Healing Broken Attachments with our Kids

They are few stressors greater in life than having a challenging relationship with one’s child. It can be heart breaking to look at the chasm in one’s relationship with them, often unleashing a desire to close the distance or even withdrawing altogether. The challenge is we cannot make a child love or want to be near us. We cannot make a child trust, depend on, or give us their heart for safe keeping. Attachment is something that is built between two people, it does not follow orders or commands.

This can lead a parent to ask – is it ever too late to close the distance and get a child’s heart back? The good news is no – it is never too late. Attachment is not a fixed entity and can be cultivated with our kids at any age. Relationships are fluid, permeable, changeable, repairable, and can deepen in vulnerability with time, patience, and good caretaking. Parents are relieved to hear this but often have many questions how this can be done. Sometimes we need to stop and consider how the distance between us got there? This involves more than just recounting incidents but understanding their impact on our relationship with each other.

How Do Relationships Get Weakened in the First Place?

The most impactful of all human experiences is being separated from the people and/or things we are attached to. Attachment is our greatest need, therefore, it is the experience of being separated or rejected that has the capacity to wound a child (and us) most of all. Whether we intend to or not, our actions and words can create too much separation physically and/or emotionally.

When getting close to a parent sets a child up to get hurt on a consistent basis, that child is likely to distance themselves or detach from their parent to preserve and protect their emotional well-being. This is not done intentionally but through the activation of instincts and emotions in the brain that are inherent to human functioning and serve self-preservation. For example, if a child is continuously yelled at, shamed, or receives separation based discipline from an adult (time-outs, 123 magic etc.), they are likely to back out of attachment with that adult. Being close sets them up to get hurt. The most wounding experience of all for a child is experiencing a lack of invitation where they want one, of not being cared for, lacking a sense of belonging and loyalty, and of significance.

A child may also experience too much separation from a parent by not being in enough physical promixity with them. Without consistent regular contact and closeness, a young child may find it hard to stay connected when the feelings of missing are so great. While feelings of missing are a natural by-product of being attached, too much of it can provoke emotional defences in the brain to numb out a child’s feelings, tune out the person, or to detach from the relationship to protect the heart. When trying to engage with a child who is defending against the relationship, a parent may get the cold shoulder or be ignored. This can be short lived or ongoing depending on the level of separation experienced and duration.

A further reason for wounding in the parent/child relationship is the parent’s release of unfiltered emotions onto their kids. Relational problems can be created when we are not consistently tempered in our responses to our children and don’t put the brakes on before speaking our mind when upset. Sometimes yells, threats, or other things come out of our mouths before our head can catch up with us to stop us. While we may not intend to hurt our children, sometimes we do harm to our relationship. When emotions flair, it is important to repair the relationship in the aftermath.

There are many reasons why our children may experience separation from us. Sometimes we don’t collect them nor engage them enough so they turn to substitutes like technology or their peers. When there is distance between us the relational void will be filled by something else or someone. This makes it challenging to reclaim a child and rebuild one’s relationship because the child has now found ‘safer’ substitutes to hold onto. The good news is that it is never too late for a relationship to be mended but it may take time, persistence, faith, tenacity, tears, caring, compassion, consideration, and patience.

Three Ways to Cultivate Stronger Connections

While the circumstances behind the challenges in our relationship will be different for every parent and child, there are a few attachment strategies that can be useful in repairing what has been broken.

Consider a child’s receptivity to a relationship and bridge the distance – Before proceeding to cultivate a closer connection, it is important to consider how receptive a child is to having one with you. If the cold shoulder is a consistent response, then bridging the distance between you may be the most important thing to do. Bridging means sending a message to the child that you seek a connection with them but will not pressure them to be closer to you than they are comfortable with. This can be achieved in subtle ways like staying near them, doing small things to take care of them, and orchestrating your time together through structure, routines, and rituals – all of which are less provocative than being in close relationship. The goal is to look for signs of receptivity and whether a child is warming up to being around you. It will also be important to be working on changing whatever is driving the separation between you in the first place as well.
Take the lead in the relationship dance – The responsibility for the relationship lies with a parent. As children become teens and adults, they do have a greater role to play in the relationship but it still doesn’t negate the need for a parent to hold on and send an invitation for connection. It is our job to take the lead, to bridge the divide, to hold on through the storms, to give more connection than is desired, and to be their answer. It is for us to repair or to mend the challenges in our relationship. We must hold on, lead and find a way through the impasses, and to figure out what is coming between us. While we may be frustrated with the response we get in return, it may signal we need to do more soul searching, be patient, or give it time. Sometimes we can get stuck in our persistence and our children in their resistance. Anger and frustrated responses will get more of the same, we need to change our dance steps and chart a different course if we are going to mend the distance between us. If we have apologies to make then we can do this in simple ways and then get on with the business of caring for them.
Collect and engage their attachment instincts – Collecting a child means trying to get in their face in a friendly way or if this is too provocative we can try to get in the same space as them and collect their ears through our voice. We can start with a greeting, sharing something we have in common, or trying to engage the child in conversation or in play. You can talk about the plans for the day or help them with something – there is no shortage of the ways to connect with a child. What collecting conveys is a desire to be close. It is the repeated and unexpected attempts to connect that can slowly make a difference and signal to a child we want a deeper connection. We need to proceed slowly in collecting a child until we see there is receptivity to our invitation. Our expression of warmth, enjoyment, and delight in being around them are the consistent signals to their emotional systems that we are safe to depend on.

What if they don’t take us up on our offer for relationship?

At the root of our deepest upsets in life is feeling the separation or void from someone we desire contact and closeness with. As parents we can take responsibility for our end of the relationship deal, take the lead in trying to repair what has been broken, and change our responses to reduce separation. Our children may take their time in coming back to us and to this I say – hold on. We don’t know what the path holds ahead for us, relationships have a way of turning around over time with warmth, patience, and a consistent message that we are here. If you had your child’s heart at one time, they will surely be looking on some level to come home to you. Be that safe place to return to and hold on to them as you can.

Gordon Neufeld states, “while loving someone may not change that person, it will surely change you.” If we let our hearts grow cold, if we turn away in anger or hurt from the one’s we love, then this will transform us into different people. If we wall off our hearts, we will surely be lost. It is better to find our tears, lean on other relationships that can help us stay the course, and bide our time. All is not lost when we have the courage to hold on and to love our kids through, over, and around the distance that exists between us. We need to hold on and keep making them an offer for relationship that they can’t refuse.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information please see www.macnamara.ca and www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Five Things You Might Not Know about Attachment Between Parents and Kids

A father sat in my office, visibly upset that his 7 year old son wasn’t listening to him. He recounted challenge after challenge with his son from leaving the park to getting dressed in the morning, from eruptions of frustration to bedtime battles. Exasperated, the father looked at me and asked, “Why would any child follow any parent in the first place?” It was a good question and one I couldn’t answer without making sense of attachment first.

