raising caring kids that is the least likely to be effective. We should care about this. Research on U.S. youth finds that in comparison to 15 years ago, youth are 40% less likely to show empathy and caring towards others. This has untold consequences for our homes, schools, and our communities.

The first approach to cultivating caring kids is based on behaviourism and learning theory. The main idea is that children learn to act maturely and can be trained to behave better. Reinforcements such as positive rewards are used to increase the likelihood of caring behaviour. The critical question that isn’t asked when rewards are motivating the behaviour: Is it really “caring” at all, given that it is a self-serving act? When you act in a caring way to get a reward, then you are really taking care of your needs and not someone else’s. This is the opposite of empathy or altruism and characteristic of narcissism and entitlement.

Behaviour and learning theory also believe in the converse power of negative reinforcement or punishment to correct a child’s lack of uncaring actions. Negative reinforcement means you take away something a child cares about or isolate them with time outs to “teach them a lesson they won’t forget.” This approach is based on a belief that pain is a great teacher and that administering unpleasant things will make a child stop being mean, uncaring, rude, or disrespectful. What gets overlooked are the emotions that underlie the behaviour; that is, what is driving a child to hurt someone else? Bad behaviour doesn’t appear out of the blue: it is connected to something that isn’t working for the child, that needs to change, or that the child needs help to adapt to. Without understanding the underlying issue or having words to express what isn’t working, a child won’t develop a greater capacity to handle their more “troublesome” emotions.

The problem with a learning approach to caring is that it misses the emotion that should drive it. Rewarding caring teaches kids that they can act in a caring fashion without feeling the emotion that should root it. You can get caring behaviour out of a child but it doesn’t mean the child is caring, it could just be a performance for the sake of reward. What happens to a child’s caring when the adults are no longer rewarding the behaviour? Does the child do the “right thing” when there is no personal benefit attached to it? In other words, you can make a child say sorry, but it doesn’t mean they feel remorse. You can make them say thank you, but it doesn’t mean they feel gratitude. You can make them say many things, but this doesn’t mean the words are connected to the caring that should be at the root of them.

The instinct to care about people and things is unlocked when kids feel cared for.

Caring from the inside out

The perspective of developmentalists (who study how kids grow), as well as neuroscience, is that you don’t have to teach a child to care. Caring is already in us and ready to come out if the environment supports its development. The question we should ask is: How can we get a child’s caring emotions to the surface? Fortunately, the developmentalists have some answers for us.

The instinct to care about people and things is unlocked when kids feel cared for. This caring can come from a teacher, parents, siblings, grandparents, or a pet. It is feeling cared for by others that opens up the instincts and movement to be a caretaker to others. When you feel loved and taken care of by others, your capacity to love and care for people and things is unlocked. You don’t have to teach a child to care for a doll, their parents, or a sibling. These caring actions come to the surface when the conditions support their development and expression.

The developmentalists are also clear that empathy isn’t something you can directly teach. Empathy is being able to take another person’s perspective into account and see the world from their perspective. Empathy requires not only caring but also the accompanying growth in the pre-frontal cortex that usually arrives between five to seven years old with ideal development. A child needs to be able to take two things, two people, or two thoughts and emotions into account before they can truly be capable of empathy. This won’t be possible until sufficient brain development has occurred. Young kids are still trying to figure out their own story before being bombarded with the stories and needs of so many other people. Empathy is a developmental milestone that most kids should be nearing as they enter kindergarten or first grade.

What are the implications for parents and educators based on a developmental approach to growing caring kids?

Caring kids feel cared for by adults in their life.
Caring is an emotion which needs to be felt, not taught.
A lack of caring in a child suggests an emotional issue that needs to be addressed.
We need to keep our own caring when dealing with a child who has lost theirs.
We should move away from rewarding kids for caring behaviour because it is no longer genuine caring when self- interest is involved.

We all want caring kids, and uncaring acts should concern us. The solution lies in how we care for our kids, whether they feel cared for by us, if their hearts are soft, and whether they can feel vulnerable emotions. Children’s hearts can become hardened when faced with a lack of caretaking by parents or when they have been too wounded by others. Caring for a child with warmth, love, connection, relationship, generosity, and invitation is the key to unlocking their potential for caring. Protecting our relationship with them, ensuring competing relationships to devices or peers remain in check, and assuring them that they can rest safely in our care is the key.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages.

My preschooler wants to marry me – should I say yes?

My 4 ½ year old nephew decided one day that he wanted to marry everyone who lived in his house. With great determination he located his mother, sister, and two brothers and placed his forehead to their forehead, eyes locked, and said, “I marry you.” After 4 consecutive marriages he found his dog and held her head against his head and declared, “I marry you too.” The only person who received a formal marriage proposal was his father who heard, “Daddy, I marry you too okay?”

By five years of age my two children expressed sentiments of deep and abiding love for their father and I too. My youngest daughter wouldn’t hold a boy’s hand in her dance class despite being told to repeatedly by her teacher. When I asked her why she wouldn’t touch the boy she said, “because I am going to marry my Daddy.” My eldest expressed her devotion through art and heartfelt messages of love notes, it is a wonderful time when a preschooler gives you their heart.

