Freedom of Expression: Guiding kids’ emotions into maturity

It is not unusual to see a child stomp in frustration, yell when they’re upset, and drag their heels when they feel hurried. Even after a good or uneventful day at daycare or school, meltdowns may appear later at home in the form of resistance over chores or homework. Parents may feel bewildered by the extreme emotional reactions they witness in their kids—after all, haven’t they been told a hundred times to use their words and communicate clearly to get what they want?

Emotions are invisible and mysterious, while actions are anything but and often distract us from the real problem. What we need to remember about emotions is that they, themselves, are not problems, but they are trying to solve them. Their cries of alarm or frustration are meant to get our attention so we can help fix or change what is not working, or help them adapt. The challenge is that sometimes the way a child expresses their emotions can create problems for the people around them. If you want to know what emotion a child is experiencing, then you only need to consider their behaviour and how they are moving in the world. A child who feels secure may venture out to play, getting lost in discovery and exploration; but a scared child will run for safety to a parent and a frustrated one may angrily lash out when feeling thwarted.

When a child’s behaviour is difficult, we can become preoccupied with reinforcing rules and expectations while losing sight of how emotions, a brilliant system of communication, are driving a child from within. How we respond to a child when their behaviour is emotionally fuelled is key to helping them become more mature— but many “disciplinary” practices can make matters worse and fan the flames of upset, leaving us not only no further ahead, but actually working against us.

THE NECESSITY OF Expression

Emotional health cannot be achieved if emotions cannot be expressed. The force they exert compels them to come out of us in some way. Young children are just learning about their emotions and are naturally often at a loss for words or any insight into what they are feeling. With maturity we should acquire a vocabulary to match our feelings and use it to communicate them in (hopefully) more respectful ways. But this is the end goal and never the place we start from. This is where parents and caretakers must come in and help teach not just words, but a language of the heart.

Simply shouting, “Cut it out!” and “Calm down!” can do more harm than good. Just like a pressure cooker, when emotions are bottled up, they often lead to uncontrolled explosions. The idea that we must, from day one, suppress our emotions fails to recognize that they need to move through us so they can communicate that something is working or not working, especially when we’re too young to articulate it. Our emotional world is a source of intelligence when it come to our needs, and it will do anything in its power to meet those needs.

What many people don’t realize is that young kids can’t regulate their emotions due to immature brains. It takes five to seven years of healthy brain development to create the neural pathways required to integrate strong emotions and provide impulse control. Until that time, adults, and not preschooler brains, are the only tempering agent children have to help regulate their emotions and behaviour. The crux of this job is to prevent them from hurting themselves or others with impulsive reactions, and not to prohibit them from having feelings or expressing them. Methods like separation punishment, withholding affection, or yelling are solutions that solve nothing in the long term and only serve to cultivate a deeper uncertainty about your relationship.

THE DANGERS OF Suppression

We need to make it safe for our kids to express their emotions and convey that we are there to help them through their big feelings. The goal is not to try and make our children feelanything differently, it is rather to support and model the movement of those emotions so they can learn to understand and exert influence over their expression.

One key to supporting a child is to make sure our reactions to their emotions don’t create more distress for them (and therefore, in turn, us) nor communicate a diminished desire to care for them. If their behaviour leads to a more insecure relationship with an adult, then their brain may “press down” on their emotions in order to preserve their connection. This is a costly move—one that inhibits emotional development and prevents the adult from being able to help forward maturity in the child by creating an atmosphere of insecurity.

The prevalent forms of discipline used with children either take away what a child cares about or remove them from the people they want to be close to. These tactics communicate that there is no expression without undesirable repercussion: What you say or do may be held against you where it hurts the most. If you have to be “good”, even when you’re feeling bad, and expressing your feelings leads to separation, then emotional expression will indeed decrease, but in its place will easily grow more anxiety and aggression.

THE PATH TO MATURE Expression

The good news is there are many natural ways we can make room for our children’s emotions, nurture their brains to manage emotions well, and preserve their well-being. It is also possible to set limits with children while still conveying we are there to help with their upset. The objective is not to stop expression but to give it some room to move, and, importantly, to avoid any damage to the relationship so that development continues to move in a healthy direction guided by a capable and trusted parent.

Play it out

One of the natural ways children express emotion is during play where there are no real outcomes or consequences. As developmentalist Lawrence Cohen states, “Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day. Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” If we want to help children release their emotions, then we need to create the conditions for play.

True play is when a child is free to engage with their surroundings and nothing is taken at face value. Their frustration is expressed through creating, building, destroying, or transforming objects around them. Emotions such as alarm can be discharged through play that incorporates some fear like pretend monsters, being chased or rescued, having to hide to avoid capture, or surviving on your own. The child is able to express themselves without repercussion in the safety of play, often emerging from it softer and more emotionally vulnerable.

The role of adults is to provide and protect the places where children can play and invite them to experience music, stories, art, dance, or motion, all of which help their emotional systems discharge and recalibrate. The research on the correlation between loss of play and emotional problems in kids is substantial. The message is clear: Caregivers need to be play advocates when it comes to children’s emotional health and well-being.

Heart to heart

To come to a child’s side means to take a supportive role and not an adversarial one when dealing with their behaviour and emotion. While we don’t have to agree with them about their behaviour or even the “reasons” for it, we can connect with them at the heart level and try to empathize with them there. Acknowledging the emotion that is underneath their behaviour will increase their sense of connectedness to us. When we say, “You seem like you had a long day at school and are tired and frustrated” or “Help me understand what is stirring you up” we are inviting them to put into words the emotions that are driving them—which is both exactly what they need to hear and exactly what we want to teach. When we put the focus on the emotion instead of the behaviour and encourage them to express themselves, we learn to work together to find a way through the challenges.

It is also important that we don’t focus on our own emotions about their behaviour. We don’t need to communicate to our children how we feel, which could further overwhelm them and give them more emotion, not less, to deal with. It is also not our children’s job to care for our feelings. In revealing our struggles with a child, we may inadvertently convey that we don’t know what to do with them, thus alarming and frustrating them further.

As we come alongside and help them find and use words for their experiences, we will teach them a language of the heart. With words to communicate their emotional world and brain development that allows impulse control, both of which happen in supportive and safe environment, a child will naturally become more emotionally mature. I still remember the day my daughter proudly told me that her hand wanted to hit something because she was frustrated but it didn’t and that this was a good thing.

Daily debrief

There are a number of daily rituals that help us check in and debrief with our kids on their experiences and emotions. There is something unique about bedtime and having a parent’s undivided attention that makes a child want to talk. It is often here they may tell you about hard parts of their day or other stories about how they are feeling. As we listen and reflect on their emotions, we will be helping them to make sense of things and forward their emotional development.

Morning rituals can also help a child settle into their day, including reading books at cuddle time. Slowing down and making room for connection and orienting to the plan for the day without rushing can go a long way toward preventing emotional upset and upheaval. Shared mealtimes are an excellent time to check in with each other. Sometimes the after-school pick-up or ride home from daycare is a good time to connect and listen too.

There is nothing like the force of an immature child to test the emotional maturity of adults. The challenge is to not let our own emotions get the better of us and take it out on them. Emotional maturity takes time and patience and is as sophisticated as cognitive development. Kids need loving support, emotional guides, and caregivers who show they believe that maturity is around the corner by allowing their emotions to play out safely through their natural course. •

This article first appeared in the Spring 2021 edition of EcoParent Magazine

Copyright — Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet counselling center, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 11 languages, and a children’s picture book The Sorry Plane. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca

Sense and Sensitivity: Understanding the Sensitive Child

Sensitive kids are everywhere. Their numbers are estimated to be between 15 to 20% of children in a North American context, but they are often misunderstood or not recognized as being sensitive. What does it mean when we say a child is “sensitive” and how would you know if your child is among them?