Attachment science is the name given to the study of human relationships. Attachment is how we root our children to a secure base, create a sense of belonging and significance, and nourish them. John Bowlby, the psychiatrist who first coined the term, ‘attachment’ stated, “What is believed to be essential for mental health is that the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother-substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment.”

While there is widespread agreement on the critical role of attachment in emotional and cognitive development, it remains a complex and dynamic field. The science of human relationships is more than just baby bonding, it embodies the fusion of instinct and emotion which drives us to seek contact and closeness with others.

Gordon Neufeld, one of the world’s leading developmental experts, has put the pieces of the attachment puzzle together revealing the complexity of human relationships. While the hunger for relationship is part of the human psyche, how attachment serves to bind us together is a dynamic and fluid story that infuses all aspects of life. What the father of the 7-year old boy didn’t understand was that all of the unrelated challenges he was having with his son stemmed from his relationship with him. Focusing on his son’s behaviour would not reveal the answers he needed, it was when he started to understand what had happened to their relationship that he could start to make headway with him.

Five Things to Understand About Attachment

Attachment is a two-way street – When parents consider how strong their attachment is with a child they often reflect on how much they love their child or want to be around them. Attachment is not just a matter for the parent but for a child too. We often fail to take a step back and consider whether a child is attached to their parent and if so – how deeply? Without a strong relationship there is little capacity for a parent to harness a child’s instincts to follow, obey, adopt the same values, or seek help from their adults. Instead of being able to lead a child, a parent may face constant eruptions of frustration, resistance and opposition, as well as bossy and commanding behaviour. When assessing how good our relationship is we should consider it through the eyes of our child. The answer for the father who asked me why a child would follow a parent was attachment. It is a child’s love for us that empowers us in our caretaking role. You cannot truly care for a child who has not given their heart to you.

Separation is the most impactful of all experiences – Attachment is the greatest need a child has therefore separation is one of the most impactful of all experiences. Separation is especially provocative for young children because of their immaturity and high dependency needs. The experience of separation can stir up three primal emotions in a child – pursuit, frustration, and alarm. They may cling or clutch, erupt in frustration, or exhibit fear and anxiety, well after the separation has occurred. The answer is to ensure wherever they go, they are attached to the adults who will care for them – from teachers to extended family members – connection is key when leaving them with others. Attachment and separation are two sides of the same coin, that is, our children only miss the people that they desire to be close to.

Relationship is a shield to protect against emotional wounding – One of the challenges for kids is the range of emotions and feelings they experience, with the capacity to be hurt and wounded deeply. Being rejected, not loved or cared for, can be wounding to the heart but this is offset by a caring relationship with an adult. When a child cares more about what an adult sees in them, then the wounding ways of their peers and other adults is less likely to hurt as deep. The key to resilience and surviving stress and adversity in kids relies on the availability of at least one strong caring emotionally available adult who can comfort, provide a sense of consistency, warmth, guidance, and who will invite tears or sadness when necessary. The reason children need to be attached to adults is that it gives that adult the capacity to preserve and protect the emotional health in a child.

The instinct to detach instead of attach – Just as human beings come with instincts to seek connection with others, they also come with instincts to detach when the threat of separation or wounding is present. If caring about someone or something sets you up to get hurt, the brain can reverse the attachment instincts and lead the child to push away from that adult. For example, the father in my office discussed how his son held him in contempt, did the opposite of what he was told, mocked, defied, countered, or talked back, or in other words – parenting had become a nightmare. When a child detaches, the type of behaviour that ensues can be very difficult to manage and usually creates more separation between the adult and the child. The goal is to focus on restoring the relationship while at the same time having to deal with behaviour that is challenging and provocative.

The depersonalization of attachment – Attachments can become depersonalized meaning that instead of seeking contact and closeness, a sense of belonging, significance, caring, or being known by a specific person, that there is a turn to less personal forms of connection. Someone could move to collect belongings rather than seek a sense of belonging to someone. Someone could seek significance in groups, workplaces, through their constant achievements or striving, or through social media – all of which are one step removed from a close social bond with an individual. Depersonalized attachments are an attempt by the brain to move someone towards connecting with others, but in ways that are less vulnerable and provide a buffer zone against the potential wounding from separation.

It is too often the case that when our children act in ways that defy understanding or are uncivilized, we are quick to focus directly on their behaviour. What gets missed is the child’s attachment needs and the emotional issues that drive the most problematic behaviour. While we cannot condone uncivilized behaviour from our kids, we can move to protect the relationship as well as use it to help influence and guide a child in a different direction. If we treated the biggest problems we have with our kids as attachment issues, we would likely be closer to the root cause, and closer to making headway in the right direction with them.

Reference

Neufeld, G. (2012). The Attachment Puzzle Course, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, Canada

How to Repair a Relationship with a Child When You Blow It

Sometimes all the good intentions in the world are not enough to stop a parent from losing their temper with a child. One can wake up in the morning and make promises to oneself not to yell or get frustrated but before the day is over the yells have been unleashed. Guilt, shame, alarm or defensiveness can flood a parent as they realize the impact of their actions. How can a parent recover and restore their relationship with a child after blowing it?

Parental overreactions to their child’s behaviour can harm their relationship. Human beings are not designed to be perfect and are prone to suffering lapses in emotional control and having immature reactions despite knowing better. In other words, mistakes in parenting are going to be made – this is not the issue as much as how we recover when we have made them.

There are many reasons why parents can overreact. Sometimes it is out of exhaustion, emotional overwhelm, being frustrated or alarmed about a child or something else in their life. One’s child may not even be the source of what is frustrating a parent but has become the person upon which a parent unleashes. Parents have emotions too and they get stirred up. What is key is not to unleash one’s unfiltered thoughts and feelings onto a child.

Steps to Repairing the Relationship

When a parent has overreacted or has been too harsh with a child, there are a number of things to consider in rebuilding or repairing one’s relationship with them.

Take the lead in mending the relationship

The role of the parent is to lead and to assume responsibility for caring for a child. If there is distance between us or hurt feelings, it will be the parent who needs to get in there first to try and find a way to mend the divide. Looking for signs of receptivity can help us determine if a child is ready to be closer to us.

Take responsibility for one’s actions

When we regret what we have done it is important to convey to a child what we are sorry when appropriate. It can be conveyed clearly and succinctly with, “I am sorry I yelled, I was frustrated and took it out on you.” It is important not to grovel for forgiveness from the child as this would displace the parent from their alpha role. At the same time, the parent can take the lead in conveying that they disagree with their own behaviour and will intend to do differently next time.

Let the child be upset

It is important to acknowledge and make room for a child to be upset with you, even if apologies have been made. To expect a child to ‘just get over it’ doesn’t honour their internal experience. Letting the child know that you are okay with them still feeling hurt gives them permission to feel vulnerably and honours their emotional world. Too often our kids hear they have to calm down and just get over it when they are still upset. If we are really sorry then we will give some room for a child to express their feelings about what has transpired too.