But why are preschoolers at this age moved to profess their love for the people they are closest to if the conditions are ideal? What are they really asking us and how can we best answer them?

It’s the birthplace of emotional intimacy …

When a child between the ages of 4 to 6 professes their love for someone it signals that a deep attachment is unfolding due to healthy development. This deep love comes on the heels of feeling significant to their loved ones as well as a strong sense that they matter to them a lot. It also comes after a sense of belonging and loyalty has been established between them, as well as a desire to be the same as them.

Marriage is one way a child may express the arrival of this deeper level of connection, especially if this is how love is expressed around them culturally. What you are witnessing is the birthplace of love and emotional intimacy. It means they now carry you inside their ‘heart’ and that the emotional parts of their brain have become engaged along with their attachment instincts. This deep connection is the result of many years of consistent, predictable, and reliable caretaking by their adults. It is the natural evolution in a relationship that contains warmth, enjoyment, as well as an unwavering invitation to be close, despite conduct and performance. It is something to be celebrated and not feared.

Healthy development requires that a child feel deeply rooted to a person they call ‘home.’ This provides the fuel to play and to grow. It is the place you return to when you face adversity and to find rest. Being attached at the heart level allows a child to spread their wings and explore, always knowing they are able to take their loved ones with them through a heart connection.

When a child gives their heart away to an adult, then this adult has the power to shield that child’s heart with their own. The wounding words of other kids don’t seem to hurt as much, and the despair that can set in after big losses can be processed through tears and feelings of sadness.

The goal of development is to free a child from their dependence on adults by providing the conditions in which they can truly mature. Being connected at the heart level allows a child to stretch and reach their full human potential as an independent being. It moves them to follow and obey their closest attachments and subdues their natural resistance and opposition that comes with increasing autonomy or just disagreeing with your agenda.

When a child connects to their adults at the heart level it also becomes a template for future relationships and friendships. It can become the benchmark against which they set expectations as to how they should be treated by others. Being able to give your heart to another person in a vulnerable way is the natural antidote to narcisissim and self-absorption. You learn that love is not something that you hold onto for yourself but is something you freely give to others without conditions.

A deep connection immunizes a child against falling for cheap substitutes that act loving towards them but are really self-serving in nature. They are also more likely to seek out people who can truly nourish them at the deepest levels. The capacity to love is unlocked inside a child because they have been deeply loved by others and love them back – this is how emotional intimacy is born.

We need to say yes…

There is no greater gift as a parent than to be given a child’s heart for safe keeping, but how do we reply to their requests for marriage?

We need to say yes ….

Yes, I care for you deeply and carry you in my heart
Yes, I will always be your mother/father
Yes, I am yours
Yes, you are mine
Yes, this love is forever

When our children give us their hearts we need to say yes – and not a simple yes to reassure them that “I love you too.” It has to be the type of yes that resounds deeply in their bones that we love them more.

Our gift back to them is to let them feel that it is us who loved them first – before they could love, before they could feel deeply, and even before their heart started to beat. Our promise to them is that they won’t have to work for our love and that this is something we give to them freely – without conditions.

If we don’t say yes to a deeper bond with them they cannot hold onto us. We don’t have to agree or disagree with their marriage proposal at face value but rather, answer their question at the place that it matters. We need to answer the deepest hunger they have and one that can only be filled with an invitation for relationship that is unwavering. A deeper love between us is nature’s plan.

One day, when they are older, we may get to watch them give their heart to another person and hear those words, “for better or worse, and in sickness and in health,” to cement their relationship. We may remember back to a time when they gave their heart to us too and we will take comfort knowing that we dwelled there first and that first loves are forever.

THE NECESSITY OF Expression

THE DANGERS OF Suppression

THE PATH TO MATURE Expression

Play it out

Heart to heart

Daily debrief

Them’s fighting words!

The Heat is On

Plan of Attack

On the Outs with Time-Outs

Leading to a Softer Place through Play

After the Storm

Wired for Play

Understanding the Young Brain

Play Over Punishment

Getting in Play Mode

Will our kids feel safe?

How can parents and teachers lead?

How will our kids adjust to the new restrictions and rules around social distancing?

How can parents and teachers lead?

Will this impact their emotional well-being and create anxiety?

How can parents and teachers lead?

What about learning?

The Capacity To Care

The Attachment Foundation

Safe Homes, Soft Hearts

Cultivating A Caring Child

“When emotion and expression are joined together, they form a powerful alliance that anchors the child so that they can do the right thing even if no one is watching.”

Focus on caring as a vulnerable emotion

Our children’s emotions are in trouble

So what do we do about saying sorry then?

The most important thing …

Caring on the outside

The instinct to care about people and things is unlocked when kids feel cared for.

Caring from the inside out

It’s the birthplace of emotional intimacy …

We need to say yes…

Dr. Deborah MacNamara

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