To make sense of sensitivity, it is easier to start with understanding what it is not. It is often confused with a child who has strong emotional reactions or whose feelings seem to get more easily hurt. Sometimes it is confused with a child who seems to be more considerate of other’s needs or who is gentle or kind. While children with sensitivity may display some of these characteristics, these are not typical of all sensitive kids, nor do they help us understand what is at the root of their different way of being in the world.

Sensitive kids are defined as those who have an enhanced receptivity to the world through their senses. It could be through any sense—touch, taste, smell, sight, or hearing—and it is unique to each child. It also exists on a continuum, with some kids being more impacted by touch and smell while others may be affected visually or through another sense.

Talking senses

While no two sensitive kids are alike, their enhanced receptivity to sensory information leaves them without a “skin” against the world. Things can feel too much, too big, too cold, too loud, too hot, too smelly, too painful, and too overwhelming. In other words, they can easily feel bombarded by stimuli and this can stir them up emotionally. They are also likely to be more activated and reactive in environments that stir up their senses. For example, I remember watching a boy run for the door in his Mommy & Me music class every time the noise started to escalate. The cacophony of sounds was neither soothing nor fun but instead crashed into him, flooding him, and overwhelming him. As he instinctively darted for the door to escape, there were some adults who saw him as disobedient or defiant, but in truth, he was simply overwhelmed.

It is important to see sensitivity not as a disorder but as part of the diversity in human temperament. Sensitivity doesn’t seem to be a mistake when you look at it from an evolutionary perspective. You can find sensitivity in other mammal species (even in fruit flies!) lending support for the idea that it is not a mistake but perhaps adaptive in some way. What is clear is that sensitive kids need adults to “get them” and to take care of them. This is true for every child, but much more so for the sensitive ones among us.

How do you know if your child is sensitive?

Sensitive kids reveal themselves soon enough to their adults. The child will seem more easily triggered or comforted through a sense, or combination of them. In some cases overly-stimulating environments may prove to be provocative or upsetting to young ones. Likewise, the sensitive child may also find comfort in certain senses: for example, a child with tactile sensitivity may only sleep when they are held or touched, or one with an auditory sensitivity may prefer hearing your soft voice as they fall asleep.

Sensitive kids often seem to have an unusual alertness even as babies. They may sometimes be described as “old souls” or the ones who watch everything. They can sometimes display exceptional memory and become preoccupied with their thoughts. Their questions are often probing and reveal a unique way of looking at the world. They can have a range of interests or can become squarely focussed on one area in particular. Sensitive kids are often described by adults as being intense, passionate kids with big ideas and plans. When they are happy they can infect a room with their enthusiasm just as when they are upset, they can fill a room with hurricane- force levels of frustration.

As the parent to two sensitive kids I have experienced first-hand what comes with caring for them. One of my children is visually sensitive and sees too much at times which appeared when she was 11⁄2 years old as she yelled at strangers to stop looking at her. It felt unnatural to be seen by someone she didn’t know, and their attention was unwanted and alarming. She was also the same child who would never perform or dance in front of other parents at school because “they were all strangers.” Her visual sensitivity brings gifts like the ability to remember details, see patterns, and create novel and new designs—like her “candy wall” when she was three. At the same time, it can become unbearable when there is too much stimuli, particular scary movies with sounds, images, and suspense.

Research suggests there is often a genetic component to this enhanced receptivity, or that it may be due to birth practices, as well as prenatal experiences.1 Genetics play a strong role in determining the intensity or prominence of each affected sense. As mentioned, it can be any combination of the five conventional senses, or internal senses like the vestibular (balance) system, proprioceptive sense (movement), or the complex sensing apparatus we call “the gut.”

Parents need only pay attention to what stirs a child up and to consider how much is too much for them in order to figure out which combination of senses are enhanced. The key to understanding a sensitive child is to not hold their big reactions against them but to appreciate how they are being impacted by the world around them, and how to deal with them effectively.

Providing a sense of security

Brain development is a phenomenal thing—especially in young children. With ideal conditions, a sensitive child’s brain will develop so that it can increasingly handle and process sensory information. They can develop neural wiring that can manage the sensory overload and find ways to compensate for too much stimuli. In other words, nature has a solution for a child’s sensitivity, but it needs our help for them to internally cultivate these answers. If we can create ideal developmental conditions for a child, then nature can take over and grow the child up and through their sensitivity.

1. Strong, caring adult relationships

Sensitive kids need strong caring relationships with adults who convey to them that they are not too big, too difficult, or too much of anything. Sensitive kids are usually more aware of the vulnerability inherent to relationships; that is, if you give someone your heart, they may hurt you. It is emotionally vulnerable to trust someone, to get close, and to rely on them for care taking. Adults need to take a strong lead and convince a child they can count on them especially when it comes to dealing with a child’s mistakes or their challenging behaviour.

Separation-based discipline such as time-outs, 1-2-3 magic, or consequences can often go too far and create insecurity in relationships. Attachment-based and developmentally-friendly discipline is key to being an emotionally safe caretaker in the hearts of our sensitive kids.

Little things can go a long way in cultivating a connection with a sensitive child. It could be the small things we remember, the patience we take to draw them out and hear their story, and all the ways we communicate that we enjoy being with them. Relationships matter to all kids but sensitive ones don’t “suffer fools gladly” and they often wait to see if someone can be trusted before giving them their heart. We need to work to earn their trust and be patient until we are there. Whoever cares for a sensitive child will need to work on a relationship with them to get them to follow and take their cues. This is true in a childcare environment as well as in school with their teachers.

2. Know when to protect from and when to encourage exposure

If a child does not have a thick skin to protect them from sensory overload, then it will fall to their adults to compensate for this. We can start by changing the child’s environment. For example, some kids prefer white noise to cancel out environmental stimuli or may benefit from headphones. Caregivers need to be patient and accept that their child may not want to engage in activities that are overwhelming such as playing with a lot of kids or music classes.

While it is important to reduce arousal and stimulation where appropriate, it is also important to think about if and when you can gently expose sensitive kids to the things that are overwhelming for them. For example, one mother had a child with a number of sensitivities and loud sounds were particularly difficult. She begged her mother not to walk by a construction site near their house because of the loud sounds of the big trucks and “diggers.” The mother took note that this was a challenge for her daughter and took a different route as they walked to school each morning. On one morning she said to her daughter, “We are just going to quickly walk by the construction site and I want you to put your hands on your ears so that it won’t be too loud for you.” As they ran by, her daughter spied the diggers and the hole in the ground and became fascinated. As the week went on, the mother continued to walk by the construction site with her daughter, watching, and eventually stopping. One day her daughter took her hands off her ears and listened, and eventually, she was able to walk by the site without feeling overwhelmed. What sensitive kids need is an adult who understands them and who knows when to shield them and when, and how, to gently and patiently encourage exposure to the things that are hard.

3. Make room for their emotions and tears

Sensitive kids can be stirred up by the world around them and this can create big emotions inside of them that need to be released. The best thing we can do for them is to help them express feelings through words, play, or through their tears. Sometimes we need to encourage play that will draw out their frustration, fears, or desires. It is often easier to face things in play when it isn’t for real or can’t really hurt you. If we are to move a sensitive child to their words or tears, they will need to trust us and to see that our relationship is unwavering even when they are having a hard time.

When we have to deal with issues regarding their behaviour we may make better headway outside of the incident. They may be more receptive and able to hear us when we talk to them when they are less stirred up and feeling close to us. Sometimes they may not want to talk about issues or tell us they can’t remember. We can simply tell them we will make it fast, and easy, and it won’t hurt but we just need to say a few things. We may need to lead them into vulnerable territory but if we fail to do so then they will have a harder time having a relationship with the emotions inside of them.