Bridge the divide between you

When our overreactions have divided us from our kids, it is important to let them know we still desire to be close to them or look forward to spending time with them. We might want to draw attention to the next point of connection with them such as, “I will look forward to driving you to soccer or reading a book at bedtime.” Even if our kids don’t want us near us we can communicate that there is still a desire in us to be close to them.

Focus little on their behaviour

When we blow it the reality is that our opportunity to teach a child something or influence them to do something different has been hijacked by our overreaction. The focus is now on the relational divide and alarm and frustration in the child that has been created in the wake of our overreaction. The focus needs to go on repairing the relationship and not rehashing the incident.

Children adopt the values of the people they are close to. When we take the lead in repairing our relationship we convey to them the importance of taking responsibility for our actions and their impact on other people.

What if Your Child Won’t Let You Come Near Them?

The hardest thing for a child to deal with is separation from someone they are attached to. They can feel highly alarmed and frustrated which leads to a reversal of their attachment instincts. Instead of wanting to be close to someone they can detach in defense. When kids detach and don’t let their parents near the goal is not to let yourself be alienated from the child nor provoke further detachment by pushing contact and closeness upon them.

When a child runs to their room and says ‘go away’ or turtles and tells everyone to “just leave me alone,” they are needing some distance given their overwhelming feelings. The goal is to keep them safe, convey you are still there and won’t leave them, but won’t pressure them. If you leave or back away it can create further alarm and frustration in a child that you are leaving them. Conversely, if you move too fast to be close to them you will increase their frustration and alarm and lead to a strong adverse reaction.

The best course of action is to bide your time, reduce pressure and coercion, and looks for signs that your child is ready for contact and closeness. When you see they are more receptive then you can proceed slowly and focus attention away from the event so as to reduce strong feelings. A parent can tell a child they will talk about it later and can come back to what isn’t working at another time.

What to do About Losing It?

I have met few, if any parents that were happy about seeing their child hurt or upset as a result of their overreactions. At the same time, a parent can feel frustrated with how they seem to be powerless to change their reactions. There are a number of helpful things to bear in mind when considering how to make headway on not overreacting.

Make room for your feelings

Many time parents believe they have to cut out their frustration or feelings of alarm in order to take care of a child well. This is impossible, we are creatures who feel a lot. The goal is not to reduce our feelings but to neutralize them with other feelings. When our caring is bigger than our frustration we will be more tempered in our reactions to our kids. When our caring can answer the alarm we feel, then the result will be courage to face into things that are difficult. The answer is not to feel less but to feel more caring. Trying to cut out one’s feelings is the surest way to make sure they explode out of you. In the heat of the moment, it is helpful to try and find your caring about the type of reaction you give a child and its potential impact on them.

Do no harm

If all you can remember in the most heated moments ‘to do no harm to the relationship’ then you will be in good standing with your child. Trying to actively parent when you are overwhelmed or frustrated often leads to things going sideways. Kids remember what they have done so there is always time to talk about things later when emotions are in check. The goal is to hold onto your relationship, quickly convey what isn’t working, and proceed to change the circumstances if warranted.

Replay, review, and reflect on incidents

Sometimes the best view we have of ourselves is in hindsight. It is when we reflect on what didn’t work or what we regret that allows us to think about ways to handle it differently. There is no manual when it comes to parenting and there doesn’t need to be one. When we feel, we reflect, we make sense of our kids – all of these things can help us find our way through tricky situations.

Parenting has never been about perfection but about leading our children towards maturity. On this journey we will do things we regret but we can make intentions to handle it differently the next time. What our kids need to know is that our relationship is intact, they can trust us with their heart, and that we assume responsibility for our feelings and thoughts, making amends wherever needed. Despite the mistakes we will make, we need to ensure our kids that we really are their best bet.

Playing Matchmaker: Cultivating Relationships with Teachers and Adults Who Care for Our Kids

When we give birth to a child, we also need to cultivate the village of adults that will help us raise them. This community may consist of daycare workers, teachers, coaches, instructors, to extended family. This is critical as children flourish in environments where there is a seamless connection or invisible matrix of adults surrounding them. The challenge is parents can’t leave this formation to chance, they must introduce and matchmake one’s children to the adults who are responsible for them.

Matchmakers are agents of attachment who are not afraid to take the lead in fostering human connection. While the word matchmaker is usually associated with romantic relationships or business partnerships, it serves another role when it comes to caring for kids. Matchmakers connect two people who are unknown to each other and foster a sense of relatedness.

Why is matchmaking so important? Children have natural shyness instincts that move them to resist contact and closeness with people they are not attached to. As an attachment instinct, shyness ensures that a child follows, obeys, listens, and shares the same values as the people they are closest to. Children should naturally shy away from people who have not been sanctioned by their closest attachments.

When we look for people who will help us care for our children we consider many things such as their background, training, facilities, and demeanour but one of the most important thing to consider is whether we can foster a caring relationship between them and our child. If a child, especially young ones, do not feel at home in their adult relationships, they will be difficult to care for and may turn to their peers over their adults in terms of connection.

5 Ways to Play Matchmaker

The essence of matchmaking is being able to introduce a child and adult in a way that engages their attachment instincts and desire for contact and closeness. There are a number of strategies one can employ as a matchmaker; yet, it is as much about the science of attachment as it is the art of cultivating relationships.

Take the lead

To be a matchmaker a parent needs to feel empowered in this role and be a little arrogant that they are the answer to ensuring two people have a relationship. For example, at a dentist or doctors office a parent needs to take the lead in introducing their child. When we have the attachment lead with a child, we need to guide them to other caring adults and show them we approve of the connection. We can’t assume that adults will collect our kids and start building a relationship with them. If we allow others to do the introductions for us, we are not in the lead. We were meant to point out to our children the people we believe to be their best bet for leaning upon.

Look for sameness and similarities

One of the ways children feel connected to adults is through sameness, meaning they feel they have something in common with them. Being the same as someone is not as vulnerable as having to share your secrets or heart. As a matchmaker, parents need to work to prime the relationship, pointing our similarities and working hard to highlight areas of likeness. For example, one mother said her four year was having a hard time settling into kindergarten so she approached his teacher for help.

“I spoke with the teacher the other day about bringing my son in early so he could settle in when there was no one else around. He seems to be anxious when things are busy so we left early to get him there before all of the kids started trickling in. We then packed his dinosaurs to bring to school and spoke about how wonderful it was to bring things to share with his teacher and friends. His teacher noticed his tote when he walked in the class and asked questions about it and that seemed to make him super happy! And then they walked to the carpet and set up his toys. I gave him a high 5 and said his teacher and friends were going to be super happy to see what he brought! He then turned to me and waved goodbye!!! No tears, no fuss!”

There are many ways to draw out similarities, from similar interests, experiences, to desires. When kids feel that they have something in common with people that care for them, they are more likely to be more receptive to their care. The challenge is that a sense of sameness is often easier with their same aged peers which could come at the expense of their adult ones. This can lead to a host of problems including peer orientation where they are more influenced and take direction from their friends rather than adults.