If there were a secret to caring for sensitive kids it would be to realize that they often act in congruence with the sensory world that exists inside of them. They are not trying to give us a hard time—they are simply having a hard time. While there are challenges posed by their sensitivity, there are also gifts, which caregivers learn to recognize as coming from the same place. If we can hold these things in mind when dealing with them and invite them to rest in our care, then we will be able to become the strong caretakers they need.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a family counselling centre, she is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), which has been translated into 9 languages.

*NOTE: This article first appeared in EcoParent Magazine, Spring 2019.

The Gifts of Sensitivity

Sensitive kids are known for being more intense and stirred up by their environment. Sensory overload is common with some sounds being too loud, smells too powerful, and even touch or tags in clothes being too much to handle. They can be difficult to make sense of given their heightened reactions and emotions, especially their increased resistance and anxieties. While sensitive kids can feel larger than life to take care of, what usually gets eclipsed when development is going well, are the wonderful gifts that come with being more stirred up by the world around you.

The number of sensitive kids in the North American population is estimated to be anywhere from 15 to 20%. Their heightened response to external stimuli as well as from signals within their body, is due to heightened reactivity in their nervous system. The parents of sensitive kids tell me, “they just seemed to come out of the womb and into the world this way, more stirred up, reactive, and harder to settle.” When I look at baby pictures I can see the sensitivity in some kids by the way they clench their hands, face scrunching, and body rigid with tension as if to indicate being in the world was too much to take.

Sensitive nervous and sensory systems are not just in humans either, biologists have discovered the same in other mammal species and even fruit flies. While we don’t really understand why some kids are more sensitive, current research is suggesting genetics, prenatal or birth experiences. What is still true is sensitive kids need the same conditions as other kids to grow, that is, strong caring relationships with adults and soft hearts.

Sensitivity exists on a continuum with no two children being the same in terms of their enhanced receptivity to stimuli including differences in reactions to sights, smells, tastes, touch, hearing, kinesthetic/proprioceptor (knowing where your body is in time and space), and emotional/perceptual abilities. As the mother of two sensitive kids, the differences between each one is clear – one has a nose like a blood hound and can sniff out the smell of ‘sneaky’ chocolate on my breath and is very ‘ticklish’ and feels pain intensely. My other child can quickly ‘read’ a room and pick up on emotions and the true intentions of those within it.

While the differences among sensitive kids are great, the gifts that come with heightened sensory systems can start to emerge when development is unfolding well. While they are more prone to emotional challenges, with a supportive environment containing warm relationships, play time, room for tears, they can flourish. While all children have gifts and talents, kids with sensitivity have gifts that are more likely to cluster together in the following ways because of the increased reactivity in their nervous and emotional systems.

Perceptive – Sensitive kids often pick up on small details and notice things that are different or have changed, and can put together patterns and abstract details into a whole. When it rained one hot summers day after a dry spell, my daughter stood smelling the rain and told me, “I forgot what the rain smelled like Mom, it is so wonderful.” When she was younger she also told me that “dust sparkles in the sunshine like fairy dust.” To see the world through the eyes of a sensitive child is to be reintroduced to the wonder and splendor of the simple things that surround us. They often make us slow down enough to notice what we have missed in our hurry to get on with adult responsibilities.
Care deeply about others – The emotional system is part of the nervous system which impacts sensitivity by giving them a heightened caring response. If development is ideal, they can become very compassionate, empathic, and considerate as they mature. The depth of their emotions can be profound as they vocalize what they are feeling. They can be easily moved emotionally by music, stories, nature, art, and the kindness of others. Sensitive kids are known for crying with sentimental songs or through stories – like my daughter did when I sang “Danny Boy” or read Puff the Magic Dragon to her. The warmth they exude when their hearts are soft is breathtaking and they can naturally move to take care of their siblings with fierce protectiveness.
Passionate and intense – The enhanced receptivity in their emotional systems can lead to passionate and intense feelings/responses in their relationship to things, people, and interests. They love their pets – their friends – their clothes – that bedtime story. They can become vibrant and energized talking about their ideas, with big dreams and goals ensuing. They are often interesting people to talk to with their energy vibrating and lighting up a room. Some sensitive kids carry this energy more internally, but it often reveals itself as they play, move, write, or tell stories.
Memory – With increased receptivity to their environment and attention to patterns or details, sensitive kids can absorb and retain information at astonishing rates. They can recite stories by heart and memorize entire picture books. They frequently talk early as they imitate others, and can locate things you have ‘misplaced’ with uncanny accuracy. ‘Natural brightness’ is often a result of sensitivity as well as particular areas of special capabilities, for example, visual processing, reading comprehension, or agility.
Creativity – When sensitive kids play freely, unconstrained by agendas or structure, their imaginative worlds can be vibrant and expansive. They often exhibit a unique capacity to create something novel out of ordinary things, in other words, they incorporate their environment into their play. For example, one sensitive child created a ‘candy wall’ in her room out of blue sticky tack and Halloween candy as part of her decorations. Sensitive kids who flourish this way can be counted among some of our most gifted artists, writers, actors, musicians, designers, engineers, and talented creatives.
Discerning – they don’t suffer fools gladly – Sensitive kids can be particular in deciding who they will trust and form relationships with. They expect a lot from their attachments and people must often prove they are psychological safe and non-wounding before a sensitive child will warm up to the relationship. A parent of sensitive child told me that as his child entered a new school, “it is like he is taking resumes from other kids before choosing who he is going to be friends with.” Sensitive kids are less likely to succumb to false pretenses and fake performances. They can often read people’s true intentions despite people’s attempts to disguise or to try and fool them.
Resistant – It might not appear to be a gift on the surface but a sensitive child’s capacity to resist coercion and control by others has a silver lining. While they can be quick to dig in if they feel pushed and will often push back, this does help preserve a space for their own ideas to emerge. Being prone to feeling easily coerced and quick to resist allows them to stand apart from others, resist peer pressure where appropriate, and become their own unique person.
Problem solving and innovation – When a sensitive child is able to digest a lot of sensory information and hold onto all of the pieces at once, they can start to arrange them in interesting and complex ways. The capacity to find new and unique solutions comes from being able to manipulate ideas, integrate unlike objects, and form connections. Because the sensitive child has more ‘data’ to work with, they can be seen as innovative problem solvers – possibilities are not something sensitive kids are short on when development is unfolding well.
Gifts related to their sensitivity – Every sensitive child exists on a continuum of heightened responses but with this can come a refinement of special skills and gifts. For children with enhanced emotional/perceptual awareness, they may pick up on, describe, and translate the world around them into feelings and emotions as seen in poetry or storytelling. For the child with auditory sensitivity, they may be able to pick up a tune and play it on a musical instrument or sing a song in perfect pitch. For the sensitive child with kinesthetic/proprioception gifts, their ability to tune into to their bodily movements can make them talented at different sports. There are a number of ways a child’s sensitivities can be revealed, with gifts following from each particular sense.
They stretch parents to grow – At times parents of sensitive kids may feel their child is too much for them to care for given their heightened reactions, capacity to resist, and big alarming feelings. It is the love for a child and the feelings of responsibility that will push a parent to grow and stretch in their capacity to find patience, consideration, compassion, and self-control. Sensitive kids need strong, caring, and firm parents to lean on, and ones who won’t be afraid to face their big emotions and walk them through it. When a parent learns to dance with their sensitive child in this way, and when they can make sense of their emotions and behaviour, they will find the confidence they need to be the answer to their child’s needs. The gift of a sensitive child is the opportunity for growth that they represent to those who care for them. In caring for a sensitive child, you must learn to dance with human vulnerability, become a safe landing pad for big emotion, and lead them through the disappointments in life. When you can do this, there will be much fulfillment in the parenting role, and a realization of the growth inside of oneself. While sensitive kids may not be the easiest to parent, they can make amazing parents out of us.

What do sensitive kids need from parents?

Sensitive kids need the same things as every child – caretakers for their hearts when they feel too much and get hurt too much. They need adults that can lead them and who will assume responsibility for reading their needs and providing for them generously.

Sensitivity can be a beautiful thing if we give our kids enough time to grow and to make sense of the world in their unique ways. Nature wasn’t unkind this way nor foolish, difference and diversity has always been her way and there are gifts in all of the temperaments our children have – sensitive and less sensitive alike.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of the best-selling book, Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and is the Director of the Kid’s Best, Bet Counselling and Family Resource Centre.

What Sensitive Kids Would like You to Know About Them

“She is so dramatic and everything seems like a big deal,” said a baffled father of a 6-year old girl named Samantha. The mother tells me ‘Sam’ hates the tags on her clothes and loud noises, and hangs back to watch her peers before engaging with them. Sam complains when things are too windy, sunny, cold or hot, or noisy, like when the toilets flush. Her parents are struggling with what to do with Sam as she seems more difficult and intense in comparison to other kids.

Kids like Sam may appear to be unique, but they make up 15 to 20% of the population of kids according to Thomas Boyce, a researcher at the University of Southern California.(1) She is part of a group of kids deemed to be ‘sensitive’ in nature. These kids have an enhanced receptivity to environmental stimuli and as a result, are more affected by it. Activation of the senses can be more provocative with touch, taste, smell, or hearing for example, being heightened in reaction. There is also research suggesting they need more anesthetic because of their increased pain sensation. (2)

The reasons for the sensitivity are unclear, with biological, genetic, prenatal stress, birth trauma or c-section theories put forth as contributing factors.(3) Despite the origin or reason for a child’s sensitivity, parents and teachers long to make sense of them and be better equipped to handle their intensity. If sensitive kids could give us perspective on what their world is like, I believe they would want us to understand the following five things to start.

Their head can be very busy processing their world – The role of the thinking brain is to make sense of what is happening in the body which has been stirred up by one’s environment. Given that sensitive kids have an enhanced receptivity, they are likely ‘ingesting’ a lot of sensory stimuli that needs to be ‘digested.’ What this means is they will need time to process what is happening in their immediate environment. Some of them will naturally do this by standing and watching what is occurring, taking note of details, and trying to make sense of how it all fits together. This is why they are often the ‘observer’ despite adults wanting to push them to participate. Adults need to consider how sensitive kids learn vicariously through watching others and how busy their mental processing can be despite their lack of physical engagement.
They are more prone to feeling stronger emotions when stirred up by their world – Sensitive kids can feel emotions in a heightened way giving rise to feelings of overwhelm and alarm. They are more likely to experience anxiety given their awareness and enhanced sensory intake. Sensitive kids often have intense reactions to both joy and despair. When they are frustrated it can lead to tantrums that explode and are intense. Their softer tears can be harder to come by but with patience, caring, and a firm hand, they can be lead to become resilient to the things that seem too much for them. The challenge with sensitive kids, especially when younger, is that they can be more readily overwhelmed by stimuli which leads to emotional outbursts. The goal is to lead them into vulnerable territory by providing room for expression, helping them use their words to describe their inner world, and supporting their tears in flowing. When we provide healthy environments, with strong adult relationships to support them through their emotional experiences, it will help wire their brain to handle the intensity of their emotional world.
Relationships with others can take additional time to create – Sensitive kids don’t suffer fools gladly and adults must work to build a relationship with them. They often don’t warm up to people who don’t take the time to collect and engage with them. They can have a harder time following the directions and rules of people they are not attached to because of strong shyness instincts. Forming relationships involves vulnerability and dependency on others and this is what is at stake for the sensitive child. They can sometimes be perceived as more prickly in their responses but this can be part of their natural coping mechanisms when they are feeling overwhelmed.
They are prone to feeling coerced and are more likely to resist other people’s agenda’s – Many sensitive kids are perceptive when it comes to other people’s plans and agendas in relation to them. When they feel coerced and controlled, they can become full of counterwill – the instinct behind resistance and opposition. They can dig in with refusal and lash out in frustration when attempts are made to move them in a particular direction. The goal is to engage their attention and collect them before making commands and demands so that they will be more inclined to follow along.
Structure and routine provide safety and security – For a sensitive child the predictable rhythms of daily life provide boundaries and help them orient to what will happen next. Routines take the unexpected surprises and unknowns out of their day, helping them feel more at ease and less likely to be concerned with what will happen next or who they will be with. It is helpful for an adult to take the lead in orienting and informing a sensitive child to the daily routines, and which results in feeling more at rest and cared for.

Sensitive kids make up a significant proportion of children and need some thoughtful care and handling. While their intensity can take adults by surprise, they need to feel and hear the resounding message that their adults know how to take care of them. When adults take the lead, they can rest and play, allowing nature to grow their brains to adapt to a world that is often feels too much for their senses.

References

(1) Boyce, T. (2014). Orchid children and the science of kindness. Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education, Vancouver, BC. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mSrc0GFpJw

Ellis, B.J., Boyce, W. T. (2005). Biologial sensitivity to context: Empirical explorations of an evolutionaly-developmental theory. Development and Psychopathology. V. 17,(2), pp. 303-328.

(2) Melnik, M. (2010). Why surgeons dread red heads, (Time online, December 10, 2010.) http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/10/why-surgeons-dread-red-heads/

(3) iv] Neufeld, G. (2013). Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids. Neufeld Institute Vancouver, BC, Canada. www.neufeldinstitute.com.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The One Thing Every Kid Needs in their School Backpack

A friend told me her son couldn’t understand why a young child he knew had such a hard time being away from his mother while at school. The kindergartener would cling to her mother’s hand and in tears, voice protestations to being left behind. My friend explained to her son that the 5-year old felt scared to be separated and left with people she didn’t know well. Her son, still confused, looked up at her and said, “but why doesn’t she just talk to her Mom in her head?” Astonished, my friend looked at her son and said, “is that what you do?” He replied, “Yeah, I talk to you in my head all day, it helps me not feel so lonely and I don’t miss you as much.”

What every kid needs to take to school is an adult they hold onto psychologically. It is the sense they carry with them that there is someone to return home to, share their secrets with, and feel a sense of significance, belonging, and caring towards. It underlies their capacity to be resilient, resourceful, and survive adversity. It allows them to face the challenges that school will present, from learning new subjects to persevering on tasks that are difficult. It will be critical to helping them deal with tricky peer groups, friends that turn into enemies, and bullies that are on every playground.

The beautiful design inherent to attachment is that we don’t have to be physically close to someone to feel connected; rather, we need to make sure we are firmly planted in their heart. A strong relationship with at least one caring adult is the answer to resiliency in our kids – not skills they have to learn, having to act tough, or to ‘suck it up.’ We don’t need to work at preventing our kid’s from facing adversity but make sure they don’t face it alone. Relationship is the natural home for the human heart.

The Shielding Effect of Adult Relationships

When a child has a strong relationship with an adult, their heart is shielded. The emotional system is protected from the wounding words and ways of others because a child cares more what their closest adult attachment thinks about them. What kids say doesn’t hurt as much, it doesn’t feel as toxic, personal, nor as deep. The best inoculation against ‘mean’ kids is an adult who is holding onto a child. It is an adult who should offer a child an invitation for relationship that is gracious, generous, forgiving and unwavering.

While adult relationships shield kid’s emotional systems from the worst parts of their day, there will still be tears that may need to be shed. There will be emotions that are stirred up and need to be expressed as well as problems to be solved. It is through relationship they are invited to rest from all that does not work so that they can embrace what might.

As a parent it feels like my homework each night involves gathering my kids and trying to take their pulse emotionally. I aim to help them make sense of their disappointments, hurts, as well as excitement and joy. Sometimes the stories and day’s events spill out of them spontaneously, or sometimes they need space, quiet, food, or to play before I can engage them. At dinner my kids sometimes compete for airtime or can be mute, alerting me to the fact that a bedtime chat is likely the best place to connect. I care little how or when my children and I engage on the day’s event and only that we do. I keep my eyes on our relationship and an ear to their emotional world, vigilant to when I am needed most. I take faith that what my kids need most in facing the world outside are the relationships that anchor them to home.