Foster a sense of approval and connection between the adults

When a parent demonstrates that they like another adult, a child will often follow their lead. On an instinctive level the child’s brain says, “If you like this person then I will like them too.” When they see us expressing warmth, delight and enjoyment to another person, they are likely to follow our lead. This requires us to be thoughtful in our conversations regarding the adults in their life and ensure what they hear preserves these relationships. For example, when a child has a new teacher it will be important to express approval and interest in this person, encouraging a child to share their daily experiences with them. It is important to not judge what these adults do in front of the child as we will run the risk of thwarting their relationship. If conversations are required regarding the child, then it is often best done without them being present.

Create routines and rituals to foster connection

Creating a culture of attachment is best done through routines and rituals. Routines are great at orienting kids to the transition between their adults such as at drop off and pick up. This could include a standard hello as well as some simple conversation about everyday events like the weather or plans for the day. When a parent feels the child has connected to the adult they can say their goodbyes and leave swiftly. Hanging around to talk or prolonged goodbye often agitates young children as they don’t know who they should orient too.

One father told me his drop off included pretending he was a knight and telling his 4 year old that, “The warm hearted maiden, Angela, will care for you in my absence. You are in good stead with her my son.” With a bow to Angela and his son he left promptly. His son looked forward to each morning’s goodbye and Angela felt empowered in her caretaking role.

Rituals foster connection and a sense of community – from celebrating holidays to special occasions. When children see adults sharing food, eating meals together, gathering, playing games or going on outings, the sense of being cared for by a village is further highlighted. For young children gradual entry and school orientations are also important rituals which allow a child to warm up to a teacher or daycare provider and feel comfortable with them.

Maintain a hierarchy of attachments

It is fine to introduce children to many adults as long as we keep their attachment hierarchy in place. The parent(s) need to be at the top of the hierarchy with all other adults falling under them. To ensure this, a parent needs to explain to whom a child should go to for help when needed.

If a child sees a parent being reprimanded, dismissed, or treated poorly by other adults, it can threaten their attachment hierarchy with the parent at the helm. If a parent needs support then it is best to do it in a way that preserves the parent role in the eyes of a child. Admonishing parents in front of their child can hurt a child in the long run. They need to feel and believe their parents know how to care for them, even if the parent needs support in being able to do this.

Hellos and goodbyes can be provocative for kids but they are made less so when kids feel connected to adults at each of these junctures. We can’t blame our kids for missing their favourite people but we can help them feel at home with other caring adults. What children need most is a network of caring adults. If we devote even half of our energy to this instead of focussing on peer to peer relationships, we could build a seamless attachment matrix around them.

Parents need to play matchmaker and introduce one’s children to the supporting cast of adults that will help raise them. Children shouldn’t have to question who is caring for them. They need to be free to play and focus on learning about who they are and what they can do.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), and Director of the Kid’s Best Bet, a counselling and family resource center. For more information see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The One Thing Every Kid Needs in their School Backpack

A friend told me her son couldn’t understand why a young child he knew had such a hard time being away from his mother while at school. The kindergartener would cling to her mother’s hand and in tears, voice protestations to being left behind. My friend explained to her son that the 5-year old felt scared to be separated and left with people she didn’t know well. Her son, still confused, looked up at her and said, “but why doesn’t she just talk to her Mom in her head?” Astonished, my friend looked at her son and said, “is that what you do?” He replied, “Yeah, I talk to you in my head all day, it helps me not feel so lonely and I don’t miss you as much.”

What every kid needs to take to school is an adult they hold onto psychologically. It is the sense they carry with them that there is someone to return home to, share their secrets with, and feel a sense of significance, belonging, and caring towards. It underlies their capacity to be resilient, resourceful, and survive adversity. It allows them to face the challenges that school will present, from learning new subjects to persevering on tasks that are difficult. It will be critical to helping them deal with tricky peer groups, friends that turn into enemies, and bullies that are on every playground.

The beautiful design inherent to attachment is that we don’t have to be physically close to someone to feel connected; rather, we need to make sure we are firmly planted in their heart. A strong relationship with at least one caring adult is the answer to resiliency in our kids – not skills they have to learn, having to act tough, or to ‘suck it up.’ We don’t need to work at preventing our kid’s from facing adversity but make sure they don’t face it alone. Relationship is the natural home for the human heart.

The Shielding Effect of Adult Relationships

When a child has a strong relationship with an adult, their heart is shielded. The emotional system is protected from the wounding words and ways of others because a child cares more what their closest adult attachment thinks about them. What kids say doesn’t hurt as much, it doesn’t feel as toxic, personal, nor as deep. The best inoculation against ‘mean’ kids is an adult who is holding onto a child. It is an adult who should offer a child an invitation for relationship that is gracious, generous, forgiving and unwavering.

While adult relationships shield kid’s emotional systems from the worst parts of their day, there will still be tears that may need to be shed. There will be emotions that are stirred up and need to be expressed as well as problems to be solved. It is through relationship they are invited to rest from all that does not work so that they can embrace what might.

As a parent it feels like my homework each night involves gathering my kids and trying to take their pulse emotionally. I aim to help them make sense of their disappointments, hurts, as well as excitement and joy. Sometimes the stories and day’s events spill out of them spontaneously, or sometimes they need space, quiet, food, or to play before I can engage them. At dinner my kids sometimes compete for airtime or can be mute, alerting me to the fact that a bedtime chat is likely the best place to connect. I care little how or when my children and I engage on the day’s event and only that we do. I keep my eyes on our relationship and an ear to their emotional world, vigilant to when I am needed most. I take faith that what my kids need most in facing the world outside are the relationships that anchor them to home.

How to Cultivate Strong Relationships with Kids

The recipe to cultivating a strong relationship with a child cannot be reduced to a set of instructions, directions, or mantras to hold onto. Relationships at their root, are an invitation that is offered to someone. It is an invitation to depend, to trust in, be guided by, and feel at home with someone. We cannot dictate how relationships are forged and protected but we can be certain that it is the answer to the problem of facing separation and adversity.

Tragically, there are too many kids who are not tethered to an adult home and will look for substitutes to hold onto. They often lean on their friends for connection which usually leads to issues in terms of their emotional vulnerability. An immature child is a poor substitute for the caring relationship an adult can offer.

The good news is it is also possible for a teacher or another adult to anchor a child’s heart as well. The sense that someone cares for them and offers them an invitation for relationship goes a long way when they face rejection, separation, or are shamed by their peers. From the educational assistants who encourage kids to keep trying to the counsellors that are a soft place to land when days are hard – these adults can make a difference to kids when home is challenged to offer what they need most.

The following strategies are key to building strong relationship with kids and protecting them from competing attachments such as peers or technological devices.