How to Cultivate Strong Relationships with Kids

The recipe to cultivating a strong relationship with a child cannot be reduced to a set of instructions, directions, or mantras to hold onto. Relationships at their root, are an invitation that is offered to someone. It is an invitation to depend, to trust in, be guided by, and feel at home with someone. We cannot dictate how relationships are forged and protected but we can be certain that it is the answer to the problem of facing separation and adversity.

Tragically, there are too many kids who are not tethered to an adult home and will look for substitutes to hold onto. They often lean on their friends for connection which usually leads to issues in terms of their emotional vulnerability. An immature child is a poor substitute for the caring relationship an adult can offer.

The good news is it is also possible for a teacher or another adult to anchor a child’s heart as well. The sense that someone cares for them and offers them an invitation for relationship goes a long way when they face rejection, separation, or are shamed by their peers. From the educational assistants who encourage kids to keep trying to the counsellors that are a soft place to land when days are hard – these adults can make a difference to kids when home is challenged to offer what they need most.

The following strategies are key to building strong relationship with kids and protecting them from competing attachments such as peers or technological devices.

Collect their attention and engage their attachment instincts

We all seek connection – it is the primary driver in our attention system. The goal is to get their first with kids, meaning we need to collect their eyes, smile or a nod in agreement. We need to engage them each morning by checking in, talking about the plans for the day, to sharing a funny story – anything that puts you into relationship with them. Feeding them is a wonderful opportunity to collect their eyes and to invite them to depend on you.

Cultivate loyalty and a sense of belonging

When a child perceives an adult as being disloyal to them by not taking their side, understanding their perspective, or using what they care about against them through consequences or the use of time outs – the relationship can take a hit. When there is a sense that an adult is not for them, a separation is created in the relationship. The challenge is there are times we cannot abide by a child’s actions or their words, when their behaviour is clearly inappropriate and we will need to act. Finding our way through these situations while maintaining a sense of belonging and loyalty can be achieved by coming alongside the feelings and thoughts that have stirred a child up. While we make note of what isn’t okay, we can cue the child that we do understand and are there to help with what isn’t working for them. It doesn’t mean we have to change what isn’t working, but we can give them some room to express it.

Family rituals, structure, and routine

As kids face the separations that are part of life, they need to regularly return to things that ground them. Rituals and structure are these anchors, providing a regular hum and predictability to contact with their key relationships. From the morning routine that starts with a hello and ends with a goodbye to the dinner time that starts with a hello and ends with a goodnight – these are the rhythm’s that connect kids to time, place, and people. If separation is the problem, then holding onto to the connection that comes from rituals, structures, and routines is the answer.

The reality is we can’t perfect a child’s world or ensure they never face adversity. Venturing away from home is an important part of life. School often represents the first bold steps in this direction but we need not be alarmed by what awaits them. We just need to work at making sure they have our relationship to hold onto that will shield their heart from wounding. Relationship is the home of the heart and when we understand this, we won’t ever fear that our kids will ever be too far away from us.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Why Attachment Can Be Challenging With Sensitive Kids

In the Hans Christian Anderson’s fable, The Princess and the Pea, the sleeping princess is so sensitive that “she felt the pea through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down beds.” Her sensitivity seems unbelievable, the substance of fairytales, unless, that is, you are a parent to a sensitive child yourself.

Parents of sensitive kids will readily attest to their child’s heightened sensory receptivity to the world, with varying degrees of stimulation to touch, taste, smell, seeing, and hearing. From being tormented by tags in their clothes to the sound of toilets flushing, from walking on tippy toes, to a sense of smell that would rival any restaurant critic – these kids experience the world in a heightened way. Current estimates place them at 1 in 5 kids or 15 to 20% and they can also have at least one parent who is sensitive as well (1).

Sensitivity can bring many gifts including natural brightness but give rise to particular challenges as well. Sensitive kids can be easily stirred up by their environment with sensory stimulation quickly becoming too much for them. For example, one mother was trying to understand why her four year old would run to the door to try and escape music class when other kids loved to participate.

Sensitivity also poses challenges when it comes to attachment and forming deep connections with others. Sensitive kids don’t seem ‘to suffer fools gladly’ and often see through facades, unwilling to trust just anyone. While this makes them more wary of people and keen observers, it does ensure that they will only follow those who they feel they can lean on and have confidence in. The good news is when a sensitive child has given their heart to an adult for safe keeping, this adult can be assured they are the child’s answer to contact, closeness, and that they will be able to lead them.

What Makes Attachment Challenging?

We often take for granted the vulnerability involved in forming deep connections with others. Attachment is the doorway through which separation opens up. Being separated from the people and things we are attached to should be provocative for everyone, especially for the sensitive child. Whatever we care for we also run the risk of losing. Whomever we attach to has the power to hurt us or may withdraw their invitation for connection. To be in relationship with another person sets us up to get hurt given the vulnerability of dependence.

1. Sensitive kids are more prone to resisting contact and closeness

Due to the vulnerability involved in attaching to things and people, some sensitive kids will resist it. One child told his mother after his hamster died that he couldn’t love his new hamster because he knew it would die too. Some sensitive kids are acutely aware that if they attach they could get hurt. They are also allergic to being coerced and may strongly shy away from those who try to push too hard to connect, feeling overwhelmed. They are often slower to warm up and if an adult lacks the patience or insight to see that the sensitive child needs time, they will have a harder time cultivating a strong connection to them.

2. Sensory overwhelm creates too much stimulation

Some sensitive kids can be overwhelmed by their senses; which poses two problems. The first is their caretakers face competing stimuli for the child’s attention, making it difficult for them to appear front and center. Second, the overwhelming sensory stimulation can provoke defenses in the child’s brain to numb and tune out emotional information depending on each situation (2). This makes it difficult for caretakers to garner the child’s attention and get through the defenses. What every child needs from adults is to feel a strong invitation for connection but if their world is too noisy, it makes it hard for their caretakers to find a way through. Reducing stimulation and competing signals will help a sensitive child and an adult cultivate strong connections.

3. More prone to trying to take the lead in the relationship – Attachment between a parent and child needs to be hierarchical if an adult is able to truly invite a child to rest in their care. This allows the child to take for granted that their parent can be counted on, can read their needs, and take the lead in orienting and directing them as needed. To be dependent on someone for caretaking is the most vulnerable position, the emotionally safer position is one of caretaking. As a result, sensitive kids are more prone to wanting to attach to their adults but in the lead position. They may become commanding or demanding with their caretakers, directing their parents on how to care for them. When a sensitive child tells others how to care for them, they are not at rest and are working to be cared for. This can create a host of problems including anxiety and frustration. For more information on alpha problems read Reclaiming the Lead with an Alpha Child.

Three Strategies for Building Strong Attachments with Sensitive Kids

Collect their attachment instincts – If adults desire a strong relationship with a sensitive child they will need to be patient, not overwhelm the child, and to go slow until they can see the child is receptive. To collect a sensitive child’s attachment instincts you need to engage their eyes or ears, perhaps get a smile from them, and even try to find agreement on something, for example, you like to play with lego too. Repeatedly trying to collect them is the way through to deepening one’s relationship. The collecting dance is meant to activate the attachment instincts in the child and invite them into relationship.
Matchmaking – If there is an adult the sensitive child is attached to then it will be important to get an introduction from this person first and let the child see you as a ‘friendly face.’ A sensitive child will follow the cues of the people they are attached to so it is imperative for the child to see these people as sanctioning any new relationship. For example, if a doctor wants a sensitive child to do something, it may be best bet to go through their adult than to make a direct request of the child. In a school environment it is important to matchmake the child to their teacher, pointing out similarities and how a parent trusts the teacher to care for the child.
Take the lead and invite dependence – A sensitive child will rest in the care of people who convey they understand the child’s need and provide for them in a generous way. It is the consistent representation of the adult as being available, of being counted upon, and knowing what to do to help the child that helps foster a strong relationship. When an adult can walk a sensitive child through their big emotions, as well as shield and protect them when overwhelmed, it will help cement the relationship.