Collect their attention and engage their attachment instincts

We all seek connection – it is the primary driver in our attention system. The goal is to get their first with kids, meaning we need to collect their eyes, smile or a nod in agreement. We need to engage them each morning by checking in, talking about the plans for the day, to sharing a funny story – anything that puts you into relationship with them. Feeding them is a wonderful opportunity to collect their eyes and to invite them to depend on you.

Cultivate loyalty and a sense of belonging

When a child perceives an adult as being disloyal to them by not taking their side, understanding their perspective, or using what they care about against them through consequences or the use of time outs – the relationship can take a hit. When there is a sense that an adult is not for them, a separation is created in the relationship. The challenge is there are times we cannot abide by a child’s actions or their words, when their behaviour is clearly inappropriate and we will need to act. Finding our way through these situations while maintaining a sense of belonging and loyalty can be achieved by coming alongside the feelings and thoughts that have stirred a child up. While we make note of what isn’t okay, we can cue the child that we do understand and are there to help with what isn’t working for them. It doesn’t mean we have to change what isn’t working, but we can give them some room to express it.

Family rituals, structure, and routine

As kids face the separations that are part of life, they need to regularly return to things that ground them. Rituals and structure are these anchors, providing a regular hum and predictability to contact with their key relationships. From the morning routine that starts with a hello and ends with a goodbye to the dinner time that starts with a hello and ends with a goodnight – these are the rhythm’s that connect kids to time, place, and people. If separation is the problem, then holding onto to the connection that comes from rituals, structures, and routines is the answer.

The reality is we can’t perfect a child’s world or ensure they never face adversity. Venturing away from home is an important part of life. School often represents the first bold steps in this direction but we need not be alarmed by what awaits them. We just need to work at making sure they have our relationship to hold onto that will shield their heart from wounding. Relationship is the home of the heart and when we understand this, we won’t ever fear that our kids will ever be too far away from us.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the Founder of Kid’s Best Bet, Counselling and Family Resource Centre, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). For more information please see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

Softening the Hardened Heart

Hearts can grow cold and become hardened, something poets, artists, and musicians have always claimed. From children to adults, emotional numbing is part of the human condition and reveals the inherent vulnerability in a system that was built to feel deeply. As Hank Williams lamented, “Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?” The loss to human functioning is tragic as it is our caring that makes us fully human and most humane.

Today we have neuroscience mapping out how emotional inhibition occurs within the limbic system. At last Freud’s theory of how we can be driven by unconscious emotions has gained its neuroscientific footing. Every brain comes equipped with the capacity to tune out what distresses, repress bad memories, dull the pain, suppress alarming feelings, and be divested of caring and responsibility (1). The anthem of the emotional defended is, “I don’t care,” “doesn’t matter,” “that doesn’t bother me,” or “whatever” and resounds loudly among our kids (and many adults) today.

Being defended against vulnerable feelings is an equal opportunity problem not confined by geography, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, or education level. It is a quintessential human issue given our unique capacity to reflect on our emotions and assign feeling names, unlike other mammal species. The three or four year old who suddenly bursts out with their words instead of their hits, “I frustrated! I need HELP!” reveals the developmental sophistication in this system. We were meant to develop a language of the heart, one that takes us towards civilized relating around emotional content.

When Caring Goes Missing

Caring feelings are a luxury in a world that feels like it is coming undone. There are sometimes too many acts of uncaring for a human heart to bear in today’s ‘connected world’ when self centered actions dominate, combined with an absence of shame or fear, and no tears in the face of all that should make us weep. As T.S. Eliot pens in his poem, “The Hollow Men,” vulnerable feelings often go missing not with a bang but with a whimper. We were meant to care deeply – and not just about ourselves but about others too. The hunger for connection is what should hold us together but there are times we seem so intent on tearing these relationships apart. The vulnerable feelings that make us most vital and human go missing for the sake of survival.

When the emotional system flatlines, not only does fear disappear but joy, delight, and enjoyment too. Some of my counselling clients would tell me, “I don’t need anybody, I don’t really care I am on my own” with little emotion. It created problems attaching to others and preventing the love that was there for them in getting through the wall of defenses their brain had erected. They could not feel, despite being aware on some level that they really should be. As one teen said to me, I know I should be happy but I just don’t feel anything right now. When the emotional system operates in a defensive mode, the caring feelings go missing along with their tempering effect on frustration, upset, alarm, and impatience.

How to Revive Hardened Hearts

What is critical to remember is when a heart becomes hardened, the brain has its own reasons for pressing down upon vulnerable feelings. To feel sets the person up to get hurt and the brain is geared towards survival at all costs. To bring emotional defenses down, the heart must be softened. The question is how can this be done? The heart won’t be resuscitated through logic, cognitive manipulation, or behavioural interventions. When our kids lose their caring (or adults), it is the warmth and caring of others that offers the best chance of melting emotional defenses.

According to Gordon Neufeld, a heart can only be softened with the cultivation of safe and caring attachments with others. It is relationship that offers someone the promise of safety, warmth and dependence. It is attachment that is the ancidote to facing too much separation and leads to wounding. The human heart will spontaneously recover and experience vulnerable feelings again when emotional defenses are no longer needed. It cannot get there with a pill, prodding, pushing, cajoling, rewarding, or punishing but only through the warmth of another human being.

What every person needs most of all is a guardian for their heart. As one ten year old said to her mother, “I don’t what it is about you Mama, but when I talk to you I feel such comfort.” One of my clients said her sixteen-year old son said, “Mom, you always seem to know what to say to help me when I am really scared.” This is the job of parenting – to hold on to our kid’s hearts and shield them. As adults, the hope would be that we can rest in the care of another.

Three Keys to Melting Emotional Defenses

Lead into Vulnerable Territory – If we are going to soften emotional defenses and increase vulnerability we will need to lead someone there but this can’t be done without cultivating a strong relationship first. When I trained new counselors they would often ask me for the ‘techniques’ to elicit emotional responses in clients. I would lecture them on how they were asking me the wrong question. The most important part of their role was not a diagnosis or a technique but about showing up as a human being. Psychology does not own suffering, humans do. We cannot expect someone to share their heart with us if we have not earned a place in their life first.

When we have built a strong relationship with someone we can lead then lead them towards vulnerable territory, ever so gently. With a young child it might be reading picture books about characters with big feelings, taking an older child to see a movie such as “Inside Out,” or having chats with teens about the songs they are listening to or the ‘heros’ they admire. It is our job to use our relationship to come to their side and invite them to share their world with us. When appropriate we can reflect back what we have heard in increasingly vulnerable ways such as, “sadness saves the day – who ever thought that would happen!” It is the slow, but consistent message that all of a child’s feelings are welcome and that the relationship can handle what needs to be said, that will slowly bring the defenses down.

To lead someone to their vulnerable feelings we will need to be caring ourselves and model an openness to vulnerability. This doesn’t mean we tell our children our feelings about them but rather reflect on vulnerability as a strength and as being valued. We can then increasingly touch emotional bruises in their life in a gentle way as needed.