Attachment is the greatest human need but it can be more vulnerable territory for sensitive kids as it opens the doors to separation. We will need to be patient and to be generous with our invitation in our caretaking. Strong relationships are critical for sensitive kids as it is here they will find refuge from a world that often feels too much and overwhelming.

References

Boyce, T. (2014). Orchid children and the science of kindness. Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education, Vancouver, BC. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mSrc0GFpJw

Ellis, B.J., Boyce, W. T. (2005). Biologial sensitivity to context: Empirical explorations of an evolutionaly-developmental theory. Development and Psychopathology. V. 17,(2), pp. 303-328.

Neufeld, G. (2013). Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids. Neufeld Institute Vancouver, BC, Canada. www.neufeldinstitute.com.

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents and professionals based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The Trouble with Time-outs

The Trouble with Time-Outs

Time outs have become a popular disciplinary practice, aimed at replacing spanking and broadly supported by health and parenting professionals. Like a magic wand, they seek to immediately change a child’s behaviour but rarely is the question asked, “Why do they work and at what cost to the child? From the naughty chair to sending a child to their room, time-outs typically involve excluding or isolating a child from others and/or activities. Time-outs are hailed as a ‘success’ when a child returns from one willing to listen and behave but what is the long-term impact on a child’s development and their relationship to adults? Based on the last seventy years of research in developmental science, it is clear the reason time-outs ‘work’ is the same reason we shouldn’t use them in the first place.

The problem with disciplinary advice given to parents today is it is often disconnected from developmental science and fragmented, not taking into account how a child grows and matures. The benchmark for measuring disciplinary success is whether problematic behaviour has stopped with the belief that a child has learned a lesson. Changing a child’s behaviour in the moment does not equal maturity – one is a short-term solution – the other is a long-term proposition. We have become preoccupied with what to do in the moment and have lost sight of the bigger question. We need to consider how our approach to discipline helps to foster or erode the relational conditions our children require to grow as socially and emotionally responsible beings. Discipline doesn’t make our kids more mature, it is what we do to compensate for the fact that they are not. Discipline is how we provide order to the chaos that immaturity brings. The question is not whether we remove our children from others and activities that are clearly not working, (e.g., having a tantrum in a restaurant), but how we can do this while preserving our relationship with a child as well as their emotions.

Why do Time-out’s ‘Work’ to Extinguish Behaviour?

Time-outs work because they trade on a child’s greatest need – connection. The emotional system in a child is geared towards preserving proximity with their closest attachments and trumps physical hunger. Attachment is defined as the intense pursuit for contact and closeness with an adult, feeling significant, that they are cared for, known and understood. As Urie Brofenbenner the founder of the Head Start Program, said, “Every child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about him or her.”¹ The womb of personhood is a relational one and it is our connection to our children that unlocks their potential to mature.

Parent and child relationships are critical when it comes to being able to care for them as it fosters dependence on us, should create a sense of safety and protection, enable us to impart our values, and point our children towards civilized relating when required. As a result, a child’s emotional system is designed and governed by impulses and instincts to preserve connection with their caretakers. It is the hunger for connection that time-out’s prey and rely on, exploiting a child’s greatest need.

What a time-out can represent to a child is that the invitation for relationship is withdrawn unless conduct and behaviour changes. This is the essence and definition of a conditional invitation for connection. If a child deems the relationship with the adult as being worth preserving, their alarm system will press down on other emotions in order to tuck them back into relationship with this adult. In other words, if the emotions you are experiencing and expressing lead to a disconnection with your adults, the brain will strategically move to depress these and move a child into restoring contact and closeness with a parent. The reason a child returns from a time-out willing to behave, to listen, to be ‘good as gold’ is because their emotional system has been hijacked by alarm and they are driven to preserve connection by being ‘good.’

Time-outs are the ultimate sacrifice play when it comes to a child’s emotional world. Developmental science is unequivocal in its findings that both relationship and emotion are the two most important factors in healthy development. Time-outs in the way they are used to separate a child from others and activities can injure both the relationship and emotions in a child. The child’s hunger for attachment as well as emotional expression collide upon each other but the need for relationship takes the lead. It is not uncommon to see alarm problems or frustration pop up in other places in a child who is stirred up this way. It can be released on a sibling, a pet, another child or objects, whenever an opportunity presents itself. It can also provoke defensive instincts to back out of attachment and to numb vulnerable feelings.

Time out’s work because we use a child’s greatest need against them, the disconnection pushes their noses into their hunger for connection and boomerangs them back into behaving. There are many forms of time-out’s given to kids today from giving someone the cold shoulder, withdrawal of love, tough love, counting to three, and ignoring. Each of these convey a conditional invitation to be in our presence according to behaviour and conduct.

Why Time-Out’s Don’t Work for Every Child

Time-outs don’t extinguish problematic behaviour in all children. They are often too provocative for sensitive kids and can evoke a strong alarm response. This may lead to the child defensively detaching from their adults altogether, for example, running away or hiding.

Time-outs also won’t ‘work’ well with kids who don’t have a strong enough attachment with an adult who is using them. If there is little desire to be connected or good for that adult then the separation caused through a time out will not activate a child’s pursuit for connection. There are many reasons for a lack of relationship but it be a sign that a child has defensively detached from an adult if there had been a prior connection.

How to Move Away From Using Time-outs

The question I am often asked is “what do I do instead of time outs,” and “what do I do if I have been using them?” There are many online resources I have added at the end of this article meant to help with this question. One of the easiest ways to discipline is to supervise kids and provide direction. If a child doesn’t listen or want to be good for an adult, it may be less of a discipline issue and more of a relational one. Cultivating a stronger relationship with a child and collecting them before directing them should help in many scenarios.

If time-outs have been used then a parent or adult can start going with a child to quiet space or a different place or choosing to remain exactly where they are in the face of incidents. Trying to focus on the relationship and what is stirring a child up is key, with potentially moving the discussion about an incident to when strong emotions have subsided.

The following 5 Guidelines for Handling Incidents created by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and used with his permission, are from the Neufeld Institute’s Making Sense of Discipline Online Course. They are particularly helpful in situations where emotions are involved, rather than at times when simply instructions will suffice in redirecting a child. The aim is to not try and make headway in the moment but in aiming to do no harm to the relationship until things can be addressed later.

In addressing the violation we are cueing the child to what is appropriate and not appropriate when it comes to behaviour. For example, we might say, hands aren’t for hitting, toys aren’t for throwing, and it isn’t okay to talk to an adult that way. As Neufeld states, we can drop the “infraction flag” and point out what isn’t working without identifying the child with their behaviour. We can bridge the problem behaviour by conveying we still desire contact and closeness with them despite their actions. This doesn’t ‘reward’ a child for problem behaviour, it merely ensures that you can use your connection with a child later on to influence them in acting a different way or in helping them understand their emotions, name them, and respond in a more civilized manner.

When a child is out of control we often try to control the child instead of the circumstances. If a child is too frustrated in playing with others we can change the circumstances and provide some reprieve. If they have jumps in them or are overly active, instead of getting them to sit down and relax, we can help them move by playing outside. When a child is most stirred up emotionally, our attempts to control them and their emotions often backfire. We may need to compensate and bide our time, changing the circumstances around a child until we, and they, are in a better place to make headway.