Shield with a safe attachment – When a child has a caring attachment that they can take for granted, their heart will be shielded by that relationship. What we forget with our kids is just because we are their guardian, it doesn’t mean they have given us their heart for safe keeping. If a child is truly at home with someone, the hurts in their life can be experienced and made sense of with this person. We cannot protect our children from being hurt all the time, but we can make sure they are not sent out into the world to deal with it on their own. It is our love and caretaking that buffers them against rejection, betrayal, and heartache.

The beautiful design in attachment is that our hearts can shield another’s from injury – it is the ultimate cure and protection. As my children lament about their school day and harsh words from friends, I collect their tears and remind them that they are never too far from home. As I listen to their emotional injuries, my balm is to tell them not to take it into their heart, and to look at me, the one who knows them best. When we feel overwhelmed and lost it is about who we look to that will help ground us, to center us, and to bring us back to ourselves. It is caring that is meant to tie us together and make us caretakers for each other’s hearts.

Protect from emotional wounding and facing separation –If the brain has erected emotional defenses then we can try to reduce the need for them by creating shame-free zones. Typically these would be protected spaces against peer and sibling interactions that are wounding. It would mean minimizing involvement in places where there was a lack of invitation for connection, e.g. a family member that is unkind to a child, or a classroom full of kids who bully.

If the child’s world is too much for them emotionally then we will need to consider how we change their world to reduce the need for defenses. While this may lead to some hard choices, until the heart is back online, there will be problems with behaviour and development can be at a standstill. When the heart is flatlining, resuscitating it become the first order of business.

In reducing wounding we would want to scan the child’s world to see where they face too much separation. This can include forms of discipline that are separation based including time-outs and the overuse of consequences. Moving to more attachment based and developmentally friendly forms of discipline can help to reduce wounding. When problems occur, finding a way to hold on to the relationship in the middle of the storm is the best way through, for example, “this isn’t working, we will talk about this later,” or “I can’t let you do this, I see you are frustrated, I will help you figure it out.” When there are emotional defenses that are stuck, it will be common to have behaviour problems to have to work around until more vulnerable feelings come back on line. It will involve protecting others, including the dignity of the parent and child involved.

What is clear is we cannot ‘will’ emotional defenses to rise or fall, this is not for us to say. However, it is within our capacity to move into relationship with someone, to take up a relationship with their feelings, and to convey that despite everything, it is our relationship that is most secure in their life. If hurting too much is the problem, then surely love is the answer. It is a solution as old as time but one that needs to keep being retold in a world that continues to come undone.

Reference

(1) Gordon Neufeld, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids, 2013, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC. www.neufeldinstitute.org

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents and professionals based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

The Trouble with Time-outs

The Trouble with Time-Outs

Time outs have become a popular disciplinary practice, aimed at replacing spanking and broadly supported by health and parenting professionals. Like a magic wand, they seek to immediately change a child’s behaviour but rarely is the question asked, “Why do they work and at what cost to the child? From the naughty chair to sending a child to their room, time-outs typically involve excluding or isolating a child from others and/or activities. Time-outs are hailed as a ‘success’ when a child returns from one willing to listen and behave but what is the long-term impact on a child’s development and their relationship to adults? Based on the last seventy years of research in developmental science, it is clear the reason time-outs ‘work’ is the same reason we shouldn’t use them in the first place.

The problem with disciplinary advice given to parents today is it is often disconnected from developmental science and fragmented, not taking into account how a child grows and matures. The benchmark for measuring disciplinary success is whether problematic behaviour has stopped with the belief that a child has learned a lesson. Changing a child’s behaviour in the moment does not equal maturity – one is a short-term solution – the other is a long-term proposition. We have become preoccupied with what to do in the moment and have lost sight of the bigger question. We need to consider how our approach to discipline helps to foster or erode the relational conditions our children require to grow as socially and emotionally responsible beings. Discipline doesn’t make our kids more mature, it is what we do to compensate for the fact that they are not. Discipline is how we provide order to the chaos that immaturity brings. The question is not whether we remove our children from others and activities that are clearly not working, (e.g., having a tantrum in a restaurant), but how we can do this while preserving our relationship with a child as well as their emotions.

Why do Time-out’s ‘Work’ to Extinguish Behaviour?

Time-outs work because they trade on a child’s greatest need – connection. The emotional system in a child is geared towards preserving proximity with their closest attachments and trumps physical hunger. Attachment is defined as the intense pursuit for contact and closeness with an adult, feeling significant, that they are cared for, known and understood. As Urie Brofenbenner the founder of the Head Start Program, said, “Every child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about him or her.”¹ The womb of personhood is a relational one and it is our connection to our children that unlocks their potential to mature.

Parent and child relationships are critical when it comes to being able to care for them as it fosters dependence on us, should create a sense of safety and protection, enable us to impart our values, and point our children towards civilized relating when required. As a result, a child’s emotional system is designed and governed by impulses and instincts to preserve connection with their caretakers. It is the hunger for connection that time-out’s prey and rely on, exploiting a child’s greatest need.

What a time-out can represent to a child is that the invitation for relationship is withdrawn unless conduct and behaviour changes. This is the essence and definition of a conditional invitation for connection. If a child deems the relationship with the adult as being worth preserving, their alarm system will press down on other emotions in order to tuck them back into relationship with this adult. In other words, if the emotions you are experiencing and expressing lead to a disconnection with your adults, the brain will strategically move to depress these and move a child into restoring contact and closeness with a parent. The reason a child returns from a time-out willing to behave, to listen, to be ‘good as gold’ is because their emotional system has been hijacked by alarm and they are driven to preserve connection by being ‘good.’

Time-outs are the ultimate sacrifice play when it comes to a child’s emotional world. Developmental science is unequivocal in its findings that both relationship and emotion are the two most important factors in healthy development. Time-outs in the way they are used to separate a child from others and activities can injure both the relationship and emotions in a child. The child’s hunger for attachment as well as emotional expression collide upon each other but the need for relationship takes the lead. It is not uncommon to see alarm problems or frustration pop up in other places in a child who is stirred up this way. It can be released on a sibling, a pet, another child or objects, whenever an opportunity presents itself. It can also provoke defensive instincts to back out of attachment and to numb vulnerable feelings.

Time out’s work because we use a child’s greatest need against them, the disconnection pushes their noses into their hunger for connection and boomerangs them back into behaving. There are many forms of time-out’s given to kids today from giving someone the cold shoulder, withdrawal of love, tough love, counting to three, and ignoring. Each of these convey a conditional invitation to be in our presence according to behaviour and conduct.

Why Time-Out’s Don’t Work for Every Child

Time-outs don’t extinguish problematic behaviour in all children. They are often too provocative for sensitive kids and can evoke a strong alarm response. This may lead to the child defensively detaching from their adults altogether, for example, running away or hiding.

Time-outs also won’t ‘work’ well with kids who don’t have a strong enough attachment with an adult who is using them. If there is little desire to be connected or good for that adult then the separation caused through a time out will not activate a child’s pursuit for connection. There are many reasons for a lack of relationship but it be a sign that a child has defensively detached from an adult if there had been a prior connection.

How to Move Away From Using Time-outs

The question I am often asked is “what do I do instead of time outs,” and “what do I do if I have been using them?” There are many online resources I have added at the end of this article meant to help with this question. One of the easiest ways to discipline is to supervise kids and provide direction. If a child doesn’t listen or want to be good for an adult, it may be less of a discipline issue and more of a relational one. Cultivating a stronger relationship with a child and collecting them before directing them should help in many scenarios.

If time-outs have been used then a parent or adult can start going with a child to quiet space or a different place or choosing to remain exactly where they are in the face of incidents. Trying to focus on the relationship and what is stirring a child up is key, with potentially moving the discussion about an incident to when strong emotions have subsided.

The following 5 Guidelines for Handling Incidents created by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and used with his permission, are from the Neufeld Institute’s Making Sense of Discipline Online Course. They are particularly helpful in situations where emotions are involved, rather than at times when simply instructions will suffice in redirecting a child. The aim is to not try and make headway in the moment but in aiming to do no harm to the relationship until things can be addressed later.

In addressing the violation we are cueing the child to what is appropriate and not appropriate when it comes to behaviour. For example, we might say, hands aren’t for hitting, toys aren’t for throwing, and it isn’t okay to talk to an adult that way. As Neufeld states, we can drop the “infraction flag” and point out what isn’t working without identifying the child with their behaviour. We can bridge the problem behaviour by conveying we still desire contact and closeness with them despite their actions. This doesn’t ‘reward’ a child for problem behaviour, it merely ensures that you can use your connection with a child later on to influence them in acting a different way or in helping them understand their emotions, name them, and respond in a more civilized manner.

When a child is out of control we often try to control the child instead of the circumstances. If a child is too frustrated in playing with others we can change the circumstances and provide some reprieve. If they have jumps in them or are overly active, instead of getting them to sit down and relax, we can help them move by playing outside. When a child is most stirred up emotionally, our attempts to control them and their emotions often backfire. We may need to compensate and bide our time, changing the circumstances around a child until we, and they, are in a better place to make headway.

We can also let the child know we will debrief or talk about an incident later. In the heat of the moment we are often not able to proceed in a way that can protect and hold onto our relationship with our kids. They are often too stirred up to hear what we have to say. Simply letting the child know when something hasn’t worked out and that you will follow-up with them later, helps them understand that something needs to change and you are there to help them with this.

If a situation is emotionally charged and adverse, exiting from the incident sooner than later can be beneficial. Emotions tend to fuel further emotions such as frustration and alarm and when we are stirred up it is best to pause from proceeding. While we take a break from the incident, it is important to convey that the relationship is not broken. While we may need to be firm on behaviour, we can be easy on the relationship.

What the practice of time-outs cost us long term are the strong relationships with our kids that we will need to steer them towards maturity. We need to become more conscious of the risks to their development as well with how time-outs can evoke defenses against emotions and vulnerability. As Gordon Neufeld states, our kids need to rest in our relationship and not work to keep it. We must be the ones to hold onto them and what is clear is that time-outs make our kids work for love. There is a better way.

For more information on discipline that is attachment based and developmentally friendly for young kids, see Chapter Ten in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one) and/or take the Neufeld Institute course, Making Sense of Discipline with Dr. Gordon Neufeld.

Deborah MacNamara, PhD is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and in private practice working with parents based on the relational and developmental approach of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. She is the author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or www.neufeldinstitute.org.

References

Larry K. Brendtro, “The vision of Urie Bronfenbrenner: Adults who are crazy about kids,” Reclaiming Children and Youth: The Journal of Strength-Based Interventions 15 (2006): 162–66.

Resources

Discipline for the Immature, Chapter Ten in Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one)
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
https://www.amazon.com/Rest-Play-Grow-Making-Preschoolers/dp/0995051208/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467908921&sr=8-1&keywords=rest+play+grow

Making Sense of Discipline, Online Course, Neufeld Institute
By Dr. Gordon Neufeld
See a preview of the course here — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK7qui2BsfY
Course Description

Making Sense of Discipline

Are Time-outs an effective form of punishment? Video from Kids in the House
Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Founder of Neufeld Institute https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So7sJW23xM8

Positive Parenting Alternative to Time-outs and Grounding,
By Nicole Schwarz at Imperfect Families
http://imperfectfamilies.com/2016/07/04/9-positive-parenting-alternatives-timeout-grounding/

Pulling Weeds: Shifting from Discipline to Nurturing the Whole Child,
By Rebecca Eanes (author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide)
http://www.positive-parents.org/2016/05/pulling-weeds-shifting-from-discipline.html

The Problem with Consequences for Young Children
Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/the-problem-with-consequences-for-young-children/

Soliciting Good Intentions: A Discipline Strategy That Preserves Relationships
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/soliciting-kids-good-intentions-a-discipline-strategy-that-preserves-relationships/

Why Kids Resist and What we Can Do About It
By Dr. Deborah MacNamara
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/why-kids-resist-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

Info graphic: When Saying Goodbye is Hard – 20 Ways to Bridge the Daytime Separation

Separation is provocative for kids because of their profound need for attachment. When we can’t be with our child to care for them, we need to make sure they are attached to the people we leave the mwith. We also need to ‘bridge the distance’ between us by giving them something to hold onto. This info graphic provides 20 different ways to bridge the daytime distance.

For help with Nighttime Separation see the info graphic – “When Saying Goodnight is Hard – 20 Ways to Bridge the Nighttime Separation”

To make further sense of separation anxiety and difficulties saying goodbye in kids, you can read more in Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one) – Chapter 8.

Info graphic: When Saying Goodnight is Hard – 20 Ways to Bridge the Nighttime Distance

Saying goodnight is hard for many kids because it usually represents the biggest separation from their adults. One of the strategies for helping with bedtime protests is to point a child’s face into connection instead of separation. This can be done by ‘bridging’ – giving them something to hold onto which represents the connection between you. This info graphic provides 20 ways to give a child the sense that you are holding onto them throughout the night and are close to them.

Hardened or Hardy? Holding Onto Kid’s Hearts

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld states there is a difference between a hardened heart, which does not feel vulnerable emotion, and one that is hardy and feels a lot. (1) Those with hardened hearts seem impervious to pain and suffering, withstand emotional wounding, exhibit invulnerability, and are short on empathy or caring for others. People with hardy hearts feel and express their vulnerable emotions such as sadness, caring, fear, shame, disappointment, or dependence, and continue to thrive despite facing adversity. The absence of vulnerable emotion is not a sign of health but one of human stuckness.