We can also let the child know we will debrief or talk about an incident later. In the heat of the moment we are often not able to proceed in a way that can protect and hold onto our relationship with our kids. They are often too stirred up to hear what we have to say. Simply letting the child know when something hasn’t worked out and that you will follow-up with them later, helps them understand that something needs to change and you are there to help them with this.

If a situation is emotionally charged and adverse, exiting from the incident sooner than later can be beneficial. Emotions tend to fuel further emotions such as frustration and alarm and when we are stirred up it is best to pause from proceeding. While we take a break from the incident, it is important to convey that the relationship is not broken. While we may need to be firm on behaviour, we can be easy on the relationship.

What the practice of time-outs cost us long term are the strong relationships with our kids that we will need to steer them towards maturity. We need to become more conscious of the risks to their development as well with how time-outs can evoke defenses against emotions and vulnerability. As Gordon Neufeld states, our kids need to rest in our relationship and not work to keep it. We must be the ones to hold onto them and what is clear is that time-outs make our kids work for love. There is a better way.

For more information on discipline that is attachment based and developmentally friendly for young kids, see Chapter Ten in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one) and/or take the Neufeld Institute course, Making Sense of Discipline with Dr. Gordon Neufeld.

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

References

Larry K. Brendtro, “The vision of Urie Bronfenbrenner: Adults who are crazy about kids,” Reclaiming Children and Youth: The Journal of Strength-Based Interventions 15 (2006): 162–66.

Resources

Discipline for the Immature, Chapter Ten in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one)
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
https://www.amazon.com/Rest-Play-Grow-Making-Preschoolers/dp/0995051208/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467908921&sr=8-1&keywords=rest+play+grow

Making Sense of Discipline, Online Course, Neufeld Institute
By Dr. Gordon Neufeld
See a preview of the course here — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK7qui2BsfY
Course Description

Making Sense of Discipline

Are Time-outs an effective form of punishment? Video from Kids in the House
Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Founder of Neufeld Institute https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So7sJW23xM8

Positive Parenting Alternative to Time-outs and Grounding,
By Nicole Schwarz at Imperfect Families
http://imperfectfamilies.com/2016/07/04/9-positive-parenting-alternatives-timeout-grounding/

Pulling Weeds: Shifting from Discipline to Nurturing the Whole Child,
By Rebecca Eanes (author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide)
http://www.positive-parents.org/2016/05/pulling-weeds-shifting-from-discipline.html

The Problem with Consequences for Young Children
Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/the-problem-with-consequences-for-young-children/

Soliciting Good Intentions: A Discipline Strategy That Preserves Relationships
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/soliciting-kids-good-intentions-a-discipline-strategy-that-preserves-relationships/

Why Kids Resist and What we Can Do About It
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/why-kids-resist-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency

There seems to be a lack of cultural wisdom as to the significance of tears in bringing a child to rest from the things they want but cannot have. While internet searches on tantrums top parenting concerns, the tears that are meant to quell futile pursuits or frustration seem invisible in importance. Yet it is tears that offer relief from the disappointments that are part of life, the upsets that will come, and the hurt that is felt. It is sad tears that signals a child has surrendered to the limits we impose on them such as no more cookies or ice cream, or our inability to fix or find something they want. Life is full of disappointment such as not being first, not winning, not getting what we want, and not being able to hold onto the people you want to stay close to. Tears are the ultimate answer and resolution to the frustration that comes in the face of life’s futilities. As Althea Solter states, “When children cry the hurt has already happened. Crying is not the hurt but the process of being unhurt.”

All tears are not created equal – there is a difference between mad tears and sad ones. It is sad tears that underlie adaptation and resiliency. Sad tears are the ones cried in response to realizing something cannot be changed. It is where frustration melts into surrender, where whining or attacking energy subsides and there is rest from futile pursuits. It is here resiliency is born in realizing you can survive not getting what you want. Mad tears on the other hand, are fuelled by foul frustration and common in young kids with each one having their own signature move(s) including: kicks, hits, screams, pinches, bites, with sensitive ones prone to attacking oneself. When we focus on a child’s attacks we miss the frustration that is driving it, and with that, an opportunity to melt their frustration into tears of sadness.

By the time a child is 4, physical forms of attack may start to be replaced with words instead – a good sign indeed! It means they have developed the capacity to use words to express their emotions instead of physical means. It’s important to remember they won’t have self-control when they are emotionally charged until the ages of 5 to 7 with ideal development – and more like 7 to 9 for more sensitive kids. When a child is full of foul frustration, it is only their sad tears that will bring rest and emotional balance to their system again.

The Science of Tears

William Frey, a well-known researcher who has studied the chemical composition of tears states sad tears are not benign like the ones we cry when cutting onions. Our sad tears are full of toxic proteins that are being shed by the body for the purpose of bringing the emotional system back into balance (1). Ad Vingerhoet’s book, Why Only Humans Weep, pulls together the science of crying and the complex interactions in the body (2). The nervous system is responsible for allowing tears to flow and the experience of rest with special neurotransmitters governing this interaction. When the futility of something registers in the amygdala in the limbic system, it shifts gears in the nervous system and the parasympathetic system is activated. Tears may fall or disappointment and sadness will be experienced. These states are also accompanied by a release of oxytocin, the attachment chemical that dampens the biological stress chemical of cortisol. When children cry and receive comfort from attachment figures, it is their engagement that increases oxytocin levels and decrease stress related ones. Tears are not a problem but a child’s signal to us that they are having one so they get the support they need.

If a child has lost their capacity to express sadness or does not show upset, disappointment, or talk of being lonely or scared, we should be concerned. The expression of tears or sadness is key to taking stock of a child’s vulnerable emotions and whether they experience them. If you don’t feel sad, then caring may also be inhibited too. This isn’t a mistake in the child but a response to an environment that is too wounding, thus emotional defenses have been erected by the brain (4). A child who has stuck tears will be frustrated – a lot – with attacking behaviour often present. In such cases, when an adult focuses on the attacking behaviour with punishment, it will further exacerbate the frustration and attacking emotional energy. What is needed is to come back to the emotion that is driving the attacking behaviour – to the roots of frustration that is fuelling it.

Adults as the Ultimate Comforters

Our role in helping our children’s tears flow is to accept that they need to come out. Our focus on reason and rationale is lost on them, it is about their hurt feelings and disappointments. It is about the generous invitation they need from us to welcome their tears and all that it means for them. While we might not see a broken toy, losing a game, not getting another cookie as a big deal – it is for them – especially the first time around. What they need from us is room for their tears to fall and their disappointment to be felt in a non-shaming or non-punitive environment. They don’t need our discomfort with their upset to stop what must come out of them. They need adults who can hold onto them through the emotional storms so that mad can turn into sad as they accept the limits and restrictions they are up against. It is in how we offer a hug or soft words, a warm presence, an invitation to be close and room to cry, and patience to wait it out. It is in these tears where transformation and adaptation occur – where they realize they can survive what didn’t work, can’t work, won’t work, or shouldn’t work – and that they are okay despite this. It might be cookies and ice cream today but it paves the way for the big disappointments that will come – a poor grade, a job they don’t get, to loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

Young children weren’t meant to take care of their feelings, they are just starting to learn names for them. We need to stop outsourcing our responsibility for a child’s upset onto their shoulders with statements such as, “control your temper,” “calm down,” “why can’t you figure this out,” “I have told you a hundred times,” “stop being like that,” “cut-it-out,” “you need to think more positively,” or the classic line, “why are you crying – I’ll give you something to cry about.” We need to step in to take care of their frustration and tears, they are the clearest signals to us they need help. Helping a child understand what is behind their tears is the goal but they will not lower their emotional defenses for just anyone.

What we do in the face of our children’s tears, both mad and sad ones, will communicate to them what type of caretaker we are and whether we can be trusted to take care of their heart. Can they trust us with their hurt feelings? Can they trust us to guide them through their foul frustration to their tears? If we can’t hold onto them through these storms then they will not hold onto us. We cannot guide a child towards maturity if they don’t follow us.

What I find truly ironic is that when we make room for our children’s tears we will find that it transforms us too. When we have to stretch emotionally to make room for the emotions our children stir up in us, it grows us up. Our love for them can make us more emotionally mature by forcing us to temper our strong reactions. If you have ever had to hold onto your frustration in the face of your child’s, you will know exactly what I mean. My hope would be that when we are faced with our children’s tears we would be close enough to our own so that we would instinctively know what they needed most from us.

(1) Aletha Solter, “Understanding tears and tantrums,” Young Children 47, no. 4 (1992): 64–68.

(2) William H. Frey and Muriel Langseth, Crying: The Mystery of Tears (Minneapolis, MN: Winston Press, 1985).

(3) Ad Vingerhoets, Why Only Humans Weep: Unravelling the Mysteries of Tears (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2013).

(4) Gordon Neufeld, Making Sense of Kids Course, (Vancouver: Neufeld Institute, 2013).

Deborah is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parent of children and teens. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). All work is based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD, please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Leading a Sensitive Child into Vulnerable Territory

One of the key challenges faced by parents raising a sensitive child is leading them into vulnerable territory. They may try to avert attention away from difficult topics, erupt in silliness when facing something that is emotionally charged, or just tell you, “I don’t want to talk about it.” The goal is not to push a sensitive child into vulnerable territory but to read their needs and lead them there gently.

Approximately 15 to 20% of children fall on the sensitivity spectrum and are more likely to be affected by environmental stimuli (1). Their experience of the world is heightened given their enhanced receptivity to it, with some unable to filter out irrelevant information. It is as if they were born with a thinner skin and are not buffered against the noise, sights, and sensations that bombard and overwhelm them. As a result, things that are distressing can be felt more intensely with big reactions potentially ensuing. They are typically difficult to draw out when it comes to talking about emotionally charged subjects. Research on sensitivity has linked it with an increased likelihood of mental health and addiction issues with heightened emotionally vulnerability playing a key role in these challenges (2). The same research also demonstrates that when sensitive kids are afforded good home environments they can thrive and flourish.

Four Strategies to Support Sensitive Kids

There are number of strategies parents can employ that will help lead their sensitive kids into vulnerable territory when needed (3). It starts with having at least one person with whom they have a strong relationship with and who is able to make some sense of their big internal world. What they need most of all are adults who won’t shame or hold their intense reactions against them.

Shield and Protect

One of the common mistakes made with sensitive kids is treating them as if they were the same as other children. It is important to consider when to shield and protect them from experiences that would be too overwhelming and stressful and not push them to be like other kids. Sensitive kids do not have a ‘skin’ to buffer against the outside world so a caring adult will need to play this role. If too much stimulation or distressing situations are pushed on them, it can overload them with thoughts and feelings giving rise to frustration and alarm type reactions. There will be times to introduce a child to new things and times to recognize when it is too much, such as watching scary movies, going to parties with lots of people and noise, or being left on their own in structured activities when younger. Every sensitive child is different and needs at least one strong caretaker who can read their needs and take the lead in shielding and protecting them.

Cultivate Resilience to Match Sensitivity

While our children may be born sensitive, it is their environment that can help them develop the resiliency that will match their sensitivity levels. While we need to shield them from stress that is too overwhelming, we don’t want to remove all upset from their life. They don’t need to be toughened up, they just need to face things that are disappointing, that can’t be changed, and to feel vulnerable feelings and realize they can survive this. Sometimes we need to wait for the intensity of their experience to subside and to come back to them later. As we circle back around to incidents we can tell them we will make it easy for them to hear what we have to say.

Sensitive kids will need to have a good relationship with their tears as there are often many things that frustrate them and need adapting to. Sometimes it is very hard to hear ‘no’ answers to their requests, especially when they have strong desires that drive them. They need caretakers who can invite, accept, support, and make room for their big feelings to be expressed in ways that preserve the child’s dignity and keep others safe. They don’t need to be ‘calmed down’ but allowed to express what is inside of them. Signs that a sensitive child is stuck emotionally may include not being able to cry tears or express sadness and disappointment, regression in their self-control, increased frustration and aggression, as well as elevated resistance and opposition. If they get stuck, it is time to consider how to increase attachment and reduce separation, using one’s caretaking to resuscitate their emotional systems.

3. Stay in the Lead
Sensitive kids can have big emotional reactions, which can confound and displace their caretakers. Sometimes they feel intimidating to care for, that they are too much to handle, or that a parent doesn’t know what to do with them. Conveying they are too much to handle does little to convey confidence in a caretaker to lead them through vulnerable emotions. The child’s brain may move to press down or inhibit these feelings in order to make the relationship work for the parent, possibly leading to escalation’s of erupting emotion at other times. If we convey to a child they are too much, it can interfere with feeling they can be cared for by us. We need to seize the lead in caring for them, read their needs, work ahead of problems to ensure they can navigate through without overwhelm and high alarm, all while ensuring they are not spared upset. It is a delicate dance to be sure, but one that is possible when you make sense of your sensitive child and truly understand what they need most from you.

Create Opportunities for More Expressive Activities

Given the busy internal world of the sensitive child, there is a commensurate need for expression in order to balance out their emotional systems. They often need more expressive activities such as art, drawing, music, building, creating, moving, dancing, or writing in order to provide emotional stability. Being able to play where there are no expectations on performance or outcomes helps draw out their internal world and release emotional energy. Sometimes there are no words for their experiences but it is in play where they can express the world that is stirred up inside of them. Play should offer a sensitive child a safe space where vulnerable feelings can be felt and expressed without facing any repercussions for their behaviour.

If we want to understand the emotional world of our sensitive kids we will need to be patient and to watch, listen, make sense of, and give room for their feelings and emotions to be expressed. They cannot be pushed or hurried through their upset and sometimes they will need a shield to buffer them against too much distress, especially until their resiliency can be cultivated. What they need most from us is to realize there is nothing wrong with being more intense in one’s reactions or easily stirred up with vulnerable emotions. When a sensitive child gives their heart to us for safe keeping we will be trusted to lead them through the emotional storms that are part of life.

Notes

(1) Boyce, T. (2014). Orchid children and the science of kindness. Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education, Vancouver, BC. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mSrc0GFpJw

(2) Ellis, B.J., Boyce, W. T. (2005). Biologial sensitivity to context: Empirical explorations of an evolutionaly-developmental theory. Development and Psychopathology. V. 17,(2), pp. 303-328.

(3) Neufeld, G. The Power to Parent III: Common Challenges, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, neufeldinstitute.org

Info graphic: When Saying Goodnight is Hard – 20 Ways to Bridge the Nighttime Distance

Saying goodnight is hard for many kids because it usually represents the biggest separation from their adults. One of the strategies for helping with bedtime protests is to point a child’s face into connection instead of separation. This can be done by ‘bridging’ – giving them something to hold onto which represents the connection between you. This info graphic provides 20 ways to give a child the sense that you are holding onto them throughout the night and are close to them.

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THE DANGERS OF Suppression

THE PATH TO MATURE Expression

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Sense and Sensitivity: Understanding the Sensitive Child

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How do you know if your child is sensitive?

Providing a sense of security

1. Strong, caring adult relationships

2. Know when to protect from and when to encourage exposure

3. Make room for their emotions and tears

The Gifts of Sensitivity

What Sensitive Kids Would like You to Know About Them

The One Thing Every Kid Needs in their School Backpack

Why Attachment Can Be Challenging With Sensitive Kids

The Trouble with Time-outs

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Role of Tears in Cultivating Resiliency

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Leading a Sensitive Child into Vulnerable Territory

Info graphic: When Saying Goodnight is Hard – 20 Ways to Bridge the Nighttime Distance

Dr. Deborah MacNamara

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