The human being is built to care deeply and an absence of caring is indicative of an emotional problem. Research on empathy in youth by Sara Konrath found a 48% decline today in comparison to 30 years ago, as well as a 30% decline in their capacity to consider other people’s perspectives.(2) There are increasing signs our childrens caring and empathy is going missing, along with their tears. Statements such as – “I don’t care,” or “It doesn’t matter,” or “whatever” pervade youth culture and have become too common. As guardians of our children’s hearts we need to take a step back and ask why? Where are their vulnerable feelings going and how can we keep their hearts soft?

The Neuroscience Behind Soft Hearts

Neuroscience is now paving the way to support what Freud once postulated – the emotional system is capable of defending the human heart from too much distress (3). When the emotional system is overloaded it will spontaneously evoke defenses to numb out, tune out and detach from the things that evoke vulnerable feelings. In other words, whatever we don’t see or feel can’t hurt us. This is not a sign of a brain performing poorly but a strategic move that allows someone to function and survive wounding environments. The problem is it takes all emotional expression with it – including love.

The capacity to feel is what fuels growth and makes us fully human and humane. The problem is that when vulnerable feelings go missing, the resulting behaviour will often lack caring and consideration. A child may seem to lack fear or isn’t moved to caution when they should be. They seem less conscientious, more easily frustrated, distracted and restless. There is usually an absence of tears indicating sadness and a lack of remorse or shame. When the human heart is defended against feelings, we often miss what has gone missing and become preoccupied with uncaring behaviour.

The clearest sign our children are under emotional distress is when their vulnerable feelings are no longer palpable. It means their brain is equipping them to deal with a world that is too wounding or too much for their heart to bear. A child who cries and tells you they are sad, afraid or even worried isn’t in trouble emotionally despite the troubles they face. Their upset is a sign their emotional system is working hard to find an answer to the distress they are under.

It was never our job as parents to calm kids down but to restore emotional balance and to transform their feelings when needed. The kids who lack upset, who appear to be the most ‘calm’ or quiet may actually be the ones who are the most defended against their vulnerable emotions. I don’t long for calm in my children but the emotional storms that are part of life so that I can help their heart understand it can survive distress. Our children will face adversity – they just weren’t meant to face it alone and if there were one secret to keeping their hearts soft it would be this.

How Can We Keep our Children’s Hearts Soft?

While the brain is able to erect emotional defences to preserve the heart, there is a stronger force that can keep it safe. The answer lies in human attachment. It is human relationships that have the power to heal and preserve the heart. The challenge is we cannot take care of a child’s heart if they have not given it to us.

The path to a child’s heart is through extending an invitation for connection that is generous, warm, and unwavering despite conduct and performance. While we may need to be firm on a child’s behaviour, we are soft on the relationship and seek to preserve this most of all. There are many ways to preserve our children’s soft heart but the following five are some of the most effective ways of doing so.

Shield a Child’s Heart with a Safe Attachment

The world is a wounding place – our children will face rejection, taunting, separation, shame, failure, and places where they are not invited. What they cannot endure is facing these things on their own. Their hearts are too vulnerable when left unattended. Whoever a child gives their heart too has the power to protect them with their own – it is a brilliant design. What matters most is who a child tells their secrets too, who they trust to lead them, and who they seek comfort from. We need to cultivate deep relationships with our children. We need to hold onto our kids all the way into adolescence so their hearts seek home when they are most lost.

Lead the Child Into Vulnerable Territory

We will lead our children to their emotions when we convey there is value in being vulnerable and reflecting openness to hearing their feelings. If children are mocked or their feelings discounted, it will do little to suggest there is safety for their heart contents. When we reflect on a child’s experiences, we are inviting them to share what weighs them down. For example, when my children talk about kids who are struggling with behaviour I often ask them what they think is going on for that child? They are often astute in saying a child needs attention, is struggling to fit in, or that their parent pressures them to succeed in school. By asking our children to pause and reflect on how emotions and feelings impact behaviour, we convey that there is more than just what meets the eye. We cue them to consider the source of emotional distress and to give words to the vulnerability inherent in being fully human.

Protect the Child Against Experiences that are Too Much to Bear

Part of preserving emotional well-being is knowing when to protect a child from experiences that are too wounding. This does not mean we shield them from facing upset but recognize that some wounds are too big and are best avoided. In other words, if a child requires emotional defences to live in their world and there is a clear absence of feelings – then we may need to change their world in order to restore emotional functioning.

For example, if a child is attached to friends who are routinely wounding we will need to thwart contact, build strong adult relationships for the child, and court healthier peer relationships. We may try and move the child into hierarchical peer relationships where they are cared for by older kids and become a caretaker figure to younger ones. When their world is too wounding, adults cannot stand idly by but must take an active role in shielding a child’s heart.

Immunize Them Against Experiences that Cannot be Avoided

When our children have to face things that are adverse such as taking a test they are afraid of, getting a needle, or having to separate to go to another parent’s house, we need to prepare their heart for what will come. In the days ahead of the event we can mention that something will come to pass and as they seem upset we can help draw out their vulnerable feelings. As they face their distress in small bite sized pieces, they will be better able to face the event when it happens. The separation to another’s parent’s house is tempered with tears of upset that have already been shed and acknowledged. Small doses of upset better immunize a child against the big upsets that are ahead.

Lead them to their Tears and Cultivate Resilience

When our children are up against the things that cannot change and cause distress – a friend that is uncaring, a pet that has died, a bad mark, and a parent that travels or lives in another house – we need to help them find their tears. Feelings of upset or alarm need to be transformed rather than calmed down. Frustration and alarm need to melt into tears of sadness where there is release and rest.

Resilience is cultivated when our children are led to their tears and realize they can survive things not going their way or that hurt them. When we are able to cry with someone and they bear witness to our feelings, there is often healing. This is why we need to lead our children to their tears and not be afraid of the upset that will ensue.

Why are some children far less wounded and hurt than others? Because they have human shields that are cultivated and strengthened by love. When adults become guardians of a child’s heart, the need for emotional defenses is lessened. This is why children need strong caring relationships to tether themselves too as this preserves and protects their soft hearts. While caring deeply about others sets us up to get hurt, it also has the power to save us.

References

Gordon Neufeld, Level I Intensive: Making Sense of Kids, 2013, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver, BC, www.neufeldinstitute.org
Michael Resnick, Marjorie Ireland, and Iris Borowsky, “Youth violence perpetration: What protects? What predicts? Findings from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health,” Journal of Adolescent Health: Official Publication of the Society for Adolescent Medicine 35 (2004): 424.
Mark Solms and Oliver Turnbull, The Brain and the Inner World: An Introduction to the Neuroscience of Subjective Experience, New York: Other Press, 2002, p. 104.

Copyright Dr. Deborah MacNamara

Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counsellor and educator, on faculty at the Neufeld Institute and author of Rest, Play, Grow – Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one). She has more than 25 years experience working with children, youth, and adults and speaks regularly about child and adolescent development to parents, childcare providers, educators, and mental health professionals. Please see www.macnamara.ca for more information or the Neufeld Institute – www.neufeldinstitute.org.